Thursday, August 5, 2004

   Just woke up, but in a good mood, lol....
^_^ All of you are great. Well, I did somting very unlike me yestirday... Lol, I went and cleared everyone's plates when we were done eating and I had done my chores before hand as well. ^_^ *gasp!* big shock, I know, lol.... Eh, I'm tired of them thinking I can't do crap and all, but whatever... SO! I'm feeling a little better, sickness is starting to leave me, lol.... Migranes aren't, but that's normal for me. ^_^ How is everyone? I hope well...GUESS WHAT!? My step sister, Kelsey, brought me candy home at about midnight last night! I was SO happy! ^_^ CANDY AND SUGAR YUMMY AND GOOD FOR ME!!!! ^_^ Lol, well, I know I'm probably scaring at least one of you, lol, so... ttyl! Ja matte ne! ^_~
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Wednesday, August 4, 2004

   bored...tired...sick...UGH! lol...
Well, other than being sick an dtired as hell...things are good. ^_^ I've decided to give my heart another try... Thank you Demetre...^_^ And...lol, well, I'm tired, don't feel like talking, might have found another job...and... if anyone has anything they need advice on or anything or the sort, feel free to PM or IM or Email me, k? Ja matte ne, and have a great day all! ^_~
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Tuesday, August 3, 2004

Wonderful things...Wonderful Misery, lol....
The people who were suppose to be there to interview me were late. They didn't show at 10. I had to come back at 3. They still weren't there. Know what I say now?
Fuck them. I'll find a damn job else where. *sigh*

My mother also pissed me off yesturday. My mood was ruined until I got to talk to Demetre over the phone. I was SO happy! ^_^ It's so great to hear a friends voice after talking to them only online.... Still... my mother was being a b****. Here's what happened:

My little sister wanted to go somewhere in the store, and she had been a brat from hell since we had gotten there. I was assigned to go with her. I told my mom I didn't want to. Well, lost that one. I walked for a little bit, then grabbed my sisters arm so she'd not walk off from me and speed up. She jerks out of my arm, I fling my arm back as a reflex, hit her lightly, she runs BACK to my mom, tells her I'm hitting her, and my mom gets onto me.... WTF!? I walk back over there, say I'm NOT walking with that brat, and that she can go on her own. My mom raises her voice, and I came SO damn close to cussing her out to her face... I'm sure she heard a few things I said... But, this is what I was saying: "Damn, fine! *mutters* Bitch... Goddamn it to Hell!" Lol, would've been funny, but if she heard me, she didn't say anything about it. SO! I walk with my little sister, she's running around like a little hyper-active...something, not sure what. And so she's playing games, and I'm walking, telling her to behave. Well, go back to the front counter when she's done with whatever, and my mom tells me to take off my sunglasses. I say no. She hugs me...which she KNOWS I hate... and apologizes, and says that Jenna(my sister) won't be coming back with us again (it was an all girls night for me and my step sister to buy new clothes for school). Jenna starts with a fit, and I let her have it. I tell her she's too immature and too much of a pain to come with us, that she has yet to show she can behave in a store with us. SO! We leave, go to another store. I'm forced to take my glasses off my head, and we go looking for shirts this time. I'm still not happy, muttering cuss words under my breath to my mother. I find a few nice things, some even had pink in them, but it also had black, and even if I hate it, those 2 colors are good together. (lol, my favorite color, and the color I hate, lol...) Anyway, my mother's going 'omg, it's got pink! Hell is freezing over!' And I really want to hit her for that. I go to try on the clothes, she's going 'OH! that is just SO cute!' I wanna hit her, but I won't, we go, finish with looking around, and we go to the check out line. I go outside, and laugh when my little sister runs out and says: "They won't take mommy's check!" Which was gay because they just accepted it over in the other store, and I knew my mother had more than enough money in that account. ANYWAY! I go back inside, ask for the keys to the car, go sit out there, turn on the CD player, and sing to Evanescence until everyone comes back out. It was nothing more than a misunderstanding. Then it was funny because the button to open to trunk wouldn't work, and I was just in my dark little world laughing.

But anyway, other than that, I had fun going to hangout with my step brother and one of his friends, Matt. I'd say he's the only person other than my step brother I can call a friend right now, at least, in Asheville, lol. I still have all of you, plus my friends back home... Ah well, I'm don't venting, complaining whatever, lol. I'm better since I cried a little last night. Which is why I carry my sunglasses with me everywhere. It could be black as midnight, and I'll put them on, lol. I just don't cry in front of anyone, and never plan to now that I'm starting over. I also don't let many see my eyes...^_^ SO! Now that that's over and done with, how's everyone today? OH! And, btw, a little side note, I love your posts and I know you're all trying to make me feel good half of the time, but I really hate it when it sounds like you take pity on me... I'm not one for sympathy much...and thank my family, lol. Eh, all well, it's a wonderful thing! Lol, Ja matte ne! ^_~
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Monday, August 2, 2004

