Thursday, May 1, 2008

happy may

hai well, i now have the opportunity to smoke pot, tomorrow. with my gewd friends bethany and tara. so im safe with that. after lunch we're gonna leave school and go find a place, we're just gonna skip the rest of the day. and i have til 9pm to clean/sober up so thats gewd too. i don wanna smoke a blunt tho i wanna use a pipe :) well a bong sounds better but none of us have a bong. tara has a pipe i hope she'll sharee. i think im starting to figure out my relationship. just a little bit. i dont like being around him when were with my friends or his friends. i like bein aloonne. amd i dont really feel much for him except for when one of us is upset or messed up. like last night on the phone he started crying because i was depressed and in like 'zombie mode'. and he was like "are you distant? you dont feel the same as we first did, do you?" and that made me sad and i cried too. because it is true. but i dont want to lose him. i dont want to break his heart. i wanna be single but i dont want to lose him, at the same time. i want to stay with him. doesnt make sense, huh? i think its like, when i'm with my friends, i feel differently. i feel like i want to be with a girl or be single, and i dont feel much for him. but when its just me and him, we can connect really good and really deep. and i dont want to leave his side. and i know that im hurting him when i'm distant. and that makes me sad. because i wish i could return his feelings ALL THE TIME and i feel guilty that i cant always. there are times that i am in love with him, and there are times when i am not. it's strange and i dont understand it myself. when hes in trouble or hurting i really really really care about him and love him but, when hes happy and ok, i dont want so much to do with him. I DONT FUCKING KNOW the donovan obsession thing... i dont know whats up with that. but i miss him like crazy. i dont want to be in a relationship with him, i just wanna see him. problem is, if i do see him. :'(((( theres a very high chance that i might end up... cheating on james >:O and i dont wanna hurt him!! grrrr. well i have a braces appt tomorrow and im going to see if i can get rainbow rubber bands. if not i'll probably get light green. i have alot of homework to do, 3 page story due tomorrow. i've got an idea of what im going to do. so imma get on that...

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Tuesday, April 29, 2008

its so awesome that you came here

duuude its been a while, i know. sowwy.. but i made my page all pretty :3 didja watch the video?? heeheeee omg. i'm gunna see that in june!!!!!! AHAHAHAHAH ON MY MIND so um. eh. things are ok with james.. we haven't been messing around much, like for the past 3 weeks or so (we havent had sex at all tho). i'm just not intersted it sex play (outercourse, whatever u wanna call it) but well i'm grossed out by it. by him. cuz hes a boy. by penis. yea i know i sound like a lesbian, and i'd rather be with a girl, but i still love him and care about him. i just dont want anything to do with his WEEEEEEWEEE. ahah. and idk. i dont like being with him unless its just like me and him. i dont like being in school with him. sounds like i'm trying to get away from him. well, i guess i am but.. shut up. i'm confused. ~~~~~~~~~~~ OTHER SHIT ON MY MIND i wanna wait til i'm 16 to have sex, til i get high the first time. but thats probably not gonna happen. dude i'm twisted. TWISTED POT STORY #1 i wants to wait til i'm 16 to smoke it with tara & bethany. cos i feel young. TWISTED POT STORY #2 i wanna smoke sooner with james so i can learn and get my first time over with, so i can go smoke with donovan and be more (or just seem) "experienced". #1 is muchhhh safer. but i'm drawn to #2 8765965times more. i feel so young tho and thats why i wanna wait... but i'll be 16 in three months, so that's not too far away. reason y i dont wanna wait 3 months is i have an excuse now to see donovan cuz the new msi cd came out and i could make him a copy and go to his house. and james has pot now too. so i have access to it. so what if by the time i'm 16 me and james would have broken up, then i have lesser acces to pot unless i rely on tara and bethany and idk bout that. eh too much shit to sort out. and i know donovans a bad idea. but i cant help myself

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Thursday, April 10, 2008

   i can now play Shut Me Up on the guitar.

