myOtaku.com: Rayea Kagome chan

myO Still <3's You

Vitals

Gender
• Female
Location
• Where ever I happen to choose at the time.
Member Since
• 2004-06-18
Occupation
• Writer
Real Name
• Night

Personal

Achievements
• Depends on what you'd call an acheivement....
Anime Fan Since
• A long time, hard to say from wence it all started...
Favorite Anime
• Most any and all anime.
Goals
• Another secret for me to know and you to not.
Hobbies
• To sing, write (be it poetry or my stories), involving myself in my art, and my music (be it writing my songs and putting them to music or playing any random thing and listening to my CDs), also my artistic works.
Talents
• Oh, it'd make it so much more interesting to speak to me in person about that.

myOtaku.com: Rayea Kagome chan

Saturday, December 18, 2004

Fixing the Problems.... (and srry it's long, lol)
I finally came to an understanding of myself last night. I figured... hey, I need to get over everything, and since I couldn't talk to anyone.... I wrote a few pages to myself.... I was always worried my mother or someone would find the things I right and then use it against me, confront me and make my problems worse.... I always figured they'd try to use it as something to lock me away with. I finally said this:

"Know what? Why do I bother? I do not care. The more I leave my pain in, the more I hurt... so I'm going to write to myself and say 'Screw anyone who doesn't want to care enough to help and not put me down about it.' And all my problems shall get better, and I can finally live with myself and not hate myself for things I could not help...."

I finally said this, as well: "I've been blamed for a lot of things, treated a lot of different ways for each. Why don't I just admit to everyone that I am a failure, that I do have nothing left to offer but pain and such? It might also help me, and it'll get all the thoughts from my head, and I can block out the cruel things once more..."

I did, and so I got the few things I have written. It took a good bit of my time last night, and I cried more, as I have for the past 2 weeks. I don't want to be suicidal again, and I was that way a day ago. I scared so many, and I have a lot I need to fix, I know. I am slowly healing myself... and hell. If I feel like crying, I will. I do not care whose around, and I do not care what's wrong. I will cry until I'm ready to stop. Everyone who doesn't like it, well... let's just say they can all go to hell and leave my life. I don't need people like that near me. SO! On with my creativity of the night....

"I lay here hurting. I drag more and more into my pain... and I'm so selfish for it.... I'm pissing them off and making them hate me, making them irritated and mad.... It's no wonder I feel like they're forcing themselves to tolerate me. I'm hurting Chris, and he's getting pissed off at me.... Why do I bother? He's a dear friend of mine, and I hate what I've been doing.... I drag him into my problems most.... and I hate it. I have Brad saying everything that happened in our PAST (which should stay there) was my fault. He is going around, telling it to others, and half of it is twisted truth, the other half? Lies. I don't know why I bothered.... I was told by many to just say to hell with him and leave him to rot. I decided I'd be one of the few who actually remained caring and there for him when he needed.... He's dragging me further into depression and self hate for it. So, no more. If he wants my help, he can go running to his precious Katie. He needs HER to help him, not me.... Other than that, I'm not fond of J leaving... I didn't want him to leave, but he needed the time alone... now, he and his brother are sending me messages to forget him, and all because he thinks he's caused me more pain than he has joy.... Not true, but I cannot talk anyone out of it.... Thus, most reason for my heartache and irritation."

Depression statements:
"I hate myself. It's my fault.... It's all my fucking fault! It's my fault I got dragged into an endless hell of a relationship with him (referring to Brad)! It was MY FAULT I was manipulated into doing what I didn't want to do, after saying NO! It's my goddamned fault I was scared of him and his temper! It's my fault that it continued... It's my fault he hurt me... yelled at me... It's my fault I hurt Alan because I was WEAK! It's my fault... that I went back and dealt with the abuse again... and it's my fault I got angry... that I developed an anger problem. It's my fault I got sick and would black out and lay on the floor screaming and crying in pain from stress and suppression.... It's my fault I'm a bitch who ruins everyone's life! It’s my fault I hurt him (again, Brad) and caused his heartache and getting kicked out of the Army.... It’s my fault I fell in love with Michael and RUINED his life! It’s my fault I hurt Matt (a friend)... It’s my fault Chris HATES me and that I still piss him off and hurt him.... It’s my fault I dragged Kitty (another friend) into my problems... It’s ALL MY FAULT my friends suffer in life like they do! It’s my fault that I am called a bitch and treated as such by Brad.... It’s my fault that I cause pain to those I’m near.... It’s my fault I have scars across my back from my own stupidity. It’s my fault I’m dying from my physical illnesses (sicknesses and diseases I‘ve had since I was younger, don‘t like to talk about it....).... It’s MY FAULT I’m WEAK! It’s my fault... all my fault... It’s all my fault.... It’s my fault I’m so stupid and that I continue to piss people off.... my fault I have no heart.... It’s MY FAULT! EVERYTHING! It Is All My Fault!.... my fault....”

And thus ends this depression post, and now... I go to cry because I still feel bad and I’m sick, and... I just feel like crying. ^_^ Until later then.... Ja ne...
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