|
myOtaku.com
• Join Today!
My Pages
• Home
• Portfolio
• Guestbook
• Quiz Results
Contact Me
AIM
• Drayea222
E-mail
• Click Here
Yahoo! Messenger
• rayea_night
Vitals
Gender
•
Female
Location
• Where ever I happen to choose at the time.
Member Since
• 2004-06-18
Occupation
• Writer
Real Name
• Night
Personal
Achievements
• Depends on what you'd call an acheivement....
Anime Fan Since
• A long time, hard to say from wence it all started...
Favorite Anime
• Most any and all anime.
Goals
• Another secret for me to know and you to not.
Hobbies
• To sing, write (be it poetry or my stories), involving myself in my art, and my music (be it writing my songs and putting them to music or playing any random thing and listening to my CDs), also my artistic works.
Talents
• Oh, it'd make it so much more interesting to speak to me in person about that.
|
|
|
|
myOtaku.com: Rayea Kagome chan
|
Saturday, July 2, 2005
Sorry for this in advance... but I had my final push...
Through the madness of past heartaches and maddening and endless current sufferings, one tends to go insane from depression, pain, and self-hate. We all loose control from time to time, and I’ve finally lost all control. I’m calm on the outside, happy even, but late at night when no one else is around and the world is quiet and there’s only the sound of suffering and harsh silence to be found, I cry. I let my inner self show. On the inside, I am hurting always, trying to forget my past, deal with my present and make sure things are going to work to for my future. It’s hell, living in the life I do… and I know I’m selfish because so many others have such horrible lives… but still… my pain is reasonable, isn’t it? *sighs* I hoped never to have to do this again, but I must…. I am going to list things from my life that are… unpleasant, that I’m not fond of sharing, and that I must get out so I can finally and truly heal….
In all my life I was…:
~Never wanted by my biological parents
~Almost put up for adoption (which was not done because of “Christian” morals and how wrong it would have looked)
~Abused physically as a child
~Never been accepted by my family
~Always been treated like an outcast even when I was what they wanted me to be (years ago)
~Cause two divorces for my mother and ruined her chances with other men
~Abused emotionally by my mother and father
~Abused physically by guys
~Raped (once was not even three or four months ago by the co-worker I hate so much now…. and I hate to admit that one….)
~Been pushed so far by stress that I’ve fallen into darkness mentally and woke up having mutilated myself physically with sharp items…
~Been held at gun point
~Been on the receiving end of a blade
~Been abused by my little brother and almost put in the hospital because of him (his old fits of anger which he inherited from his father…)
~Had rumors spread about me for almost every reason and for every situation imaginable
~Had many members of my family who were close to me die in a close period of time
~Had a friend die in front of me
~Had a friend kill them self on my behalf (so they claimed before they committed suicide…)
~Been hurt emotionally by a guy in just about every way possible
I’m not okay, not normal by your standards when taking in all I’ve gone through (and there’s more that I do not wish to ever discuss with people)… and I don’t want pity… don’t want anything from anyone… but I do want my family to love me… I do want my family to accept me… and they won’t give me that…. And it seems like… I can’t get what I want…. I want the childhood I was denied… I want the love that was stripped from me since my birth because I wasn’t planned, because I was a mistake to them…. I can never have any of that… can’t have the love I want, and because of all my problems (mostly the ones I refuse to talk about)… I… I cannot have the long I want…. I was so upset last night, cried for hours before work… and I wrote a song… why I chose the words I did, I dunno. Depression does crazy things to people and I no longer care right now… Enjoy… I need to go….
You Didn’t Love Me…
How could I ever compare?
How could I ever have hoped?
I was so stupid as to believe…
I was worth anything to you….
You didn’t love me
You didn’t care for me
You let them hurt me and beat me down
You didn’t love me
Someone who would hold me…
Someone who would care…
Someone who would let me love them…
But you were never there….
You didn’t love me
You didn’t care for me
You let them hurt me and beat me down
You didn’t love me
Your attention and grace…
Your loving smile and embrace…
Your precious love and soothing voice…
That’s all I ever wanted!
You didn’t love me
You didn’t care for me
You let them hurt me and beat me down
You didn’t love me
To be so naïve was all you wished!
To act like you didn’t know that I hurt…
To think that I didn’t ever love you…
How stupid was that?
You didn’t love me!
You didn’t care for me!
You let them hurt me and beat me down!
You didn’t love me!
You didn’t love me…
~Night~
Comments
(7)
« Home |
|
