Tuesday, January 13, 2004

erm...
okay so contrary to belief i am not dead just refrained from writing in here but i am in school and feel like i have a lot to say anyways

i feel like i've come to some terms about myself, for awhile i wanted to be with someone and always had to be with someone as in a signficant other to have someone always support me but lately i've realized even though i dont have that support doesnt mean that i cant live on and be independent
i guess in my life i have start handling things on my own and not always haveing to go to ken or something for some problem of mine, even though i do like to go to him and get his opinion on many things because he wise and is always willing to help me.

but anyways besides that
i've realized how much liars are in todays world and how i cant just trust so easily on them because they are always pointing there daggers and stabbing.

anyways on another part
contrary to ones belief
i've been trying to change a lot.. i even made a list of what i want to change.. and it will take some time because sometimes i catch myself going back to what i was before.

travis once said it was on action, but maybe the action is there but you cant always see it so easily.
when i talked to him i believed he opened his mouth to soon, so i havent talked to him sense, even though he has all this knowledge that he says he has he needs to watch where to put it because sometimes his knowledge wont be appreciated by all people..
sometimes he is wrong to begin with.

i am not a perfect person like he thinks and that i dont always know the right thing to say or do.
but i atleast try to change that and try.
and sometimes if you cant see it so much doesnt mean its not there.

ia m sorry if this entry doesnt make sense
its not suppose to i guess .. its suppose to be about me venting about some stuff y'know.

i was reading kens journal thing and he was talking about how he is free from the religious shackles and such.. well he is.
but sometimes when i am.. i feel so alone like i have nothing to depend on or think of to depend on..
i read something like that in a book called night and it seemed to interest me in some ways about how he felt about religion..
it used to be so much to me but later when you go through things you just start to think
wait.. maybe he isnt here like i thought.

right now about religion i am unsure of what i believe.
if he was there then he is doing a certain lot of shit to make me appeal to him and want him in my life by makeing me go through all these tries.

i don't really know what i am talking about because my brain patterns seem to be jumping around a lot and i am probably not even makeing any sense
so anyways
i'll shut up and i'll leave more on all of this when i collect my thoughts and brain patterns.
besides the bells gonna ring and i finished my first exam.
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Thursday, January 1, 2004

All you wanted was somebody who cares...
first post of the new year.

lets just leave it as my new years eve wasnt as fun as all my friends
it involved crying.. lonlieness..and well the usual ._.;

but this time i've never felt so alone before
like no one was there for me..
its like jumping off a building.. and nothing being there to support you or catch you when you reach the bottom

i am trying to change a lot
become less apathetic more nice and careing.. and trying to get along with people i've never gotten along with..

anyways
i'm bored so i decided to write an entry in here.. its amazing because i havent even written an entry in my lj yet ^^; less people read this than anything else ._.; so its easier to talk in here when in my lj all my irl friends read it and i feel like my feelings are open on ebay.

-_____-
so i am bored ..drinking my starbucks
i gave my brother money for a drink to buy me because i was freezing
i am weird like that irl..
get cold easy o___o; i once was in computer art and one of my hands was numb while the other one was fine..
i showed the teacher (my friend heaver and i are pretty tight with the teacher) and he was like "Wow.. o_o thats weird, indeed"
i derno..
*shakes head*

Anyhow i am keeping close tabs on my friend chris..
he's been hitting on my friends and includeing me and he has a girlfriend. so i told him he either stops right now or i'll go to his girlfriend personally and tell her, all the while i will never talk to him again.

I couldn't stand for it because he did it before and lied through his teeth to me.
he said it was a "joke" because he was bored but what tree is he smokeing? you don't do that... play with peoples emotions too
he said it was all a joke except for "me"
i was like "wtf. Whatever. don't even go there with me" --;;;

its surprising i am still friends with him after all the lieing he has done to me..
i guess i feel like i need to mold him into something..
keep him in line..
he reminds me of me when i was younger though
>___>
i know it might not be my duty to do any of that but hes one of my closet guy friends sort of treat him like a brother and i am concerned about him.

owell.
moveing onto subjects
i was takeing a quiz about which myotaku are you?
They used "Rei" XD i was like "DOOD! ITS ME!" XD
since my nickname which everyone calls me irl is Rei.
and it reminded me of me but I know it wasnt probably Rei from Evangelion ^^;..

anyways
i think thats enough for an entry
Later Days
- Moi
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Sunday, December 28, 2003

....
he broke up with me

he loves me.. but he cant handle a relationship with me yet.

