Sunday, October 24, 2004

Blessed
Thine eyes of oh such a brilliant silver light,
Your smile and touch that of Heaven's might;
How I wish to embrace you until our last breaths,
For each moment not spent at your side is death.

I love your gentle skin touching mine,
How you seem to not be like the others in a perfect line;
The line that keeps them the same,
Yet thankfully you did not wish to play their game.

Your gentle caressing voice smooth and deep,
How you joke around and instead of running you leap;
My dearest keeper of the stars above,
How did you know to send me this one I'd love?

I do wish to keep you in my arms until the end of time,
Until all poets and songs ran out of perfect rhyme;
I'd hold you through Hell and fire if I could,
Only if allowing of God I would.

I'd never want you hurt or in pain all my life,
For you to be so is like being stabbed with a knife;
Your loving soul the match to my own,
How cruel Fate was to let us go through Hell alone.

I love you and even through all we have been,
I've never stopped thinking of you as more than a friend;
I want so badly to be near you right now,
But sadly cannot and oh, but how?

I shall think of you always until the light of day shines black,
Even if love is what all other hearts lack;
I shall never turn from you my dearest,
For now you and I must both be blessed.

~Rayea Night~

~~~~A poem I wrote a few months ago, and I decided it was time for a change from the depressed poems. I must go, and tomorrow, I shall type the dream/memory, alright? Ja.~~~~
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Saturday, October 23, 2004

Endless Fantasy
Dreaming whispers, dancing winds
All these things are held within
Darkened sight, morning light
All these things are in the night

You may not see them
You may not hear
But I can always
Ever so clear

Listen closely
To the Night
Listen closely
To the Light

Softened whispers, glowing light
All are held with you might
Imperfect lives, broken worlds
All these things slowly unfurl

Magic colored in endless mastery
Dreams unfold in endless fantasy
Sighing breaths upon heavy sight
All these things are in the night...

~Rayea Night~



~~~~I do hope you enjoyed that one. It's one of my few... less depressing pieces. I am slowly getting better, and no doubt many of you know what Brosenka has asked on his site. I need time to heal before I answer that, and sadly... few ppl seem to understand, and mostly him. It hurts, to have gone so long being closed off.... 6 years, to be exact, and that wasn't even 7 years ago... I was distant, but still there when needed. Now, for the past year or two... I opened my heart time and time again, to have it walked all over.... To have myself abused by men.... Mostly Chris, for hitting me, Matt for trying to control me... and... others, who tried to get me to choose... when it was difficult, and hurt to do so. I never wanted to be in this human world, never wanted to be alive once more. Tomorrow... I shall share a dream... a memory, if you will. It's too hard to comprehend unless you know me, so unless you know my in the flesh, it's a dream, alright? It's one of my most painful things to relive... one of the most guarded secrets to my heart. I want to let it be known... and I shall let it be known. It's part of my healing. I need this. I need to vent and let things out. Ja.~~~~
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Friday, October 22, 2004

What I Really Meant To Say
It took me by surprise
When I saw you standing there
Close enough to touch
Breathing the same air
You asked me how I'd been
I guess thats when I smiled and said just fine
Oh, but baby I was dying

What I really meant to say
Is I'm dying here inside
And I miss you more each day
There's not a night I haven t cried
And baby here's the truth
I'm still in love with you, yeah
That's what I really meant to say

And as you walked away
The echo of my words
Cut just like a knife
Cut so deep it hurt
I held back the tears
Held on to my pride and watched you go
I wonder if you ll ever know

What I really meant to say
Is I'm dying here inside
And I miss you more each day
There's not a night I haven't cried
And baby here's the truth
I'm still in love with you

What I really meant to say
Is I'm really not that strong
No matter how I try
I'm still holding on
And here's the honest truth
I'm still in love with you, yeah
That's what I really meant to say

