Sunday, March 13, 2005

   Chapter 55: Through My Eyes...
Kagome heard the leashed menace in Inuyasha's voice, her ears flattening back self consciously, "Let go of me, Inuyasha."

"Not on your fucking life, little girl," Inuyasha growled, rising easily to his feet with Kagome still pinned to his chest. "How dare you?" he turned her in his arm, one arm banded around her waist and the other lifting to her chin to tilt her face up. "How dare you fucking run away from me after you promised you wouldn't!?"

Kagome set her jaw, her chin lifting out of his hand before she averted her face and stubbornly stayed silent.

Inuyasha's hold tightened, forcing her face back, "Don't even think I'll let you behave like that, Kagome. You try pushing me right now and you're not going to like the results, understand?"

Her brows lowered as she yanked hard against his hold, "What did you think I would do, Inuyasha?! I never ask you for anything and suddenly you ask me to give this up?" she gestured to herself with her chin when he refused to release her arms. "You go running off all the time when you want to be alone!" she accused hotly.

"I don't go running off to attack the first youkai I come across," he hissed in answer, baring his fangs. "You know how serious it is to balance and control yourself and you STILL went jumping off and fucking attacked Sesshoumaru!! Of ALL the damn worthless youkai you could have found, you run into him! Are you really that unlucky or are you purposefully doing everything you can to piss me off?"

"I didn't know I was going to run into him!" Kagome hissed defensively, her brows drawing together when her knees shook slightly. 'Damn... I'm starting to feel it,' her fingers curled in his haori, holding her steady against him. She didn't feel quite as tired as she had the other times, but she could feel the blackness teasing just at the edge of her consciousness as the pain turning into a nagging throb through her injuries.

"If you hadn't, would you still be running?" Inuyasha bent, lifting her effortlessly in his arms and stalking past the others as though they weren't even there on his way back to the campsite. "Is Sesshoumaru the only reason you stopped?"

"And if I say yes?" she grumbled in annoyance, folding her arms over her chest.

Inuyasha's lip curled back off his fangs and his eyes blazed down at her averted face, "Goddammit, you promised me that no matter what you wouldn't run away again, Kagome!"

"I said I wouldn't leave you, not that I wouldn't run," she shivered faintly, eyes closing as she tried to hold back the memory filling her thoughts at the reminder. She breathed a few choice curses under her breath when she felt her heart lurch and then warmly pulse in time to the tattoo as his aura cracked through the last of her barriers and rebalanced.

Inuyasha's growl momentarily changed to one of satisfaction, his hands tightening to lift her higher against his chest, "That's better. It really is getting easier every time you make me do it this way."

Kagome blushed, well aware of why his hands had gone from tense to faintly stroking and growled herself to banish the mental images. She could feel the youkai blood calm, blinking to clear her eyes when she could actually feel them changing back, "I wanted to be alone, Inuyasha. I wanted to think and running seemed like a good way to keep from getting angry."

"Don't bullshit me, Kagome," Inuyasha snorted, glancing back to be certain Miroku and Sango were holding Shippou back before he leaped into the trees to distance them and gain some privacy. "You were already pissed off before you ran or you wouldn't have hit me... or changed," he frowned down at her. "Miroku told me you were like this before you started running."

Kagome made a mental note to throttle the monk later, "I had to get away, Inuyasha."

"You were running away from me," his voice dared her to deny that after all the proof he had that it was the truth. He dropped back down into the clearing, his anger returning steadily with the continuing silence from the still girl in his arms. Setting her on her feet again, he braced her up against one of the trees, but retained his hold on her wrist in a vice-like grip, "Answer me, Kagome. I'm trying damn hard to be patient but you're making it very difficult."

"What would you have done in my place, hn?" Kagome snapped up at him, tugging ineffectually against his hold and planting her other hand on the sturdy trunk at her back. "You were standing there, happy as you please, telling me that we're going to get disconnected! Was I supposed to thank you?!"

"I was not!" Inuyasha barked back at her, his own temper snapping at the accusation that he'd actually "enjoyed" telling her about what the voice had said.