anyways last saturday i took the bus to my school (even though schools out) so it was pretty abandoned. but in the school courtyard i met up with james and we bussed together the rest of the way to his house. it takes about an hour and a half to get to his house via bus. so it was nice to be with him half of the trip. when we got there, um i think we walked to mcdonalds, and after that we watched sweeney todd becuz i brought it, but i don't think he liked the musical too much. he didn't really watch it. oh well. my brother was having a cook out so me and james bussed all the way to his house and it took almost 2 hours because my brothers house is farther than my house. we were falling asleep on the bus, but one of us had to stay awake so we wouldnt miss our stops. i did, but my eyes were like slits -_- haha. it was alot of fun and i was soooo happy my brother approves of james and james thinks my family is awesome :3 much happy because my family is very important to me. well, the family on my moms side at least. it was just a ton of fun, my brother's so loud he was shouting at cars that came up the street and had to turn around because the road was closed off. he was like YOU FUCKING MORONS CAN'T YOU READ THE GODDAMN SIGNS?!? DUMBASS THATS RIGHT TURN AROUND!!! etc. and there was guitar hero in the living room. and my veggie burger was yummy. we went for ice cream afterwards it was me, james, my sister and my mom. YESTERDAY which was wednesday... omg i got THE most amazing bras in the fucking world!!! ... but seriously theyre soo comfortable. theyre really really soft. yea. and i got a swimsuit too. which is a first in a long long time. and i love it! hoorah! so yesterdy was fun until my ex started talking to me. he was talking about how hes fucking up his life with drugs but its "all good". sounded like he was fucking bragging, who would brag about doing LSD or coke. but he did invite me to smoke pot with him. which i'm not gonna do for my FISRT time, if i go at all. but i want to try mj and i think... james is getting some for me and i'm going over there on friday. he said he wants my first time smoking to be with him so he can make sure i dont get too coo-coo. my concern is just making sure my mom doesnt smell it on me. if she found out i smoked pot with james she'd most likely never let me see him again. and put me on lockdown for 437657634 months or so. o and i put blue streaks in my hair, it looks super snazzy. but my ears and neck and fingers are blue -_-"

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Monday, April 7, 2008

   AND DADDY, HE TOOK MY BOOT

so i'm about.. ehh.. 15 miles away from JENNY SO CLOSE!! yet so far :( i'm in la crosse visiting my sister in college. sleepin in her dorm room sharing a tiny twin bed with her... O_O it works for us though. i'm in one of her classes right now. doing nothing. well i'm doing this. yeah. SO on friday (keep in mind i'm still on spring break mwa ha ha) i was gonna take the bus to my old highschool, that i went to last year since i transfered. i got to where i had to transfer buses and it was taking too goddamn long and i was gonna be late. late as in by the time i get to the highschool everybody would've gone home. and i was pissed at the bus. and it was chilly. so i walked to the library, and got vampire knight #2. i looked so out of place. but thats the story of my life after library i called a bunch of people because i had no where to go. and i didnt feel like catching the bus all the way home and waste the adventure. yeah what an adventure. so i called James and he wanted to meet up somewhere, but we couldn't decide where. i ended up calling my friend kirsten who lives right by the old highschool, and i went to her house. we hung out and then went to a concert for Kirtan. it was like a pagan (wiccan) chanting music thingy. yeah i have no idea HOW to explain it. but i had fun. what really sucked is right when i arrived at the place where Kirtan was playing, James called me, and it turned out he was only ONE block from kirstens house!! I was so pissed and i felt bad because he came all that way and i wasnt there :'(( poor james haha, thats not funny sorry. so that was friday. i have to go now but i'll post saturday either later or just tomorrow. it was eventful as well.

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Thursday, April 3, 2008

   i'll never stray again

James came over again on monday, the next day, as planned. my mom had no idea he was over already, even my dogs were already sort of used to him =]] my minpins. it was only from like 10am to 2:30pm.. my mom had to go to work at 3:00, and she dropped me and james off at mickey d's to have lunch and i was supposed to walk back home when he got picked up. but we never arranged for him to get picked up until like 8pm at my house. hehe. so after we ate, he walked back home with me. but we stopped at an asian store first for some pocky. =P i swear this is the naughtiest i've been in a looong time. i still want to try a cigarette and some pot. anyways... we had no supervision, and i was feeling alot better than the day before. so we messed around innapropriately i'm not going into details all i'm saying is that i'm still a virgin. even though i had sex once with my last boyfriend donovan, james still calls me a virgin since that 'attempt' with donovan was crap. and hurt like fucking hell on a stick. we were laying together and he was telling me about some really hard stuff he's been through and he was crying a little bit, because he had never really opened up to anybody. a minute later he starts crying super hard and gasping like crazy and tossing. i found out he had had a panic attack & it scared the living SHIT out of me. i was so scared for him. he said its happened before, and it was over quickly, but still. i didnt know he was having an attack until it was over and he was like What happened? I was so confused, how did he not know what just happened? i thought he had just freaked out. but the lights were out and i didnt see what was going on i just tried to calm him down with my voice and my hands and kisses on his face. and later on again i was telling him about what I have been through, and yeah i did cry too because it's not too often i open up about stuff and some of the things were really hard to just say and he had to coax some of the things out of me. he was just like Whats wrong whats wrong?? when i finally told him i burst into tears and it scared him, he started started crying for me, because he didn't want to see me hurting... and he had another fucking panic attack, but this time the lights were on and i saw what was happening and oh my god i was so scared!!! i was thinking he cares too much about me it stresses him out to see me hurt and he said hes never had 2 in one day... i dont know. i feel like because of that i'm bad for him. but his family and his best friend todd say they've never really seen him this happy, since hes been with me. he ended up not leaving until like 11pm, because his dad took forever to get to my house. which again was cutting it close, since my mom got off of work at midnight. one of these days i'm gonna get him to spend the night with me =] So YESTERDAY wednesday, I went over to his house, and we played resident evil: umbrella chronicles, ate ramen, and we put on the movie Dark Water but I fell asleep and we both fell asleep together for like 3 hours. i had a really bad headache the whole time i was over, ugh every time i'm over he's taking care of me. he gave me 2 tylenol, and told me to lay down. i was really tired because i was up at 5 in the morning for a behind-the-wheel, and he didn't mind me falling asleep on him. he said he likes taking care of me. okey dokey then. hehe. my sisters here and we're gonna make a yummy pie later and i'm gonna ask her if she would take me out driving to practice.

