Saturday, February 7, 2009

slo mo
Slow motion:

Brendon Urie stood in the middle of an abandoned dirt covered section of a park. the unusually hot sunlight beamed down on him, he brought a tan hand up to cover his dark brown eyes as he squinted, searching for the boy who was supposed to meet him there.

Brendon shifted and kicked the dirt at his feet. he was growing more and more annoyed as the minutes slid by slow and hot like the days themselves. he ran his hand through his shaggy black hair and wiped away the sweat that was collecting at his brow.

he could hear someone approaching and he turned slightly, his thin white t-shirt clung to his thin body from the hot day. Brendon spotted a slightly chubby copper haired boy standing a few feet behind him. Brendon turned all the way to face the boy, a grimace on his handsome face.

"you made it Brent." Brendon said to the boy who was around the same age as himself. Brendon's voice held no emotion as he greeted the boy, he sounded more bored then anything. the boy named Brent fidgeted a little, either due to the uncomfortable heat or from the look that Brendon was giving him.

"hey-hey Brendon." Brent said with the fakest smile he could manage to muster. Brent looked past Brendon at the empty park, his pale hand came up to scratch at his neck absentmindly. "Brendon, do-do you remember this is the place? We used to come to smoke pot?" Brent asked and he laughed a nervous laugh as he stared at the other boy.

Brendon nodded and he vaugely recalled spending dying summer days huddled under the wooden jungle gym that used to sit in the far corner of the park, with Brent and Ryan. smoking until the three of them were too high to see and having to sit under that damn jungle gym until night fell when they'd be normal enough to go home. that had been five years ago, back when they were fourteen.

"yeah, I remember Brent." Brendon began as he scanned the park for any sign of other people, or shade. he found none of either. "but I'm not here to discuss the past." he told Brent, Brent grimaced and Brendon took a few steps forward towards Brent, closing the space between them.

"you're right Brendon." Brent muttered and again his pale hands scratched at his body, this time his one hand scratched at his wrist. Brendon could feel himself growing impatient. he was hot and just wanted to get down to business.

"did you bring the money you owe me Brent?" Brendon asked his voice showing his impatience with the situation. Brendon's eyes were fixed on Brent and Brent squirmed under Brendon's strong gaze. Brendon had lent Brent a few hundered dollars, three to be exact a few months ago. two weeks after he had lent Brent the money that he no doubt used on some hardcore drugs, or paying off his drug dealers, he asked Brent to pay him back, but there was always an excuse and Brent never had the money.

Brendon always considered himself a patient man but with his own needs coming to light his patience for Brent quickly wore thin. Brendon could already tell by the look in Brent's light brown eyes and body language that he didn't have the money. he felt his insides grow hot and he waited for Brent's useless excuse to spill from his equally useless lips.

"well no, but I mean I have a good reason Brendon!" Brent began and Brendon let out a sigh. the same heat he had felt inside him from before came rushing back and bubbled thick in his stomach and veins. he was so fucking tired of people using him, of people like Brent who always took and took but never gave anything back in return.

Brendon's mind felt fuzzy as Brent's excuse spilled over him. it didn't matter what Brent said, Brendon knew it was a lie anyway and that if Brent wanted to pay him back then he would've already.

"goddamn it Brent." Brendon muttered as he felt his heart pick up pace and his blood boil. Brendon wasn't sure why he did it but in an instant he had reached his hand down into the waistline of his dark jeans and pulled out the shinning silver handgun. he saw Brent's eyes grow large and fill with fear but he didn't stop and he didn't hesitate, not even when Brent began to beg.

Brent turned away from Brendon, he turned to run back the way he had entered the park, red dust clouds floating up around Brent's legs staining his jeans. Brendon never thought of himself as a good shot so he considered it luck when he aimed at Brent and pulled the trigger and hit the young man.

he watched the boy as if he were in slow motion. he stopped and he could see the bullet enter Brent's body through his chest. his pale flesh exploding over his dark t-shirt. Brent fell, again like he was caught in slow motion, with a thump to the dirt covered earth.

Brendon stopped, his breath coming in quick bursts. he stared at Brent's motionless body for a good minute and a half before he slowly tucked the gun away, back into the waist line of his jeans. he hadn't brought it to shoot Brent, no the idea hadn't really even crossed his mind. he carried the gun always, for protection. it had become a habit for the young man.

Brendon left the park, his legs moving slowly. he passed by Brent's body keeping his eyes fixed on his one time friend. Brent wasn't moving but his eyes were open and it sent a slight chill down Brendon's spine. a pool of crimson blood was already showing in a circle around Brent's body. Brendon made his way out of the abandoned park and up the slight hill where his beat up car sat parked near the park enterance.

as he got into the driver's seat and started the ignition he thought about what had just happened. he had just killed someone...at least he thought that Brent was dead. he wasn't sure and he wasn't going back to check. he hadn't meant to shoot Brent and he definitly hadn't meant to kill him but now that he did he wasn't too keen on going to jail so he wasn't going to call the cops either.

as he drove down the sparsley occupied streets he figured he'd get caught anyway. someone was bound to go down to that park sooner or later and discover Brent's body and he was sure that Brent had probably mentioned to someone that he was going to meet up with Brendon. yeah, Brendon was sure that now the cops were gonna get him.

he arrived home about ten minutes later after passing by the local high school where Brent's mom still taught english class, the same class that Brent and Brendon himself had taken only a year ago. Brendon's house was a rundown little two bedroom but it was all he could afford.

he parked his car and brushed his black bangs out of his eyes as he made his way up to the side door. he pushed the door open as he never bothered to lock it anyway. Brendon's feet echoed against the naked walls and the wooden floors. he passed by the modest kitchen and his own room. he would've went inside had he not noticed a pair of feet dangling off the blue broken down sofa.

Brendon entered the small living room. he was facing the back of the couch so he couldn't quite tell who it was making themselves comfortable in his house. he placed his slightly shaking hands on the back of the couch and looked down, his hair falling down to frame his handsome face.

there laying streched out on the couch was another of his friends. Pete stared up at him, his brown eyes holding only a hint of surprise. Brendon flashed a small smile at the significantly older man.

"sleeping off a hangover Wentz?" Brendon asked and it was Pete's turn to grin.

"maybe I was just waiting for you." Pete said his large white teeth glinting in the dirty light. Brendon reached a hand down and brushed it against Pete's gorgeously tan cheek.

"maybe you just want another fix?" Brendon asked as he leaned down over the couch his face close to Pete's. Pete reached up and cupped Brendon's face with one hand and the other wrapped around his arm.

"yeah, that could be it." Pete whispered as he pulled Brendon down and their lips met in a small kiss. somehow Pete had managed to pull Brendon over the back of the couch so that Brendon was resting on top of him and between his clothed legs.

Pete was all the things Brendon liked. on his good side Pete was witty, funny, a fucking poetic genius, loyal, and kind twenty six year old. on his bad side Pete was a self hating, insecure, needy, attention whore, junkie. either way Brendon liked Pete's company. he had known Pete now for a good two years and Brendon would never classify what he and Pete did as dating but the two of them were in an on and off relationship.

the two of them continued their hot kisses until Pete pulled away to peel off Brendon's sweat soaked t-shirt. despite how hot it was in the house and the sweat building from the two of them, Pete was wearing a gray stained hoodie with a red t-shirt underneath, tight black jeans and scuffed up black converse sneakers. Brendon figured it was all the drugs that entered Pete's system that now left his body a jumbled mess that was invincible to climates and weather.

Brendon ran one of his hands through Pete's shock of messy black straight ironed hair and his other hand ran along the man's cheek smuding the dark black eyeliner he wore. his hands then roamed to the back pocket of his own jeans where he fished out a small baggie of white powder. Pete grinned and reached for the baggie but Brendon pulled it away, just out of Pete's reach. Pete pouted but Brendon sat up on Pete's legs and opened the baggie before he poured a bit of it on to the top of his hand.

Pete watched as Brendon leaned down took a deep breath and snorted the line of powder off his own hand. he pulled back, his nose dusted in the fine powder and Brendon grinned. he repeated the process for Pete who too snorted his bit of blow and smiled sastisfied temporarily with this small fix. Brendon's hands then roamed down to Pete's white cracked belt that he quickly undid.

about an hour later Pete and Brendon were laying in Brendon's bed. Pete finally ridded of all his clothes and covered only by Brendon's crumpled white bed sheet. Brendon laid against the headboard of the bed as he caught his breath. he could feel Pete moving closer to him and he was half tempted to push the man away because he didn't want Pete's hot body clinging to him when it was already ninty degrees in his room, but he let the man lay against him anyway.

"Brendon." he heard Pete start and Brendon looked down at him.

"yeah?" he asked as he brushed Pete's dark bangs out of his eyes.

"can I have my fix now?" he asked and Brendon wasn't surprised that Pete was asking for it. he expected it from the moment he saw Pete on his couch. Brendon nodded silently and he scooted away from the older man, throwing the covers back and letting the slightly cooler air hit his naked body.

Brendon reached for the bottom drawer of his nightstand, pulling it open as Pete sat up and half draped himself on Brendon's back. Brendon pulled out a small square mirror that was covered in a fine white residue, he set the mirror on the bed and reached back down before coming back up with a medium sized baggie filled with cocaine and a jug filled with drain cleaner.

Brendon laid the supplies out in front of him on the bed while Pete practically drooled at his side. he poured a reasonable amount out on to the mirror before he opened the drain cleaner bottled and poured a good amount of that into the cap, he then dumped the cap full of drain cleaner into the cocaine and mixed it up before he cut it into two lines, one for him and one for Pete.

Brendon let Pete snort his line first. he liked watching how it changed him, how he'd be happier and calmer on the outside but his insides would be like they were put through a mixer. Pete dipped his head and snorted his line pulling back with a sastified noise. Brendon then snorted his line, he did cocaine a lot but not as often as some of the people he knew and definitly not as much as Pete did it. but the high got him off so he kept doing it.

when Brendon looked back at Pete he saw that the man's nose was bleeding the most beautiful shade of ruby red that Brendon had ever had the luck to see. part of him wished he had a camera in this moment to take a photo of Pete in all his junkie perfection, but the other part of Brendon was reminded that this was the second time in the day that he had seen blood. he made a note to himself how Pete's blood was a hell of a lot more brighter then Brent's was.

after Pete let the cocaine sink in he came over and kissed Brendon, a kiss with too much tongue. Pete crawled off the bed and began gathering his clothes from the floor, he dressed quickly because that's what the coke did to him. when he was fully dressed he came over to Brendon once more, leaned down and placed a chaste kiss on the boy's full lips.

"I love you always Brendon." Pete said as he shrugged on his hoodie and lingered by Brendon's door, almost as if he were waiting for a reply. Brendon just laughed, a short shallow laugh and Pete echoed it back before he left the room. Brendon listened as Pete's footsteps echoed throughout the small house and he heard the front door open and close with a sharp snap. Brendon wondered if Pete was off to find Patrick.

it was five minutes later when Brendon was dressed again, at least slightly dressed he had pulled on his cotton boxers and a new white t-shirt. Brendon traveled out into the living room again, this time he headed towards the window pulling back one of the dark green curtains to peer out at the decaying urban life that surrounded him.

he closed the curtains and headed to the kitchen where he grabbed a beer and took a long drawn out swig. Brendon heard a stifled moan coming from the living room and he turned to see Ryan standing against the archway in the kitchen. Brendon lowered the beer from his lips and stared at Ryan.

his brown eyes were glassy but focused on Brendon. Ryan was desheveled, his white dress shirt was missing buttons, ripped, and stained in different places, he was wearing a pair of black shorts, and a pair of red bath slippers that Brendon had gotten him for christmas back when they were sixteen. it looked like Ryan had tried to dress himself again.

"bre-Bren-don" Ryan managed to slurr out as he raised his arms out like he wanted to hug Brendon. Brendon sighed and moved closer to the boy who was a year and a half older then himself.

"hi, Ryan." Brendon said to the brown haired boy. Ryan smiled because Brendon acknowledged him. his arms still outstreched he reached for Brendon.

"r-rya-Ryan-mi-miss-Bren-Bren-Brendon." Ryan slurred as he edged himself closer to Brendon. Brendon stopped and thought about what Ryan had just said. he supposed that it had been around two days since he had last been home. Brendon had been staying at Gabe's place. Brendon usually knew better then to leave Ryan alone for too long.

Brendon can remember the days back when he was fourteen and he smoked pot for the first time. it had been Ryan's idea and it had been Ryan who had gotten the pot from the older guy who went to their high school, a guy named Joe. Brendon can remember Ryan showing up overly excited while Brendon and Brent had been in Brendon's room playing video games and eating junk food. it had been Ryan who talked them into doing it, who told them to go down to the semi-abandoned park and try smoking pot under the wooden jungle gym.

Brendon had agreed to do it, out of curiousity. he hadn't know then that, that one action would set him on the drug induced path for the next five years of his life he might've let Brent and Ryan go at it alone.

the more Brendon thought about it the more he realized that it was always Ryan who would investigate the drugs first. when they were fifteen he moved on to cocaine while Brendon and Brent still smoked pot under the jungle gym, then it was heroine, then crystal meth, painkillers, hardcore booze, then Ryan moved on to more abstract forms of getting high, like huffing, and cough syrup. even when he mixed most of those things he still came out fine in the end.

but in the spring after he turned seventeen, Ryan began doing the drug that would make him what he was today. Ryan began eating paint chips. Brendon had caught him doing it outside in the backyard and told him what a stupid fuck he was, Ryan lied and said he'd quit but he didn't. he kept doing it and he got worse until one day Brendon woke him up and found that he just wasn't right, Brendon found out that it had been a guy named Travis that had turned Ryan on to paint chips.

Brendon beat Travis' ass before he took Ryan to the hospital. the doctor's kept Ryan in the examination room for three hours before they released him and told Brendon that the paint had caused brain damage. Ryan was legally handicapped now. Brendon hadn't believed it at first. his best friend was no longer the same person. Brendon watched Ryan as he sat in the wheelchair as the doctor's explained to Brendon that someone would now have to take care of Ryan.

it was that day that Ryan became a permanent resident in Brendon's apartment. often Brendon would look at the shell of a person that Ryan had become and he would wonder if somewhere deep inside the real Ryan still existed. he thought that, that might be the case. after all sometimes it seemed that Ryan was still there and that he wanted to do all the things he used to do, like when he and Ryan would hook up. sometimes when Brendon was helping Ryan, Ryan would try to kiss him because he remembered that they used to do it.

four years later and still Ryan was like that and if Brendon had had any hope that Ryan would be normal again it had all but disappeared by now. Ryan was gone, he was replaced by this mirror version who was sick and insane and needed help getting dressed.

Brendon pressed himself into Ryan's shaking arms and Ryan put his chin up on Brendon's shoulder and Brendon could feel him smiling. "ah-ah-bre-Brendon." Ryan spit out as he wrapped his arms around Brendon.

"I'm sorry Ryan, sorry I left you alone." Brendon told him but he doubted that Ryan understood. Ryan pulled back a bit and looked Brendon in the face.

"Bren-Brendon-ki-kiss-rya-Ryan?" Ryan asked as he attempted to place his mouth on Brendon's but Brendon pulled away and shook his head.

"no, Brendon no kiss Ryan." Brendon began as he looked at Ryan's face. Ryan was still good looking but it didn't matter, no way in hell would Brendon take advantage of the mentally ill Ryan Ross. "Brendon, kiss Pete." Brendon added hoping that maybe Ryan would get the hint.

Brendon's plan backfired and instead of understanding Ryan got angry and pushed Brendon away. "bu-but-Ryan-lov-loves-Bren-Bren-Brendon." Ryan yelled and again Brendon shook his head. "no, Ryan no love Brendon and Brendon no love Ryan." he told him maybe too bluntly and Brendon blamed it on the cocaine he had ingested five minutes earlier. Ryan didn't like this answer either so he resorted to all he knew, he started screaming.

Ryan's screams were earshattering and Brendon winced as he began to howl at the top of his lungs. Brendon felt panicky now, he didn't want one of their neighbors to hear Ryan screaming and think that Brendon was hurting him and call the police. the last people Brendon wanted to see today was the police.

Brendon quickly placed his hands on Ryan's shoulders and attempted to lead him back to his room. Ryan fought the whole way but Brendon managed to overpower him and he pushed him into the medium sized room and slammed the door shut, locking it as Ryan continued to scream and bang on the wooden door. Brendon locked the door and slid down it his arms on his knees as he listened to Ryan shouting words now.

"ry-Ryan-lov-love-Brendon." he screamed it over and over again until Brendon felt like his skull would explode. he was losing his high quickly so he moved away from the door and went back into his bedroom where he fished his cell phone out of the pocket of the jeans he had been wearing earlier that day. Brendon dialed a number and held the phone to his ear as a smooth voice picked up.

"William can you bring me some?" Brendon asked into the phone.

it took William ten minutes to get to Brendon's house. Brendon was holed up in the bathroom, it was the only place in the house where Brendon couldn't hear Ryan's screaming that well. William came into the house and called out for Brendon, the dark haired boy telling him to come into the bathroom.

moments later William and Brendon were sitting in the bathroom. Brendon was seated on top of the toliet seat while William was sitting on the black and white tile floor with his long legs spread out and his back pressed against the wall. the two of them were quiet and they could faintly hear Ryan screaming.

William ran a hand through his wavy shoulder length brown hair before he reached into a black bag he brought along with him. Brendon watched William, William had really girly features and hips to match. he was also handsome and pretty smart, Brendon thought that he could be doing something far better with his time if he tried.

William pulled out a needle and a vial that was filled with a yellowish white substance, he loaded up the needle and handed it over to Brendon along with a thick rubber material. William leaned up on his knees and tied the rubber material tight around Brendon's forearm. Brendon loaded up the needle and tapped it with his finger. William settled back into his spot on the floor, his dark eyes seemed to peer into Brendon's soul.

"do you really need that?" William asked, his voice a slow drawl.

"do I really need to shoot smack into my veins?" Brendon asked as he pressed down on the plunger and injected the drugs into his veins. William nodded. "it helps me deal with Ryan." Brendon answered him. there is a silence and they can still hear Ryan. "wouldn't you?" Brendon asked William.

William shrugged and Brendon grinned as he pulled out the needle and rubber material and handed it back to William. it figures he had to get the drug dealer with a concious. William changed the needle and loaded up another vial of the substance for himself. Brendon flexed his fingers as he felt his veins begin to feel fuzzy.

Brendon closed his eyes as he held his free hand to the place he had just injected himself in. he leaned back against the toliet and he could hear the sound of William injecting himself and the sastisfied sigh he let out. the duo was silent for at least five minutes before either of them said anything.

"these are the days we're going to remember." Brendon said and William cracked his eyes open to look at the younger boy.

"pardon me?" he asked and Brendon smiled a sad sort of smile.

"it's what Ryan used to say while we were doing drugs." Brendon told him. "he used to say that these moments, these days were the ones that we were gonna remember. now look at him, he's a fucking special-ed kid. what fucking irony." Brendon finished and he could almost laugh at how ridiculous it all was.

"Patrick thinks Pete is clean." William said three minutes later and now it was Brendon's turn to look surprised.

"are you serious?" Brendon asked as the memory of he and Pete doing coke came floating back into his mind.

"yeah, he and Pete were getting serious but then Patrick told him he couldn't do drugs anymore but Pete knew he couldn't stop so he just hides it." William said as he slid a little lower down the wall. Brendon suddenly felt that same old guilt that he had felt earlier that day but this time it was mixed with a bit of jealousy. he didn't love Pete but he liked when they got together and now Brendon felt like he was just being used by Pete, he felt like the drugs.

"do you think we could ever stop living this way will?" Brendon asked, he looked at William when he didn't get an answer and he saw that William was laying on his side on the bathroom floor, seemingly passed out. Brendon knew that he was okay because he could see the rise and fall of William's chest.

Brendon stood and left William in the bathroom, he left the door open in case William woke up. Brendon made his way back into the living room and he noticed that the house had once again regained it's quiet composure. Ryan had stopped screaming. Brendon went back to the kitchen to grab another beer.

he then went to the couch and plopped down, he rested there and thought about sleeping for awhile but he was high and he didn't want to waste it. suddenly Brendon heard a different kind of screaming coming from outside, it definitly wasn't Ryan. Brendon moved to the window that faced to the neighbor's house on the right, that's where it sounded like the screaming was coming from.

he pulled back the ragged curtain and looked out into the bright day. from his window he could see through to his neighbor's house. the two windows were alinged and Brendon could see into Jon and Spencer's living room.

currently he could see Jon who was a tall a muscular man, he thought that Jon mentioned that he had played football in high school, he had dark brown hair that was shaved into a buzzcut and a scruffy brown beard. he could also see Spencer who was a few years younger then Jon and about the same age as Brendon, maybe younger. Spencer had medium short brown hair that was always nicely styled, he also had a round babyish face and a thinner frame then Jon but a bulkier frame then Brendon.

Brendon could see Jon standing , his face contorted into an angry mask of rage. he could also see that Jon's hand was tangled into the collar of Spencer's shirt. Spencer was also standing, more like being held into a standing position by Jon. his face looked scared and he had his hands up in an defensive position.

Brendon could tell that the two men were arguing about something. it looked more like Jon yelling at Spencer and Spencer trying his best to calm his older boyfriend down. something Spencer said must've upset Jon more then he already was because as Brendon was standing there he saw Jon pull back his fist and bring it around to strike Spencer squarely in the jaw. Spencer probably would've fallen if not for Jon holding him into place.

Jon pulled back the same fist again before Spencer could recover from the first blow. he slammed his large fist into Spencer's face again, Spencer's head snapping to the side. Spencer knew what was happening and was now begging, Brendon could tell. he was begging for Jon to stop. Jon responded by punching Spencer three more times in a role. all the blows were directed at Spencer's face. Spencer was crying as Jon beat him viciously and Brendon watched.

it just occured to Brendon to call the police, this wasn't the first time this had happened. he had heard the two men fight before but he had never witnessed it and he felt a sick feeling in his stomach as he thought of what was happening to Spencer. Brendon grabbed his cell and began dialing before he suddenly hung up the phone. he wanted to call but it was the cop deal again. he didn't want cops near him if they didn't have to be. ecspecially with a passed out drug dealer in his bathroom, cocaine residue in his bedroom, and a mentally ill twenty year old boy locked in his spare bedroom.

Brendon moved back to the window to make sure that Jon hadn't killed Spencer yet. Spencer was now on his knees, his head lolling side to side and his arms defensivly over his head. Jon was still swinging on the younger boy and Brendon's eyes caught his fist. he watched as Jon's fist had an arc as he swung and Brendon found it oddly beautiful. suddenly Jon looked over directly at Brendon as if he knew he were watching the whole time.

instantly he dropped Spencer, who fell back out of sight of the window. Jon's eyes were connected with Brendon's for half a minute and there was a look of fear and anger in Jon's eyes that made Brendon scared and sad at the same time. Brendon dropped the curtain and blocked Jon from his mind. he only hoped that Jon wouldn't touch Spencer out of fear that he would have the police called on him.

Brendon moved back to the couch and flopped down on it. it still smelled like Pete from earlier. Brendon closed his eyes and imagined Pete at home with Patrick, snuggled into Patrick's arms and how Pete could so easily lie to and cheat on Patrick.

Brendon felt a little strange, he supposed it could've been that he hadn't mixed so many drugs in his system in a long time, or it could be that he was realizing that he was just as bad as Jon. Brendon had killed Brent at 1:00 that afternoon. how was he any different from Jon? Jon beat Spencer because Jon hated his life, Brendon killed Brent because Brent couldn't give him the money that he needed to sustain the life he hated living.

as Brendon sat and though about things he thought that it felt like death was hovering around him, because he had killed Brent he had called attention to himself in death's eyes. he was a mark and Brendon felt that he wouldn't live much longer. it was just a feeling he was having, it could just be the drugs but it felt more real then that. Brendon didn't think he would mind too much if he died. what did he really have to live for anyway?

the only thing he could even think of was Ryan but maybe if he was dead Ryan would get the care he really needed and deserved. he was sure that he'd miss Pete but Pete would have Patrick to comfort him. everyone else had someone, or at least something to comfort them. Brendon wouldn't be missed for too long. hell the life he was leading he already felt dead so why not just make it legit?

Brendon didn't feel like being philisophical any longer so he stood and left his house with his cell phone in hand. he thought about driving but he knew it wasn't smart to drive after shooting up. Brendon decided on walking. he passed by William's sleek dark blue sports car on the way out the driveway.

he trudged down the empty sidewalks, his sneakers slapping against the hot pavement. Brendon passed by Jon and Spencer's house and he kept his eyes locked on the clone of his own two bedroom house. it was quiet so Brendon hoped that meant that Spencer was recovering somewhere away from Jon.

after ten minutes of walking Brendon grew overly tired and began to regret his decision to walk. he stopped on a street corner and leaned against a stop sign as he pulled out his cell phone and dialed another number. Andy's voice filled Brendon's ears a few moments later.

"hey, Andy it's Brendon." Brendon greeted his friend

"hey, Bren what's up?" Andy asked and Brendon could tell that he was in his car and probably driving.

"I'm on delancy street...I'm high and I kinda need a ride." Brendon told him and he only felt a bit of shame as he confessed to Andy. Brendon heard Andy sigh a little and mutter something to someone else before he answered him.

"alright, I'll come get you." he told him and Brendon thanked him as he hung up the phone.


chapter two: he tastes like E only sweeter

five minutes later Andy's black buick rounded the corner Brendon was standing on and parked in front of him. Brendon could see Andy was driving, his black glasses glinting in the light, Joe, one of Andy's oldest friends and the guy who initially supplied Ryan with his first bag of weed, was seated in the front passenger seat, while Matt another of Andy's old friends was seated behind Andy in the backseat.

Brendon opened the door to the backseat and slid into the car behind Joe and next to Matt.

"hey, little Bren-Bren Urie. long time no see." Joe said as he turned to look at Brendon. Brendon could tell by the glazed look of Joe's hazel eyes that he was high and he could tell by the light giggle that emitted from Matt that he was high too. Andy wasn't high though. as usual Andy was the straight man in this group of addicts. he never did drugs or drank or anything like that and it was a miracle that Andy even put up with his junkie group of friends.

"what are you guys up to?" Brendon asked as he laid his head back on the soft seats and eyed Andy and Joe.

"I'm driving these two around until their high's wear off because Patrick doesn't want them around while they're stoned out of their minds." Andy told Brendon as he put the car into gear and drove down the shaded road.

"ah" Brendon said as he closed his eyes. he had forgotten that Andy and Joe lived with Patrick. Patrick drank but didn't do a lot of other stuff. he was pretty boring in Brendon's eyes, but Brendon could picture Patrick at home with Pete and the way Pete always let Patrick take care of him. Brendon felt a spark of jealousy but it was pushed away as he felt a warm hand on his shoulder.

he opened his warm brown eyes to see Matt peering at him, his own brown eyes wide and dialated. Brendon noticed that the car had stopped moving and Joe and Andy were missing from the front seat.

"hey...where's Andy and Joe?" Brendon asked as he sat up and looked at where the car was parked. they were parked out in front of local supermarket, he really didn't need an answer now but Matt gave one anyway.

"their inside buying some food." Matt said as he smiled at Brendon and Brendon liked his smile. he was thankful that Andy had left the car running and that the air conditoner was on. after a moment Brendon noticed that Matt's hand still lingered on his shoulder and he looked down at it. Matt had nice hands and dark skin and hair. it was strange that for the first time Brendon noticed that Matt kinda looked like Pete.

"hey Brendon, do you want some E?" Matt asked quietly and calmly as if he were talking about the weather. Brendon perked up and looked over at the older boy.

"ecstasy?" Brendon asked as he looked over at Matt. Matt nodded and pulled a small silver tin out of his jeans pocket before he placed it on his knee and flicked the top open. there in the tin sat ten to fifteen small white circular tablets. Matt picked out two of the tablets, his fingers nimble and long.

Matt turned to Brendon and handed him the tablet. Brendon held his hand out the tablet laying in the middle of his palm. he observed it, his eyes catching on the pink heart that had been made onto the tablet.

Brendon's eyes caught Matt and he watched as the handsome boy down the pill and ran a hand through his short black hair. Brendon looked at Matt as he looked back at him, he eyed the tablet and pressed it into his mouth as he swallowed it down.

it didn't take long for the drug to take effect and maybe it was just the E but it felt like time had slowed to a crawl and Joe and Andy were no where to be found. Brendon was feeling giddy for the first time that day, that's part of the reason he decided to take the ecstacy. it was all so he could forget the self-induced horrors he had witnessed that day.

Brendon felt his heart beating fast and he felt a hand again on his shoulder. he turned and saw Matt and felt a giddy explosion like that of a teenaged girl who saw her crush in the hallway at school. Matt had a nice smile, he was pretty hot. Brendon hung around with Matt a few times before but he had never really noticed how attractive he was till now.

Matt was smiling at him and he moved in towards Brendon and Brendon didn't stop him as their lips touched and he liked it. Matt was softer then Pete but rougher then Ryan, it was a good combination. he felt a hand come up to the back of his neck and pulled him deeper into the kiss, Matt's tongue was hot against his and his fingers were thrumming against Brendon's chest.

he let it all happen, Brendon let Matt straddled him in the backseat of Andy's car, he let Matt kiss his way down his neck and his hand push up his shirt. Brendon let Matt slide down between Brendon's legs and undo Brendon's jeans.

Brendon couldn't decide on where it was that he should direct his attention. he could either watch the enterance of the store in the event that Andy and Joe came strolling out, or he could keep his gaze fixed on Matt.

he was grinning as he stuck his tanned hands into Brendon's jeans and pulled out Brendon's erect cock. Brendon decided that he'd much rather watch Matt then the white washed enterance to the supermarket. he let out a groan as Matt wrapped his mouth around Brendon's cock.

instantly Brendon brought his hands up to Matt's hair and let his fingers weave through it, almost like he was petting him. he heard Matt make a sastisfied noise and Brendon's head fell back a bit as Matt slid down his member. he panted as Matt worked him over and Matt's eyes were locked on Brendon's. it turned Brendon on more to see Matt looking at him and he wasn't sure how long he could last, the E had made all his senses heightened and it was all too good and fuzzy and he felt like he wanted Matt's mouth to go on forever.

"oh fuck Matt!" Brendon cried as he came, his hands pressing Matt's mouth down onto him. he let up a second later and Matt pulled his mouth off of Brendon. Matt wiped his mouth and leaned up to press his mouth to Brendon's.

Brendon kissed back his mind awashed with the E and the afterglow of an orgasm. Brendon wanted to return the favor with Matt and Matt probably would've let him had Andy and Joe not walked out pushing a cart full of grocery bags. Brendon, with the help of Matt. tucked himself back into his jeans and tried to look like he hadn't just gotten a blowjob.

Andy and Joe piled the grocery bags into the trunk before getting into the car.

"sorry it took so long you guys." Andy said as he looked back at Brendon and Matt before putting the car into gear.

"it's okay love." Matt said as he leaned up and placed a kiss on Andy's temple. Andy laughed and shooed him away before pulling out of the supermarket parking lot.

Brendon knew the E would last for the next three hours at least but he figured when it did wear off he would feel guilty about getting a blowjob from Andy's boyfriend.


chapter three: of police cars and dinners

after driving to a movie theather parking lot, sitting there for an hour and a half and devouring three bags of chips Brendon felt happy. Joe and Matt's highs had both come down, except for Matt's high on E.

"alright I think we can finally go home now." Andy said as he started the car.

"you coming with us Brendon? or you wanna go home?" Joe asked as he turned to face Brendon. Brendon had to resist the urge to reach out and play with Joe's curly mop of hair.

"I'd better go home...Ryan you know?" he said and Andy and Joe nodded. yeah, Brendon blamed Ryan but it was also because he didn't want to go and see Patrick and Pete together and happy.

so Andy headed back towards Brendon's house. Brendon's face pressed against the cool glass of the backseat window. the day had cooled down now that it was almost seven at night but the golden light of the day still washed down around them. Brendon kept his face looking out the window. he didn't want to look at Matt because he was afraid he might kiss him and he was still kinda tempted to play with Joe's hair.

they pulled up to Brendon's house fifteen minutes later and Brendon noticed that William's car was gone. he said goodbye to his friends and he noticed that Matt's eyes lingered a little too long on Brendon as he got out of the car. Brendon waved them off as he walked up the driveway and he heard the rumble of Andy's car driving down the road.

Brendon was almost in the door when he heard his name being called out. he turned his head and saw Spencer walking over to him. his strides were slow and his arms were crossed and tucked into himself. Brendon turned toward Spencer and walked towards him, meeting Spencer halfway across the yard.

the two of them stood out in Brendon's front yard. "what's up Spencer?" Brendon asked as he surveyed Spencer's face. Spencer was sporting a deep black bruise on his right eye and it showed bright on his pale skin despite Spencer pulling his long brown bangs down to cover it, Brendon could see it clearly enough.

"oh um..nothing much Brendon. it's just that while you were gone the cops stopped by your place." Spencer said as he carefully avoided eye contact with Brendon. if Brendon didn't already know that Spencer was getting abused by Jon he would've guessed that something was wrong by the way the boy carried himself.

he looked something like an injured puppy in Brendon's eyes. he was wearing a gray jacket that was at least two sizes too big and hung baggy off of Spencer's frame. he was also wearing baggy jeans and a black belt and no shoes, his pale feet burried in Brendon's overgrown front yard.

"the cops?" Brendon asked trying not to sound like he was guilty.

"yeah, I was outside when they stopped by and they asked if you lived here. I told them you did...they said they'd be back to see you tomorrow Brendon." Spencer said as he pushed his hair out of his face a bit before snuggling his arms into his body once again.

"oh, well uh thanks for telling me Spencer." Brendon said and he thought about reaching out and patting him on the shoulder but he didn't. Spencer nodded and turned to walk back to his own yard. "wait! Spencer." Brendon called out to the boy stopping him mid step. he turned and glanced back at Brendon.

"what is it Brendon?" Spencer asked, his voice sounding just as tired as his body looked. Brendon looked past Spencer into the driveway of Spencer's place, he noticed that Jon's pick up truck was missing.

"uh, where's Jon?" Brendon asked lightly. he wasn't sure if Jon had told Spencer that Brendon had witness the beating that Spencer took earlier that afternoon. he saw Spencer's face dip down into a frown as he turned to look at his own rundown home.

"he's...staying at his sister's place for awhile." Spencer told Brendon, his eyes dark and his brow creased.

"oh" Brendon said, he was thankful that Jon was gone from Spencer and he betted that it was the sudden showing up of the cops that had scared Jon away. Spencer stood there as if expecting a follow up question from Brendon but Brendon himself couldn't think of any think else to say.

"well, I-I better go." Spencer said as he motioned towards his house. Brendon nodded.

"yeah, same here. I gotta go make dinner." Brendon told him. Spencer waved as he headed back to his place, he waved back and Brendon watched him for a moment before he too turned and headed into the door on the side of the house.

when Brendon entered his house he noticed that it smelt nicer, as though someone had been cooking. a panic took him as he feared that maybe Ryan had gotten out of his room and attempted to cook something. but Brendon didn't see any smoke or fire so he doubted that he had.

as Brendon rounded the corner he saw a large black pot sitting on the scuffed up wooden dining table along with a note. he picked up the note and saw William's messy, lazy handwritting.

"Brendon,

I woke up and noticed you were gone. I also noticed that Ryan was locked in his room and probably hungry so I let him out and made some dinner. I guess you owe me.

love, William B. "

Brendon set the note down and peered into the pot seeing what looked like soup. he scooped some out and poured it on the white china plate that sat next to the pot. again he was reminded of William's concious, which had to be stronger then any of the people he hung out with.

he set the plate down and walked over to Ryan's room which was unlocked. he knocked once before pushing it open and walking inside. Ryan was laying on his bed on his stomach, his face turned towards the small tv. he was grinning at the children's television show he was watching.

"Ryan, I'm home." Brendon said gently and Ryan turned suddenly to face Brendon.

"Bren-Brendon!" Ryan said as he hopped up off the bed and headed towards Brendon. Ryan opened his arms once again and Brendon let him hug him tightly. he forgot, he kept forgetting that Ryan wasn't the same as other twenty one year olds. he was more like a four year old. he forgot often that Ryan needed him, that Ryan was loney and missed him and no amount of drugs could take away the guilt he felt in that moment.

Ryan pulled away from Brendon and instead he took Brendon's hand tightly in his own two hands. Brendon peered into Ryan's room. for the most part Ryan's room had been left the same as it was before he damaged his brain. Brendon let out a small sigh as memories came flooding back of time spent cuddled in the bed with Ryan as he talked about the things he hoped to do in the future.

"Bren-Brendon hu-hungry?" Ryan asked and Brendon nodded. he allowed Ryan to lead him to the kitchen, where the duo sat down and Brendon ate as Ryan talked and then he talked to Ryan for the first time in the long time. after dinner he and Ryan went and laid on the floor, Ryan cuddled close to Brendon and Brendon attempting to sleep off the drugs.


chapter four: gabriel the archangel

Brendon woke up the next morning on his back with Ryan clinging to his side. he rolled away from the sleeping Ryan. he sat, his back against the couch. Brendon ran a hand through his black slightly dirt hair. the sunlight poured white and hot through the living room windows.

Brendon's eyes were heavy and his head throbbed. he basically felt like shit run over twice. but it was always that way when he got up in the morning. the morning was the only time in the day he was sober. it was the time that Brendon really felt like the way he used to be, but now he needed something to make himself feel normal. he took one last look at Ryan who was still asleep on the floor before he went to snort some coke.

Brendon only shook a little after snorting the cocaine. Ryan woke up about an hour later and followed Brendon around the small house as he made breakfast for the two of them. fifteen minutes later Ryan was eating happily and Brendon looked out the pulled up shades and saw Spencer sitting on the porch outside. seeing Spencer suddenly reminded Brendon that the cops had said that they were going to come back today.

Brendon felt that same slight panic rise in his chest as he thought about the gun that was now settled in the bottom drawer of the nightstand in his room. the same gun he had killed Brent with. he knew he had to get rid of the gun and he knew who to call to do just that.

Brendon stood in the bathroom as Ryan proceeded to play with his pancakes. he found himself smiling as the phone on the other end picked up.

"this is Gabe." the smooth voice said.

"Gabe, it's Brendon." Brendon said, his voice dropping low.

"what's up Bren?" Gabe asked and Brendon could picture him smirking over the phone.

"Gabe...I got a problem...I-I need to get rid of something." Brendon said as he pushed the bathroom door shut in the fear that Ryan would hear.

"oh? what would this something be dear Brendon?" Gabe asked in a playful tone and Brendon knew he was smirking.

"a-a handgun." Brendon admitted to him. there was a small silence on the line and Brendon waited patiently for Gabe to answer.

"yeah, alright I'll be there in an half hour...you better be ready." Gabe said and Brendon nodded even though he knew Gabe couldn't see him.

"alright, Gabe I'll see you soon." Brendon said as he hung up the phone and left the bathroom. he passed by the kitchen where Ryan sat at the table still eating his breakfast. Ryan smiled at Brendon as he passed him to go into his bedroom.

Brendon knew that it was no coincidence that the police had showed up at his house yesterday, he knew they must've found Brent. he kneeled down in front of his black nightstand and pulled open the bottom drawer, he then grabbed a pillow off his bed and stripped it of it's case.

he then lifted the gun gingerly and dropped it into the empty pillowcase. he tied the case back up and tucked it back into the bottom of the nightstand drawer.

Brendon then went into the living room and flicked on the television. the news was on just as Brendon had predicted. the news anchor on the tv was rambling on about some new bill being passed that Brendon really didn't care about. he turned to glance at Ryan before he heard the news story switch.

"police are still investigating the case of the teenaged boy, whose body was found in the abandoned west bank of burbury park." the newcaster said.

Brendon's brain froze up as he listened to the newscaster, he realized in that moment that Brent was dead...he had died yesterday and Brendon had killed him. it was offical, Brendon was a murderer and the police were already on his case.

Brendon turned away from the tv and walked back to the kitchen, he picked up Ryan's empty plate and put it in the sink. turning on the water, he tried to take his mind off of the police that he could almost picture racing towards him that very moment. he just prayed that Gabe got to his house before the police could.

thinking of Gabe Brendon suddenly wondered what he would do with Ryan when he left with Gabe? he could easily put Ryan back in his room and lock him there like he had done the day before but it didn't bode well with the guilt he was already feeling. he also didn't want to leave Ryan because if the police came and saw him there...it wouldn't be good.

Brendon sat in the living room on the couch with Ryan sitting on the floor. Brendon was wating anxiously for Gabe to show up, he found his heart beating quickly and it could've been because of the cocaine but it was probably nerves.

Ryan turned around and looked at Brendon, he was grinning and Brendon tried to smile back. in a way Ryan was lucky because he didn't have worries, he didn't have to deal with the crushing perils of everyday life. all Ryan had to do was have someone to take care of him and as long as Brendon was around he would have that.

Brendon watched as Ryan scooted across the floor towards him, Ryan stopped before Brendon and put his hands up on Brendon's knees. Ryan pulled himself up and pressed himself between Brendon's legs, he pressed his head to Brendon's chest and clung to his body. this was something else Ryan needed, near constant attention from Brendon.

it was tiring but Brendon was all Ryan had. Ryan's mom had died back when Brendon and Ryan were in fourth grade and Ryan was taken care of by his dad, then Ryan's dad died when they turned sixteen. Ryan had no other close family, no siblings, he had nothing but Brendon. it was from that day that Ryan started living with Brendon. now that Ryan was damaged...he couldn't just turn his back on him.

"lov-love Brendon." Ryan said as he clung to Brendon.

"love you too Ryan." Brendon said as he patted Ryan on the head.

Gabe showed up an half hour later just as he had promised, he usually kept to his word. he approached the door and Brendon answered. there stood Gabe decked out in a white suit with matching shoes, his dark curly hair shining in the morning light.

Gabe grinned his handsome smile at Brendon as he leaned against the doorframe. "you ready to go Brendon?" he asked and Brendon nodded.

"I just gotta get the thing." Brendon told him as he headed back to his bedroom. he came back out a few moments later with the pillowcase in hand. Gabe motioned for him to head out the door. "Ryan, come on. we're leaving for awhile." Brendon said to Ryan who was watching Gabe with a mix of shyness and curiousity.

Gabe shot a look of surprise at Brendon. "you're bringing him?" Gabe asked. Brendon nodded as he looked back at Ryan who was now scrambling towards Brendon.

"yeah, I am. it's too dangerous for him to stay alone." Brendon told him and Gabe nodded and grinned a sly sort of grin.

"well, lets go then." Gabe said as he turned and headed out the door. Brendon tucked the pillowcase under his arm and grabbed Ryan's arm guiding him out of the house. the three of them climbed into Gabe's white sports car, Gabe driving and Brendon in the front seat while Ryan sat in the back.

"so what'd you do Brendon?" Gabe asked as he pulled out of Brendon's driveway. Brendon shifted the pillowcase on to his lap and looked back at Ryan before he turned to Gabe.

"I killed someone Gabe." Brendon confessed and it felt as if a weight had been lifted from his chest. Gabe didn't say anything just looked over at Brendon.

Brendon knew that Gabe wasn't surprised by his confession, Gabe had deals with all kinds of shady people who comitted all kinds of sins. it had been Gabe himself who had gotten Brendon the gun that he was now perpairing to get rid of.

"you killed that kid in the park?" Gabe asked, his dark eyes flickering over Brendon's face. Brendon nodded and Gabe let out a slow sigh. "this gun thing better not come back to me Brendon." Gabe warned as the car pulled into the parking lot of a back alley of a storage unit.

"it-it won't Gabe." Brendon said even though he wasn't sure if it was the truth. they stopped the car and Brendon told Ryan to stay in the backseat. Gabe and Brendon stepped out of the car, the gravel crunching under their feet.

Gabe led Brendon down the long row of storage units, the tall doors pulled down and labeled with huge red numbers. they walked down the streach of land silently, they rounded the corner and stopped at the third storage unit down.

Gabe pulled a key out of his pocket and unlocked the grate. Brendon leaned down and pulled it up for Gabe. the light from outside poured into the unit and a stale smell washed over the two men. Gabe motioned for Brendon to follow him into the unit, they pulled the switch making warm yellow light pour over them.

inside Brendon could see many things sitting in the unit. bags and boxes filled with things that Brendon wasn't sure he wanted to know what was inside them. Gabe walked back to a huge brown oak dresser that sat back against the back wall. he looked strange, all fancy and dressed in white. it was almost like he was some otherworldly vision...like Brendon's gaurdian angel or something, but if that was the case then Gabe was the most corrupt angel he had ever seen.

Brendon followed Gabe, his head hung low and his heart nervous. Gabe pulled open the top drawer and took the pillowcase from Brendon. he dropped the case into the drawer and pushed it closed. Gabe and Brendon clicked off the light and headed back outside, they locked up the grate and headed back to the white sports car.

Brendon left the storage unit, his nerves eased and his body jittering for his next fix.


chapter five: the devil wears baggy jeans and nike's

Brendon found himself shaking as he rode in Gabe's car. the cocaine he had done earlier that morning had all but worn off and the same sobering headache was beginning to plauge him.

"you don't look so good Brendon." Gabe mentioned as he glanced at him.

"yeah, it's cause I'm sobering up." Brendon half laughed. he ran a hand through his hair and realized he was sweating.

"I can fix that for you." Gabe said with a sly grin. Gabe was quite possibly one of the best drug dealers around. he had nearly anything and everything that a person could ask for. he was a good deal older then Brendon himself but he was a couple years younger then Pete.

"yeah, yeah lets go to your place...I-I need something...my fucking head is killing me." Brendon complained. Gabe laughed because he loved getting people high.

twenty minutes later the three of them arrived at Gabe's place. Brendon's headache had increased tenfold and Ryan was only serving to grate on Brendon's nerves. Brendon was practically jumping to get out of Gabe's car. he and Ryan followed Gabe into Gabe's house, Ryan clinging to Brendon's arm.

