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myOtaku.com: red tigress


Thursday, January 1, 2004


   Before the quote...
I found this this morning on JoBlo's Movie Emporium.com, and I thought it was mighty funny and I think it deeply reflects most people's expectations towards movies. Remember this is NOT written by me! It's written by a GUY.

*****
Monica Bellucci's breasts will make cameo appearances in, at least, 12 different movies.

Spider-Man 2 will be as good as the trailer.

Project Greenlight will find a home and for once, make a worthwhile film.

Hollywood would realize that adding any number behind a popular movie title ISN'T the only thing required to create a "successful" film.

95% of all films will feature Jessica Biel and Keira Knightley. 50% of those films will be about lesbian lovers. (Not written by Tigress)

Eddie Murphy will realize he sucks ass and put the word "f*ck" back into his vocabulary.

Dimension Films would stop shortchanging genre fans and ACTUALLY release great films like BELOW and EQUILIBRIUM instead of f*cking them over in place of pieces of utter crap that will line their pockets with even MORE money. It's called "integrity" fellas...look into it.

They'll find a cure for drug overdoses and un-freeze John Belushi and Chris Farley.

Freddie Prince Jr. will stop whatever he's doing.

Peter Jackson will meet a man named Oscar.

Studios would stop watching Nick At Nite and TV Land for movie ideas.

Horror movies would actually be scary.

Jennifer Lopez will die in JERSEY GIRL (we feel good about this one).

George Romero would be paid royalties every time one of these new generation of zombie movies ripped him off.

Pixar would have to come out with a new film every two months.

The makers of GARFIELD would have to watch their horrible trailer 1billion times in a row, while sitting in a vat of acid.

Jack Black would never be in another PG-13 movie.

Andy Dick and Tom Green would fight to the death. We'd shoot the winner in the face.

Every time a production company comes out with a new edition of an already released DVD, they have to buy all our other copies on eBay.

Before Tim Burton makes another film he has to explain what the f*ck happened at the end of PLANET OF THE APES.

Male nudity scenes would be extinct.

Corey Feldman would still be in CURSED.

Nude statues of Salma Hayek would start popping up where you'd least expect.

Mike Myers would stop using that Scottish accent for every role he plays.

That CATWOMAN outfit would be a cruel joke.

Bruce Campbell would kill Michael Bay with a chainsaw.

Every male lead role must be offered to Johnny Depp first. Then to The Rock.

The following movies would start production: EVIL DEAD 4, THE SIMPSONS MOVIE, G.I. JOE, SILVER SURFER, FLETCH WON (with Jason Lee), THE HOBBIT, THE VEGA BROTHERS, 30 DAYS OF NIGHT, THE FAMILY GUY MOVIE, WATCHMEN, and anything with Phoebe Cates nude.

The following movies ideas would be burned: SE7EN 2, BLAIR WITCH 3, RUSH HOUR 3, SERIOUSLY DUDE, WHERE'S MY CAR, AMERICAN DIVORCE, anything with Madonna, BENNIFER: THE WEDDING, and 99% of all other sequels and remakes.


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