That's what I really meant to say

That's what I really meant to say

~Cyndi Thompson~

~~~~I'm going to post a song or a poem of mine on here every day. As to certain posts yesturday...

It makes me feel good to be alone now... relationship wise. And here... I had no more than two friends. Honestly... Annie, I know I don't seem the type... but my being left alone here is a good thing emotionally. I can't get too attatched to anyone, and... it's been brought to my attention that a few certain ppl back in SC don't want my love anymore. You and Jeana could guess who. And... It feels good to have time to myself to relax, work, go out on my own to the mall and hangout with my mom. I missed spending time with her. Now, I have a slightly better chance at that than I did back in SC.... I missed it from when I was a little child.

I hope you all are doing well. I need to go get ready for work and I need to unwind from things of today... at least I have all my tests I need to graduate. NC has this Computer Performance Skills Test... SC doesn't have it. I took that, and 2 others. Well, neway...I have a scanner now. Well, I might try to put up some pics later on tomorrow, if I find out the software... and if we have it, lol. So, Ttyl... Ja.~~~~
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Thursday, October 21, 2004

It Only Hurts When I Breathe
Hope life's been good to you
since you've been gone
I'm doin' fine now--I've finally moved on
It's not so bad--I'm not that sad

I'm not surprised just how well I survived
I'm over the worst, and I feel so alive
I can't complain--I'm free again

Chorus:
And it only hurts when I'm breathing
My heart only breaks when it's beating
My dreams only die when I'm dreaming
So, I hold my breath--to forget

Don't think I'm lyin' 'round cryin' at night
There's no need to worry, I'm really all right
I've never looked back--as a matter of fact

Repeat Chorus

It only hurts when I breathe

Mmm, no, I've never looked back--
as a matter fact

Repeat Chorus

Hurts when I'm breathing
Breaks when it's beating
Die when I'm dreaming
It only hurts when I breathe


~~~~I finally broke off all relatioships here... I'm alone now... and I intend to stay that way for a while~~
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Wednesday, October 20, 2004

Shattered Mirror Broken Glass
Shattered Mirror, Broken Glass;
The world is fading oh so fast,
When did the Light of Day turn black;
When was I so foolish as to turn my back?

Turned to those who would betray me dear,
The ones who I should have always feared;
The ones who did this to me before;
And the one who made this time hurt much more.

I was a fool and I was weak,
The End and all things seem so bleak;
Walking through the Dead of Night,
Hunted by my lover's fright.

How did I let him hurt;
How was I a stupid jerk?
Now I'm trying so hard to bleed,
Not dying yet falling to my knees.

Shattered Mirror, Broken Glass,
When did I look at you last;
My Heart made me think it'd turned black,
And I was foolish enough to turn my back...
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Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Death.... a secret death.......
I have a secret... and I told it to Demetre and Brosenka.... We are getting things worked out... but.... I'm afraid... Afraid I told them something I shouldn't have. Something about what's gotten me the most upset lately.... I'm sorry... I shall calm down... I haven't done anything horrid but put my guards back in place and cry..... I am sorry for the trouble I've caused.....Ja.
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Monday, October 18, 2004

A Broken Heart and Mind....
BrosenkaSSJ4 [4:37 PM]: but you still trust me with your heart...?
BrosenkaSSJ4 [4:37 PM]: why?
Drayea222 [4:38 PM]: I told you as I did to Michael.... I care deeply... as much as I did before about you both... it won't ever change..... it can't.... once engraved in my heart, forever engraved in my soul....

A bit of a convo I had with Brosenka..... I do mean it, forever engraved into my soul if only once engraved within my heart....Here's a few things I wish for some to know.... for one in particualr.... He knows who he is....

Drayea222 [4:53 PM]: I want them to eat MY soul.... let Michael rip my still-beating heart from my cold and hollow chest! let Heather and Brandon feast upon my blood, and may they all seek the comfort they need in the end.... I no longer know what to do.....no longer know what to say........what can I do when I'm so lost as this? so shattered and willing to throw myself at their mercy and tell them, BEG of them to kill me and hurt me until they see fit to stop?!

I am broken.... shattered.... I didn't write the email that pissed him off, nor would I have allowed it to be sent. I apologize from the depths, the darkest, blackest depths of my cold, shattered and broken heart, I am truly truly sorry Demetre.
Vil has officially fucked me over. And I no longer can supress my emotions... or anything. Vil has made it to where I can no longer be closed from anyone, and she has truly fucked over life with Demetre. I apologize SO greatly to you.... I no longer can be hurt... I am broken... I no longer know when I will update, nor do I know if it will be more than a few broken words or phrases.... I'm sorry I bring pain to the ones I care for the most... the ones I put my heart on the line to get back and stay as merely friends if they wish to be nothing more, or the ones I truly want to love once more like I did.

