Saturday, November 13, 2004

   Tears
What do you think of a person who is grateful for tears? Crazy perhaps? Insane? Demented? Emo? Perhaps? Who knows, all i know is that for the first time, i have never felt more free in a sense... It's been two weeks since i last shed tears, and i've felt enclosed. Like i was gonna snap and anytime. I do have to admit, i'm being some stupid lil emo bitch right now but i just don't care. I need to get this out one way or another. That's what i said to myself earlier. Too many times have i hidden the fact that i cry, from certain people that is. In example...my best friend, Anunya kuyla Zeigler, I've been friend's with her for three years. We're closer than anything else right now, but before we weren't as close. Tonight i finally gathered up all the courage to call her while i was balling my eyes out. When i called her i started the conversation that we would usually have "Hey anna, what did you do today?" Well it went along the lines of that for about ten seconds. Then she stopped and asked me if i was crying. Then that broke into me confessing every last thing that i've kept hidden from her. What exactly happened between me and my last boyfriend. How i've had odd fasinations about this one girl. And how i feel about one person. She couldn't help me with my problems, and i was aware of that when i told her them. It was just good to get them out and tell her. In truth, i'm a somewhat enclosed person when it comes to my friends. They usually have the visionary of me being a somewhat hyperactive crazy person who has everything and anything she could possibly want or desire. But that would be exactly what i would want. I'm more of a sad emo fucker who's just downright angry and wants everything and can't have anything. I'm selfish, hateful, i hold grudges for too long, and i'm a liar. I'm not a very good person and that's something i can accept. But what really gets to me the most is, i have low self confidence for some things. I never really ever recall me being able to tell someone something embarassing about myself without regretting saying it. It makes me dizzy sometimes, and i hate it. But more onto the important factor. What i want the most, is to be able to tell everyone everything freely. How i feel about people, how i'd feel about a certain person. Anything like that, i know it's a tad bit chilche` but i feel like this is the situation where "we're just friends and that's all he/she wants.....to be JUST friends." I want to be more than JUST friends, something that i'm sure i'm far form but it doesn't matter anymore. I might as well obsess over that one model.....even though she can be a real bitch...-_-U

I'm really tired. I've been uber cold for the past three days. Not just cause of the weather i think there's somethin wrong with me. I mean i'm a mammal i'm s'pose to own some type of consistant body tempature that's like room tempature isn't it? But i've been really really really hella cold. It's like i'm dead or sumthin...I've gotten pale too! It's not like i wasn't before. But i look like some type of ghost. Who knows maybe it's cause i dyed my hair black *groans* I was hitting deep blue but my hair was too dark a color to begin with. I've been really worried about all of my friend's lately. Anna has ringworm so i'm nailing her ass about wearing sunblock all the time. Kristie keeps on getting in trouble because of me. I dunno, her dad's just some stick up the ass hick who's used to god praising yound ladies and it's a nail in his ass to see some raver bitch like me or sumthin. I've also been really pissed because i haven't spoken to michael in forever and whenever i do get to speak to him he's tired or sumthin and doesn't wanna talk. Sha-chan's worrying me too. I haven't spoken to her since the 5th and all so i'm worried. I can never get ahold of her or anything so i can't see how's she's doing...
Kristie's older sister is in love with geoff...*sneer* It pisses me off because i didn't wanna hear about him since the last thing he did to one of my friends. But now Cassie has to remind me of how he can be such a good guy and what not. Not something i wanna think about. OMIGAWD! I love kristie's brother Daren, he's like some huge anime fan with friggen cowboy bebop and samurai x posters covering his walls. He has a wooden sword and like three katana sets. I saw a katakana work sheet in his room wich sort of surprised me. He was wearing a pair of Sha-chan's bondage pants. The red and black one's with the bolt chains. I tugged on the chains and he just cocked his head to side an mumbled "Oro?". He's so nice ^_^ But he's always tired...*sniffs*
I finally have something on my children but i'm too lazy to post it ^_^U.

I think i made my mom cry or sumthin. It's cause i dyed my hair and now she thinks i'm some depressed emo fag or sumthin. She complained about how my god loving grandma who's been missing for 8 years of my life is gonna shit a brick when she sees me and all that good stuff. I don't care...*shrugs*
I got to visit Brandon....finally! He brought his snake to school and didn't get busted until after school was over. So now he has a 5 day weekend the lucky bastard. He scared the livin shit out of me with his ferrets. They crawled up my pant legs *shiver* but they were cute. I also got to see a picture of Tyler (his boyfriend) he's damned hot! Brandon says i'm the female version of Tyler and Albert ^_^. Wich is odd but anywho, bradon's mom looks just like angelina jolee (or whatever her name is) she's fuggin hot!
I got into a fight at school, verbal arguement and my parents threaten to send me to kentucky for some quality time with the old shits. *shudder* I got into a fight with some bitch named Tanesha...she had a problem with my bisexuality and i told her that she could just shove it because saying you have a problem with gays is like saying you have a problem with fuggin asians and black people. She just looked at me like i was crazy and made some fucked up remark about christianity and that i should look into it. After that it ended up in me screaming to her what the defenition of "diversity" was. Fuckin hip hopping bitches. They really do piss me off, so enclosed in their own little reality about how they're good people because they believe in god. But they really aren't good people because they have bad qualities and moral that are as shallow as the kiddy pool in my old apartment complexities.


Well i think imma go, i wanna get a utena BG! ^_^

-sam
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