Friday, October 5, 2007

i go *blargh* in the toilet :D

I got my poem! *waves paper* Nostalgia Was it working? You know you didn't feel it. Only in your dreams. Why couldn't it be real? If it didn't work in person, how could you love him? What creates love? You miss April and May. Dreaming that things wont change. Or change back. Dreaming it was just as strong. Why did it die? Why did you die? Who felt it first, and remained unspoken? You love him. You'll never stop loving him. You wished you wouldn't fall out of love. You forgot to wish that he wouldn't. Don't forget next time. If there is such a thing. XD It's about how I was confused on why I still loved him even though he was a liar and an asshole. (he stopped being 'nice'. we told eachother we never want to see or hear from eachother again) But I know that I love who he was. I don't know what happened to him, or what changed. But I miss when we first got together, and we were so passionate, and there was such a deep connection. I know that that is over, and probably gone forever. And I accept it. It's still hard dealing with this though, because I was lied to, betrayed, and rejected. And it was such a shock to me because I had ignored my gut instinct and made myself think his excuses were nothing, and that it would get better. That he wouldn't lie to me. Hah. Do you ever have that thing where songs remind you of someone? I have a bunch of songs that had reminded me of him. I'm going through them to see which ones I can still enjoy =P So far he's ruined: Schism by Tool Bodies by Drowning Pool And maybe Invisible Wounds (Dark Bodies) by Fear Factory. But I'm not sure about that one yet. Also not sure about Anywhere by Evanescence.. .. hey thats not so bad, considering i had a dozen songs that had memory of him. I would say that There For You by Flyleaf is ruined but that was long ago when things were good and so it doesn't make me want to punch a baby. XD. But all of these make we want to vomit. +++++++ Right now the song I'm dwelling on is Forever Gone, Forever You Evanescence I wanted you to be with me For so long I don't even know why now But now that I've given up on you Defiantly you see me Walking away I see the pain You put me through Lost in your game to change the same Forever gone, forever you There's something very wrong about this I think you knew all along somehow You'll only take me to change my mind Lonely, broken, and defeated So far away I see the truth I see through you Now that I know the way you play I don't want to Walking away I see the pain You put me through Lost in your game to change the same Forever gone, forever you +++++++++ Music is amazing. I'm going to Britt's gig today!!! I so happy,I miss her like crazy. We talked on the phone last night for an hour or so. I feel free, now that I'm single. Like there's a ton of weight lifted off of me. I'm surprised on how well I'm dealing with this. But I guess when you're trying to get over someone who's being an asshole to you it's alot easier. WHEEEEEEEEE I was dancing outside and running around with my dogs, and I'm just good. I don't ever have to deal with him again. I'm erasing him from my life. Like he never existed. I just wonder how long this will last, like if I'll break down one day.. idk. I feel like we had broken up the last day of school.

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Thursday, October 4, 2007

   Yea I'll be talking about this subject for a few days.

I left my poems at school. Of course when I say it'll be fine to leave them I need them.. Maybe I'll get them tomorrow. I want to put up a poem I wrote called 'Nostalgia' It pretty much explains what I'm going through. Since I don't feel like saying everything. But yea, basically, my heart needs a band-aid. A lanky sexy band-aid that doesnt want me anymore. Haha. I shouldn't laugh. +++++++ I know it says I'm gay up there, but I like guys a teeny bit. But I'm starting to loathe the label bisexual because people assume I'm a slut. I KNOW I SHOULDN'T CARE WHAT PEOPLE THINK. Idk.. I'm just so.. fucking.. confused. Right now my sexuality is nothing. I am not at all up to a relationship I am not ready to trust someone. It took me an incredibly long time to learn to trust my ex.. U know this Jenny. And now that it has been shattered, I don't feel like I could trust anyone anymore. I hate this. I love you Donovan. I love you so much. Or I loved who I thought you were. We were amazing in April and May... but it like.. died. For me too. I felt the difference when we got together. It wasn't the same, wasn't as exciting. Or as he said, theres no more 'spark'. [im crying now godammit.fuck.] But I kept telling myself that I loved him, I didn't want to break up with him because I didn't want to hurt him. So I like made myself fall deeper in love with him. But I didn't feel it when we were together. Just when I daydreamed about him or thought about how great he is. But I don't know why I still love him. Oh God I love him so much I don't understand this. I'm wondering if we did get back together, and we saw eachother, if it would be the same. If I would feel as passionately about him as I do when I'm thinking about him. Or if I would just feel numb. Like he's some guy just kissing me. It was just so strong in the beginning. I wish it could've lasted. ++++++++ He was really nice about it, though. I had been asking him some rather harsh questions, forcing him to be brutally honest. They hurt me and all but I just want answers. I'm going to talk to him again tonight, if he responds to my texts.. I hope he does because I need to say goodbye. I'm one of those people who needs closure, to know things are final and leave it at the last words that were said. I'm gonna say I love you one last time and wish him the best. And it's his call if he wants to see me again. ++++++++ I can't eat. I feel like throwing up. I ate breakfast yesterday, and I had 2 applesauce cups today. But that's it. I just can't. What's wrong with me? I'm so pathetic. I'm supposed to be strong. But I'm scared.