Gabe's house was by far the best one in Brendon's circle of friends. Gabe had the most money out of all of them, he made most of his cash by dealing drugs and other shady activities. Gabe's house was a large two story apartment, white and clean. Brendon didn't know how a person like Gabe could show off but manage to keep his dirty dealings secret.

they entered through the backdoor and came through the shiny tiled kitchen. Gabe set his car keys on the silver kitchen counter and motioned for Brendon and Ryan to follow him to the living room. they entered the living room to find a girl seated in the red leather arm chair, she too was dressed in white, her medium length brown hair fell in waves down her front.

"hey, gabey, baby." the girl said when she saw Gabe enter the room.

"hey Vicky." Gabe said as he smiled at the girl. the girl named Vicky stood and tried her best to saunter over to Gabe, she stumbled more then she sauntered but she made it over to him all the same. "you been enjoying the stuff while I was gone Vicky?" Gabe asked and the girl giggled and swayed but clung to Gabe's arm. that was all the answer he needed.

Gabe turned his attention from Vicky to Brendon. "go ahead and take a seat Brendon, I'll get the stuff." Brendon nodded and he and Ryan made their way over to the red leather couch that perfectly matched the chair. Vicky made her way back to the armchair where she curled up into it and smiled at Brendon.

Brendon looked over the room, it had been awhile since he had stopped by here. Brendon never really liked Gabe's living room, he thought there was far too much red. besides the furniture, the carpet was also red, but a deeper shade...almost blood red Brendon thought. the walls were white with splashes of color like deep blue and red. Gabe had a very interesting style.

Ryan was still clinging to Brendon just as Vicky had been clinging to Gabe.

"Bren-Brendon-I-I scared." Ryan whined to Brendon. Brendon shushed Ryan and patted him on the leg.

"it's okay Ryan, Gabe is a friend." he told him.

"ga-Gabe friend?" Ryan asked and Brendon nodded.

Gabe returned seconds later carrying a tray of needles and a pipe. he sat on the couch wedging his way between Brendon and Ryan. he slung an arm around Brendon as he set the tray on the glass coffee table in front of them.

"take your pick Urie, heroine or pot?" he asked as he pulled Brendon in close to him. Brendon knew with the way he was feeling that pot wouldn't be enough to take away the pains that were alling him.

"heroine man." Brendon said and Gabe grinned and nodded like he knew Brendon would choose that all along. Gabe set up the heroine for Brendon while Vicky requested the pipe that was pre-loaded with pot. Brendon passed her the pipe and lighter and she lit up in front of them.

Vicky took long hits, the smoke unfurling as she blew it out. she would take a hit then let her pretty head roll back. Gabe handed Brendon the loaded needle moments later and Brendon injected himself while he saw Ryan's dark brown eyes watching him curiously.

but Brendon didn't care in that moment, he didn't care that Ryan was watching him, he didn't care that a day ago he killed his old english teachers son, he didn't care about the pain from the needle in his soft flesh. all he cared about was getting that pleasure from the drugs.

all Brendon wanted was that sweet numbness that came with doing drugs for a long period of time. it was a time after the intial adrenaline high was gone and all that was left was a body and mind numbing sensastion, one that Brendon couldn't get enough of.

Brendon laid his head back against the red couch, his eyes catching the spinning arms of the ceiling fan. Gabe was talking but he wasn't quite sure to who. it was as if his world had gone in slow motion once again and everything moved at a inch-by-inch pace.

Brendon thought that maybe he should be worried about Ryan but he knew that Gabe would at least keep him safe while he was in his drug induced state. he could hear the light high pitched laughter that belonged to Vicky and Brendon's mind spun as he tried to catch the joke.

he didn't really know how long he sat there and watched the fan spinning in circles. it could've been minutes or it could've been hours, it all felt the same to Brendon. he sorta dazed out and his mind was sluggish as he tried to focus on nothing. somewhere he could hear voices, two or three of them..all male. he hadn't realized that he closed his eyes but he was finding it hard to open them.

Brendon had a dream, well sorta like a dream but more like a waking nightmare. he was standing in the west bank of burbury park, he could see Brent standing in front of him but it wasn't twenty something Brent, it was fourteen year old Brent. with his chubby cheeks and his orangy brown hair and he was smiling. and then Ryan was there and Ryan was talking and laughing and hanging upside down from the jungle gym and telling Brent and Brendon to remember these days.

it all changed to darkness and Brendon was lying in a bed beside Pete and Pete was cuddled up so close to Brendon that they felt almost like one person. and Brendon is suddenly asking Pete if he loves Patrick and Brendon can still feel the pain when Pete said yes right before he kissed Brendon.

the scene changed again, it was Brendon standing in a crowded room at someone's house, he couldn't really remember whose. he could remember seeing Pete holding tightly on to Patrick's arm. it was one of the rare occasions when Pete got sober and swore off drugs for good. he looked happy and healthy and Pete was smiling so happily and Brendon could feel that deep burn of jealousy.

Brendon woke up from his semi-nightmare lying down on the couch. he must've have fallen over and fallen asleep or something like that. he was still high, just not as strong as he had been before. he also noticed that Vicky had moved over to where he was and was cuddled up by him. he didn't know how much time had passed and he didn't know where Gabe was.

as Brendon sat up a sudden thought struck him, he didn't know where Ryan was either! it seemed that Ryan and Gabe were missing and Brendon felt a ball of dread fall into his stomach because he didn't know if Gabe was watching Ryan or getting him high.

he pulled himself off the couch and stood in the center of the room. "Gabe?" he called, he waited but got no response. Brendon moved across the room passed the kitchen where they had entered and back to the right towards the hallway that led to the bathroom, Gabe's room, and the stairs.

"Gabe?" Brendon tried again and he waited to listen for an answer, again he heard nothing. he decided to try Gabe's room and Brendon was pretty sure by now that if they were in there then chances were good that Gabe was getting Ryan high. Brendon went up to the oak door of Gabe's room.

he listened but again heard nothing, he didn't bother knocking he just let himself in. "Gabe, please tell me you're watching ry-" Brendon started as he entered the room but he stopped, his jaw falling open and his blood going cold at the sight before him.

a man was sitting in a black leather chair that had been pulled up next to the left side of the large bed that took up almost all the space in Gabe's room. the man Brendon thought was Gabe's friend Alex who sometimes went by the name cougar, Brendon had met Alex a few times but not enough to know him well.

but seeing Alex in the room wasn't what made Brendon's blood run cold, no what made him freeze was that there on the bed, on top of the ruby red patterned covers was a naked Ryan and on top of Ryan was the naked body of Travis Mccoy.

Brendon was frozen as his eyes and mind took in the sight before him. Ryan was laying on the bed. his legs being held spread open by Travis' dark thigh. Brendon could see Travis' naked ass, his hips pumping into Ryan's body. Brendon couldn't believe this...Ryan was getting raped!

"what the fuck!" Brendon screamed as he felt his brain explode with anger and his blood boil. Alex and Travis seemed to acknowledge Brendon for the first time. Alex's head turning to face him, his dark brown hair flipping as he turned to stare at Brendon. Travis stopped fucking Ryan but he didn't move, Brendon thought that maybe Ryan had heard his voice as he called out to him.

"ow-Bren-Brendon-ow-hurts!" he said and that was all Brendon could take. without waiting for either of the men to say anything Brendon launched himself at Travis.

"get off of him you motherfucker!" Brendon screamed as he leaped on to the bed and caught Travis on the side, knocking him off the bed. Alex stood up and now Travis tried to fight back, he was all swears and thrown punches. Brendon was throwing punches harder then Travis could and he was landing them striking Travis squarely in the jaw.

"how could you? how could you do that? he's fucking mentally challenged and you're fucking raping him!" Brendon was screaming at the top of his lungs. Brendon wasn't just pissed about what they were doing to Ryan but he was more pissed because it was Travis! it had been Travis who introduced Ryan to paintchips...it was Travis' fault that Ryan was the way he was...he couldn't let Travis hurt Ryan again.

Brendon was too busy beating the shit out of Travis that he wasn't watching his back when he should've been. Alex came around suddenly and grabbed Brendon up by the arms, Brendon struggled but Alex was taller and had at least thirty pounds on him and he wasn't pissed off and hopped up...or maybe he was.

Ryan sat still stunned on the bed unsure of what he should do. Alex held Brendon tight and no matter how he struggled he found his leg's off the ground and himself unable to move. Brendon was completely imobilized.

Travis picked himself up off the floor, his jaw bruised and his nose bleeding lightly. he wiped his nose and grinned at the struggling Brendon before he looked over at the naked, scared and quivering Ryan.

"don't freak Brendon boy. little Ryan here agreed to this." he said and Brendon grew red as he saw Travis lean up against the bed, his nude dark body available for all to see.

"he can't agree to this! he doesn't know what's going on!" Brendon argued as he struggled harder against Alex's tight grip. Brendon tried to aim kicks at Alex's legs but he found himself unsuccessful.

"doesn't matter, he's still fucking hot." Travis said as he eyed Ryan's naked body.

"get the fuck away!" Brendon hollered as he tried to break free from Alex's hold.

"no, I think I'll finish first." Travis said as he climbed on the bed and moved towards Ryan. Brendon's eyes grew wide and his heart thumped wildly in his chest.

"no! Ryan run! run Ryan!" Brendon yelled but he could tell that Ryan was still shell-shocked and he couldn't move. Alex adjusted his hold so that he was able to lower Brendon to the floor, holding him pinned there, his one arm holding both of Brendon's arms pinned against his back and his other hand covering Brendon's mouth. Alex had also positioned Brendon so that Brendon could easily see the action that was taking place on the bed.

"you should't have brought the fucking retard in the first place." Alex sneered into Brendon's ear, his hot breath washed over Brendon's face. Brendon still struggled in vain, there was no way he could let this happen to Ryan. he couldn't let Ryan be raped right in front of him! there was just no way!

Brendon didn't know where Gabe was but never had he wished for someone to walk into the room more then now. from his vantage point Brendon could see Ryan's face as Travis leered over him. Brendon tried to bite Alex's hand but the way he was holding his mouth was making it impossible.

he was still struggling against Alex and he was afraid that Alex was liking it. Brendon could see Travis had moved down on Ryan. he pressed their chest's together, dark on light. he used one hand to spread apart the shaking Ryan's closed legs and the other he ran up Ryan's neck and tipped his head up for a kiss.

Ryan allowed the kiss but only because he didn't know any better. Travis worked his tongue into Ryan's mouth and Brendon saw Travis' hand trail down Ryan's thin body. Ryan squirmed and Brendon tried to roll out of Alex's grasp to save him.

he hated this, he had never felt so helpless in his entire life. he couldn't help Ryan, he couldn't do anything but watch as Ryan was fucked by the man who made him brain damaged. Travis broke his kiss with Ryan and leaned up, he was now between Ryan's legs and he moved his large hands to hold Ryan spread open.

"I'm gonna fuck you raw kid." Travis smirked down at Ryan who was glancing between Travis who hung above him and Brendon who was still pinned to the floor. Brendon saw Travis position himself and he shut his eyes tight as Travis thrusted up inside of Ryan.

even though Brendon had shut his eyes he still couldn't block out the sounds. the sounds of Travis grunting softly, the sounds of the creaking matress as it banged against the headboard.

"aww fuck, this kid is so fucking tight!" Travis moaned out and Brendon heard Alex laugh, his hot breath washing over Brendon's face. Brendon wished that Alex would just take mercy on him and puncture his eardrums. Brendon thought those sounds were bad but he felt his heart drop as he heard Ryan's quivering voice.

"hur-hurt-Bren-Brendon-hel-help-hurts!" Ryan cried out. Brendon's eyes flew open and he saw Ryan's scared face staring down at him, his body lurching upward with each thrust from Travis. Brendon never felt more helpless in his entire life and the guilt was buring him alive.

Brendon struggled harder and Alex squeezed his legs on either side of Brendon's hips and Brendon cussed inside his head as he felt Alex's hard cock pressed against his clothed ass. it made Brendon sick that Alex and Travis were both getting off on this situation.

Ryan was crying now, tears glimmering down the side of his face as Travis fucked him. Brendon didn't know how long Travis had been fucking Ryan before he came into the room but he thought it might've been awhile because he was picking up speed now, he was holding Ryan's hips up as he slammed into him, all the while Ryan was crying and begging for Brendon's help.

Travis was grunting, his fingernails digging into Ryan's hips. Brendon knew he wouldn't last too much longer and he could only hope that when Travis was finished it wasn't Alex's turn. Travis' breathing grew ragged and he let out a sharp "fuck!" and he froze and came inside of Ryan. he collasped on top of the still crying and shaking Ryan for a moment before he pulled out revealing his flacid cock to the room.

Travis laughed as he climbed down off the bed and bent down to gather his clothes that were scattered on the floor. Alex still held Brendon down but he was now watching Travis as he dressed. Travis pulled on a pair of boxers and his oversized baggy blue jeans before he threw a white t-shirt on under a back jersey. he made his way towards the door to the room and he stopped just before he reached for the handle.

"listen bitch, I got a gun on me so if you're smart, when Cougar lets you go don't make a move." Travis commanded and despite Brendon feeling the most intense rage he had ever felt in his young life, he did not want to die by Travis' hands. "if you understand tell me so." Travis said just as Alex lifted his hand from Brendon's mouth.

"I get it you fucking bastard." Brendon spit out at Travis.

"good, come on Cougar, lets go." Travis said to Alex and Brendon felt Alex nod before he was suddenly off of him. Brendon rolled over enough to see Alex walk out of the room and stand in the hall just before the door. Travis was holding on to the handle of the room and he looked at the two boys. "it ain't my fault that he listened to me, it ain't my fault that he was a stupid fucker." Travis said as he heard the door close and the click of what sounded like a lock being turned.

Brendon didn't care in that moment that Travis had locked them in Gabe's room, all he cared about was getting up to Ryan. he scrambled from the floor to the bed and instantly he pulled the shaking Ryan into his arms.

"I'm sorry Ryan...fuck I'm so fucking sorry!" he told the boy and Brendon felt tears prick at the corners of his eyes and they fell cold and wet down his cheeks and on to Ryan's face.

Ryan had brought his arms up to rest on Brendon's own shaking arms. he looked confused like he didn't know what had just happened to him, or that he didn't know why Brendon was now crying or why Brendon hadn't helped him when he had asked for it.

Brendon smoothed Ryan's hair out of his face and wiped away the tears that had collected on his cheeks. "it'll be okay now Ryan. we're going home." Brendon said as he looked down at the older boy.

"ho-home?" Ryan asked and Brendon nodded again even though he felt like he was drowning in a sea of guilt. he was being swallowed an inch at a time by the black-green salty sea water that would constantly threathen to pull him under and never let him up.

Brendon let go of Ryan and sat him up. he gave Ryan a quick once over and was relieved to find that besides what had just happened to him he was physically fine. he climbed off the bed, assuring Ryan that he wasn't going anywhere. he moved around the room picking up Ryan's discarded clothes, the same clothes that he had helped Ryan get into that morning.

after finding his clothes Brendon helped pull them on, his boxers and jeans being the most difficult due to Ryan's arse now being attacked by Travis. when Ryan was dressed Brendon helped him off the bed, that he was now disgusted at the sight of, and the two of them moved to the door, Ryan with his arm around Brendon's shoulders.

Brendon tried the door but he was right, Travis had locked him in, probably in case he had decided to ignore Travis' promise of death but Brendon had no such deathwish. Brendon couldn't think of a way out, he knew he sure as hell wasn't staying in that room until Gabe came back from wherever the hell it was that he had gone. it was then that Brendon remembered that Vicky was sleeping in the living room on the couch.

he hoped that she was awake but he knew with the way she did drugs, luck was not on his side.

"Vicky!" Brendon yelled as he hit the door with his fist, Ryan jumped but Brendon continued anyway. "Vicky! wake up! I need to get out of Gabe's room! Vicky-t come let me out!" he yelled and he waited in silence until he heard the sound of stumbling and off balance footsteps approaching the door.

"whose in there?" Brendon heard Vicky ask.

"it's Brendon, come on Vicky let me out of here!" Brendon commanded and he heard her mumble something before he heard that same click and the door was pulled open. there stood Vicky, less buzzed then she had been before Brendon passed out but still shitfaced.

"you shouldn't be in gabey baby's room" she chided as Brendon and Ryan moved past her and she shut the door to Gabe's now defiled room.

"yeah, whatever." Brendon said as he entered the living room where he had been earlier. "where's Alex and Travis?" Brendon asked and he noticed that Ryan began shaking lightly when he mentioned their names.

"oh...they just left." Vicky said as she leaned against a white wall to support herself.

"and Gabe where is he?" Brendon asked relieved that Ryan's attackers had left.

"he had business to attend to." she told him "he won't be back for awhile." she added.

no that was no good, Brendon didn't want to wait here in Gabe's house for his return, but he didn't have his car and he had no cash for a cab....fuck, he knew they'd have to walk.

Brendon left without saying goodbye to Vicky and he made his way out of Gabe's house and down the driveway till they stood on the side walk of Gabe's upscale neighborhood. Brendon looked down the barren streets, he didn't think it was too far a walk from Gabe's house to his own. if it were just him he was sure he could make it in fifteen minutes, but he wasn't alone, he had Ryan and Ryan was bound to slow him down.

he didn't care though because one way or another, he had promised Ryan that they were going home.


chapter six: home

it ended up taking them an half hour to get home. the walk was made harder with Ryan clinging to Brendon, he thought that maybe he could call Andy and see if he could get a ride...or he could call Gabe but he decided against it, he didn't want anyone to know about what had happened to Ryan if they didn't have to.

they got home and Brendon's muscles were throbbing, any high he had once had was completely vanished and without any drugs on him he spent the last ten minutes of the walk in suffering sobriety. Brendon felt bad because Ryan was undoubtedly sore and yet he still had to walk.

once they got home Brendon's anger hadn't subsided. he grabbed his cell phone and was tempted to call the police, but he stopped, he knew he couldn't do it. he couldn't report Ryan getting raped at a notorious drug dealers house while Brendon was all hopped up on heroine. he just couldn't do it, ecspecially since Gabe had just helped him dispose of the gun he had killed Brent with.

Brendon settled Ryan on the couch and went into the bathroom, he pulled open the bathroom mirror that always seemed to be inexpicably dirty. Brendon pulled out a bottle of prescription pills and emptied out two of the large white pills into his hand, he downed them without water before he moved over to the puke green bathtub and turned on the faucets.

Brendon called for Ryan and he heard the thumping of Ryan's bare feet hitting the wooden floors as he came into the bathroom. "bath time Ryan." Brendon said as Ryan peered at the bathtub filling up with lukewarm clear water. Brendon helped Ryan pull off his red longsleeved shirt and jeans.

Brendon helped Ryan climb into the tub and he turned off the faucets. he knew Ryan was mentally challenged but one of the few things Ryan could do by himself was take a bath. but Brendon would still leave the bathroom door open during Ryan's bath's just in case.

he left the bathroom and moved into the living room. Brendon stopped by the couch and rested his shaking hands on the back of the couch, he stood there just staring at the hardwood floor, unsure of what to do, the sound of splashing water serving as background noise to his thoughts.

he was still royally pissed off by what had happened to Ryan. he was more pissed off that he knew it was his fault, he shouldn't have went to Gabe's house, he shouldn't have gotten shitfaced and passed out when he knew he had to take care of Ryan. it only served to prove the theory that Brendon had, that no one else cared about Ryan but him. it was obvious that no one would take care of him if Brendon wasn't around, it all boiled down to Ryan needing Brendon.

sometimes it felt like a burden to him though, he never asked to be depended on, Brendon never wanted to have to be the one to solely care for Ryan. it would be easy he thinks, to send Ryan away to a mental institution or something like that but Brendon knew he never could. the second he did, the guilt would be too much.

despite the anger and guilt he was feeling there was something else plauging Brendon's mind. it was what Spencer had told him yesterday, that the cops had stopped by his place and that they had said that they'd be coming back today.

Brendon suddenly felt tense and he wondered if by some lucky chance that he had missed the cops and could put off the meeting for at least one more day. he decided to go over to Spencer's place and see if he had noticed the cops around today.

he left the house after telling Ryan he'd be right back and then trudged along the overgrown grass, across his yard and pass the invisible barrier that seperated Brendon's house from Spencer's place. Brendon moved across the driveway and up the walkway to the front door.

he stood on the small square cement porch and gave three quick knocks on the plastic like screen door. Brendon waited, his nerves picking up and dropping like the temperatures of the last few days. he scratched his hands against the side of his jeans as the heavy wooden door was pulled open, revealing Spencer standing there, protected behind the screen door.

"Brendon?" he said sounding surprised as he pushed open the door and Brendon backed up allowing Spencer to step out on to the porch with him.

"hey spence-' Brendon began before a loud voice was heard from inside the house.

"who is it Spencer?" Jon's voiced echoed at them.

"it's our neighbor, Brendon." Spencer turned a bit and answered Jon. Brendon had never really talked to Spencer and Jon much, nothing more then a few friendly waves or a hey every now and again or the year that Brendon got a christmas card from the two of them.

he could see Jon peek around the corner from one of the back rooms and peer out at Brendon and Spencer. Brendon wondered if Jon was cautious of him ever since the day he had seen Jon beat the shit out of Spencer.

"oh...hey Brendon." Jon said as he waved at Brendon who gave a simple wave back. Brendon had to admit that he felt disapointed at seeing Jon back in the house with Spencer. it wasn't the first time Jon had left but Brendon had hoped that it would be the last, now he only hoped that he wouldn't have to see or hear Spencer getting beatened.

Spencer avoided Brendon's eyes as he and Jon exchanged plesantries, Brendon thought that maybe he was embarrased to let Brendon see that he had allowed Jon back into his life.

"so what's up Brendon?" Spencer asked probably wondering what Brendon wanted.

"oh right, well I wanted to know if the cops had stopped by my place today?" Brendon asked and Spencer looked up at him with a slightly blank look on his face.

"um no, no one came by at all." Spencer said. Brendon's heart dropped a bit as he learned that he hadn't missed out on the visit by the cops. the only thing Brendon could hope was that there was some other great amount of crime going on in the city so the cops would overlook Brendon and he would slip through the criminal cracks.

"well alright, thanks spence." Brendon said as he patted Spencer on the shoulder gently. "I'll see you later." he said as he gave Spencer a small smile and turned to head back to his house.

"yeah, see ya Brendon." Spencer said, his voice a soft whisper and Brendon heard the screen door open and close and the heavy push of the oak door being closed.

Brendon went back into the house and moved to the bathroom archway. Ryan was still seated in the tub, the water still surrounding him, he splashed a bit and looked up at Brendon.

"bath over Bren-Brendon?" Ryan asked and Brendon nodded and pulled a soft black towel off the shelf. Ryan stood, the water dripping off of his muscular frame. Brendon helped Ryan step out of the bath and handed him the towel.

"go get dressed Ryan." Brendon told him and Ryan nodded as he headed out of the bathroom with the towel wrapped loose around his waist. Brendon let the water out of the tub and made his way into the kitchen, he thought about going into the kitchen and fixing himself a drink and that same second Brendon heard a car pull into the driveway and seconds later a stern knock on the front door.

Brendon froze and he was tempted to not answer, he probably wouldn't have if Ryan hadn't yelled "Bren-Bren door! door!" Brendon cursed under his breath.

"Mr.Urie, are you home? it's the police. if you're home you'd better open up." Brendon heard a male voice say from behind the door. Brendon cursed again and with his heart beating wildly he trudged to the front door.


chapter seven: dirty cops and dirty deeds

Brendon stopped at the door and prayed that the cops wouldn't arrest him and he wracked his brain trying to think of all the rights he thought he had. Brendon pulled the door open and there on his porch stood two police officers. the two men were both fairly young, probably in their early to mid twenties.

"Mr. Urie, I'm detective Higgenson." the cop to the left said "and this is detective Blackinton." the first cop said as he motioned to the cop on his right. Brendon didn't know detective Higgenson but he did know detective Blackinton, detective Blackinton or Ryland happened to be one of Gabe's oldest friends.

Brendon had met him at Gabe's house a few time's while he was off duty. Brendon thought that it was Ryland that allowed Gabe to get away with as much as he did. Ryland was after all just one of Gabe's many poweful connections.

Brendon watched Ryland wondering if the man recongized him. Ryland was tall, probably around six foot like Gabe himself. he was wearing the typical cop uniform, dark blue short sleeved shirt and pants with a hat and a shiny golden badge.

Ryland brought a hand up and scratched at the stubble along his jawline. he had a long face and light brown hair that fell a little past his ears. he had large white teeth that were a bit crooked in the front and he looked like an asshole but from what Brendon could recall he was a pretty nice guy.

"Mr. Urie can we come in please?" detective higgerson asked, Brendon snapped back to attention and nodded. he stepped aside and allowed the two officers to come into his modest home. Brendon shut the door behind the men and turned to face them.

"so uh what can I do for you?" Brendon asked trying not to sound like he was guilty of any crime. detective higgerson smiled at Brendon as he raised a hand.

"we just wanna ask you a few questions Mr. Urie, nothing to be worried about." he said. Brendon nodded though he didn't recall ever mentioning that he was worried.

"relax, Tom. you're gonna scare the kid." Ryland said to detective Higgenson or Tom, Tom frowned a bit. Brendon watched the detective named Tom, he was younger then Ryland. Brendon bet that Tom was the rookie cop, eager to prove himself. while Ryland was the veteran who has nothing left to prove.

Tom was still frowning, his large teeth covered by his tight thin lips, he had brown hair that was messy and fell forward into his dark eyes. the most distinguishable feature of Tom's was his nose, it was pretty large and kinda crooked like maybe it had been broken before. he was still handsome despite it, Brendon thought that if he squinted Tom kinda reminded him of Ryan.

thinking of Ryan Brendon suddenly remembered that Ryan was still in the house. he tore his gaze away from Tom and instead looked to Ryan's room, where he had sent Ryan to get dressed. he noticed that the beat up dark blue door wasn't closed but hanging open ajar and Brendon could only hope that Ryan wouldn't be curious to come and see who was in the living room, because in that moment he didn't think he could explain why he had Ryan in his house without proper care licenses or whatever people needed to care for special people.

Tom noticed Brendon staring at the door and he too turned his head slowly to see the slightly opened door. "what's in that room Mr. Urie?" Tom asked as he turned his entire body to face the door. Ryland turned too and looked towards Ryan's room.

Brendon felt his heart beat faster and his mind raced for various excuses. 'he's my brother.', 'he's my lover?', 'he's a total stranger and I don't know why he's naked in my house.'

"that's my roomate's room." Brendon said as he settled on the honest route, he tried not to think that it was important that he didn't mention that Ryan was mentally challenged and had just been raped.

"oh really? a roomate?" Tom asked and it might have been Brendon's imagination but it seemed as if he were excited that maybe he would find some illegal activities going on in Brendon's house, or in Ryan's room. "so you won't mind if we take a look around in there?" Tom asked and Brendon knew that they needed a warrent to search houses and he figured it would be better if he let them have a look around, just so Tom didn't seem so suspicious but he didn't want to put Ryan through that.

"not unless you have a warrent." Brendon said and he thought that he sounded like a dick but he couldn't help it. Tom frowned and Ryland looked like he might laugh if it wouldn't serve to piss Tom off.

"well then do you mind if we ask you a few questions Mr. Urie?" Ryland asked and Brendon nodded.

"can you call me Brendon?" he asked the police as the name Mr. Urie was making him think of his father...and that was something that Brendon didn't have enough drugs in his system to deal with at the moment.

"sure, Brendon." Ryland said with a grin because he already knew Brendon's first name from their meetings at Gabe's place. "can we take a seat?" Ryland asked as he motioned to the worn couch that sat in the living room, the same couch where just a day before Pete had been laying.

Brendon nodded and went into the living room with the two cops on his tail, Brendon took a seat in the sunken gray shabby armchair that William had found in the grabage about a year and a half ago. Tom and Ryland both took a seat on the dark blue stained and probably on it's last leg couch.

"Brendon, do you know a guy named Brent Wilson?" Tom asked, Brendon pulled his legs up into the chair with him, a way that always seemed to calm him. he tried to keep himself relaxed because he knew all along that the police had come for this reason alone, Brent must've mentioned that he was going to see Brendon before he died or someone had spotted the two together.

"yeah, sure I know Brent. we used to go to school together." Brendon said, trying to sound like he didn't know that Brent was in some morgue somewhere on the upper side of town.

"so you two were friends?" Tom asked and Brendon nodded.

"yeah, pretty close till after graduation." Brendon told the two officers, he was trying his best to look at the officers just enough, not too much but not too little and the paranoia that they already knew he was guilty was driving him crazy.

"so you must know that Brent was found dead yesterday on the west bank of burbury park?" Ryland chimed in, despite him being friends with Gabe, he was still a cop and Brendon doubted that Ryland would let him get away with murder...literally.

Brendon tried to look as shocked as he could, like if he found out that one of his other friends had been found dead in a park. "oh...oh my god." Brendon said as he brought his hands up to his mouth in mock surprise, never in his life had he felt more like a douchebag then that moment.

"yes, well Brendon...we have a witness that says that Brent mentioned three days before his death that he was going to meet up with you." Tom said as he leaned forward a bit to stare down Brendon.

shit Brendon most certainly didn't know that...but he had figured that he would've done something like that.

"yeah, I met up with him two days ago. he came by and said he owed someone money, he told me he needed to borrow my car. I asked him where he was going but he wouldn't say, he left and brought the car back about two and a half hours later." Brendon said, he was pulling this lie out of his ass but he prayed that it sounded real.

Brendon didn't know where Brent had been staying in the days before his death but he hoped that wherever Brent was he hadn't been accounted for.

the next hour and a half dragged by much too slowly for Brendon's liking. the two cops sitting before him playing good cop bad cop on him. Tom was of course the bad cop and Ryland was the good cop. the two of them took turns questioning Brendon about his relationship with Brent and where Brendon was the day he had been killed.

Brendon had told them that he had been with Andy for most of the day, he figured it was a good aliby because Andy was a respectable person who didn't do drugs. they also asked Brendon if he ever used a gun and Brendon lied and told them no, he also told them to feel free to see if he had ever owned a gun. knowing that because of Ryland and Gabe, no connection between him and the gun would be found.

the cops stood and Brendon shook their hands as they left. Tom and Ryland also said that they'd be back with a warrant to properly search the house. Brendon shuddered internally at the thought of Tom rifiling through his house but he agreed all the same.

Brendon stood at the window in the living room, the one that faced the front yard and the street. he watched as the black and white cop car pulled out of his driveway and down the narrow street. Brendon heard thumping behind him and looked to see Ryan dressed in swimming trunks and a tank top standing next to him.

"co-cops-go-away-Bren-Brendon?" Ryan asked as he looked up hopefully at Brendon. Brendon nodded as the redlights of the cop car reflected in the hot sun.

"yeah, Ryan cops gone."


chapter eight: the shadow of my memories

three days later Brendon had stripped the house of all drugs and unpresrcibed pain medications. Ryan had sat in the living room as Brendon threw drug stash after drug stash into the box, ever fearful that the two cops would return to search his house. he was tempted to keep a few pills in the pockets of his jeans but he didn't trust that Tom and Ryland wouldn't search him.

Brendon hid the box of illegal drugs in the rickety blue and white shed that sat a few feet behind the house. since he wasn't doing drugs at home and he didn't trust to call William over for a fix and he had yet to call Gabe at all, mostly because of the memories that Gabe's house brought back to Brendon.

because Brendon had boxed up his drugs and had been too paranoid to do any, he found himself on the edge. he was constantly irritated and yelling at Ryan and anyone else he happened to encounter. he was also plauged with those constant thumping headaches and the world seemed just a little too bright for him.

it was nine at night and Brendon was shut up in his bedroom. he had the lights off and the curtains were pulled down over the small window in his room. it was all so quiet around him. he was laying on his soft bed that sagged under his body. he was staring up at the white celing, golden cuts of light playing across of it from the space under the door.

Brendon had turned the lights on in the house for Ryan, Ryan who he hadn't talked to since earlier that morning. Brendon had gone into his room at five and hadn't re-emerged since then, every so often he would hear the soft thumps of footsteps as Ryan approached his door. Ryan never came in or knocked and after a moment he would hear the same soft thumps as they walked away.

Brendon turned to face the right side wall. despite the almost perfect darkness soft shadows still filled the room and Brendon watched them as they moved lazily across the walls. his heartbeat was slow and his breathing was quiet. he had found that now that he was stone cold sober he couldn't really tolerate Ryan anymore.

it all felt like too much, like a grand burden that he never really asked for. he didn't think it was fair, that it all came down to him, that he was the one who had to make everything okay for Ryan when he couldn't even make it okay for himself.

he could remember that day very easily, the day that Ryan lost his identidy.

Brendon was lying on the couch, back when it hadn't been as stained or broken down as it was now. Ryan was flittering around between his bedroom and the living room, his black cell phone grasped tight in his hand. as Ryan walked Brendon could hear the snippets of an ending conversation.

"yeah, yeah I'll be there soon man." Ryan said into the phone as he leaned against the couch. the person on the other end said something and Ryan gave a little laugh. "no, I'm going to see her later tonight." he said and Brendon rolled his eyes and he looked from the couch up at Ryan.

he was clean and smelt like shampoo and the special hair wax that he used to get his light brown hair to stand up in a combination of a faux hawk and a rooster, or at least that's what Brendon always said it looked like. the girl that Ryan said he was seeing later was his current girlfriend Lucy, the blonde haired blue eyed high school cheerleader.

"alright, see you in a few man." Ryan said as he hung up the phone.

"where ya going ryro?" Brendon asked as he stared up at the older boy.

"I'm going to hang with William, Gabe, and Travis." Ryan said as he folded his arms and leaned down on the back of the couch, his dark eyes looking over Brendon. "you should come too Bren-Bren." Ryan teased as he reached a hand down and brushed his fingers acrossed Brendon's temple.

Brendon shook his head, "nah, I'm waiting for someone." Brendon told him as he raised his hand and shooed Ryan's nimble fingers away. Ryan pulled back and stood straight.

"oh? is it a Mr. Wentz you're waiting for?" Ryan teased as he grinned down at Brendon. Brendon felt a small flush on his cheeks.

"so what if I am?" Brendon asked as he sat up from the saggy couch. it was Ryan's turn to roll his eyes.

"I don't know why you put up with him Brendon. you know as soon as he leaves here he runs straight back to Patrick." Ryan said as he smoothed his hands across the white button up shirt he was wearing. Brendon frowned at Ryan.

"just like how when you're done with Lucy you run right back to me? or William or Travis?" Brendon said, it was Ryan's turn to frown.

"shut the fuck up Brendon." Ryan said, his voice a low rumble.

"whatever man, I don't want to argue anymore." Brendon said as he pulled himself up from the couch and headed pass Ryan and towards the kitchen, with Ryan following behind him obviously not wanting to end the conversation.

"why do you care what I do Brendon? or who I do it with?" Ryan asked as he leaned against the white counter that sat opposite the large white fridge.

"because Ryan-" Brendon began as he pulled open the fridge and bent down to grab himself a beer, his hand wrapping around the cold bottle. "you do stupid shit when left to your own devices." Brendon told him as he stood up straight and shut the fridge door with a small kick from his foot.

"like what?" Ryan asked and Brendon sighed because he knew that Ryan was just testing him, seeing how far he could go before he really pissed Brendon off.

"like eating fucking paint chips Ryan!" Brendon shouted at the boy. Ryan folded his arms tight across his chest and shot a glare at Brendon.

"how's that different then any of the other shit we do?" Ryan asked as he watched Brendon carefully.

"you don't think I don't notice Ryan? you think I don't notice that since you've been doing that you just fall down for no reason? you think I don't hear that when you talk sometimes it all comes out slurred? you think I can't see the fear in your eyes when you notice that too?" Brendon snipped at the boy, his eyes shooting an angry look at Ryan.

Brendon watched Ryan's warm brown eyes grow small in anger, the intricate purple glitterly overexagerated eyeshadow that Ryan wore across his eyes sparkled in the kitchen light as he looked up at Brendon.

"I didn't ask you to take care of me! I never asked you to care about me!" Ryan yelled at Brendon, he unfolded his arms and pushed himself away from the counter so that he and Brendon stood face to face.

"if I didn't care Ryan...who would?" Brendon asked, his voice low and cold. "no one else would give a damn about you if I didn't! you've got no one else but me!" Brendon shouted and Ryan's face was contorted in anger and Brendon didn't care.

"well don't worry for one more moment Brendon! because I don't want you to give a damn about me anymore! I don't need you to take care of me!" Ryan shouted as he strode out of the kitchen and grabbed his jacket off the back of the couch.

"well don't worry Ryan! I won't be taking care of you anymore! I don't give a fuck what you do!" he screamed at Ryan as Ryan shrugged on his coat and left the house.

Ryan left the house that night and was gone for a good five and a half hours. by the time Brendon heard the front door slam open and close again it was three in the morning and Brendon was shut up in his room. thirty minutes later, Brendon left his room to grab himself another beer and he saw Ryan's crumpled figure laying on the couch.

the tv was on and it sent a pale blue light over Ryan's body, it was also turned up too loud. Brendon left the kitchen beer in hand and moved into the living room. he found the remote laying on the floor under Ryan's limp hand, he turned off the tv and looked down at Ryan.

despite Brendon's earlier vow that he wouldn't take care of Ryan and Ryan's objection of being cared for, something felt wrong to Brendon as he looked down at Ryan's body on the couch. he had seen Ryan sleep a million or so times and it didn't feel right to him this time, the way his body looked didn't seem right.

Brendon knelt down on the front side of the couch and brought his hand up to Ryan's shoulder. he shook Ryan lightly trying to wake him up, Ryan's thin body wobbled with Brendon's moving hand but he didn't budge. Brendon tried to stay calm and just told himself that Ryan was a deep sleeper. he shook him again, harder this time and called out his name. yet he still got no response.

now Brendon was feeling the seizing feeling of panic rising in his stomach. yeah Ryan was a deep sleeper but not that deep. Brendon leapt up and scrambled to the living room wall where he hit the switch and a bright white light filled the room. he raced back to the couch and where he could now see Ryan better.

Ryan was turned his body and head tucked into the left side of the couch, away from Brendon's face. he quickly turned Ryan's body to face him and noticed that Ryan's eyes were closed and his skin was tinged a terrifying shade of pale blue. Brendon also noticed that Ryan's chest wasn't heaving up and down as it should be, his blood ran cold as he realized that Ryan wasn't breathing.

"shit! shit! Ryan! what did you do?" Brendon said as he brought his hand to Ryan's face and turned it to face him, it scared him more to feel that Ryan was cold. he left Ryan for a moment so he could grab his cell phone, Brendon dialed the cops while he tried to shake Ryan awake, after he hung up he tried his best to perform cpr on Ryan but his skills were basic ones that he had learned back in seventh grade.

five minutes later the ambulance showed up and took Ryan and Brendon to the hospital. the doctor's said that Ryan had stopped breathing so the air wasn't getting to his brain. from that moment on Brendon felt guilty, he felt like maybe if he had come out of his room when Ryan had gotten home instead of thirty minutes later then Ryan might've been okay.

on the way home from the hospital that night Brendon laughed as he drove because it seemed that karma, or god, or whoever had given the two young men a firm kick in the pants. Ryan, who had previously said he didn't need anyone to take care of him, now needed almost constant care and Brendon who had pleged to not give a damn about Ryan was now his sole caretaker.

Brendon's eyes snapped open and he was pulled from his thoughts of that day as he heard the same soft thump of footsteps outside his door. he sat up and faced the door, Brendon let himself imagine that outside of that door was Ryan, the old Ryan.

the Ryan that used to complain when Brendon made eggs in the morning, the Ryan who used to take only showers because he said baths were for little kids, the same Ryan who used to check out poetry books from the library and could talk about music for hours on end.

Brendon stood up and approached the door and he knew that once he opened the door, the illuision would fade and the old Ryan would vanish from this house and all that would be left would be the smiling face of the person formerly know as Ryan Ross.


chapter nine: the rain can't drown my jealousy

Brendon woke up the next day around noon, the sound of soft rain filled his ears. he rolled over onto his back and sat up in the middle of the saggy bed. his head pounded and Brendon felt like shit, whoever had said that it got easier to live without drugs as time goes on was a fucking liar, because Brendon had never felt worse in his entire life.

he climbed off the bed and immedently regretted it as a wave of nausea washed over him. Brendon stood wobbly and balanced himself by clutching on to the dresser in his room. Brendon stood there quiet and motionless as he waited for his stomach to settle. it didn't and another wave hit him, this time Brendon could feel the bile rise in his throat.

he cursed and covered his mouth as he busted out of his bedroom and ran into the bathroom next door. he puked, thankful that Ryan had left the toilet seat up. Brendon's chest heaved as he was on his knees on the cold bathroom floor. he spent the next five minutes that way, slumped over the pristine white toilet.

when he was sure that he had nothing left to throw up Brendon stood and caught his reflection in the bathroom mirror. he made a face at his reflection, his black hair was sticking up in all different directions and he had dark rings around his faded brown eyes. he didn't smell too great now since he had thrown up either so he decided to take a shower.

Brendon stood under the shower head, the hot warm water streamed down his back and chest and it eased the rolling in his stomach. he brushed back his wet hair and relaxed against the back of the shower. his mind seemed to be racing and he knew that he couldn't be sober any longer, he needed drugs but he didn't want to do them here, at home. he would have to leave.

he got out of the shower ten minutes later and pulled on a black t-shirt and jeans. it was still raining and the rain had served to cool down the normally blistering heat that had been plauging the neighborhood all week. Brendon decided to leave without waking the sleeping Ryan, ever since the Travis incident Brendon still didn't want Ryan going anywhere with him.

he left some food on the table for Ryan before he grabbed his car keys off the hook by the door and got into his car. Brendon didn't know where he wanted to go at first. he drove down the street pass Spencer's house, which was dark and closed up and Brendon didn't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

he kept driving, the rain speckling his windshield as his car moved down the barren streets. Brendon rolled his windows down to allow the cool air to wash over his face. he pulled up at the stop sign at the end of freemont street, the street he lived on. he waited before he pulled away, he was trying to decide just where it was that he wanted to go. Brendon could either go to William's, Gabe's, or Pete's.

going to Gabe's house was out of the question. the memories of that night locked in Gabe's room were still haunting his mind and making him angry. if Brendon went to William's then he ran the risk of running into Travis or Alex and the thought of seeing either one of them made his hands grip tight on the steering wheel. so really, there was no other choice, he was going to Pete's.

Brendon was a mix of excitment and nerves as he drove to Pete's place. well it wasn't just Pete's house, it was Pete's, Andy's, Joe's, and Patrick's house. the four of them lived together in a apartment like house, Pete said they all lived together to save money but Brendon thought it was because they just didn't want to be away from each other.

Brendon was excited to see Pete again, he hadn't seen the older boy in nearly five days. he was beginning to miss the way Pete laughed, the looks he gave to Brendon when he saw him, the way he smelled, and his soft lips. he was also excitied because he was finally going to get high.

he was nervous because chances were good that he'd also see Patrick. he'd have to come face to face with the man that loved Pete and that Pete loved back. he'd probably also have to see the two of them together and pretend like the jealousy wouldn't kill him where he stood.

the only thing Brendon could hope was that Patrick would be working so he could just get high, get laid, and get out.

he pulled up to Pete's place about five minutes later. he cursed as he parked infront of the large brick apartment like house and saw Patrick's silver impala parked in the driveway. next to it sat Andy's black buick that he had just ridden in five days earlier.

Brendon climbed out of his car and slid his cell phone out of his back pocket before dialing Pete's number. it rang three times as Brendon walked up the driveway, pass the two parked cars and up to the door that led to the inside of the garage. he tried to ignore his heart beating rapidly in his chest, Pete picked up as Brendon stood outside the garage door.

"hey, Bren-Bren haven't heard from you in awhile." he heard Pete's light bouncy voice say.

"yeah, well you haven't come to see me in awhile." Brendon replied, his voice coming off more needy then he had meant it to.

"aww do you miss me Brendon?" Pete asked, his voice low and teasing and Brendon thought that he was probably moving to a more secluded area of the house.

"I miss getting high. I'm outside your back door so come let me in." he told Pete, he didn't want to admit how much he had missed the older man. he heard Pete give a little laugh before he responded.

"be down in a second." he heard Pete say. Brendon waited patiently as he closed his cell phone and slid it back into his pocket. moments later he heard footsteps slapping against the cement floor of the garage and then the door was pulled open.

there before Brendon stood Pete and he looked better then Brendon could fucking imagine. he was wearing a black hoodie with dark black fur around the hood, he had the hood down so Brendon could see his face. his dark hair was clean and sticking up in it's usual angular fashion. the dark rings around his eyes were lessend and he looked fucking gorgeous to Brendon as he stood there smiling at him.

it took everything Brendon had not to jump on Pete right then and there.

"looks live you haven't gotten high in awhile either." Brendon said as Pete moved aside and let him enter the garage. Pete shut the door and followed Brendon inside.

"I'm just looking good because I'm seeing you." Pete said and Brendon couldn't help but grin at him. Pete was a natural born charmer. he learned early in his life to say the things that he thought people would want to hear, but Pete was also an honest person who meant what he said. Brendon learned early that it took a while to figure out which words were which.

Pete moved ahead of Brendon and the two of them walked through the small cold garage. it was dim and grey and covered with spare crap. Brendon expected Pete to move up the three wooden stairs and open up the door that led to the rest of the house. instead Pete moved up close to him and placed his hand on Brendon's chest, Brendon stopped and Pete looked seriously at Brendon.