Kagome kept going, too tired to reign in the hurt and stop the words tumbling freely from her, "Do you even care why I ran? Why I was fighting with Sesshoumaru? Contrary to what you seem to think, I wasn't fighting with that pompous asshole on purpose."

"You lost control and-"

"No!"she slapped her free hand hard against his chest, the unexpected action sending him back a step before he regained his footing and stared at her shimmering eyes in surprise. "I DIDN'T lost control when I ran, OR when I ran into him, baka! Sesshoumaru challenged me. He accused me of being too weak to be a youkai, or to be your mate, and challenged me to prove to him that I wasn't."

"What?!" Inuyasha yanked her forward, the anger redirecting to his brother. What the hell was he thinking saying something like that when he had to have known, or at least sensed she wouldn't be able to resist. Sesshoumaru might be a lot of things, but unobservant wasn't one of them.

"He challenged me to prove I was strong enough for your family, strong enough to mate with you," her eyes were blazing in weary frustration as she ground out a repeat of her explanation. "That I could be a youkai-"

"That sonofa-!"

"Dammit, Inuyasha, I've been trying to do that on my own!" Kagome cut him off again, but this time her voice held a flat, heavy edge of defeat. She turned her head up and met his gaze unflichingly, "I knew exactly what I was doing."

Inuyasha's eyes went wide, sucking in a sharp breath, he grabbed her face to keep her from dropping her gaze again and demanded, "You what?!"

"You always said how weak and pathetic I was when I was human," her azure eyes had filled with a wealth of self directed disgust and she snorted in irritation. "Now I can be a youkai. I can be strong on my own and no one can see that! Every fucking time I fight all you want to do is stop me."

Inuyasha's hand dropped to fist in her slashed kimono and drag her up until they were nose to nose, "You can't control your youkai blood, and if you think that for one second I'm going to risk you losing it completely like I did you're out of your fucking mind, bitch."

"It's getting easier!" she protested, bristling over the censure in his voice that put her so distinctly in mind of Sesshoumaru's early remarks about being immature. "I haven't even known I could do this for a month, Inuyasha, and you AREN'T helping me learn how at all!"

"In case you haven't noticed, every time you go over the top and lose it, we're just a little bit busy trying to keep you from getting your stubborn ass killed!" he roared at her, lifting her off the feet and pinning her against the tree with his own body weight. "It's not like I've had time to teach you how to control yourself!"

"What about now?!" she grabbed his haori with both hands and yanked him forward too. "Things are settling down and all you have to say to me is 'You can be human again!' Haven't you thought for one second that I might not WANT the spell to go away? Did it ever occur to you that I don't want anything to change?"

Inuyasha's mind screeched to a rather abrupt halt, jerking his head back reflexively to study her narrowed glare. 'She... doesn't want...? That can't be right!' he shook his head with a growl of miserable frustration. 'She's still youkai; she's not thinking like herself. She wanted the spell gone from the start, even Kaede-baba said so! Dammit, Kagome don't make this harder on me!'

But to Kagome, he simply growled louder, clenching his fists and hissing out, "You think I don't know how my blood thinks, Kagome? You're not yourself and that's the only reason you're saying this."

Kagome's eyes widened in disbelief and then narrowed sharply as her lips pulled back in a snarl, "You-you fucking bastard! You think I'm any different this way?! You think that I don't know what I'm saying?"

"I know for a fact how fast you lose control," he accused in a rising yell. "Hell, Kagome, it's like you're not even trying to control yourself!"

"I'm NOT!" she snapped back, catching him off guard and slamming both hands against his sternum to knock him back again. "Don't you get it? If I use the youkai blood, I can fight too! Even my miko powers work the way they're supposed to since this spell was cast. I don't feel like I'm slowing you down any more!"

Inuyasha gaped at her, his eyes sweeping her as he clearly felt her draw off his strength to push back her body's exhaustion, "You... you're losing control on purpose? Bitch, are you fucking insane?!"

The blue in Kagome's eyes darkened to murky purple as the scarlet mingled with it, "I LIKE being like this, Inuyasha. I fought Sesshoumaru to prove to him I could be a youkai, and I was winning. If you try to make me a human again, I'll fight you too."

