Wednesday, February 7, 2007

Goodbye to MSN for now

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Introduction Powered by eSnips.com Warning: The player starts with its maximum volume. So please be careful. Open Heart! On my previous post, I said that I've been home alot. So, I haven't been using much energy. I've now become kind of an insomniac. I go to bed at 2am, for example, but I'm awake for over 1 hour. Just lying in bed, in the dark. The human mind is really scary in that kind of situation. I've been thinking alot, and the more I think, the less sleepy I get. Last night (this morning, or whatever it is) I went to bed at 1am, but I only fell asleep at about 4am. So what have I been thinking about? Well, lots of things. And last night (this morning) at 2:30am, I decided that I really need a break from everything. But mostly from MSN, coz that's where I talk to my ex (or wait 10~30 mins for a single line reply, but that's if I get a reply, which ever way you put it). Yes, unfortunately, it all comes back to him again. My mind says "get over him!" but my heart's another story. My heart's like Humpty Dumpty, all broken with no way to put it back together. A rebound relationship might work, but I think that it's really unfair for the rebound guy. So I lie in bed, thinking about how worthless I feel, and how I failed at making him happy, then I start to think about all the shitty moments in my life. Then I cry, fall asleep, have a nightmare and wake up at 9am. Then I think "fuck this" and go back to sleep. Then mum pulls me out of bed at 1am. There's just so much bottled up inside of me, that I want to sort out. I don't want those things inside of me anymore! I had enough! Problems with my parents. Problems with other family members. Personal problems. Health problems. Losing my bf. Feeling worthless. I want those things out of my head! And I think that the only way I'm going to do that is to write them all out properly. So do I need a break from the internet, so that I have more time to concentrate on myself? I honestly don't know. I know that I don't have any privacy in my own room, so I'll have to write things out on the computer, and make it so that only the person with a password (ie me) will be able to access it. But in order to do that, I have to pretend like I'm on the net(coz if I'm not on the net, my mum would be constantly asking about what I'm doing). Then I'll definately end up back here. So I guess I'll just stay away from MSN. And I probably won'y post for a while too (not that I posted everyday...). I should warn everyone that I'll be in a really dark mood for a while. I just don't want to pretend like I'm happy anymore. I have to pretend in real life, and I just want an escape from that. But I meant everything cheerful I said on comments. I just didn't have a smile on my face when I wrote them. I don't know if I'll post what I write down. I'll decide on that later. But if I don post it, it'll probably be extremely long. I've just been keeping things inside for so long. 20 long years (wait, when I was 1 year old??? anyway...) I'm also trying to decide whether or not I should let my friends on MSN know the reason I'll be leaving them for a while. nly 2 of them know the url for this blog. One's my ex, but he doesn't remember the url. I think he just doesn't care about me anymore, even though he says that he does. Anyway, I'm starting to cry now, so I'm going. It's also 1:30am, so I should go to bed... Oh and don't worry, I won't do anything stupid. I may be depressed, but I'm still sane (for the most part). Credits Shugo Chara! © Peach-Pit Site hosted by myotaku.com Layout edited by Master Hiko Layout's base by 311

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