Thursday, October 14, 2004

MEH! lol, yeah, that's right, MEH! watcha gonna do about it? MWAHAHAHAHA!
I do not understand the lack of comments from yesturday.... Did I honestly upset someone or did everyone just not have time? ...I shall leave off my memory I was going to say. I'm sorry about my post yesturday... It's merely something I had to get out... I've not even told my family... they knew I was sick... but... nvm. No longer of relevence to anything. I have my costume for Halloween almost. I even have my ideas for Villains and Heroes day, lol.

I'm going in either leather pants or a black skirt, black tank top or red shirt, black boots, red lipstick with black gloss on top, this awesome design I drew to paint beside my eyes, red hair coloring, black make-up to make it look like I'm wearing a mask... it shall be amazing. ^_^

Srry, lol. I'm going as Lady Death, lol. I hope you all are well. Ja....
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Wednesday, October 13, 2004

A time in my past I must let be known now...
I wish to share a couple of memories with you all. One today, one tomorrow.... The first one... is of my life now... of how... I died when I was 9.... I hate the memories... but it's somethign that was brought up long ago.... The next... I'll explain to you when the time comes tomorrow... or the day after, if I don't have time before i go to work.


I was very sick... and this is shortly after Eric, my greatest friend, moved away.... I was broken in spirit and emotions.... I got very sick.... and.... I came close to dying when I had my heart closed off. In fact... I did die....I got a glimpse of TRUE Hell, Heaven, and Purgatory.... it's why I keeps to myself mostly... and why... it's why I don't let my emotions show... if possible. I experienced what no other living human can.... it tore my soul almost apart....it litterally shredded my heart in a few places... and that's why I'm so scared of dying and closing off to the world... why I am so frightened by love.... if I got her heart broken again....

I juast poured most of my deepest fears and secrets.... It's something I've never told anyone. Ja...
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Tuesday, October 12, 2004

   A two-way split... and hell to pay for it....
I am numb... and I am broken.... I decided... I shall vent my emotions on here, that way... I do not have to have anyone worry about if I'm going to kill myself or not. I won't...

I wish I knew my emotions right now... I am numb and broken beyond my knowledge of repairing anytime soon. I hurt in more ways than I thought possible.... I see red and black, and went I do, my eyes take on that color trait. I have cried endlessly for hours, and I no longer feel my emotions.... My mind locked them from me so I wouldn't hurt anymore, so I wouldn't be put through anymore. I am sorry. I know I have hurt many of you... Brosenka and Demetre most. Even Shadow.... I am so numb... i do not even feel myself type, but I sit here... watching myself as it happens. I feel nothing right now... I've cried so much... hurt for so long, and still do now. I don't know what to do. I'm at a loss. I made a choice, and I don't know if he even wants me now. He sounded as if he thought it would be best if he just... didn't get involved anymore. I care ever so deeply for them both, put my heart on the line... now... I have nothing for it. I have friends, family, a life... but I'm numb... and I have nothing but to hope to all Gods that he still wants to give me another shot. If not... fuck it. I won't bother with relationships anymore. I won't go through another heartache like I've gone through 6 years ago... and even one year ago. I've lost too many close to my heart lately, in the physical, emotionally, and in a sense, I've lost my own family. If they knew I wasn't the same religion as them... if they understood that I wasn't what they thought... I'd be disowned quickly. I've lost so much... and I still put my heart on the line and go through with everything as if I'm fine. At least... I've tried so hard to. I need to go now... I'm so sorry for this trouble I've started. Ja....
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Monday, October 11, 2004

ok.....ABOUT The Havoc...lol
I apologize for yesturday... I didn't mean it... but I was highly upset. I now know what I feel... what I lost, and what I need to do to correct it. I blocked off my emotions so I wouldn't go suicidal... I promised too many people I wouldn't... and I wasn't goign to break down or anything. I blocked off everything. I talked things over and I'm going to work things out with them. Hell, I might not even choose anyone after today. Yet, yesturday... it brought a lot to my mind, and made me think on a lot of things. I'm sorry. Holding my emotions in and suppressing things tends to set me off in a bad tone.... mostly things highly emotional. I don't care anymore. I'm better. ^_^ I hope you all are well. Things get sorted out today. Lol, well... I'm sorry. My eyes are opened now, and I hope to see things in a better light now. I'm sorry for my actions... and reactions yesturday. Emotions aren't something I'm too good with.. unless they aren't mine... Ja. Gotta run.
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Sunday, October 10, 2004

What did I do wrong....
Fuck my last damn post... I've had my choice made for me... and I don't want that one... in fact, I don't think I can make a choice... I refuse the one that was made for me... so I guess that there's only one more choice... The one where I shoot myself to make everyone happy has been blown to fucking hell... I'm so sorry for all I've done I'm so FUCKING SORRY!!!! I just... I.... Why? Why do I do the things I swore I'd never do...? Why? I promised I wouldn't hurt him.. that I've known him too long, cared for him too much.... Why the fuck don't I just die?.... I can't.... I can't ask forgiveness... I don't deserve it... I can't cry... I can't even... I can hardly move as is... why did I do that?

