Sunday, October 3, 2004

Well, this is my weekend...
Well, it started off as a good thing... My baby brother was exactly one week old when I went to visit him. He was so cute, and I have a pic of me with him, if any of you wish to see it. Well, Fri. was a good day... I had fun and even got to talk to one of the friends I was going to get to see. I payed some of my favorite on my father's computer, and even helped with baby Nathaniel.

Saturday was a bit more... I dunno how to put it in words at the moment. Well, woke up at about 6am, after Nathaniel had been crying for a while, and I'm a very heavy sleeper, so I just rolled back over for like... another hor or so. I finally got up at around 9:15am, and I was supposed to be ready and out the door to meet up with my friend by like... 10am. Lol, well, it was alright. I let my stepmom go get ready, since the baby wasn't letting her. I finished packing my stuff and all, and I heard Nathaniel crying downstairs. To allow my stepmom to get ready, I went down, saw he had the hick-ups, and it had woken him up. ^_^ I picked him up, set him on my shoulder, then craddled him in my arms until he calmed down, and in less than a minute or two, he had gotten rid of his hick-ups, calmed down, and was alseep in my arms, lol. I got to lay him down when my stepmom came, and we ate, got him situated in the car, and were at my friend's house by 11am. I called to tell him too, so he wasn't mad, lol.
Got there, and let them look at Nathaniel, talking about how cute he was and jumping around, which isn't like me... but my baby brother makes me very happy. We went inside, got hugs from the two friends that were there, and we hungout while Demetre played his guitar and all. ^_^ We had a great time catching up and all... Lol, brosenka and Demetre kept plotting against me while I wasn't around, apparently, because they talked about this huge fight they had planned, and these funny jokes at my expence of things they could have fun with, lol. I didn't mind... and then... well, Demetre had to go, and I won't go into detail about that. SO!
After he left, me and Brosenka watied for my friend Heather to get done with her work interview, and called. That is, after we watched the NEW Inuyasha movie! ^_^ I loved it! ^_^ Well, Heather and Brandon (her bf, and my "big brother" (one of them)) came over, and we all hungout, caught up, and I kept hugging heather and we had fun, just joking around and everything. They left and we all got pictures taken and such, and we saw them off. Heather and Brandon had reservations to go out to eat, lol. Well, after that was over, I had to deal with Brosenka's family being assholes... I didn't enjoy it at all, and it brought my whole mood down from the relatively great day... I got my things together, said goodbye, was seen to the car by Brosenka, got a hug, he opened mine and my stepmom's car doors, and we left. I got back, changed, and got my pic taken with Nathaniel, which I could try to put up here, and if not, I'll just email it to everyone, lol. Well, it was a LONG and tiring drive back to NC... Me and my father stopped off to get Chick-Fil-A, which is SO good! Lol... and so... after that, I got home, had to deal with my mother, smiling "all-knowingly" at me, but it wasn't nething bad... I got online, tried to fix a few things, I'm not sure if I did or not, but I will today.. and... now I have to go to work in a few... SO! I shall ttyl... Hope everyone else had a great weekend. Ja matte ne.
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Friday, October 1, 2004

happy day...finally!
Lol, I'm much happier! Things worked out the way I wished them to! ^_^ I'm so happy! Lol, I get to see my baby brother, Nathaniel, and I get to visit a few old friends I've greatly missed.... ^_^ I hope all are well, and I apologize about my post yesturday.... I am still unhappy about the guys in a few of my classes. Well, I must go, time for me to leave! ^_^ Ja! ^_~
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Thursday, September 30, 2004

   I'm so sorry... Please forgive me.....Please....?
I feel as though the world's out for my blood right now. I want to cry.. have someone hold me... and I cannot. I just... I have no one left for me now.... Demetre is angered, I found, and it's because of things he's been told.

Brosenka....whatever you told him, FIX IT! I want NONE of your excuses this time! I know you told him we were together or something along those sorts... I could feel it, and I have known before I was told by others! Fix the damage you have done, or I refuse to come down this weekend and spend time with you, Heather, Brandon and others at Mellee as planned!!!!

I apologize.... For those that do not understand... there is no need for you to.