Inuyasha's body went stiff when he caught the enticing edge filling her scent yet again, violently cursing the fact that his own youkai blood had yet to completely settle and restore the hanyou balance when the answering thrill of excitement made his heartbeat speed up, "Calm down, Kagome. You aren't in any shape to fight and against me, you'll always lose."

Kagome started to slide down into a crouch, the growl vibrating in her throat, "You're a fucking hypocrite, Inuyasha. What is it about me this way that makes you so eager to change me back?"

He flexed his claws, eyes narrowing at the insult, "Hypocrite?"

"I've never given half a damn what shape you were in," she raked him from head to foot, making him well aware of his own altered state. "And now you're deciding that I have to be human for you?"

A flush spread over Inuyasha's face, "You never asked to get turned into... whatever the hell that spell turned you into. You aren't either one, Kagome, do you really want to live like that? Can you live like that?!"

Part of Inuyasha was snarling at himself, demanding to know what the hell he was thinking, arguing with her about this when all he wanted to do was scream out his excitement that she didn't want things any different than he did. SHE didn't want to be disconnected any more than he wanted to let them be...

But the youkai's accusations hung heavy in his ears. He'd always been selfish with Kagome; almost disgustingly selfish from the very start. Hell, he tried to stop her every time she tried to go home, not to mention what he'd been doing since he'd found out about the spell that tied them together.

His expression darkened abruptly when he thought of his reaction to Kouga and even that human boy. She had always been his, but then she had seen him kiss Kikyou more than once. He'd even used to compare her to the miko and tell her she fell short, and yet never allowed her to search out someone else... anyone else besides him. If that wasn't the height of selfishness on his part, he didn't know what was.

And what if she really wasn't thinking clearly? This could just be his blood protecting his hold on her soul, his real desire reflected through Kagome. The youkai told him he'd never seen blood as possessive as his... was it making Kagome just say what he wanted to hear?

"You survived as a hanyou your entire life," she pointed out, tossing her head as she visibly trembled with her anger. "Why can't I learn to live like this?"

"You'd be giving up everything you knew, dammit!" Inuyasha closed the space between them with ease, grabbing her wrists and pinning her back. "I can't let you do that, Kagome. Not when I can give your life back to you."

Kagome arched, straining against his hold, "It's my body! It's my blood!"

Inuyasha pinned her back again, his eyes blazing, "It's MY blood!"

"Not anymore," she challenged angrily. "I can feel it, Inuyasha, it's not the same anymore."

His brows rose sharply, "What?"

"You're my mate, start acting like it!" Kagome reared up, her eyes shimmering as she fought to hold back tears of helpless frustration. Why was this so hard? Why couldn't he just tell her that he'd accept her no matter what? "You can fucking feel me when we balance, and you've never lost my scent. Do I smell anything like you except for as your mate?"

Inuyasha reared back in momentary surprise, "What are you talking about?" She just smelled like Kagome... Why would she smell any different?

Kagome didn't even stop to wonder where this was coming from, simply snapping out the knowledge her blood was steadily feeding to her, "Shippou said when we swapped that you smelled like me and I smelled like you. If this was all your blood still, why wouldn't I smell exactly like you? Or at least a mix of you and me? It's mine, Inuyasha... It's... it's changing..."

Inuyasha frowned, his ears flattening back and his eyes filling with confusion and just a hint of fear. Was this something new that not even the voices had been able to predict? "How... how did you know it was changing? What changed it?" he demanded, his fingers biting into her.

"I don't know!" Kagome shook her head fiercely, tears slipping down her cheeks as her breathing hitched on a restrained, frustrated sob. "Do you think any of this is easy? There are things in my head, thoughts and feelings, and I have no idea where they come from or how I know them! The only thing I know to do is listen to it and let it out!"

He released her wrists, looping an arm around her waist and crushing her up against his chest and sinking his other hand into her hair, "Kagome... We can fix it. Everything can be back to normal and you won't have to worry about any of this."

Kagome scowled up at him, "You still don't get it, do you? Damn, Inuyasha, how many different ways are you going to make me say the same thing?"

