myOtaku.com: Rayea Kagome chan

myO Still <3's You

Vitals

Gender
• Female
Location
• Where ever I happen to choose at the time.
Member Since
• 2004-06-18
Occupation
• Writer
Real Name
• Night

Personal

Achievements
• Depends on what you'd call an acheivement....
Anime Fan Since
• A long time, hard to say from wence it all started...
Favorite Anime
• Most any and all anime.
Goals
• Another secret for me to know and you to not.
Hobbies
• To sing, write (be it poetry or my stories), involving myself in my art, and my music (be it writing my songs and putting them to music or playing any random thing and listening to my CDs), also my artistic works.
Talents
• Oh, it'd make it so much more interesting to speak to me in person about that.

myOtaku.com: Rayea Kagome chan

Sunday, October 10, 2004

My life ends today....but not in the sense you think....
I'm scared right now... I'm really scared.... I've not ever wanted to hide and cry so much before.... I have the option today of hurting one of two people I care about most... I cannot stand to do this... But I have to... I must... I don't know what to do... I'm so lost.... I am hurting and I don't know how to stop it... They talk it out, and I have no say so... It won't be my choice. Excerts from an IM I had earlier....

"I am...I'm afraid of losing someone I care about... of losing a part of my heart....it's going to happen one way or another...won't it?.....I used to be scared of death, then I experienced it... in the physical form, and many times in the spiritual and mental... I'm no longer afraid... but to close off your heart to reopen it to almost certain pain... I'm scared...." "That's what I'm afraid of... I'll still have the one I lose as a friend... but I'll know how they feel, I'll be tormented by the guilt, by the fact that I hurt them... purposefully or no... I just... I've not opened my heart in a long time.... and I think that's where I messed up when being with him... I should've opened up more, been more myself and told him when I felt like we shouldn't do something.... I should've been stronger in my decisions... Now... I'm going to pay for it..."
"That's what he said... and he hurts as much as the other is right now... he hates it for me as well.... how do I choose between a best friend I love so dearly... and another who I've not known as long... but who I match up with almost as perfectly as my friend? Both I would gladly give my life for....."
"I am not worried... I am worried about the fate of my already torn and shattered, but poorly mended heart! I am so worn and tired of emotions... mostly with the loss of who to choose... the other, or him... that's why I've been so numb and sick.. and hurting... it's mostly from what I've done to my body... I will open my heart to the one I'm with... but I hurt so much... I push myself so far and almost kill myself several times a week to not be weak and break...."
" I know...and I do... but at other times... I need to take my mind off of it so I won't cry in front of people... I won't let anyone be burdened with my pain.... I once was stupid and locked myself in the bathroom, and I sat there, punching myself almost as hard as I could in the arm.... I refused to cry, and I had a bruise for a couple of weeks.... thank god no one could see it..."

I was able to keep things hidden.. inside for so long, now... hell happens upon my life with a vengence... I must go.. if you wish to know more, email me or send me a PM... Ja....and, please be wishing me luck... if you want....
Comments (0)

« Home

Anime | How to Draw Anime | Anime Wallpapers

Top of Page