   Short, sweet, sleep....lol
I go for my first job interview... 10am....it's currently 1:16am.... I hurt, wanna throw up and can't, lol...neway, how r all of you today? thnx 4 ur suppport... ^_^ I'll let you know how things went later on....right now...sleep, lol... Oh, and...crap, forgot, had something, tell ya later...Ja matte ne! ....
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Sunday, August 1, 2004

Venting to keep happy....Odd, but I don't care...
They think I have a high opinion of myself... That I think I know everything... They think I don't hear them when they talk about me in the other rooms, that it doesn't hurt... They think I'm a child, that I know nothing, that I've never been hurt... It hurts to have moved, it hurts to be away from my home... I wan ta friend, someone to hold me as I cry, to give me space when I need it, to help me through this... They think I don't know what's said at my expence, they think that I can't think... They think I'm completely alone and don't care...

THEY know nothing... THEY never can... and the next time THEY say something, I'll hear, the next time I'm hurt THEY will know... and the next time THEY think they can get away with something at my expence.... Hell shall eat away their souls at my very comand...

Sorry, I'm better, just...not entirely happy... My sister's b-day...was interesting....let's say.... Don't wanna talk about it... Anyway, I'm tired of ppl treating me and my sister like we're fucking dogs, like we don't give a shit about anything, because it's not true...and I swear, next time my mother wants to bother the hell outta me... she'll hear it... And my stepsister thinks she can be a bitch to me and to my sister when she's not around...Hell no. Ah well, I'll grow the fuck up now...and just go to sleep... 2:24AM....Ja matte ne...and trust me, I'm fine...still in a good mood, just venting so I stay in one and don't hit anybody, lol... Later...
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Saturday, July 31, 2004

   short, but I'm tired...deal with it! lmao!!!!
Glorious day! What a party, no? Lol...well, today my little sister turns ....8! Lol...what fun....we get to swim though, lol...^_^ Well, things still bother me, but I'm better. ^_^ Hav ea great day! Ja matte ne! ^_~
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Friday, July 30, 2004

   JOIN THE FUN!!! ^_^
WELCOME!!! ^_^ I'm in a better mood, so let's start this party!!! ^_^ WOOHOO!!! Lmao! NEWAY! I'll be postig throughout the day, k? I hope you all have fun! *gives Purgatory a bright pink and neon hat for Niko, and candy and chocolate and balloons and all for everyone!* Wnjoy the cake, candy, and fun! Ja matte ne! ^_~


PS-!!! If anyone wants it, my ex's email addy is brosenkaSSJ4@hotmail.com Ja matte ne! ^_~
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Thursday, July 29, 2004

   Get a load of this crap!!!
This is the email I found from my ex this morning. It made me very unhappy, and I would like to know your opinion of it. If you wouldn't mind, that is. Well, here it is, and please, if you have anything you'd LOVE to say to him, I'll gladly send him an email! ^_^ (I'm NOT in a happy mood...not at all)

PS- VERY IMPORTANT!!! Until tomorrow, we cannot have the party...*sigh* Sorry about this, but... I just figured I'd want to get things over and done with so I can be in a great mood! More enjoyable for everyone else that way too! Lol, Ja matte ne! ^_~


I know your probably just going to delete this, but i thought i would give it a shot. I have a few things i need to say. The first would have to be I'm sorry. i'm sorry for who i was i wasn't the person i needed to be so im not sure about much right now. the second is two fold. first i was at least honest enough to be upfront about what happened between me and natayla. im sorry for that but it happened apparently you couldn't see past it. the other half was that you promised never to bring up the stuff about beth agian. i can never go back to her i know that and yes i thought i loved her she ws my first real girlfriend.. i may at one time have said that she was my first love but that was before i fully understood the word as i do now. the third i that i know that everything is over between you and me. now im not sure if its patrick that won't let me call or if it was your chioce but i respect it either way ( mainly because i can't fight it). i finally figured out that i can't win everytime... so the last thing i have to say right now is thank you for the time and love that you did give me... also i know you probably never want to see me agian but i kindly ask as a final request that you be there whenever they arrange to give my stuff back so that i can give you your poems, and your cd... the other reason is so that i can break the connection for good because i can't do it from here. im sorry and if you can't do this or jsut don't want to i can undestand for i now see my many flaws and imperfections. goodbye for now my friend.

Love, (a feeling deep enough never to be broken)

Bradley Alan Mills


What the f***ing hell is he thinking? My opinion? One: He can shove his feelings for me up his ass at the moment.
2: He lied to me ablout what happened with my friend! And he swore up and down on his love for Beth!
3: He is full of B.S. majorly...

