Wednesday, May 18, 2005

other post starting with the old stuff first the new one for today at bottom
Life with out the net and home phone is such a bore. I'm going to post all this as soon as possible, but I have no clue when that will be. *sigh*
Well today is monday. I went to the docs. They said they had the results for my papsmear in.... so there was something a bit abnormalk, but they couldn't determine what it was, so it's nothing major. They also had my iron count in as well. It's very low, the doctor said it was dangerous for me to be liek this so she perscribed me some liquid iron (instead of the iron pills), because vitamins just weren't cutting it for how low my blood count is. Once again, Lynnsey barely escapes death and lives. She said she was suprised that it hadn't started to effect my heart yet. It has been. i haven't told anyone, but I've been haveing a lot of pains in my chest and a hard time breathing sometimes. In fact my chest hurts right now and it feels as if it's hurting my back as well. I just didn't want to get it checked out. I don't want to know what it is.
I also am going to therapist. I haven't been as happy as looks and words describe lately. In fact, I've been crying a lot. I just don't feel liek telling anyone becauser it's so embaressing..over such stupid things too. Like the lack of Chara in my life. I know she doesn't care, so I don't even bring up my problems anymore, I do listen to hers though. I have found it futile to try to get Chara to listen to anything I want to talk about, unless it has something to do with her boyfreind, or something she wants to talk of, like stuff about her. I know she didn't cancel out comeing over to sleep over at my house because she had to babysit. i know it was because Kevin was there and probably because Jenny and Shaun was over here as well. Well that is fine. She could have told me the truth. Espically if she didn't even wanna come over or anything. it offends me and all and sure it makes me depressed, but it's better to tell me about these things. But I know. That all of this is not her fault. A lot of it is mine. for not calling. But I knew it was futile. I liek the word futile. I don't know why though......hmmmmm....
My mom (Brandy) came in and freaked out when she heard about my iron count. She said that the pills were so nasty that when you opened the bottle you felt like vomiting, so the liquid has to be worse or equal. Yay.
Well, the consueling is a dumb idea I think, but the doc knows her stuff. She asked my mom if she would leave the room. And the she asked me what was the matter. I told her nothing and she said I didn't look too happy. Then she started asking me all these questions and basically it all spilled out. I told her about the thing that I have yet to tell Chara. I told her a lot, but yet I held back on some things. I just feel as if I can't trust people. I know I shouldn't feel that way about people, espically people that I know are trying to help me, but I just get so paranoid......
Well, other than that, I have discovered the eldery do not appricate loud music from a teenager that looks like a little punk. Espically if the music happens to be Dragonforce or Rhapsody.
OMG!!!! My friend Sky is the radest! She got me a plushie of ....GIR!!!! She said she knew I had been feeling bad, that she could just feel it, because of my behavoir was off-ish. And she said she found Gir plushies and they were on sale, so she get me one to help me feel better! If you don't know by now I absolutely adore stuffed animals! I hope Westley will get me one. Chris gave me a couple, a bear which I deemed Oh-uh Hotdog and a kitty which is blue that I named Hudson....I told you guys a long time about that. Just for the recodr because I know you probably will read this Westley, I like stuffed cats a lot. But you don't have to get me anything....
I feel a lot better, except for the fact that I am kinda tired....and thirsty.

Yay the fun never ends does it? I just went to Walmart and felt crappy the whole entire time I was there. All I heard was "Gotta get Shaun something for his birthday....." from Brandy. She didn't get me anything for my birthday ;___; She gotta me a 20 gift card for christmas and she got her kids all this stuff. Now I gotta find some money to get her phone fixed because somehow the stupid inernet (Kaaza) gave me some fucking hidden charges and thats why the phone all screwed up. I have to get 36 bucks and I have no job and I have asked my parents who are pending. They aren't mad at me or anything, but it was supposed to be credited (no charge at all, because i am a minor and it was a hidden charge, because nothing ever poped up on my compy) and they screwed up. That is why I have no phone or net. And it's killing me because I get to talk to none of my freinds now. Except if I use the cell. It's going to be even worse up at my parents...no net at all. Maybe I'll have to resort to walking a few dozen miles to the library to post. Gawd, I wanna see Westley....but beh. My mom's gone with the phone right now.

