Wednesday, January 12, 2005

   Wooo
YAY! I'm back back back from the grave grave grave....Did y'all miss me? Well i sure as hell missed y'all! ^^ Since i missed all of you so much i will demand that each of you write a five hundred word essay on how your winter vacation and new years was!! ^^;;; i hope everyone had a wonder vacation and new years..I didn't have a good one but i guess i can't complain!

I cut my hair off....It's really short now @.@ I also met brandon's uncle,albert, and damn is he hawt.

It doesn't work out though because i like him alot but i know he doesn't like me in that way. But all of my other friends like him and he's just gettin AAAAAAAAALLLLLLL the attention! *growls* oh well....no tears on the face of Sam 2!

Did i mention i met another Sam?!?

She's really cool and likes to set things on fire. I wanna get a picture of her but i'm too lazy to develope my film She also likes albert. But that's okay. Since she's my sempai i call her Sam 1 (thing 1) and i'm Sam 2 (thing 2)

I gots alot of stuff for x-mas. More than i imagined ^^

What did y'all get for x-mas?????


OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!!!!!!! Story time!!

Bloody Knees

A ferocious blush crept upon my cheeks as i lost myself in your warm embrace. I could smell year old Axe and ciggarette smoke on your dirty shirt. I always enjoyed the way you smelt though. It gave me a feeling of warmth and forgiveness. It makes me wonder how forgiveness fits in there.
That was the last day i got to make fun of you naturally flippy hair. The last day i got to dig my face into your hair and nibble on the back of your head. The last day i was allowed to hug you close to me and dream of something i could never really have.

It was all the same. I'd walk over to my bestfriends house after school against my parents will and hang out for awhile. I never really did stay out late until the day i started to follow you. That didn't matter much though...What i remember most was standing at the corners with Brandon, Sarah, Courtney, and Courtney's Little sister Ciara... We'd just stand at that corner and talk for the longest time....ten or maybe even fifteen mintues at a time. One time we stood there and just talked for twenty minutes and didn't go home until are shoes were soaked and squishy from the rain that pelted our dyed heads. It was all fun for me....and hopefully it was fun for them too.

I'd always get into trouble because of staying out too late. My dad thought i was doing drugs, smoking, or screwing you and your brother. Nah, that was the last thing i'd ever get to do.....excluding smoking....We'd just sit around, listen to music or watch Brandon get his ass kicked at final fantasy eight.
It was fun, most of the time if not all the time.. The days when sarah came over were even better. Even though somewhere withing my scarred chest i felt a slight pain that knawed at me. I felt lonely somehow, like i was lost and no one cared enough to look for me. That was just how i reacted in a way to things. I was going through alot at the time and couldn't do much about it. I just wanted someone to stand there and hold me for hours and hours.....that's all i really wanted.

There was even that time when i sat on Brandon's bathroom floor and cut my left arm up. That really irked Sarah. I was a bitch for doing it too. I could've waited until i went home to do it but i just had to do it then...there. That's what really set me off....Because i was a selfish bitch and didn't care about her feelings much less anyone else in that house. It wasn't too long after that when Sarah cut my hair for me...I just had to have it cut....it was killing me...

As i was walking home that night the same exact thought crossed my mind. The same exact image in my head. A cold stiff dead body that was placed inside a satin lined coffin. Half open even though his face was half mutilated. I didn't care much to tell Brandon that Kevin had been dead for quite sometime. It just didn't seem necessary. But what bothered me most was how you reminded me of him. sure brandon had the looks of him and the voice......but you had something else....the scent the characteristic...Even your smile reminded me of him. I know he did a bad thing to me....i mean, how could i still love him even after he raped and inpregnanted me? Even then, i still understood how much i loved him when i lost him.

I remember that night, the night i was informed he was dead. It was just after the first day of school. When i found out i didn't know how to react. So i just ran....i ran and ran and ran for miles and miles...Didn't stop to wait for the blurry lights from cars and buildings to focus in. Not for the old passerby who couldn't find his way. I didn't stop until the air in my lungs gagged me. As i belted over on my knees i let out a gasp. I was holding back hot tears the entire time i was gone.....wich could've been and hour....I just sat there...allowing the glass to dig into my knees...in the middle of a busy sidewalk on the strip...I just sat there and cried.....i cried and cried until my eyes were raw from the salty substance. All i remember was my mom taking me home after that..

That night that Sarah cut my hair.....i felt that pain return..Just as i was about to turn the corner into my small little coldasack...I felt my feet race after something. I was running again. My short black hair beat against my face and i ran. Ran past the park, past the old woman's house who had a stroke last saturday...Passed the place where i first met Kevin...This time....i stopped when i felt tears gushing down my face. The scars on my knees started to throb with the pain of a thousand tears....I fell again and allowed the torn scraps of metal and glass.....the tiny pebbles and acorns..dig through my denim jeans wich already had holes in the knees...And sat there.....crying and bleeding for hours and hours...

I know this may sound stupid...But i never really did find it inside me to say that i didn't care. I guess it's cause i really don't sometimes.....But when it comes to you....i think i could only wish that i didn't really care....

Tell me what you thing of my story about what happened over winter break, k? I hope to talk to y'all later! love love kisses hugs!

aishiteru!
Sam2
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