Thursday, August 25, 2005

What a wonderful life...
Well, this is supposed to be my year, and a great year at that.... Sadly? Assholes (Kitty's ex-step-brother (she doesn't even consider him that)) and his friend are spreading rumors that the friend has slept with me and such.... There's not much I can do that wouldn't get me in trouble, and my mother says to just ignore it (her golden answer for it all...). I hate people doing that, and it's not true in the slightest.... *sighs*

As for other things going on? *shrugs* Had a bit of a good night last night... got scared when my bed shook and there was nothing there.... Turns out? We had an earthquake.... Fun. Well.... Other than the fact I've been quite sick, not really caring enough to take care of myself because it doesn't matter to others (family, not saying none of you care), and just feeling lonely and emotionally void and hollow.... not much is going on. I talk to a certain friend sometimes on the phone, and whenever I talk to him, I feel hollow inside, and I don't know why.... But it's fine, I'll get over it, and I don't want to loose him as a friend. Neway, I better go. Bell's about to ring. I'll tell you more tomorrow....
Blessed be.

Night
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Wednesday, August 24, 2005

A little more info....
My parents went onto my computer, read a few files (mostly journals about how irritated they make me....), and I went to see someone they didn't approve of in SC, so for the last two months, I've not had my computer. I still don't have it.

I have a new cell phone, but that's not in my posession either. I was upset, so I was up 20 minutes after I was supposed to be.... I hate these assholes.... *shrugs* Neway.... To say the least, they've made my life a living hell for the last 2 months, and I've talked to my mother.... She's going to try to get my computer and cell phone back for me soon.... She says I HAVE to abide by the "rules"(that ONLY I am to follow) for the rest of the year.... Thank Christ I only have less than a year left in this place.... Then, I'm out. I should have my phone back sooner than my computer, so I'll give you guys the number, or you can PM me your numbers and I can call you sometime when I'm unable to get to a computer.... *shrugs*
Most of what's happened isn't good, and my mother's been complaining more about my stepfather, how she wishes he'd change, complaining when I can't, and a few times she talked about another divorce.... Less than a year, and I don't really have to put up with them....
The only ties to sanity I have left are Kitty, Solly (friend up here with Kitty), and you all.... If I can keep enough sanity until April/June... I'm free.... Blessed be.

~Night
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Tuesday, August 23, 2005

What's Been Going On...
The trip WAS only for a weekend, just to clarify.

My parents went onto my computer, read a few files, and I went to see someone they didn't approve of in SC, so for the last two months, I've not had my computer. I still don't have it.

I have a new cell phone, but that's not in my posession either. I hope you all have a good day, and I'll finish talking later. Bell rang (in school again)

Ja.

Night
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Friday, July 8, 2005

Might be some MINOR unscheduled delays ahead.....
Well, my mother's making this VERY hard for me to go on my damned trip, but ya know what? Fuck her! fuck her and the rest of my family. They've screwed me over WAY too many times to screw with this trip now.... *sighs* It's the day I leave to go and my family's throwing in lies and complications to try and make me stay here... Heh! My mother says for me to try and think about the people who are taking time out of their lives to take me.... Fuck them too! Ya know, her and my grandmother have done nothing but bitch at me, chew me out for not being someone I'm not and in short? They don't give a fuck about me! I'm not gonna give a fuck back!
*shrugs* I'm not going to let my family mess up this one trip to go see my friends who I've not seen in over a year. Nope, no way in hell. I've had this trip planned for weeks now, and they need to stop trying to get me to change my mind. I've done everything they've asked, babysat neighbor's kids (which I only find out about the night before after I get off work at 12am), I've done their meaningless chores and tasks without having to be asked, I've given up my plans time and time again to stay home and do whatever they needed me to do.... You think they'd want to give me a little slack and not make such a fuss about my going to SC, WHERE I USED TO LIVE, no less....

*sighs* My stepsister left this morning to go to Winston Salem, the beach, or where ever she's going... and they let her go, no questions asked.... No one knows where the hell she's going in truth, or they don't take the time to remember.... *sighs* I'm going to go stay with friends I grew up with since 5th and 6th grade, some longer... and they make a huge fuss.