"Lord catch me as I fall, save me and protect me within your grace. Let my pain be washed away and let my eyes finally dry. It hurts to breathe, it hurts to move, it hurts to cry, and I'm dying in your arms, Lord. Take me home, let me be. Peace and loneliness is all I'd ever ask for... Please, Lord, take me home, catch me as I die in your arms, and let my eyes be dry..."
"I've stopped crying, and I've put back on my mask, just to hide away my pain again..."

Please... let me be free... I realize the mistake I've made... I realize that I was denying myself the only thing I needed to make me happy... and now... I can't even express my pain... I cannot cry... and he probably hates me.... What have I done...? What...?
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   My life ends today....but not in the sense you think....
I'm scared right now... I'm really scared.... I've not ever wanted to hide and cry so much before.... I have the option today of hurting one of two people I care about most... I cannot stand to do this... But I have to... I must... I don't know what to do... I'm so lost.... I am hurting and I don't know how to stop it... They talk it out, and I have no say so... It won't be my choice. Excerts from an IM I had earlier....

"I am...I'm afraid of losing someone I care about... of losing a part of my heart....it's going to happen one way or another...won't it?.....I used to be scared of death, then I experienced it... in the physical form, and many times in the spiritual and mental... I'm no longer afraid... but to close off your heart to reopen it to almost certain pain... I'm scared...." "That's what I'm afraid of... I'll still have the one I lose as a friend... but I'll know how they feel, I'll be tormented by the guilt, by the fact that I hurt them... purposefully or no... I just... I've not opened my heart in a long time.... and I think that's where I messed up when being with him... I should've opened up more, been more myself and told him when I felt like we shouldn't do something.... I should've been stronger in my decisions... Now... I'm going to pay for it..."
"That's what he said... and he hurts as much as the other is right now... he hates it for me as well.... how do I choose between a best friend I love so dearly... and another who I've not known as long... but who I match up with almost as perfectly as my friend? Both I would gladly give my life for....."
"I am not worried... I am worried about the fate of my already torn and shattered, but poorly mended heart! I am so worn and tired of emotions... mostly with the loss of who to choose... the other, or him... that's why I've been so numb and sick.. and hurting... it's mostly from what I've done to my body... I will open my heart to the one I'm with... but I hurt so much... I push myself so far and almost kill myself several times a week to not be weak and break...."
" I know...and I do... but at other times... I need to take my mind off of it so I won't cry in front of people... I won't let anyone be burdened with my pain.... I once was stupid and locked myself in the bathroom, and I sat there, punching myself almost as hard as I could in the arm.... I refused to cry, and I had a bruise for a couple of weeks.... thank god no one could see it..."

I was able to keep things hidden.. inside for so long, now... hell happens upon my life with a vengence... I must go.. if you wish to know more, email me or send me a PM... Ja....and, please be wishing me luck... if you want....
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Saturday, October 9, 2004

   Lol, torturing the Manager!!!! and..um... more to that thought, lol... ^_^
LMAO! I'm glad I got such a lively response, lol. Well, here's the thing... I forgot to mention a few other things involved to make it a HIGHLY difficult choice, lol...Oh, and did neone notice that Brosenka did something like that yesturday on his site?

Ok, you love them both equally, your heart is torn on the matter, therefor of no use in this, you can imagine yourself with them both, but yet you also can't. It's like... because you love them both, you can't decide whether you can spend your life wit hthem, or not... yet, they both are what you think about, day in and day out. It's an endless hell of emotions forming within you to just say "Screw it" and not love anyone for a while... but that will hurt them both and not work for anyone. Either way... someone will get hurt, or you could just go off the deep end and die. ^_^ (not happy, I know.. but it's the truth...)

