Tuesday, January 13, 2004

erm...
okay so contrary to belief i am not dead just refrained from writing in here but i am in school and feel like i have a lot to say anyways

i feel like i've come to some terms about myself, for awhile i wanted to be with someone and always had to be with someone as in a signficant other to have someone always support me but lately i've realized even though i dont have that support doesnt mean that i cant live on and be independent
i guess in my life i have start handling things on my own and not always haveing to go to ken or something for some problem of mine, even though i do like to go to him and get his opinion on many things because he wise and is always willing to help me.

but anyways besides that
i've realized how much liars are in todays world and how i cant just trust so easily on them because they are always pointing there daggers and stabbing.

anyways on another part
contrary to ones belief
i've been trying to change a lot.. i even made a list of what i want to change.. and it will take some time because sometimes i catch myself going back to what i was before.

travis once said it was on action, but maybe the action is there but you cant always see it so easily.
when i talked to him i believed he opened his mouth to soon, so i havent talked to him sense, even though he has all this knowledge that he says he has he needs to watch where to put it because sometimes his knowledge wont be appreciated by all people..
sometimes he is wrong to begin with.

i am not a perfect person like he thinks and that i dont always know the right thing to say or do.
but i atleast try to change that and try.
and sometimes if you cant see it so much doesnt mean its not there.

ia m sorry if this entry doesnt make sense
its not suppose to i guess .. its suppose to be about me venting about some stuff y'know.

i was reading kens journal thing and he was talking about how he is free from the religious shackles and such.. well he is.
but sometimes when i am.. i feel so alone like i have nothing to depend on or think of to depend on..
i read something like that in a book called night and it seemed to interest me in some ways about how he felt about religion..
it used to be so much to me but later when you go through things you just start to think
wait.. maybe he isnt here like i thought.

right now about religion i am unsure of what i believe.
if he was there then he is doing a certain lot of shit to make me appeal to him and want him in my life by makeing me go through all these tries.

i don't really know what i am talking about because my brain patterns seem to be jumping around a lot and i am probably not even makeing any sense
so anyways
i'll shut up and i'll leave more on all of this when i collect my thoughts and brain patterns.
besides the bells gonna ring and i finished my first exam.
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