..i sound like a rough person to be with.

i am depressed.
-_____-

someone cheer me up?
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Thursday, December 25, 2003

Sleep Deprived
I decided to add a post..
>_< don't know why but ehh
anyways christmas was boreing.. my presents were ehh
i got a lot of art stuff..
lets say.. A LOT of art stuff here..
and a drawing tablet so i can get some more drawings onto my deviant art account.

uhm
i got penguin socks XD the highlight of my night
w00tage.

anyways tomorrow should be cool i invited friends over to go Mitsuwa..the japanese marketplace
so that shall be extra fun ^^ since i have money to spend there
its cool because manga there is sold for like 5 dollars and manga sold around here is like 10 dollars.. its a rip off ><; so i am gonna get lots of japanese stuff
eat japanese food.
yummay!
^_^ anyways
i am gonna go for now
tired >.< Night.

oh and i went to church this morning and i saw Mike.
he shaved his head -_- how dare he. XD my brother called him mister potato head.
anyways..
we didnt talk but him and kelly talked about stuff... and then he had to go and he gave kelly a hug and then we did this little.. ughh high five thing..then he hugged me and went bye bye
i was shocked about his hair. but apparently i wont be seeing him untill.. another few weeks.
hes going back to california so that sounds interesting.
anyways i hope to get a chance to just talk with him sometime about stuff
anyways i am gonna finally go now
ciao

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Monday, December 22, 2003

Well i am flipping through my mind to think of things to say but knowing me i suck at this..

hunger seems to be pokeing at me today, it took its fork and its demanding food which i have to wait untill later.
pity me.
not really
i've had a lot to eat today.. i had some food at the hospital..and then some McDonalds for lunch... and now some pork chops.
wow i am writing about food? How stupid i sound right now huh?

I am bored, just give me a break >_>;;
i have so much to do this break..
i have three projects to work on and my third one is my new years card for japanese class @_@ I cant draw a monkey for gosh sakes XD;...so wish me good luck ^.^;
anyways..
besides that
i have a lot of cleaning up my act to do during break ..and a lot of resting so when i come back i'll be able to work hard and do good on my tests.

on friday in school it was weird we had a quiz in math and everyone copied off of eachother XD
it was weird.. first you had kevin copying off jessica and then justin off of Britney..and then like elisa on the other side of the room XD trying to ask my side of the room questions.
o_o whats the world comeing to?
the funny part is that the Substitute for that class didnt even notice at all..

anyways moveing to a different subject i was reading my friend journal on how he complained about his girlfriend telling him things he really doesnt care to hear like a guy liking her and wanting her to dump him and stuff
i mean there should be a class people on what and what not to tell your significant other.
i mean it's happened to me a lot ._. i mean its not the best thing to hear this its like "ok..."
*shakes head*

anyways my plans this christmas is to open gifts... then seclude myself from the family..
but i might talk to my aunt, she is really nice and stuff i enjoy talking to her ^^; i am glad my dads side isnt comeing over.. because they stay forever as how my moms side eats..and stays for an hour then leaves XD its cool.
my dads side of the family doesnt particularly like me... my grandma on that sside dislikes me becauses i am learning japanese and shes all "your mexican you should be learning spanish..Not Japanese..what is this?" and shes all ...doesnt like me at all XD she plays favorites with all the kids.. everyone says they all get there turns..except me right?
o_O;; i don't really care anymore
i just cant wait to go to japan ^^; i gotta wait another year though -_-; fudge.
anyhow
i am off and i'll stop rambling

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A Numb Hand
well today has been boreing, i sent off my present to peter today o_O;; first time sending mail XD By myself.. go me! ^_^;

ahem yes i know i am stupid =_=
anyways
i am sitting here mindlessly bored so i decided to make a journal here and i also decided to rejoin the boards... again.
for those of you who don't know..
I am Lily.. ^^;

O_o i derno what else to say but i guess thats good for now
off to go draw >_>
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