Yeah, my family's gonna burn in their sleep while I'm gone, and I'm gonna laugh! ^^ Neway.... 'nough with that stuff... I've gotta get off here, check on a few more things and go to work with MOMMY! *mutters evil things under breath* Neway, hope you all have fun, and I'm gonna do my damnedest to make this whole fuckin' trip work. Wish me luck.... Blessed be.

~Night~
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Thursday, July 7, 2005

Yo... (Kagura's favorite saying, lol)
*sighs* WELL! Not going to SC today.... *sighs* I am going tomorrow though. Mom says no going today because they had bad storms and tornado watches... so it's all lovely, fun and games.... *shrugs*

I do have another day to work on fixing my packing skills, lol. ^^ I have a few dresses I'm gona show my friend, one being my favorite and once again gonna be my Halloween Costume this year... ^^ (Gotta good subject on that too, in a sec), a pair of jeans, sandals, tank top, sleep clothes, and all fitting into my old messenger bag that I carried around for school, but yeah....

GOING off the Hallow's Eve thing.... *biggest smile ever!* I'm gonna have a Halloween Mascarade Ball.... My mother's even gonna help me. Her words fell along the lines of....
"Screw him, I live in this house and I'm an adult too, and we're gonna have fun."
^^ I cannot wait! I've got nly a few people I'm inviting thus far... but omfg... ^^ I'll show you all my costume later, and I PLAN on getting pics and putting them on here. ^^ I'll be a model for the day, lol. ^^ *huggles to all*

I'm in a much better mood, cause I'm thinking of happy things that make me excited, lol. *sighs* Yes, I know I'm acting like a kid at x-mas... Leave me be! Lol, well... I'm off. Blessed be all.

~Night~
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Wednesday, July 6, 2005

A Normal Post, For Once....
I apologize about the last few days. Yesturday, and all of the last few days, have been journal entries in a little "project" I'm working on. It is called: "The Journal of Suffering" and it is a work in progress. It is all my horrible memories, what has happened to me over the years I've lived, how I feel in the middle of the night when I cry from desperation.... As I said, it is a work in progress. It also hold a few of my theories and prophecies about this world and about life. Most of them are common sense if you think about it and observe most of the world today, but most all of the entries in this work are heartbreaking, morbid, or other wise unpleasant. I do apologize... but I needed a vent... I've been crying myself to sleep for four nights, and for five days I've also cried.... Last night was the worse of it all.

On a happier note, Kitty's birthday was yesturday, and I was happy I got to spend the day with her and a couple of friends. SHe's a wonderful person, and she loved the gift I got her. It was a satin bag with oriental butterflies as the pattern, inside I had her a card that I thought suited her creative side, and 3 bars of chocolate. She's a big chocolate freak. She also got treated to a movie, then we went to the mall and chilled out with a group of friends. It was just what I needed, and for a long time, I wasn't crying because I was with friends, havign fun on Kitty's b-day, and I wasn't thinking about recent events.....

Sadly, recent events hit my mind once more when I was unable to talk to anyone last night and it kinda hurt.... So I stayed up until 4am (as normal now... I suffer from insomnia, have for at least a month.) and cried myself into a deep sleep.

That's all I have now... I spent the entire day yesturday working from 8:45am to 2pm, treated Kitty to a movie at 3pm when we met up, got out of the movie at 5:30 and then went to chill with friends. I hope you all are well, and I do apologize about what happened. Blessed be.

~Night~
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Monday, July 4, 2005

An Excerpt from "The Journal of Suffering"... I've been crying for nearly 3 days straight....
I’m Sorry I’m Not Perfect…

I’m not horrible… I’m not a bad person, I swear….I’m not what others want of me… I’m myself… I shouldn’t be treated like an outcast for that, right? I cry, I bleed, I have emotions and I hurt too…. I’m not horrible… I’m not evil… I’m not as bad as others think… I’m a good kid, and I’ve had to grow up too fast…. I just want people to see me as normal too…. I’m not a monster… I’m artistic, poetic, creative, thoughtful with my work… I’m not horrible… but I’m treated like an outcast… like a demon…. I’m not horrible… I promise… Please don’t treat me like I’m not human…. I bleed… I feel… I… cry like others… I want to be loved…. I’m not horrible… I’m not a bad person… I’m not hateful… not a monster… I promise… I swear I’m not horrible… I just want what was taken away from me… I just want to be loved… I don’t want to be an outcast… I’m not horrible… I’m not, I swear… Please…. I’m not horrible… I just want… just want to be loved… all I ever wanted… was for someone to want me in their life… I’m not horrible… I’m not a bad person…. I swear… I swear… I’m not horrible… I just… just want to be loved… just to be loved… I’m not horrible… just… to be… to be loved….