"you know Patrick's home right?" Pete said, his voice low and serious. Brendon frowned a bit and looked away from Pete.

"yeah, I saw." he answered. "like I said, I came to get high from Joe." Brendon told Pete as he wrapped his fingers around Pete's wrist and pulled his warm hand away from his own chest. Brendon was tempted to slide his fingers down Pete's wrist and grab unto his fingers but he resisted and let go of Pete's warmth.

Pete saw that Brendon was upset and Brendon tried to push past him and go up the stairs but before he could he felt Pete put his hands on his shoulders and push him back against a shelf that held boxes of old sports equipment.

Brendon felt Pete press close to him, their hips brushed and Pete brought his face up close to Brendon's. his lips were mere inches away from Brendon's and if Brendon really wanted to kiss him all he had to do was lean forward, just a bit. he didn't and Pete spoke.

"how come you can't get high at home?" Pete whispered to Brendon, his hot breath washed against the side of his face. Brendon grinned and pushed his face towards Pete's ear.

"because, ever since the cops have started coming around, I haven't been able to get off at all." Brendon whispered into Pete's ear as he dropped his hand down and ran his palm over Pete's cock. Pete shuddered and Brendon grinned because he knew that Pete had missed him, had missed this just as much as Brendon did.

"hey Pete is someone here?" Andy's voice called out, echoing through the garage. Pete looked at Brendon and he felt Pete's hips slip away from his and his hands moved off of Brendon's shoulders and the two of them were breathing slow, their eyes still locked on one another.

"yeah, Brendon is here." Pete called back as he broke away from Brendon and went up the stairs. he opened the door and motioned for Brendon to follow him.


chapter ten: you bring out the worst in me

Brendon followed Pete into the house. they passed through the kitchen, with it's dark blue tiled floors and wooden counters. Brendon watched Pete as he walked through the house and he was tempted to reach out and take Pete's hand and let him lead him through the house.

he didn't and instead he followed Pete into the living room that shot off from the kitchen. there in the living room sat Andy and Joe on the long leather sofa. Brendon glanced around and noticed that Patrick was no where to be found.

Pete moved across the threshold and into living room, his sneakers leaving fine trails in the soft beige carpet. Pete plopped down in one of the leather recliners while Brendon cautiously walked in as Andy and Joe waved at him and he sat between the two men.

"what brings you around here Brenny?" Joe asked and Brendon wondered why Joe had an afinity for using Brendon's nicknames. Brendon was about to answer Joe when Pete did it for him.

"actually Brendon wants some of the good stuff." Pete said as he pulled his legs up into the seat and curled under them. Brendon thought that Pete's words could have a variety of meanings but it just might be that he was horny so his mind automatically went to all the dirty stuff but thankfully Joe got his meaning and he turned to Brendon with a nod to his head.

"just what is it that you want Brenny?" Joe asked as he grinned at Brendon. Andy watched them with a look on his face, kinda like he didn't want to be there in the room with this happening but he stayed on the couch all the same.

"anything" Brendon told Joe "I don't care I just need it." he was sounding needy again but this time he couldn't help it. Joe nodded again and rose up from the couch, his black flip-flops slapping against his feet as he walked back to his bedroom, where he kept his drug stash.

while Joe was gone the room was quiet and Brendon found himself staring at Pete. Pete grinned at Brendon and Pete was shooting Brendon the most gorgeous looks in his directions and it was driving Brendon up the wall. Andy noticed and promptly cleared his throat and Pete's grin widened.

Brendon heard a door open then close from somewhere in the house and he wondered if it was Joe coming back with Brendon's precious drugs. moments later Brendon learned that it wasn't Joe returning and his heart dropped to his feet as he saw Patrick enter the room.

Patrick stood in the doorway opposite the kitchen doorway. he looked surprisingly at Brendon, obviously not thinking that the boy would show up here.

"oh hey, Brendon." Patrick said as he eyed the boy, his voice which Brendon always liked, wasn't filled with anger or anything thing like that. he just sounded surprise.

"hey, Patrick." Brendon said as he raised a hand in a wave.

Patrick was a few years older then Brendon but still younger then Pete. he was chubby but still adorably cute, he had medium length strawberry blonde hair that was mostly always covered with some sort of hat. on this day Patrick was wearing a red and white trucker cap with the bill shadowing his bright blue eyes.

he eyed Pete who was still seated but his attention had diverted from Brendon to Patrick, but Brendon expected that. Patrick moved to the identical leather recliner that sat next to Pete's and a silence filled the room. Brendon wasn't talking because he was too busy watching, he was watching Pete and he was watching Patrick and his heart was beating quick because he was just waiting for them to flaunt their love.

he did notice that Pete was still sending glances his way and he noticed a devilish sparkle in Pete's warm brown eyes. Brendon watched as Pete slid over to the other side of the chair, closer to where Patrick sat. Patrick barely took note of this and continued to stare off somewhere else, no doubt wondering just what Brendon was doing at his home.

Pete snaked his tan hand down the arm of the chair and let it hang near Patrick's own hanging pale hand. a small spark of jealousy burned in Brendon as he watched Pete's long nimble fingers brush down Patrick's hand before taking Patrick's fingers and lacing them with his own.

Pete turned to look at Patrick and Patrick looked back, his cherry red lips pulled up into a smile. a smile that Brendon knew he and Pete shared often, a smile that meant much more then a just a smile. that's what Brendon hated. he hated that Pete and Patrick had an infinite number of inside jokes, secrets, stories, and back logged history. what did he and Pete have really? drug use and sex.

Brendon didn't hate Patrick, no not really. he actually thought that Patrick was a cool person and he thought that if he were clean and not madly in love with Pete then the two of them could actually be friends.

Patrick had begun to talk now. his warm voice filling up the silent room, with it's light green walls and black leather furniture. he was talking to Andy about work or something similar, Brendon wasn't really listening though. he was too focused on the way that Patrick could talk so animatedly and still keep his hand locked within Pete's. with his other hand he would occasionally press his thick rimmed glasses up his nose or run a hand unconciously over his hat.

moments later Joe came back from his room and he had heard Patrick's voice and had enough common sense not to bring the drugs out of the room with him. Brendon was extreamly glad that Joe had come out because Pete had just begun to slide his hand up Patrick's bright blue t-shirt sleeve.

Patrick noticed Joe and he looked away from Andy to look at him instead. Joe was standing just barely inside the living room, his gaze flickering between Patrick and Brendon.

"hey, Brendon. I found that record you wanted to borrow. come here and tell me if it's the right one." Joe said and Brendon almost rolled his eyes at one of the worst cover up excuses that he had heard in a long time. either way Brendon didn't want to stick around in the living room with Pete about to throw himself all over Patrick.

he nodded and pretended to be excitied about a record that he didn't want to borrow. Brendon pushed himself up off the leather couch and followed Joe back to his room. Joe closed the door behind them and that left the two men in the semi darkness of Joe's cramped room.

Brendon sat down on Joe's hard bed while Joe knelt down and lifted a small wooden box off the floor. if Brendon didn't know any better he would've thought that it was something like a music box, but he wasn't that innocent anymore and he knew that's where Joe hid his drugs.

Joe flicked the top off the box and Brendon peered inside though it was hard to see much of anything with the lamp on Joe's nightstand being the only light in the room and the warm buttery glow of said light wasn't enough to see the drugs that Joe had.

"what kind do you want?" Joe asked as he looked up at Brendon from his position on the floor. Brendon thought about it, they couldn't smoke pot because Patrick would smell the smoke, he didn't want to shoot up because he had to drive home, he figured that cocaine would be a good option.

"gimmie some blow." Brendon requested and Joe nodded quickly before he stuck his hand in the box and pulled out a small baggie filled with shimmering white powder. he pressed the baggie into Brendon's hand. Brendon leaned to his side and stuck his hand into his jeans pocket where he fished out two twenties and handed them over to Joe.

Joe moved up onto the bed next to Brendon. Brendon didn't pay him much mind as he was busy pouring out some of the powder on to a small square mirror that Joe had offered to him. he seperated the cocaine into two lines. Joe watched him, his electric blue eyes seemed to glow in the dim room.

"me first." Brendon said as he glanced at Joe, Joe gave a slight nod. Brendon bent his head down to the mirror and snorted up the two powdered lines. instantly Brendon felt better despite the burning in his nose and throat. he let his head roll back as he felt Joe lean over and slide the mirror from his hands.

Brendon assumed that Joe was doing his two lines but in that moment he couldn't care less. the headache he had been experiencing for the last few days was becoming nothing but a memory. he heard the sound of Joe snorting the coke and moments later he felt a curly haired head on his shoulder.

"you gonna be okay to act normal in front of trick?" Joe asked and Brendon nodded as he reached out and flicked Joe's curly hair. Brendon stood and watched as Joe fell back onto his bed, his heart was beating fast but he was happy about it, the cocaine had that effect on him.

he left Joe's room and went back into the living room. he found that Pete was still seated in his leather chair and Andy was still on the couch but Patrick was no where to be found. this made Brendon feel slightly happier.

"hey, did you find that record you were looking for?" Pete asked as he looked up at Brendon with a grin and a slight wink, Brendon looked down at Pete echoing the grin back to him.

"yeah, I did and it's fucking amazing!" Brendon said as he watched Pete's face. "where's Patrick?" Brendon asked as he licked his lips.

"oh, he's in his room getting ready for work." Pete said as he looked up at Brendon with those warm tempting eyes. Brendon noticed that Pete had said his room not our room and it made Brendon smile.

"oh." was all Brendon said as his mind raced with a million or so thoughts, most of them involving Pete. "where's your bathroom?" Brendon asked and Pete's face went blank before it broke into a grin. Brendon was fucking horny and the incident in the garage earlier hadn't helped. he thought maybe he could get into the bathroom jerk off and get out with no one being the wiser.

"oh, you don't remember? here I'll show you." Pete said as he hopped out of the chair and turned to look at Brendon, motioning for him to follow. as Pete took off and Brendon followed, the duo heard Andy sigh but Brendon ignored him because, fuck he had Matt to get off on.

the bathroom that Pete was leading Brendon to was located by the staircase that Patrick had come down from earlier. they pulled a left and Pete stopped, allowing Brendon to enter the gray bathroom that was decorated with little lighthouses.

Brendon stepped inside, his feet echoing against the gray floor. he turned to watch Pete who was holding onto the golden doorknob smiling at Brendon. Brendon didn't know if Pete was coming inside or just going to walk away, he didn't know half the shit that Pete did but that didn't stop him from wanting him to do it.

Pete let go of the handle and stepped inside the bathroom. Pete's lips were on Brendon's before Brendon even heard the bathroom door click closed. Brendon stumbled back as Pete kissed him, Pete's hands flew to Brendon's body, one wrapping around his neck and the other fisting into his dark black hair. Brendon's own hands caught Pete around the waist.

Pete turned them and pushed Brendon up against the cold white wall that sat next to the shower. it was a beautiful contrast, the cold burn of the wall against Brendon's back and the heat from Pete pressed against him in the front. Pete's tongue slid around Brendon's mouth while Brendon's hands made their way under Pete's hoodie to touch the tan smooth skin of Pete's stomach and waist.

they broke the kiss and Brendon rested his head back against the wall, exposing his neck for Pete. Pete kissed his lips, soft and simple as his hand rode up under Brendon's black t-shirt and the other toyed with the button of Brendon's jeans.

Pete placed another kiss on Brendon's jawline before he moved down to Brendon's neck. he licked down the line of Brendon's neck before he came back up and kissed him on the spot just below his ear. his hot hands tracing patterns up Brendon's tight chest.

"did it make you jealous?" Brendon heard Pete's breathy voice whisper into his ear.

"what?" Brendon responded as he cracked open a honey brown eye to look at Pete. he was so turned on that he almost didn't hear the older man talking.

"when I was flirting with Patrick earlier. did it make you jealous?" Pete asked, his voice no longer a whisper but a low rumble. he had stopped kissing Brendon and Brendon almost let a whimper escape his throat as Pete pulled his hands out from under his shirt.

Pete moved his hands to the wall on either side of Brendon's head, his chest and hips still pressed tight against Brendon's body and Brendon could feel Pete's hardon pressed against his thigh.

there was a silence between the two men. Pete was looking up into Brendon's face, his own face was serious and awaiting an answer. "yeah." Brendon said after a moment and he saw a dark glimmer in Pete's eyes and a small flash of a grin.

Brendon didn't know why Pete was asking him this, he also didn't know why he said yes. Brendon knew that it made him sound pathetic and he knew that it gave Pete the control in the relationship.

"why are you asking me shit like this?" Brendon asked as he looked down at Pete, his hands still locked on Pete's waist. Pete smiled, his lips revealing those large white teeth that Brendon loved.

"because-" he began as he leaned up, his hands sliding down to Brendon's shoulders and his face coming up close to Brendon's, their lips mere inches apart. "it fucking turns me on to know you're jealous." Pete said as he pressed himself forward and kissed Brendon again.

Pete's kisses were hotter now, more agressive. they were all tongues and teeth and hands. Pete's hands were trailing down to Brendon's pants, he let his hand palm over Brendon's erection through his jeans and Brendon moaned into Pete's mouth.

Pete easily undid Brendon's pants and hastily pushed them down to his knees. Brendon couldn't concentrait, his mind was trying to wrap itself around what Pete had said. he had admitted that he liked the fact that Brendon got jealous of his and Patrick's relationship. he wasn't wracked with guilt that he was cheating, no he was getting off on it.

Brendon didn't know how that made him feel considering that he was turned on by the fact that he was making out with Pete while his boyfriend was upstairs. Brendon was pulled from any thoughts of guilt by Pete's warm hands on his hard cock.

"oh, fuck Pete" Brendon muttered as Pete stroked him and placed wet kisses to the side of his face.

"Brendon." Pete breathed into Brendon's ear as he pulled at Brendon's cock. "did Joe give you some coke?" he asked as he nibbled at Brendon's ear. Brendon breathlessly nodded and he heard Pete give a little laugh. "you should give me some." Pete suggested and he stopped his stroking so Brendon could concentrait on what he was saying.

"are-are you sure?" Brendon breathed out as he focused on Pete's handsome face. "won't Patrick notice?" he asked. Pete grinned, he seemed to be perpetually grinning and Brendon thought that maybe it was due to his anticipation of getting high.

"no, I hide it well, he won't even notice." Pete whispered as he leaned in and bit at Brendon's bottom lip, sucking it into his mouth. Brendon's brain went fuzzy, his heartbeat quickened and his leaking cock pulsed.

"alright. it's-it's in my left jeans pocket." Brendon muttered as he was willing to give Pete anything he wanted as long as it meant he could get more of that earlier beautiful pleasure. Pete was still grinning as he nodded and reached his hand down to Brendon's crumpled jeans and dug around in the tight pocket for the baggie of cocaine.

Pete claimed the baggie and he took Brendon's hand into his own palm down and poured some of it out onto Brendon's hand. he proceeded to snort it off of Brendon's hand. Pete let out a sastisfied sigh and immediently pressed his lips back to Brendon's.

now that Pete had gotten his fixed he seemed intent on getting off and Brendon couldn't be happier.

Pete undid his own pants and slid them down revealing his own hard leaking cock. Brendon thought that Pete would turn him around and start fucking him but much to his surprise he pulled Brendon away from the wall and flipped their positions.

"get the lube out of the cabinet Brenny." Pete said as he kissed him and pushed him towards the cabinet. Brendon was having trouble walking with his pants around his ankles but he made it there all the same and came back to Pete holding the requested lube.

Brendon poured the lube on himself and moments later the duo was going at it. Pete's was now stripped of his hoodie and pressed with his chest and hands up against the cold wall, his shirt riding up with each of Brendon's thrusts.

Brendon was inside him, one hand digging into his tanned side and the other wrapped around Pete's cock. "mmm yeah, fuck, yeah Brendon." Pete moaned as he turned his head, his cheek pressed against the wall.

they had to be quiet so none of Pete's roomates, or god forbid Patrick heard them but Brendon's mind was buzzing with pleasure and he was concentraiting on the feeling of being with Pete that he couldn't register how loud either of them was being.

"oh, god, Pete yes" Brendon mumbled into Pete's ear as he rested his head on Pete's shoulder, his sweat slicked bangs sticking to Pete's tanned skin. Pete was so hot and fucking gorgeous like this, all filled with want and need and the way his back looked as he was hunched against the wall.

"fuck, fuck me harder Brendon." Pete requested as he pushed back against Brendon and Brendon's mouth fell open because his attraction for Pete was combining with the cocaine and it was a beautiful burn across his stomach and chest and he worked his hips in a frenzy as he slammed into Pete.

Brendon was still stroking Pete off and he felt Pete's hips buck against his hand and the precum from Pete wetting his hand.

"Pete, where are you? I want to say goodbye before I leave!" the two men suddenly heard Patrick's voice calling out presumably from the staircase. Brendon froze up as if Patrick could suddenly see exactly what they were doing.

"ah-you-you better hurry it up Brendon." Pete said and he made a sound crossed with a laugh and a moan. fuck, this situation was so fucked up. Brendon was in a bathroom fucking Pete against a wall while Pete's boyfriend was calling for him. Brendon thought that maybe he was just as fucked up as Pete because that thought turned him on and he drove himself into Pete and Pete pressed back.

it didn't take long for Brendon to feel that tightening that meant that Pete was close and seconds later he felt a hot stickiness wash over his fingers and a subdued cry was pulled from Pete as he leaned back against Brendon and Brendon reached up with his clean hand and turned Pete to face him and he kissed him as he came with a final thrust.

they stayed locked like that, kissing as their bodies shuddered from the afterglow of an orgasm. they pulled apart and Pete reached down and pulled his pants up, tucking himself back in. as soon as Pete left him Brendon missed his body, his warmth and his kisses.

Pete turned and kissed him, his grin had returned to his handsome face. he reached down and pulled up Brendon's jeans as well and Brendon wipped his hand on his jeans before leaning forward and kissing Pete once more, deep and passioNate as if trying his best to claim the boy or make him remember the kiss while he was with Patrick.

Pete's hands left Brendon's body and he already missed the warmth. "wait a few minutes before coming out of the bathroom." Pete told him as he raised a hand and ran it through Brendon's dark shock of hair. Brendon nodded because he knew the drill and suddenly he was feeling less like Pete's lover and more like a mistress or a cheap whore, but the way his heart swelled as Pete ran his fingers through his hair...he knew he could never give that up.

Pete moved to the bathroom door and Brendon moved out of the way incase Patrick was standing in the line of view of the door. "oh Brendon," Pete began as he rested his tan hand on the golden handle.

"what?" Brendon asked as he straightened himself up in the large square mirror.

"I'll come by later to get more." Pete said with a wink and Brendon knew he looked confused. Brendon wasn't sure if he meant sex or drugs but either way it meant seeing Pete again and that was something that Brendon wasn't inclined to give up.

Brendon nodded and Pete opened the door and stepped out, leaving it ajar for Brendon to slip out. "I'm down here Patrick." he heard Pete say and he could just make out Pete climbing the stairs that led to Patrick's room. Brendon felt a burn of jealousy and he counted to sixty before slipping out of the bathroom and out of the house without saying goodbye.


chapter eleven: did you know you were my hero?

Brendon got back into his maroon car. it was raining harder now, as though the weather was feeling the same sense of release that he was feeling. he started up his car and spared a glance at the brick house he had just left. his soft brown eyes trailed to the window at the top floor of the house. the window that faced the street, that was Pete and Patrick's room. that was their window.

Brendon sighed and he ran a hand through his hair. he was wet from the rain that was pouring down around him and he was slick with sweat from his activities with Pete. Brendon laughed a bit, he had just taken a shower before he came over but now he was a mess. somehow Brendon didn't care that he was now sweaty or that his hair was a mess because he smelled like Pete and that always put him at ease.

Brendon couldn't deny that he was jealous. he wished that he and Pete didn't have to hide in a bathroom, that's why he liked when Pete would come over to his place. it was there that he could pretend just for a little while that Pete lived there with him and that they had the kind of relationship that he and Patrick had. he liked the feeling of pressing Pete down into the saggy mattress, or the feeling of being laid on top of while Pete would hold on to the headboard of Brendon's bed as they fucked.

Patrick really didn't know how lucky he was. Brendon saw the garage door open and almost as if he had known that Brendon was thinking of him Patrick walked out of the door and down into the driveway. silver keys dangled from his hand and he seemed to notice Brendon, his face held a look of surprise.

Patrick raised a hand in a small wave and gave a slight nod to Brendon. Brendon tried his best not to look like he was insanely jealous of Patrick and instead gave him a small wave back. Brendon drove off as Patrick climbed into his car.

Patrick followed Brendon for a good block and a half. Brendon felt like Patrick's eyes were boring into his back and maybe he could see the small square baggie of cocaine in his pocket. Brendon swore as he just remembered that he was carrying the baggie on him. he made it a rule that he never carried drugs on him when he drove for fear of being caught. Pete had distracted him and he was now nervous.

Brendon thought about maybe pulling over in a parking lot somewhere and snorting the rest of the coke. he gripped the steering wheel a little tighter, his knuckles turning a pale white. Brendon decided not to pull over anywhere and do the drugs. he would go home and use it then, or hide it along with his other drugs.

Patrick turned and Brendon figured that he was going to work. Patrick worked at the local bookstore on the busy side of town. Brendon thought that the job suited Patrick pretty well.

Brendon pulled back onto freemont street and rattled his car down the dreary road. the sky was overcast and gray and the rain had stopped but it still looked like it could pour down again at any second. Brendon's brown eyes scanned Spencer's house as his car rumbled past. he could see that the door to their house was now open and Jon's white pick up truck was missing from the driveway.

Brendon found himself relieved that Jon was gone and part of him felt the urge to go and check in on Spencer. if Brendon could cook he'd take a cake or cookies or something over to Spencer. that's what his mother used to do when she wanted the latest neighborhood gossip.

he ignored the urge to check on Spencer and instead pulled into his driveway. his own home looked dark and dreary and Brendon wondered what Ryan was up to inside.

when Brendon entered the house he found that things were not as he had left it. the refrigerator door was pulled open and various food items were spread around the table and counter. clothes were pulled out into the living room and the television was on and turned up to a loud volume. Ryan's bedroom door was open and so was Brendon's.

if Brendon wasn't used to Ryan's antics then he might have been worried that his house had been robbed. he thought that Ryan was very much like a puppy, if he was left alone too long then the house would pay the price. Brendon stepped over shirts and pants and shoes that dusted the floor and he headed towards Ryan's room.

he peered his head inside and found that the room was empty. Brendon had tried his best to leave Ryan's room exactly as it had been before Ryan's accident. the walls were a deep dark black with deep red curtains hung up around the window. the medium sized bed's headboard was pressed against the wall and the end of the bed held a bit of space between the dresser and a small tv sat on top of the dresser.

where before the room was littered with books and notebooks and other miscellainous things that belonged to Ryan. those things were now replaced. now Ryan's mistmatched clothes littered the wooden floors and toys that belonged to little kids were placed in various places. the tv was on in here too and cartoons flashed brightly across the screen.

Brendon left Ryan's room and padded across to his own room. he pulled open his solid door and stepped inside. the room was dark but there was enough light to see a figure huddled in Brendon's bed. Brendon didn't need to check to see who it was, he already knew it was Ryan.

Ryan appeared to be sleeping so Brendon left him there and slid instead into the bathroom. Brendon sat down on the edge of the puke green tub and lifted the baggie of coke out of his pocket. he repeated the acts from earlier and poured the coke out onto the back of his hand before he dipped his head, his black hair falling into his eyes as he snorted the drugs into his system.

Brendon felt like maybe he didn't need to do the coke, there wasn't a driving need for it anymore. he already had a buzz going but he did the rest of the coke anyway, maybe so he wouldn't have it anymore maybe so there was always a reason to get more.

Brendon could remember back when he first did cocaine. he was so hyper he thought he was going to die from the feeling of the intense rush of pleasure. but after years of doing it he had lost that one time excitment and now when he did coke he felt nothing but calmer, more normal. he knew it wasn't good if he needed drugs to feel normal.

he spent the next fifteen minutes cleaning up the messes that Ryan had made around the house. the drugs giving him enough incentive to fix up the house. when the house was clean enough Brendon headed back to his room, back to where Ryan was sleeping in his bed.

he moved to the opposite side of the bed and pulled back the thick black comforter that Ryan was safely snuggled under. Brendon slid under the blanket and laid back on the bed. his body wasn't exactly tired but his mind felt heavy and weary and closing his eyes felt too good to resist. he rolled over on his side facing the wall and after a few moments he felt a warm arm wrap around him and a thin chest pull close to his back.

as Brendon laid in bed and listened to the soft sounds of Ryan's sleepy breathing, he found his thoughts drifting back to tan skin and big goofy smiles and dark black hair, he was thinking of Pete.

Brendon was trying hard to remember the first time he had met Pete. not the time two years ago when Brendon was eighteen and Pete was the most gorgeous thing Brendon had ever seen. no, Brendon wanted to think back further and remember four years before that, the real first time that Brendon met Pete.

it was in the spring when Brendon was fourteen. Brendon was in the last finishing months of ninth grade but really he could care less about school. Ryan was fifteen at the time and he recalled the one day back in may when he was over at Ryan's house.

Ryan was jonesing for some pot and he had called their drug dealer Joe, who was a senior at the time. Ryan had set up the deal as he sat on the couch next to Brendon who was attempting in vain to do their math homework. Brendon always found it interesting how wide and happy Ryan smiled right before he was about to do something illegal.

he listened to his bestfriend talk to the older boy and when he hung up the phone Ryan stood and grabbed Brendon's wrist. "come on Brendon, we're going to get some weed." Ryan said sounding cheerful and bouncing up and down. Brendon considered it lucky that neither of Ryan's parents happened to be around much so the two of them could get away with things like this.

it was a warm saturday afternoon as they left Ryan's house.

"where are we going ry?" Brendon asked and Ryan, who was still holding Brendon's wrist turned with a smile.

"we're meeting Joe up at the school." he told Brendon. Brendon balked at the idea of going to their high school on a saturday, even if it meant they could get drugs.

"why is Joe at the school on a saturday?" Brendon asked, he had seen Joe and he certainly didn't seem like the type to be at school unless he had to be. Ryan shrugged a little.

"I don't know. he's at a soccer game or something." Ryan said, as the two teens continued down the street. Ryan didn't live too far away from their high school so it only took them about ten minutes to arrive at the large brown stone building that was their high school.

the two boys passed by the front of the building and went around the right side, passed the parking lot where a good amount of cars were parked. they continued walking around to the back of the school where a giant slope of expansive green grass was spread out before them.

they headed down the hill with Ryan practically running down to the large silver bleachers, Brendon following along behind him. the three large silver bleachers were filled with a good amount of people who were out to see the soccer game that was being played.

a few feet in front of the bleachers was a long chain link fence. it streched around and enclosed the field where the game was being played. they spotted Joe standing with his hands on the fence. Ryan and Brendon approached him

back then Joe had the same dark hair but it wasn't in the fluffy afro like state it was in now. instead it was cut short and curly and made him look a hell of a lot younger then eighteen.

"hey, Joe!" Ryan said excitiedly as he reached the older boy and placed his hand on Joe's shoulder. Joe turned, his mouth turning into an easy smile.

"hey Ross, hey Urie." Joe said as he reached out and patted each boy on the shoulder. Joe had an affinity at the time for calling people by their last names, it was kinda like how he had an affinty now for calling Brendon, Brenny. "listen, the game is almost over so I'll give you the stuff after." he told them.

Ryan nodded and moved to stand next to Joe at the fence, his fingers slipping through the links. Brendon came to stand next to Ryan. he didn't really like soccer but there really wasn't much else he could do beside watch the game. Brendon folded his arms and rested them on the fence as he watched the game.

he could see the players from their school, in their red and white uniforms as they raced down the field chasing the black and white ball. he didn't know who was winning but he watched anyway and hoped it was the home team. the people behind them on the bleachers were cheering loudly.

they were cheering for one player in paticular. a short blur of red, white, and black that was dashing down the field with the ball at his feet. Brendon watched the player as he ran towards the goal and made an amazing shot that soared through the air and got passed the other team's goalie, scoring the home team a goal.

the player, was looking all kinds of proud. Brendon watched him intently, he was smiling a huge goofy smile his white teeth showing bright. his dark hair was short and looked almost like a buzz cut, but longer. he had dark tanned skin and seemed to ooze charisma, Brendon was enthralled by him.

the game ended a few minutes after that goal. the enchanting player had managed to score three more goals, successfully winning the game for Brendon and Ryan's high school team. the crowd behind Brendon was cheering wildly for the boy and Joe was yelling hoots into the air. Ryan was clapping and Brendon found himself clapping and grinning.

Brendon watched as the two opposing teams gave each other high fives and congratulated each other on a good game. the home team took to patting the tanned player on his back as he made his way towards where Joe, Ryan, and Brendon stood.

"hey, Pete great game man." Joe said as he high fived the player named Pete. Pete just grinned and wiped the sweat off his body with the fluffy white towel that rested over his shoulder.

"thanks Joe." Pete said. Pete had diverted his atteniton to Ryan and Brendon, his deep brown eyes flickering over the two young boys. "who are they?" he asked, motioning his head in their direction.

"oh, that's Ryan and Brendon." Joe said as he pointed out each boy.

"hey." Pete said with a small wave as he took in each boy. Brendon waved back and Ryan nodded. Brendon could tell that Ryan wasn't interested in Pete. he was more interested in getting the pot from Joe, but Brendon was interested in Pete. not a romantic sort of interest because it would be a few years until Brendon figured out that he liked guys but he thought that Pete was just too damn cool. Brendon hadn't realized it at the time but he had begun to look up to Pete.

"Joe, uh, can we get our stuff now?" Ryan asked as he tapped Joe on the shoulder and sent glances in Pete's direction.

"oh, yeah right." Joe said as he turned to face Ryan. "follow me." he said as he motioned for Brendon and Ryan to follow.

"I'll catch up with you later Joe." Pete called and Brendon watched as Pete made his way to the exit of the field, where he could make out the figure of a girl, one who was probably waiting for Pete.

Joe threw Pete a thumbs up sign before he led Ryan and Brendon up the slope of hill towards the left side of the school. where there was a space between the school and the indoor pool that was isolated enough to perform a drug deal.

Joe handed off the pot and Ryan handed him his entire weeks allowance. Ryan grinned like an idiot as he pocketed the bag of weed. they then headed back around to the parking lot, Brendon cursed the fact that the school was so large and everything was so far apart. when they reached the parking lot Brendon saw that most of the cars had cleared out and Pete was leaning against his green car apparently waiting for Joe.

"you ready to go Joe?" Pete asked as he flicked the car keys around in his hand. Joe nodded and Pete pointed at Ryan and Brendon. "you two want a ride?" he asked and Brendon was saying yes before Ryan could say anything at all.

so Pete drove them home and Brendon listened to Pete talk on the drive home. he talked about music and soccer and some things that Brendon didn't really understand at the time. Pete dropped them off and Brendon knew that no matter what he wanted to hang around Pete again.

Brendon felt Ryan snuggle deeper into his back and it served to pull him from his past. he sighed in the semi darkness of his room and he wondered if Pete even remembered that first meeting. Brendon really hoped that he did.


chapter twelve: confessions in a shed.

Brendon was woken up a few hours later by a hot mouth on his neck and the heavy weight of a body on top of him. for a moment Brendon thought it was Ryan. "Ryan-Ryan, no." Brendon said as he attempted to push the body off of him but he found that his wrists were being held down by strong hands.

"not Ryan, baby." Brendon heard the hushed voice of Pete whisper hot into his ear.

"Pete?" Brendon asked as he stared into the semi-darkness of his bedroom, trying to see the figure on top of him.

"mmmhmm." he heard Pete mumble as he trailed kisses down his neck. normally Brendon would wonder how Pete got in the house or if he had interacted with Ryan but right now Pete's warmth and the weight of his body on top of Brendon felt too good to care.

Pete kissed Brendon and he shifted and pressed his hips down to meet Brendon's own, he could feel the brush of Pete's erection against his thigh. Pete let go of Brendon's wrist's and broke their kiss.

he flashed a grin at Brendon before he slid down Brendon's thin body, stopping when his head was level with Brendon's crotch. Pete's one hand was hastily pushing up Brendon's shirt while the other was undoing his jeans as Pete placed a kiss on Brendon's stomach.

"lift up baby." Pete requested and Brendon did as he was told. Pete pulled Brendon's jeans down to his knees and despite the two of them fucking a few hours ago Brendon was more then ready for round two.

Pete moved a little further down Brendon's body, his tongue and teeth biting and nipping at the soft pale flesh of Brendon's thighs. Brendon responded by arching up off the bed, he desperately wanted Pete to touch his now aching cock.

"Pete, please." Brendon was begging to be touched by him and he saw Pete grin and Brendon knew that that's what he had been waiting for.

"alright, Brendon." Pete whispered, his hot breath surrounding Brendon's cock and making him twitch. Pete moved up and licked the head of Brendon's cock. Brendon let out a groan and his hand slid up to brush the side of Pete's gorgeous face.

Pete wrapped his mouth around Brendon's member and held the base of his cock. Pete worked fast, moving his mouth and hand in a way that had Brendon arching off the bed and his hands fisting into Pete's dark inky black hair. Brendon groaned and remembered his last blowjob and he thought that Pete could suck dick better then Matt ever could.

Brendon pushed himself up on his elbows and watched Pete, who was looking back up at him. Brendon's body tingled and he pushed further into Pete's mouth and Pete took it, his hands holding down Brendon's hips.

it was then that Brendon noticed that his bedroom door was open. he tried his best to ignore it but he couldn't. "pe-Pete." he began "my bedroom door, ah-ah-we-we gotta-uhn close it." Brendon said as Pete sucked him off. Pete pulled off of him for a moment.

"why Brenny?" he asked, his voice deep and pleasure filled. Brendon was breathing harshly and he licked his lips.

"I-I don't want Ryan to see." Brendon said and Pete kinda gave a shrug before he lowered himself back near Brendon's dick, his hot breath making Brendon squirm.

"maybe I want him to see." Pete cooed and wrapped his mouth back on Brendon's dick. it didn't take long between Pete's skilled mouth and hands for Brendon to come. Brendon let the waves of pleasure wash over him and he ran his hands softly through Pete's hair. Pete came up and laid beside Brendon, he kissed him on the cheek before attacking his full lips.

"do you want me to return the favor?" Brendon asked as he palmed Pete's cock through his jeans. Pete kissed him on the cheek again and shook his head.

"nah, that was a freebie. consider it an apology for making you jealous earlier." Pete told him. "but you owe me." he added. Brendon reached down and pulled his jeans back up.

"oh? would this favor have anything to do with the stash of drugs that I am hiding in my shed?" Brendon asked and Pete grinned.

"possibly." he said, his fingers brushing Brendon's hair out of his face.

Brendon and Pete climbed out of Brendon's bed and Brendon did up his jeans before they headed out into the living room. Ryan was in the living room watching tv and he paid little to no mind of Brendon and Pete. Brendon toed on his shoes and led Pete through the kitchen and out the side door.

the duo walked to the backyard, back to the blue and white chipped shed. Brendon undid the lock and pulled open the heavy door, he stepped back allowing Pete to step inside and he followed.

it was cramped inside the shed and smelled of old clothes and dust. Brendon felt the sudden warmth of Pete's hand being pressed into his own. his heart quivered a bit. it was no secret that Brendon was in love with Pete. he had been madly in love with him for two years. that's why he allowed Pete to get away with so much around him, Brendon was just plain in love with Pete.

Brendon reached up and found the dangling string of a lightswitch and gave it a tug. instantly the dim lightbulb popped on sending a warm golden light into the darkness of the shed.

Brendon spotted the box of drugs that was sitting on top of other boxes of miscellianious things from Brendon's past, things he couldn't even remember anymore.

"so what's your poison Pete?" Brendon asked. he opened the box before looking at Pete. Pete's usual drug of choice was cocaine as was Brendon's but after doing it twice today Brendon was jonesing for something different.

"heroine?" Pete asked and Brendon rifled through the box before nodding. little was said between the two men, they had gone through this scenrio thousands of times. by now they knew each other enough to not need a dialouge.

Brendon fished out the clean needles and the liquid drug itself. he also pulled out the two cords of thick rubber that they would need to wrap around their arms in order to make their veins more visible. Brendon handed Pete his items and Pete set to work on himself quickly.

Brendon didn't bother with his materials, not yet. he was too busy watching Pete. watching as sharp silver pierced tan flesh and Pete gave a sastisfied groan as he pushed the plunger down, sending heroine coursing through his veins. Pete's dark hair hung down in his eyes but Brendon could see a smile on his gorgeous face.

as Brendon injected himself Pete threw his materials into a beat up trash can that sat dusty in the corner.

"you said the cops have been sniffing around?" Pete asked. he pulled the sleeve of his hoodie down before looking up at Brendon.

"ah, yeah, they were here a few days ago." Brendon said, his eyes flickering between what he was doing to himself and Pete's handsome face. Brendon finished his injection and he too threw his materials into the old trash can. he could feel the warm sort of fuzziness that he got from the heroine spreading through his body already.

"then you probably shouldn't keep your drugs in the shed." Pete told Brendon as he looked around the shed, his eyes catching the various boxes. Brendon heard his suggestion but he pushed it to the back of his mind. there was something else he wanted to talk to Pete about, something that had been bugging him ever since he left Pete's house earlier that day.

"Pete?" Brendon began. Pete raised his head to look at Brendon in a sign that he had heard the younger boy. "why do you do drugs when you know Patrick doesn't want you to?" Brendon asked, he knew the question was blunt and unexpected seeing as he rarely asked questions regarding Patrick.

Pete looked surprised, it was obvious that he wasn't expecting this kind of question to come from Brendon, but regardless if he expected it or not Pete didn't miss a beat with his anwser.

"because I need it. just like I need you." Pete grinned as he answered Brendon. Brendon was tempted to roll his eyes as Pete dolled out some more of his patentent charm. normally Brendon would probably just allow Pete to be his cheesy self but something about today, about what had happened earlier made him press the issue.

"do you love me?" Brendon asked. his dark brown eyes surveying Pete's face. again Pete looked surprised but again he had an answer ready.

"of course I love you Brendon." Pete said, his voice taking on a loving tone. he moved forward and for the second time that day Pete pinned Brendon against a wall. he brought their faces close together, just inches from touching. Pete was still trying to use his body to avoid anymore questions and Brendon was tempted to allow this, except that he had more questions.

"but not as much as you love Patrick right?" Brendon half whispered. Pete's face went blank for a split second but he recovered quickly. he gave a half laugh and pulled away from Brendon a bit.

"I love Patrick. I love him more then I love anything else in this world." Pete admitted and even though Brendon always knew it was true, hearing Pete say it didn't hurt any less. Brendon was hearing things that were hurting him but he still didn't stop. he felt like these things needed to be said.

"but I still love you too." Pete added and he had the gull to slip in close and give Brendon a chaste kiss. Brendon didn't respond to the kiss and Pete broke apart with a small frown.

"if I didn't have drugs would you still love me?" Brendon asked. he was nervous, he didn't really want to know the anwser but at the same time he did.

Pete didn't say anything. Brendon thought that maybe he was avoiding the question. he moved back away from Brendon to lean against the shed wall so that now he and Brendon were opposite each other. Pete probably realized that he wasn't going to be able to use his body to get out of having this conversation.

"why are you asking me all this stuff anyway?" Pete asked and Brendon detected a twinge of annoyance in his voice.

"because I want to know." Brendon said. because Brendon really did want to know. "just tell me Pete. just tell me the truth." Brendon asked, he looked up nervously at Pete.

"fine Brendon. it is true, I do love Patrick more then I love you and if you didn't have drugs and I couldn't get my fix then I probably wouldn't be here as much as I am. is that what you wanted to hear Brendon?" Pete asked. his voice had gone soft and intense.

Brendon felt a pain in his chest and tears threatend to prick his eyes but at least Brendon knew the truth. as he watched Pete he seemed to have a relevation, there in the shed. Brendon knew what he had to do.

"Pete, I-I don't think we should see each other anymore." Brendon said suddenly. Pete's face took on a blank look and his eyes narrowed a bit.

"what? Brendon, why?" Pete asked and Brendon knew that Pete was geniuinly surprised even though he really shouldn't be.

"because Pete, you basically just admitted that you love Patrick more then me and that if I weren't getting high with you, if I didn't do drugs you wouldn't even be with me!" Brendon half shouted. his frustrations were getting the best of him but he couldn't help it.

Pete remained silent, his face locked in that same blank stare. so Brendon continued.

"and I deserve better then that. I need someone that can be with me whenever I need them. whenever I want them to be. someone that I don't have to hide in bathrooms and sheds with, someone who doesn't get off on cheating on their lover and someone who will love me whether I'm sober or on drugs. Pete, that's what I want." Brendon said, his voice quivered a bit as he listed all the things he wanted, all the things Pete wasn't.

Pete seemed lost in thought, like he was trying to take in everything that Brendon had just said.

"but Brendon...we have such a good thing going." Pete began, his voice was small and weak, almost like a child. Brendon raised his hand and stopped Pete before he could go on any further.

"it's over Pete." Brendon said. he took a step forward, a step closer to Pete. "I'm putting my foot down, this ends now." he finished and it pained him to say it, it really did but he knew deep down that it was right.

Pete's handsome face now held a mixture of hurt and anger. Brendon couldn't tell if he was getting upset that he was getting dumped or that he was losing a source of drugs.

"fine, Brendon. break up with me but what happens then?" Pete asked and he mimiced Brendon and took a step forward and suddenly the two were close up again.

"who in the fuck is going to want you?" Pete began again, his voice low and harsh. "I don't exactly see anyone clamoring to get their hands on you. break up with me and after I'm gone you'll be all alone and all you'll have is that fucking retard to keep you company!" Pete shouted. he was angry and frowning deep and Brendon could see the intensity in his eyes.

"don't fucking call him that!" Brendon said through gritted teeth. he was angry now too, now Pete was out to hurt him on purpose and that fact itself hurt more then the words being spoken.

"whatever, I'm fucking out of here." Pete said hotly and he knocked into Brendon roughly as he passed. Pete pushed the shed door open and took a few steps outside.

Brendon was furious, his insides buring with anger. he was the one ending things so why did it feel like Pete had all the power? his fists clenched in anger. he couldn't, he just couldn't let Pete get away with thinking he'd won.

"I'll tell Patrick!" Brendon yelled, the words had left his mouth so fast that he barely believed that he had been the one to say them. Pete froze in his tracks and he slowly turned around to face Brendon.

"what?" Pete asked, his voice deadly serious.

"I'll tell Patrick." Brendon repeated. his own voice had gone lower but also more intense. "I'll tell him that you come here and get high and that you fuck me. I'll tell him everything and then he'll leave you! he'll leave you because he'll know that you're a liar and he'll know that your unfaithful. he'll leave you, and then you'll be alone just like me." Brendon said, his voice strong and sure.

Pete just stared at him disbelieving. "you wouldn't." he said, he was testing Brendon or maybe just wanting to believe that Brendon wouldn't.

"I would and I am." Brendon said defensivly. Brendon could see Pete's face was a deep frown but regardless he stood his ground.

"why do you want to hurt Patrick?" Pete asked and Brendon could plainly see the hate in Pete's eyes.

"I don't." Brendon began. he took a few steps so that he was standing just inside the shed. "I want to hurt you." Pete's face fell and Brendon could see Pete's fists tighten. he thought for a moment that Pete would come up and punch him but he didn't.

instead Pete turned adbruptly and stalked through the backyard and around the side to the front of the house. Brendon stood motionless as he watched Pete go. he heard the slam of a car door and the loud sound of an engine revving and the squeal of tires buring against the street.

he caught a glimpse of Andy's car as it made a sharp turn around the corner and Brendon stepped out of the shed. he was breathing heavy and his heart was beating fast. he felt drained and a sadness took over his body. bendon walked back to the house desperate to not think about the man who had left him, the man he still loved.


chapter thirthteen: the conversation in the night

Brendon stood in his kitchen with his cell phone in hand. he had Patrick's number dialed on the phone but he couldn't bring himself to hit the call button. he wanted to do it but it was getting pretty late now. almost eleven at night and he knew that Patrick didn't get out of work till midnight. why a bookstore needed to be open till midnight, Brendon didn't know but he didn't want to spring the news while Patrick was at work.

so instead Brendon made himself and Ryan some late dinner and he sat lackluster infront of the tv while the latest nonsense dribbled on before him. Brendon knew he had done the right thing in breaking up with Pete. the relationship obviously wasn't healthy, it wasn't really good for anyone. Brendon wanted to be glad that he did the right thing but there was one slight problem. he still fucking loved Pete.

even when Brendon was telling Pete that he didn't want to see him anymore, even when he saw the deep hatred in Pete's eyes when he threatened to tell Patrick. even then Brendon's heart was calling out for Pete. even in that moment Brendon still wanted Pete.

Brendon did remember something that Pete had said in the shed earlier, before they had begun fighting. he had suggested that Brendon not keep his drugs in the shed. Brendon thought that maybe the cops would search the shed but now he was more worried that Pete was going to call the cops on him.

he knew he had to move the drugs somewhere else now. somewhere the cops wouldn't be able to find and somewhere that Pete didn't know about. Brendon thought about maybe buring the box in the backyard...no, that was a stupid idea. he sighed because in the back of his mind he knew all along who he needed.

Brendon left Ryan in the living room and he headed back to his bedroom. he was still reluctant to call Gabe. no, it wasn't exactly Gabe's fault that Ryan got raped but still seeing Gabe would no doubt bring back those memories of that horrible night. but Brendon knew that he needed Gabe's help so he called anyway.

it took two rings before Gabe anwsered.

"Brendon, I haven't heard from you in quite some time." Gabe said lightly into the phone.

