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myOtaku.com: Rayea Kagome chan
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Welcome to my site archives. 10 posts are listed per page.
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Wednesday, January 12, 2005
Well, Things Are Better....
Well, things with me and my mother are better... and I'm much happier for that, but as for my stepfather.... *shrugs* In my opinion, he was helping my mother to feel the way she was, but she and I talked about it, and things with work out for the better now. I'm happier for that. *sigh* I tried to apologize, and I got my head bitten off by my stepfather, and I found it funny and painful all the same. Funny because he talks to us about how we shouldn't loose our tempers in such a childish way, painful because no father figure I've had ever accpeted me, or showed it at least, and my reason for never getting close to a father figure. Never liked them, even if I tried. *shrugs* What does it matter? I'm just happy that things with my mother and I shall work out to the better now. ^_^
Sadly, I'll only be able to get online at school, because my stepfather has denied me access to his computer at home, and I'm hoping more to get my computer hooked up to internet. *hugs all* I'm better, but I have limited access online. I hope to speak to you all later. Ja ne...
And J, it's nothing to worry about, I'll be back, I promise, but I cannot get online to IM you anymore....
~Night~
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Tuesday, January 11, 2005
Bye.....
I'm going to go away for a while... I cannot take anything anymore. I've apologized to my mother, or attempted to, and I tried to talk to her more and make her understand where I'm coming from.... My stepfather went onto my MyO site and printed the post for her.... *shrugs* From her letter yesturday, I tried to come to a compromise, but the only way she's willing to is if I become someone I'm not, if I change who I am for her. I didn't mean anything I said yesturday... I didn't, but I still refuse to change who I am for my mother. She's my mother, after all, and she should love me for who I am, not tell me to change so she'll give me my privacy and respect.... She's not the same woman I knew and loved so dearly when I was a child, and I miss that woman.... As I wrote to her: She's been hiding from me... and I dunno where she is, and I want her to come back.
I've written all of this to my mother, despite the fact she won't come to me herself. I've still got to go away... I'll be back online from time to time, but not all that often.... I need time to figure things out and get my life back on track. *sigh* I'll ttyl, k? Ja ne....
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Monday, January 10, 2005
Hate, Burning fucking HATE!!!!!
My mother went through my room while I was at work. She took a few of my things, thinking I wouldn't notice any of my things missing. Then, this morning, she attempts to turn me around and take the chains off my pants. Fuck her! I'm sorry, but she and I compromised. She promised she'd come and talk to me instead of going through my fucking room as well! Goddamn her! I honestly am so mad that I do not care if she dies on Friday during surgery. I'm sick of being treated with disrespect and not being given the privacy I was promised when I moved into my goddamn room! I hate them! As I typed last night, as I said while I cried until 2 am last night, I HOPE THEY FUCKING BURN IN HELL! I do not care right now, nor will I for a LONG time until they prove they can earn my trust once more and not DO THIS SHIT TO ME!!!! My mother wonders why we grew apart after the divorce... It's because she'd invade my fucking PRIVACY every hour of the fucking day!
She'd listen in on phone calls, so I'd never be able to talk to friends when she was home, because if they had a problem they came only to me for confidentiality, My mother would go behind our backs and tell their parents! She'd read my fucking diaries and journals, saying I had no right to be depressed over the things that I was, that I was still a child and should not act so naive and stupid! I hate that fucking woman for making me grow up when I was 9, and I hate her! *sigh* I gtg... ja ne.
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Sunday, January 9, 2005
...What have I done?....
I've screwed up.... trying to bring a friend happiness, and I've screwed up.... I won't meddle and help anymore... advice is all I can offer. Do not ask. I do not wish to tell anyone anything about this!
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Fun fun fun..... Lmao!
I was able to enjoy my day for a while, then it was ruined, but things are still normal... for once, lol. I met the guy Kitty likes, Jeroen. He's very kind, very sweet, and he's perfectly her type... sadly, he's going away and I don't know why, and it seems she's unhappy about it. *sigh* Poor girl. At least he's gonna keep in touch with her, a promise made to me. ^_^ SO! Other than work, and irritating things.... today is normal.... And I'm getting my other computer up and running in my room. Things are still.... off. It's like I've been in this daze all day long, but it's still the most normal day I've had in over 2 weeks. I must go. Until the later.
