Thursday, May 1, 2008

happy may

hai well, i now have the opportunity to smoke pot, tomorrow. with my gewd friends bethany and tara. so im safe with that. after lunch we're gonna leave school and go find a place, we're just gonna skip the rest of the day. and i have til 9pm to clean/sober up so thats gewd too. i don wanna smoke a blunt tho i wanna use a pipe :) well a bong sounds better but none of us have a bong. tara has a pipe i hope she'll sharee. i think im starting to figure out my relationship. just a little bit. i dont like being around him when were with my friends or his friends. i like bein aloonne. amd i dont really feel much for him except for when one of us is upset or messed up. like last night on the phone he started crying because i was depressed and in like 'zombie mode'. and he was like "are you distant? you dont feel the same as we first did, do you?" and that made me sad and i cried too. because it is true. but i dont want to lose him. i dont want to break his heart. i wanna be single but i dont want to lose him, at the same time. i want to stay with him. doesnt make sense, huh? i think its like, when i'm with my friends, i feel differently. i feel like i want to be with a girl or be single, and i dont feel much for him. but when its just me and him, we can connect really good and really deep. and i dont want to leave his side. and i know that im hurting him when i'm distant. and that makes me sad. because i wish i could return his feelings ALL THE TIME and i feel guilty that i cant always. there are times that i am in love with him, and there are times when i am not. it's strange and i dont understand it myself. when hes in trouble or hurting i really really really care about him and love him but, when hes happy and ok, i dont want so much to do with him. I DONT FUCKING KNOW the donovan obsession thing... i dont know whats up with that. but i miss him like crazy. i dont want to be in a relationship with him, i just wanna see him. problem is, if i do see him. :'(((( theres a very high chance that i might end up... cheating on james >:O and i dont wanna hurt him!! grrrr. well i have a braces appt tomorrow and im going to see if i can get rainbow rubber bands. if not i'll probably get light green. i have alot of homework to do, 3 page story due tomorrow. i've got an idea of what im going to do. so imma get on that...

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