I feel like I've been stabBed">arc">.co">arc">ear">.co">arc">ef=">ear">.co">arc">="_">ef=">ear">.co">arc"><">="_">ef=">ear">.co">arc">no ">do,">hav">to ">.. ">nd ">s s in the back as well as abused emotionally and physically... Chris saw to the physically... as well as a few recent ones....and I shall not speak of it right now... I am tired and weak... I feel like death is pushing closer and closer... trying to revert me back to my suicidal days.... It's taking all I have not to break down and cry my tears... I know that if I do, I'll go back to those days... and despite the ones that no longer seem to care, I hold my promise to them to protect them, and to not go back to those times.... I refuse... I'm trying so hard not to.... and it's hurting me.... I'm so sorry to all of you... I'm sorry for anything I've ever done to wrong you or to upset you... I shall let my tears out when I get offline, and I apologize and hope I have your forgiveness... however, I don't deserve respect or kindness... as several have shown me recently. I'm so sorry to you all, Brosenka, Demetre... Kaoru, Julian, DemonMessiah.... everyone...... I'm so sorry... I should be shot and put in the ground... but I promised many of you I wouldn't kill myself... or be killed unreasonable... to the best of my abilities... So... I shall talk to you all later, cry my tears... and just... go lay down or something.... My mom's better... Ja....
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Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Problems right and left... I should REALLY get happier...
I feel weak, and I feel stupid and I feel used.... As a part in one of Ani's songs goes... I don't know if everything I tell you is all that causes my depression... but it's a lot of it.... *sigh*

My mother is highly sick. She needs surgery, and she revealed to me last night she didn't really want it, she was scared. Yet, she needs it. I hate this... I've always looked after her, and I just... I can't help but feel protective of her. Her sickness is from a hormonal iMBA">arc">.co">arc">ear">.co">arc">ef=">ear">.co">arc">="_">ef=">ear">.co">arc"><">="_">ef=">ear">.co">arc">did"> it"> AN">, a"> he">aid">ce lance, and she's got these migranes that will throw her off balance and make her incapable of doing anything. My stepfather said it was merely a headache, and that it wouldn't hurt/kill her.
I took care of my mother more than his sorry ass did, and so I know how bad she hurts with them, their severity, AND what it can do to her. I hate it... the man doesn't get it, then I hear his conversations on the phone... I bet he didn't do a damned thing to help my mother but tell her to get back in fee">ave">ens">d g"> wo">My ">at ">hat when she got up. He was supposed to take her to the emergency room, from what he said, and I asked him if she was. His response was that I needed to not worry about it, and that he didn't know. My mother would be just fine.
I know better...so I've been worried about her all day...

Brosenka and I have finished getting things straightened back out. There was a lot of tension left from our break up a few months ago, and things have been said, apologizes made... things are better.

I feel numb... and like lead... I don't get it.... Heh, my new pendant, a blood red crystal on a leather cord(made myself) is possibly cursed. I wear it, and it makes it seem as if I can't breathe and I just... I take off my necklace, and it's as if I can't move... Lol, lose-lose situation. I don't care....

Got to the point to where I stabxt/">p?q">arg">k" ">p:/">rac">xt/"> gr my nails into my hand... gonna have a scar, hopefully.... Bit into this kids arm on the bus. He'd hit my head, and I have a migrane since before... so I grabl, ">llo">my ">a s"> to">I d">ll,">ime his arm, and forced myself to let go JUST before I broke the skin with my fangs(I have excessively sharp canines)... Neway...

I'm sorry for my angered temper yesturday.. I wasn't well, and not being myself... I have a limited time to be online... No longer allowed on in the mornings. Well, let me know if ya wanna see my new baby brother... who, I do believe is about... 2 or 3 days old today. ^_^ I'll try to have them on my site tomorrow..... Omg, I suddenly have a sick feeling in my stomach... Anxiety and all's a knot in my chest... Neway.. I might need food... Lol, no chocolate allowed from my stepdad... unless it's his and my mom's...Well, gtg...FOOD! lol... Ja all...and srry about being... oh, what was it considered for some ppl? A "selfish bitch" yesturday. Ja...
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Tuesday, September 28, 2004

great days...
WONDERFUL fucking IM going on....I found out JUST how much of a prick men can be!!! Here ya all go, enjoy! ^_^