As said before... And Demetre, take this to heart.... Once engraved in my heart, always and forever engraved into my soul.

Ja.
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Sunday, October 17, 2004

dance tired....work next, lol...
*sigh* I'm so tired. I wanted to scream last night. I was so tired... and I woke up today sore as hell. Meh, I'm just pushing my limits... heh, and Demetre and Brosenka know what happens if I do that too much, lol. Neway... how are you all? I am tired... will have pics of me from homecoming soon so you all can see them, lol. I hope they look good. I kinda wasn't sure... and hardly got to see what I looked like, lol.... Well, ppl complimented me, so.. that's good, no? Lol, well, I'm really tired and hungry, and I really want food because I didn't exactly eat much yesturday. ^_^ Ja! ^_~
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Saturday, October 16, 2004

omg... work work work....work! Lol....MEH! *falls asleep on floor*
Lol, well... ppl in my family are sick, so are the people at work. Lol, and everything's coming up. KNowing me, I won't get sick. I don't catch it easily, BUT! I would probably get something after it's passed them. Lol, it's Flu season. *sigh* Poor ppl. At least my step-sister got sick on a weekend. She can afford to miss a little work, but she won't marr her attendance record. Lol. I get to work ALL weekend! Lol, I have to cover for my friend Jamey today, BUT! He afford to work Thurs. for me, so I get a WEEK off work! ^_^ I worked... let's see... Thurs., Fri., today... tomorrow... and I'm OFF! YES! Lol.... Oh, NEVER volunteer for doing extra things for your job... Unless you're the "suck-up" type and LOVE hard work. I volunteered to stay late... it was almost 1am before I left.... And my GOD! My back screams: "YOU DUMBASS!" lol... *sigh* I had to help clean BEFORE everyone left... but I had to FINISH what they left behind for me after they left. It was funny. Lol... I didn't know what they had done, and what they didn't do... SO! Lol, I'm NO longer asking to stay after, lol. It was a bitch on my back. BUT! I liked staying late... although, I was bored as fuck and left my book at home. Lol, it's ok though. I had fun doing nothing, lol. DONUTS!!! Lol, my mom and step-sister brought home donuts for breakfast! Lol... joy joy! ^_^ They are cute because they have ghost, pumpkin, and bat sprinkles, lol. Awesome time of the year, lol. ^_^ I'm happy... lol...oh, crap, just remembered. ^_^ I get to come STRAIGHT home, hop in the shower, put on my dress and fix my hair... Lol, and I go straight to the dance after work, lol. Joy joy to me... *sigh* I'm gonna hate going to school Monday. Oh, hell... I work until close Sun. I'm gonna REALLY hate it... AH! Why do I volunteer to cover for people without thinking it through? *sigh* Ah well, it'd be worth it once my pay check comes out, lol. More money for my car, and I get a NICE long break after this weekend anyway, lol. It'll be fun... SO! um... I think I've rotted your brains enough with this rambling of mine, lol.... I'll most likely put the memory/dream-thing up tomorrow... when I have more time. Now, I gtg get ready for work, lol. ^_^ JA! ^_~ OH! and surprisingly, I'm HYPER!!!! ^_^ ja... Lol...
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Friday, October 15, 2004

mwahahahahahaahaha
I have had it with ppl and their smart attitudes today, but.. I sadly much work AGAIN today. *sigh* Lol.... NEWAY! Lol, SO! How are you all today? Lol...I MIGHT post my memories....and/or "dream" tomorrow... Maybe... Lol, neway. I want no criticism over these either. I have my own views... but while my fear of opening my heart is still here, I don't let it rule me, lol. Neway!

I got GREAT reactions from ppl at school. They LOVED my outfit, lol. Leather pants are surprisingly comfortable and keep heat well... but are cold lol. Neway, I LOVED the way my friend helped me with the make-up... but I painted the design on my face.. and the art teacher at school liked it, lol. WELL! gtg... JA! ^_~
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