Thursday, May 17, 2007

Time: 12:16pm Mood: depressed/annoyed Listening to: "In The End" Linkin Park Quote: "Suicide is man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me - I quit." Bill Maher hi... well I am serisously getting irrated with people. Like people who seeminly don't care then all of a sudden start interfering with your life just because their oh-so prescious image is on the line. Let me be who I am and deal with it! for crying loud out!! I can appear to be what I'm not but I am getting so sick of hiding the way I feel. When I tell my mom what I think I get in trouble for not saying what she wants to hear! I am on the edge of cutting again tonight.... so..... close..... seriously I can reach out right now and touch a blade..... but *sigh* I shall refrain..... or try to anyway... I'm getting sick just thinking about it. I feel like I should be a better person thanks to my parents, they always make me feel lesser, like they were so great at my age and I'm a complete failure.... of course they would never say that. but thats how I feel... I dont deserve to even have Aihngel but some how I got lucky and he found me. I don't know why he would love me I can't do anything I'm completely worthless but he does (which is very beyond me). all well, I have to go disappear now... To be, or not to be: that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep; No more; and by a sleep to say we end The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep; To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub; For in that sleep of death what dreams may come When we have shuffled off this mortal coil, Must give us pause: there's the respect That makes calamity of so long life; For who would bear the whips and scorns of time, The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely, The pangs of despised love, the law's delay, The insolence of office and the spurns That patient merit of the unworthy takes, When he himself might his quietus make With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear, To grunt and sweat under a weary life, But that the dread of something after death, The undiscover'd country from whose bourn No traveller returns, puzzles the will And makes us rather bear those ills we have Than fly to others that we know not of? Thus conscience does make cowards of us all; And thus the native hue of resolution Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought, And enterprises of great pith and moment With this regard their currents turn awry, And lose the name of action. - Soft you now! The fair Ophelia! Nymph, in orisons Be all my sins remember'd.

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Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Thank you Aihngel You Saved Me..... I love you soo much. ~I'll do a real post later

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Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Time: 12:11am Mood: Alive Listening to: The End Quote: “Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow." Mary Anne Radmacher Hey all. Well today was better..... Kind of..... my wrist is KILLING ME!!! gah! its insane!! but I am taking care of it, by putting all that healing crud so it won't scar and such. its... *looks, turns green* ok? I think its healing nicely. It makes me very sick too look at it, I do think I have got to stop though cause I don't know how much blood you lose but I think to many more times and bad things would happen. But today my mom was being annoying, I got so mad at her, I burned my hand while baking and she was pretty much like so? when I told her then I cut my foot while sweeping and she wasnt even listening to me when I told her!! I wanted so badly just to go to my room and slice my arm to see if she'd care! I'm sure she would not!! *Sigh* I'm afraid I'm becoming bitter, anrgy or hateful (which is probably the same as bitter) but after this weekend things are not really improving. oh but I did get to be with Death Aihngel!!! that was so nice. He is amazing, he deserves someone soo much better than I. I have nothing, seriously what can I do? I mess up things and ruin good times and thats about it. *sigh* I don't know what to do anymore.... life doesnt seem worth living when your as worthless as I but I can't die. I once got soo close to trying to kill myself to see if my parents would give a darn but Aihngel stopped me (I dont think he even knew what I was planning) I really like this quote

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Monday, May 7, 2007

Time: 8:45pm Mood: sad but okay Listening to: "My Wish" Rascal Flatts Quote: "Love is not blind; it simply enables one to see things others fail to see." anonymous Hey Death Aihngel is away right now *sniffle* its really sad. I miss him sooooo much! He had to go home to get his car. He is so far away. I miss him alot. He is the most amazing guy alive. I love him more than the stars in the sky. He is the most important person in my life. He is my life. I can't wait till tomorrow night when I get to see him again. I MISS HIM SOO MUCH Love you Aihngel

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Friday, May 4, 2007

Time: 8:01pm Mood: sad/lonely Listening to: "How I disappear" My Chemical Romance Quote: "There is nothing that makes a person feel quite so lonely, as to be in the company of others laughing and enjoying each others' company; and yet to feel completely left out of their joy." anonymous Hey. The quote is soooooo very true!!!! It pretty much describes me, but then most of my quotes do. Well I can tell this summer is going to give the school year a run for its money (meaning: this summer is going to be as great as the school year *is being sarcastic*) I'm sorry ya'll but I'm in a foul mood. I found out that I can't move into the one area of college where the major I want is so I'm stuck trying to find a different major with very limited ones to chose from. *sigh* I'm trapped in a black hole and can't get out.... Its my fault though, heh, you know a couple years back I was working with a guy and he jokingly said that everything was my fault but he said it so often that I'm thinking it was probably true. hmm, the devil is here..... a girl that I got in trouble that now hates my guts. The one I was close to over the summer (Tink, if you remember me talking about her). This day will be interesting I look, feel, and am acting like crap. I hurt people near me and I'm super emo! people get tired of me cause I get depressed and dark alot.... people are better off without me... Thank you soo much for your comments!! you guys are great! Love you all so much!!

