Monday, December 20, 2004

today, and a short of yesturday. ^_^
Lol, yes... I am happy that J is back, but I cannot help but feel something is wrong with him, and I know for fact there is something wrong. Ah well. He shall let me know in his own time. *sigh* I'm tired, and I cannot shake the feeling that I've pissed off my good friend Chris. He's one of only... 2 or 3 friends I have here in NC since moving... I'm pathetic, I know. ^_^ But hey, I feel MUCH better talking online and not too much so in person... I'm antisocial, and people wonder why I have no social life. ^_^ Well, that... and not being able to get out of the house much, lol. *sigh* IT IS FUCKING COLD!!!! It's 16 degrees below freezing here, lol. I thought it was cold in SC when winter hit... NOPE! Lol, we don't get snow like this, or THIS early, at least. ^_^ It was a snow storm last night, and it's very beautiful.... Lol, it was a complete white-out last night, and I had fun. I drew smiles in the windows of everyone's car, lol. 6 people in our house, 4 cars, lol. Me and the 8 year old don't need one yet, lol. ^_^ I'll get one on my birthday, lol. NOT TELLING YOU WHEN THAT IS!!!! ^_~ Um... yeah, after 5 minutes, the smiles were GONE! Lol, it was funny. Well... it's cold, I can barely feel my hands anymore, and... I gtg and see if I can talk to Chris and figure out what his damn problem is, lol. Ja ne! ^_~ *hugs to all* OH! I'm in a MUCH better mood! Venting, and all... it helps SO much! ^_^ also... I went to go and see Blade Trinity, AWESOME movie! ^_~ Well, yeah, candy and soda... ALL night long, lol... awesome... hyperness from the cold... yeah... ^_~ Ja ne!
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Sunday, December 19, 2004

today...WOW! ^_^
WELL! J is back! ^_^ and... Blade Trinity is an AWESOME movie, lol. ^_^ Well, ttyl, k? Lol, short, I know, but.....HA! I dunno....*sigh* I'm tired, lol... Ja ne! Work sucks to! Lol....BYE!
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Saturday, December 18, 2004

Fixing the Problems.... (and srry it's long, lol)
I finally came to an understanding of myself last night. I figured... hey, I need to get over everything, and since I couldn't talk to anyone.... I wrote a few pages to myself.... I was always worried my mother or someone would find the things I right and then use it against me, confront me and make my problems worse.... I always figured they'd try to use it as something to lock me away with. I finally said this:

"Know what? Why do I bother? I do not care. The more I leave my pain in, the more I hurt... so I'm going to write to myself and say 'Screw anyone who doesn't want to care enough to help and not put me down about it.' And all my problems shall get better, and I can finally live with myself and not hate myself for things I could not help...."

I finally said this, as well: "I've been blamed for a lot of things, treated a lot of different ways for each. Why don't I just admit to everyone that I am a failure, that I do have nothing left to offer but pain and such? It might also help me, and it'll get all the thoughts from my head, and I can block out the cruel things once more..."

I did, and so I got the few things I have written. It took a good bit of my time last night, and I cried more, as I have for the past 2 weeks. I don't want to be suicidal again, and I was that way a day ago. I scared so many, and I have a lot I need to fix, I know. I am slowly healing myself... and hell. If I feel like crying, I will. I do not care whose around, and I do not care what's wrong. I will cry until I'm ready to stop. Everyone who doesn't like it, well... let's just say they can all go to hell and leave my life. I don't need people like that near me. SO! On with my creativity of the night....

"I lay here hurting. I drag more and more into my pain... and I'm so selfish for it.... I'm pissing them off and making them hate me, making them irritated and mad.... It's no wonder I feel like they're forcing themselves to tolerate me. I'm hurting Chris, and he's getting pissed off at me.... Why do I bother? He's a dear friend of mine, and I hate what I've been doing.... I drag him into my problems most.... and I hate it. I have Brad saying everything that happened in our PAST (which should stay there) was my fault. He is going around, telling it to others, and half of it is twisted truth, the other half? Lies. I don't know why I bothered.... I was told by many to just say to hell with him and leave him to rot. I decided I'd be one of the few who actually remained caring and there for him when he needed.... He's dragging me further into depression and self hate for it. So, no more. If he wants my help, he can go running to his precious Katie. He needs HER to help him, not me.... Other than that, I'm not fond of J leaving... I didn't want him to leave, but he needed the time alone... now, he and his brother are sending me messages to forget him, and all because he thinks he's caused me more pain than he has joy.... Not true, but I cannot talk anyone out of it.... Thus, most reason for my heartache and irritation."