"yeah, I know sorry. I've been kinda busy." Brendon muttered out the excuse. he wondered if Gabe already knew about what had happened to Ryan. whether he did or not Brendon was being extra careful not to mention Ryan or Travis and he could only hope that Gabe would do the same.

"it seems like you only call me when you need something." Gabe started. his voice was always so calm, so in control like nothing could touch him and Brendon wished that he could be like that.

"maybe I just called to say hi?" Brendon mused. Gabe gave a little laugh and Brendon was glad that Gabe had a good sense of humor.

"well then hello Brendon. do you need something?" Gabe asked, his voice going more playful.

"actually I do..." Brendon began. despite not seeing Gabe for a while he was still afraid that asking him this favor would be too much, he was always worried about asking too much of Gabe. Gabe was a powerful guy, he didn't want to have to owe him very much.

"what is it Brendon?" Gabe asked, his voice calm once again. in the background Brendon could hear the honking of a car horn.

"the cops have been coming around Gabe...one of them is Ryland, the other is a guy named Tom. but they said that they'd be back with a warrent and I have a box of drugs in my shed." Brendon confessed, he sorta felt like a kid telling their parents that they get picked on at school.

"Ryland eh?" Gabe said sounding far more interested in Brendon's plight now that Ryland was involved. "so, you need me to hide the stash?" Gabe guessed and Brendon gave him a small "yeah."

Gabe was silent and Brendon could hear that same sound of a car horn honking and muted voices.

"uh, Gabe? what are you doing?" Brendon asked. his mind raced with various illegal activites that Gabe could be doing.

"I'm driving around with William. listen Brendon, we're in your area so we're coming to get you and your stash, so be ready." Gabe told Brendon. Gabe's voice had gone oddly serious and Brendon knew he meant business.

"alright, thanks Gabe." Brendon said and he knew he sounded relieved.

"yeah, yeah, pretty soon you're gonna start owing me kid." Gabe said with a laugh as he hung up. Brendon hung up his phone, he thought that Gabe was kidding about Brendon owing him but it was always too damn hard to tell with Gabe.

Brendon set his cellphone down in the bathroom on the counter and went to find his sneakers. Ryan was still up and he noticed Brendon and stood up. he grabbed Brendon from behind and wrapped his arms around Brendon's waist. Brendon kept walking despite Ryan clinging to him, slowly Ryan let go of Brendon and walked along softly behind him.

"whe-where-go-go-going-Bren-Brendon?" Ryan asked. he came around to Brendon's front and peered at him, big brown eyes all innocent and childlike.

"outside, ry." Brendon said and he smiled at the older boy because he knew that Ryan needed that kind of affection, he needed to know that Brendon paid attention to him. Brendon slid outside with Ryan following him. the grass was cool and damp and the night air was warm. the moonlight washed down over the backyard as Brendon and Ryan made their way to the shed.

quiet surrounded the two boys as Brendon unlocked the shed and stepped inside, with Ryan watching curiously from the yard. Brendon didn't turn on the light this time, he knew where the box was by memory and he didn't want to risk drawing more attention to himself then he needed to.

he pulled the box out and set it in the damp grass next to him before he locked the shed back up. again Ryan was watching him curiously but he was far too innocent to know what Brendon was doing. the duo headed back to the house, Brendon setting the box down by the door.

Ryan still lingered around Brendon, almost afraid to stray too far away from the boy. Brendon moved in close to Ryan and took him gently by the wrist. Ryan looked up, brown eyes shinning bright and a small little smile on his face.

"listen, Ryan, Brendon is leaving for a little while." Brendon told him softly as he looked out the window, watching for Gabe's car.

"Bren-Bren-leavi-leaving?" Ryan asked, his voice small. Brendon nodded and released Ryan's wrist. "ry-Ryan-com-come?" Ryan asked and Brendon shook his head, his hair falling down into his eyes. Ryan frowned and he looked sad. Brendon sighed because it was often like dealing like a child when dealing with Ryan.

"look Ryan, Brendon needs you to stay here so you can protect the house." Brendon was lying to Ryan. he was trying to make him feel better. in that moment he had more important issues on his mind then keeping Ryan happy. yeah, it was selfish but it was the truth.

Ryan nodded as if he understood what Brendon was saying. Brendon brought his hand up to Ryan's face, he cupped the older boy's cheek and smiled warmly at him. he wasn't sure if it was because he had just broken up with Pete but something about right now made him appreciate that he had Ryan in his life, that he wasn't all alone, he wasn't alone like Pete had said.

Brendon spotted the flash of bright white lights from his window. he turned away from Ryan and saw a white car rolling quickly up to his house. the car stopped out infront of Brendon's house and gave a swift honk. Brendon went to the door and lifted the box into his arms.

"I'm leaving, Ryan." Brendon said as he looked back at Ryan who was standing near the window. if he really wanted to he could bring Ryan along with him but he didn't know, he didn't know how being in Gabe's car and seeing Gabe again would affect Ryan. so Brendon thought it was better that Ryan just stay at home where he was safe.

when Brendon came out he saw that William was leaning against the trunk of the clean white sports car. his arms wre folded but he was grinning at Brendon all the same. Gabe sat in the driver's seat, he was wearing his white suit as usual. Gabe gave Brendon a small wave that Brendon really couldn't recipercate due to the box in his arms.

"back here Brendon." William said. he motioned for Brendon to come around to the trunk of the car. William propped the trunk open as Brendon came around and set the box down inside it. William slammed the trunk before he threw an arm around Brendon's shoulder's and led him to the car.

Brendon expected William to sit in the front seat alongside Gabe and that he'd be the one to sit in the back but instead William climbed into the backseat and turned, streching his long legs along the length of the backseat.

"get in Brendon." Gabe said as he patted the black leather seat. Brendon climbed into the car and pulled the heavy door shut before Gabe was speeding off along the streets.

"so, Ryland is really snooping around on you?" Gabe asked, he glanced from the road to Brendon and back to the road.

"yeah, him and that Tom guy." Brendon anwsered as he watched the black shiny road infront of them. he didn't really know where Gabe was taking him, he was tempted to ask but trusted Gabe enough to know that Gabe would never steer him wrong.

"their coming around because of Brent aren't they?" Gabe said and Brendon nodded and wished that Gabe wouldn't bring up Brent infront of William. "don't fear little Bren-Bren. I'll talk with Ryland and see if they'll leave you alone." Gabe said with a smile. Brendon looked over at him and wanted to believe that Gabe had that power, the power to prevent murder.

"thanks Gabe, I don't really know what'd I do without you." Brendon mumbled out. he wasn't sure but whenever he got around Gabe he ended up feeling like a little kid, like he was helpless while Gabe held all the cards.

"it's fine Bren, like I said you'll just owe me." Gabe said with a slight wink and again Brendon was confused as to whether or not Gabe was serious.

Brendon eyed the bright green glowing numbers on Gabe's car clock. it was a little after midnight. Brendon's heart leapt up in it's chest a bit. Patrick was out of work by now, Brendon could call if he wanted, he could call and end the best thing that ever happened to Pete.

Brendon dropped his hand into his pocket and searched for his cell phone. he didn't find it in either pocket and he cursed softly.

"what's wrong Brenny?" Gabe asked as he watched Brendon.

"it's nothing, I fucking forgot my cellphone at home." Brendon said. he dragged his hand through his hair, upset that he couldn't call Patrick.

"what do you want your cell for anyway?" William asked from the backseat and Brendon could feel his long fingers dragging across the back of his neck. Brendon sighed and leaned into the cool glass of the window.

"it's not really important I guess. I was just going to call Patrick." Brendon said.

"Patrick? but I thought you were with Pete?" William asked. he pushed himself up to lean between Gabe and Brendon's seats.

"no, not anymore...Pete and I broke up earlier today." Brendon muttered not really wanting to tell William but at the same time he did. William was smart and Brendon hoped that maybe he had some words of wisdom to share with Brendon.

"ah, really? so then you're moving on with Patrick?" willaim said, he had somehow turned his long body so that his head was resting close to Brendon's legs.

"no, will. Pete is with Patrick, so I was gonna call Patrick and tell him that Pete was cheating on him." Brendon told the two men. there was a silence before William let out a low whistle.

"doesn't matter. you're better off without him Brendon." William said as he moved his hand up on Brendon's leg and gave a light squeeze.

"way to be optimistic William." Gabe said with a laugh. his large hand weaved through William's wavy brown hair. William grinned and ran is nimble fingers along Gabe's hand.

Brendon watched the two of them. for the most part Gabe could easily be considered straight. he was dating Vicky-T and was know to hook up with a number of ladies but it also seemed that he had a weakness for William Beckett. William was just about the only guy in the world that Gabe actually did anything with.

Gabe made a sudden sharp turn and he braked quickly, gravel flying out from under his tires. Brendon looked out the windshield to see a large metal sign that signified they arrived at their destination. it was a storage unit again, not the same because according to Gabe, he never hit the same storage unit twice in a month.

"come on Brendon." Gabe said to the younger boy as he opened his door and climbed out, keys dangling limply in his hand. Brendon exited the car while William moved back to stretch out in the backseat once again.

by the time Brendon got out of the car Gabe was already holding the box of Brendon's stash. Gabe moved through the open fence with Brendon trailing along behind him. they walked far this time. the rocks crunching under their feet.

"Gabe?" Brendon started as they rounded a corner.

"yeah?" Gabe asked, it seemed like he was only paying half his attention to Brendon and the other half was paid to finding the appropriet storage unit.

"have-uh have you talked to Travis lately?" Brendon forced himself to ask. he really didn't want to bring up Travis but at the same time he wanted to know if Gabe knew what had went down in his house the last time they were there.

Gabe stopped and peered up at the number on the unit in front of them. he shook his head and continued down the line of unit's. "no, I haven't heard from him in a while actually. why?" Gabe asked as he looked back at Brendon.

so Brendon was guessing that Gabe didn't know about what Travis had done to Ryan. Brendon wasn't sure now whether or not he should tell Gabe. maybe if he did Gabe would stop catering to Travis' drug needs though now it seemed that Travis was getting his fix from somewhere else.

"last time I was over your place Gabe...when I had Ryan with me. I passed out and I guess you must've left?" Brendon half asked, half stated. Gabe nodded as they walked.

"yeah, I had some business to attend to." Gabe said quietly and Brendon didn't ask any questions about what kind of 'business' it was because he knew better then that.

"well, after you left I woke up and Vicky was passed out and I couldn't find Ryan." Brendon continued. he could tell now that Gabe was paying more attention to him then he had been minutes before. "so I-I figured that Ryan was in your room with you and that maybe you were getting him high or something so I went in there and Ryan was in there but he was with Alex and Travis." Brendon said stopping himself before he blurted out what had happened to Ryan.

"so?" Gabe asked and Brendon noticed that they had finally stopped infront of a unit and by the look on Gabe's face it seemed like the right one.

"so, when I went in there...Travis, he was fucking him Gabe!" Brendon half yelled. he watched Gabe with sharp eyes, he desperately wanted Gabe to feel that same deep burn of anger at Travis that he did.

Gabe turned and and looked Brendon over, his face and eyes were serious. something that was truly uncharacteristic of Gabe.

"he raped him Gabe. Travis raped Ryan..." Brendon said. his voice was small and weak and it almost felt like him saying it was like admitting that it happened.

Gabe didn't say anything, he just set the brown box down at his feet and unlocked the unit with a shiny silver key. Brendon didn't speak either, he was waiting, waiting for Gabe.

"Brendon, I'm sorry. Travis-man Travis hasn't been right in a while." Gabe began. Brendon noticed that he had yet to pull the grate up so Brendon did it for him. after the unit was open Gabe stepped inside. his shoes making a loud scraping noise against the dirty cement floor.

Brendon didn't follow Gabe inside this time. he didn't want to know where Gabe was putting the stash. he figured if he didn't know, then he wouldn't feel so bad about lying to the police.

"he's doing all kinds of hardcore crazy shit..." Gabe's voice floated back out to Brendon and he knew that he was talking about Travis again. "him and Alex...he's doing all that shit like he used to do with Ryan." Gabe said as Brendon heard a 'thump' presumably Gabe dropping the box into it's hiding place.

hearing that Travis was doing all the same things with Alex that he used to do with Ryan made Brendon upset. Travis had used Ryan up, ruined him and filled him with the poisions that would be his downfall. and now that Ryan was broken, he had moved on, he had moved on to Alex.

Brendon really didn't want to see Alex turned into something like Ryan. even though Alex had helped Travis rape Ryan, no one deserved to turn into what Ryan had become.

Gabe emerged from the storage unit, his face still serious. Brendon knew he was thinking about Travis.

Gabe and Travis had been good friends for a long time. that's how Brendon and Ryan met Travis, through Gabe. William, Travis, and Gabe used to be something akin to the three musketeers. it was like that for a long while, it only changed when Travis started hanging around other dealers, dealers who didn't have anyone's best interest at heart. Travis was falling deeper into crazy shit that Gabe didn't want to be a part of.

Brendon thought that if something were to happen to Alex, what would Travis do? would he move on to someone else? some other unsuspecting victim that he'd drag down into his dark depths. Brendon didn't think it was fair, that Travis did the shit with other people and it was the other people who paid the price and never Travis. but according to Gabe Travis was starting to slip.

"don't make excuses for him." Brendon said to Gabe as he pulled the grate back down and watched as Gabe locked it back up. Gabe shook his head softly.

"I'm not, what he did was fucked up Brendon." Gabe told Brendon and again he had that same sort of serious tone in his voice. the two men moved back down the long lines of units. Gabe towering over Brendon as they walked. it was quiet and Brendon appreciated that Gabe saw Travis as the bad guy.

"you sure know how to depress a guy Bren-Bren." Gabe teased and Brendon grinned. they made it back to Gabe's sports car and climbed inside, still quiet for the most part. William who had been resting in the backseat perked up when Gabe climbed back inside.

he moved up behind Gabe's seat and wrapped his long arms around Gabe's chest. williams fingers tracing small patterns in the white dress up shirt that Gabe was wearing.

"where we going now Gabe?" William whispered, his mouth near Gabe's ear.

"somewhere less depressing." Gabe said with his sly grin. he moved his own large hands up along williams arms once before he turned the ignition and William released him and they drove.

they drove quickly down the black streets, Brendon really only paying half attention as he found himself lost in his thoughts. he was thinking about Travis, he didn't want to think of the older man but he wondered, he wondered if Travis ever cared about Ryan, if he ever felt remorse for what happened. juding by the incident at Gabe's place Brendon didn't think so.

the car stopped fifteen minutes later and Brendon looked up to see a glowing blue and pink neon sign illuminating before them. the sign read "pinky's cat club." and Brendon looked over at Gabe who was grinning wider then he'd ever seen. Brendon sighed because they were at a strip club.


chapter fourteen: the stripper with the heart of gold

"you brought us to a strip club?" Brendon asked as the neon sign sent streaks of pink and blue across the car. Gabe was still grinning when he nodded.

"yeah, seeing the ladies always cheers me up." Gabe said as he opened his door and hopped out. Brendon and William followed suit. Brendon looked back at William and he didn't seem to care either way that they were at a strip club, Brendon forgot that William could be considered half straight as well.

"why? you don't wanna be here Brenny?" Gabe asked as he fixed his white tie and ran a hand through his hair. Brendon rolled his eyes a bit.

"you forget I don't like girls Gabe?" Brendon asked. Gabe's face went blank and Brendon believed that maybe Gabe really did forget. either way Brendon wasn't gonna bitch because he was betting that there was a least some cheap drinks and maybe some hot bartenders or something. it would be ideal if he could find someone to take his mind off of Pete.

the club was pretty large, three stages illumiNated with white and blue lights were in the club. one at each enterance and one in the middle. the stages had the usual: a long runway for the girls to crawl around on and a metal pole in the center. surrounding the stages were lush velvet long wrap around couches.

a good amount of men occupied the couches, their eyes glued to the stage and the girls dancing there. along the back wall was the bar. it's long black counter shinning in the unnatural light.

Gabe had his eyes glued to the center stage where Brendon could barely make out a thin short redheaded girl dancing on the stage. Gabe grinned and headed towards the couch with William following along behind him. Brendon decided that he would get the group drinks and Gabe told him to put it on his tab.

Brendon moved through the smokey club and up to the bar. he sat down on one of the soft black stools as the bartender walked towards him.

"what will ya have?" he asked. Brendon ordered three whiskey sours and the bartender nodded before walking away. Brendon watched the man, he was short and looked kinda young like maybe he was just barely old enough to drink himself, let alone serve alcohol.

the bartender came back with the drinks and set them down infront of Brendon. Brendon took his right away and gulped it down. the bartender grinned "another?" he asked and Brendon nodded.

the bartender had black hair that fell long on his right side framing his face. it was shorter to the left and kinda spikey. he had brown eyes that almost looked black. he had a nice smile and he was pretty cute, Brendon was relieved that the boy didn't remind him of Pete.

Brendon wanted to know the bartender's name and he knew that he would much rather hang around with the boy then watch the girl on the stage flaunt herself. the bartender returned and set another drink down infront of Brendon.

"thanks," Brendon began as he drank some of his second drink. "put these on Gabe Saporta's tab." Brendon said as he motioned to the drinks infront of him.

"oh? are you Gabe?" the boy asked and Brendon shook his head.

"no, I'm Brendon." he told the boy, the bartender smiled.

"Brendon, that name suits you better then Gabe anyway." he joked and Brendon laughed.

"I'm Nate, by the way." the bartender said and he offered Brendon his hand. Brendon took it and he tingled as he felt Nate's warm fingers brush against his wrist.

"so how come you're not watching the girls?" Nate asked as his hand left Brendon's. Brendon glanced back at the stage where Gabe was sitting attentivly watching the stage with William clinging to his side.

"girls, eh they're not really my thing." Brendon said as he looked back at Nate with a grin. "what about you?" he asked "must be great working with all the girls." he said trying to find out if Nate was gay.

"sometimes it's great...but sometimes it's good to be with a guy once in a while." Nate said with a smirk.

Brendon wasn't sure but he thought that Nate was saying that he was bisexual. he wasn't exactly up on the gay code. yeah, he had, had boyfriends before but it was always someone he knew beforehand. never someone he had to actively seek out.

"so, you go both ways?" Brendon asked and at that point he didn't really care if he sounded overly bold.

Nate laughed, "yeah, basically but it's not often that I meet gay guys here, or guys as cute as you for that matter." Nate said as he smirked at Brendon.

Brendon felt himself blush lightly and he smiled back at Nate.

"Brendon, bring the booze man!" they heard Gabe call from the red velvety couch. Brendon glanced at the couch and back at Nate.

"I-I gotta go over there now." Brendon said. he thought he sounded pretty stupid but Nate just smiled and said a simple "okay."

Brendon picked up the drinks and with one more look at Nate he headed towards the center stage. Brendon handed the drinks to Gabe and William and plopped down on Gabe's other side. Gabe and William were still watching the girl on stage intently and Brendon too turned his attention to the girl on stage.

from his position on the couch Brendon could see the girl well. she was short, and thin and looked really young, maybe a year or two younger than Brendon was. she had hair that looked like it was a bright, almost neon orange but it could just be the stage lights making it look like that.

the girl was wearing a barely there top and panties that showed off her fit figure. she had yet to remove any of her clothes seeing as how she was busy grinding against a pole.

Gabe was watching her with wide eyes and a smirk on his face, William was watching but Brendon couldn't tell if he was interested or not. Brendon was watching too but he had his mind more focused on Nate the bartender.

it wasn't as if Brendon had never been with a girl before. no, before he realized he was gay he had been out with girls. there was one girl in paticular that he had been with. her name was audrey and he had been with her from a little after he had turned fourteen until he had turned sixteen.

they'd been good together, really good and Brendon had been happy with her but one day he had realized that he'd much rather be kissing Ryan then kissing her. he had broken up with her not long after that and confessed to her that he was gay. she hadn't taken it well but he never expected her too.

what girl wants to hear that the boy they had been with for a good three years was now gay? Brendon had loved her though, she was his first kiss, his first real girlfriend, and the girl who took his virginity when he was fifteen.

he didn't talk to her anymore...he still kinda wished that he did.

the girl on stage had taken her top off now, exposing her small breasts to them. Brendon heard Gabe mumble a low "yeah." as the girl dropped to her knees on the shining almost clear blue lit stage.

the lights flared around the girl and she began gyraiting on stage, touching her boobs and shaking in rythm with the music pumping through the speakers. she started to crawl forward, right towards them and Brendon could see her long clear heels reflecting in the blue light.

the girl reached the end of the stage which was right in front of their couch. she laid on her back and lifted her legs sexily. few men to Brendon's right began flashing dollar bills and the girl spotted them, and rolled onto her stomach before getting up on her hands and knees and crawling towards them.

she gave Gabe, William, and Brendon a good shot of her small, pale, barely covered ass as she went. when she reached the men they reached eagerly into the edges of her g-string and placed their money there.

Brendon noticed Gabe digging into his pockets for his wallet and it was no surprise, Gabe wanted her back over here and he would be willing to pay. he pulled out what looked like a ten dollar bill and threw his long arm up in the air waving down the girl.

the girl grinned and made her way over to Gabe. Gabe was grinning wider then Brendon had ever seen and he sat up eagerly awaiting the girl. the girl reached them and got up on her knees, showing off her body for Gabe. she was closer now and Brendon could see that her hair really was a neon orange and the bangs that fell jagged into her eyes were a bright yellow.

she was pretty but she still looked really young and it kinda threw Brendon off, he doubted that he would be enjoying this even if he liked girls.

Gabe gave her the money, his fingers tracing the skin of her stomach lightly. she was smiling at him and Brendon thought that this probably wasn't their first meeting. Brendon was growing bored, the show before him doing nothing to entertain him. he thought about going back and talking to Nate again but at that same exact moment a girl showed up at Brendon's side.

Brendon recongized her as a waitress and she handed him the tall drink that she was carrying on her tray.

"oh, I-I didn't order this." Brendon told her as he looked up at her. she was smiling as she nodded.

"I know, it's on the house." she said. she motioned to the bar and Brendon turned and saw Nate looking at him, smiling. along with the drink the waitress handed Brendon a white card and he looked at it as she walked away. the card had Nate's name and phone number on it. he flipped it over on the back read a small message.

"Brendon, call me sometime." was all it said. Brendon couldn't hide the grin that broke onto his face as he slid the card into his pocket. he wanted to go over to Nate and flirt some more but he didn't wanna make it seem like he was desperate, or easy. he wanted to take it slow this time.

by the time Brendon finished his free drink from Nate the girl had finished her set and left the stage. after she finished Gabe stood and fixed his tie before he motioned for Brendon and William to follow him.

the trio walked to the right side of the club, away from the bar and away from Nate. they moved through the dark club, pass other girls who were dancing and the guys who were watching. they reached the far end of the right side of the club where a black door was located. a large man was standing beside the door, his arms crossed and looking tough.

Gabe gave the man a nod and he served to nod back. Gabe then pushed the door open with William and Brendon following along behind. behind the door was what Brendon guessed was the backstage area. immedintly in front of them was a staircase that led to an roped off upstairs area. to the right was a door labeled 'exit' and to the left was a long hallway that led to where the ladies changed their clothes.

Gabe led them down the hallway where they could already hear girl's voices spilling out. Brendon thought that maybe if this was a higher class strip club that they probably wouldn't be allowed back here but no one seemed to mind, not even the girls who were in various states of undress.

Gabe navigated the backstage area like a pro and he led them to the very back where a rack of what could barely be considered clothes and a large white vanity mirror sat. the girl who had just been on stage was back there looking into the mirror and fixing her sweaty neon hair.

"Gabe!" the girl said as she spotted him in the mirror. she turned around and rushed forward throwing herself into Gabe's arms. he wrapped an arm around the short girl's waist. she looked up at Gabe like she was admiring him and Brendon thought it was strange to see them together.

Gabe was insanely tall while she was shorter then Brendon. Gabe saw Brendon eyeing the two of them and he grinned.

"Brendon, this is Hayley williams." Gabe said as he looked down at haley the stripper, a charming smile on his handsome face. she looked back up at him, her hand on his stomach. "and Hayley, this is my dear friend Brendon." Gabe added.

Hayley smiled, her teeth were big and kinda crooked but she was still cute. she broke away from Gabe's body, much to Gabe's displeasure and offered Brendon her hand. Brendon took her hand and gave it a small shake. haley moved back to wrap herself around Gabe and Brendon was watching her, wondering how old she was.

it was obvious to him that she knew Gabe well. she was turned into him now, her thin body pressed against his. one hand had a hold of Gabe's white silk tie while the other was on his hip. Brendon wasn't surprised but he never really thought that Gabe's taste's ran so young.

"how old are you Hayley?" Brendon asked suddenly. she turned away from Gabe but didn't remove her hands from his body.

"I'm nineteen." she said softly with a smile on her face. Brendon was relieved that the girl was over eighteen but he was right, she was younger then him. she turned back to Gabe and slid her hands up his chest. Gabe had his hands on her waist and he leaned down with a grin and kissed her.

Brendon thought vaugely of Vicky-T but brushed the thought aside because he had no room to judge Gabe when Pete was doing the same thing with him. Brendon felt a warm hand press into his and he looked up to see William looking down at him, for a moment Brendon forgot that he was even there.

"it's only gonna get worse from here Brenny." William said as he held Brendon's hand. Brendon looked at Gabe and Hayley and saw that it was indeed getting worse. Gabe had his hand on her ass and was pulling her into him. "lets get out of here." William said and Brendon nodded.

Brendon allowed William to lead him out from the changing area and through the hallway. they were heading to the door that was labeled exit. in moments they were outside in the cool night air. Brendon let William hold his hand because fuck, he needed to touch someone that wasn't Pete or Ryan.

they came out at the side of the building. it was dark, save for a few spare light posts that sent orangy light in circles on the ground. the strip club was off on it's own, located in a dust covered parking lot with not a lot but rolling fields around it. it got quite a lot of business though.

the two boys moved along the side of the building that led back to the parking lot where Gabe's white sports car was parked.

"I meant what I said earlier Brendon." William said and Brendon looked up at him. the orange light was catching his dark brown hair and his eyes seemed to glow. Brendon thought he must've looked confused because William continued. "about you breaking it off with Pete." he said.

"it's better that you did it." he added. Brendon looked down watching their feet make footprints in the dirt. Brendon didn't say anything so William continued. "it was a really unhealthy relationship. you loved him, I get that but it was almost like he was using you Brendon...for the drugs and the sex and he still had Patrick...." William trailed off after that but he kept his hand tight in Brendon's.

"it was the hardest thing I ever had to do..." Brendon said after a moment and William looked over at him. "I still love him will, I loved him even when I was telling him to go away...even when I said I didn't need him, I kinda knew I did." Brendon took a deep breath because he was afraid if he didn't he'd start to tear up or something like that.

"I know, and you don't deserve that Brendon. you don't deserve a relationship built up on secrets and lies." William began and now he was looking at Brendon and Brendon was looking back. brown eyes on brown eyes. "you need someone who will love you and be there for you. that's what you need Brendon." William said to him.

Brendon didn't realize it but they had stopped walking and they were now just kinda staring at each other. it happened suddenly, William's lips were on Brendon's and they were kissing. William's long fingers twisted into Brendon's t-shirt.

Brendon was taken aback but not enough to stop the kiss. his own hands slid up to William's chest, his fingers touching warm skin. William's tongue was in Brendon's mouth and Brendon pressed himself closer to William. Brendon was shorter then will so he had to lean up to kiss the older man.

it wasn't like when he had kissed Pete, Pete kissed rougher, harder. William was softer, more gentle, more graceful if that was possible. William had wrapped his arms around Brendon and held him close. Brendon felt like he needed this, and he felt like William knew that.

they broke the kiss moments later but they didn't break apart. William still held Brendon close to him. his arms still wrapped tightly around Brendon and Brendon settled his head against William's shoulder.

"it's not me though, is it?" William whispered and Brendon half laughed.

"no." Brendon admitted because they had kissed and it was good but it wasn't relationship good. it didn't have that kind of spark that other kisses had had like with Pete and Ryan.

"I know." William began as he pulled back a bit and looked down at Brendon. "it was nice but it wasn't magic...and you kid, you need the magic." William said as he kissed Brendon on the cheek.

they pulled apart but William still held Brendon's hand. they moved to the parking lot and headed towards Gabe's white car.

"so, who ya gonna go for now Bren?" William asked as he leaned against the passenger side car door. "you know your neighbor, that young looking guy, he's pretty cute." William suggested. he slid his hands into his jeans pockets and leaned his head back against the roof of the car.

"that's Spencer." Brendon began. "yeah, he's cute but he's in a relationship...an abusive relationship but a relationship all the same." Brendon said. he was leaning next to William against the car door. "but if things go my way then Nate the cute bartender will be mine." Brendon said with a grin.

William laughed and raised his eyebrows suggestivly. Brendon laughed too, for the first time in nearly a week he was happy and it was kinda poetic and fucked up that he was finding happiness in the parking lot of a deserted strip club.

Gabe emerged from the club ten minutes later. he was far more desheveled then he had been when Brendon and William left him. his face was glittery and his shirt was unbuttoned some, and missing some buttons. he was carrying his white jacket and his tie hung loose around his neck.

"ready to leave gentlemen?" Gabe asked with an elated grin on his face. the two boys nodded and the trio climbed into the car to leave.

it took Brendon an half and hour to get home. most of the car ride was spent with Gabe regaling the duo about the time he had spent with Hayley. apparently Hayley was a struggling college student who was stripping to pay for her classes.

she had known Gabe for a long time now and he had almost single handly been the one paying for her classes due to his frequent visits and now as Gabe put it, the two of them were getting it on, on the side.

Brendon had left his house at eleven thirty that night. by the time he had gotten home it was four in the morning. Ryan was passed out on the couch and Brendon was pretty tired and wanted to go to bed. he stopped by the bathroom and saw his black cell phone flashing.

Brendon opened his phone and saw it had at least ten missed calls. most of them from Joe but two or three were from Andy and one was from Matt. Brendon thought that was kinda strange, he usually didn't get calls from Andy and never from Matt. he went to his voicemail and prepared to listen to the first message.

the only thing he could think was that Pete had told them what had happened and now they wanted to bitch Brendon out. though Brendon did notice the last call he had recieved was at three-thirty that morning. the first message was from Joe and Brendon leaned against the bathroom door as he listened.

"Brendon....hey...it's Joe...um, listen man...it's Pete..Brendon...there's, there's been an accident..."


chapter fifteen: the note written in the parking lot

Brendon could hear Joe's voice but by then his mind wasn't making much sense of the words. the same thing kept repeating in Brendon's mind: "there's been an accident...it's Pete..." fear gripped Brendon and the tiredness he had felt moments earlier had been replaced by an anxiety that filled his entire body.

he went to the next message, praying that it was all some kind of cruel joke. again it was Joe's low voice filling his ears. "Brendon...god where are you? we're at the hospital Brendon...jesus..." Brendon knew by the second message that it wasn't a joke. Joe would never do that. he would never make that kind of joke.

something was wrong...something had happened to Pete and Brendon could barely keep his mind from racing. showing him Pete in various hurt ways. the next eight messages were more or less the same, all lacking details and all asking where the fuck he was.

Brendon was numb on the inside. the first message he had gotten was at one that night. that had been three hours ago and no one had called since three thirty. fuck, all he could think was that the worst had happened and everyone was too broken up to bother to call Pete's ex fuck and tell him the older boy was dead.

Brendon felt his heart beating too fast as he dialed Joe's number. it rang too long and Brendon paced his living room a million or so times.

"Brendon? fuck where have you been?" Joe asked as he answered the phone.

"nevermind that! Joe, is Pete okay? what happened? fuck, is he dead?" these questions rushed out of Brendon's mouth so fast that he wondered how Joe had managed to understand him at all.

"he-he's okay Brendon." Joe said, his voice small and tired.

"what hospital are you guys at?" Brendon asked as he glanced around for his car keys.

"Brendon, I-I don't think you should come up tonight...you can visit tomorrow..." Joe suggested and Brendon scoffed.

"no, fuck that. Joe please tell me what hospital you're at!" Brendon half yelled and half pleaded. his emotions were so fucking tangled that he didn't know what he was feeling, all he knew, all he cared about was seeing Pete with his own two eyes.

Brendon heard Joe sigh and he felt like he could almost see Joe, standing in a hospital hallway somewhere, debating whether or not to let Brendon come to the hospital.

"we're at saint roberts hospital on lexington street." Joe said and Brendon was hung up and out the door before Joe knew what had happened.

Brendon tried to drive carefully but the panic he was feeling was too much for him to properly stop at stop signs. he vaugely knew where saint roberts hospital was and he tried not to think that it was the same hospital where they had taken Ryan after his incident.

he arrived at the hospital and raced into the enterance. he spent three minutes dealing with a bitchy nurse who was working the nightshift and wasn't too happy about it. eventually she allowed Brendon to go to the seventh floor where after exiting the elevator Brendon spotted Joe in the hallway.

he raced to Joe and grabbed on to his arms when he was in a close enough reach. from the position in the hallway Brendon could see Andy and Matt sitting down further at the end of the hallway in these little red chairs. Brendon looked up at Joe, his eyes wide and Brendon couldn't wait, couldn't hold it in any longer.

"what happened Joe? what happened to him?" Brendon pleaded as he clutched Joe's arms. Joe looked tired, his blue eyes red rimmed and he had a deep frown on his face. he sighed a bit and touched Brendon's arms.

"he-he tried to kill himself Brendon." Joe said and Brendon felt his heart shatter into a million pieces. his mind could barely form thoughts let alone words, all he had in that moment, all he knew in the darkness of fear in his heart was holding on to Joe.

"what?-what? how? why?" again the words spilled too quickly out of Brendon's mouth but somehow Joe managed to catch them all.

Joe just kinda stood there and shook his head, his tired blue eyes falling downcast as he remembered.
"he tried to overdose on sleeping pills Brendon." Joe began. Brendon's heart broke but he didn't interrupt, not this time.

"he was in the parking lot of that video store that closed down a few weeks ago...he took too many of his sleeping pills, I guess. he-he wanted to die....but I think he was afraid...he was afraid so he called Patrick and told him what he had done." Joe said. his voice was weak and thin as he told Brendon of the events that had transpired.

"Patrick called an ambulance and we came up here to the hospital...hell, we were here before he was. I-I've never seen Patrick looked so afraid before. when they brought Pete in, god he looked so pale, I was fucking scared...I thought he was dead...they pumped his stomach. the doctor's said they caught it just in time." Joe had said and he pulled away from Brendon and leaned against the rough hospital wall.

Brendon knew this was the most serious he had ever seen Joe. Brendon wanted to ask if he could see Pete but Joe looked like he had more to say so Brendon didn't really say anything.

"there was a suicide note in the car Brendon..." Joe began. Brendon felt his insides freeze, Pete was alive but hearing the words 'suicide note' made it all too real to him, he imagined the conversation they would be having if Pete had died...and Brendon never wanted to imagine such a thing again.

"you were mentioned in the note" Joe said and Brendon looked up, eyes wide and he could swear his heart stopped beating. his mind seemed kinda frozen, he didn't know, he didn't have any idea what Pete would say about him his suicide note. the fight they had earlier that day weighted heavily on his mind.

"they gave it to us...if you want to see it." Joe said. Brendon found himself nodding before he even knew if he really wanted to see it or not. he was nervous to see what Pete's dying thoughts of him were. Joe pulled a folded paper out of his pocket and gingerly handed it over to Brendon.

Brendon took it, his hand shaking lightly. he unfolded it and his eyes gazed over the slightly messy poetic words of Pete. it made his heart ache that Pete had written the words on the paper with his death in mind.

the beginnings of the note were Pete's usual poetic words dealing with his life and love and anything else that passed through his mind. he moved on to his mother, telling her it wasn't her fault, telling her he loved her more then anything else in the world and telling her he was sorry. all that but so much more beautiful and haunting then Brendon could ever make it.

next it moved on to Patrick. and Brendon felt like he knew what was coming. in the wake of his death Pete found no better time then to confess to Patrick every sin he had committed, most of them with Brendon.

"I'm sure Brendon called you Patrick. if he did it means you know what I did...god, Patrick I'm so fucking sorry...it's true what he said, I've been doing drugs with Brendon...I haven't been clean. I also haven't been faithful. I love you, I loved you more then I loved anything in this world but temptation is too strong and I'm less then a man. it's not his fault...please don't blame him. I always wanted to be the person you wanted me to be, but illusions are more my thing, so all I could do was pretend. I'm sorry, but I know you can do better then me...I love you Patrick."

Patrick's part was heart breakingly honest and Brendon didn't know if he wanted to continue. his name had been mentioned...Pete thought that Brendon had made good on his word, he had thought that Brendon had called and told Patrick everything.

a cold realization hit Brendon and he felt his chest clench up. it was his fault, Pete had tried to kill himself because he had nothing left. Brendon had broken it off with him, the drugs wouldn't make him happy anymore and he had thought that Brendon had called Patrick. Pete thought he had nothing left.

the next part of the note was adressed to Pete's friends and family and Brendon wasn't mentioned. he didn't know if that was a good thing or not. the last part he found, to his surprise was adressed to him.

"Brendon, kid, listen, this isn't your fault. you didn't fuck me up...I was broken long before you came a long...don't let them tell you it's your fault. you don't need the fucking burning guilt. I pulled you in, you were just a victim...caught in the tornado that was my life. regardless of what I said before I left, I did love you Brendon, the affection was real and so was the love...I guess it just wasn't enough. I want to be that teenager again Brendon, the one you used to look up to. maybe this is the only way I can be?

Brendon couldn't hide that he was crying after reading the letter. it wasn't a lot but it was there, cool and wet on his cheeks. the words did little to ease the guilt he was feeling but he had to keep reminding himself that Pete was alive. he hadn't carried out the deathwish...he was okay, he was in a hospital bed somewhere and Brendon was desperate to see him and tell him that he never did tell Patrick.

Brendon closed the note back up and handed it to Joe, he didn't care if he ever saw the crumpled piece of white notebook paper ever again. "can I see him?" Brendon asked. his voice sounded clogged, like he had forgotten how to use it.

Joe looked apprehensive, like he wasn't sure what to say. it was then that Brendon noticed that Patrick was no where to be found. he didn't know why he hadn't thought that Patrick would be stationed with Pete.

"yeah, you can...but not for very long." Joe said finally and Brendon nodded because Joe could've told him that he had to cut off his own hand to see Pete and he would've done it without complaint. he wasn't sure how Patrick would react but at that moment he didn't care about Patrick, not when there was only Pete.

the hospital room was too small for Brendon's liking. the long bed took up most the space. a black chair had been pulled up to the left side of the bed and a machine was to the right. in the bed was Pete and Joe had been right. he looked so unlike himself.

he was pale and he looked so weak with tubes and I.V's hooked up to him. he was asleep as far as Brendon could tell but if Brendon really looked hard, Pete almost looked dead. he shook the thought from his mind as he watched the steady rise and fall of Pete's chest.

Joe hadn't come in with Brendon but opted to wait outside in the hall. Brendon moved slowly towards Pete, almost as if each step of his would wake the sleeping boy. Pete's hair fell limply into his face and his beautiful eyes were closed. his lips were paleish too and Brendon didn't like it one bit.

he came to Pete's side and pressed his hand into Pete's, which was lying limp at his side. his skin was cold but Brendon didn't mind in the least as he held tightly on to Pete's hand. with his other hand Brendon swiped the hair out of Pete's face and looked down lovingly at the older boy.

he found it so odd that mere hours earlier he hated Pete's guts and he never wanted to see the boy again, but now, now there was no where in the world he'd rather be.

Brendon stroked Pete's temple softly and part of him wished the boy would wake, just so he could tell him that he never told Patrick...he didn't know if Pete already knew. he leaned down his mouth close to Pete's ear.

"I never told him Pete, I never did tell Patrick what you did." Brendon whispered, Pete's hair fluttered lightly as Brendon spoke but he didn't wake up. Brendon pressed a kiss to Pete's temple before he straightened back up and looked down at the older boy.

suddenly the door to the room was swung openly harshly and Brendon saw a blur of ginger enter into it. he looked away from Pete, his hand still pressed to Pete's limp one and Brendon realized he was now standing face to face with the other love of Pete's life, Patrick.

"don't touch him!" Patrick ordered as he spotted Brendon's hand entwined with Pete's. Brendon let go of Pete's hand and turned a bit. he didn't know what to say really but Patrick looked mad. Joe was standing just outside the door with a worried look on his face, it was obvious that he had been hoping that the two boys wouldn't meet.

Brendon didn't know if Patrick knew about the drugs and the cheating but judging by the look on Patrick's face, he was sure that the boy did.

"you shouldn't even be here!" Patrick began, his voice was low and harsh and Brendon had never heard it like that.

"I-I just wanted to see if he was okay." Brendon said and he felt slightly intimidated by the angry Patrick.

"okay?" Patrick scoffed. "this is your fault Brendon! Pete tried to kill himself because of you! of course he's not o-fucking-kay!" Patrick half shouted.

Patrick's words hit Brendon like a ton of bricks. Patrick was blaming him and the words Pete had written floated back into Brendon's mind.

"it's not my fault..." Brendon said but his voice was lacking the power that Patrick's had. Patrick's eyes were wide like he couldn't believe what Brendon was saying. he was still wearing that same outfit that Brendon had seen him in earlier that day.

"it is your fault Brendon! you gave him drugs! you kept him dirty when all I wanted was for him to be clean! you gave him drugs just so he would stay with you a little longer." Patrick sneered.

Brendon felt a low burn of anger in his chest. "it's not my fault Patrick...he asked me for it! everything I gave to him was everything he asked for. you know better then anyone that Pete always gets what he wants." Brendon hissed and his fists tightened into balls.

Patrick shot a glare at Brendon and the two boys stood before each other, the tension thick in the room. Brendon thought about leaving the hospital, he had made sure Pete was okay and if he really wanted to check in on the older boy he could always come back tomorrow while Patrick was at work.

"how could you do it Brendon?" Patrick asked suddenly, the anger making his voice deeper. Brendon looked confused but he didn't respond. "how could you pretend to be my friend and all the while you're fucking my boyfriend behind my back?" Patrick shot.

Brendon frowned. he could understand that Patrick was upset, didn't Patrick get that he was upset too? why was he attacking Brendon? why was he acting like Pete had no part in this? Brendon was getting angry and was losing the ability to let the things Patrick was saying slide.

"you know I didn't force him to fuck me Patrick. he wanted it. he begged me for it even." Brendon sneered. he knew he shouldn't have said it, he knew it was innapropreit but fuck it, he didn't care anymore.

that seemed to make Patrick snap. he rushed forward quickly and grabbed a hold of Brendon's t-shirt with one hand and with the other he clocked Brendon square in the jaw. Brendon's head snapped back and Patrick let him go. he almost slumped to the floor but caught himself and stood back up.

Brendon spit and he smirked. "did you know he let me fuck him in the bathroom when I came over earlier?" Brendon said with spite in his voice. he was doing it on purpose, he wanted to piss Patrick off because he wanted Patrick to hurt as much as he had earlier.

Patrick looked furious and he pulled back to punch again but Brendon moved this time and avoided getting hit. he turned quickly and socked Patrick in the eye. by this time Joe had come into the room and forced himself between the two boys. they were both breathing heavily and staring each other down.

"get out of here Brendon...and don't fucking come back!" Patrick hissed and Brendon pushed away from Joe because he wanted to leave anyway. he knew he shouldn't stay, it wasn't his place. he wasn't Pete's boyfriend, he never really was so he had no claim to be there after all.

Brendon didn't say anything to Andy or Matt as he left the hospital. his heart was racing quickly and he felt pissed off. his emotions were a jumbled mess and he really didn't know what he should be feeling. it was colder outside as he got into his car and sat in the darkness of the hospital parking and cried.

he was crying because of what almost happened to Pete, because of the things Patrick had said, because it was quite possible that he had just burned the last bridge to Pete that he had. it didn't matter really because his life was so fucked that it could be anything that was making him cry.


chapter sixteen: forgive me father, for I have sinned

by the time Brendon left the hospital parking lot it was five thirty in the morning. the sun was just beginning to rise lowly in the sky. streaks of pink, purple and gold laced the twilight sky. Brendon didn't know where he was going, he didn't want to go home. knew he couldn't go to sleep, not with Pete's suicide note floating around in his head.

he found himself driving aimlessly, like his body knew where to take him. a feeling deep inside him, somewhere he had forgotten long ago was swarming in his body. it hit him suddenly like a strike across the face...Brendon knew where he wanted, no, needed to go.

Brendon pulled up to a large steepled building with a large arched stained glass window in the front and a copper bell nestled at the top. he parked in the minimal parking lot and exited the car, he stood out in front of the church, the saint roselynn church to be exact.

he stood out infront of the large wooden doors, he was nervous. it had been years since Brendon had been to church, he basically had abandoned the religion when he was thirthteen and hadn't been back since. there were a few sparse cars in the church's parking lot and Brendon hoped no sermon was going on.

Brendon moved to the solid wooden door and grabbed hold of the handle. he tried not to worry about the fact that he was dressed in a black t-shirt, jeans, and battered sneakers. he figured he probably looked like shit anyway but he didn't care. he remembered something William once told him.

"church is there for those who need it. no questions asked."

Brendon liked to believe that. and right now, he sure as hell needed the church and no questions.

he entered the church and a rush of a dusty kind of scent surrounded him. it was quiet inside the church and it gave an almost instant calming aurora. there were few people in the church at the time, five or six at the most.

the floor was stone and Brendon's feet made a scrapping noise as he walked. on either side of the church were four or five rows of deep mahogany pews. the soft morning light spilled across them in sparking colors through the stained glass windows on the walls of the church.

at the end of the stone walkway was the churches alter. it was covered with a deep red carpet and as Brendon grew closer he could see small long stairs, probably for patrons who wished to kneel. upon the alter was a large number of long candles that were glowing brightly.

