myOtaku.com: Rayea Kagome chan

myO Still <3's You

Vitals

Gender
• Female
Location
• Where ever I happen to choose at the time.
Member Since
• 2004-06-18
Occupation
• Writer
Real Name
• Night

Personal

Achievements
• Depends on what you'd call an acheivement....
Anime Fan Since
• A long time, hard to say from wence it all started...
Favorite Anime
• Most any and all anime.
Goals
• Another secret for me to know and you to not.
Hobbies
• To sing, write (be it poetry or my stories), involving myself in my art, and my music (be it writing my songs and putting them to music or playing any random thing and listening to my CDs), also my artistic works.
Talents
• Oh, it'd make it so much more interesting to speak to me in person about that.

myOtaku.com: Rayea Kagome chan

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

Not for the week of heart, and anyone who doesn't wish to hear anything horrible or whatever....go away now...
DAMN THEM ALL!!!! *throws random things across the house, not giving a damn about little sister watching* GOD! My stepfather has pushed it a bit too goddamn far!!! He's taken away all the other internet programs on the computer, so now? I have 3 hours a day to do anything! A fucking time limit!!! And sometimes he shortens it for the hell of it!!!! Damn him!!! He's not my father, OR my dad, he needs to stop trying, and he needs to stay the hell away from me!!!! .....

I'm a bit better...*sigh* He constanly tries to get me to hug him, he's always trying to be so "goody goody nice" and then he'll give me all these damn rules and limitations! I liked it better when my mother HADN'T gotten remarried!!!

*sigh* On a different note... I'm no longer numb... and I wish to be, and for that, my good mood has left me.... My thoughts are on the horrible things my ex did.... I'm not ashamed or embarrassed to talk about it... but it just brings back bad memories.... I hate him, and I've always been scared of him.... When he screwed up the first time, it hurt me, but I broke it off.... Then, he promised me he had changed, that things would be better....and he showed me little things, and I got back with him... because I was a fool...an dI was living for everyone else, not me... everyone wanted us back together.... That was a mistake.... He hadn't changed, he continued the things he'd done before. I've been hurt physically, mentally, and emotionally... more so by him...than all the other times I've been hurt combined.... I tried to tell my mother, but she never wanted to hear it, he was perfect in her eyes... and to just about everyone else.... I've cried more with him than I have when those closest to me in my family died recently. I hated him, the way he'd touch me, the games he'd play... no one knew but me... ad I finally couldn't take it, I had to tell someone. So, I went and told one of my friends.... She told and spread rumors around the school... then my mother found out, and confronted me on the matter.... I told her, but she didn't believe me at first, didn't think it was a big deal, that I had lied and confused me words... I hadn't. She was confused, and didn't want to believe anything that had happened. But the truth is... I was 15, he was 17... it was still what my mother didn't want to believe....and now they see I was right, and they're trying to keep me from him.... He's mad, angry, wanting to hurt me, cussing out my mother and step father. No one wanted me with him unless it's what I wanted, they said... it's a lie... My friends wanted me to stay away from him because they knew what he was like years ago, they didn't like him, but they didn't want me to get angry or hate them.... I really only wanted a reason to get away from him... I have that reason....

He was into Wiccan, gangs, smoking, drinking, sleeping with other girls... (and this was before he was 17)... he was abusive and cold, and then...he apparently changed for me... hmmm... Big lie.... But, he would force you to do whatever he wanted...he was manipulative....

But continuing on anyway.... *sigh* e played RPing games... all of them I didn't like, but I had suggested RPing... but not what he wanted to do... Heh, fact of the matter is, no matter what I did, he was there, suffocating me, forcing me to do what he wanted, bending me to his will. After one month, well....more like 2 weeks, he tried to get me to be more... well, he tried to loosen me up, and get me to do things, small things at first. Then, a week or two later, he'd tried to get me to go as far as one could with another. I said no, and he backed off.... A few days later, he starts with that once more. I continually tell him no for about a month or so, and he finally forces me/scares me into that.... Not something I'm proud of, not something I'm ever going to be happy about.

I hate him... I've been trying not to cry since I first woke up...and I'm sorry that this is somewhat disturbing to most, but I had to let it out...and I wasn't going to keep it in. My family no longer wants to hear about it, and this is the only other thing I could think of....

He was abusive during his time with me when he was angry, and no one bothered to blame him. "You were abusive too, biting him and hitting him!" I bit him playfully and when he told me too. I hit him when he pissed me off, hit me first, or I'd tap him when we were playing... But I was the one who always did wrong.... I'm tired of knowing what he did, being forced to act happy and like it never mattered...to forget about it... because I won't! He did those things to me, and I'm not happy about it, I hate him, and I hate my family for trying to force me to forget my past, to forget the things I was supposedly the cause of!!! He abused me, and he raped me....I got the blame, and now...since he showed his true colors....things are suppose to be better... because ppl know I wasn't lying.

I need to go...I no longer want to be online... I might get on later tonight, or tomorrow....which ever I feel like....
Comments (8)

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