Wednesday, May 28, 2008

run away run away. never change never change. run away run away. stay the same stay the same.

heyy. things are decent here. life is good and me and donovan have established and put out there that we both still have feelings for eachother. idk if were gonna actually get back together. i want to but there are gonna be conditions like: *Communication will NOT be soley through IMs and texts. *No going 2-3 weeks w/o seeing eachother. thats ridiculous shit. Rules for myself: *Don't do anything that I don't feel like I'm ready for, or doesn't feel right. *Slowww on the intimacy jeezus. Don't wreck it. *Speak the fuck up; but don't accuse. *Be gentle (i tend to beat up my boyfriends. unintentionally, honestly <_<) We'll see. Just about everyone is against us getting back together. Judy says he doesn't sound like a stable guy, that he uses drugs to cope, and he bounces from relationship to relationship. Which tells me he maybe feels the need to always be in a relationship. And I don't want to be pinned with his problems, like James. This I must tell him before hand; to kind of warm him, I'm not his life support pillar. I WILL always be there for him, but he can't RELY on me to make him feel better or fix his problems. Other people are saying he's not worth it. That I could do much better. It could just be me, but besides the suspicions of him being 'unstable', hes absolutely amazing and I love EVERYTHING about him. And he's so SWEET and I love how he teases me XD. He's just so SWEET. XDDDD*squee* If we don't get together, I guess that'll be okay. I'm happy with where I am. Or I might then date my friend Emily for fun. Nothing real serious or committed. Just for a fun kinda thingg. Thing is I hardly see her =// Today was the second time I've seen her since last school year O_o. We went on a date in January but I hadn't seen her since until today. So that would be a good reason to not make it serious. And I don't want to start a new serious relationship. I don't want to start all over. That is why Donovan is perfect. God I miss him like crazy... *crosses fingers*

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Tuesday, May 27, 2008

am i evil because i am happy? happy~~ well first of all because i found the computer i'm on lets me post. i found one that works!!! okay so well. not happy about it but, okie okie donovans status hes crushed. =// did maybe, suzy break his heart? i really hope hes ok. i want to talk to him and ask if hes alright or at least tell him i'm here for him if he needs to talk. the little bitch. i know it now. i do miss him. and i do still love him. i never stopped loving him. i love him whether he's mine or someone elses, but i still got his back and i'd beat that suzys face in for hurting him. if thats even the case. i've been known to rush to conclusions. YTFIYTKGCKGVKG the past 5 or so posts have been about donovan. i'm not happy, if he's hurting. thats not the case OF COURSE NOT i just want to be there for him. but i dont know if i should or when to tell him that i still love him. cuz i dont think he knows becuz i've been hiding it. ahh i just need to let him know i'm here for him, if he needs me. yea i still love him

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Thursday, May 22, 2008

i would say i'm pretty moody

because now i think that james and joey look so cute together :3 ahahaha and maybe i don't really care about donohead right now. i dont feel like making all the effort to find out if hes a good bf or not what his intentions are and i dont want to ruin his relationship if its going well. maybe i'm just enjoying being single right now =D and looking at hot girls ahah yesss. but if he ever offers anything again about getting back together i'm gonna take it, because i thought about and i'm starting to think he's genuine about it. first of all when he asked about me back in febuary. it was 4 months after we broke up. and it seemed like out of nowhere, but that means i was still on his mind for a couple months. then he goes and asks again, he keeps trying. i wonder if hes starting to just give up on me because i keep turning him down. moreso because i'm confused and afraid of being hurt. not because i don't love him anymore. but i'm good for now. happy.

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Wednesday, May 21, 2008

no one else is probably gonna even read this

i havent been visiting anyone besides jenny sorry bout that harrghible well life isnt getting any better. i just got a nother blow this morning james is now dating one of my good friends. idk it hurt, it was a shock and i cried when i found out. and i cant look at them together. but its not like i wanted to get back together with james. so idk why i feel this way. IDK WHYYYY I FEEL THIS WAYYYY lmao that made me laugh. sry. but its confusing as hell. whaywhaywhay i feel like my life is at a stand still. and i'm pretty depressed but trying not to show it. my friends are pretty good about keepin me happy. i dont want to bring everyone around me down, anyways. i want to talk to donovan and be like "So you're dating someone now? Somehow it's hard to believe you'd be a good boyfriend Thinking ur a bad bf is the only way I can deal with u bein with her. I couldn't stand you treating another girl right and loving her truly. If that girl wasn't me. The reason I keep turning you down is becase I'm afraid you'd treat me like crap. Afraid that once we're together you'd want to get in my pants right away. Afraid that you'd care about your precious pot more than you'd care about me." and, supposedly here i guess, i'd find out if he really is an asshole or not. if he really can treat a girl right. god id want to be with him so bad. would i then wait for him? until he and suzy didnt work out? god i dont know. would i risk it all over again? probably. since i feel like life is at a standstill. something new and intense to feel. instead of feeling numb. perhaps i'd even take the pain over feeling like a zombie all the time. i've been in a lot of pain lately. and i'm all doing it to myself. if i wasn't to obsessed, so determined to find out that donovan is actually human, holding onto that maybe one day in the future we will get back together and everything will be okay. i feel like i'm a little kid again. making dumb wishes to be with somebody. long lived dreams. theyre just dreams. and only dreams. but i still have that silly little voice in my head that says theres hope of that dream being real. that theres a chance. ~~ i miss being limerant over him.