~Night~
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Saturday, January 8, 2005
Hello...
Kitty spent the night, other than meeting the guy she likes, alking to a few other friends, the day has been normal... first in a long time. I shall speka to you all later then. Ja ne....
~Night~
"Be safe, be kind, and never turn your backs...."
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Friday, January 7, 2005
*sigh* I hate this.....
I'm tired and have the migrane from hell. My mother's having surgery next coming Friday. It's scaring the hell outta me. Even if she doesn't have cancer, and I pray she doesn't, she might die from the surgery anyway... because she's been really sick for the past few years, and the kind of operation it is.... *sigh*
Know what's good? A Suicide. It's an awesome drink. My friend/co-worker, Rachel (stepsister's best friend), taught me how to make them at work, and I got it right on the second try. Here's what goes in it:
Bases: Coke, Mr. Pibb, Cherry Coke, Sprite, Pink Lemonade, Orange soda, Mellow Yellow, and a little Carbonated Water to mix it all together.
It was good.... I was hyped up on sugar most of the night... until... 2am, when I crashed, lol.
Well, I'm gonna go for now, so... I'll ttyl, k? I'm doing much better.... 3rd or 4th day I've not cried... but I came dangerously close... because of someone I care about deeply....Not going into that. Gtg, exams and sleep and pain. Ja ne...
~Night~
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Thursday, January 6, 2005
Depression and Heartache does horrid things to your mind.....
I feel scared, and isolated... I'm perfectly fine so far.... I've not cried in 2 days..... I guess... as much as I need to and want to, I cannot after 44 hours straight of it..... I went through 5 panic attacks in less than an hour, and then another the next time I awoke.... from the dreams.....
~It was horrid replays of the same thing, different ways, times.... and so on. I had nightmares about 3 of my closest guy friends raping me.... I won't say anymore on that now..... I'm at school, doing nothing. I'm exempt from exams, but I'm here to hangout with my friend until she leaves tomorrow.... she's moving.....
~*sigh* My mom's no better..... I hate it and I want her to get better.... to not need surgery... and to not have cancer..... Like I can help it.... *sigh* I want to cry, but I cannot.... at least I'm exempt from exams.... but I need something to keep my mind off things.
~I must apologize to those of you I swore to that I would never hurt myself again..... In the fit of rage... I cut my arm, they look like cat scratches now, thanks to a few days' worth healing. And I carved the word: "DIE" ...into my wrist... just below, acctually. It's slower to heal. But I swore after this, I'd rather hit a wall than cut myself more. I must go for now, almost time to leave.... until later....
~Night~
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Wednesday, January 5, 2005
Back....
Back. Computer had a virus..... I'm upset, have been to the point of 5 panic attacks in less than an hour 3 nights ago, cried that entire 44 hours straight... got a total of 4 hours sleep... which was haunted with endless nightmares that I don't wanna talk about right now.... and I just.... I dunno. I'm falling apart and breaking down for the fact I haven't properly grieved in 6 years, and the fact that I found out that...... well, my mom..... They think she's got cancer..... and it's eating at me so much.... and I hate this.... well, I gtg. Ja...
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Thursday, December 30, 2004
Pain and Lack of Sleep... I'm not Happy....
I cannot sleep, and my reasoning for that is simple.... There is slight pain in my lower back, I have a migrane causing me to feel sick to my stomach, and I am followed by the sick smell of blood, for whatever reason. I can find none as of why I'd snell blood, as to the fact I've not cut myself in months, and a few other reasons are canceled out as not being possible right now.... for the sake of my not saying them. I shall try to sleep in a few more minutes, but my head is throbbing, and it's not like a normal migrane for me.... They've never gotten so bad I felt as though I was going to throw up.... Nor have they been at a certain pressure point either... like it is at my temples. I apologize for this... I'm just trying to feel better and go to sleep... and for the sake of my Guardians, I must let them know what's going on with me.... because soon, whether I'm in good health or not (let us hoppe I am), things shall decide our upcoming Fates.... mine mostly. Well, the pain is subsiding in my back, but the migrane remains. Until the morrow.....
~Night~
PS- Please read the other post... it hold more of an informational value of yesturday, unlike this one. Until the later...
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