Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Meow
Well, I'm off tomorrow to go to my first post-op. I had Lasik done about a week ago, and I went from seeing worse than 20/400 to now seeing 20/20. ^^ Amazing what a lazer can do to your eyes, right? And I always heard people talking about how they're bad for you, lol. *shrugs* Just thought I'd tell you in case I hadn't already.

My friend Kitten's falling on some rough times with guys... and I wish I knew what to do for her. I've baked her chocolate pastries (yum! ^^) and taken her out to hang and all this stuff... but boys seem to bring her down reguardless. *shrugs* She'll be better with time and after she watches the video of my smacking the ones that've hurt her. ^^

Neway... Todd (lovely wolf that he is) is back from Peru, meaning my depression is gone at being so far away from the... 3rd closest person to me. Lol, it's funny. Anyway, since he's back, we've been hanging out a lot, a good bit with Kitten too. ^^ WELL! I FINALLY got to see Howl's Moving Castle, and I must say it was kick ass. ^^ Todd is a life saver. It's one of the few Miyazaki movies I've not seen. OH! I love Miyazaki films, lol. But yeah, I get to go pick him up from work tonight.
*sighs* I'm so tired, lol... I worked from 8:30am to 5pm... on 3 hours of sleep and no food.... Not until my last hour of working, that is. One of my co-workers (Christy) loves me enough to feed me, lol. She had extra food and shoved it in my face saying "Eat" lol.. cause I wasn't gonna. *shrugs* I hugged her though. She's sweet.
Well... I'm gonna go take another nap... I'm just drained... and I gotta get up early in the morning, lol. *hugs to all* Later people.

~Night
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Sunday, July 16, 2006

Back for who knows how long.... mentally only a moment....
I know it's been forever... I'm sorry. Life at home's not been too great, and pissy stepthing took my internet for the longest while. I've had a fight with my best friend, I've missed another friend's engagement party that I promisd a week ago I'd not miss because of my mother, and I'm going to miss said friend's wedding at the court house Tues.... I'm having Lasik done, and I'm worried about that. *shrugs* It's been hectic.
I've found a favorite song (for the time being), one I relate to greatly at the moment. It's Evanescence's "Breathe No More"... sad, but I relate at the moment.
I'm getting ready for college, and I did have two jobs, but I guess they just didn't need me as badly as they said at my second one. I asked when I was to work next because I was unable to pick up a schedule because I worked every day at my other job for the rest of that week. They said they'd call me... have yet to.
*shrugs* Someone I care for dearly is in Peru, Todd, and J will not talk to me anymore.... So I'm deeply depressed about that one.
Kitten and I got into a fight, and I got home at 4 am because I was nice enough to drop her off, talk to her, Darien, and Tennyo (the two who're getting married) and then say bye.... But Kitten wanted one of them to drive me home, I was upset and obviously not well. I told her I was fine, and she almost hit me... we're not on okay terms now, though she has tried to apologize. I just need time to myself. I've attempted to ignore people who call my phone for a bit. I don't know why, but I'm isolating myself for a bit. My mother has my keys for when I go to work and come back home, only because me and her fought and she thought I was in the wrong. *sighs*

I apologize for the length of this, and I am very appreciative of those of you who care.... I really am sorry.... I do hope you all have a good time. And I apologize for being gone so long.... My mother's attempting to leave my stepfather... but it's taking a while.... So... life might get better.... I just miss J and Todd and am not looking forward to surgery.... Adieu....

~Night
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Sunday, May 14, 2006

Angel of the Morning Star.... (and) ~Untitled~....
Angel of the morning star,
With a voice like Fae's dance;
Who can so sweetly call,
A wandering mind to rest.

Keep the smile on your face,
Though things may be so rough;
And play the song within your heart,
To be a beacon for the lost.

Oh sing sweet Angel sing,
Play the gentle song;
And let it live forever,
Even after you have gone.

~Play Forever, Angel.~


I have been searching for something I'd lost,
For a love long ago, that now is no more.
I long to see him, I feel I must know,
What did plague my Love, that long time ago.
They say it is better to have Loved and Lost,
But it takes too much out of my heart.
If the choice were up to me and not my heart,
I'd choose to not start again in Love.
I had been searching for something,
Something lost that I shall never find.
Yet to start anew was less difficult,
For it seems I've found someone else to love.
It terrifies me beyond belief, for I don't know what to do,
Yet in the end I must have faith that things will pull through.


There was a good thing about all of this. I was inspired more to write poetry and to paint a picture for my mother (Mother's Day gift). I might have found a way to let you all see my art work. I have a camera phone... and I can send messages and pics to my computer. So I'm thinking about taking a lot of pictures and finally uploading them onto my site... and I'm also thinking about doing a new theme... I've yet to find one I like, heh. Well... one that I like and can get to work. *shrugs* Either way, I do hope you're all well and enjoy my poetry. Adieu....

~Night~
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Tuesday, May 2, 2006

How I feel inside....
If I touch a burning candle,
I can feel no pain;
If you cut me with a knife,
It’s still the same.
And I know her heart is beating,
And I know that I am dead;
And the pain here that I feel,
Try and tell me it’s not real.
And it seems I still have a tear to shed.
If I touch a burning candle,
I can feel no pain;
In the ice or in the sun,
It’s all the same.
Yet I feel my heart is aching,
Though it does beat it’s breaking;
And the pain here that I feel,
Try and tell me it’s not real.
I know that I am dead,
Yet it still seems that I have some tears to shed….