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Tuesday, May 20, 2008

yah its late but wtf. whos gunna come to my site anyway

i havent been visiting anyone besides jenny sorry bout that harrghible well life isnt getting any better. i just got a nother blow this morning james is now dating one of my good friends. idk it hurt, it was a shock and i cried when i found out. and i cant look at them together. but its not like i wanted to get back together with james. so idk why i feel this way. IDK WHYYYY I FEEL THIS WAYYYY lmao that made me laugh. sry. but its confusing as hell. whaywhaywhay i feel like my life is at a stand still. and i'm pretty depressed but trying not to show it. my friends are pretty good about keepin me happy. i dont want to bring everyone around me down, anyways. i want to talk to donovan and be like "So you're dating someone now? Somehow it's hard to believe you'd be a good boyfriend Thinking ur a bad bf is the only way I can deal with u bein with her. I couldn't stand you treating another girl right and loving her truly. If that girl wasn't me. The reason I keep turning you down is becase I'm afraid you'd treat me like crap. Afraid that once we're together you'd want to get in my pants right away. Afraid that you'd care about your precious pot more than you'd care about me." and, supposedly here i guess, i'd find out if he really is an asshole or not. if he really can treat a girl right. god id want to be with him so bad. would i then wait for him? until he and suzy didnt work out? god i dont know. would i risk it all over again? probably. since i feel like life is at a standstill. something new and intense to feel. instead of feeling numb. perhaps i'd even take the pain over feeling like a zombie all the time. i've been in a lot of pain lately. and i'm all doing it to myself. if i wasn't to obsessed, so determined to find out that donovan is actually human, holding onto that maybe one day in the future we will get back together and everything will be okay. i feel like i'm a little kid again. making dumb wishes to be with somebody. long lived dreams. theyre just dreams. and only dreams. but i still have that silly little voice in my head that says theres hope of that dream being real. that theres a chance. ~~ i miss being limerant over him.

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Monday, May 19, 2008

i made a mistake

a big big mistake bigbigbig i was on skem9 looking at new myspace layouts and there was a link to a site that shortens urls. so like myotaku.com would be like bz.ass.png or some shit like that. and i went there and for the hell of it, typed in donoface's myspace to shorten it. and it was http://j6.bz/5gU and i was like wtf so i put it in and it went to his page and hey it worked! but i made a mistake in going to his page. put in that odd link and look at his status, in his extended network thingy. idk why that just made my stomach drop and it cant be song lyrics, the 3rd person on his friends list is a suzy. SHES FOURTEEN i dont like this i dont like this i need to erase him from my life i need to say bye bye. i dont even ever want to log into myspace again. what is the point of it anyway? to find more music, i guess. but... i want a new aim screename so he cant talk to me again. i dont like him. hes just a bad idea i should have never gotten involved with him. ever. i think i do wish i had never met him. im starting to wish that now and wish it so bad. i hate him. he's haunting me.

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Wednesday, May 14, 2008

mewch

i finally got my last paper to save my ass posted on our online class at 7:27am and i'm hoping thats lucky 7-27 is mah birthday y'know so i feel better this morning. i threw tantrum about paper and my computer/internet/myo was pissing me off much i regret throwing my beads against the closet because the container opened and i still cant find 4 of the beads. there were 4 diff sets of rainbow beads. they bounced so far i found one all the way in the dining room. so who knows where the other 4 are. damn anger issues. well i have shrink appt. than im going back to school until 11:30. and now. i am eating cinnamon toast crunch :D byebye

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Tuesday, May 13, 2008

myo is being a dick face i hate it i hate it i hate it ITS PISSING ME OFF its not letting me put a background up or even letting me put up a picture!! wtf my codes are FINE i checked them. dvkyfgvfaysgvis fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck i wasted so much time doing thiis fucking shit. i coulda been working on my paper since i wasnt im still very much in danger of failing my fucking writing class. ITS ALL MYOS FAULT

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Friday, May 2, 2008

youre so full of desire

bulletproof skin dakfvckjxvsjhCVkW i was a talkin to tara and stuff about james, that i dont want to break up with him because i feel bad that hes a maanic depressive and i dont want him to hurt himself. and tara was like "dude its YOUR fucking life, youre young and you have so much ahead of you. if hes making you feel guilty like that, thats MENTAL abuse" and, well that kinda makes sense =\\ i feel trapped in the relationship because of his issues but i dont think hes even stable enough to be in a relationship himself. when i left to smoke (tell more laturr) while i was gone he banged his head into a locker and curled up in a corner and had a breakdown. the mobile shrink people were called or something and he was in the counselors office for a long ass time. i didnt hear about this until the very end, so meanwhile i had no idea what was going on except that james had a breakdown and i couldnt see him. so i was worrying my ass off. and that was just stress i did not need. i dont really want to stay with him, i want to be FREE of him. i still care very much about him though. i dont want to cut him out of my life, i just dont want to be 'his'. but idk. im not gonna do it right away. i just... cant break his heart. but thats impossible to avoid. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ so me tara and bethany left at lunchtime to go smoke weed. but it was raining out and cold and that sucked balls. the blunt got mushy and wet haha, and i only got like 3 hits, because the first 4 times i was doing it wronngg. haha. but the blunt was pretty much shit, im blaming the rain. none of us got high. we had some other shit but were gonna save it for when its NICE out, so it doesnt get ruined. so it wasn't epic. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ me and donovan were actually talking last night, through IM, and it was... i dont know where to start. but basically were probably gunna hang out this weekend. i have no idea whats gonna happen.

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