Tuesday, April 1, 2008

emotive unstable you're like the unwinding cable car

i'm splitting the last 4 days into 2 posts cuz its really long the past few days were about the adventures of nikki & james. friday night, i finally told james i'm in love with him. my neice was sleeping in the bunk underneathe me and i dont know if she heard me but i cried when i told him. it felt so right, and so strong... i didn't cry out loud but i felt the hot tears on my face. after that, we were dying to see eachother. and it didn't help for him that i was hanging out with a different guy friend the next day. he gets a little jealous but really had nothing to worry about. at the guy friend's house i mostly played video games and ate cookies. and he had another friends over and those two were wrestling and because i'm perverted it looked like gay sex to me... but then it gave me ideas for wrestling with james. and i sat in my corner eating cookies and texting him. i couldnt wait to get the hell out of there because i couldnt stop thinking about james and i didnt want to be at another guys house. on sunday, i was cleaning my room because i planned to have james over on monday and my room... you just don't know... me and my mom got in a huge fight over the matress i had in my room that i take out when my neice spends the night. i didnt want to put it away but she wanted it away. she was afraid me and james were going to have sex on it. what did she forget that she was going to be home? and that my door was going to be open? i got really pissed and it turned into a big trust thing. she said she trusted me but not james cuz she didnt know him that well. and i was like, what, you think hes gonna fucking rape me right there in my bed? she was like Thats not it! but i dont see why it would be such a problem, and why she didnt trust him and then didnt think he was gona rape me, what did she not trust him about? i was so pissed and at myself cuz we were screaming at eachother and i was crying and i all of a sudden just banged my head fucking hard as i could into the wall. my mom was like WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!?!! i dont know what happened but i know i was pretty fuckin upset all from my head and i was crying and gasping, and she had left for work at noon. i didnt know what to do, i ended up taking my closet door and banging it into my head a second time. i felt like cutting but then i called james instead. he was worrying like hell about me bcuz i was crying so much on the phone, he was so scared i was hurt from banging my head. i was crying and basically saying Baby I need you, I need you SOO much right now. and he said he would be on his way to my house in an instant if i just said the word. i thought about it, because my mom was not home. i said yeah. when he got to my house, i was playing resident evil but after that i just layed there in his arms, it was so amazing and just worth it to have him there. he left just before my mom got home at 9pm. i swear i'm so in love with him. and it's much stronger than my last boyfriend. it's so much better. and i do realize i opened myself up to being soo vulnerable. i gave him my heart. but i think it's gonna be okay. TO BE CONTINUED...

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