Brendon took a seat in the second to the front pew. the few others who joined him in this early morning church visit also sat in the pews but they were all spread out. he took a breath and dipped his head before he placed his slightly shaking hands in the prayer positioned.

Brendon closed his eyes and he could remember. remember when he was little, around seven years old and his mother used to bring him to church with her. they'd sit together on the pew and Brendon would look up at her with wide brown eyes and she would smile and ruffle a hand through his dark brown hair.

Brendon can remember it was one of the few times his mother ever seemed really happy. she'd take his hands in between her's and close them into the praying position. looking back, Brendon wished that he knew what she prayed about.

he wondered if she was praying for a better life or maybe she was praying for the hopes of her son. Brendon wondered what she would think if she could see him now. she'd be disappointed he guessed.

Brendon shook the thoughts of his mother out of his head and thought of his own prayers. mostly he was praying for Pete, that Pete would make it through this unscathed, or at least only as fucked up as he was before. he also prayed for himself, that he would be happy, that he could see Pete again, if only as a friend.

he lifted his head and stared at the alter of the church. the warm glow of the mass of candles flickering around the walls. Brendon didn't really believe that god was listening to his prayers. he had done far too much, he was too much of a sinner for god to even listen. but it was comforting at least, to be here in the church.

Brendon stood from the pew and made his way up to the alter. he remembered that he and his mother would always go up on the alter and light one of the unlit candles. he figured he might as well stick to tradition as he climbed the small steps.

as Brendon lit his candle he noticed for the first time a man sitting on the churches organ bench. the man had orange hair that fell long to his shoulders, framing his face. his eyes seemed far away but Brendon thought he was good looking.

the man seemed to notice Brendon and he stood. Brendon could see that he was dressed in all black and a golden cross hung, shining from his neck.

"hello." the man said and his voice was warm and kind. and he was looking at Brendon.

"hey." Brendon said as he glanced at the man. he wasn't sure what the man wanted and he wondered if the man happened to be the priest. he looked too young to be a priest so Brendon didn't think that was right. there was a small silence between the two as Brendon put out his long match.

"my name is aaron, or brother gillespie. I haven't seen you around here, are you new?" the man named aaron asked. Brendon now turned to face the man named aaron.

"I'm Brendon, yeah, I guess I'm new." Brendon told aaron.

aaron smiled and offered Brendon his hand, Brendon took it and shook limply before letting go. he wasn't sure why aaron was talking to him but he would give the man some time. Brendon thought that aaron was probably a couple years older then him.

"always good when people find god." aaron said with his perpetual smile.

"I actually don't believe in god aaron." Brendon told the redhead and he was sure after he said that aaron would want nothing to do with him. aaron just kept that smile on his face.

"never a better time to start believing." he replied and Brendon kinda smiled at the man's determination.

"what makes you think I want to start believing?" Brendon asked, he didn't know why he was standing here talking with aaron, normally he believed that he would be long gone by now.

"I believe that you're here for a reason Brendon." aaron said. he placed a hand on Brendon's shoulder and he came a bit closer. now that aaron was closer Brendon could see that his eyes again held a far away look.

Brendon gave a little sigh. "I'm too full of sin for god to pay attention." Brendon said and he thought that he was getting ready to leave the church.

aaron gave a compassioNate smile. "Brendon, I used to think like you. see my eyes?" he asked and Brendon nodded. "well I was born blind in one eye and colorblind in the other." aaron told him and Brendon felt bad now for noticing that aaron's eyes were in fact different.

"I was angry." aaron continued. "I thought god had forsaken me. but I came to the church and after some time I realized something. god wanted more from me, he took away my sight because he didn't want me to live life by what I saw but by what I felt and thought." aaron said as he clapped Brendon on the shoulder.

Brendon didn't know what to think about aaron, didn't know why aaron was telling him about his past. he thought that maybe aaron was just telling him these things to try and get him to join the church. but aaron seemed better then that and Brendon wanted to think that he just generally wanted to help Brendon.

"I-I'd better get going." Brendon said as his eyes swept over aaron. aaron in return just smiled and gave a slight nod.

"well, Brendon, I hope to see you again." he said as he offered Brendon his hand. Brendon took aaron's hand before he tucked his hands into his jeans pockets and left the church.

Brendon didn't go into the church expecting to feel better. so it wasn't surprising that when he got back into his car the dark feelings, the memories of seeing Pete in the hospital bed, and the pain blossoming in his jaw all came back to him.


chapter seventeen: letting go to save your life

Brendon returned home at seven in the morning. by then the sun was up and bright in the sky, Brendon groaned a little and wanted the darkness back. it was easier in the dark, easier to hide all the things he didn't want to see. things he didn't want to have to deal with.

he was exhausted by the time he got home. his body and mind both drained from the events of the previous night. when Brendon got home Ryan was still asleep. he dragged himself into the house. he sat on the couch as the quiet of his home surrounded him. his life felt darker to him now, now that Pete had tried to kill himself.

Brendon knew that Pete could get easily depressed and he knew that Pete was more then fucked up, but he never expected that. attempted suicide was the last thing he expected from Pete.

Brendon closed his eyes and tried to imagine what Pete was thinking as he swallowed down the pills that were meant to help him. he thought about what Pete's voice sounded like as he called Patrick, afraid that he could slip and die at any moment.

he let out a long slow sigh and pushed himself off the couch, the heaviness in his heart and in his steps washed over him. all Brendon wanted to do was sleep off the pain and hope that when he woke up he would see that the whole incident had been a bad dream.

Ryan wasn't in Brendon's bed this time, now Brendon kinda wished he was. he wanted a body close to his, to tell him that he wasn't really alone.

Brendon's sleep wasn't good. despite his utter exhaustion he couldn't fall asleep. the thoughts of seeing Pete in that hospital bed and the scuffle with Patrick kept clouding up his mind, keeping him awake.

he finally did fall asleep though. his dreams were dark and nothing seemed to make much sense at all. Brendon woke up startled and sweating much later that day. his clock read four in the afternoon and he sighed at the fact that he had slept so long.

Ryan was already awake as Brendon pulled himself out of bed. the same heaviness came rushing back to him. Ryan was at the table eating dry cereal. he looked up and grinned as he spotted Brendon. Brendon walked over behind Ryan and wrapped his arms around the older boy who sat happily eating.

Brendon pressed a kiss to the top of Ryan's head. his light brown hair tickling against Brendon's face. Ryan smiled but continued eating and Brendon was envious of the older boy's happiness. Brendon pulled away from Ryan moments later and moved into the kitchen.

again he was standing in the kitchen, infront of the sink and staring out the window that gave a view of the side of the house and the driveway.

Brendon thought about eating something, but he wasn't really hungry. he thought about doing some sort of drugs but he decided against that too. his mind was too wrapped up in Pete. all he could think about was the older man and how he was in the hospital. all Brendon wanted to do was see him and take care of him.

Brendon looked back at the clock that was blinking on the stove. it was a little after four and if Brendon was right then Patrick should already be at work. though it was possible that Patrick had taken the day off seeing as his boyfriend was in the hospital and the fact that he had been at the hospital all night.

he settled on calling Joe before he decided to rush off to the hospital. it rang five times before Joe answered.

"hey, man it's Brendon." Brendon said lightly into the phone. Joe kinda sighed a little on the other end.

"hey, Bren what's up?" he asked and Brendon could tell that Joe was stone cold sober. it seemed that Brendon wasn't the only one that Pete's accident had an affect on.

"I-I uh wanted to know how Pete was doing?" Brendon asked, he was nervous, he didn't know if Joe was upset with him for causing a scene at the hospital.

"he's doing better. he woke up so that's always good." Joe said and Brendon muttered out a "yeah." he was glad that Pete was okay, but in that moment he was more concerned with actually seeing the older boy again.

"are you at the hospital right now?" Brendon asked. he leaned back against the counter as he stared out the window.

"no, I came home to shower and get some sleep." Joe began, "Andy's up there now."

"oh?" Brendon said. he wanted to ask about Patrick but he didn't know if Joe would tell him or not. "what-what about Patrick?" Brendon rushed out.

Joe was silent again and Brendon thought that he was thinking of what to say. "he's at work Brendon." Joe began and Brendon was glad. "but if you wanna come see Pete...well I don't think that's a good idea dude." Joe said and he could tell by Joe's tone that he felt bad for having to tell Brendon this.

normally Brendon might accept Joe's anwser, but not today.

"Joe, please." Brendon began. " I have to see him! please even if it's only for a minute...I-I just wanna talk to him...please Joe." Brendon was begging and the sadness was heavy in his voice. Joe sighed again and he knew that was a sign that the boy was giving in.

"fine Brendon, just get up there quick okay? I don't need Patrick finding out about this." Joe said and Brendon grinned and nodded even though Joe couldn't see him.

Brendon hung up the phone and after telling Ryan he was leaving he was out the door and at the hospital in five minutes flat. he rushed to Pete's floor and saw Andy standing outside Pete's door. Andy looked tired, his brown eyes bloodshot as he looked up at Brendon.

Brendon thought that Joe had called Andy because the boy didn't question why Brendon was at the hospital and he didn't stop Brendon from going into Pete's room.

Pete was awake when he entered the room. he sat in the clean white bed, a bored look on his still pale tinged face. Brendon smiled as Pete looked up at him, he couldn't help it, he was so happy to see Pete awake.

"Brendon..." Pete began and apparently no one had informed him that Brendon was coming because he was surprised.

"hi, Pete." Brendon said as he stood just inside the room. he didn't know if Pete was mad at him, fuck he had been so worried about him that he hadn't thought of what Pete would say when he showed up.

Brendon saw Pete smile a bit, almost like it hurt him to do so. "don't worry Bren, you can come closer." Pete said and Brendon smiled a bit wider.

"okay." he said as he moved over to Pete's bedside where a red shiny chair had been pulled up. Brendon sat down and watched Pete. he felt like he had a million things to say but he couldn't think of where to begin. so he stayed quiet, he was going to let Pete start things.

"nice bruise." Pete joked as he raised a hand weakly and pressed his fingers lightly to the purpling deep bruise on his jaw, the one Patrick had left.

"thanks." Brendon said with a smile. he brought his own fingers up to brush against Pete's, it was light and gentle, like Brendon was afraid that Pete would break into a million pieces if handled too roughly. "so how are you feeling?" Brendon asked.

"like I got my stomach pumped." Pete said and Brendon knew he was trying to make the whole situation less sever by joking about it. Brendon didn't think that was the right approach to take.

"you gave us all a scare Pete." Brendon said and his eyes fell down away from Pete's face as the memories of last night flooded Brendon's mind.

"yeah." Pete began, his voice more serious. his fingers fell away from Brendon's face and instead he took Brendon's hand into his own. "I know...I'm sorry." he muttered.

Brendon felt like more should be said then "I'm sorry" but he figured that Pete was trying his best. Pete was really fucked up and Brendon had to see that it would take awhile before he was alright again.

"did Patrick tell you what happened last night?" Brendon asked as he brushed his fingertips against Pete's palm. Pete nodded.

"yeah, bet you didn't know he could punch that hard." Pete joked. his eyes travling to Brendon's bruise once again. "I saw his eye though, so you didn't do too bad either."

"I'm sorry...for what I said to him...last night was pretty fucked up." Brendon said as the fight and the words he had yelled at Patrick that made him attack came rushing back. Pete shrugged it off.

"no, it's my fault really...everything that happened is my fault." Pete began. "I shouldn't have cheated on him in the first place....but damn I loved you so much...and I shouldn't have put you in that position but once I got you I didn't want to let go. I shouldn't have tried to end it all when things backfired on me...it was my own fault...I'm so, so fucking selfish! I wanted all the good even when I couldn't handle the bad."

Pete was barring his soul and Brendon was content to sit and listen. listen to Pete admit every wrong he had committed and he wanted to accept the boy's makeshift apology.

"don't be too hard on yourself Pete...we're all fucked up and wrong...it's not just you." Brendon said as he squeezed Pete's hand. Pete looked up at him with a small injured smile and his warm brown eyes held an ocean of sadness.

"Patrick and the docs decided to send me to rehab..." Pete said. he looked down at their entwined hands and back up at Brendon's face. "so I won't be around for awhile." he added. Brendon felt like there was more that Pete wanted to say but he didn't .

"oh..." was all Brendon said because he didn't know what Pete wanted him to say.

"I want us to be friends when I get out." Pete said finally and he looked back up at Brendon. brown eyes on brown eyes. Brendon nodded.

"that sounds good." he said with a small smile. he knew what Pete was getting at, he was trying to say in the nicest way that he and Brendon would never be together again.

"I feel like I owe it to Patrick...to try and make it work..you know?" Pete asked and again Brendon nodded because he did know, but it didn't make it hurt any less.

"I know you can make it Pete...you two can be happy." Brendon said and it was so fucking hard to be letting go of the man he loved but he knew he had to...to save Pete's life he had to let him go.

Brendon decided to leave before his voice started to break and his eyes sparked with tears. "I'd better go." Brendon said as he stood, their hands still locked together and Brendon knew he would miss that warmth. Pete looked up at him surprised at his sudden need for a departure.

"oh...okay." he said and Brendon smiled at him warmly and tried his best to look like he was happy. he bent down and brushed back Pete's dark hair before he placed a small soft kiss on the older boy's forehead.

Brendon let go of Pete's hand and turned to leave the room. he heard Pete's voice as he reached the door. "I'll always love you Brendon." Pete said and Brendon believed him and it broke his heart.

"goodbye Pete." Brendon responded as he left the room.

he nodded to Andy on his way out and he was back in his car. surprisingly Brendon did feel better now then he had before coming to the hospital. he was glad that Pete was okay and he was glad that the boy was getting help, but he knew that if Pete did get clean that they could never be friends. not with Brendon doing drugs, it would be way too tempting to Pete.

Brendon headed back home and when he arrived Ryan was still where he had left him. Brendon turned on cartoons for Ryan before he headed into the bathroom to take a shower. as he took off his jeans a small paper fell out of the pocket. Brendon picked it up and examined it.

the paper was Nate the bartender's number from the night before. in the events with Pete, Brendon had forgotten that he had the cute bartender's number at all. he smiled to himself as he recalled Nate and he thought about calling him after he got out of the shower.

Brendon was laying in his bed in his boxer's. his damp hair sticking to his forehead. the shower had served to relax him. he held Nate's number between his two fingers, turning it gently. his cell phone lay cool on his stomach as he contemplated whether or not to call the man.

it was nearly five thirty in the evening and Brendon didn't know what Nate could be doing. he guessed that Nate worked the third shift at the strip club so he thought that the boy would be home or sleeping.

Brendon sucked up his nerves and dialed Nate's number before he chickened out. it rang three times and Brendon was tempted to hang up. before he could hang up Brendon heard the phone pick up and the voice he remembered from last night play into his ears.

"hello?" the voice asked.

"Nate?" Brendon asked and he hoped his nerves weren't showing through his voice.

"that'd be me." Nate said and Brendon could almost picture him grinning.

"hey, it's Brendon...you know from the club last night?" Brendon asked.

"oh Brendon, no need to remind me. I remember you." Nate said his voice turning from curious to sexy. Brendon grinned with his face pressed against the phone, he had a feeling that Nate was a charmer but he thought that he probably wasn't as bad as Pete was.

"I'm glad you remember me." Brendon said lightly into the phone. he was glad to talk to someone who didn't know him, not well enough to know how fucked up he was. someone who didn't know what had happened to Pete, if Brendon talked to Nate, he could almost will himself to believe that none of that had happened at all.

"could never forget a face like that." Nate said with a little sigh and Brendon though he heard the rustle of bedsheets.

"did I wake you?" Brendon asked. he ran a hand through his black hair, brushing it away from his forehead.

"nah, I'd rather be talking to you anyway." Nate said and Brendon could almost picture the shorter boy grinning as he lay in his bed. "you're calling me so I guess you'd rather be talking to me too." Nate said slyly.

"yeah, I would." Brendon said with a small laugh. he felt relieved, for the first time since he had heard about Pete. he actually felt that heaviness leaving him slowly, Nate was right, there was no one else he'd rather be talking to.

"so Brendon," Nate began and Brendon noted that he liked the way his name rolled off Nate's tongue. "since I have you on the phone already I might as well ask if you'd like to see me tonight?" Nate said and his voice was smooth and Brendon liked listening to it.

Brendon was only a bit taken back by Nate's sudden offer of what could be considered a date but he anwsered quickly anyway.

"like a date?" Brendon asked even though he thought that the question made him sound overly young. Nate laughed on the other end of the phone.

"yeah, Bren, a date. you and me tonight." Nate said and Brendon went pink at the fact that Nate had called him Bren.

"sure, Nate, where are you taking me?" Brendon cooed into the phone.

"anywhere you want Brendon." Nate said and Brendon could tell he was smiling. Brendon could also tell that yeah, Nate was definitly a charmer.

the duo settled on dinner at a resturant on the upper side of town, Brendon wasn't sure he could afford a dinner there but Nate said not to worry, that all the expenses were on him. they hung up and Brendon felt a warmth in his chest, the same kind of warmth that he had with Pete, except better.


chapter eighteen: a date with Nate

Brendon's date with Nate was set for eight at night, Brendon was ready at seven-thirty five. he had to admit that he was excited. this date with Nate would be the first real date he had went on in a long time. he was excited but he was nervous too.

Brendon was desperate to make this relationship, if it got that far, a normal one and not a disfunctional one like all the others. he didn't know a lot about Nate but he was a bartender so he probably drank, beyond that he didn't know what kind of shit that Nate was into. Brendon decided that he'd keep quiet about his own vices until Nate revealed some of his.

he made dinner for Ryan who was bouncing around the house singing a song that he had learned from whatever cartoon he had been watching earlier. while Ryan ate he explained to the boy that he'd be gone for awhile again, he wasn't sure if Ryan understood but the boy kinda frowned so he figured that he did.

"rya-Ryan-no-al-alone!" Ryan had cried loudly at the dinner table. Brendon had been seated next to him and looked up in surprise. it had been awhile since Ryan had gotten loud.

"Brendon will come back soon." Brendon said as he tried to calm Ryan.

"Bren-Brendon-Ryan-no-al-alo-alone." Ryan said sadly and he looked up big brown eyes shinning. shit Brendon was feeling bad now, he was feeling guilty for leaving Ryan alone so much lately. he had to remember that Ryan was basically a child and that if Ryan really were a child Brendon would never leave him alone.

'what the hell am I supposed to do? get him a babysitter?' Brendon thought to himself as he watched Ryan, who was now scowling and looking down at his food with sad eyes.

Brendon sighed and stood from the table. was it ridiculous to consider getting a babysitter for a twenty-one year old? yeah, probably but Ryan wasn't like other twenty-one year old's. if he was actually considering getting Ryan a babysitter who would he call on?

maybe Andy, he seemed pretty responsible but he wasn't sure if Andy was mad at him. Joe? nah Joe would probably get Ryan high...Brendon didn't want to call on Gabe because he was afraid that Ryan would remember Gabe from the night he was raped.

Brendon sighed and moved into the living room, the curtains were drawn back and Brendon could see across to Jon and Spencer's place. he moved closer to the window and peered out of it, he wasn't sure why but he figured an idea might come to him.

a small orange light caught Brendon's eye. he realized that it was a lit cigarette. it took his eyes a moment to see the shadowy figure sitting on Spencer and Jon's porch. Brendon looked in the driveway and saw that Jon's pick up truck was gone so the figure had to be Spencer.

suddenly an idea hit Brendon and he considered himself stupid for not thinking of it sooner. he could ask Spencer to watch Ryan, it would be easy considering the two were neighbors. Brendon and Spencer hadn't talked much or ask favors of each other but Spencer did know about Ryan and how he was special. Brendon wasn't sure what Spencer would say but he figured it was worth a shot.

"I'll be right back Ryan." Brendon said to Ryan to assure him that he wasn't leaving. it was a warm night and Brendon liked the light breeze that tickled his face as he moved over to Spencer's yard.

"hey, Spencer?" Brendon stopped and asked as he stopped right between the line of his own yard and Spencer's yard.

"yeah?" Spencer said and he seemed surprised that anyone was outside with him at the time.

"it's me Brendon, your neighbor." Brendon said as he moved across Spencer's driveway.

"oh, hey Brendon. what's up?" Spencer asked and Brendon could see him clearer now. he stood from the cement porch, glowing cigarette still in hand.

"not a lot...I uh didn't know you smoked." Brendon mumbled, this was his best attempt at making small talk.

"I don't really, Jon doesn't like the smell." Spencer said quietly as he took a drag of the cigarette and exhaled, the silver smoke twisting intricate figures above his head. the screen door to Spencer's house was open and Brendon could see inside of it. hardwood floors and black furniture.

Spencer had brought up Jon but Brendon wasn't too keen on pushing the issue, so instead he figured he'd get down to business.

"hey, Spencer, I uh, know this is last mintue and all but I kinda got to go somewhere and I kinda need someone to watch Ryan..." Brendon trailed off. Spencer looked kinda confused.

"Ryan needs a babysitter?" Spencer asked and Brendon might have been wrong when he thought that Spencer knew about Ryan's condition.

"well, yeah, see he's got the mind of a kid basically...so it's really dangerous for him to be left home alone." Brendon continued.

"oh" was all Spencer said and he retook his seat on the cement porch and Brendon leaned against the black metal pole of the porch.

"I can pay you if you want?" Brendon asked, he looked up at Spencer hopefully. Spencer took another long drag off his cigarette before he blew out the smoke out and dropped the dying cigarette on the ground, stomping it out with his foot.

"alright, I'll do it...I assume it's at your place right?" Spencer asked as he stood up and came down the stairs, now standing level with Brendon. Brendon nodded.

"yeah, it shouldn't be too long...I just gotta meet someone tonight." Brendon told Spencer. Spencer nodded and tucked his hands into his pockets.

"cool, I'll be over in a few minutes...I just gotta leave a note for Jon." Spencer said and Brendon pretended to not hear the drop in Spencer's voice as he spoke his boyfriends name.

Brendon thanked Spencer before he headed back to his own home, Ryan sitting expectantly on the floor next to the door.

"I told you I'd be back ry." Brendon said as he looked down at Ryan. Ryan gave a wide smile to Brendon and Brendon reached down and ruffled Ryan's soft brown hair. "and good news, our friend Spencer is going to come over and play with you for awhile." Brendon said as he closed the door and glanced at the clock, it wasn't long till Nate would show up.

"spen-Spencer?" Ryan asked and Brendon heard him get up off the floor. Brendon wasn't sure if Ryan remembered Spencer, hell, he wasn't sure if Ryan even knew Spencer back when he was normal. but he figured Spencer was a good guy and he could trust him to look after Ryan.

there was a soft knock on the door three minutes later and Brendon went to open it, Ryan trailing along behind him.

"hey, Spencer, come on in." Brendon said as he backed away and motioned for Spencer to come into the house. Spencer gave a curt nod, and Brendon thought that he seemed a little nervous.

he watched Spencer as he moved into the living room, standing behind the broken down couch. Brendon couldn't fail to notice the large black eye that Spencer was sporting, and again he moved quickly and meekly like he was afraid of everything around him.

Spencer had his arms crossed and tucked safely into himself. again he was wearing a hoodie that was too large and tight jeans with a white belt. Spencer kept his gaze flickering between the floor and Brendon's face, probably hoping that Brendon wouldn't see the dark bruise on his face.

"Ryan, this is Spencer, he's going to watch you tonight while I go out for awhile." Brendon said to Ryan as he motioned towards Spencer. Ryan was currently clinging to Brendon's arm and peering at Spencer shyly.

Spencer waved to Ryan and smiled while Ryan continued to hide behind Brendon. at that time Brendon heard another knock on the door and he turned with a grin as he knew chances were good that it was Nate.

Brendon peeled Ryan's hands off of his arms and headed towards the door. Ryan and Spencer both stood awkwardly in the living room as Brendon opened the door, revealing the short cute bartender, Nate.

"hey, Bren, you look nice." Nate said as he gave Brendon a once over. Brendon grinned.

"thanks Nate." he said, Brendon noticed that Nate was looking beyond Brendon, back at the two young men who stood in the living room. "oh, Nate, this is my roomate Ryan and my neighbor Spencer." Brendon said as he pointed out the two boys.

"hey." Nate said with a little wave. Spencer waved back and Ryan did nothing but stare between Spencer, Brendon, and Nate. "well, we'd better get going." Nate said as he turned his attention back to Brendon.

"oh, right." Brendon said. he turned back to Spencer and Ryan. "Ryan, I'm leaving now, Spencer, I'll be back soon." Spencer nodded and Ryan frowned. Brendon gave a little wave as he shut the door.

he got into Nate's red and black car, with Nate in the driver's seat and Brendon in the front.

"so I don't think your roomate likes me." Nate said and Brendon turned to look at the older man who was driving.

"oh Ryan? no, that's not it at all...see Ryan, he's, well he's mentally challenged so he doesn't know what's going on." Brendon told him. Brendon thought that Nate would ask more questions, want to know more about what had happened to Ryan to make him the way he was, but he didn't. he simply nodded and kept driving.

the rest of the fifteen minute ride to the resturant was filled with small talk between the two boys. when they arrived at the fancy resturant Nate and Brendon got a good table and Nate happened to pay for most of the date with Brendon chipping in here and there.

the date was good in Brendon's opinion and he liked Nate more now that he had the chance to talk to him in a more natural setting then a strip club bar. Brendon liked Nate too because he seemed so normal, not like everyone else he knew, he didn't think Nate did drugs and he had a job so that was already a step up from his previous relationship.

the date was innocent, like the ones Brendon thought high schoolers had. Nate was sweet and romantic and Brendon could feel himself wanting to be around Nate more and more.

there were of course times during the date that Nate just looked so gorgeous that Brendon wanted to pin him to the table and make out with him but he stuck to his plan to play it slow. he even stuck to said plan by giving Nate a simple kiss on the cheek when Nate dropped him off.

Brendon thought that maybe playing it slow was a result of his relationship with Pete, and how it left Brendon feeling easy.

it was a little after eleven when Brendon got back from his date with Nate. the lights in his house were still on and Jon's truck had yet to arrive in Spencer's driveway.

he let himself into the house. everything seemed to be as it was when he left. that was good, it meant that Ryan wasn't too much trouble. the tv was on and cartoons flickered across the screen. Brendon moved into the living room and peered around the couch.

he grinned at the sight that was laid out before him. Spencer was asleep on the couch, his head against the arm rest and his legs curled in. Ryan was laying on Spencer's thigh, sound asleep. Brendon smiled and contemplated letting the two of them sleep on the couch that way but he ultimately decided against it.

Brendon didn't think that Jon would be pleased that Spencer was over Brendon's and that he was asleep with another guy on a couch, even if that guy had the mind of a child and couldn't even remember what sex was.

he moved to the couch quietly, he didn't really want to startle either of the sleeping boys. Brendon moved behind the arm of the couch, near where Spencer's head was resting. he reached out and laid a warm hand on Spencer's shoulder. Spencer jerked awake and Brendon jumped back, he hadn't meant to scare Spencer and he thought that Jon beating him had made Spencer a light sleeper.

"I'm sorry Spencer." Brendon said quietly, unlike Spencer, Ryan wasn't a light sleeper. he still remained asleep while Spencer peered up at Brendon with wide eyes.

"it's okay." Spencer breathed, he realized he was safe and gave a little sigh. he looked down at the sleeping Ryan and Brendon saw him smile.

"was he good?" Brendon asked and he realized that he sounded an awful lot like a parent. Spencer nodded.

"he was great. I had a good time actually." he said as he continued to stare down at Ryan.

"let me get him off you." Brendon said, he moved to the couch and wrapped his arms around Ryan's waist before he pulled him and turned him so that the boy was snuggled on the other end of the couch, his head pressed against the arms rest.

"thanks." spenncer said softly. he stood from the couch and Brendon smiled at the younger guy. "well, I better get home Jon will be back soon." Spencer added. Brendon was tempted to ask Spencer about the bruises, to tell him that he saw what Jon did to him, that he could help but he didn't. it was obvious that Spencer couldn't get rid of Jon and saying anything would just make things worse.

Spencer left to go home and it was only after Brendon had shrugged off his hoodie and his wallet had fallen to the floor with a dull thud did he realize that he had forgotten to pay Spencer.

'shit, well I'll just run the money over now.' Brendon thought. he glanced at the sleeping Ryan before he grabbed his wallet and went over to Spencer's place.

the heavy oak door was open and Brendon could see the living room through the screen door. he knocked lightly and the door rattled under his fist. it was a few moments before he heard the thumping of footsteps and saw Spencer peering into the doorway.

"hey, Brendon, what's wrong?" Spencer asked as he opened the door and stuck his head out.

"oh, nothing I just realized I forgot to pay you." Brendon said with a grin.

"oh, well come in." Spencer said, he was smiling as he moved away from the door and allowed Brendon to come into the home.

Spencer's place was set up almost the same as Brendon's. the style was alittle better, Brendon had to admit. but then again, Ryan was the one who used to decorate. to the left of the doorway was the kitchen while to the right was the living room. from the door Brendon could see a long hallway that at the end split into a left and right side where Brendon thought the bedrooms and bathroom was.

"wanna drink or something?" Spencer asked as he motioned towards the kitchen. Brendon shook his head.

"nah, I'm good." Brendon opened his wallet and fished out a twenty, he wasn't sure if Spencer would accept it but he was going to try anyway. he held out the cash for Spencer to take and Spencer reached out and took hold of it, his eyes suddenly wide.

"oh, shit." Spencer said.

"look Spencer you earned the money so don't worry about it." Brendon began.

"what? no, no, fuck! Brendon, Jon's home!" Spencer cried his eyes wide and looking past Brendon, looking through the screen door at the truck that was pulling up into the driveway.

Brendon swallowed and looked at Spencer for reassurance, when he found none he was sure he felt almost as scared as Spencer usually did.


chapter nineteen: Jon Walker hates his life

"fuck! Brendon, you gotta hide!" Spencer said, his blue green eyes turning on Brendon, large and afraid. Brendon wasn't sure hiding was necessary but the memories of Jon beating the shit out of Spencer was enough to make him think that Spencer was right.

"can't we just tell him that I came over to pay you? won't he understand?" Brendon asked. he heard the ignition on the car die and he knew they didn't have much longer before Jon was at the door.

"no! no way, Jon is way too jealous! he won't understand!" Spencer cried again, he was now holding Brendon by the shoulders, panic obvious on his face. Brendon was feeling a little panicked too, he thought if he had to he could fight Jon but Jon was taller then him and was bigger then him and he wasn't sure it would do any good.

"listen Brendon, go and hide in the closet in our bedroom. I'll distract Jon and when it's safe I'll tell you."Spencer said as he pushed Brendon towards the long hallway and the back bedrooms.

Brendon hurried along as he heard the cardoor slam and he picked up his pace. going into the bedroom that was on the left. he shut the door safely behind him and was now standing quiet in Spencer and Jon's bedroom. the bedroom was large, with the bed taking up most of the room. everything was clean and organzied in the room.

Brendon turned to the wall left of the bed and saw the large wooden doored closet. the door was one of those blinded ones, with the strips of wood and spaces between each. Brendon settled down into the closet, the sleeves of hoodies tickling the top of his head.

the front door slammed and Brendon listened quietly, straining to hear what would be said between Jon and Spencer. "spence, I'm home." Brendon could hear the muffled voice of Jon say, his voice didn't sound loud or angry so Brendon thought that maybe Jon was in a good mood.

Brendon couldn't hear what Spencer was saying but there was a silence before Jon's now loud voice broke the cold silence. "why the fuck isn't there dinner ready?!" Jon shouted and Brendon flinched under his loud angry voice.

"I'm sorry, Jon. I had a couple things to do tonight." Spencer replied feebly.

this was apparently the wrong thing to say to Jon.

"what the fuck Spencer? you out cheating on me?" Jon asked and Spencer was right, Jon was jealous.

"no-no! Jon, I-I just... our neighbor Brendon asked me to do him a favor. that's all." Spencer's voice had lost it's nerve and he sounded scared and that made Brendon's heart drop to his feet, not to mention that Spencer had brought up his name.

"fucking, Brendon, again Spencer? you like him don't you? what? you want to fuck him is that it?" Jon yelled.

"no!" Spencer cried and he sounded closer like the duo had moved down the hall.

there was a sudden heavy thud and Spencer let out a little cry. Brendon guessed that maybe Jon had pushed Spencer into the wall. "don't fucking lie to me Spencer!" Jon yelled and Brendon was sure that even if he wasn't in their house he'd be able to hear Jon yelling.

"I've seen the way you look at him. you fucking want him!" Jon sounded vicious and Brendon was fucking scared shitless because now that the conversation had come around to him, if Jon found him in the bedroom closet...fuck, he'd never make it out alive.

"no, Jon! I love you! I don't want anyone but you!" Spencer pleaded but Jon just scoffed.

"yeah, right!" Jon growled and Brendon heard another loud thud and his eyes widened and his body flinced as he watched the door to the bedroom burst open and Spencer fell to the floor. from his angle in the closet Brendon could barely make out Jon standing with his arm outstreached.

Jon had pushed Spencer into the door with enough force to open it. Spencer was sprawled on the carpeted floor of his and Jon's room, looking unsure as to whether or not he should get up. he didn't need to make a descision seeing as Jon strode over to him and stood leering over him.

"get up Spencer!" Jon said quiet but serious. Spencer didn't need to be told twice, he was up, wobbling on shaking legs. Brendon's heart was thumping wildly in his chest. he was afraid, afraid for Spencer and for himself but at least he was hidden, Spencer had nothing to protect himself from Jon's wrath.

"I go to work at that fucking shit hole of a carwash everyday to pay for this dump, I make sure we have food on the table and the bills are fucking paid while you sit around the house all day and check out our neighbor! that's how you repay me Spencer?" Jon growled and Spencer was shaking as Jon shot an arm out and grabbed a hold of the boys collar.

"I had a job remember Jon?" Spencer began. "you made me quit because you said the manager was hitting on me." Spencer snapped back and it seemed that the moment the words left his mouth he regretted it and for good reason as Brendon quickly learned.

Jon grimaced and drew his hand back before Spencer could apologize, Jon struck him hard in the face. Spencer's head snapped to the side and he brought a pale shaking hand to hold his cheek where Jon had struck him. "see what the fuck you make me do to you spence?" Jon snarled.

"you think I want to hurt you? I don't! but you make it so fucking hard to not want to!" Jon said and in a fast motion he had pushed Spencer backwards hard onto the large bed.

Brendon brought his hand up to his mouth and covered it tightly so Jon wouldn't hear him gasping in surprise. Jon advanced on Spencer who was laying in shock on the bed, shock or maybe he had just learned that he should give up without a fight.

Brendon scooted back in the closet a bit, pulling his knees to his chest. the scene before him reminding him of the night with Travis and Ryan and how he had been so helpless to save Ryan and now here he was again, helpless to save Spencer from Jon.

"this is the only thing you're good for Spencer, getting fucked." Jon said harshly as he climbed up on to the bed and loomed over Spencer. Spencer's face looked hurt but he didn't say anything. Jon leaned down and grabbed hold of Spencer's face before he kissed him harshly. Spencer made a noise of pain but still he didn't stop Jon's action.

while Jon was kissing Spencer harshly, Jon's hands snaked down Spencer's thin body and had unzipped the hoodie he was wearing and lifting Spencer to tug it off violently. Spencer was very much like a ragdoll now, limp in Jon's arms, not fighting back, Brendon could see his eyes had taken on a sad unfocused look.

Jon broke their rough kiss and worked on tugging off Spencer's t-shirt. it was quickly off and Brendon was thankful that he had covered his mouth so no one would hear the gasp that had escaped him. Jon dropped Spencer back down on to the bed, now that Spencer's shirt was off Brendon could see the deep dark marks that bruised his pale moon skin.

the bruises were varying in sizes and darkness but they coated Spencer's stomach and arms and Brendon finally understood why Spencer always wore baggy shirts.

Jon went after Spencer's pants next, undoing them and pulling them off leaving Spencer stripped in five seconds flat. he kissed Spencer harsh again, his white teeth biting down on Spencer's pink lips. despite the way Jon was treating him Spencer slid his arms up and around Jon's neck, maybe out of fear or love. Brendon didn't know.

Jon pulled away from Spencer, only to pull his own shirt off before he crushed his and Spencer's mouths together once again. Spencer was making muffled noises that couldn't be distinguished between pleasure and pain. "Spencer, undo my pants." Jon commanded as he broke his and Spencer's kiss for the second time.

Spencer gave a small nod as Jon moved back allowing Spencer to undo his jeans and pull them down to his thighs. Jon climbed off the bed and removed the rest of his clothes before he rejoined Spencer. Jon really didn't waste time on floor play, just kissed Spencer and slid his hand between Spencer's legs pulling them apart.

"you can pretend that I'm Brendon if you want." Jon sniped at Spencer as he positioned himself outside of Spencer, before he thrusted his hard cock inside of him. Brendon paled at Jon's words and wanted to close his eyes, he didn't want to watch Jon and Spencer have sex but he couldn't pull himself away, part of him was afraid that if he closed his eyes Spencer would be lost.

Spencer made a sound at this and Brendon shuddered. he watched as Jon grabbed a tight hold of Spencer's pale hips and he thrusted into the younger boy. Jon attacked Spencer's neck, biting the tender spot between shoulder and neck.

he was fucking Spencer fast and hard and Spencer's body lurched with each thrust. Spencer was making light gasping noises despite himself and Jon pulled away from his neck grinning an evil sort of grin. "you're thinking about him aren't you?" Jon asked, his voice gruff with lust or anger.

"wha?" Spencer said between a paticularly good thrust from Jon and a rough hand running over his hardened cock.

"Brendon, you're thinking about him aren't you?" Jon asked again and he was staring down at Spencer. his tongue flickering out to lick his lips. Brendon thought that Jon was getting turned on more by thinking that Spencer was pretending that he was Brendon than Spencer was.

Jon didn't wait for an anwser and that was okay because Spencer wasn't giving one. he pushed Spencer's thighs apart farther and pushed his legs up, fucking fast into Spencer's pale ass. Jon was groaning, his nails digging lines into pale hips.

his rythm was ragged and erradict, Jon arched and snaked a hand down to Spencer's hard cock. he pulled quick and just this side of rough. Spencer's head dropped back on to the pillow and his back arched, pushing his cock further into Jon's hand. Jon was tugging quick, running his thumb along the slit and Spencer was crying out, desperate for more.

"Spencer, are you close?" Jon asked and all Spencer could do was nod silently and buck up into Jon's rough grip. Jon laughed gruffly. "when you cum Spencer, I want you to call his name." Jon ordered in that same harsh whisper.

Brendon felt a shudder surge through him and he willed himself not to get hard while watching. Spencer was shaking under Jon's sharp thrusts, he was close and Jon was still pulling at his cock. Spencer wouldn't last much longer and Jon knew that.

"say it Spencer, then I'll let you come." Jon growled as his hand flew up and down Spencer's dick. Spencer cried out and arched his hips, desperate for more pressure, wanting to come.
"say it spence." Jon commanded and gave a squeeze to Spencer's cock.

"Brendon..." Spencer moaned out, his voice light and unsure. Jon groaned and pulled quicker as he thrusted, shoving himself up into Spencer's ass. Spencer seemed to like whatever Jon was doing because he cried out again, giving Jon more of what he asked for.

"fuck me Brendon, please fuck me!" Spencer was moaning and it only served to increase Jon's speed. Jon was close Brendon thought and Spencer didn't seem like he was gonna last much longer either. Jon knelt his head and bit Spencer's shoulder hard as he fucked the younger boy into the mattress.

Brendon sat in the closet, his heart thumping wildly and his cock hard against his jeans. hearing Spencer calling out his name in pleasure was making him shake and the hair on his neck stand on end. he bit at his hand so no whimpers or other sounds would escape him, though even if any did he doubted that Jon or Spencer would notice.

Spencer was gasping and thrashing and writhing under Jon and Brendon knew the boy was about to lose it. he was now chanting "Brendon, Brendon, Brendon." his eyes closed tight and his body arched so beautifully. Spencer came that way, crying out Brendon's name as Jon continued to fuck his brains out. Brendon watched as Jon gave Spencer a few more hard thrusts, before he too froze inside of Spencer and came as well, biting down hard on Spencer's shoulder.

they stayed like that a few moments. Spencer breathing hard, the dark bruises on his stomach moving with the rise and fall of his chest. Jon removed his mouth from Spencer's shoulder and he leaned up and kissed Spencer breifly, but softly and for one glittering moment Brendon could see the way Jon used to be before he became so angry.

Jon pulled out of Spencer and Spencer moaned a little as he did so. the older man was off the bed and collecting his pants from the floor while Spencer lay breathless on the bed, watching his older lover with a mix of nerves and what looked like love.

"good for you spence?" Jon asked as he pulled on his jeans. Spencer didn't anwser but Brendon didn't think Jon wanted him to. he moved to the door and looked back at Spencer. "I want dinner in fifteen minutes." he said as he zipped up his jeans and left the room, closing the door behind him.

that left Brendon and Spencer alone in the room. Spencer laid on the bed motionless and Brendon breathed quietly in the closet. he didn't want to come out until Spencer said it was okay, he didn't want to make things worse for the young boy.

Brendon watched as Spencer sat up and prepared to get dressed. he could see that Spencer had the same dark angry bruises along his back, his hips, his arms. each one a mark left by Jon, each one a burden that Spencer had to bear. he dressed quickly, like he was scared and Brendon wondered if that was the way the boy lived his entire life, scared.

Spencer moved quietly to the bedroom door and hit the lock. he glanced back at the door, obviously not trusting that a lock would keep Jon out. he made his way over to the closet where Brendon sat tucked into him self. "you can come out Brendon..." Spencer whispered, his voice hoarse.

Brendon pushed the closet door open and looked up at Spencer's face. the younger boy wasn't looking at him though, instead he focused his gaze on the floor, too embaressed to look Brendon in the face. he stood and moved out of the closet, keeping himself quiet.

"you can go out the window...I'm sorry Brendon..." Spencer whispered quietly, still not looking at Brendon. he moved to the window that was next to the bed and propped it open for Brendon to crawl through.

"it's okay Spencer." Brendon started as he moved towards the window, his ears straining to listen for Jon's movements throughout the house. he felt like he should say something more to Spencer, but he was at a total loss for words. he didn't know how to make any of what happened seem okay.

Brendon moved to the window, spared a glance back at Spencer who was staring at the floor, before he raised a leg and hung it out the window. "wait, Brendon." Spencer said suddenly and Brendon looked up at the boy, hanging half out of the bedroom window.

"Jon...he wasn't always like that..." Spencer said and he was now looking at Brendon, his eyes teary and he had taken that same familar stance, arms tucked into himself.

Spencer said this like it was an excuse for Jon, like he was desperate for Brendon to believe that he stayed with Jon for a reason, a reason beyond fear. "I know Spencer, it's okay." Brendon said softly before he slid out of the window. he crouched down and walked around the side of the house, back around to the front, down the drive, across the damp lawns and back to his own house where there were no angry boyfriends, just a sleeping Ryan.


chapter twenty: the truth about Nate

three weeks later, life had returned to what could be considered some what normal. Pete had been sent away to a rehab center somewhere out of state, Joe wouldn't tell him where though. probably because they figured that Brendon would go and see him, Brendon in fact would never go see anyone in rehab. he was too afraid that if he did then they'd pull him in too.

the police had yet to be back to see Brendon and he wasn't sure what was going on with Brent's murder case. he was hoping that Ryland was keeping Tom off his back but he still didn't trust Ryland's skills enough to keep drugs in the house.

Brendon had been seeing William Beckett every other day, getting an almost daily delivery of an assortment of drugs. the duo would sit in Brendon's bedroom or bathroom and get high, and William would talk, talk about what ever he was thinking at the moment. the guy could be damn philosophical when he wanted to be.

he hadn't been hitting the drugs too hard lately, the reason for that being his budding relationship with Nate. in the three weeks since their first date, Nate and Brendon had been spending an incredible amount of time together. not that Brendon minded that at all.

the more time he spent with Nate the deeper he fell in love. he learned that Nate had graduated from high school and went to a semester of college, he had been working at the strip club bar for a year and a half even though he was wasn't old enough to drink when he started.

Nate liked coming over Brendon's place a lot. something that Pete did too, not because he liked it but because he was hiding from Patrick. the older boy would come over and watch movies with Brendon snuggled up together on the couch, or to Brendon's utter delight cook dinner for the two of them.

the thing that Brendon was overjoyed about though was the fact that Nate had taken an interest in Ryan. when he came over to see Brendon he actually took the time to talk with Ryan. lately Brendon was feeling every bit the single parent whose would be boyfriend wanted the child's approval.

in the beginning Ryan was scared and would huddle behind Brendon whenever Nate came around, but as Nate began spending more and more time at the house, Ryan began to trust him more.

today the trio were at an ice cream shop downtown. it was a little cheesy but Brendon loved it all the same. it was warm so they were sitting outside on one of those circular tables. Brendon sat in the middle with Ryan and Nate on either side of him.

Nate had his head on Brendon's shoulder as he nibbled at his cup of ice cream and Ryan licked happily at his ice cream cone making the other patron's stare. some part of Brendon felt like the three of them were a family and he felt giddy at the thought.

it was never like this with Pete. at most Pete gave Ryan passing glances and small waves but never really talked to him when he was over, he was always focused on the drugs or on Brendon.

Brendon figured it was hard for Pete, hard for the older man to see Ryan this way. Pete had known Ryan back when he was normal and the two of them had gotten along great, better then Pete and Brendon got a long. so, after Ryan's accident it was hard for Brendon to accept that Pete acted like Ryan didn't exist.

"Brendon, baby." Nate began as the older boy leaned into Brendon, pressing his mouth to his ear. Brendon giggled and swatted Nate away playfully.