BrosenkaSSJ4 [4:42 PM]: hey hun

Drayea222 [4:42 PM]: hi...
BrosenkaSSJ4 [4:42 PM]: whats up i just woke up lol
Drayea222 [4:43 PM]: check my damn site...
BrosenkaSSJ4 [4:43 PM]: going
Drayea222 [4:46 PM]: well, u slept late...
BrosenkaSSJ4 [4:46 PM]: yeah my meds are screwing me up bad
Drayea222 [4:46 PM]: wonderful....
BrosenkaSSJ4 [4:47 PM]: im so sorry kasi.... i hate all of them.... i will i dont even know what to do to them right now....
BrosenkaSSJ4 [4:47 PM]: but im still here for you to talk to
Drayea222 [4:47 PM]: screw urself...then maybe throw a raging party, and make them suffer....simple as that...
Drayea222 [4:48 PM]: my opinion, neway...
Drayea222 [4:48 PM]: GODDAMN IT!!!! will this never fucking stop!? both the assholes get home almost the SAME fucking TIME!!!.
BrosenkaSSJ4 [4:48 PM]: ok.....
BrosenkaSSJ4 [4:49 PM]: thats not good
Drayea222 [4:50 PM]: no....it's not...
Drayea222 [4:51 PM]: wanna know something funny?
BrosenkaSSJ4 [4:51 PM]: yeah
Drayea222 [4:51 PM]: I stabBed">arc">.co">arc">52 ">yea">he several ppl today, and I had SUCH fun kicking this damn kid in the face on the bus....
BrosenkaSSJ4 [4:51 PM]: good
Drayea222 [4:52 PM]: heh...it was great....
BrosenkaSSJ4 [4:52 PM]: maybe i should do that
Drayea222 [4:52 PM]: nope, ONLY my fun...
BrosenkaSSJ4 [4:52 PM]: maybe i should pick up my sword and walk out my front door and just kill everyone i come in contact with...... hummm sounds fun
BrosenkaSSJ4 [4:52 PM]: i wouldn't get upset about it because my meds prevent that hehehe
Drayea222 [4:52 PM]: lol, nice...but nah...cops wouldn't take kindly to it after 2 or 3...
BrosenkaSSJ4 [4:53 PM]: so... think they can stop me... they can only kill a mortal
BrosenkaSSJ4 [4:54 PM]: when i choose to do it ill take backl teh dragon and show this fucked up world a thing or two about life.. and death
Drayea222 [4:54 PM]: and ur human, big diff? ur not the dragon, boy...*sigh* men...y the fuck don't I put u all outta ur missery now?
BrosenkaSSJ4 [4:55 PM]: go for it i dontcare anymore
Drayea222 [4:55 PM]: u think I honestly do?
Drayea222 [4:55 PM]: HA! funny...
BrosenkaSSJ4 [4:56 PM]: then do it
BrosenkaSSJ4 [4:56 PM]: ill evencome yup there and give you the weapon to use on me
BrosenkaSSJ4 [4:56 PM]: make it a slow and painful death for me though
Drayea222 [4:56 PM]: stop taking ur meds...
BrosenkaSSJ4 [4:57 PM]: why....?
Drayea222 [4:57 PM]: it's fucking u up...badly...or have them change the damn stuff...
BrosenkaSSJ4 [4:58 PM]: hehe... no hun... its just made it so that i dont care how i make others feel when i say what i really think some times...btw Ieo sebenne neia
Drayea222 [4:58 PM]: oh, nice fucking comment...
Drayea222 [4:58 PM]: apparently so!!!!
Drayea222 [4:58 PM]: fuck you...
BrosenkaSSJ4 [4:58 PM]: your worse to me half the time
BrosenkaSSJ4 [4:58 PM]: im always nice
BrosenkaSSJ4 [4:58 PM]: im finally venting for real
BrosenkaSSJ4 [4:59 PM]: so give me a fuckign break
BrosenkaSSJ4 [4:59 PM]: its your turn to be the one who sits there and takes all the fuckign abuse and listens and does nothing but try and comfort me
BrosenkaSSJ4 [4:59 PM]: like i always do.
Drayea222 [5:00 PM]: nice, well, to hell with u, k? SO AM I!!!! I don't give a fuck about neone, ppl can beat the fuck outta me like they have been, they can cuss my ass out, do watever! I no longer care!!!!! ya know what? seems I took a LOT of fucking abuse from ur sorry ass when we were together!!!
BrosenkaSSJ4 [5:00 PM]: thanx for the help hun... tongiht should be fun
Drayea222 [5:01 PM]: I'm now men's abuse toy, ya know? I LOVE IT EVER SO fucking much! ......fuck urself, then u'll feel better....or go get laid damn it
BrosenkaSSJ4 [5:01 PM]: ive tried i fuckign cant you know...and about that just beat the shit out of them like i do to anyone that pisses me off now
Drayea222 [5:03 PM]: I CAN'T!@! Do you not understand the goddamn restrictions that are placed on me daily?! I have no fucking life nemore!!!! I let ppl abuse me and walk all over me to a certain point, then I cannot take it nemore!!!!
Drayea222 [5:03 PM]: I can do NOTHING about it though, u understand? I'm FORCED to do nothing!!!!
BrosenkaSSJ4 [5:05 PM]: i can't really care anymore.....i've had my soul locked away....i can't get it back
Drayea222 [5:05 PM]: watever...
BrosenkaSSJ4 [5:06 PM]: see now you would always tell me that you dont care anymore... and i would try to comfort you not get pissed but i cant say it without that smartalic comment back