I feel liek I am about to die. I think I should just starve myself and see how close I can get to death, maybe even die. I dunno. I just feel liek seeing how close I can get, maybe even to prove to myself that I'm not as weak as I think. I don't need food. It make you fat and ugly. And I'm tired of being the 'ugly' girl. I know I am not ugly in Westley's eyes. And thats all that should matter right? I just wanna feel liek I'm pretty. I know I'm bi-sexual, but when we talk about all these girls being pretty, and he metions the ones that he lieks, I have to compare myself to them. Liek this girl Megan. I know he lieks her and he thinks she's hott. I mean hell, who wouldn't? She's sexxy, has a nice body, and a big pair of boobs to top it off..... I may have big titts, but it's not gonna be enough..... I just feel liek the ugly 'goth' girl. The pale girl, clad in black 'garb' that I only think is cool. My boyfreind thinks I wear the most retarded clothes probably, because my color scale is so limited. He said black and blue look ugly together and those are the only two colors I basically wear. It made me feel liek shitt, and I felt liek going over and crying in a corner. I know why people classify me as 'goth' now. Because I guess I am what they call me. I write poetry, play games, dress in dark colors, love spikey objects, and seemed to be moderately depressed. Toping it all off I am a female, which instantly makes me incomparble to the regular normal dressing girls, such as Megan and those 'hott' chicks at church. But I'm not goth, I'm just plain ole Lynnsey. Non-christian, stupid girl, straight F student, black dressing, anime loveing, stupid Lynnsey. But I know he loves me. I know Bones loved me too. He would always say that there was never a girl that could compare to me. All the masses were idiotic and stupid, and the girls were the worst part of it. Whenever we saw a girl in public, he would snarl saying that they shouldn't even be in my presence, because dare they could ever compare to his Kitten. But that was so mean to say, because it would really hurt some girls feelings. So, I made him stop doing it. But we would always go out and look at guys together. For some reason I never minded it when he though guys were hott. He had good choice. But when I'm alone with Westley, and he's not talking about some other girl he thinks is hott, he makes me feel liek the prettiest person in the world. He says I am the prettiest or something liek that, but I know he lies for I am what he hates. I dress in black 'garb' and stuff of that sort. And he hates girls like that. Sometimes I just don't see how anyone can like a normal dressing girl. In fact now that I think of it, Megan in my eyes is not too hott. But sheeeesh my freind Heather is!! ^____^ So, is Sam and Michelle...and gawd Selena!!! *drools* and they are all of kinda of goth/punk dressing. I just can't stand all this plain clothes on girls. Espically...icky American Eagle and other preppy crap. I guess the only girls I like are alternative girls.....someone needs to make me a banner that says that.....plus normal dressing girls are such a bore. They never have anything intresting to talk of. Westley is one of the only guys that dress normaly that looks good, but then again I think Westley looks better than anyone, even I daresay Johnny Depp!! 0O0 Westley always reminds me of a big strong lumberjack. And I couldn't imagine him any other way. My baby.....I love him so muuuuuuch......

He tries so hard to be nice to me, when there are so many things he can say about me and the things I love. Well he does make fun of some anime and My chemical Romance and Nirvana and NIN and some other crap. I try not to make fun of anything he likes tho. Because there isn't much I dislike about him. Just well......sometimes he can be a bit too harsh about somethings. And it hurts my feelings, but I get over it. I think thats gonna happen with anyone tho. He's just the sexiest man tho.....and his legs are muscular and really sexxy.....and he's so huggable and strong! ^^ And when you hug him, he's all warm....and cuddling with him is the best! I don't care if i never get any sexx from him.....I would just be content with cuddling. I love to tease him about how he won't give me any, because for one thing it's waaaaaay too soon and he wants to wait until after he gets married to do anything liek that. I love him more than anything or anyone that I have come to love in forever. If all I had was him, I would be perfectly content to throw away everything else. Except for my friends. Because thats just wrong to do that. Material objects though.....anime collection, computer, etc. Even my Playstation 2....my most prized possesion...because I love my PS2........sooooooo much that it hurts me inside j/k. lol. It took a lot for me to get that PS2. Leaveing flyers for it and a ton of begging. Oh the begging wasn't even funny. I got down on my knees and kissed the floor that PS2 was on after I got it. It tasted liek x-mas. and PS2 box goodness.