"what is is Nate?" he asked, smiling at his boyfriend. Brendon was calm now, Brendon felt happy for the first time in a long time and it was all thanks to Nate.

"I want you to come over tonight." Nate whispered and Brendon looked at him with slight surprise. sure, Nate had been over Brendon's place plenty of times but Brendon had never been to Nate's house yet. he smiled and nodded, feeling like they were making progress.

"oh, wait, what about Ryan?" Brendon asked as he looked from Nate to Ryan who was oblivious to the whole conversation. Nate's face went blank before he smiled.

"bring him along. I don't mind." Nate smiled and dropped his hand down to take hold of Brendon's, giving it a light squeeze. Brendon returned the smile and nodded, excited to see Nate's house for the first time.

it was seven at night when Brendon and Ryan pulled up outside Nate's apartment building. it was beige and tall, the top stretching high into the sky. Brendon felt a twinge of nerves as he shut off the car and helped Ryan out of the backseat.

Nate lived in apartment building in the middle of the city. the building was a tall brick building with large white steps. Brendon and Ryan moved up to the steps a copper plaque with the residents names sitting to the right of the steps. Brendon scanned the plaque for Nates name and found it third from the bottom. "Nate Navarro." Brendon said with a smile as he pressed the white botton next to Nate's name.

"Bren?" Nate's voice crackled over the speaker and Brendon acknowledged that it was him. "hang on baby." Nate said before Brendon heard the buzz of the door being opened. the two boys took the stairs into the small gray lobby of the building. the lobby was empty and consisted of nothing more then the doors leading out, a long stretch of gray mailboxes along the wall, an elevator and a set of spindely black stairs that twisted high into the air.

Brendon led Ryan to the elevator. the two boys holding hands as Brendon pressed the button to open the elevator. "wher-where's na-Nate-brend-Brendon?" Ryan asked as the duo stood in the elevator and Brendon pressed the button to go to the fourth floor of the building, where Nate lived.

"you'll see Nate in a few minutes ry." Brendon said with a smile, he was glad that his friend had taken such a shinning to Nate. Ryan smiled widely as the elevator doors closed before shuddering to life and moving the duo upwards.

moments later the doors re-opened and Brendon's heart leapt because he was that much closer to seeing Nate's house for the first time. he felt like Nate inviting him was like going up a step in their relationship. and Brendon had a good feeling, he could feel that he and Nate had potential, they could be more then he and Pete ever were.

the elevator opened up to a green floored hallway with matching wallpaper and brown wooden doors with shining golden numbers. Brendon remebered Nate telling him that he lived in apartment 407, so he set off down the hall Ryan's hand in his, searching for the appropriet apartment.

Nate's apartment was at the very end of the slight dilapitated hallway and Brendon didn't hesitate before he knocked on the brown chipped door. it was opened moments later and Brendon stood face to face with his shorter boyfriend.

"hey, Bren." Nate said a crooked smile on his face and his brown eyes twinkling under his side swept brown bangs. Nate reached out and took hold of Brendon, pulling him into a tight embrace and sneaking a small kiss on the boys lips and neck. Nate released Brendon and stepped back, allowing the younger boy to step into the hardwood floored living room.

"ryro!" Nate said excited to see the boy and Ryan grinned and allowed himself to be hugged and led inside by Nate.

Brendon stood in the doorway, drinking in Nate's apartment. despite the outside of the apartment looking shabby the inside was nothing less then chic. the living room was to the left and took up the most space, the hardwood floors gleaming. black leather furniture was set out in the living room, a long couch and two small recliners. everything looked clean and the apartment smelt nice, like Nate.

Nate also had an collection of electronic devices. a widescreen tv was on the floor not too far from the tv, while a silvery stereo was nestled on a large black shelf that held books, and cd's, and other miscellanious objects.

to the right of the doorway was the kitchen, a small wall seperated the two rooms but from what Brendon could see the floor was light blue linolium and he caught glimpses of a silvery refrigerator and stove. on the other side of the kitchen's wall and a little farther down was a hallway that Brendon presumed led to the bathroom and bedroom. if Brendon got his way, he'd be able to check later.

"Ryan, listen. I got you a gift and it's in my bedroom. why don't you run and get it?" Nate told Ryan, his hand on the taller boy's shoulder. Nate was pointing down the hallway, Ryan's face lit up and he moved down towards the back rooms.

Brendon smiled as he felt Nate move behind him and hold him tightly around the waist. he could feel Nate's head resting against his back. Brendon turned so he was facing his boyfriend. "you're going to spoil him." the younger boy told his boyfriend, the him he was referring to was Ryan.

Nate gave a little shrug. "maybe he deserves it."

"you have a nice place." Brendon mumbles against Nate's lips. "strip club must pay better then I thought."

Nate pulls away from Brendon and kisses him on the neck. "helps when you have a little job on the side."

Brendon's skin flushed from Nate's mouth working on him. "oh, and what job would that be?"

"not important." Nate said against Brendon's neck as he dipped his hands under the hem of the younger boy's shirt. Brendon relished the feeling of Nate's warm hands on his skin and he wanted more of it.

Brendon and Nate had yet to sleep together, all a part of Brendon's plan to take it slow, but now he was in Nate's house and his boyfriends mouth felt way too good as it sucked on his neck and Brendon was suddenly thinking that maybe he and Nate waited long enough. there was just one problem though, Ryan.

"ah, Nate we can't do this with Ryan around." Brendon said moving away from the other boy. Nate gave a pout but shrugged.

"tonight then?" he asked and Brendon nodded and kissed Nate before he went to find Ryan. Brendon was right. the two rooms in the back were the bedroom and bathroom. the door to the bathroom was only opened a crack, just enough for Brendon to see a black shower curtain.

Brendon found Ryan in Nate's bedroom. sitting on the large bed with it's gray comforter and white crisp sheets. he was sitting hunched with his back to the door. Brendon could hear strange little noises and he called out to the boy. Ryan's head snapped up and he turned to look at Brendon, a huge smile on his face.

"loo-look-Brendon!" Ryan said holding up a small square device for Brendon to see. oh shit Brendon thought. he was worried that Ryan had gotten into something of Nate's and was now attempting to destroy it.

"Nate!" Brendon called and he heard soft padding before Nate was behind him once again, arms wrapped around Brendon's waist.

"what's wrong babe?" he asked as he looked from Brendon to Ryan and back again.

"I think Ryan has something of yours." Nate looked and saw what Ryan was holding and he gave a short laugh and it rang around inside Brendon's chest.

"no, that's his present. it's a video game thing." Nate told Brendon. he was watching Ryan with a smile as he watched the boy play with his present. everyday that Nate, Brendon, and Ryan spent together Brendon began feeling more and more like a family and again he was feeling like he and Ryan were a packaged deal, much like a single parent and their child.

Ryan, Brendon, and Nate spent the rest of the day together. Nate made dinner as previously promised and it was better than anything Brendon had ever cooked and maybe even better then William's cooking. the trio ate at Nate's glass dining table and yeah, Brendon could definitly get used to the family feeling, he was already getting used to the perfection that was his relationship with Nate.

compared to what his and Pete's relationship had been like, Brendon felt like he deserved it.

later into the night Ryan passed out on the couch watching a disney movie. Nate and Brendon didn't let that golden opportunity slip by. the two boys were in Nate's bed. Brendon was already stripped of his shirt and his jeans were undone and falling off his hips. Nate's shirt was long gone too and he was sporting an array of light purple bruises from Brendon's mouth.

the two boys were making out hard, all tongues and teeth and Brendon was hard as a rock and he just wanted to fuck so bad. "Nate, Nate lets do it already." Brendon panted as he pulled away from Nate, his warm fingers dipping into the waist of Nate's jeans.

"what? no floorplay?" Nate joked and Brendon shook his head.

"no, I need sex, now." Brendon half whined at the fact that his hard cock was still trapped in his underwear, so much for taking it slow.

"okay, but actually...I kinda wanted to talk to you for a minute." Nate said, his smile fading and he eased off of Brendon, settling next to the boy on the bed.

"oh, okay." Brendon said and he could tell that Nate was being serious and he wasn't sure if it was time for him to worry or not. to be honest, he was used to being worried, he was used to being let down and being in love with people who were so imperfect. but Nate, he always seemed like he had it all together. he didn't seem to have any bad habits or serious problems, Brendon just assumed that he was normal and well adjusted, perhaps he was wrong?

"I actually have something to tell you." Nate said and he was watching Brendon intently, his dark eyes somber and for the first time Brendon was seeing Nate's serious side.

"oh god, you're dating someone else aren't you?" Brendon cried dropping back on the bed, his hand coming up to cover his eyes.

"what? no, it's not like that." Nate said reassuring his boyfriend

"then what is it?" the younger boy asked. he sat up and leaned forward, taking Nate's hand in his own.

"well, remember when you asked me about my apartment and I said I had another job beside the strip club?" Nate said to Brendon, reminding the younger boy of their earlier conversation. Brendon nodded.

"well...that other job...well it's not exactly the most ordinary of professions..." Nate trailed off and Brendon felt a lump in his throat.

"you're a drug dealer?"

"no, Brendon."

"then what? please, just tell me."

"Brendon, I like you a lot and I don't wanna lose you but I feel like you deserve the truth."

"you're scaring me Nate...please just tell me what you do."

"...I'm a porn star Brendon."


chapter twenty one: I'm in the business of getting off

"You're a what?" Brendon asked, unable to believe that he had heard Nate correctly or at least hoping that the older boy was joking around. Nate's face remained a blank slate and yeah, Brendon was pretty sure the boy was serious.

"It's true Bren, I work in the porno business." Nate told him and he sounded so hesistant, Brendon could tell that he'd rather not be saying anything at all. Brendon was silent, he didn't know what to say. All his experience with people had never taught him how to respond to a porno bombshell.

"I...how long?" The younger boy asked, suddenly he was very happy that he and Nate had yet to have sex. Nate tilted his head, thinking of his anwser.

"About a year and a half." Nate told him and Brendon was relived, at least a bit because Nate had been in the business long before Brendon was even a thought in his mind. "What are you thinking Brendon?" Nate asked, Brendon lifted his head and looked at his boyfriend.

"I'm not sure." He was anwsering honestly, he didn't know how he felt, more surprised than anything. he really didn't feel like he could judge Nate for being a porn star when he had vices of his own but he still had the right to be a little pissed, didn't he?

"What...what kind of porn do you do Nate?" The dark haired boy asked and he felt stupid asking but he wanted to know, he wanted to sort it all out and see how he felt after he got his anwsers.

Nate wasn't looking at Brendon anymore, he had decided that his sheets were far more interesting and Brendon did not take that as a good sign.

"I do scenes with boys and girls Bren." he replied and Brendon appreciated his honesty but that didn't stop him from imagining his boyfriend fucking an endless stream of faceless boys and girls. Brendon pulled his hand away from Nates, decided to wrap his long thin arms around himself, he suddenly felt very unclean.

Nate's face looked hurt but he didn't make any move to touch Brendon. the older boy sighed deeply like he had expected this to happen, and yeah maybe he had had this conversation before. Brendon wonders how many people Nate's had to tell this same story to.

"I get if you don't understand Brendon, I just wanted to tell you because...because I felt like this was going somewhere, I felt like maybe we were real?" Nate tells him and Brendon feels little twinges of guilt striking in his chest, like small cuts from invisible knifes.

"can you...can you just tell me how this happened?" Brendon asked because he wants to get the whole story before he even begins to sort out how he feels. who knows, maybe Nate had a good reason for getting into the porn business.

Nate shifted but nodded, complying with what Brendon said. "well...I moved to the city after high school, I had big dreams you could say. I wanted to be a musician, that was my dream..and I was just naive enough to believe that could actually happen." Nate laughed a little but it came out all wrong, sounded so sad that Brendon didn't ever want to hear it again.

"I got a couple of jobs playing in these really sleazy clubs, of course no one was interested in the music, too busy trying to fuck each other in the bathrooms and corners of the neon colored clubs. I was barely scraping by, no one would hire me, I had little to no money, slept where I could, ate what I could. I was so close to giving up and going home...but then one day at the club while I was playing I noticed this guy watching me. I honestly thought he was interested in my music, but he wasn't, he was interested in my body."

Nate was frowning remembering the events that led to his induction into porno land.

"he told me that I'd be good for his business, said I could get a good high paying job with him, make lots of money right away. I was just a kid back then, just nineteen. of course I thought it was a good idea. so I went and I found out what was going on...I wasn't into it at first but then I found out how much I would be paid...and lets just say that everybody has a price Brendon."

Nate finished his story and Brendon could feel sympathy for him, he really could. "but now you have the bartending job...why keep doing porn?" Brendon asked and Nate looked at him and shrugged a bit.

"I was afraid to lose that solid income...I don't ever want to go back to the way I was before, I have a nice place now, nice things and I have you." the last part was said somewhere between a question and a statement and Brendon averted his eyes because he didn't want to look at Nate right now.

"Brendon, if you're worried that I'm not clean or something...I am. I always use protection, I'm always safe." Nate told him, he was eager to say anything he could to keep Brendon from getting up and walking out.

"that's reassuring I guess." Brendon started "but what if it just bugs me that you're with so many people?" he looked up at Nate, their brown eyes locking together. Nate looked like he was waiting for those words to leave the younger boy's mouth.

"I don't get pleasure from it, not really. I mean to me it's kinda a job by now, you know get there fuck so and so and then leave...there's not really emotions or anything." Brendon knew Nate was trying his best to reassure him but he was kinda failing as the thoughts of Nate fucking people, getting people off and the idea of people sitting in their living rooms, jacking off to his boyfriend made Brendon squirm.

"so...you don't even like sex now?" Brendon asked, because despite getting told that his boyfriend was a porn star, he was still attracted to Nate, he still had the same feelings, they weren't just turned off because of this bombshell.

"I like it when it's real, when it would be with you." Nate told him and the older boy is smiling and he looked like he wanted to reach out and touch Brendon, but he sits back like he's not sure if he can or not.

there is a small silence between the two boys and Brendon lifts his head when he hears Nate speak.

"Brendon, I love you...that's why I decided to tell you. I mean it would've been easy to just sleep with you tonight and not tell you about that side of my life, but I didn't want to do that. I wanted to be honest with you because I want this to work, I want you and me to work."

Brendon's frozen because Nate just said he loved him, that was the first time he'd said that. Brendon can remember all the times Pete said that, and how sometimes he'd doubt it, sometimes he'd think they were just words the boy was using to get what he wanted. but with Nate, with Nate it felt real. Brendon could believe what Nate was saying, he wanted to see that Pete and Nate were completely different.

"I love you too, Nate." and Brendon wasn't lying, he could feel his heart beating quicker and he knew that he honestly did love Nate. the older boy smiles and Brendon can see almost all the teeth in his mouth.

"so, do you think you can look pass this? and we can just go back to how it was before?" Nate asked and Brendon is quiet for a moment before he nods, shifts and moves closer to his boyfriend. leaning in to kiss the older bartender.

despite Brendon accepting Nate's being a porn star, the mood is gone and Brendon does nothing but sleep in Nate's bed that night.

the next day he and Ryan leave the apartment, Nate kissing Brendon deeply before the younger boy left. he had also slipped a dvd into Brendon's hand. "watch it later, when you're alone." he whispers and pats Brendon's ass before he closes the door.

Brendon looks down at the blank dvd and he's not a genius but he's pretty sure he already knows what it is.

when the duo gets home Brendon cooks the two of them lunch, Ryan nearly addicted to the video game that Nate had bought for him. Brendon thinks that maybe he's been underestimating Ryan, maybe the boy is smarter then he gives him credit for. after breakfast, Ryan resigns himself to sitting in front of the tv, totally entranced with his game.

Brendon takes this little opportunity to go into his room with the dvd from Nate. he sits on his bed setting the dvd down beside him. Brendon's been feeling the same familar shakes in his body, the same deep twisting need in his gut, it's his body crying out for drugs. when he was with Nate he didn't do drugs, but it didn't stop him from wanting to do them. love could do a lot, but it can't stop you from doing drugs.

the boy digs around in the bottom drawer of his nightstand, lifting out the familar baggie of coke, he knew he shouldn't have even had it in the house, but he was weak and William was willingly to sell. Brendon snorted coke off his dirty square mirror, the one he had used with Pete so long ago.

his body instantly calmed and flared up at the same time, Brendon shivered in pleasure as the drugs washed through him, feeding the internal beast. he placed the dvd into the player and hit the start button. Brendon settled back on his bed and undid the button on his jeans, letting the denim slide down his hips.

a purple screen flashed up and Brendon was treated to the sight of flashes of flesh and deep echos of moaning filled the room. Brendon's breath hitched a bit, thinking that maybe one of those moans was from Nate. a title came up on screen, 'Nate the great meets the snake' Brendon nearly burst into giggles because Nate's porn name was Nate the great? not very creative in Brendon's opinion.

the dark haired youth hit the play button and the movie began. to be honest Brendon wasn't too interested in the movie, that was until Nate showed up. Brendon smiled at movie Nate as his boyfriend delivered ultra cheesy lines, in a vauge attempt at seducing other men.

Brendon was nervous about watching the movie, could he really see his boyfriend fuck other guys? or get fucked by them? he hadn't even experienced sleeping with Nate yet, so did he want to watch it? the anwser ended up being yes because the first sex scene came on and Brendon's heart leapt to his throat, his brown eyes unable to leave the television.

Nate was in a scene with a thin blonde man. the duo were in an outlandishly decorated room, with lavender silk bedsheets and fuzzy looking walls. the blonde man or 'snake' as he was called in the movie was on all fours on the bed, Nate coming up behind him.

Brendon eyed Nate's naked form hungrily, the boy was lean and musculed and tanned, Brendon thinks they probably put oil on him to because he was all shiny. Nate's dark, blonde streaked hair fell in his eyes, his cock hard and bigger then Brendon imagined. the boy's breath hitched when he Nate pushed his thick cock into the blonde boy.

Nate groaned and his hands came up to the boys hips, clenching them tightly. he pulled out all the way only to shove himself back into the tight hot heat of the other man. Brendon's cock twitched and he couldn't help himself, he dropped his hand into his jeans and stroked himself.

Brendon watched the sex scene play out, Nate fucking snake hard and fast. filthy cheesy porn lines falling from his beautiful lips. Nate fucks the boy hard, he's hunched over him, biting the blonde boy's shoulder as he cries out under Nate. Brendon is jerking off, he's never really found porn all that great, not when compared to the real thing but this, this is so much better because it's Nate, it's his and he wants it.

Brendon wants to be fucked by Nate, just like this he thinks, just like in the movie. his cock moves hot through his hand and he lets his head fall back on his pillows but he doesn't tear his eyes away from the screen, he doesn't want to miss a moment.

the fucking continues onscreen and Brendon can see his boyfriends thrusts getting more eratic, more jagged and desperate, he knows the boy is close to coming. that thought turns him on more and he works himself faster, pretending it's Nate's hands running over him, that it's his fist he's thrusting into.

Brendon finishes almost the same time as Nate does. he lays back on the bed, catching his breath before he sits up and goes to the bathroom to clean himself up. he pads back into his room afterwards, grabs the phone and is dialing Nate's number as the afterglow of orgasm washes warm over him, he's done with the movie, he's ready for the real thing.


chapter: twenty-two: movie magic

Nate decides to come over after his shift at the strip club. Ryan's already asleep and Brendon's in his bedroom, eagerly awaiting his boyfriends arrival. Brendon tries not to think about how his pillows still smell like Pete, he thinks he probably should've washed them but something about it was comforting, to be laying in bed alone and still feel like Pete was there beside him.

Brendon is looking forward to having his room smell like Nate instead.

he gets a text message from Nate saying that he's outside, Brendon goes and lets Nate in. the older boy smells like cigarette smoke and alcohol but Brendon doesn't mind. they're kissing as soon as Nate steps into the house. quick and needy, like they hadn't seen each other in days. Brendon smiles into the kissing and wraps his arms around Nate's shoulders, leading them back to the bedroom, to pick up where they had left off the night before.

their shedding clothes along the way to the bedroom, Brendon's hands slipping under Nate's black button up shirt, slidding it off his shoulders and watching as if falls to the floor. Brendon's own clothes are being lost just as quickly, a trail of their lust.

they collaspe on to Brendon's bed and the younger boy is hit with the scent of Pete, but it's distant and he's far more interested in remembering what Nate's skin taste's like. he's kissing a trail down Nate's neck as the older boy slides off Brendon's jeans. Brendon feels the cool air hit his naked body and he's ready, growing hard by the second.

Nate kisses Brendon quickly before he gets off the bed, going to grab a condom and lube. Brendon props himself up on his elbows and watches his boyfriend, he looks almost the same as in the movie. that thought alone was enough to excite him.

Nate returns to the bed, laying on top of the younger boy, their warm skin flushed and rubbing together. Brendon gasps as he feels Nate's cool, lube slicked fingers brush along the length of his cock before they drop lower, pressing between his legs.

Nate trails kisses down Brendon's jaw as he presses his long fingers into the boy. he's getting him ready and Brendon thinks that Nate's just a little too good at it.

"Nate, baby, please I need to be fucked." Brendon whines as his hips buck up, pushing Nate's fingers in deeper. Nate chuckles a little and presses his fingers in just a bit deeper, searching for Brendon's sweet spot. Brendon shudders and the older boy grins because yes, he found it.

"so, I'm guessing you watched the movie?" Nate whispered hotly into Brendon's ear, pulling out his fingers. Brendon whimpered from the sudden loss but quieted down when Nate kissed him deep, he held Brendon's legs open perparing to slide into the boy.

"no" Brendon says suddenly, breaking his kiss with Nate. the older boy looks down confused, lust filled eyes searching the younger boy's face.

"weren't you just begging to be fucked a minute ago?" Nate says because to be honest he'd be pissed if Brendon tried to stop it now.

"I do, but not like this." Brendon tells him and he lays a hand on Nate's chest, pushing him back. Nate sits back on his heels and watches as Brendon rearranges himself, watches as the dark haired boy gets on his hands and knees, ass facing Nate.

"you wanna do it like this?" Nate asks, he's not complaining as his eyes wander the gorgeous back side of Brendon Urie, he's just making sure. Brendon nods and that's all the confirmation Nate needs.

Nate moves up behind Brendon, his strong hands coming to rest on Brendon's sharp pale hips. he's hard and he wants this more then he ever thought. "you're fucking goregous Brendon." Nate says, he moves one of his hands and runs it down from Brendon's neck and back until it's back on the boy's hip.

Brendon's breathing is heavy and he whines, his cock hard and leaking between his legs, as Nate positions himself and slides into his younger boyfriend. a sharp gasp leaves Brendon and Nate grunts, tighting his grip on the boy's hips.

Nate starts slow, filling Brendon with his cock. "faster, harder." Brendon requests. Nate grunts but fills the boys want, he pulls himself out all the way before he thrusts back in, hard and quick and Brendon's body lurches with the action but he's growling. Nate catches Brendon's hand slipping between his own legs, the younger boy tugs on his leaking dick.

Nate pushes Brendon's hand away and replaces it with his own, giving him long hot strokes. Brendon with his hands now free grabs a tight hold on the brown chipped headboard, a move that Pete used to do many times while they fucked. he pushes that thought aside and focuses purely on the feeling of Nate sliding in and out of him.

they gained a steady rythm after that. Nate fucking Brendon's hot, tight ass, the boy's body jerking with each hard thrust. "yeah, fuck me Nate." Brendon moans, he throws his head back, his mouth open and eyes screwed shut.

the older boy groans and curls his body over Brendon's, his chest pressed slick against Brendon's back. he licks at the boy's neck, tasting the sweat that's trailing down the pale skin.

"fuck me like in the movie, please, Nate." Brendon's begging and that turns Nate on. he jacks Brendon off quicker as he pushes inside, the headboard thumping against the wall, the background to their fucking. after a few moments Nate pulls back and wraps his arms around Brendon, pulling him back with him.

now Nate's on his back with Brendon on top of him, riding his cock like it's all he's ever wanted to do. Nate grips Brendon tightly and helps pull him down on his cock, Brendon grinds his own hips down, wanting to take Nate's cock as deep as he can.

"fuck, Brendon.." Nate is groaning his eyes fluttering closed as the tight heat envelopes him. having sex with porn stars is nothing compared to fucking Brendon, and Nate wishes this would never end.

Brendon's hands are on Nate's legs as he rides the older boy, the most beautiful obscene noises falling from his lush lips. Nate's still working his cock and the boy is tensing, he knows that Brendon won't last much longer. he fucks deeper, working to hit that sweet spot inside Brendon.

when he finds it Brendon mewls and writhes on top of Nate, pressing his body down to hit that spot again. with a few more hard thrusts Brendon is shaking and Nate knows he's on the verge of coming, Nate himself is barely hanging on.

"Nate, fuck, Nate." Brendon cries as he freezes above his boyfriend. Nate feels a hot wetness hit his hand but he doesn't mind. Nate's thrusts grow more ragged and his nails grip Brendon's hips, leaving red trails behind. with a few more thrusts he comes too, crying out Brendon's name.

Brendon crawls off of Nate and settles down next to him. the duo are breathing heavily and Brendon feels tired, doesn't care if he falls asleep naked, sweaty and covered in fluids, as long as he can hear Nate's steady breathing.

"I love you." Brendon hears and he wishes he was coherent enough to say it back but it's already too late, he's falling off into the darkness.

in the morning Nate and Brendon shower together while Ryan is sleeping. they give each other handjobs and Brendon wants to wake up like that all the time. Nate cooks the trio breakfast and Ryan is sitting with the older boy at the table, happily recounting his favorite cartoon.

Brendon wants to say that things right now, in this moment is perfect, but he doesn't because he doesn't want to jinx things, to ruin them. he wants this perfection to last forever.

after breakfast Nate says he has to leave, to get ready for work. Brendon doesn't need to ask which job Nate's going to, he already knows. Brendon and Ryan walk Nate to his car, Nate kissing Brendon deeply in his driveway before he climbs into his red and black sports car. Brendon waves him off and Ryan calls out "bye Nate!" and waves to the older man.

Brendon is about to head into the house when he hears a gruff voice calling out to him. he turns at the sound of his name and see's Jon standing next to the wooden fence that seperates his and Brendon's yard's.

Brendon freezes at the sight of Jon, the memory of watching the older man fucking Spencer still fresh in the boy's mind. "oh..hey, Jon...what's up?" Brendon asks and he hopes he doesn't sound nervous.

Jon is frowning and leaning against the fence. Brendon thinks that Jon has the potential to look like a nice person, if someone didn't really know him they might think he was actually kind, Jon wears flip-flops for god sakes, what kind of abuser wear's flip-flops?

"have you seen Spencer?" Jon asks and Brendon's heart stops. fuck, was this some kind of test? did Jon know Brendon had been in the room that night?

Brendon shakes his head because no, he actually hadn't seen Spencer since that night. Jon looks crestfallen and Brendon is tempted to ask about what's happening, why Spencer is missing but it's not like he and Jon are friends or anything, which means that if Jon's asking Brendon about Spencer's whereabouts then it must be a last resort.

"is he missing?" the younger boy asks and Jon shakes his head, his dark dirty bangs falling into his equally dark eyes.

"no, he's probably visiting his mom or something." Jon says but even he doesn't sound convinced. "but uh, if you see or talk to him tell me alright?" he says and for a brief moment Brendon can see past the angry abusive Jon, can catch a glimpse of the Jon that really loves Spencer.

Brendon nods again but he can't imagine Spencer coming to him if he decided to run. he wasn't really friends with Spencer much either. there is a silence between Jon and Brendon before Jon sighs, nods and turns away. "okay, see ya Brendon." he says and if Brendon isn't so sure he thinks Jon sounds upset.

Brendon takes Ryan back into the house. he's standing in his room when he glances out the window, the drab curtains fluttering in the slight breeze. Brendon thinks he see's just the smallest flicker of movement in his backyard, out by the shed. Brendon tenses, he wonders if someone is outside, maybe it's the police? the boy takes a deep breath and decides he has to go outside and check it out, he vaugely wishes Nate hadn't left yet, he realizes that sounds childish but he doesn't care.

Ryan is in the living room and doesn't notice Brendon slipping out the screen door in the kitchen, heading up the driveway and over through the shabby lawn that desperately needs cutting. Brendon doesn't know what he'll do if it's not the police, if it's someone else, someone dangerous. he wasn't smart enough to bring out a weapon with him.

he's close to the shed but doesn't see anyone, he does notice that the shed door is definitly cracked open when it shouldn't be and Brendon wonders if he forgot to lock it back up after that day with Pete. the boy moves forward, legs shaky slightly because yeah, he doesn't live in the best neighborhood and he wouldn't be surprised if some kind of vagrant had wandered into his backyard.

Brendon's to the shed door now and he knows that if someone is in there then there really is no use in hesitating. he reaches out and grabs the door, pulling it open. the inside of the shed is dark, the light from the afternoon sky is filtering in from behind him but not enough to make Brendon able to see inside the shed.

"hello?" Brendon says lightly, if someone is in there he certainly doesn't want to scare them. there is a silence and Brendon feels stupid because he was probably just imagining things. he's about to turn around and head back to the house when he hears a hushed voice issue from the darkness.

"Brendon?" the soft, scared voice says and Brendon can place the voice easily, he already knows who it is. the dark haired boy leans in and grabs hold of the light switch, tugging the string and sending that sam warm buttery light washing across the inside of the shed.

there is a figure crouching down between boxes of usless crap, back against the rough wooden wall of the shed. Brendon gapes, surprised because really this is the last person he expected to find hiding in his shed. "what are you doing?" Brendon asks, he's not upset just surprised and curious.

Spencer looks up at Brendon, a large dark purple bruise blossoming from around his right eye and along his jaw, like he was struck multiple times around the right side of his face. he looks scared but at the same time calm.

"I'm hiding Brendon." Spencer says and his voice is rough. the frail boy is staring at Brendon with those wide blue eyes. "please," he starts "please, don't tell Jon I'm here."


chapter twenty-three: the bi-polar boyfriend

Brendon was staring down at the younger boy, trying to figure out of all the places in the world to hide from Jon, Spencer chose his shed. "I won't tell him Spencer." Brendon says because never would he do that, he would never send Spencer back to Jon on purpose.

"just...why are you hiding in my shed?" the older boy asks, he's curious because he knows that if he were hiding from Jon he wouldn't just go one yard away. Spencer looks away from Brendon, the younger boy's knees are pulled up to his chest and he has his arms wrapped around them, his head resting on his arms.

"can I...can I just go in your house? please?" Spencer asks, his voice is weak and wary as if he is afraid that Brendon will say no.

"yeah, sure Spencer." he tells him and Spencer starts to stand, makes a face like it hurts him to do so. the younger boy is about to step out of the shed before Brendon raises a hand and stops him, remembers Jon being outside.

"hold on, just let me check something okay?" he says and his voice is soft and careful, like Spencer is a small animal that's easily skiddish. Spencer nods and hangs back inside the shed as Brendon moves towards the wooden fence that seperates his and Spencer's yards. he comes to stand against the rough, dilapitated fence, his hands resting on the pointed spiked tops.

Brendon raises up on his toes and peers over the fence, checking for Jon. he doesn't see the older boy in the backyard and from here he gets a pretty good view of the driveway, he doesn't see Jon there either. Brendon figures it's safe to take Spencer inside and he turns back to the shed and motions for the other boy to follow him to the house.

he leads Spencer carefully back to the house, Brendon's hand touching Spencer's elbow as if the action were protecting him. the duo go inside and Ryan peers briefly into the kitchen, he spots Spencer and his brown eyes warm instantly. Ryan waves at Spencer, a smile on his face. Brendon is surprised that Ryan remembers Spencer, the two must've made a strong connection.

Spencer forces a smile back at Ryan and gives him a little wave. Ryan pads his way back into the living room leaving Spencer and Brendon alone in the kitchen. Brendon is feeling a little paranoid, like maybe Jon will suddenly pop up and pummel him for harboring Spencer in his kitchen. he offer's Spencer a seat at the kitchen table and the boy drops down into it.

"Spencer...what happened?" Brendon asks as he follows suit and sits in one of the rounded wooden chairs. Spencer sighs sadly and looks down at his folded hands.

"I don't know....yesterday morning...Jon got upset...I can't even remember what is was over, but he got so mad. I was in our bedroom and he just comes bursting in the room and he grabs my arm. I didn't even know why he was mad, I tried to ask him but he screamed at me to shut up..." Spencer looks like he said too much, like he's afraid of what will happen now that he's admitted to what happens to him.

"it's okay Spencer, you don't have to tell me." Brendon tells him, reaching out and patted the other boy's hand, if it's too much for Spencer he doesn't need to know, he can imagine what happened just fine. Spencer shakes his head, his hair covering his eyes.

"he had my arm so tight..I was afraid he was gonna break it...I tried to ask him again why he was mad but this time he pulled back and punched me in the face." Spencer says and Brendon's eyes flicker over the deep purple bruise on Spencer's jaw. "I fell but he still had my arm so...it almost dislocated or something." Spencer brushes his fingers over his right arm.

"he pulled me back up after that and hit me more, he didn't even say anything...he was just so angry...his eyes were so dark...I thought this time he'd kill me...I was so afraid...he stopped though eventually. he was just staring at me and then he left...I don't know where he went...while he was gone I checked my face and I was bleeding...I thought that this time I had gotten lucky, that someone had spared me, but next time I didn't think I'd be so lucky."

"so you left?" Brendon asks and Spencer nods.

"I didn't even take anything, I just left the house before Jon came back. the only problem was that I didn't have anywhere to go." the younger boy says and again he is looking at his hands.

"Jon talked to me you know." Brendon tells Spencer, the younger boy's face drops. "when I went outside just before I found you, he saw me and asked me if I knew where you were. I told him I hadn't seen you and he said something about you going to your mother's."

Spencer shakes his head again. "that's why I didn't go there...I knew he'd think I had...and my mother, well she already doesn't approve of Jon and I." Spencer tells Brendon and he sounds so sad and so without hope that it makes Brendon sad.

"my parents and my sisters don't talk to me anymore...I have no other family around...I had no where to go so I saw your place but I didn't know how you'd react so I-I went to your shed and it was open so I just went inside." Spencer says with a little shrug and even that move seems to make him flinch.

"wait," Brendon begins. "you've been in my shed for a day and a half?" Spencer nods and Brendon is floored, he can hardly imagine Spencer being holed up in his shed sleeping in there, being hungry and unable to leave out of fear, out of nowhere to go.

"I probably would've still been in there if you hadn't found me." Spencer says. there is a silence between the two boys, Spencer's gaze is focusing on the table and Brendon scratches at his neck absentmindedly.

"Spencer, you can stay here for awhile if you want" Brendon feels like there's no other option, Spencer needs help and no one but Brendon can give it to him. the younger boy looks up at Brendon, by now the older boy is thinking that Spencer isn't used to kindness, he's too used to harshness, to someone being rough and hurting him. Brendon thinks that Spencer isn't used to someone being nice.

"are you sure Brendon? I-what if Jon finds out...what if you get hurt too?" Spencer's asking and he runs his fingers through his brown bangs, pushing them out of his line of vision. Brendon folds his arms and nods.

"I'm not worried." Brendon was lying but it didn't matter, he wanted to comfort Spencer and letting him know that he was secretly afraid of being murdered by Jon Walker was not going to comfort the boy.

"thank you Brendon." Spencer is actually smiling and Brendon smiles and stands, motioning for Spencer to follow him to living room.

"I only have the two bedrooms, mine and Ryan's so..you'll have to sleep on the couch." Brendon tells Spencer as he motions around the shabby living room. he neglects to tell Spencer that the couch has been through a lot of explicit activities.

Spencer sits on the couch, looking out of place and slightly awkward. Brendon sits with him because he has nothing else to do and he wants Spencer to feel safe in the house, he doesn't want the boy to worry.

"you know Jon wasn't always like that." Spencer says after a moment and Brendon nods, he remembers the boy saying something like that before, the night where Brendon got locked in Spencer's bedroom.

"so you've said" Brendon replies.

"it's true though, when I met Jon...he was nothing like he is now" Spencer's face takes on a far away look, like he's remembering the past, the way he and Jon used to be.

"how'd you two meet?" Brendon questions. he really is curious to know more about Spencer and Jon. he wants to know who or what made Jon change so drastically. Spencer lifts his big blue eyes to meet Brendon's face.

"I was a senior in high school and Jon was in college, we met through a friend of mine." spencer tells Brendon.

"Spencer, I want you to meet someone." Spencer turns at his friend jason's voice.

"who?" Spencer asks flicking his head, his dark hair falling into his light eyes.

"this guy from my photography class." jason is saying and he's grabbing Spencer by the arm and tugging him towards the other side of the crowded house party. they moved near the staircase where Spencer saw a boy and two girls standing. the girls were laughing at whatever the boy was saying and he was smiling, Spencer wanted the boy to smile at him like that.

"Jon, hey, Jon." jason was saying and the boy lifted his dark eyes to jason and he glanced over at Spencer.

"jay, what up?" the boy named Jon said as jason and Spencer came to stop in front of him.

“I wanted to introduce you to someone. Jon this is Spencer, the guy I was telling you about.” jason replies as he tugs Spencer forward as if the younger boy were suddenly shy. “Spencer, this is my friend, Jon Walker.”

Jon grinned a lazy kind of grin and offered Spencer his hand, Spencer didn’t hesitate to accept it. he smiled back at Jon, smitten with the older boy from the get-go.

“nice to meet you Jon.” Spencer said softly, smiling what he hoped was a charming smile. with his free hand he brushed his long bangs out of his left eye.

“you have a really nice smile.” Jon told him and Spencer blushed a twinge of pink but kept his composure. he thought Jon was pretty hot, nice smile, warm eyes, strong body. yeah, he was perfect.

back in those days Jon was happy and carefree, it’s hard for Spencer to even imagine him that way now. the older boy smiled a lot and was really affection, willing to make out with Spencer in public, no matter who was watching. Spencer can remember times when all the duo would do was stay up all night and talk, talk about anything that crossed their minds.

Jon told him secrets, like what he wanted to do with his life and what he was afraid of. Spencer told Jon everything, nothing was hidden between the two. Spencer thought Jon was perfect, smart and funny and caring, he didn’t know how he had managed to get so damn lucky.

after Spencer graduated from high school Jon asked him to move into his small place next door to Brendon’s place, of course at the time Brendon didn’t live there and the house was for sale. it was again like a dream for Spencer. he felt like he was married, he cooked for Jon and cleaned the house and the two of them acted like a married couple, it was what Spencer wanted.

the perfection lasted half a year, after that was when Jon began to change. first he couldn’t find a job anywhere, at least not a photography job and the decent job he did have at starbucks, well, it just so happened that he had lost his job that day. Jon’s parents had also stopped giving the boy money, mostly because they found out that he was gay, that meant that Jon had to drop out of college.

Jon’s life was growing worse everyday but Spencer was still there. Spencer wanted to think that their relationship was the only thing that kept Jon going, was the only thing that brought the older boy happiness anymore. he also noticed that alcohol seemed to be making Jon happy lately too.

Spencer had to watch as his boyfriend changed. he wouldn’t kiss Spencer in public anymore, wouldn’t even hold his hand. Jon stopped smiling as much, he seemed to be coming to a realiziation that his life was sucking, and he was beginning to blame it on Spencer.

one day he came home after a long day of looking for a job, his beloved car was on it’s last leg and Jon feared that soon it would break down all together and they definitly had no money to fix it. he trudged into the house and Spencer was there smiling at him, like everything was fine, like they weren’t falling apart.

“any luck today Jon?” Spencer asked as he set the table for their dinner. Jon shook his head.

“no, not today.” he said wearily as he kicked off his shoes and passed the table and his boyfriend all together, going to the fridge for a beer instead. Spencer looked slightly offended that he didn’t get his usual welcome home kiss but he shrugged it off.

“well, tomorrow is another day.” he said and Jon nodded even though he had a feeling that tomorrow would be exactly the same. he again passed by Spencer without a touch of any kind and went to the couch, plopping down and turning on the tv.

“I think we’re getting new neighbors.” Spencer said, trying his best to start a conversation with his boyfriend.

“really? how do you know that?” Jon asked, only half listening and not very interested.

“well, I saw these two guys, probably my age...maybe a little older, checking the place out and I saw them write what looked like a check or something. a black haired boy and a brown haired boy.” Spencer recalled and Jon still doesn’t really care about the possible new neighbors.

before much else can be said the phone starts to ring, Spencer moves to the phone that’s sitting in it’s cradle and checks the number. “Jon, it’s your dad!” Spencer said and Jon looked up somewhat scared and surprised.

“let the machine get it.” he commands and Spencer nods and waits for the machine to pick up.

“ahem, jonathan, it’s your father. listen, I just wanted to tell you that your brother bill is getting married...but...but he doesn’t want you to come so please, don’t show up...he just thought you should know...well, don’t call back..it would upset your mother.”

Jon was floored, he couldn’t believe what his father had said. his family didn’t want him at the wedding? he couldn’t call back because his own mother would be upset to hear from him? all because he was gay?

Spencer bit his lip and erased the message before he moved to sit beside Jon on the couch. “don’t listen to him Jon...they’ll come around eventually...they’ll accept us eventually.” Spencer leans himself on to Jon, resting his head on his boyfriend’s shoulder.

at the moment Jon didn’t want to hear Spencer, see him, feel him, nothing. after all, it was all Spencer’s fault that this was happening. if Jon had never asked him to move in, if he hadn’t been blinded by love and believed that his parents would actually accept their son being gay...he’d still have his family.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Jon said and he pushed Spencer, he didn’t mean to do it so hard but the boy fell back and hit the back of the sofa. Spencer looked shocked but he shook it off.

“I’m sorry Jon, I just thought you needed some cheering up.” Spencer said as he rubbed the spot on his back where he had hit the couch. Jon sighed and stood up, he knew that Spencer meant well, but really the boy was just being irritating right now.

“I’m gonna go lay down.” Jon said but Spencer jumped up too.

“want me to keep you company?” Spencer is wrapping himself around Jon’s back and Jon finds himself gritting his teeth. it feels like a culmination of every shitty moment of the last year winds itself around Jon and worms it way inside of him, he doesn’t remember bucking Spencer off of him and he certainly doesn’t remember whirling around and punching Spencer in the face but it happens.

Spencer falls on his ass on the living room floor, clutching the spot where Jon hit him, looking up at his boyfriend stunned. Jon seems to relax after that and he realizes just what he did.

“oh, god Spencer, I’m sorry!” he said and he dropped to his knees and pulled his boyfriend to him. he tried to ignore the fact that Spencer flinched when Jon touched him. “Spencer, I didn’t mean to hit you...I-I’ve just been so stressed out...and my dad...and bill...god, I’m sorry you know that right?”

Jon’s sputtering words out and Spencer is still shocked but he finds himself tearing up because Jon has never been violent with him, ever and now so suddenly, it was terrifying.

“Spencer, I love you...I don’t want to hurt you...you’re the best thing in my life...I love you spence.” Jon says and he is looking down at Spencer and Spencer still believes him and accepts his apology.

Jon spends the next few nights apologizing and trying not to think of how much better he felt when he hit Spencer. he wants to believe that it will never happen again.

it does happen again though and the next time Jon is less sorry, it keeps happening and Spencer threathens to leave and Jon beats the shit out of him. one night as he’s getting beat by Jon Spencer asks why and Jon just replies “because I hate my life.”

from that day on when things went poorly for Jon he took it out on Spencer, he beat Spencer because his own life had beaten him. Spencer didn’t think it was fair and it took him two long years to get out.

Spencer finishes telling Brendon about his and Jon’s past and Brendon is so sad for Spencer. the kid was so alone for so long, unable to get help and now he had it. Brendon would have to do all he could to make sure that Spencer never fell into Jon’s hands again.

“you know what’s crazy Brendon?” Spencer is asking and he’s looking out the little window in the living room, Brendon looks too and notices that through the curtains he can barely make out Spencer’s house.

“even though Jon is so awful to me, even after all the things he’s done...a part of me still loves him...still cares about him and it scares me...” Spencer says and he’s crying but Brendon doesn’t laugh, doesn’t call him out on it, just let’s the boy do it because he needs to, he needs to cry to get better.

back at Spencer’s house Jon Walker is sitting in the bedroom he once shared with Spencer. he’s holding a picture of the two of them, back when they were happy, back before Jon changed. the older boy sighs deeply and sets the picture down.

“I’m sorry Spencer, please...come home...”



chapter Twenty four: three's company, four's a crowd

so it came to be that Spencer started living with Brendon, kind of like how Ryan started living with Brendon after his father died. the older boy thought it was good for Spencer, good for both of them really. Spencer could live day to day and not worry about getting his ass kicked if someone was in a foul mood and Brendon could actually leave the house and not have to worry about Ryan, because Spencer was more than happy to care for him.

Jon was still looking for Spencer a week after he unoffically moved in with Brendon. Brendon would see him when he was leaving, the older boy would be sitting on the porch or out in the driveway, seemingly waiting for Spencer's return. he'd spot Brendon but rarely said anything, except for the occasional hopeful look in his dark eyes when he'd see Brendon, like maybe Brendon had information that he didn't. little did he know that Brendon did have that information.

the boy didn't feel bad for Jon, he figures the older boy had it coming. Spencer was a good person for the most part, whose only flaw seemed to be that he had stayed with Jon for such a long time. Brendon didn't think he had much room to talk though considering he'd stayed with Pete for such a long time himself. if Brendon was feeling any sort of sympathy for Jon it would all fade away when he remembered seeing the black and purple bruises that decorated Spencer's body.

Brendon was also spending more time with Nate. now that the porno secret was out in the open their relationship was stronger than ever. the boy still felt that sense of perfection when he was with Nate, it didn't matter that Nate had sex and got paid for it. the only foreseeable problem was that Brendon had neglected to tell Nate about his many vice's, how he was tangled in so many drugs that he was sure he needed them to survive. Brendon didn't know how Nate felt about drugs, he thinks he should ask but maybe he's afraid to find the anwser.