Depression statements:
"I hate myself. It's my fault.... It's all my fucking fault! It's my fault I got dragged into an endless hell of a relationship with him (referring to Brad)! It was MY FAULT I was manipulated into doing what I didn't want to do, after saying NO! It's my goddamned fault I was scared of him and his temper! It's my fault that it continued... It's my fault he hurt me... yelled at me... It's my fault I hurt Alan because I was WEAK! It's my fault... that I went back and dealt with the abuse again... and it's my fault I got angry... that I developed an anger problem. It's my fault I got sick and would black out and lay on the floor screaming and crying in pain from stress and suppression.... It's my fault I'm a bitch who ruins everyone's life! It’s my fault I hurt him (again, Brad) and caused his heartache and getting kicked out of the Army.... It’s my fault I fell in love with Michael and RUINED his life! It’s my fault I hurt Matt (a friend)... It’s my fault Chris HATES me and that I still piss him off and hurt him.... It’s my fault I dragged Kitty (another friend) into my problems... It’s ALL MY FAULT my friends suffer in life like they do! It’s my fault that I am called a bitch and treated as such by Brad.... It’s my fault that I cause pain to those I’m near.... It’s my fault I have scars across my back from my own stupidity. It’s my fault I’m dying from my physical illnesses (sicknesses and diseases I‘ve had since I was younger, don‘t like to talk about it....).... It’s MY FAULT I’m WEAK! It’s my fault... all my fault... It’s all my fault.... It’s my fault I’m so stupid and that I continue to piss people off.... my fault I have no heart.... It’s MY FAULT! EVERYTHING! It Is All My Fault!.... my fault....”

And thus ends this depression post, and now... I go to cry because I still feel bad and I’m sick, and... I just feel like crying. ^_^ Until later then.... Ja ne...
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Friday, December 17, 2004

YO-ness! Lol....
Lol, I'm slowly getting better.... Repression and Supression are wonderful things to use when you wish to rid your mind of pain and heartache. Have you noticed it too, or is it just me, but.... I seem to have the funniest, and worse, luck with guys! Lol, ah well.... I'm beginning to feel... slightly better. I'm exempt from most all my exams, so I get to do nothing all day today until Math class, and even still, the exam is Tues. of next week, so I get a 3 day weekend. ^_^ Well, have fun. Ja ne.


"Empress of the Night" (as called),

~Rayea Elise Night~
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Thursday, December 16, 2004

today....
I shall make this short. It's an ok day, I'm tired and sick still, pushing the pain from my mind... and now I must go... Ja ne.
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Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Depression, Heartache.... all all the stuff that goes with it..... and self hate......
I still feel cold, empty, and alone... I felt so angered after I was so calm, and I honest to God lodt my cool, I'll admit. Then... I wanted to end everything, to throw away all that I might have had or that I've had happen to me so far.... and then.... then I was so upset, I broke down and was finally able to cry, when I didn't want to.... But I had my friend Chris, and Demetre on the phone.... and they helped me to not do andthing rash or drastic.... they started to make me feel better, but.... right now? I think it'd be best if I just left everything alone and heal... I'll vent in anyway I need, and I shall even block off my emotions if need be.... *sigh* It seems I have the worst time trying to find someone whose willing to be there for me and who won't leave me because of things they cannot help..... It's always the same... they open up to me, I open up to them, I find a guy whose great and he leaves.... *hits head into the nearest wall* I'm fed up with it, and I'm frustrated to hell and back... *sigh* Why can I not find someone who won't do that to me? I always promise I'll wait, that I need to and that it'll all be better when they do come back.... they never do, and I close off once more to the world.....

Wow, I'm pathtic! Lol, I should stop.... I'm gonna go envelope myself within some cookies, Anime, and possibly a few sad country love songs and sing and all or whatever, lol. *sigh* I hope everyone else is a lot better off than I... Ttyl.... Ja.


PS!!!- FORGOT TO ADD THIS!!! can't read responses until later on, or until I figure out what's up with this damn computer, but it's not letting me read them... but, I'll find a way, lol. Ja ne!
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Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Fuck Love and Life....
TO HELL WITH EVERYTHING ELSE!!!! I want to fucking cry, to bleed until I finally roll over and DIE!

I am tired of being alright... of having to deal with all of this hell I'm caught within!!!! I just got an email.... J... he is leaving, and there are great chances he will not be returning.... I DO NOT CARE ABOUT ANYTHING ANYMORE!!!!!! .....I want to cry... and I cannot find tears to come... I cannot find anything but this chilling cold that is within my heart, and the pain growing stronger until I feel as though I shall go and grab a knife and kill myself at any given moment....

....I remember the emptiness... the feeling of something missing.... He was healing that, and he was bringing me such happiness.... and now... like before many years ago... it happens again. I'm left alone to grieve because of outside forces that I wish DAMNED TO HELL!!!!!....why can I not cry?! Why can I not go and hit something and begin to block off my heart again from this numbing cold... from this unrelenting pain?! I hate this!!!!! I want it to go away!!!!! .....just... please... someone help me make it go away......please?