NEWAY! Omfg, I HATE the smell of blood now... Lol, er... don't ask. ^_^ SO! how is everyone today? Lol, sorry about the hysterics of yesturday... Whatever.... More on the doctor thing. My mother's stalling in taking me. She's going to see if I can get better on my own and so she WON'T HAVE to take me... Bitch. OK! Lol.. pretty much, I threw my back out at work... AGAIN! Heh, it was a fun night, though... Stole Alan's (the manager who worked me like a dog Mon.) keys, and we played Hide-and-seek, treasure hunt, style for him to find it! Lol, then there was playing Monkey in the middle with his Lighter, and pen... Lol, then there was ANOTHER freezey competition, lol. Neway... other than that... Meh! ^_^ So...I gtg... might put up another post later, and if not... ^_^ Ja! ^_~
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Friday, October 8, 2004

   MEH! MWAHAHAHAHA!
Shadow, did you get the other pic of me? J/W....

Neway, I am sick... and tired of blood... for personal reasons... NEWAY!!!!

Um... Lol, thnx to you all... My back isn't better, and if nething... worse. I'm trying to get my mom to take me to the doctor, orders of friends.... but it seems a waste of time with her.... *sigh* neway... I'm TRYING AT LEAST! Happy Brosenka, and Demetre? ^_^ I do good when I wanna, lol....

*sigh* Sadly, I go to work tonight... and I feel like hell... Ah well, I don't need to complain. ^_^ SO! How about.. when I get the Hallow's Eve thing, I take a pic, and send it to you all.. or attempt to put it on MyO? ^_^ Lol, well, gotta run... OH! But before I do, I'll leave you with one random thought of the day! Lol.


"I've been pondering this a while... What would you do if you you loved two... You have known them for a long while, and didn't ever want to hurt either of them? You are scared to let your emotions back out, and you no longer wish to be hurt. It's too painful, and you don't wish to choose. Selfish as it may be, you don't want to be hurt, and you merely don't want to hurt them either. I just wondered... I need an answer... I'm lost on this subject, and it's the only one I am lost on... You love them both, don't want to hurt anymore, and don't want to choose and hurt them..."

Let me know your opinions. Ja! ^_~
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Thursday, October 7, 2004

eh...lol
Shadow, it'd be a fun thing if you moved. ^_^ Well, I am better... found the most AMAZING Hallow's Eve costume at Hot Topic, but it's over $150. Lol, it'd be worth it, and I can get it by Hallow's Eve neway, lol.

It's a black velvet, Rennasaince dress, and cape. They have these thigh-high boots with a zipper up the side, and laced up the front. Blood make-up like the movie make-up artists. AND! Dental fit fangs, lol...

I have the new pics of me and my baby brother... Well, gtg... And my backs torn open again... so... gonna talk to my mom about seeing the doctor, not that she'll care... Ja.
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Tuesday, October 5, 2004

Ok...srry...
*sigh* Sorry...I attempted to change my site, and things fucked up badly... *sigh* Thankfully!!!! Brosenka helped me to fix it, and for that, I'm greatful...Lol, kinda.... I'm not in a good mood... mostly because I feel sick and I want to go lay in a ditch and die somewhere. *sigh* My now...friend, Chris, still likes me, and I really am not into fighting him or the assholes in my classes.... I found, that if I leave them alone, and they see I'm sick and don't feel well, they leave me alone! ^_^ Joy joy... neway, yeah... srry... Um, for those who wish to know how my weekend was, go to the last post, and check that....NEWAY! I am perfectly fine... other than the tendancies to threaten suicide, and that's slowly going... I had the urge to tell my boss to fuck off yeasturday. I threw out my back and cleaned the damned theater several fucking times, and his sorry ass was worried about me leaving him, and Tracey, my co-worker, with all the fucking work!!!! They were sitting on their asses in box office, or in his damned office! I was standing, going and cleaning the fucking theaters, working consession on my OWN, and I asked him for help a time or two, adn his ass just stood there watching me!!!! I was pissed.... I was SO pissed... at least Robert (the other manager) was nice to me. I got my food RIGHT after Alan, the gay manager from hell, gave it to me and told me to eat. I sit down, and am ready to eat, and he tells me to go do a walk-through....Robert tries to get him to let me eat first, and he apologizes, but I'd already put my food down and go to check the theaters... I go, check them as quivkly as I can, and I almost fall over from this sudden pain in my stomach. It was like someone had stabbed me. I take a few deep breaths, and it wouldn't leave, I just hid it for the night. THEN! I had to clean consessions, do inventory, and Tracey is ordered to go and bag popcorn, which she fucking makes me help with... I hate those damned ppl!!!! I was so tird by the end of the night, and I was dizzy and a bit uneasy from the cleaners... *sigh* I went, got ready for bed, and I had to peel the skin on my feet... My calouses were so fucking bad, lol... Disgusting, I know.. but that's how bad and how much I had been walking in my boots, lol. Neway...gtg...my back is killing me... and I need to go eat... if I can force it with the throwing up feeling... Ja...
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