Brendon was currently at Nate's apartment, laying in bed with his boyfriend, attempting to catch his breath after a paticularly hot session of sex. "Brendon?" Nate says when Brendon is mere moments from falling asleep.

"hmm?" the younger boy mumbles back. Nate smiles at his boyfriend and turns into his body and presses hot kisses to Brendon's neck. Brendon stretches and cracks open his brown eyes.

"I was thinking." Nate whispers, his breath ghosting over Brendon's skin. "what if you came to work with me one of these days?" Nate asks and he's propped himself up on his elbow and he's looking over at Brendon, prepared to gauge the boy's reaction.

"go to work with you?...like watch you fuck?" Brendon asks, he wasn't expecting this from Nate. sure he's told his boyfriend numerous times that he likes the videos, that he is turned on by Nate's profession but could he handle seeing it first hand?

"yeah." Nate starts and he's sliding closer to Brendon and rolls himself so that he's straddling his younger boyfriend. "the actors do it all the time." Nate tells him and his hands are drawing invisible figures on Brendon's chest as the younger boy looks up at him uncertain. "besides" Nate starts and he drops his face close to Brendon's kissing the corner of his mouth. "it will help me. if I know your there, watching me...god, I'll be hard for hours." Nate is whispering and Brendon's getting hard just from Nate talking about it.

"okay, yeah, I'll go with you Nate." Brendon says, his hands slipping around Nate's waist as he rocks his now hard cock against his boyfriends leg.
*********
the duo decided that Brendon will go with Nate to his next video project, which happens to start the next day. Brendon's back at home and he's willing himself to remember that it's actually a good idea.

"so, your boyfriend is a pornstar?" Spencer asks from his position on the couch.

"yeah," Brendon anwsers, he dips his head out of the bathroom to peek at Spencer. "didn't I tell you that?" he asks and Spencer shakes his head before he looks over at Ryan who is on his stomach on the wooden floor, playing with the game that Nate bought him.

"does it bother you?" Brendon says and again Spencer shakes his head.

"as long as your fine with it than I am too." Spencer tells him and Ryan looks back for a moment at Spencer before he goes back to his game. Brendon is smiling, he's rather enjoyed having Spencer around these last two weeks. it reminds him of times back when Ryan was normal and how the two of them talked about whatever was going on in their lives.

Brendon never realized how much he missed having someone to talk to.

a noise emits from the game that Ryan is playing and he sits up and he's grinning, a look of pure excitment on his face. "Bren-Brendon! I-do-I-do-good" he exclaimed and Brendon came out of the bathroom to see what Ryan was talking about.

the older boy was holding the game in his hand and Brendon could only assume he meant that he had done something good on the game. "good job Ryan." Brendon says as he stops by the boy and ruffles his now shaggy brown hair. Ryan beams up at Brendon and moves forward to hug the younger boy's leg.

Spencer watches this transpire and he looks up at Brendon. "I-I was meaning to ask...I mean if you don't mind, uh-what happened to Ryan?" Ryan looks at Spencer at the sound of his own name and Spencer smiles at him before he looks back up at Brendon.

Brendon's face falls, his hand is still playing with Ryan's bangs. "he got involved in some heavy drug shit a few years back...it fucked up his mind." Brendon tells Spencer and the other boy's face falls too.

"does he see doctor's or anything?" Spencer is asking and Brendon shakes his head.

"can't really afford doctor's plus, they can't do anything to help him."

"don't be so sure Brendon, I mean some mentally challenged people live almost normal lives nowadays. I think I dunno, I think Ryan has the potential to get better."

"Spencer, look...I don't mean to be rude but I was with the doctors when they told me that Ryan would never be the same person. he can't be normal...all he can be is...this." Brendon says lowly, he gestures at Ryan but the boy is looking at Spencer, his long fingers still twisted into Brendon's pant leg.

"I'm not so sure about that Brendon, I mean I don't mean to impose but I've been trying to teach Ryan a few things here and there. just little stuff like teaching him to say words and do simple things for himself." Spencer tells Brendon and he's looking at Ryan like he's proud of him.

Brendon looks down at Ryan, the older boy is looking at his game, playing it with one hand. Brendon thinks about what Spencer's said. is it possible that he is babying the boy? that he doesn't have expectations for Ryan? that he doesn't try to help him get better because he doesn't believe it can happen. what if all this time Ryan could improve? what if all along all Brendon had to do was take the time to teach him.

the dark haired boy shakes his head, he won't allow himself to get his hopes up. even if Ryan does get better, it's not like he'll ever be the Ryan Ross that Brendon knew. that Ryan is long gone by now, Brendon can never have him back. maybe, Spencer has faith because he didn't actually know Ryan, maybe all he wants is to make the boy a functioning member of society again, and to hell if he actually resembles the old Ryan.

Brendon doesn't like that idea.

"work with him if you like but he'll never be better." Brendon mumbles, he removes Ryan's hand from his leg before he goes back into the bathroom. he doesn't need a guilt trip from Spencer about whether or not he's been properly caring for Ryan.
*****************************************************************************
Nate comes to pick Brendon up the next day to take him to the porn set. it's pretty early, too early in Brendon's opinion but he figures he can sleep in the car on the way there. Spencer and Ryan are still sleeping when Brendon leaves but he told the younger boy before hand that he'd be gone for the day.

"hey, beautiful." Nate says, he smiles at Brendon as the boy climbs into the passenger seat in the car. Brendon gives a weak smile and a silent wave before he closes the door and rest's back against the headrest, attempting to sleep.

Nate doesn't seem tired at all and Brendon doesn't think that's fair. he can smell coffee and toothpaste and the distinct scent of Nate, Brendon finds this all very comforting. "I can see your not a morning person." Nate laughs.

"shh, sleeping." is Brendon's reply.

"alright, sleeping beauty, I'll wake you when we get there." Nate whispers and Brendon smiles and nods and curls himself into the black leather seats.

it's about an hour later when Brendon is shook awake. he opens his eyes and see's that the two of them have arrived at their destination. Brendon isn't expecting the building to be so plain. it's a large brown brick building, set off by itself at the end of a backroad. there is a black sign hanging above the building's glass doors that says 'cobra industries.'

overall Brendon is not impressed with the building, he won't admit it to anyone but he was expecting a porn company to be a bit more flashy. maybe a bright pink building with a dirtier name, and perhaps some spinning dildos somewhere on the sign...okay, maybe expecting spinning dildo's was a little much.

"you alright?" Nate is asking. Brendon nods and Nate moves and takes his hand, lacing their fingers together as they walk towards the building. "yeah.." Brendon is mumbling and Nate thinks he hears something about spinning dildo's but he puts it off as a trick of the wind or something and holds the door to the building open for Brendon.

the inside of the building is the receptionist office. a multicolored carpet stretches along the floors, a few black seats are pressed up against the tan wall to the right of the door, the chair's are directly across from a brown wooden receptionist desk. there is a pretty young woman behind the desk, her dark hair is up in a cross between a ponytail and a bun, she looks up at Nate, her fingers running over a black headset she is wearing.

"oh, Nate! good morning!" the girl practicaly cooes, Nate flashes her a smile.

"morning, jenny." he replies, she's still smiling when her gaze flickers over to Brendon.

"who's this?" she asking and if Brendon's not mistaken she's batting her eyelashes at him.

"this-" Nate starts, he looks over at Brendon with nothing short of adoration in his eyes. "is my boyfriend Brendon." he copies jenny's cooing and Brendon rolls his eyes and grins.

"oh! so, this is the infamous Brendon! Nate's, told me so much about you!" the girl tells Brendon, she's grinning and looking between the two boys.

"he has?" that surprises Brendon, he never imagined that Nate had been talking about him at work. jenny nods and Nate looks slightly embaressed. "aww baby!" Brendon joins in on the cooing and he moves over and kisses Nate on the cheek.

Nate laughs and pulls Brendon in close, squishing their bodies together. "anyway, the new project starts today doesn't it?" Nate asks jenny. the girl nods and her eyes flicker over Brendon once again.

"yeah, but you're gonna let..I mean." Nate raises a hand and stops her.

"yeah, Brendon's cool with it." Nate says and jenny nods, Brendon thinks that the girl must be used to this kind of thing by now. "well, I'm gonna go on set so I'll see you later." Nate tells the girl. she nods and waves just as the phone on her desk rings.

Nate still has Brendon pressed close to him and it makes it hard to walk, Brendon going sideways with Nate's arm around his neck. Nate leads his boyfriend back through the receptionist office and through two wooden doors. beyond the doors was a huge room, almost like the size of a warehouse.

the floor in front of Brendon and Nate is grey, dusty cement. inside the room are people scattered around, Brendon can see men standing around camera equipment, and racks of clothing near the far wall. to the right near the corner is a bedroom set, fake carpeted floor, bed, and three fake walls. the damn thing almost looked like a real room.

Brendon thinks he see's different sets around the room, but he's being pulled forward by Nate, over to a man sitting in a director's chair. Nate taps the man on the shoulder and the thin presumable director turns to look at the two boys.

"ah, Nate! my star has arrived!" the man says as he jumps from his sit and claps Nate on his shoulder. Nate doesn't get a chance to say anything before the man is speaking again. "we can finally begin, this epic creation!"

Brendon tries really hard not to give the man a look that's equal to an are-you-out-of-your-fucking-mind? he thinks he succeeds. the director is tall and thin, with gray hair and a stereotypical porno mustache that was oddly enough, not gray. he's wearing a brown jacket and a sweater and Brendon thinks that the man is doing a terrible impression of steven spielberge.

"aaand you've brought someone with you." he adds in a disappointed tone as he finally notices Brendon huddled against Nate.

"it's my boyfriend, sam. his name is Brendon." Nate says very matter of factly to the director, whose name is apparently sam.

sam's eyebrows shoot up and he looks at the two of them in surprise. "so, you've finally found someone special enough to bring to set." sam states and he looks happy. Brendon looks up at Nate in surprise. the boy had just assumed that Nate invited all his boyfriends to the porn set, that it was something like an initiation. he never imagined that he'd be the first, and that thought makes Brendon's heart swell.

"yeah, he's special alright." Nate says softly and he leans down and brushes his lips against Brendon's, soft and gentle. Brendon's fingers tangle into Nate's t-shirt and he can feel a heavy make out session coming on, maybe sam is used to that kind of thing because he has his hand on Nate's shoulder and is breaking them apart.

"we need to start filming so go to wardrobe and pick up your script." sam tells Nate and if Nate's anything he's a professional so he nods and breaks away from Brendon, he's still holding the boy's hand and he leads him away from sam and back to the racks of clothing.

they're quiet, Brendon's too busy taking in everything around him to say much to his boyfriend. he feels slightly starstruck, like he's with someone important, Brendon likes that feeling. the younger boy is happy to watch Nate as he is fitted for his costume, something that looks like a prince outfit, complete with white tights and light purple pantaloons.

"you're enjoying this too much." Nate says as he watches Brendon watching him.

"how can I not enjoy this when the movie is called cinderfella?" Brendon laughs, his fingers covering his mouth. Nate smiles and shakes his head and holds up his yellow colored script.

"cinderfella, I prince charmington have taken you to the ball, don't you think I deserve a little reward?" Nate reads his line, his hand to his chest like he's some dramatic shakesperian actor. he looks up at Brendon and waggles his eyebrows, Brendon giggles again.

"have I told you that you're an amazing actor Nate?" the younger boy teases, Nate shrugs.

"I look hot though right?" he questions, Brendon eyes his boyfriend and actually Nate does look incredibly hot in his prince outfit.

"totally, think we can borrow the outfit?"

about an half hour later Nate is being filmed and Brendon's seated in a metal folding chair, next to sam, watching Nate. he's watching his boyfriend get a blowjob. Nate's hands are tangled in the young actor who is playing cinderfella's bleach blonde hair. Nate's pantaloons are around his ankles and he's thrusting up into the boy's mouth, forcing him to take it all down.

if Brendon thought that watching the dvd was hot, seeing it in person was enough to give him an instant boner. Brendon was hard as a rock while watching Nate. he watched as his boyfriends jaw was clenched tight and he could hear him, hear Nate moaning and grunting and it almost sounds real, almost. except that Brendon thinks he's overexaggerating it for the movie.

either way Brendon is desperate for filming to end so he can go and get his brains fucked out by Nate, possibly while he's still wearing the costume.


chapter twenty five: the proposition

Brendon goes back to the set the next day with Nate. the boy has three scenes to do in the morning and one after lunch. Brendon honestly doesn't know how his boyfriend does it, he's watched the first two scenes and he feels like he can't possibly watch the next one without jacking off first.

Nate comes over before the third scene starts. he's kinda sweaty and sam is yelling for the make up person to come back and fix him up. "hey, baby how you doing?" Brendon asks as Nate leans down and kisses him, he taste's like sweat and peppermint.

"eh, kinda tired...and the next scene is with a girl...I don't know if I can get hard again." Nate anwsers, he looks embaressed that has to admit that problem but Brendon isn't even sure he'd be able to go twice, let alone three times.

"well, there is lunch first so, you get a break than and by then you should be ready." Brendon assures his boyfriend and Nate smiles warmly. the make up lady comes over to them and hand's Nate a robe, he puts it on and sits down next to Brendon.

they hold hands while waiting for lunch.

lunch time rolls by and it's time for Nate's next scene. Brendon watches him as they tell him to get ready, he looks like he's not at all prepared for the upcoming scene. on the other side of the room Brendon spots an overly tanned, overly blonde, fake boobed girl sitting on the bed and he knows that she's Nate's scene partner.

"Brendon." the boy hears Nate say his name and he turns his attention back to him.

"yeah?"

"I..well, I uh, need your help." Nate's looking down at the floor and Brendon doesn't really know why.

"sure, but what can I do?"

"just, come with me." he says and he wraps his hand lightly around Brendon's wrist and tugs him up out of his seat and towards one of the back rooms.

as soon as the door to the small room Nate pulls them into close, Nate has Brendon pushed against the wall. they're kissing frantic and rough. Brendon's arms are pressed above his head, Nate's hands holding his wrist's tightly. their hips are pressed together and Brendon can easily feel Nate's hard cock through the cotton robe he's wearing.

Nate's placing kisses down Brendon's neck and his hands fall to the waist of the younger boy's jeans. Nate's hands are inside Brendon's pant's before the boy can say anything. Brendon knows there is no way he can last long at all, not after he watched Nate fucking other guys all morning.

Nate's tugging on Brendon's cock, his forehead on Brendon's shoulder. "Nate...you know I can't....I won't..."

"shh...I know Brendon, I just need this." he says, his hot breath washing over Brendon's neck. the younger boy is way too hot in his clothes and he's tempted to strip down but he knows they don't have long and he won't last much longer, so, he just pushes himself up into Nate's hand.

"I want you to come for me Brendon, I want you to call out my name." he almost commands. Brendon moans loud into the air, not caring if anyone in the other room hears him. "please, Brendon, please." Nate's whispering, his voice holding just a hint of desperation. the begging is what pushes Brendon over the edge. he comes, hard, spilling over Nate's fingers.

Brendon slumps against the wall, Nate leaning against him being the only thing holding him up. he breathes slow and shallow but he reaches for Nate's cock all the same. Nate pulls away and shakes his head. "I need to stay hard Bren." Nate says even though his breathing is labored and he is obviously turned on.

Nate helps tuck Brendon back into his jeans and does up the button. Nate kisses Brendon and the younger boy tries hard not to brush against his boyfriend, he doesn't want to torture Nate, he knows the older boy needs to stay hard for his next scene.

they exit the small room and Brendon knows that he looks like he just got fucked. it seems that all eyes fall on the two of them, the make-up team rushes to Nate and Brendon is ushered back to his seat. sam has a sly grin on his face as he looks at Brendon, the boy is thinking that maybe he was louder than he thought he was.

Brendon blushes but not a lot, he doesn't think random sex with his boyfriend on a porn set is bad at all. the last scene is filmed and Brendon watches, he finds that watching Nate fuck a girl is a hell of a lot less enjoyable than watching him screw the boys. maybe it's because the girl is obviously faking it, crying out too loud, tossing her hair back, none of it feels very real.

Brendon is no porn expert but he thinks that the girl might be new to the business. she messes up a lot and they have to reshoot a lot of the scenes. Nate currently has his face burried in the blonde's crotch and ew, Brendon is definitly not going to let Nate kiss him until after he throughly brushes his teeth.

if Brendon wasn't so sure he'd think that the girl was messing up on purpose, so she could have Nate all over her for longer. eventually though they got through the scenes and Nate was done for the day. he cleaned up and dressed and came over to Brendon.

Nate took Brendon's hand and pulled the younger boy up out of the chair. they held hands as they moved towards the door, they were almost out when sam called to them.

"Nate! Brendon!" he says and Nate stops and turns back, his arm slung around Brendon's shoulders. sam is striding towards them.

"I'm glad I caught you two." sam says, his hand on his hip and a grin on his face.

"uh, what's up sam?" Nate replies, the older boy isn't sure why his boss is stopping him but he hopes it doesn't have to do with what he and Brendon did in the back room earlier.

"well" sam starts and he's eyeing Brendon and he's got that strange look in his eyes, the same look he has when he's thought of a really great idea. "you and Brendon were in the backroom today and-"

sam is cut off by Nate. "the others do shit like that all the time sam! in fact there were three of them in there the other day!" Nate is shouting and it's the first time Brendon's ever really heard him do that. sam just shakes his head and raises a hand to stop Nate from talking.

"no, that's not it. I wasn't going to say anythiong but...well, someone brought me the tape of you two going at it and-" this time sam is cut off by Brendon.

"you saw us?" he asks, his voice going high pitched and his eyes wide.

"yeah, sorry, but I wanted to say that it was extreamly hot. you two got real good chemistry...real good...so, I was thinking that maybe you two would like to do a little movie for me?" sam asks and Brendon is floored. did he just get offered to make a porn? with Nate? Brendon's first reaction should be a 'no' but honestly it's not coming. he's seen Nate's bank account, he knows they make a lot of money, and if it was just with Nate? well, it didn't seem all that hard.

"Brendon's not a pornstar sam." Nate says flatly. his arm has left Brendon's shoulders and it's now crossed tight across his chest.

"I'm aware of that Nate but he has potential." sam tells Nate and Brendon's not enjoying that the both of them are acting like he's not there. "the kid's got the looks, he's obviously not shy about his sex life, the audiences would love him...I'm sure of it." sam's eyes are back on Brendon and the older man is looking at him like Nate does sometimes, like Pete used to.

"I can make my own decisions you know?" Brendon says and both men look at him.

"Brendon, you can't be seriously considering this..." Nate mutters, his eyes surprised as he looks at his boyfriend. Brendon gives a little shrug, he doesn't know why Nate would be against it, wouldn't it be just like having sex anyway? it was easy money.

Nate shakes his head but doesn't say anything. "look, Brendon, if you're interested here's my card. give me a call okay?" sam says as he slips a white card from his pocket and hands it over to Brendon. the younger boy takes it and puts it in his jeans pocket.

sam lets them leave after that and it's early evening as Nate drives Brendon home.

"you don't really want to do the movie do you Brendon?" Nate is asking, his eyes flickering from the road to Brendon. Brendon shrugs again, he had been looking out the window but he diverts his attention to his boyfriend instead.

"would it be so bad if I did?" he replies and Nate grimaces.

"but why? I mean it's not like your fantasies...if you do it Brendon, people will be able to see it."

"I get what a porno is Nate."

"sorry, it's just...I don't know...I thought you were above the business." Nate says lowly.

this surprises Brendon, Nate really thinks that he's above doing porn? well, it only shows Brendon that the older boy really doesn't know much about the real Brendon. "Nate, you first met me in a strip club for god's sake!"

"I know, but I also know that it was your first time there and your friends were the regulars."

"well, I mean...would you hate me if I wanted to?" Brendon asks, he looks at Nate with big wide eyes and Nate just can't resist the younger boy. "I'm not young...and I'm not sheltered if that's what you're worried about." Brendon adds and Nate shakes his head.

"sometimes I just want to protect you Bren, or keep you to myself...I'm not quite sure which." Nate grins and Brendon smiles.

"you're sweet but I think I want to do this Nate." Brendon tells him and the car stops at a red light, Nate leaning over to kiss Brendon.

so, Brendon decides that he wants to do the movie with Nate. he calls sam as soon as he gets home, sam laughs and says something a long the lines of 'I knew you'd come around.' Brendon tells Spencer and the younger boy is none too thrilled but he accepts Brendon's decisions.

Brendon sits down and has dinner with Spencer and Ryan because Spencer cooked and the younger boy loves playing house, Brendon thinks the boy just likes having someone who depends on him.

"Spencer, this dinner is great." Brendon says as he shovels in spoonfuls of the meal Spencer perpared. Spencer's face lights up and Brendon wonders when was the last time the boy actually heard kind words? "spence, um, not that I don't enjoy having you here...but aren't you afraid that Jon will find you? I mean you're only a house away..." Brendon trails off, he knows he shouldn't have brought up Jon but it had been weighing on his mind.

Spencer's face went blank and his bright blue eyes went heavy. "well...like I said...I don't really have anywhere else to go...I don't have any money to move out on my own." he was quiet for a moment and Brendon took another bite of his food. "I'm worried about him though...I'm worried about Jon...I've been with him for three years Brendon, I can't just forget about him...I-I don't want to go back but I feel like if I'm here, right here, than I can protect him in a way..make sure he is alright."

Brendon feels like Spencer's words are the most honest things he's ever heard. it breaks his heart a little, how much Spencer still loves Jon, how much he wants to be with him but also how he's afraid of him.

"but don't you want freedom? you can't even leave the house because Jon could see you...don't you want to live a normal life?"

"I do Brendon, but I need time I guess...I don't know, it's hard to just pick up and go...one day I will though."

Brendon nodded and ran a hand through his hair he hoped for Spencer's sake that it was true.



chapter twenty six: don't hate me when you learn the truth

Brendon and Nate began filming their movie two weeks later. in that amount of time Brendon had to come up with a porno name, after much debate he decided on Brenny bare. Nate likes to laugh at Brendon's name but the younger boy thinks it's far better than Nate the great.

the younger boy also picks up a multitude of tips from Nate about how to fuck porno style, because doing it normally isn't good enough. Nate tells him to remember to keep himself in the camera angle, to overexaggerate every sound, every sense of pleasure, that and Brendon had to actually remember the cheesy lines that were written for him.

their movie was called 'the adventures of Nate and Brenny'. Brendon was in the movie and he barely remembers the plot, something about him being a bored male model while Nate was his assistant or something.

Brendon thinks he did a good job in the movie, he moans extra loud as Nate fucks him against a white mirrored vanity set. he tosses his head back and lets loose a string of obscenities when Nate bends him over a table and fucks him senseless. he doesn't even complain when he's giving Nate a blowjob and it's required that he let his boyfriend come on his face.

all in all Brendon feels like it was a good movie. it's strange that once you start it's almost like the camera's aren't even there. he never believed that he could actually forget that there were people watching them, filming them, that any person with twenty bucks or internet access could see them.

after the first movie Brendon is paid and he goes back to living a normal life, porno free. one where he can have sex with Nate and not worry if it's good enough to keep or if he'll have to redo something over and over again.

a few weeks later Brendon gets a call from sam, their director. sam tells Brendon that the movie was selling better than expected and that people were asking about him, important people. this surprises Brendon, he never imagined he'd make much of a splash in the porn industry, he thought it would be a one time thing, something to experiment with and than move on. but now, now sam was talking about doing more movies, movies with Nate and with other people.

Brendon thinks that sam is a persistent bastard but he tells the older man that he'll have to think it over, talk to Nate about it all. that's what he's doing today, Nate's over at his place, the two of them snuggled up on the couch while Spencer was trying to teach Ryan to fold clothes.

Brendon still likes having Spencer around because the younger boy is good at domestic things like cooking and cleaning and washing clothes.

"Nate, baby, I got a call from sam today." Brendon starts, he looks up at Nate from under the boys arms.

"you did?" Nate replies, he sounds half interested and completely surprised.

"yeah, he wanted to tell me that my movie was selling well..."

"well, you are a hottie Bren." Nate says, like it's all the explanation he needs. Brendon smiles and slides his hand around Nate's neck, his fingers brushing the hair at the back of Nate's neck. Nate smiles and leans into the touch.

"he also told me that some big names were after me..." Brendon says softly, he's not sure what Nate's reaction will be. Nate turns and looks at him, surprise written across his handsome face.

"he wants you to do more movies?" Nate asks and he sounds just a tad bit hysterical. Brendon nods.

"he told me that he wants me to do more movies with you...and other people." Brendon wasn't too worried about telling Nate about sam wanting him to do more movies, he was worried about telling Nate that he was wanted to do movies with other people.

could Brendon even do it? fuck or get fucked by strangers? he wasn't sure but the thought was enough to make his dick twitch. he was watching Nate, trying to read his boyfriends expression, trying to figure out what could be going through his head.

"Nate, baby, what do you think?"

Nate gives a little shrug. "what do you think Bren?"

"I think...I think I want to do this." he says and he doesn't miss the look of surprise, or disappointment in Nate's brown eyes but he doesn't care. he does want to do this. "Nate, you know I love you and only you. like you said 'it's just a job' remember?" Brendon says and he slides himself up close to Nate, his hands cupping the older boys cheeks.

"I know Brendon." Nate says but he doesn't sound convinced. Brendon scoots up and rest's his forehead against Nate's, their eyes locking together.

"Nate, it's money...good money and it's easy...there is no way I can pass that up." Brendon whispers, his breath hot against Nate's face. the older boy makes a face and searches Brendon's deep brown eyes.

"you know if it's cash...I can help you with it." Nate says and Brendon shakes his head. he doesn't want someone to pay for him, that's not what he needs, he's young but he's used to taking care of himself.

"mama always said not to rely on anyone else for money." Brendon tells Nate. it's true his mother did say, but she said a lot of other things too, especially in the months leading up to her mental breakdown. despite his mother's saying Brendon was currently relying on someone else's money. his father pays the rent for the dumpy house, out of guilt Brendon figures.

so it comes to be that Brendon starts doing porn movies on a regular basis. he does a lot of them with Nate, those are his favorites. but he also does them with people he's never even met before. his first movie with a stranger is awkward, especially because Brendon is the one getting fucked. Nate's there watching as Brendon performs in his scene. it's all hard and dirty and Brendon doesn't need to pretend to enjoy it because he already is.

it carries on this way for a month. Brendon is raking in a substantial amount of cash and Nate is settling into Brendon being in the same business as him. the only time Brendon really has a problem is when he has to fuck a girl. it's harder for him and it's times like that, that he's glad Nate's there. a quick kiss or stroke from Nate is enough to keep him steady for the scene, plus it's not like Brendon's never fucked a girl before.

today is one of those days. Brendon is working with a girl, the same bleached blonde, fake breasted girl he saw Nate work with all those weeks ago. except today Nate isn't on set, not yet and Brendon can't seem to get himself in the mood. the director is getting frustrated and the girl under him is complaning.

the director takes a break and Brendon pulls off the girl and sits back on his heel's. she sits up and crosses her arms briefly before she bends and fishes on the floor for her robe. Brendon thinks she's going to pull it on but she doesn't her hand fishing in the pink satin pocket. the blonde girl pulls out a small silver case from her robe pocket and she pops it open.

"what are you doing?" Brendon asks, he's still naked. working in porn kinda has that effect on people. the girl's blue eyes flicker up on Brendon and she pulls a frown.

"helping you not to get fired." she says low and just a little pissed sounding. Brendon's confused until she pick's something out of the case and hand's it to Brendon, his hand opening up to recieve her gift. what he finds is a small yellow circular tablet, a smiley face printed on the top. Brendon isn't stupid, he knows what she gave him, ecstasy.

Brendon's barely does ecstasy. he knows it's strange to say considering all the other drugs he's done or is currently doing but he knows it's because Ryan used to do ecstasy. normally he wouldn't let that stop him but the ecstasy was the reason that he and Ryan slept together for the first time.

Brendon doesn't fully trust ecstasty, the last time he took it he had gotten a blow job from Andy's boyfriend in the backseat of Andy's car. but the way the girl is looking at him is suggesting it will work. he swallows hard and glances around before he tip's his head back and swallows down the tablet. the blonde girl grins and he see's that she too is swallowing down a tablet.

it takes about five minute's for the drug to kick in but once it does it isn't like anything Brendon's ever experienced. his entire body feels warm, no, the whole world feels warm and fuzzy and Brendon doesn't have a care in the entire world.

they start the scene again and Brendon feels so much love in the room that it's not hard for him to kiss the girl, or to do anything else to her for that matter. the world passes by in a fuzzy cloud and by the time Nate comes to pick Brendon up the drug is all but worn off and the scene is finished.

Brendon's getting ready to go when he see's a man enter the room. he's tall with light brown skin and dark hair that's cut low to his scalp. tattoo's are covering his thin arms and his neck. Brendon can tell the guy is one of those gangsta type of people, his slightly reminded of Travis and his skin tingles as he thinks of the man who wronged Ryan so many times.

"Shay, come on girl." the man says and his voice is light and kinda rough he sound's young. Shay, the blonde girl that Brendon had been working with turns back to look at the man and wave's him over.

"Tyga, come here, I want you to meet my friends." she says her voice raising as she motion's for him to join them. the boy sighs before he trudges over to where Brendon, Nate, and Shay are standing. the man named Tyga stop's before them and Brendon can see that the boy actually looks young, maybe even younger than Brendon himself.

"Shay, we don't have time for this. we gotta meet Travis in an hour." Tyga says his voice an aggrivated tone. Brendon's eyes widen at the name.

"Travis Mccoy? Brendon rushes out before he can stop himself. Tyga's brown eyes widen a bit.

"yeah, he's my cousin...you know him?" Tyga question's and Brendon shakes his head.

"not well, just met him once." he's trying to sound convincing, he doesn't want Travis to know he's doing porn. Tyga's eyes narrow at Brendon and he knows that kind of look, Tyga is supicious.

"what's your name again?" he questions and Shay open's her mouth to tell him before Brendon cut's her off.

"Brenny! my name is Brenny." he says and he can tell that Tyga is memorizing the name, making sure he remember's so he can ask Travis about him later.

Shay and Tyga leave after that, Tyga pulling the girl along behind him. Brendon and Nate leave too, Nate giving a strange look to his younger boyfriend.

"so? who's Travis?" Nate ask's. Brendon looks over at Nate and frowns.

"what do you mean?" the younger boy ask's, playing dumb.

"come on Bren, you might've been able to fool that Tyga guy but not me...so...who's Travis?" Nate stop's them out in the parking lot, his hand on his boyfriends shoulder. Brendon looks away from Nate and sighs.

"Travis...he was the one who made Ryan what he is today." Brendon says and Nate give's his shoulder a squeeze. "that's not all though...he also...he also raped Ryan." the boy break's off and he's waiting to see what Nate will say, this is just one of the varity of dirty little secrets that Brendon has kept from Nate, if he can't handle this, than there's no way he can handle the other stuff.

Nate doesn't say anything but pulls Brendon in tight and hold's him close.
*****
Brendon keep's doing porn and along with the movie's he's developed a new habit, taking ecstasy. he does it whenever Nate isn't around, or whenever is boyfriend isn't looking. Brendon thinks it's the perfect drug for porn star's because it give's you a feeling, so light and happy and you just want to love everyone on the planet.

it makes doing his scene's a hell of a lot easier.

today Brendon is doing a scene with a dark haired boy named Frank iero. Brendon thinks Frank is pretty hot with his jet black hair that fall's heavy in his dark eye's, his pale skin that's decorated with a variety of tattoo's. Brendon is sure he could do the scene without ecstasy, he knows he could, but he also like's the feeling that the drug brings him.

he knows Nate isn't around, he's working a shift at the stripclub. Brendon's sure he won't be caught. it's pretty common knowledge that a lot of the porn star's have the drug and are willing to share, all you have to do is ask for it.

lately Brendon has been feeling guilty about his drug habit. not just the ecstasy but all the drugs. he's been doing drugs since he was fourteen that's around six straight year's of drug use. Brendon knows he's an addict, he knows he can't stop, his body crave's it like a normal person might crave chocolate or caffiene. it's for these reason's that the younger boy knows he can't tell Nate about his drug addiction.

he feels like Nate wouldn't tolerate it, like the older boy would leave him the instant he found. that fear alone is enough to make him keep his habit a well gaurded secret.

Brendon and Frank start their scene and the boy tries to make it through without the aid of a drug. Frank has Brendon down on his hands and knee's, his ass up in the air and his head resting on his arms. Brendon can feel Frank's warm wet finger's press inside of him but he doesn't really need it. he presses back and rock's his hips letting a moan slip from his mouth.

Frank decides that Brendon is ready and he presses himself against Brendon, the younger boy can feel Frank's thick cock push up inside him. Brendon moans and pushes himself back, taking Frank in deeper. the older boy rock's in and out and soon they have a steady rythm going.

Frank fuck's rough, his hips snapping against Brendon's ass. he fuck's the younger boy rough and deep. Frank is bent over Brendon, his pale tight chest pressed against Brendon's back.

"ah, Frankie, mmm fuck me, fuck me hard!" Brendon moans out an Frank responds by biting Brendon hard on the shoulder. suddenly the director yells 'cut' and the scene stops. something about lighting or something like that. Frank slides out of Brendon and the younger boy moans in protest, his dick twitching.

Frank pulls out but he stays close to Brendon. he's still draped over Brendon's back, his red mouth pressed close to the boy's ear. "I think I'd like to keep fucking you." Frank says and Brendon laughs, deep and husky.

"I have a boyfriend." Brendon replies as he feels Frank lick the shell of his ear and he shivers. "but there is something you can help me with." the boy whispers.

"oh yeah?" Frank asks "and what would that be?" he asks, his long pale fingers running across Brendon's jaw. he tips Brendon's face and places a brief kiss on the younger boy's lips.

"some E?" Brendon whispers against Frank's lips and he can feel Frank shuddering and he thinks that people are watching them because they haven't quite stopped touching each other after cut was yelled. Frank chuckles husky in Brendon's ear before he reluctantly pulls away from Brendon and goes somewhere that Brendon can't see, he assumes that he's fetching the drug.

Brendon runs his hands over his face in anticipation, he can't wait for the beautiful high, the one that makes the world seem so much better than it is. Frank returns and once again he drapes himself over Brendon, their pale skin sliding together. Brendon turns to face Frank expectant of his drug.

Frank smiles and Brendon watches as the older man takes a small white tablet and presses it firmly on his tongue. Brendon makes a small noise of protest before Frank presses a finger to his lip and he once again is leaned over Brendon's back, his arms around Brendon's neck. Frank kisses Brendon's ear and the boy feels franks finger press against his lips before it breaks through and is in his mouth, the tablet falling onto his tongue.

Brendon sighs in relife and allows Frank to kiss him on the cheek. it takes a few moments but he can feel the drug taking affect. Brendon looks up at the crew, he wants to see if anyone is watching them. his brown eyes scan the people milling around and Brendon spots someone in the corner, leaning against the wall, an angry look on his handsome face.

Brendon's brown eyes widen as he see's Nate is the person leaning against the wall and by the look on his face he knows what Brendon has done, he knows that Brendon took ecstasy. there isn't a drug in the world that can keep the fear from leaking into Brendon's stomach.


chapter twenty seven: temptation

"Nate.." Brendon says and Frank is still kissing the side of his face.

"hmm?" is all franks responds but Brendon isn't thinking about Frank anymore. he's pushing the older boy off of him and scrambling up off the bed, running in all his naked glory to where Nate was standing.

"Nate!" Brendon yells because he's desperate to stop Nate from leaving. he's plotting lies to feed his boyfriend even as he runs to catch up to him. Nate shakes his head and moves towards the stage door, intent on leaving. "wait, Nate!" Brendon yells and Nate does stop, his arms crossed and his back to Brendon.

"please...Nate you don't understand." Brendon starts and Nate whips around.

"don't understand that you're doing drugs?" he says and Nate's angrier then Brendon's ever seen him. his eyes are dark and his mouth is in a tight line. "Brendon! I'm not fucking stupid! I've worked in this business way longer then you have, I know what drugs the actors use." Nate hisses at Brendon and the boy shirks back because he's not use to this Nate, he's used to kind sweet Nate not the one who looks like he might punch him in the face.

these thoughts never crossed Brendon's mind. he had forgotten that Nate was a porn star too, of course Nate fucking knows about the ecstasy.

"Brendon...I never thought that you were that type...I-I thought you were better than that." Nate says, Brendon can feel the disappointment in his boyfriends voice and it stings him, the E is taking effect but it's not the same, Brendon can't feel that warm fuzzy feeling that makes the world seem pure.

"Nate..I'm sorry...don't hate me, please..." Brendon begs because he's scared, he's so fucking scared that Nate will pick up and walk out and never look back. if that happens, well, Brendon isn't sure what he would do. Nate stares at Brendon for a long while and Brendon thinks he almost imagines a smile on his face.

"you realize that you're nude right Bren?" Nate says and his voice is lighter but not by much. Brendon actually hadn't thought about the fact that he was naked and people were walking around him seeing him naked. it didn't matter because all he wanted was to make things okay with Nate.

"I didn't care..I just wanted to get to you." Brendon says and he's not so light hearted but he's glad that Nate's smiling. Brendon wants to use an excuse on Nate, to lie and say that he was just experimenting, he wants to but he can't. a part of him is compelled to tell Nate the truth, to stop all the lying. he feels like he owes it to his boyfriend.

"I-I want to tell you the truth." Brendon starts and Nate's face soften because Brendon is being so insanely honest right now. "it's not the first time I've done drugs." he says and Nate's mouth goes tight again but he doesn't say anything so Brendon continues.

"I've been doing drugs for a long time...since before I met you...I never told you because I was afraid of how you'd react...but now that I know you don't like it..I want to change for you, I want to be a better person...because I love you."

Brendon was hoping that his words weren't brought on purely by the drug in his system. he didn't think they were, the want to tell Nate the truth had always been there but the fear was too strong to allow him to speak the truth, if anything the E just knocked out the fear.

Nate's face is blank and he moves forward slowly towards Brendon. the younger boy is watching Nate cautiously. Nate presses his hand to Brendon's cheek, warm and comforting and Brendon just wants Nate to hold him forever but he thinks that may be the drug talking.

"we'll talk when we get home." Nate says soft and light and Brendon nods and he just hopes that after he tells Nate everything that the boy will still love him as much as he did before.
***
it's later in the night and Brendon's just confessed everything to Nate. he told him about when he started doing drugs at fourteen with Ryan and Brent, about how paint chips made Ryan retarded, about how he started doing harder drugs and all about Pete and his attempted suicide.

Nate sat quietly and listened to Brendon. he asked questions only when Brendon was done talking and Brendon answered everything he could. he had to admit that now he felt better like a weight had been lifted from his chest. Nate still loved him, still wanted to be with him and Brendon was glad.

but it's not like the boy came away unscathed, in order to keep Nate as his boyfriend he had to make the older boy a promise. he promised to never do drugs again. he knew it was an easy promise to make but it would be hard to keep. Nate employed Spencer into helping with this mission, asking the younger boy to keep an eye on Brendon.

Brendon was determined to do this, he'd have to work harder then he ever had but he believed he could get clean. he wanted to for Nate's sake.
***
it's three weeks into Brendon's attempt at staying drug-free. he and Nate are out shopping and Brendon's handling it pretty well. he's been ignoring William's phone call's and he hasn't heard from Gabe in awhile. Spencer knows about his stash in the shed and won't let him get near it.

the worst happened in that first week. Brendon felt like he was dying but at least Nate stayed with him and held his hand through it all. it got easier, it still wasn't easy but at least Brendon wasn't puking or sweating like he had been in the previous weeks.

Nate and Brendon are holding hands and Brendon's head hurts a little but Nate's smiling so he feels better. "Brendon, I want to stop in here." Nate says and Brendon peers up at the large border's bookstore that's sitting infront of them. the store is on a strip of the business district, stores line the sidewalks and everything is in walking distance.

"alright babe." Brendon murmurs and he wonders if maybe he can pick up a book about the best way to stay clean. he and Nate enter the store and it smells like paper but surprisingly Brendon's head starts to feel a bit better. Nate and Brendon's hands are still linked together.

the store is huge with different sections sprawled across the store space. there's a small coffee stand to the right complete with little tables and different foods to eat. Nate is checking out a display of new releases as Brendon scans the wide store.

"excuse me can you help me?" he hears Nate ask.

"yeah, what do you need?" Brendon hears a familar voice reply, he assumes it's a worker that's helping Nate. Brendon looks at the duo and he freezes on the spot because he does know the worker. the baby faced strawberry blonde, blue eyed worker. fuck, it's Patrick.

Brendon can't believe that he forgot that Patrick worked at this paticular borders. he hadn't seen the other boy since the night of the hospital, since the night he found out that Pete had cheated on him.

Nate notices Brendon staring at the man and he looks up confused. "Brendon?" he says lightly. Brendon shakes his head and looks over at Nate.

"I'm fine baby." Nate says and he looks at Patrick. "um..hey, Patrick how are you?" Brendon says wearily, he isn't sure how Patrick will react but he just wants to make things good, or at least not have Patrick hate his guts.

Patrick looks at Brendon and the younger boy can't read his expression, he's never been good at it. Patrick's eyes sweep over Brendon and Nate and Brendon really wants to know what he's thinking.

"hey, Brendon.." is all Patrick replies and now Nate is looking between the two boys like he doesn't understand what's happening and Brendon catches that look and decides to play nice.

"um..Patrick, this is my boyfriend Nate..Nate, this is my friend Patrick." Brendon says as he motions between the boys and yeah, he might be using the term 'friend' a little loosely but Brendon doesn't think 'the boyfriend of the guy I was sleeping with' sounds as nice.

Nate puts his hand out and Patrick takes it, maybe because Patrick is a polite person. "so, you're one of Brendon's friends?" Nate asks and Brendon's eyes widen because he's worried about what Patrick would say. he never told Nate that he was helping Pete cheat on Patrick, he didn't think it would be important but now Patrick could say it, he has every right to say it but still Brendon hopes he doesn't.

"I guess you could say that." Patrick replies and his eyes are sparking with a knowing look. the strawberry blonde boy stares at Brendon and he knows that Patrick knows exactly what Brendon is thinking. suddenly Brendon's cell phone rings loud and clear in the store and he grabs it up quickly. he see's Andy's name flash across the screen and all he hopes is that the boy never found out about the blowjob Matt had given him.

Brendon looks at Nate and Patrick and he releases Nate's hand. "I gotta take this." he says and Nate nods and Brendon slips past the people in the store so he can find a quiet place to talk.

"hello?" Brendon asks as he weaves past an elderly couple and moves to stand next to a solid bookcase out of the way of the shopping people.

"hey, Brendon, it's Andy." Andy doesn't sound infuriated so he thinks that it's a safe bet that he hasn't found out about Brendon and Matt's backseat adventures.

"hey, Andy what's up?" Brendon asks, he eyes the people around him.

"I..I just wanted to tell you that he's back..." Andy says and Brendon is confused.

"what?..whose back?" Brendon asks, but he never hears Andy's anwser because at that moment a person walks out from the back of the store. rounding the corner in his tight jeans and ragged hoodie. black bangs sticking down over his forehead and brown eyes warm and more alive then Brendon's ever remembered seeing them.

"Pete..." Brendon says and it comes out as a whisper as he stares at Pete who too has stopped and is looking in surprise back at him.


chapter twenty eight: the spirit is willing but the body is broken

"yeah...how'd you know?" Andy says and Brendon can't talk to him right now, he can't focus on Andy, not when Pete Wentz is standing right in front of him.

"I..gotta go." is all he says and he closes his phone, not even waiting for the goodbye. Brendon's still staring at Pete and the older boy is doing the same.

he can't believe Pete is here, right infront of him. he didn't know when the older boy had gotten back from rehab but he's so happy to see him. in this moment Brendon realizes that he's missed Pete, missed him more then he ever thought he did. he wants to run to Pete, hug him and kiss him and never let go. but he can't, because of Nate he can't.

"Pete..when did you get back?" Brendon asks and he sounds breathless but he can't help it. this Pete standing before him, this Pete isn't the one who left. this Pete that's standing before him is the one he remembers from all those years ago, from when he was just a kid and met Pete when he too was a kid.

Pete runs a hand through his hair, an act he does when he's nervous. "late last night..." Pete says and he looks unsure of what to do, what to say to Brendon. it's only natural that things are a bit awkward between them, the last time they had seen each other was a little over three months ago. back when Pete promised to always love Brendon but to keep a relationship with Patrick.

"you look great Pete." Brendon says and he's being completely honest because Pete does look great. he smiles that wide smile, the one that show's off his teeth.

"thanks, three months sober will do that to you." he says and he gives a nervous kind of laugh, like he isn't sure he should bring the topic up. Brendon grins a tight grin.

"here's hoping." he says and Pete lifts an eyebrow.

"I'm getting clean too." Brendon states, trying to clear up some of Pete's obvious confusion. Pete smiles, a real genuine smile and Brendon returns it. the older boy rushes at him suddenly and has his arms around him pressing them tightly together in a hug.

"Brendon! that's so great!" Pete is babbling excitedly, he pulls back from Brendon, his hands gripping the younger boy's arms. Brendon wants to lean forward, he wants to kiss Pete, but he doesn't and Pete's hands slip off of him.

"I know, I'm doing it for my boyfriend." Brendon adds and Pete's face goes blank, the word obviously surprises him.

"so you're seeing someone?" he asks and Brendon nods. he's doesn't miss that Pete's voice is lower, Brendon honestly doesn't know what Pete was expecting. a wild thought shoots through his mind, one that makes his heart stop. he wonders if perhaps despite Pete saying that he wanted to give all of himself to Patrick, what if..what if he still wanted Brendon?