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Sunday, September 30, 2007

yes.

>>SITE CURRENTLY UNDER CONSTRUCTION<<

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Friday, August 3, 2007

Yea, it was a nice poem. More like lyrics. To the song on my page -_- anyways. ummmmmmm I'm going to Britt's gigger tonight and spendin the night at her house :) And uh, yea.... I got a call today when it was the least expected time ever in 3 months yea... im wasting your time tick tock tick tock I'm reading Twilight. It's pretty awesome. I likey... .... .... I'm gonna go buy my iPod tomorrow. ..... ....... ......... ........... ............. ........... ......... ....... ..... I really have alot of things to think about and sort out. Mostly relationship stuff. I'm gonna get some advice tonight maybe. I'm not the type to kiss and tell. But I need to talk to someone. Before I go and do something insane that I will regret. My head is just spinning. And I can't figure it all out on my own. I have talked to someone before. But I don't know if my dog was listening or just enjoying the attention.... Be back if/when there's less clutter Love. Rabid.

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Thursday, August 2, 2007

Dehumanization

Why is the world so cold? Why are you so cold? Is it true, is it true because of: All of the children crying. All of the people dying Maybe not their flesh and bones but their, Their heart and soul. Oh no, there we go. Tumblin, tumblin down. Oh no, fallin slow. Tumblin, tumblin down. We're ruining ourselves We're ruining eachother Every Day Oh no, there we go. Tumblin, tumblin down. So in the end, you know better than anyone anymore. In the end, You're worse than you ever were before. So maybe it's the way you call her names Every day Or maybe it's because of the words You say right behind her neck You don't see what it does to them at the end of the day, When they're home, When they're down, When they're crying and bleeding on the ground. Maybe they're partially to blame, Maybe it's not all your fault. Cuz you're not him when he plays with those knives Youre not the one in the corner with the whiskey on her breath. So maybe we can only blame ourselves For what we have left. In the end, you know better than anyone anymore. In the end, You're worse than you ever were before. Why is the world so cold? Why am I so cold? Yes it's true, yes it's true that I'm No different from you. I'm not your friend. I messed you up in the end. Cuz in the end, I know better than anyone anymore. In the end, I'm worse than I ever was before. I need to change I need to playin those stupid games. I'm no better than you. I'm dehumanizing people too. -Britt Bettine Best singer/songwriter I know. Best funfetti cupcake maker :3 Best friend to call and talk to; she'll always listen. I love her. She's one of the greatest people I've ever met. †††††††††† Last night I went to my school's orientation. It was cool. Picked my classes for this quarter. Once again, I have taken the crappiest ID picture DX. Ehhh I like pictures that are natural. Like a picture of someone just doing their stuff, not posing. I can't pose. I freeze up and end up looking like [more of] a retard [than I already am]. Cousin's subs comes to our school every Tuesday and Friday XD Yay. Have a good day! Love.Rabid.

