Wednesday, July 4, 2007

-time- 11:58amct -date- wednesdayjuly4 Happy 4th, I guess, if yours is happy. I have 100 gb signings. Thank you everyone. I am lucky to have so many good friends. myO is the best! I accuallt got to see AFI play yesterday. I'm not complaining about not seeing AFI. I am so lucky that I did. Yea I was little bummed to leave early, but whatever. It was fun. It's just what my mom was saying to me that pissed me off. Well we got there at 5 and they play at 10. So we [me and Jenny] were there for 5 and a half hours standing in the rain and we only got to see like 15 min of them cuz my mom called and was like 'C'mon I gotta get up early for work tomorrow you need to leave NOW'. I was so pissed. But I guess I don't deserve to have fun. At least I saw some of the show. But since I'm not the one making money I'm not entitled to anything good. Since I get to sleep in in the morning I'm not entitled to any of that. I'm worthless. I'm not accepting anymore of 'allowance' because it'll just get thrown right back at me. She doesn't have to drive me anymore and spend all her money on gas taking me places because I am going to learn the city bus schedule like the back of my hand. I'm gonna look for a job so I can pay for my bus tickets and whatever essentials. Forget about the b-day book list I'll just go to the library. Why do I have to own the books anyway? Besides, going to the library will get me out of the house. I've been stuck at home for the past month and my mom had always complained that I don't go out with friends or have a social life. When I finally do go out, I am reminded why I don't. Cuz it always ends up like this. Fighting and guilt and degrading me and crying and suicidal thoughts and self mutilation. I really can't stand life right now. I'm probably the most ungrateful, spoiled brat. I'm not asking for attention. I could care less if anyone read this. But right now I'm living for my boyfriend. I wouldn't commit suicide. It's not like that. But if I didn't have him, I'd just be living to be alive. I have no future. I've already fucked up all that I have/could have. I'd just be living to keep my family from crying over my death and from the gov. chasing after my mom or whatever. Life would suck but whatever. She makes it feel like I don't deserve anything. I probably don't. People who deserve good are like Jenny. Who's home life really does suck and she deserves so much better than that. Sorry for the long post yesterday and today. I just end up rambling.. ~rabid

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