It's the chorus lines of the song Tears To Shed from Tim Burton's Corpse Bride.

It describes... very well... how I feel right now. I lost a dear friend of mine.... I got a call Thursday night saying that he'd been killed... and I'd rather not talk about how. And to top that off, I've lost my best friend in all the world.... He was online and would not speak to me Thursday night, no matter how much I pleaded for him to respond.... I ended up getting offline and throwing my hands to the winds with it. I do not know what to do anymore....

I wouldn't allow myself to cry until late in the school day on Friday.... I broke down, but just barely. And I-... I reverted back to an old habit I swore never to do again... but I won't do it anymore... I'm too numb to try anymore. (It's not drugs or alcohol; I'm not into that.)

I'm still a bit numb, but I spent my weekend forgetting everything. *shrugs* I had nothing else to do to keep me sane. But things are better now. I got a call from my friend today... and I was a bit surprised... but it depressed me. He only wanted to call so I could know what was going on in his life... to let me know he was having to fight those suicidal tendencies once more.... I was not happy with that.

Ah well, life moves on, right? ^^ 'm composing a song, for those of you who are interested. I'm working on trying to get it finished so I might be able to do something with it.... But I must get going. I've a million things to do and so limited time, lol. Adieu and Avi'nala.

~Night
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Thursday, April 27, 2006

Sorry...
I do apologize it's been quite a while since I've been online (months, actually). I had my internet taken after hard times at home (nothing to do with internet). I am still unsure why my internet was taken, seeing as how I'd done nothing wrong.

*sighs* Life is complicated, but things are quite well. I'm... getting along well. Our school's doing Beauty and the Beast in a couple of weeks, and life is decent.

I just wanted to apologize and let you know that you could always find me on MySpace if not on here. Have fun. Avi'nala.

~Night
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Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Happy Birthday! Yay! (lol)
Well... YAY! *sighs* Sorry I haven't been around too often, but I am going to TRY to be more often (no promises).

Today just so happens to be my birthday. JOY! Lol... *shrugs* I think it's going to be a relatively happy day, other than the fact that I left my keys at home, lol. I'm gonna call my mom in a few and ask her to bring them to me. *shrugs*

WELL! Have a good day ppl. Ja.

~Night
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Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Another Holiday... joy...
Happy Valentine's Day to those of you who celebrate it. (I do not.)

I'm changing the look of my site, so if anyone knows how to change a pic to GIF and get a correct URL to it, or who have any pic ideas, please email me the URLs so I can get a new bg.
All the pics I have are either jpg format or otherwise. Thank you.

~Night
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Saturday, February 11, 2006

Long time No see....
I do apologize for not being around so often. I've been rather busy with school and such lately. When I have time off from school, I'm normally working.

Good news/Bad news: My birthday's coming up in about 1 1/2 weeks. But I don't want to celebrate it. It's pointless this year. *shrugs* Oh, and I'm happy. It's the day after RENT comes out on DVD... so I'm going to have a party with friends for RENT the weekend after.

It's good, if you haven't seen it.

Well, I hope you all are well. I need to go for now. I'll ttyl. Ja ppl. *hugs*

~Night
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Monday, January 30, 2006

Loosing my mind....
I'm no longer okay... and I'm getting out as soon as I can. I'm staying most of this upcoming week with one of my friends because I refuse to deal with my stepfather.... My mother's better, but she still won't help me, so guess what?! Now that ASSHOLE is HER f*cking PROBLEM!!!!

I'm no longer putting myself in that goddamned position of being that asshole's stress toy.... He took away my cell phone last night, gave it back this morning, with a list of "House Rules" (Correction, he made my little SISTER give them to me...) and half of them were the most stupid, BULLSH*T rules I'd EVER read... I ripped it up and finished getting ready.

I sat in my room and meditate until 12:30 am, and now I'm paranoid as f*ck... all my friends are pissed because they want me to "calm down" and I can't! if over an hour of meditating can't calm me down... then stabbing something might, but I'm not ready to be put in a straight-jacket or go to jail just yet.... Neway, I gotta go before I snap at someone again....

~Night
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Saturday, January 28, 2006

Back for a day... maybe more...
Sorry I've not been around.
Been busy with school, and I've worked all weekend (going into work in just a few minutes) and it's tiring.

I found out that I never got over what it was I had about... 5-6 weeks back? Either way, it's still here, and it's been getting gradually worse as time moves on.... I don't know what it is, but apparently, that and stress are what've made me feel tired lately. The reason I've been so worn out and like I'm going to give in? That's from emotional stress and mental fatigue caused from my best friend (mentioned in my previous posts).

Things are... at a neutral ground with m friend... but things aren't so bad... they'd threatened suicide this past week... and so I've been a bit upset over that... but they finally stopped when I told them how it made me feel like I wasn't even considered a part of their life anymore if they felt like that.... But yeah... things are now... neutral... not happy, but not bad either... *sighs* It'll all work out in the end, I know it....

Well, just letting you all know the update. Ttyl. Ja.

~Night
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