Inuyasha set his jaw, "You aren't calm enough to be in control. I can't take the risk."

Growling, her hands snaked around and caught his wrists, breaking his hold and throwing him away from her, "I'm not letting you take this away from me."

He hadn't thought there would be anything Kagome could do or say right then that would seriously spark his banked temper. He was determined to ignore his own desire to keep them bound for the sake of her sanity, but ever last bit of that went sailing off on the wind when she turned, every line of her body screaming that she was about to run again.

"STAY!" Inuyasha roared, slamming his fist through the tree at his side in a reflexive, physical manifestation of the rage that went pouring through him.

"Sit!" she barked back, twisting her upper body to glare back at where he flattened to the ground. "You're the one who keeps reminding me how pointless this shit is now, Inuyasha, what are trying to accomplish?"

Inuyasha's eyes burned into hers silently, making the growl in her throat settle out and finally quiet completely. Under that unblinking stare, she started to fidget nervously, her claws flexing against her thighs while her ears alternately flicked forward and back.

"I'm surprised I even remember how to do this," he finally said, his voice low and almost painfully flat as he grabbed the sleeve of his haori, ripping off a narrow strip. "Even worse, I can't believe I was stupid enough not to do this a long time ago. We could have avoided so much of this idiocy."

Kagome didn't know what was making her more nervous... the way his voice was so disturbingly calm after they'd spent so much time yelling, or the actual words themselves, "What's 'this,' Inuyasha. What are you talking about?"

"Stay," he murmured almost absently when he felt the spell lifting, waiting with predatory patience for her outraged hiss and the return of his own. He fell silent again after that, keeping a firm grip on her through the connection and barely restraining a relieved smile when the anger in her started to fade beneath the curious apprehension.

Kagome's brows furrowed when she felt something pulse deep and heavy in her heart, something big... and waiting tensely, "What are you doing?"

Inuyasha ignored her, his ears flicking back when he caught scent of their companions returning, "Oi! Bouzu! Quit taking so long when you can finally do something useful!"

Miroku's look of confusion completely matched the one on Kagome's face as Kirara landed, waiting for her passengers to dismount before reverting back to her much smaller form. Shippou was squirming in his hold, hissing and swearing in his effort to get down and go to Kagome's side, but the monk stubbornly held on, "Inuyasha?"

Inuyasha huffed at Shippo in annoyance, catching the kit's gaze first, "Calm down, brat. You can see her when I'm done with this." A sudden thought hit him on the best way to gain the kitsune's agreement and his lips quirked in the barest of smug grins, "Besides, I'm going to need your help."

Shippou stopped squirming, his eyes widening as he studied Inuyasha's face for a hint that he was teasing, but he seemed perfectly serious. He nodded, puffing up importantly, "What do I do?"

Kagome tugged against the spell, something in the back of her mind shivering with bone-deep anxiety as she watched Inuyasha rise up on his haunches, "What do you need Miroku for?"

And still he said nothing to her.

Instead, he reached up, digging his claws into his shoulder until the sharp twinge of blood scented the air and made her cringe, eyes rounding in alarmed surprise. No matter how confused or angry she was, the scent and sight of an injury on him always brought every protective instinct rising to the forefront of her mind.

Now was no different, and her eyes turned liquid in concern, "What the hell are you doing?!"

She was on her feet the moment the spell wore off, rushing to his side and reaching up to grab his wrist and keep him from digging any deeper. Inuyasha silently caught her hand before it could reach him and stop the action, linking their fingers and yanking her into his side. He was staring at her, eyes gleaming with an intense emotion that made her shiver, while he raised his voice to Miroku, "Oi... You still have the ofuda you and Kaede-baba used when you sealed me into that hut?"

Miroku blinked, reaching into his robes to remove the paper charms, "Ofuda will not work on a miko, Inuyasha. Kagome-sama destroys barriers-"

"You're not sealing me into a hut, Inuyasha," Kagome shook her head, growing even more confused, and this time the youkai blood wasn't being forthcoming with the information. What in the world was he thinking?

Inuyasha still refused to speak to her, turning his head to level a narrowed gaze on Miroku, "Bring them here."

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