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Thursday, May 3, 2007

Time: 8:14pm Mood: lonely Listening to: "Emotionless" Good Charlotte Quote: "Your birth is a mistake you'll spend your whole life trying to correct." Chuck Palahniuk Hey all. well another day has come and gone. I am so emo it makes me sick. I could have everthing I've ever wanted but still find one thing, one small thing that means nothing and become depressed. its not fun, I ruin peoples lives because I am no fun. I can't do anything!! My sister is so much cooler than I am. I mean seriously she has swords, knives, she is just really cool. She is awesome at art can make her own music, anything I try to do over and over she can perfect her first try. I don't know why people need me around when they have her. She is so amazing.... *shakes head* and then theres me..... bitch of a rebel. I cant do anything. I suck at life I've failed everything, I shouldnt be allowed to take up space. I have one thing that keeps me alive, but thats it. *sigh* Its great you know, no one listens to me, even when they know I'm right..... all well, such is my life. I dont know I guess I constantly feel left out cause thats been my life for the past 7 years... sorry mess up your day/evening.....

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Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Time: 1:12m Mood: alive Listening to: "Wondering" Good Charlotte(in my head) Quote: "You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams." Dr. Seuss Hey all. Well, hmmm..... Life is okay, it is always better when I'm with Death Aihngel though. I feel bad cause it seems I mess things up soooo much, like I am sooo boring and lame. I just want him to be happy. I really love him more than the stars in the sky and deeper than the universe is wide. Its just that sometimes I wish I could make everything perfect so he will always be happy, he looks so handsome when he smiles, I hate to see him sad. His eyes are soooooo amazing *happy sigh* sorry, I am totally obsessing right now. He makes life worth while (I think thats the word O.o) anyway shutting up now......

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Time: 1:12m Mood: alive Listening to: "Wondering" Good Charlotte(in my head) Quote: "." Dr. Seuss Hey all. Well, hmmm..... Life is okay, it is always better when I'm with Death Aihngel though. I feel bad cause it seems I mess things up soooo much, like I am sooo boring and lame. I just want him to be happy. I really love him more than the stars in the sky and deeper than the universe is wide. Its just that sometimes I wish I could make everything perfect so he will always be happy, he looks so handsome when he smiles, I hate to see him sad. His eyes are soooooo amazing *happy sigh* sorry, I am totally obsessing right now. He makes life worth while (I think thats the word O.o) anyway shutting up now......

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Tuesday, May 1, 2007

Time: 8:10am Mood: here Listening to: "The Day That I Die" Good Charlotte Quote: "The real reason for not committing suicide is because you always know how swell life gets again after the hell is over." Ernest Hemingway Heyo, yesterday felt like a living hell, I was pretty much paranoid all day. I had an exam in the morning and I don't remember taking it. But I know I did cause I heard the girl behind me asking questions about it. In itself nothing bad happend yesterday. Except for the fact that I'd had a really rough night before... oh wait, I found out one of my friends had gotten in trouble for something and they blamed me (no offense friend but thats what it is) Then I found out they were cutting again. Which sadly is probably my fault *sigh* I'm a terrible friend. Then something happend which kind of has been bothering me for awhile (and I mean like for 4 yrs) that just didnt help anything. *sigh* I just feel like a major failure right now, I can't do anything right. sorry to bother everyone I'll shut up now

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Monday, April 30, 2007

Time: 2:32pm Mood: eck...erm is that even a word?!?! Listening to: "Never Alone" Quote: "Love is just a word until someone comes along and gives it meaning." "In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends." Martin Luther King, Jr. Wow, ok well..... hm, I'm up late and I have exams tomorrow. This is crazy, I haven't studied I probably should sometime but I'm not going to not now anyway. Well if you read yesterdays post then yeah, tonight I was called things not to be mentioned or read twice, I hate people, oh not everyone just everyone minus 3 or 4 people. I don't see how people can be so ..... hm..... messed up mentally? I mean really, people only care about themselves! When someone passes you on the sidewalk and ask how you are they really dont care. they expect you to say good or fine or one word not your life story. People have stopped listening to other people!!! grrrr anyway Im getting off, I'm leaning on the really mad side/ scared to death..

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