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Tuesday, April 1, 2008

emotive unstable you're like the unwinding cable car

i'm splitting the last 4 days into 2 posts cuz its really long the past few days were about the adventures of nikki & james. friday night, i finally told james i'm in love with him. my neice was sleeping in the bunk underneathe me and i dont know if she heard me but i cried when i told him. it felt so right, and so strong... i didn't cry out loud but i felt the hot tears on my face. after that, we were dying to see eachother. and it didn't help for him that i was hanging out with a different guy friend the next day. he gets a little jealous but really had nothing to worry about. at the guy friend's house i mostly played video games and ate cookies. and he had another friends over and those two were wrestling and because i'm perverted it looked like gay sex to me... but then it gave me ideas for wrestling with james. and i sat in my corner eating cookies and texting him. i couldnt wait to get the hell out of there because i couldnt stop thinking about james and i didnt want to be at another guys house. on sunday, i was cleaning my room because i planned to have james over on monday and my room... you just don't know... me and my mom got in a huge fight over the matress i had in my room that i take out when my neice spends the night. i didnt want to put it away but she wanted it away. she was afraid me and james were going to have sex on it. what did she forget that she was going to be home? and that my door was going to be open? i got really pissed and it turned into a big trust thing. she said she trusted me but not james cuz she didnt know him that well. and i was like, what, you think hes gonna fucking rape me right there in my bed? she was like Thats not it! but i dont see why it would be such a problem, and why she didnt trust him and then didnt think he was gona rape me, what did she not trust him about? i was so pissed and at myself cuz we were screaming at eachother and i was crying and i all of a sudden just banged my head fucking hard as i could into the wall. my mom was like WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!?!! i dont know what happened but i know i was pretty fuckin upset all from my head and i was crying and gasping, and she had left for work at noon. i didnt know what to do, i ended up taking my closet door and banging it into my head a second time. i felt like cutting but then i called james instead. he was worrying like hell about me bcuz i was crying so much on the phone, he was so scared i was hurt from banging my head. i was crying and basically saying Baby I need you, I need you SOO much right now. and he said he would be on his way to my house in an instant if i just said the word. i thought about it, because my mom was not home. i said yeah. when he got to my house, i was playing resident evil but after that i just layed there in his arms, it was so amazing and just worth it to have him there. he left just before my mom got home at 9pm. i swear i'm so in love with him. and it's much stronger than my last boyfriend. it's so much better. and i do realize i opened myself up to being soo vulnerable. i gave him my heart. but i think it's gonna be okay. TO BE CONTINUED...

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Friday, March 28, 2008

   burnin on the other side

not feelin the best today. in my head at least. ahh in an hour i have behind-the-wheel. and then my drivers ed final exam, which if i fail i'll fail the entire class and have to take it over O_O. right now, i dont really like driving. maybe i'll get used to it when i get better. ahem if i get any better. :'D well i was supposed to go to the mall today with some friends, but none of them really gave me an answer if they were gonna be there for sure or not, so i didnt go. i didnt want to end up being a loner walkng the mall for 3 hours... ~~ i learned that i get insanely jealous when my friends have fun without me. so... i feel like curling up in a ball. but i gots to study. i miss him, but i dont want to talk to james at all. i just turned my phone OFF. which.. idk if i've ever done b4. idk. hes got his best friend todd over and that made me feel like crap cuz i miss my bestiee buddie jenny like BEEOTCH IM JUMPIN THAT CHOOCHOO TO TOMAH. so i got jealous. i miss him so much! but i dont want to talk to him. wtf. i'm so fuckin stubborn and i KNOW it. but i can still cuddle with the bunny my james gave me :3 a big green squishy soft bunny for easter it used to smell like him, like his room. but i prolly sniffed it so many times i sucked out all the scent like crack lmfao.