BrosenkaSSJ4 [5:07 PM]: you always tell me you dont care anymore... but i guess everything is fine for you because everyone elses life is so perfect right... yeah my lifes perfect i have nothing to complain about compared to you.... yeha right you have no i dea anymore whta i go through
BrosenkaSSJ4 [5:07 PM]: i dont tell you usually so you dont fuckign worry
Drayea222 [5:10 PM]: I have no fucking cares nemore, and where the FUCK does everyone keep getting this assinine idea that I think my life is so much fucking worse?! I KNOW others have problems, I try to help them with it! But if ya don't wanna talk to me about it, FINE! DO NOT BLOW UP IN MY FACE ABOUT IT AFTER I GAVE YOU AFUCKING CHANCE TO SORT IT OUT WITH ME!!!!!
BrosenkaSSJ4 [5:10 PM]: because you always find someway to say well this happened to you... no matter what we tell you is wrong with us
BrosenkaSSJ4 [5:11 PM]: i give you a chance to sort things out with me and you start cussing and bitching me out almost everytime
Drayea222 [5:11 PM]: I don't try to...and I hate it when I do, but I don't do that all the time...

Nice, no? Such fun to talk to you, you ASSHOLE!!!! I'm sick of it, ya know Brosenka? FUCK URSELF!!!!
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   Rain and depression, and the night that can be called Hell...
I thank all of you who commented yesturday....and I apologize for the next few posts... They shall not be happy ones, for I have hell to settle with my damnable stepbrother first.

Shadow, I thank you... you are very sweet in ur post, but I let ppl walk all over me to a point, and most of the time I don't mind the minor things. But I'm no angel, and at times I do need to be treated poorly, to prove I am human and still have a heart, as much as I hate it.

Brosenka... I don't mind, but please, just... no more for a few days, k? I thank you for being here... but...yeah.

Demetre... you seem so distant, so hurt and lost, like I seem to feel. Talk to me via IM or email me, alright? I really want to help you... Hell, ur one of the closest ppl to me, I mean... I've known you for 6 years, right?

DemonMessiah I thank you 'big bro' lol.... ur always there to pick me up when I'm down and put a smile on my face... Thanx...

Well! Last night was FUCKING wonderful... I get to work and it's a slow day, only me and 2 others working....*sigh* My stepdad sends my stepbrother at 10:30, and I can't get off till 11.... SO! I got into this little fuss with him, thankfully no one was around. He talks about how part of MY paycheck is gonna be his gas money. I said no. No one told me I had to do that crap, and I never asked for his sorry ass to pick me up. I tell him most of my paycheck is going to be for helping to pay for MY car on my birthday. He says if I'm not gonna come now, he's leaving. His sorry ass stomps out the fucking door, and leaves me. I'm left helping clean up (I wasn't gonna leave the entire job for one of my managers and friends to do), and I'm really upset. I go to call my stepdad to send someone else, get harrassed for it. He says he's the one who sent him there to see if I can leave early. Nah-uh. No fucking way... I told him Patrick (my stepbrother, or pat...) was rude, and so... he sends him to get me once more. I'm upset, avoiding my manager and Ariel(co-worker/friend also there), shange to leave, clock out, stand in the rain... I wasn't the happiest when I got home... and Pat unplugged the computer once I got home, being an ass... so I couldn't use it. My earlier, morning times when I would usually write this post, are now no longer accessable. I hate these bastard men I must live with for another year, at least... Whatever...

I have pics of my new baby brother now. ^_^ I shall try to put them up tomorrow...or I could email them to you. ^_^ He is so adorable! Lol.. I know I must seem like an idiot, switching moods and all...but I'm happy about my baby brother... one that I actually have say-so on how he's raised, and to see that he doesn't turn out so horridly... like my sister and other brother. Lol, all of the siblings I have are half, or step. My biological parents divorced after I was born... guess I was such a screw up, lol. Eh... ppl still care... maybe not in the way I wish them to... but at least they care... I'm not an absolute loner, right? Whatever...I should shut up now.... Ja.
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Monday, September 27, 2004

Wonders of Life...Eh...
Srry...wasn't able to post... Stepdad was fixing the computer, and playing his damnable games.... I couldn't get on. *sigh* I was slammed into a wall this morning. Heh, funny story...let me tell it to ya.

Kid was harrassing(in a playful way) some of my friends (guy and girl) and I go over, and gently poke him, trying to figure out what's going on. *sigh* WELL! Guy figures he's had enough of me, and slammed me into the wall. Plenty of ppl saw it, and he just says for me to get off of him... bastard...NEWAY!