Ahhh Tuesdays. The last full day of school. I guess thats good and all, because I can sleep all I want (or at least until mum gets me out of bed) *sigh* Todays been ok. Just tired and sad....thats all I seem to feel anymore basically. I tried to cut myself earlier, but thought stupidly that someone was going to see it, so I just kept bashing the knife into my skin until it got raw and red, but not bleeding. Thats more painful anyways, to me at least and I feel as if I should be punishing myself for something. That and feeling ugly again. I saw Megan Mitchell in my class of science. Aggggh let me tell you the story Megan Mitchell.
She is nothing more than a bitch. A prepy bitch that thinks she knows Nirvana and some other bands liek ACDC. And she also supposedly loves Star Wars, but makes fun of the other people that watch it. She's quite the popular bitch too. Hott by normal standards, and has big boobs that look liek they would poke your eyes out. Needless to say, not gothic and not even a person to hang out with the people I hang out with (the 'werid, gothic, punk' kids). More like a person who loves to bring others down. She loves to make fun of the fact that she knows at least 2 of us used to cut ourselves (Sky and myself) and LOVES to make fun of Sky and me in general...more like Heather, Jeff, Sky, and I. We all sit together in creative writting and Megan's table sits behind ours. So, needless to say she catches tid bits of what we talk about, write about, and do in general. I dispise her. She thinks she knows how it feels to be in pain. I can show her pain. She'll be thinking about what red skirt will match the color of the blood on her body after I get done with her. grrrrrrrrrrr. But it's not the fact that she makes fun of me (of course it hurts my feelings and all...in fact theres been a night where all I did was sit and cry, because of something mean she said to me at school about a very touchy subject...)but it's more like she says crap about my friends. My friends and I have all laughed at the fact that they call us gothic wrist cutters. For the one fact is the only person who wears black almost all of the time is me and she is refering to our whole group of people. And that there are no scars on our wrists. They all think they are so smart. Jeff and I were discussing utiliterinaism and they asked us what it was. We had a good larf.
But anyways so she walks into class , and I'm sitting with West and a couple of his freinds, and I say
" arrrrrrgh I hate her so much!! >< >< >< >< >< ><"
so Megan (other Megan that is nice who I am sitting with) asks who she is and so I tell her. Westley just says
" I don't know her, but she is hott"
So, in my mind I am liek "gaggaggaggaggaggaggaggaggaggaggag" but all I say is no she isn't. And Westley says there is no fact dyneing it and Zack also agrees with him. Sorry folks, but I'm not to the whole artifical, superficial, stupid, look. He may be, but I am not. Ick. Bad choice in women he has. Why do people have to be so shallow?
Another thing is the fact that all the girls he likes look 'normal' so I don't see how I can be so sexxy clad in my black garb. It makes me feel liek I always have to compare myself to stupid Megan Mitchell. I know most guys think she is the hottest thing since gay came to gay town, but still....it just hurts to hear it said by the person you love more than anything, espically since it's the person that makes school a liveing hell for you in your favorite class who he thinks is hott. I don't really dress anything special that makes my boobs stick out or anything. My hairs always a mess, my clothes are always baggy, and my pants look like they were meant for a person twice my size. My boobs also sag, because my bras just don't support them, because they are a bit too big for the bra size. They aren't all perky like Megan Mitchells. I'm pretty grungy looking. I do wear a little make up tho, but I don't plaster it on my face like most people do. I wish someone would say I'm hotter than Megan so I could laugh.
But anyways my heart still hurts and my feelings feel like I want to die, but hey...I will survive.
Today was the last full day of school tho. Next 2 days are exams and they are half days. Which I might get to go home with Westley during! ^_^ yay for that. Do you guys think I should dress all prepy...I wonder if it would make him happier.
But thats not the point of that paragraph > I want to dye my hair Skye Blue and Black this summer. and maybe cut it short in parts and spike it up into a mohawk. Not to be punk or anything...I don't really listen to that much punk. i want to straighten it out too. Just to see if Westley will still love me...and because I want to do it. Blue is such an awesome color....or Orange and black....maybe.....

If I do I will get pics somehow......

I think Michelle, Selena, Chara, and Sam are the hottest girls to grace the earth. *drooooooooool*

I think one of the coolest song titles are "Triple Corpse Hammer Blow" (Children of Bodom!! ALEXI!!!! ^___^) and also " Engil" ( Rammstein) and "Awakeing the Centuries" (Haggard). West told me today that Children of Bodom came out with a new album! I want to hear all their old stuff though before I start listening to the new really. I also need to find a copy of Insestcide and Unplugged in New York for my Nirvana collection and a few other micellanous things here and there. But before I buy anything, I want to get Westley an Aqua Teen Hunger Force shirt. I want one too, but I want to get him something before I get myself something more. He desrves it. I wonder what kind of shirts Panzerchrist has.....(I am listening to the right now and they are definetly among my top 10 favorite bands)
I think I'm going to go for a nap...... I'm tired, sad, and I feel so drained. All I want is someone to talk too. Id on't really have many freinds outside of the net that I keep up with anymore....mainly because I lost their #s or they never call me. blargh....

My top ten favorite bands

1. Nirvana
2. Cannibal Corpse
3. Korn
4. Nightwish
5. Iron Maiden
6. Nazrreth
7. Children of Bodom
8. X-Japan


Well guys that was yesterday and I never finished it. But anyways, my day was great how about yours? School is almost and the phone got turned back on!! ^__^ Now all I gotta do is find out what I'll be doing tomorrow and whats going on with everything....only bad thing is I started my period like a second ago. Glad it wasn't a couple of hours ago, because the blood would have been all over someone's finger LOL!!! XD Anyways, I'm glad all of you missed me. I love you too Yume! huggle! I got a little action today and I had romantic and fun time. I also kinda massaged West's shoulders and neck...he's really tense!!! ^_^' Cuddling with him is the best thing in the world. And even when he tickles me I love it except for the fact that he can tickle me anywhere and I'm embarrassed by how I laugh....____-' I chased him into the liveing room and it was fun untill I hurt my back...>< But Sky was kinda depressed at school today, because I left with Westley....oh well.... And today was the last I'll probably ever see Trevor again!! NOOOOOOO!!! ;________________________________________; Well huggles to all! I have a lot to catch up so see you all laters!!
xXx Westley's Kitten xXx





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