And over the course of a few days, I might not be myself, but I personally thank his sorry ass for being the reason why I no longer want to be with anyone for quite a while. Well, I've bitched far too long. Ja matte ne...
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Wednesday, July 28, 2004

Better days, better mood....^_~
I feel better...other than my back hurting from having to sleep on the couch until the get the addtition done on the house! ^_^ Well, I went and took a scalding hot shower(almost passed out when I got out), went for my walk, got picked up by my step brother to go run some errands with him, came back, went a litle later on to go eat and go to the store with my step sister, tried on some interesting clothes... HA! Get this, I found something that I liked that was PINK! And I even went as far to try on some skirts! Lol, heh, at least one outfit was black, lol. I should've brought a camera! ^_^ Well, after that, we went back home, I talked online until almost 3AM, and I feel a lot better! ^_^ Now, I just need to beat the memories outta my head! ^_~ WELL! The party will be... in 2 days, if that's ok with Purgatory! ^_~ Well, time limit's almost up, and I need to stretch and not be stiff anymore! ^_^ TTYL! Ja matte ne! ^_~

PS- You're all invited to the party! ^_~
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Tuesday, July 27, 2004

   Not for the week of heart, and anyone who doesn't wish to hear anything horrible or whatever....go away now...
DAMN THEM ALL!!!! *throws random things across the house, not giving a damn about little sister watching* GOD! My stepfather has pushed it a bit too goddamn far!!! He's taken away all the other internet programs on the computer, so now? I have 3 hours a day to do anything! A fucking time limit!!! And sometimes he shortens it for the hell of it!!!! Damn him!!! He's not my father, OR my dad, he needs to stop trying, and he needs to stay the hell away from me!!!! .....

I'm a bit better...*sigh* He constanly tries to get me to hug him, he's always trying to be so "goody goody nice" and then he'll give me all these damn rules and limitations! I liked it better when my mother HADN'T gotten remarried!!!

*sigh* On a different note... I'm no longer numb... and I wish to be, and for that, my good mood has left me.... My thoughts are on the horrible things my ex did.... I'm not ashamed or embarrassed to talk about it... but it just brings back bad memories.... I hate him, and I've always been scared of him.... When he screwed up the first time, it hurt me, but I broke it off.... Then, he promised me he had changed, that things would be better....and he showed me little things, and I got back with him... because I was a fool...an dI was living for everyone else, not me... everyone wanted us back together.... That was a mistake.... He hadn't changed, he continued the things he'd done before. I've been hurt physically, mentally, and emotionally... more so by him...than all the other times I've been hurt combined.... I tried to tell my mother, but she never wanted to hear it, he was perfect in her eyes... and to just about everyone else.... I've cried more with him than I have when those closest to me in my family died recently. I hated him, the way he'd touch me, the games he'd play... no one knew but me... ad I finally couldn't take it, I had to tell someone. So, I went and told one of my friends.... She told and spread rumors around the school... then my mother found out, and confronted me on the matter.... I told her, but she didn't believe me at first, didn't think it was a big deal, that I had lied and confused me words... I hadn't. She was confused, and didn't want to believe anything that had happened. But the truth is... I was 15, he was 17... it was still what my mother didn't want to believe....and now they see I was right, and they're trying to keep me from him.... He's mad, angry, wanting to hurt me, cussing out my mother and step father. No one wanted me with him unless it's what I wanted, they said... it's a lie... My friends wanted me to stay away from him because they knew what he was like years ago, they didn't like him, but they didn't want me to get angry or hate them.... I really only wanted a reason to get away from him... I have that reason....

He was into Wiccan, gangs, smoking, drinking, sleeping with other girls... (and this was before he was 17)... he was abusive and cold, and then...he apparently changed for me... hmmm... Big lie.... But, he would force you to do whatever he wanted...he was manipulative....

But continuing on anyway.... *sigh* e played RPing games... all of them I didn't like, but I had suggested RPing... but not what he wanted to do... Heh, fact of the matter is, no matter what I did, he was there, suffocating me, forcing me to do what he wanted, bending me to his will. After one month, well....more like 2 weeks, he tried to get me to be more... well, he tried to loosen me up, and get me to do things, small things at first. Then, a week or two later, he'd tried to get me to go as far as one could with another. I said no, and he backed off.... A few days later, he starts with that once more. I continually tell him no for about a month or so, and he finally forces me/scares me into that.... Not something I'm proud of, not something I'm ever going to be happy about.

I hate him... I've been trying not to cry since I first woke up...and I'm sorry that this is somewhat disturbing to most, but I had to let it out...and I wasn't going to keep it in. My family no longer wants to hear about it, and this is the only other thing I could think of....

He was abusive during his time with me when he was angry, and no one bothered to blame him. "You were abusive too, biting him and hitting him!" I bit him playfully and when he told me too. I hit him when he pissed me off, hit me first, or I'd tap him when we were playing... But I was the one who always did wrong.... I'm tired of knowing what he did, being forced to act happy and like it never mattered...to forget about it... because I won't! He did those things to me, and I'm not happy about it, I hate him, and I hate my family for trying to force me to forget my past, to forget the things I was supposedly the cause of!!! He abused me, and he raped me....I got the blame, and now...since he showed his true colors....things are suppose to be better... because ppl know I wasn't lying.

I need to go...I no longer want to be online... I might get on later tonight, or tomorrow....which ever I feel like....
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