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myOtaku.com: Rain Phantom


Wednesday, February 4, 2004


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I'm in a mood. And apon realizing none of you will see this, much less respond, my mood worsens. I really hate auditions. I feel as though my ass-hole high school directior was right in never casting me for ANYTHING ANYONE WOULD SEEEEEEEEE. He's such a dumb-ass. Like my engilsh professor. She's truly an idiot. But that's not the point. The point is that I have discovered, just recently mind you, that I cannot act. "Oh well, neither can any average Joe," you say, and walk off. But NAY! This has been my life since...since....Forever! I was in 4th grade and I knew this is what I wanted to do with my life. Not only that, but I was proficied over from God that this would be my calling and my ministery. Well, crap! Just now I realize I suck????? How can I delute myself for so long??? And what do I do now? There has never been another option for me. This is it, this was going to be my life. And I loved it. Until now. I want to do so much, I want to get this acting thing so much, but what am I supposed to do? Beat my brains till I feel something snap, till I understand how to do it? God, please tell me where you want me to be. What do you want me to do, God? I can't start directing at this school till senior year, and then that's only a class. It's all I have left, and I see myself waiting years till I find out if that works too. And what if that turns out like this? I dunno what to do. If anyone can please pray for me, pray for gidance and peace for me. This is what I am, and it feels like it's gone now. No hope to return, that passion, and what felt like being good. Let Him speak to me, in a dream, in the shower, I don't care. I just need God. I want to be ready if he needs me to do something, but I am so far from it. Plaease pray for me, and I'll reaturn the favor. God bless.
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