~~Have a happy 4th...~~

~Night~
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Sunday, July 3, 2005

More venting... Angry ranting from a young girl...
It hurts…. The fact that all that happened… my mother… she never wanted me… she calls me a bitch, tells me I’m not good enough, don’t stand up for myself enough if ever…. She now has my stepfather calling the shots and if I’m not happy with it and go to her she says she’s not the one to talk to on those matters. Bullshit. She’s the one who dragged me into this whole mess and I want none of it! You hear? None of it! I’m sick of this…. I’ve never been good enough for her! I’ve always been daddy’s perfect girl who he left in the end anyway, the bitch in mommy’s eyes…. She blames me for her divorces… she blames me for her life being so imperfect! It’s not my fault she didn’t plan on having me, that she almost got rid of me! It hurts… to know that they kept my memories from me… my past… I had to find out from my grandparents ON ACCIDENT… how much of a mistake I was….
I was told a story… of how I was younger… how I’d blow off people to be on my own, how I’ve always been that way…. How I was so odd to make my dolls fight like my family and like my mind… how I was abused as a child from not being wanted or because I was always acting so weird…. I’ve always liked dark things, always liked being on my own to sing or imagine stories with my dolls…. To think up my stories and to act them out or write them down… how I’m such a LOST CAUSE! I was told when I was younger that I grabbed my grandmother’s face and told her “Look at me!” because it’d been done to me… and I wasn’t the kind of child to do that normally…. How I was so sweet and then went corrupted…. Ha! I don’t care anymore… I just don’t…. She never loved me…. None of them did… and why I keep begging for them to love me and give me the childhood they stripped from me is far too bizarre and stupid for even myself to comprehend! I’m a fool for wanting that from them!
I… I always wanted… a boy and a girl… I always wanted the boy to protect his little sister and for them to have the childhood and loving parents I never got….. I dunno if that’ll happen now… I don’t know of anything right now….
The current time is 3:24am and I’m typing this a lot earlier than I’m going to post… up in the middle of the night with the feeling I’m going to throw up any moment, sick as a dog with that stomach flu once again and a few other illnesses…. It hurts and I’m not liking it one bit… not at all. I really do wonder what’s going to happen later on…. I feel so sick now… so sick but a little better all the same… Never quite getting my point across… never quite explaining to the right ppl or in the right way… I could care less right now…. I wanna sleep, but I can’t….
I was a mistake to my family… but I’m so glad I met the friends I have… you all here on MyO…. Life wouldn’t be worth living if it weren’t for the friends who love and shelter me as much as they can from the hellish storms my life is tossing at me…. I am caused so much pain by those around me… but more so by myself…. They hurt me, treat me like I’m nothing…. I desperately need guidance… and I want the love I was forbidden. I want a family… my family…. I want what I was denied and I long to give that to others… but nope. Too young, too naïve, too stupid to get outta my house and get away from it all…. I’m going to be fine…. I’m just so sick… in such pain…. And I want to talk to a few people… to see if I can fix anything that’s currently wrong in my life. I’m beat, and my insomnia is finally going to allow me some rest…. Blessed be….