I don't want this again... I don't want the emptiness anymore!.....god... please make it all stop... make it all go away.... I don't want to deal with this anymore... and I feel so weak that I cannot even cry when I need to... that I am such an idiot for love, that I'd have to be subject to the same pain over and over again because I am stupid enough not to know to say TO HELL WITH IT ALL!!!! God... I don't want this... I hate this feeling... this anger and pain.... I am stupid to have fallen for someone again... STUPID!...I do not wish this.. and I wish I could die... that I could simply cry.....and I cannot.... I cannot..... I cannot so anything anymore... because I was foolish.... and I've lost what I was healing.... I don't want emotions anymore..... no more.....
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Today and last night...
Aside from being sick, having 2 fewer things to worry about, I'm well. Our chorus concert was last night, and it was amazing. The Cathedral was beautiful, and other than the horrid pressence attempting to kill several in the place, it was perfect. Tahnkfully my friend Kitty and I were there, and we placed protection aroud the place and made sure the lights wouldn't fall until we were gone much later on. *sigh* There's a huge chadeller type thing in the center, and it would have hit everyone, as big as it was.... ANYWAY! Enough about that... *sigh* I'm tired, and I've heard from my friend, and I need to go on and sleep and rest and call a few people. I do hope you are all well.

The empty feeling is still with me, and it's going away slowly. I could tell you what it is, but... Later. Ja ne.
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Sunday, December 12, 2004

Depressed.... Tired as Hell.... what more can I say...? I dunno...
Nothing really to say... other than I'm worse off sickness wise, and I dunno.... Read my post from yesturday if you didn't, and it should explain a lot, other than the fact that I'm dead tired from working until around 12am at work for the past 3 days straight... and that includes going to school... Ja.....
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Saturday, December 11, 2004

My life for the past 2 days....
I shall first recall last night at work, then this morning, and then I shall proceed in posting the email I sent off last night to a few people.... It would explain yesturday....


~At work: It started off good, my still upset over the day's events, but not so bad. My stepbrother had been an ass, and other than that, nothing out of the ordinary....
I got the worse migrane for the last 3 hours of my shift, and they didn't have any meds, so I had to live with it growing worse, and I finally had to regain my self-control after a little while because it got so bad by the end of the night that I was ready to start crying if I hadn't had the self-control I did. I went home, dead tired and sore and in pain, and I took some migrane meds, and passed out.

~This morning was fun. I went shopping with my mom, and I found a few more gifts for people, so that leaves only a few more people I have to get a gift for... and I had fun, other than the cold, because I got to leave the house and I desperately needed that.....


~Yesturday.... This is the email....(remember, it happened yesturday)....

"Reasons why I feel like dying or balling up and crying until my eyes bleed and I cease to give a damn about anything:

1) A close friend of mine... her 3 brothers were shipped to Iraq today at 2pm
2) Another friend.... Kitty, her brother's in the hospital on all these things, diagnosed with diabeties, and with something else and she's upset
3) Another friend in SC (shall remain nameless) is sick, refusing my help, for all I know dying, and I have no way of going to see them, much less talk to them, and make sure they are okay....
4) My senior year, the year I FINALLY graduate....(next year) the administrators are now saying this: The credits I had that were PERFECTLY alright and accepted, are no longer able to be used, and therefore, if I intend to pass next year, I shall have to take:
2 English classes, as well as pass this year, take 2 sciences, 2 MORE maths (instead of no more), the US History I was suppose to take, ANOTHER Latin, and another class, but I'd have too FEW electives (meaning I wouldn't graduate), and have to work my ass off to complete it, and I should have more credits then they say I do have...
5) I'm soon to be diagnosed with diabeties, and I hate needles, I hate being sick and growing worse as I have been.... and I don't want to become diabetic....but it's so highly carried in BOTH sides of my family, I'm almost guaranteed to have it! and I'm already borderline....

SO! I went to the bathroom after getting my 4-year planning things, and cried like hell, cried like hell on the bus, when I got home, and I have to go to work. I shall speak more on this later. Ja...."


Fun fun fun.... My mother's helping me with the school thing (she's going to cuss them out and bitch because they told her at the beginning of the year I'd be fine on credits and that they ALL carried over), and my firends and all? I'll worry with them when I go back to school on Monday. *sigh* I hate this.... I can't say anything about the diabeties... I'm still going to get it, and I'm going to grow worse as time goes on....

Well, I really do hate to bother you all with my problems... and other than going to go take a nap and cry for the remaining few hours I have until I go to work again tonight, I have nothing better to do but be online. I shall ttyl.... Ja.
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