Chris has backed off, besides stalking me with his stares... I swear, the boy's trying to undress me or something during class, lmao. He sits there and glances/stares at me ALL DAY! lol...neway... I had a somewhat.. ok day today. God...I realized something. It's depressing and I hate it... but whatever...wanna know what it is? It's this...

I miss having someone to be there for me... someone who'll never hurt me and is sweet....and could never hurt me...I hate it because it seems selfish...but....I can't stand not being hugged, told I'm sweet and nice...but yet, them admitting they are the same too...I have tons of friends for me like that....but....it doesn't hold the same effect.... I dunno...I guess I feel empty and all...I don't know why...but I want to give up on my heart... *sigh* Ah well.

Well, sorry to waist your time... Depression sucks. Eh... Ja...
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Sunday, September 26, 2004

better days...
Well, some good news, I found out, my biological father had himself a baby boy, so I have a new half brother. Stepmom spent 12 hours in labor, and they had to re-do her epidural....Ow, lol. Their home now, and I'll get pics, and show u, if ya want! ^_^ His name's Nathaniel, and I love that name. Well, my shoulder is completely usless thanks to Chris. My stepsister and stepbrother are pissed...and so's Matt...I'm lubbed! Lol...in a better mood, glad to be single, but in such pain and slept for 13 hours, lol. Woke up enough to see Inuyasha and Wolf's Rain... I missed the past 2-3 weeks before now.... Well, I better go...don't want to bore you to death, lol. Ja matte ne! ^_~ *hugs for all* OW! damn shoulder...*goes to hit a wall(lol)*
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Saturday, September 25, 2004

   I hate the world today...
I hate the world today... I hate everything.... I wish I didn't have a fucking heart! I wish I could tear it from my chest and throw it to the ground where I stand, in a circle of those that I hold dear... all of you, all of those here with me, and in SC.... screw the world... I don't give a flying fuck!!! I hate this world, and I hate humanity! My demonic rage has finally driven me mad! I hate this crap!!!!

On a lighter note, Chris is a prick, and he shall die for his acts against me.
Outside, after driver's ed. I go, being nice and all, and since Chris is the tallest person there, ask him to kindly stand still while I kick beside him to see how high I can kick. Heh, asshole turns, grabs my leg, pushes me to the ground... his buddies and him laugh at me, I get up to kick his ass, and the fucker grabs my arms, twists them around, pulls them behind my back, then further attempts to grab me, I don't know where, but I attempt to bite him, kick him, get away from him and storm off calling him an asshole.

Oh, I'm going to have such fun later on.... no one, and I fcuking mean NO ONE gets away with the shit he's done to me.... The asshole thought he was so good natured, taking the break up SO fucking well, then his sorry ass goes and does that?! Fuck no.... I'm sorry, but I'm to my limit on staying relatively calm, kind, good natured, and far from pissed. I've only been mad and ticked off... but hell.... I'm pissed. Screw everything, I'm gonna kick his ass later.

I cannot go to SC this weekend... and I have a meeting at work tomorrow.... A friend at work, TJ, was very nice... I was so upset, I started to cry, and he made me feel better, getting me to laugh and telling me to go do walk throughs(going to the theaters, making sure the emergency exists are shut, and all) and sit in the movie and watch some of it and feel better. Lol... sat in the ending credits of Residents Evil: Apocolipse, and sat there, cried for a second, listened to the awesome music, then left... I felt SO much better... and my stepbrother was PISSED as hell when I told him about Chris. No one likes him much... the ass. Do you blame me? I will calm down and feel better on my own time, right now... I need to vent, cry, hit something, and just.. say screw this. Sorry once more, but.. I'm sure you understand, no?..... Fuck it, I don't care.... Ja.
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Friday, September 24, 2004

somethings are irritating and abussive....
I have a bad feeling about today...

Chris isn't going to be with me after today.... I have bruises on my arm from yesturday.... I found a person whose truly obsessed with YuGiOh cards.
I was joking and acted like I was going to take his Jinzo, and he grabs me, turns me around, grabs my arms, hard, and takes back the damn card. Then he's pissed for the rest of the day because I don't want him to touch me.

I'm ending it, and I'll have a couple of ppl watching me. My stepbrother and Matt, they don't want him to touch me... I'm thankful for them on that.

I hurt, and it's like my chest is ripping open. My back aches as well. I feel depressed, and I know I shouldn't... my migranes are worse as well. I really want to cry... and have one of you guys here with me... you all make me feel so much better.... Well, time for school. Gtg...and accept my fate. Ja.
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