~Night~


Living life to make sure I have a better tomorrow.... only thing keeping me alive along with those who I care for so deeply here. I could technically move out now, but... for the sake of my 8 year old sister... not gonna happen.
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Saturday, July 2, 2005

Sorry for this in advance... but I had my final push...
Through the madness of past heartaches and maddening and endless current sufferings, one tends to go insane from depression, pain, and self-hate. We all loose control from time to time, and I’ve finally lost all control. I’m calm on the outside, happy even, but late at night when no one else is around and the world is quiet and there’s only the sound of suffering and harsh silence to be found, I cry. I let my inner self show. On the inside, I am hurting always, trying to forget my past, deal with my present and make sure things are going to work to for my future. It’s hell, living in the life I do… and I know I’m selfish because so many others have such horrible lives… but still… my pain is reasonable, isn’t it? *sighs* I hoped never to have to do this again, but I must…. I am going to list things from my life that are… unpleasant, that I’m not fond of sharing, and that I must get out so I can finally and truly heal….
In all my life I was…:
~Never wanted by my biological parents
~Almost put up for adoption (which was not done because of “Christian” morals and how wrong it would have looked)
~Abused physically as a child
~Never been accepted by my family
~Always been treated like an outcast even when I was what they wanted me to be (years ago)
~Cause two divorces for my mother and ruined her chances with other men
~Abused emotionally by my mother and father
~Abused physically by guys
~Raped (once was not even three or four months ago by the co-worker I hate so much now…. and I hate to admit that one….)
~Been pushed so far by stress that I’ve fallen into darkness mentally and woke up having mutilated myself physically with sharp items…
~Been held at gun point
~Been on the receiving end of a blade
~Been abused by my little brother and almost put in the hospital because of him (his old fits of anger which he inherited from his father…)
~Had rumors spread about me for almost every reason and for every situation imaginable
~Had many members of my family who were close to me die in a close period of time
~Had a friend die in front of me
~Had a friend kill them self on my behalf (so they claimed before they committed suicide…)
~Been hurt emotionally by a guy in just about every way possible

I’m not okay, not normal by your standards when taking in all I’ve gone through (and there’s more that I do not wish to ever discuss with people)… and I don’t want pity… don’t want anything from anyone… but I do want my family to love me… I do want my family to accept me… and they won’t give me that…. And it seems like… I can’t get what I want…. I want the childhood I was denied… I want the love that was stripped from me since my birth because I wasn’t planned, because I was a mistake to them…. I can never have any of that… can’t have the love I want, and because of all my problems (mostly the ones I refuse to talk about)… I… I cannot have the long I want…. I was so upset last night, cried for hours before work… and I wrote a song… why I chose the words I did, I dunno. Depression does crazy things to people and I no longer care right now… Enjoy… I need to go….

You Didn’t Love Me…

How could I ever compare?
How could I ever have hoped?
I was so stupid as to believe…
I was worth anything to you….

You didn’t love me
You didn’t care for me
You let them hurt me and beat me down
You didn’t love me

Someone who would hold me…
Someone who would care…
Someone who would let me love them…
But you were never there….

You didn’t love me
You didn’t care for me
You let them hurt me and beat me down
You didn’t love me

Your attention and grace…
Your loving smile and embrace…
Your precious love and soothing voice…
That’s all I ever wanted!

You didn’t love me
You didn’t care for me
You let them hurt me and beat me down
You didn’t love me

To be so naïve was all you wished!
To act like you didn’t know that I hurt…
To think that I didn’t ever love you…
How stupid was that?

You didn’t love me!
You didn’t care for me!
You let them hurt me and beat me down!
You didn’t love me!

You didn’t love me…



~Night~
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Friday, July 1, 2005

Bleh...
Well, I've still got the fever I've had for... 3 days and 3 nights thus far.... My eyes look like demon eyes.... Blood-shot so there's no more white, and tehy keep changing from bright emerald to silver to bright sapphire. It's kewl to watch in a mirror.... (Chlorine in the pool yesturday... and they don't burn nemore, YAY!)

Last day off from work, and I go in tomorrow morning.... I don't work with Jerk-off, and.... *shrugs* I dunno what else for tomorrow....

I get to go to SC from Thurs. to Sun. next week. I finally get to see all my old friends. ^^ Yay! I've missed them terribly. Well... I'll try to post some when I'm down there, and... meh. Lol, well, not much to say... cleaned house, little sister's going to SC for a week (I get dropped off when she gets picked up), and... yeah. Well, ttyl. Blessed be.

~Night~

PS- J, no more comments like that. Leave ppl alone to think whatever they please, lol. True, violence begets more violence, but it's best to express one's anger in words than keep it bottled up and take it out on others. Meh! ja...
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