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Monday, July 30, 2007

hi. i disappeared for a while. i know you know that. is there anything that you're scared of? i mean so scared of, thinking about it makes you cry? well, for me it's rape. i am so incredibly terrified of it. and the chances of it happeneing to me are not low. my neighborhood sucks. guys wolf whistle at me or follow me or glare at me... etc... not because im attractive. because theyre fucking horny perverts. i've watched the movie Speak as well as read the book twice in the past 2 days. so that got me stirred up. of course. it could just be me but ive always kinda thought that maybe i have been sexually abused. as a young child or something. i know this sounds, extreme. but last year i learned about repression in psychology. and it made sense to me. but i dont know if i'll ever find out whether or not i was. abused. sexually. besides hauntings... today i got my glasses and contacts. i hate glasses. but i dont have to wear them. unless im too lazy to put contacts in. i also got my hair cut. i hate it. the lady cut the layers too short, and it took away from the bottom. if there is such a term for hair, i'd say it's top-heavy. so im wearing it in a side ponytail so its less noticable. i dont care too much though, heh maybe it'll lessen my chance of being raped. stop it. i shouldnt joke. oh yeah, and my birthday was friday. im fifteen. i got to spend it with 2 of the 4 most important people in my life. jenny, and i got to see my boyfriend. finally! after all summer. it was great. it went too fast though. but isn't that how it always works? been listening to kill hannah alot. im falling in love with 'em. thank you bam. thank you nora. if you must, listen to Scream. its at the bottom of my playlist. i start school next week. i go to camp in 2 weeks. im ready. bring it on. just give me some pepper spray... Love. Rabid.

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Sunday, July 22, 2007

hah i copied and pasted this from my bulletin on myspace. i am such a loser XD yay!

pwaa sorry for.. uh im not sorry for anything it aint my fault some buttons on meh keyboard died and i needed them for my password.. so i was screwed for a while. cuz i use the same password for like everything DUMBASS GAH and i cant make my favorite face cuz those are broken too grrr eh well i was gone for the weekend too friday sucked. i had a man digging around in my mouth no not donovan ortho lmao IM HYPER WOOW kay well my mouth is sore. then i had gyno OH JOY just questions thank go...... marilyn manson but i got a shot in the arm gardasil or something idk. but it was looongg i thought it was gonna go straight through my arm. close it bled and it bled and it bled bled bled. and my mommy tried to give me medicine for bleeding via bloodstream. by then i was weak from blood loss i was about to upchuck on her. but she missed my vein TWICE. i blame 'god' cuz she prayed before she stuck the needle in. so then the holes she made in me started bleeding. i fell off my chair. i felt like i was dying. i was but i lived :D and i had skull. but a fedex was supposed to deliver $3000 worth of medicine and we had to be around to collect it cuz it has to be refrigerated. WOW IM TELLING MY LIFE STORY isnt this what myO is for?? uhh.. well anyways ill copy and paste this there in a minute so my mom couldnt leave the house to take me to skull. but we had to leave town for a wedding. my mom was pissed as hell and i was just sitting on the ground outside all delirious. i didnt want my mom to take me to the hospital. i didnt need another needle in me. I already had bruised veins on both my hands and my right inner elbow. hah i look like i was shooting up... *looks away* ah ha.. fuck where was i.. oh yah so we just left and drove to beaver damN and hotel. bed. unconsious. wake up. drunk family members. all good. OKAY WEDDING my cousin jason's and and it had star wars music! the part where quigan [sp?] and darth mall were fighting. haha. um and then my brother and i just hung out and hes was so proud of me for being such a freak. yessah! oh and he bought me a drink. just a malibu. it was pretty good. that was nice. i didnt dance. noo thanx and i watched HIM videos on the drive home. and for the past 6 hours ive been watching viva la bam. after this im going back to watch more. bye bitches if you read this all.. wow. get a life. jk. this is the most life ive had all summer. im still missing something

