Tuesday, April 10, 2007

   Sorry, loves. This is a long one, but...it gives some insight.
I realize I haven't been on in a while, but here's a quick update.

I've been kinda miserable lately.

My home life is crap and you'd think that since I'm eighteen I would just move out, right? Too bad I don't have the money. Even if I did have the money I've no one to room with in the first place.

I'm going to give you all a little bit of my reasoning as to why my home life is bad. You don't have to read if you don't want to. I don't exactly expect you to. It'll give you a little bit of insight as to why I'm always so happy when something so small happens in my life. I'm going to tell it like you would a story, and...read at your own discretion I guess...Some of you may find it a little mature...

When I was younger, all my parents ever did was fight. When I was six, I had found out while eavesdropping on one of their many fights that my mom had been cheating on my dad with someone she'd met at college.

Not even a week after their divorce we had moved in with the new man. Brian.

When I was twelve, Brian came into my room one night. You see, he used to wake me up by stroking my hair and saying that it was time to wake up, so when he began doing this, I thought nothing of it and pretended to still be asleep. I grew afraid though, when he put my fingers to his lips and kissed them. I shot up in my bed finally when he put my fingers IN his mouth.

"What time is it?" I asked, pulling my hand away from him.

"It's late," he said.

"You're really making me uncomfortable."

"Okay." And with that he threw his hands up in defeat and walked out of my room. He closed the door behind him.

I should have locked it.

I laid in my bed after he left my room and wondered what had just happened. I knew I wouldn't be able to fall asleep again, so I just laid there, staring at my ceiling. I heard a familiar creaking which meant my bedroom door was being pushed open. I feigned sleep.

I rolled over onto my side and squeezed my eyes closed tight hoping that I was just hearing things...but my hair was being stroked. Soon he put my fingers in his mouth again, and I still pretended to sleep. When he grew tired of my fingers, he started rubbing my shoulders. Clumsily massaging them. Still I pretended to sleep. Finally, his hands went to more delicate places...and still yet, I pretended to sleep.

He grew bored of a sleeping, seemingly lifeless me and fell asleep sitting up on my floor with his head resting on my bed.

Once I heard that familiar snoring, I climbed out of bed making sure not to disturb him, and I went in my sisters room and made sure that she was still in one piece. I called my mom and cried to her. She came home from work immediately.

That happened when I was twelve. I still live with him.

He's always accidentally walking into my room when I'm changing or...accidentally coming into the bathroom when I'm taking a shower.

You see, now you who have read this know why I'm going to be kind of miserable. I will try to keep my posts as happy as I can, but if ever you hear of my stepdad, you'll know I'm upset.

To those who read this, thank you for listening to my story. To those who either didn't want to, or didn't care to read this, I thank you for visiting my site anyway.

I think I'm going to bed now...it's one in the morning, and I'm all cried out. I finally came out and told Corry what happened and...I cried when I told him this. And I'm crying now as I did then.

Good night all.
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