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Thursday, March 27, 2008

   2 hookers and an 8 ball

hoooooooooe DUUUUUUUDES what was even the date of my last post?? OKAY SO I WASNT GONE THE WHOLE TIME i created a site behind your back O_O it was SepiaZombie because yes I love zombies but I'm still and forever will be RABIDFUCKINGMINPIN GAAAWWWWDD!! and you know what? i'm on the road. driving. scary friday is my last day of driver's ed. but I still have like... 5 more behind-the-wheels. i've been dancing around the house listening to Mindless Self Indulgence MAH LATEST OBSESSION *slaps forehead* it never ends I WANT A FUCKIN ENERGY DRINK AND I WANT TO PLAY GUITAR i know i could just... pick it up and... have at it. but i have an application to do and if my mom hears me playing she'll mentally slit my throat and i'll mentally feel the blood dripping. but then james will appear and lick the blood off we'll have kinky bloody sex. so that makes me want to plaaaayy even mmmmmore. heheheeeeeee duuuuuuuuude how the hell have you all been? and yea i deleted like half the people on my friends list so i'm kinda starting over even though i'm back. i have a feeling i'll be on here a week and then give up -___________- TELL ME WHY MYOTAKU IS SO AMAZING!! COME ON!! I WANNA HEAR IT!! or does it still suck and i came back too soon? =\

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Wednesday, October 10, 2007

the sad sad cliche breakup from a typical teenage boy.

myO, I don't think it's working out between us anymore. the 'spark' just isn't there anymore. i'm done with you. it's over. i'm breaking up with myO. i've been doubting our relationship for a long time now. i tried to make it work. but it's just fucking pointless. +++++++++++++++++++++ YOU'RE ALL STRANGERS TO ME. Except ONE person. ONE. and i dont need this site to talk to her. YOURE ALL STRANGERS IM TELLING WHAT HAPPENS IN MY FUCKING LIFE TO STRANGERS. is that what myO has become? a SHRINK site? tell crabby teens what happens in your 'oh so crappy' life and get typical advice. most of you don't even care. to be honest, sometimes, I DON'T CARE. who all wants to be friend with me now? any takers? this site is like a rat race. the only reason you comment is so you cant get comments from someone who only comments so they can get comments in return. unless youre the few decent people who are friends. i know that NarutoBlackmail has recently posted that she has had it with myO. i'm not copying her. it's just, well, the things she said, theyre TRUE GASP!! Yes. and I don't have a ton of art to upload. that is anime even. and I don't have a ton of time for this site. so i'm leaving this site up. i'll be here for jenny XD but as for the rest of you. goodbye. i'm leaving. on the choo choo.

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Monday, October 8, 2007

This is a cool thingy I found XD. What are you afraid of? Just put the ones you would check off, not the whole thing XP If you get more than 30 I strongly recommend some counseling! IF you get more than 20 you’re paranoid. If you get 10-20 then u are normal. If you get 10 or less you’re fearless. People who don’t have any are full of shit! I Fear… [ ] the dark [x] staying single forever [ ] being a parent [ ] giving birth <-- i would hope most guys would check this [ ] being myself in front of others [ ] open spaces [ ] closed spaces [x] heights [ ] black cats [ ] dogs [ ] birds [ ] fish [ ] spiders [ ] flowers or other plants [ ] being touched [ ] fire [x] deep water [ ] lakes [ ] silk [ ] the ocean [ ] failure [ ] success [ ] thunder/lightning [ ] frogs/toads [ ] my boyfriends/girlfriends dad [ ] my boyfriends/girlfriends mom [ ] mice/rats [ ] jumping from high places [ ] snow [ ] rain [ ] wind [ ] crossing hanging bridges [ ] death [ ] heaven [ ] being robbed [ ] falling [ ] clowns [ ] large crowds of people [x] men [ ] women [x] having great responsibilities [ ] doctors, including dentists [ ] tornadoes [ ] hurricanes [ ] incurable diseases [ ] snakes [ ] sharks [ ] Friday the 13th [ ] ghosts [ ] poverty [ ] Halloween [ ] school [ ] trains [ ] odd numbers [ ] even numbers [x] being alone [x] becoming blind [x] becoming deaf [x] growing up [ ] monsters under my bed [ ] creepy noises in the night [ ] bee stings [ ] not accomplishing my dreams/goals [ ] needles [ ] blood [ ] dinosaurs if they were alive [ ] the welcome mat [ ] high speeds [ ] throwing up [ ]falling in love My Total: 9 Staying single forever Heights Deep Water Men Having Great Responsibilities Being alone Becoming Blind Becoming Deaf Growing Up I want to go to Wal-Mart. They always have cool halloween stuff for real cheap. Well have a good day!

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