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Tuesday, July 17, 2007

-date- tuesdayjuly17 -time- 7:17pmct Yah I know, really late post.. sorry What to say, um.. i dunno if i'll get to all of your sites today, maybe tomorrow. I started [summer] school yesterday, 12:30-3:30. It's like a math class, but it's pretty cool. It's keepin my brain from going kablooey. Today I got new phone. My other one has text issues, where not all of them go through. So my mom just added me onto her plan [mine was pay-as-you-go] and got unlimited texts MWA HA HA HA!! Itsa Motorola SLVR. When I was telling the lady which one i wanted i was like "motordlo silver'. I couldn't talk straight today. So I have to use up my minutes on my old phone. I have like 856 or something... uhh... 853. Just checked. I was close, oh yea! So I took the bus home from school and downed a root beer and read the instruction manual, ate chocolate cake, did some online things.. and here i am. In a very awkward [i dont know why] conversation. JUST KIDDING JENNY GOT A KITTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! rabid¢¾

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Thursday, July 12, 2007

-date- thursdayjuly12 -time- 3:07pmct She reminds me of¢¾the one in school¢¾when I was cutting¢¾she was dressed in white¢¾and I couldn't take my eyes off her¢¾but that's not what I took off that night¢¾And she'll never cover up¢¾ what we did¢¾with a dress¢¾no¢¾she said¢¾"kiss me it will heal but it won't forget¢¾kiss me it will heal¢¾but it won't forget."¢¾And I don't mind you¢¾keeping me¢¾on pins and needles.¢¾If I could stick to you¢¾and you could¢¾stick me too.¢¾Don't break, dont break¢¾my heart¢¾and I won't break your¢¾heart-shaped glasses¢¾Little girl, little girl¢¾you should close your eyes¢¾That blue is getting me high¢¾making me low¢¾She reminds me of¢¾the one I knew¢¾that cut up the negatives¢¾of my life¢¾I couldn't take my hands off her¢¾she wouldn't let me be¢¾anywhere but inside¢¾And I don't mind you¢¾keeping me¢¾on pins and needles.¢¾If I could stick to you¢¾and you could¢¾stick me too.¢¾Just¢¾don't break, don't break¢¾my heart¢¾and I won't break your¢¾heart-shaped glasses¢¾Little girl, little girl¢¾you should close your eyes¢¾That blue is getting me high¢¾making me low¢¾And she'll never cober up¢¾what we did¢¾ with a dress¢¾no¢¾she said¢¾"kiss me it will heal¢¾but it won't forget¢¾kiss me it will heal¢¾but it won't forget."¢¾And I don't mind you¢¾keeping me¢¾on pins and needles.¢¾If I could stick it to you¢¾and you could¢¾stick me too¢¾Don't break, don't break¢¾my heart¢¾and I won't break your¢¾heart-shaped glasses¢¾Little girl, little girl¢¾you should close you eyes¢¾This blue is getting me high¢¾making me low Heart-Shaped Glasses (When The Heart Guides The Hand) Marilyn Manson ¢¾¢¾¢¾¢¾¢¾¢¾¢¾¢¾¢¾¢¾¢¾¢¾ You've all heard of The Renaissance Faire, right? Well I'm like in love with it, and I go every year for my birthday since it's around that time. I really wanted to bring my boyfriend, because it means so much to me. But he's busy. I hate, no loathe his parents. It hurts so much. Not so much because he can't come, but I just miss him so much and I love him so much. It SUCKS. I haven't seen him since the thursday after school ended. I can't believe how much in love with him I am. He's my first love, and it just amazes me. I've never cared about one person so much before. ¢¾ ¢¾rabid¢¾

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Wednesday, July 11, 2007

-date- wednesdayjuly11 -time- 2:13pmct Eh I changed my theme anyways... haha Oh well. I just love Kaworu. They spelled it Kaoru but you can spell it either way. I went to Kohl's for the bras.. aren't the ones at Hot Topic like, really expensive? I never got around to checking. O I am going camping!! With Jenny! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee. hehe. We're leaving Friday the 13th O_O Ive been workin out. hah that sounds so weird. anyways. it just feels good. invigorating. I'm mostly just improving meh hard core.. up until 7th grade I had a six pack XD and i mish it. Holy crap am i sore -_- but its worth it I went to find bus routes to my friends house. and.. thats about it. ~rabid

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