"uh..yeah, I am...his name's Nate...he's perfect." Brendon is saying but he's looking into Pete's eyes and a million memories are flashing through him and he wants to do it all again.

"oh.." Pete says and they fall into an awkward silence again. at this point Brendon see's Nate followed by Patrick heading towards them.

"I see you've managed to find Pete." Patrick says as he stops a few steps from Brendon and Pete. Brendon doesn't miss the bitterness in his tone and he knows that it's time to leave. he looks over at Nate and it appears that he's waiting for Brendon to introduce him to Pete.

"um, yeah...oh, Nate, this is Pete, he's an old friend." Brendon starts and Nate smiles and offers his hand. "Pete, this is my boyfriend Nate." the duo exchange pleasantries but Brendon just wants to leave, wants to get away from Pete and Patrick. "are you ready baby? I'm not feeling too great." Brendon says and he takes Nate's hand in his own and give's it a squeeze.

Nate looks up at Brendon and nods. "yeah, I didn't find anything I liked so, lets just go home." Nate anwsers and Brendon nods. he looks at Pete and Patrick.

"good to see you two again." he says and he turns away from his past lover and his lover's boyfriend and leaves with his own boyfriend.

it's late at night and Nate's hands are on Brendon's tighs, his mouth on Brendon's cock. the younger boy moans and allows his hands to tangle into Nate's shaggy hair. he has his eye's closed and he's focusing on the feeling of Nate's mouth on his dick. he wishes he could say that he's actually thinking about his boyfriend but he's not, he's thinking of Pete, wishing it was Pete's mouth on his cock.

Brendon knows it's wrong but he can't stop. he'd been thinking about Pete ever since they had left border's earlier that day. he love's Nate, he really does but he knows that he still has feeling's for Pete. he had them the day he left Pete in the hospital and he wonders if they ever really left.

Brendon comes and it takes everything he has not to call out Pete's name. Nate moves to snuggle up with his boyfriend. he nuzzles Brendon's neck and kisses his cheek. "I love you Brendon." Nate whispers and Brendon feels his heart clench up because he's feeling so guilty.

"I love you too." Brendon replies and he can only take comfort in the fact that he's being honest.
***
Nate has to work the next day so that leaves Brendon at his house nearly alone, nearly because Ryan and Spencer are around but they're in the living room and Spencer is reading simple books to Ryan and trying to teach him more words.

Brendon doesn't have a job anymore, he quit the porn business after he decided to get clean. Nate quit too so he could be supportive of his boyfriend. Brendon kinda wishes he hadn't quit, not because he missed the sex but because he was unbelievably bored now.

he was still craving the drugs but that's not all his body was jonesing for, he wanted Pete too. he didn't quite think it was fair that his body was required to resist two temptations, that of drugs and Pete. Brendon knows he's going to break on one of the accounts, he knows himself too well not to. he doesn't want to break, he wants to be clean and he wants to be faithful but it's too much, he's not that strong, he has to have at least one of the two coveted items.

he tries to hold out but his body hurts, his head and heart hurt and he can hear Ryan repeating Spencer's words from the living room. he's learned to say a few of them without stuttering.

Brendon can't handle being alone anymore and he doesn't want to go and hang with Spencer and Ryan, he feels like maybe he might be hurting Ryan's growth.

he knows his temptation has broken and he need's it, he need's it right now. he grab's up his cell phone and dial's the number he knows all too well. it takes three ring's before he pick's up. the voice Brendon knows so well echoing in his ears.

"it's Brendon...can I come over?" he ask's and the man on the other end says 'yes' so Brendon hangs up and tells Spencer he's going to pick up a few groceries. Spencer doesn't think anything of it, doesn't know where Brendon is really going. where Brendon has to go.


chapter twenty nine: my favorite mistake

Brendon's cell phone rings as the boy is driving to William's house. he anwsers it even though it's a number he doesn't recognise.

"hello?" Brendon ask's his car stopped at a red light.

"Brendon?...it's Pete." the boy's mouth drops open as he hear's Pete's voice.

"hey-hey, Pete...what's up?" Brendon can't fathom why Pete is calling him, why his voice sounds so deep.

"are you busy Brendon?" is all Pete replies and Brendon isn't sure what to say. he can't very well tell Pete where he is going.

"no...I'm not doing anything...this isn't your phone number Pete...where are you?" Brendon's brain is clicking with different anwsers, he hopes Pete didn't go anywhere to get drugs, he hopes Pete's still clean.

"oh, yeah..Patrick made me get a new cell...incase you tried to call me." Pete admits and Brendon sighs despite himself, it seems like something Patrick would do.

"than why are you calling me?" Brendon asks. he's smiling because their conversation's sorta sound like how they used to.

"I...I want to see you again." Pete says and he's rushing it out like he's afraid of what Brendon would say in response.

"what?..." Brendon honestly can't believe he's hearing this, he thinks it's like some sick joke that's being played on him but at the same time he knows that it isn't.

"I want to see you...like we used to see each other." Pete repeats and a chill travels down Brendon's spine. he doesn't know where this is coming from, this isn't the same Pete from yesterday.

"Pete..." Brendon starts because he doesn't really know how to anwser that, doesn't know what to say.

"you don't have to anwser right now Brendon, I-I just want you to think about it okay? and if you decide you want to see me again...like we used to...than just call me alright?" Pete says and his voice is clear and painfully honest like that night in the hospital and that scares the shit out of Brendon.

"okay, Pete." he whispers and his chest feels tight and his heart is beating too rapidly.

"okay." Pete replies and Brendon hear's him hang up. he doesn't know what to say or think, he's unbelieveably confused. he wonders what happened to the Pete who wanted to give everything he had to Patrick. where did that Pete go? Brendon knows he can't go to Pete...can't go to him without them ending up fucking, without Brendon ending up cheating on Nate.

Brendon pulls up infront of the house, parking out in the street. it's chilly today and Brendon shoves his hands into his hoodies pocket. the man he had called is already out on the porch waiting for him, waiting to give him what he needed so badly.

"long time, no see Brendon." William says as he drops off the cement porch of his house and saunters down the driveway. Brendon thinks he should be freezing in the small t-shirt and low rise jean's that William is wearing, but he doesn't seem to mind the weather as he sling's an arm around Brendon's shoulders.

"yeah, sorry, William." Brendon mutters as he sinks at the weight of William's arm. he doesn't tell William that he was attempting to get clean. William shrugs.

"it doesn't matter. you're here now so, just don't leave me alone too long." he says and he presses his face down into Brendon's hair and breathes him in. Brendon nods and William lowers his hand to Brendon's wrist, taking a hold of him and tugging him down the cement driveway and toward's William's black car.

"William, where are we going?" Brendon asks, he didn't think they were going anywhere. William looks down at Brendon and smiles.

"we have to go to Gabe's place...I happen to be out of supplies." William mutters before he prances to the driver's side of the car and slides in. Brendon wonders if William's been having more business or if he's just been dipping into his stash more than usual. Brendon climbs into the car and they duo drive off to Gabe's place.

Brendon rest's his head against the cool passenger side window as William yammers about something that Brendon can't follow. he's still feeling guilty, he's feeling guilty for what he knows he's about to do. Brendon knew he was going to break one way or the other. he could've either cheated on Nate with Pete or do drugs. he chose the drugs, he was doing this for Nate. it sounds insane, but he is.

the drugs are so Brendon won't pick Pete. so he won't cheat on Nate. it's a lose, lose situation but at least Brendon won't cheat on Nate.

they pull up at Gabe's large white house and Brendon tries his best not to remember the event's that took place the last time he was here. William saunter's ahead of Brendon and they spot Gabe leaning over the metal railing of the porch, persumably waiting for them to arrive.

"there's my boys!" Gabe calls and as usual he's decked out in all white, the perfect vision of an evil angel. he moves down the stairs and wraps William in a tight hug, Brendon doesn't miss him kissing William on his cheek. Gabe releases William and proceeds to move forward and he too pulls Brendon in for a hug.

Gabe breaks's away from Brendon and he motion's for the two boy's to follow him into the house. Brendon feels uncomfortable but enters the house all the same. it looks the same as the last time he was here, he doesn't see Victoria anywhere though and he wonders if Gabe dumped her for the stripper Hayley.

William seems to read Brendon's mind "hey, Gabe, where's Vicky?" he ask's and Gabe turns back as he's heading to the living room. he shrugs.

"in the shower I think." he replies and the trio move into Gabe's living room. Gabe flop's down on the end of the red couch while William sits beside him and Brendon on the other end. "so...Brendon came to you to get a fix William?" Gabe ask's and William nods, Brendon wonders if Gabe is upset by that. both Gabe and William are drug dealer's and Brendon's been going to William longer then he has Gabe but he occasionally buy's from both.

"and now you're coming to me to get more supplies and to get Brendon his fix?" he adds and again William nods. sometimes Gabe can be a scary person but William never seems to be afraid of him. Brendon can't lie and say that he's never been afraid of Gabe.

Gabe Saporta is one of the most unpredicatable people Brendon knows. Gabe's mind is always going, always's plotting and you don't want to be on his bad side.

Gabe leaves briefly to grab his supplies, while he's gone William snuggles himself into Brendon, his head resting on Brendon's shoulder. "I missed you Bren." he whispers and kisses Brendon on the cheek. he doesn't really think William mean's anything by it, he's just an overly friendly person.

Gabe returns with his case of drugs and pop's it open, setting it down on the glass table. William looks at it greedily and slide's up to Gabe's side. the oldest of the three boy's chuckle's a bit as he divides the drugs, for them to use now and for what he'll end up selling to William and other's.

Brendon isn't really focusing on the conversation. his heads still foggy with guilt and his heart is beating too fast. he can't stop thinking about Pete's call, Pete wants him back and it's hard for him to take. Brendon doesn't think it's very fair, he broke up with Pete first but he always loved him and Pete was the one who said they should just be friends, but now he wants more.

Gabe's voice pulls Brendon from his thoughts and he looks over at the older boy's. he see's Gabe is offering him some cocaine, one of Brendon's favorites. the youngest of the three looks at William, his head down to the glass table and he's snorting up his drug. Brendon takes a deep breath and covinces himself that he's doing this to save his relationship before he takes the drug from Gabe and leans down to the table, copying William's actions.

Brendon doesn't feel so bad afterwards, doesn't feel much at all. he thinks it's because he's gone longer than usual without the drug so now it's effects are stronger. his entire body feels numb and he's perfectly content to lean back against the couch, his eye's fluttering opened and closed.

he knows Gabe and William are talking but he can't really make out what their saying. it takes him five minutes before he's fully able to soak in his surroundings.

"you back with us Bren?" Gabe says and he's laughing and Brendon grins and nods. "well, I was trying to tell you something very important." Gabe adds. and Brendon is focusing on the older boy because if Gabe says it's important than it probably is.

"what is it Gabe?" Brendon is worrying now, he can't help it, he thinks it might be a side effect of the drugs. Gabe crosses his leg's and leans forward so he can see Brendon over William.

"remember those two cops that were snooping around you?" Gabe starts and he slides his hand in his shirt pocket and lifts out a cigarette tucking it between his lips. Brendon nods.

"Blackinton and Higgenson." he recalls and either William doesn't care or already knows more than Brendon thought he did because he's not even paying attention to either Gabe or Brendon. Gabe nods and lifts a red lighter off the glass table and lights his smoke.

"yeah, well, I talked to Ryland recently and he told me that he can't hold Tom off any longer. they're planning on coming back around to ask you some more questions." Gabe tells him, he inhales deeply and exhales, letting the silvery smoke swirl around his head.

that was rather important and Brendon wishes Gabe would've told him that earlier. he thinks that this is it, this is when he'll get caught for killing Brent, not that he doesn't deserve it but he just doesn't see any other way out.

Gabe must spot the scared look on Brendon's face because he laughs and reaches over to pat Brendon on the back. "don't be scared Brendon, I'll think of something." Gabe says and Brendon doesn't even want to imagine the day when Gabe wants to call in all the favors he's done for him.

being around William and Gabe jog's something in Brendon's mind, it makes him recall something from the past few week's.

"Gabe?" Brendon starts and Gabe is watching him with an eyebrow raised as acknowledgement. "do you know if Travis has a cousin?...a guy named Tyga?" Brendon is asking because he's really fucking curious as to whether or not that was really Travis' cousin that he met back at the porno set. William looks up at the mention of Travis because afterall they're still friends and Gabe's eye's go slightly wide.

"yeah," he nods and takes the cigarette from his lips putting it out. "a young guy, his real name is Stephen...I think I've met him a few time's...why do you ask?" Gabe replies.

"I met him a few week's ago..." Brendon doesn't mention that he met him while he was filming a porn, he knows that Gabe and William would be the type of guys' to buy that porn and never let it go.

"did you mention that you know Travis?" Gabe ask's and now William is staring at him intently, almost like he can see the thoughts that are cycling through the oldest boy's mind. Brendon shrugs.

"I said I kinda knew him...I gave him a fake name though." Brendon assures in case Gabe was worried about that sort of thing.

"what name?" William asks, injecting himself into the conversation.

"Brenny." the youngest boy replies and William stifles a laugh but Gabe doesn't.

"not very original Brenny-boy." he says but he's smiling so Brendon figures it will be alright.

Gabe goes quiet and he rubs his chin and isn't really focusing on either William or Brendon. "you know what you should do Brendon?" he starts and Brendon perk's up and looks over at Gabe. "you should get ahold of Tyga and invite him over to your place." Gabe says and his eyes are bright like it's a grand idea.

"what?...why in the hell would I do that?" Brendon spout's because even if Tyga isn't Travis, he still doesn't want him in the house, around Ryan or Spencer. Gabe just sighs as if the point is obvious.

"because Tyga most likely gets his stuff from Travis so, what would hurt Travis more than if you stole away one of his customers." he says and he's grinning like an evil genius but Brendon doesn't see the point.

"don't you think Travis would give him a better deal?" William interjects and Gabe shoot's him a look.

"all dear Brendon has to do is offer him something better than what Travis has to offer." Gabe shoot's back and it kinda annoys Brendon that they're talking like Brendon isn't sitting right beside them.

"I'm not sure Gabe..." Brendon says meekly. he doesn't like to go against Gabe, he knows he has experience and that he's usually right but he just doesn't want to get involved with anyone related to Travis.

William leans back against the couch and Gabe and Brendon are staring at each other. Gabe reaches over and touches Brendon's cheek. "listen, Brendon." he starts and he leans in closer to Brendon, their faces inches apart. "it will all be okay." he says and his voice is low and deep and he presses his lips to Brendon's in a chaste kiss. "I promise." he adds after he pulls away. it's the first time Gabe's ever kissed Brendon and he doesn't like it, doesn't want it and he knows he's going into a dangerous territory but still he really wants to trust Gabe.

Brendon's eyes land on the clock that hung over the television and his heart jumps up. it's only an hour before Nate gets out of work and he has to get going if he wants to beat his boyfriend home.

"I-I gotta get going." Brendon mutters and he stands up and brushes his hands along his jeans. William looks up at Brendon before he turns his gaze to Gabe and he leans in and kisses the older boy slow and deep, almost like he wants Gabe to remember it after he's gone.

William gets up after that and he hands his car key's over to Brendon before asking if he's okay to drive. Brendon is okay to drive and he touches William's elbow and leads him out of Gabe's living room and back to the driveway. on the way out Gabe call's out to Brendon.

"Bren, just call me before you call Tyga alright?" he ask's and Brendon looks back and nods. he knows he basically has no choice in the matter.

Brendon drives William home and picks up his own car. he's about halfway home before he remembers that he told Spencer he was going out for groceries so he has to go back to the supermarket, the one where Matt gave him a blowjob in the parking lot.

he buy's random items, it's more about speed than what he's actually buying and he leaves after having one bag full. he arrives home and finds that Nate isn't back yet. Brendon rushes into the house with the bag of groceries and he see's Spencer and Ryan looking up at him.

"I've got the groceries." he says and he tries not to sound out of breath. Spencer stands and Ryan follow's much like a baby duck would follow it's mother. Spencer sift's through the bag while Ryan races to Brendon and hold's out a picture book, one Brendon doesn't recall ever seeing before.

"bre-Brendon, spenc-Spencer is te-teac-teaching-me!" he says and honestly Ryan sound's better let alone happier than Brendon's heard him in a while.

"that's great Ryan, I'm proud of you." Brendon smile's and Ryan throws himself in Brendon's arms hugging him tightly. Spencer is looking at the two of them and he's smiling too and Brendon tries his best not to feel bad for letting down everyone important in his life.


chapter thirty: Set It In Motion

Nate doesn't end up finding out about Brendon doing drugs that night. He didn't expect it the second night either, or the third. Brendon never called Pete either, he won't. He'd much rather do drugs than cheat on Nate.

Now that Nate isn't working in porn anymore he has picked up more shift's at the strip club. That mean's that Brendon is left to his own devices a lot. There is always Ryan and Spencer but Brendon feels like Spencer is doing a better job caring for Ryan than he could.

Brendon is out on the front porch smoking a cigarette. It's not something he usually does, but he's picked it up as of late. Ryan and Spencer are in the house, Spencer trying to teach Ryan something new. Brendon hear's a screen door bang shut and he perk's up. He see's Jon standing on the porch of his and Spencer's house and instantly the older boy's eyes travel to Brendon.

It's the same thing that's been happening in the last few week's. Anytime Jon spots Brendon outside he comes up and talk's to him, try's to find out if he's seen Spencer. Today is no different.

Jon moves to the wooden fence, his arms hanging over onto Brendon's side. "Hey, Brendon." Jon starts and Brendon can see that the boy is different. He's more subdued, more defeated.

"Hey, Jon." Brendon replies and he stands and moves toward's the fence. He doesn't paticularly fear Jon anymore, more so pities him. Brendon can see that Jon's got deep shadows under his eyes, one's that are almost the same shade as the bruises Spencer used to have. Jon also hasn't shaved and he looks rather unkempt. It looks like Jon is falling apart without Spencer by his side but again, Brendon knows that Jon deserves it.

"Still no sign of Spencer?" Brendon ask's because he can predict what Jon will say so, he decides to say it first. Jon sighs deep and scrubs a hand over his face.

"No...but I know something now." Jon starts and his voice is weary and tired.

"What?" Brendon asks, suddenly he's afraid that Jon knows that Spencer's staying at his house. He's suddenly afraid that he's about to be beaten to death.

"He won't come back to me." Jon says, there is a note of finality in him like he's sure it's true and Brendon wants to tell him that it is but he doesn't.

"Why's that?"

"Because, I'm not something worth coming back to." Jon replies and he sound's so hurt and quiet and it almost, almost break's Brendon's heart but he remembers Spencer's story of the first time Jon hit him and again he remains mute.

"Okay, Jon, I gotta go but I'll see ya around yeah?" Brendon tells the older boy because he's run out of things to say. Jon nods and pulls away from the fence.

"Bye, Brendon." he says in that low injured way and Brendon shakes it off before he heads back inside. He knows that there really is a very low chance that Jon ever spotted Spencer seeing as the younger boy hasn't left Brendon's house since he moved in.
***
About an hour later Brendon hear's Jon's truck start up and he goes to the window and watches as the older man pulls out of the driveway and drives down the street. Spencer and Ryan are in the kitchen eating but Spencer is looking up at Brendon.

"Did Jon leave?" Spencer questions and Brendon turns and nods. The younger boy's face pinches. "Did he ask about me?" Spencer asks and again Brendon nods. Spencer is quiet and he watches Ryan for a moment before he looks up at the older boy.

"Brendon, can I take the car for awhile?" Spencer asks and he sound's afraid, probably a side effect of being with Jon for so long.

"You want to leave?" Brendon's surprised because he figures that Spencer would still be afraid to be caught by Jon. Spencer looks away from Brendon and he's looking out the window now.

"Yeah, I could go get groceries or something..." He suggests. His voice is small like he's afraid Brendon's going to say no, or worse get angry at him.

"Aren't you afraid that Jon will spot you?" Brendon replies, he's not thinking that it's such a great idea for Spencer to leave, even if Jon is gone. Spencer shakes his head.

"No, Jon will be gone for awhile I'm sure...Brendon, I haven't been outside in week's. I'm constantly afraid and I just need to get away...if only for a moment." The youngest boy says. Brendon knows it's true, that Spencer has done nothing but stay locked inside ever since he started hiding from Jon. Brendon thinks that he would want out too so, he can't fault the younger boy.

"Brendon, please." Spencer beg's and Brendon sighs softly and he looks out the window before he looks back at the younger boy and nods.

"Okay, Spencer." Brendon see's the younger boy light up and he looks back at Ryan.

"Can I take Ryan with me?" He asks. This Brendon isn't sure about. Ever since the incident with Travis, Brendon has been unsure about letting Ryan go anywhere. He feels like he can trust Spencer, that the boy would be protective of Ryan but he's still not sure. "I just want to expose him to the outside world...I think it's good for him." Spencer adds and that's really all the boy need's so he nods and allows Spencer to leave with Ryan.

Ryan hugs Brendon tight before he leaves and Brendon watches cautiously as they get into Brendon's car. Spencer looks like a mix of overjoyed and nervous but he pulls away fast and the boy is happy that he could make Spencer happy.

Brendon has to admit that he has ulterior motives for why he allowed Spencer and Ryan to leave. He takes this opportunity with an empty house to put Gabe's plan into motion. He grab's up his cell and dials Shay, Tyga's girlfriends number. It takes three ring's before she anwsers and Brendon is surprised that the girl even remembers him, it's not like they worked together all that much.

Shay gives Brendon Tyga's cell phone number after much perssuasion and he has to namedrop Nate a couple times but she give's it to him and Brendon promptly call's the number. He's not scared to call Tyga, the only thing that worries him is the possiblity that Tyga could be hanging with Travis.

"Yo?"

"Is this Tyga?" Brendon questions because he honestly doesn't know.

"Yeah, who is this?" Tyga asks and his voice is low and dangerous sounding. There is silence on Tyga's end so he doesn't really think that the younger boy is around anyone.

"Um, this is Brenny...I-Uh-I met you through your girlfriend Shay." Brendon stammer's out. He knows this plan is difficult, if he were Tyga he wouldn't trust himself.

"Oh, right, right. You're the lil' gay dude that knows my cousin right?" Tyga's voice fills with realiziation.

"Um, yeah, that's me." Brendon anwsers, deciding to ignore the gay remark.

"So, what up little dude?" Tyga is saying and Brendon's surprised at how trusting the boy is being.

"Well, I know you're Travis' cousin and I know he like's to...well, indulge with drugs and shit like that so, I dunno...I thought that maybe you indulged too?" Brendon asks, he's sounding like an idiot, he knows that he is but he can't stop now.

Tyga's voice drops down low and dangerous again. "You a narc or some shit like that?" He question's and Brendon's heart pick's up speed because this is all sounding bad.

"No, no, I'm not anything like that! I'm a dealer! That's why I called you...incase you wanted to buy from me." Brendon suggests, he can't help but hear how his voice is sounding so injured and pathetic.

"I buy from Travis." Tyga says with an air of finality.

"I know but look, I got good shit and I'm pretty strapped for cash so I'll sell it for cheap." Brendon says and he's laying it on thick but Gabe was pretty serious about taking Tyga's business away from Travis. There is a silence on Tyga's end and the boy wonders if he hung up.

"Gimmie your address and I'll be there in an hour." Tyga tells him and Brendon feels a stab of victory because he had done what Gabe suggested. Brendon gives the boy his address and hangs up. He call's Gabe next because he's excited to tell the older man about how he succeeded with the plan.

"Bden, what's up?" Gabe's casual voice flood's Brendon's ears. The boy moves next to the front window and peer's outside, he's not sure why because he can't hear anything out there but he figures it's a habit.

"Gabe, I just got off the phone with Tyga."

"You did? What'd he say?" Gabe sounds as excited as Brendon thought he would.

"He said he'd come by soon. I was about to call William to get some drugs from him actually." Brendon says and again he peers out the window, looking for either Spencer, Jon, or Tyga.

"No! Don't call William." Gabe says suddenly and Brendon's taken aback because he always buys from William.

"Why?"

"It's not necessary Brendon. Look, I'll bring some stuff over in a few minutes and I'll even do it for free." Gabe replies and his voice has the seductive kind of tone that it has when the older boy wants something.

"Alright Gabe. See you in a few?" Brendon asks and Gabe tells him that he'll be over soon. They hang up and Brendon wonders if Gabe and Tyga will be over before Spencer and Ryan get back.

Brendon stalks around the house nervously, he knows that this act isn't much. He's just taking away a customer from Travis, it's not the revenge Brendon wants but he'll go along with it for now. Brendon is sitting on the counter in the kitchen when he hears a car pull up. The boy hop's down off the counter and his mind is begging 'Please be Gabe, please be Gabe, please be Gabe.'

He pushes the curtain's back and peers out at a red convertable that's parked in front of his house. Fuck, it's not Gabe but Tyga who is ambling out of the car in a white wifebeater and low hanging saggy black jeans. He's wearing bright red sunglasses and heavy blinged out chains around his neck. Brendon swears low because Gabe isn't here yet, Brendon doesn't think he has anything in the house that he could sell to Tyga.

Brendon drops the curtain and moves to the door awaiting Tyga. The boy knocks once Before Brendon is opening the door. Tyga looks surprised that Brendon anwsered so quickly but the older boy shrugs it off and smiles at his visitor.

"Thanks for coming." He says and he moves aside so Tyga can come into the house. Brendon peers out behind Tyga scanning for Gabe's car. He really need's Gabe to show up soon, he doesn't know how long he can keep the younger boy around.

Tyga is standing in the middle of the living room looking throughly unimpressed. His arms are crossed tight across his chest. He turns back to look at Brendon, his fingers coming up to tip his sunglasses down so the older boy could see his dark brown eyes.

"Where's the stuff lil' man? I got shit to do you know." Tyga says and he sounds annoyed but Brendon ignores the tone and nods.

"I know, my partner should be here any minute with the stuff." Brendon replies and he looks back at the window, tempted to pull the curtain and just pray that Gabe has shown up. Tyga pulls a face at the word 'partner'.

"Shit, you didn't tell me there was another person involved." He says sounding slightly alarmed.

"It's nothing to worry about. He's a good guy, you can trust him." Brendon says and he's hoping that Tyga doesn't just walk out of here because things are getting more and more suspicious as the minutes pass. Tyga doesn't look convinced as he pushes up his bright red shades.

"Nah, I think I'm gonna be peacing." The younger boy says and he strides past Brendon towards the door.

"Wait! Wait Tyga!" Brendon starts and he takes a hold of the boy's arm. Tyga turns and yank's his arm from Brendon's grasp, he looks pissed and Brendon thinks that he crossed a line.

"Man, what you think you're doing?" Tyga snaps and Brendon raises his hands in apology.

"Sorry, look, I think I got some stuff back in my room though so," Brendon trails off and Tyga stares him down before he nods.

"Alright, show me." he requests and Brendon nods and moves down the hall with Tyga clomping along behind him. Brendon leads Tyga to his room and he immedintly goes to the nightstand next to his bed, dropping down to his knees. Brendon isn't exactly comfortable like this, on his knee's with Tyga behind him, it kinda feels like an excution waiting to happen.

Brendon really isn't sure if he has drugs at all but he figures that he's stalling time at the very least. He pulls open the bottom drawer, where he used to keep his gun. Brendon digs around and there's a bunch of miscellanious crap in there but he pushes to the back and his hand finds a small bag. He lifts it out quickly and there in his hand is a small white baggie full of cocaine.

It's not much but Tyga makes a noise like he likes what he see's. Brendon raises up and he hand's over the baggie. Tyga checks it out before he nods and fishes around in his pocket for a crumpled ten shoving it into the older boy's hand.

The two boy's head out of Brendon's room and down the hall to the living room. Tyga pockets the baggie and he looks like he's ready to take off.

"Look, you get more stuff and I'll come back and buy from you again." Tyga tells Brendon and the boy nods seemingly the plan worked fine and he wants to tell Gabe that he pulled it off. It's around this time that there's a loud knocking on the door.

Tyga looks at Brendon, a little spark of fear on his face. Brendon shakes his head.

"It's fine, I'm sure it's my partner Gabe." Brendon tells the boy even though he knows that it could very well be Ryan and Spencer and if that's the case, well, he'll have some explaining to do. Brendon goes to anwser the door, Tyga looking on tensed in the living room.

He pulls the door open and there are two people standing on his porch. It's not Ryan and Spencer, and nope, it's definitly not Gabe.

Ryland and Tom are standing out on Brendon's porch. They both look angry and Brendon can't quite think because no, no the cops cannot be here right now. Tyga is frozen in the living room for a split second before he's rushing past them, a dark flash through the door way and he's making a run for it.

Ryland tears off after Tyga and Brendon can see him getting tackled into the green lawn. Brendon's heart is beating wildly fast. Tom is staring down at him and he moves forward, metal cuffs hanging from his hand.

"You gonna try to run too?" Tom questions and Brendon considers it but he got stuck with Tom, and he's sure the cop would not be opposed to shooting him.

"No." Brendon says quietly and he's not sure what he's saying no to exactly. No he won't run, no this can't be happening, no, please, someone save me. Tom advances on Brendon and he's cuffed up and being led out the door. If Brendon's mind was working correctly he'd be asking just why he was getting arrested, he wants some proof.

Tom's leading him to the dark blue cop car that's parked behind Tyga's sports car. Brendon can see Tyga struggling on the ground but he too is cuffed and Ryland hauls him up to his feet. Brendon's not sure what's going on. Gabe had told him that the cops were going to come around but wasn't Ryland one of Gabe's men? Did Ryland suddenly betray the other boy?

Brendon is shoved up against the side of the car and he hear's a thud and see's Tyga being pushed against the car too.

"Man, I didn't do nothin'! This is bullshit! you fucking cops I didn't do shit!" Tyga is screaming and Brendon thinks if he keep's carrying on that way he's going to get tazed. Brendon vaugely wonders why he isn't freaking out like Tyga is. Maybe he feels like he still trusts Ryland but he doesn't think that's the case. Brendon feels like he deserves it, like he's finally getting what he deserves for killing Brent.

"You two are under arrest for posession of drugs, dealing, and intent to distribute." Ryland says and he's pushing Tyga down roughly. Tom starts reading them right's but Brendon isn't really listening. He doesn't feel like he's really here. His whole body is frozen and his mind is racing.

He's getting arrested, for dealing but he's sure there is more. He's sure that they found out that Brendon had killed Brent. Brendon thinks of Nate, there's no way to get out of this one. Nate's going to find out about the murder, about the drugs and he'll lose the boy. And what about Spencer and Ryan? Brendon's sure someone will seize the house and they won't let Spencer stay, he's sure that Jon will find Spencer now and Ryan...fuck, Ryan was probably going to get taken away.

Fuck, so many, so many people were getting screwed over all because Brendon made a stupid mistake. Because he listened to Gabe. Thinking of Gabe makes Brendon jolt. Gabe was supposed to come over, what if he still does? Could Gabe stop this from happening?

The next thing he knows he''s being shoved into the back of the cop car, Tyga next to him. Ryland goes and closes Brendon's front door before he and Tom climb into the front seat.

"I'm gonna fucking kill you." Tyga is whispering harshly but Brendon doesn't care at the moment. He knows they're gonna leave before Gabe shows up, he knows he's going to jail. Brendon's going to lose everything and honestly he doesn't care if Tyga kills him now.



chapter thirty one: I left my sins in the desert

Brendon assumes that they're going to the police station downtown. It doesn't take long to get there, ten minutes tops. They'll drive past the grocery store and maybe Brendon will see his own car sitting in the parking lot. Maybe Brendon will remember the blowjob he had gotten from Matt in that same parking lot.

They've been driving too long though. They should've been to the police station by now. Tom seems to think this too as he turns to Ryland and whispers something so Brendon can't hear. Ryland looks at Tom and shakes his head.

"Don't worry about it." Ryland says out loud and Brendon desperately wants to believe that the words are directed at him but he doesn't think they are. Tom nods and Ryland keep's on driving. Tyga is still quietly cursing death on Brendon and the other boy still doesn't care.

When Brendon see's the outskirts of the city he knows for sure that they're not going to the local police station. He wonders vaugely if they're going to some out of town prison or something like that. The sun is setting in the sky, casting deep orange ray's of light across the ground. Beyond the city lies the desert, maybe not a stereotypical desert but miles and miles of dry dusty earth and little to no surroundings.

Brendon thinks that maybe they're by the strip club where Nate work's. How awful would it be if his boyfriend saw him in the back of a cop car? They keep driving and Tyga is bitching up a storm in the backseat, demanding to know where he's being taken. It feels like they've been driving forever and the sky is a mix of orange and a deep purple now.

Brendon knows that Spencer and Ryan must be home by now. They must notice that he is gone. Nate will be out of work soon too, he wonders what will happen when they call his cell and notice that it's sitting on the kitchen table. The boy is also having trouble dealing with the fact that Ryland is turning him in, he knows that Ryland isn't loyal to him but he was sure the man was loyal to Gabe and hadn't Gabe put some sort of protection out on Brendon?

Finally after what feels like an hour and a half of driving the cop car is pulling over on the side of the dust filled road. Brendon looks up and his stomach lurches because there on the side of the road is Gabe's white sports car. Brendon is confused, is it some weird coincedence that Gabe happens to be out here? Or maybe it was all planned?

Ryland is staring out the window at Gabe's darkened car. Brendon is peering out the window but he can't see Gabe anywhere.

"Ryland, what's going on?" Tom is asking, he looks confused and that only serves to make Brendon more anxious. He honestly doesn't know what's going on. Tyga too seems to be lost. He's complaining about them stopping, like he's actually eager to get to jail, maybe he's looking for Travis to bail him out.

Ryland leans over and pat's Tom on the shoulder. "It's nothing, just give me a minute alright?" he tells Tom. The cop in the passenger seat nods but he peers back at Brendon and Tyga like he's afraid they're the cause of this whole situation before he turns his gaze to Ryland.

The tall boy heads toward's Gabe's car, his hand on his gun. Fuck, Brendon doesn't think this is good and maybe Ryland did turn on Gabe, maybe he was tired of being on the wrong side of the law. Maybe he was taking care of Gabe right now. Brendon's eyes are glued to the scene outside as Ryland taps on Gabe's car window.

The window rolls down and Brendon see's a flash of Gabe, just a split second. The two men are talking and Brendon's heart is up in his throat. Tyga is still rambling a string of swears and it continues before Tom whips around and hit's the metal grate seperating the front and back seats.

"Shut up now!" he shouts and his eyes are still locked on Ryland and Gabe. Tyga replies with an unpleasant swear. Brendon turns his gaze back to Ryland, see's the man nod and he's walking back to the cop car, except he's pulling open Brendon's door instead of getting in his own.

Brendon is looking up at Ryland with wild, fearful eyes as he's pulled from the car.

"Ryland! What are you doing?" Tom yells, he's wheeled around now so he can look at his partner. Ryland doesn't say anything just pulls Brendon from the car, the boy falling to his knees in the sand from the sudden movement. He's looking up at Ryland and his face is blank. Brendon doesn't know whether or not that's a good thing.

Ryland goes in for Tyga and the younger boy is attempting to kick the cop, screaming "Fuck you!" all the while. Brendon flicks his eyes to Gabe's car, he's staring at the dark tinted window, trying to see into it, trying to see Gabe for support. The tinted window rolls down a bit and Brendon see's fingers dip out into the air, in something akin to a wave. Brendon takes that as a good sign.

Tyga is pulled out of the car as well and deposited down into the sand next to Brendon.

"What the fuck man! What the fuck is going on?" Tyga is screaming and Ryland is standing before them and before he knows it the cop is slapping Tyga hard across the face. Tyga's head flies to the side and he stares up at Ryland, his eyes burning with an intense hate and Brendon is scared all over again.

They hear a car door and Brendon looks to see that Tom is now ambling out of the car and heading toward's them.

"Blackinton! What the fuck are you doing?" Tom is shouting but it's not like there's anyone around to hear him. Ryland looks over at Tom and his face is still creepily blank. Brendon just wants Gabe to come out and save him, take him home, take him back to safety. "This isn't protocal!" Tom adds and Ryland sighs deeply.

"Sorry, Higgenson, I'm not following protocal this time." he replies and his gaze flickers down to the two handcuffed boys on the ground. An even worse thought fill's Brendon's head. What if it wasn't Ryland that turned on Gabe but Gabe that turned on Brendon?

Brendon's suddenly aware of the black gun that hangs around Ryland's hips. He's also aware of every favor he's ever asked of Gabe, of how much trouble he's caused the older man. He honestly doesn't think it's enough to be deserving of death but maybe Gabe thought so.

Brendon didn't want to die out here on the side of the road, not next to someone related to Travis. He didn't want to die without telling Nate that he loved him more than anything or telling Spencer to please take care of Ryan. Brendon didn't want to die without telling Pete how proud he was that he had gotten clean, plain and simple, Brendon didn't want to die.

He's vaugely reminded of Brent and the way he died, alone in the hot dirt of the park. Maybe he does deserve this afterall.

"Ryland, we need to take these two to the station." Tom reminds his partner. Ryland isn't looking at Tom though, he is instead looking at Gabe's car. At this point the large white door swings open and Brendon can see white shoes step into the sand. Gabe is out of the car and he looks calm, again Brendon isn't sure if that's good or not.

"Who is that?" Tom questions. It's becoming obvious that he, just like Brendon and Tyga have no idea what's going on. Gabe swings his door closed before he leans against his car, white suit unusually bright against the setting sun. Ryland's watching Gabe for a moment before he turns his attention to Tom.

"He's a friend." Ryland responds. Tom's eyes narrow while Gabe is smirking and making it a point to avoid Brendon's fearful gaze. Tom shakes his head, his hands finding the brim of his police hat, he tugs on it almost nervously.

"Ryland, I'm going to go call some back-up...I don't think you have the best intentions with this case." Tom says, Brendon watches as he turns and heads back to the car. Ryland shakes his head and in a quick fluid motion he has the gun up off his hip and pointed at Tom. There's about a split second in time between when Tom turns around and when Ryland pulls the trigger.

A loud earshattering bang, a flash of sparks and Tom is on the ground clutching his knee. He's screaming in pain, he backs himself up against the tire of the police car. Tom's hands are clutching his knee, ruby red blood painting the pale skin.

"Ryland! What-What the fuck?" Tom screams, his head tipped back against the metal frame of the car and his brown eyes, wide with pain, lock with his partners. Ryland tuck's the gun away and Brendon is shaking now. He doesn't feel safe, he's glancing between Gabe and Ryland who are standing. Gabe only looks mildly surprised at this turn of events, like he hadn't expected it but hadn't ruled it out either.

"I'm sorry, Tom. I didn't want to shoot you but at the same time I can't have you calling back-up either." Ryland says, his face stony, hard to read and still Brendon has no idea what's going on.

"Why are you doing this?" Tom gasps out, his pantleg is wet with blood. Ryland's eyes darken a bit and he flickers his gaze over Gabe.

"We have some very important things to do tonight. Things that require cooperation." Ryland near whispers and Brendon shudders on the ground. He's tempted to crawl away but he knows it would be in vain, he's still handcuffed and he can't imagine he would get very far without someone noticing. Tyga must have no such thought process though because Brendon see's him fall to his back and the boy is kicking his leg's scooting away from the scene before them.

"Ah, ah, ah." Brendon hears Gabe start and he watches as the white clad man moves to where Tyga is scrambling away, Ryland turning to look back at the prisioners. Gabe reaches Tyga and the younger boy is cussing up a storm but really, Brendon isn't blaming him. "Where do you think you're going?" Gabe asks as he leans down, grab's Tyga's arms and pulls him back up to his knees. "You happen to be the key to this whole thing. You're not going anywhere." Gabe tells him, his hands resting strong on Tyga's shoulders.

"Get the fuck off me!" Tyga grits out and he attempts to shake Gabe lose but the older man just holds him tighter. Brendon's confused by Gabe and Ryland's words. Something was happening tonight? Something involving Tyga? None of it made sense and if this was some kind of plan cooked up by Gabe, well, Brendon didn't think that was a good thing.

"Gabe? Gabe, what are you doing?" Brendon pleads out. He's sick of waiting, he doesn't even care if it end's badly, he just wants to know what the fuck is going on. Brendon can hear Gabe laughing softly behind him.

"Ryland, think we should fill them in?" Gabe is asking the cop that's not currently wounded.

"A good idea." Ryland replies back, his eyes are still trained on Tom, who is still leaning against the car, panting in pain.

"Okay." Gabe starts and Brendon looks back as Gabe pushes Tyga down hard, the younger boy falling on to his stomach in the dirt. He than moves around back to his car, once again leaning against the white frame. "Brendon, remember when you came to me and told me that you met Travis' cousin?" Gabe starts and Brendon nods and he can see Tyga glaring at him wide eyed from the ground. "And remember how I said the cops would be back to check on you?" Again Brendon nodded and Gabe was smiling.

"Well, I talked to Ryland here and the two of us came up with a genius solution to everyone's problems." Gabe says and his smile is wider, creepier, Brendon shivers into the night air.

"Urie knew we were coming after him? What the fuck Ryland?" Tom shouts out and now Ryland is sighing and he moves towards his partner, dropping on his knees beside him.

"I guess I might as well tell you Tom. I'm a dirty cop." Ryland whispers and Tom gasps and looks up in shock.

"No.." Tom trails off and Ryland nods and continues talking.

"I've been on Gabe's payroll for awhile now." Ryland says, flicking his head motioning towards the older man who was still grinning and leaning against his clean white sports car. Tom's eyes are wide as if he couldn't believe that his partner was anything but a straight cop.

"And that little partnership came in very handy when little Brendon here murdered Brent Wilson." Gabe adds from his spot by the car. Brendon's mouth drops as does Toms. He can't believe Gabe just admitted that, granted the only one who could do much damage would be Tom. But still Brendon would perfer if Gabe didn't mention it so casually.

"What? Urie killed the Wilson kid?...and you knew Ryland?" Tom questions. His eyes look faded slightly, Brendon thinks it's because he's finding out that the person he looked up to appeared to be nothing more than a crooked police officer.

"Man, what's this shit got to do with me? I didn't kill nobody! I didn't hurt nobody!" Tyga shouts but he doesn't dare move out of fear of what Gabe or Ryland might do to him. Gabe's looking down at Tyga, a grimace on his handsome face.

"No, you didn't hurt anyone...but your cousin did." Gabe starts, his voice has dropped low and dangerous, the same kind of tone that send's shivers along Brendon's spine. "Your cousin raped a fucking special-ed kid! Raped him when he didn't even know what was going on, hurt someone who didn't deserve it and upset Brendon. Now...well, now we're hurting someone Travis loves."

Gabe stops talking and moves to stand by Brendon. He bends down and peers into the brown eyes of the younger boy.

"See Brendon, I told you I'd get you some revenge." Gabe whispers into the boy's ear and his hand squeezes the boy's shoulder. Gabe straightens up and looks over at Ryland.

"Revenge? If you're getting me revenge than why am I handcuffed?" Brendon asks, he's trying not to sound so angry but if this whole thing was for his benefit than why did he have to be cuffed?

"All for show dear Brendon." Gabe states and he motions at Ryland who nods and stands and moves behind Brendon, unlocking the boy. Ryland pulls Brendon up and lightly shoves the boy towards Gabe.
The white clad man reaches out and grab's hold of Brendon, tugging him close.

"Why do you think I told you to call Tyga over? Why do you think I told you to call me before you had Tyga over? It was all part of the plan!" Gabe exclaimes and he sound's excited as he waves his arms around a bit. Brendon's eyes are wide as he stares down Gabe. He doesn't understand what the older man is doing, what this all is for. Gabe's looking at him like he wants the younger boy to be as excited about this plan as he is.

"I don't understand the plan." Brendon whispers, Gabe just smiles and squeezes Brendon's shoulder.

"It's fine, I'll explain it to you. After you and William left my house the other day I called up Ryland and told him to wait to go to your place, wait until I told him to." Gabe tells him, he wait's for a moment to see if Brendon gets it but the boy isn't saying anything so he continues.

"So, When you called me and told me you had Tyga around, I called Ryland and had him come over and arrest you two." Brendon's eyes narrow but Gabe raises his hand up to silence him. "Ryland arrested you to make it all look natural. Brendon, you were never going to get in trouble. All we wanted was him." Gabe says and he's looking over at Tyga who isn't moving, Brendon thinks that the youngest of them has finally learned just how dangerous Gabe can be.

"What are you going to do to him?" Brendon asks, his voice is low and slightly scared. Gabe's mouth raises in a smirk. He's looking past Brendon and over to Ryland.

"Wanna take this Ry?" he asks, Ryland focuses on Gabe and he seems a little distracted but he nods all the same.

"The plan is that we frame Tyga for Brent Wilson's murder." Ryland says it so casually that Brendon almost misses it, except that he doesn't. He couldn't miss something like that. Tyga hears it too, of course he does, just because they had been talking about him like he wasn't there didn't make it happen.

"Fuck, that!" Tyga yells, the same time as Tom lets out a shaky 'What?'

No one bothers to anwser Tyga but Ryland does turn and dip back down next to his partner.

"See that's what I meant earlier about cooperation." He tells Tom and he's smiling a bit. "All I need you to do is go along with the story. Say that this kid confessed to killing Wilson, that he shot you. Than we'll take him to the jail and everybody wins." Ryland is whispering, he pats Tom's face softly, not in a lovers way Brendon is thinking, more of a mob boss kind of way.

Tom is staring at him with deep eyes, he's thinking hard.

"It's not right Ryland." Tom says moments later and Ryland's face falls blank. "That kid didn't kill anybody...and I cannot believe that you knew Urie was the killer and didn't do anything...what kind of cop are you?" Tom spits out.

Ryland's eyes narrow at his partner.

"I'm the kind of officer that is sick to fuck of the legal system! Do you really think it matters what we do? That we're helping at all? Let me tell you that we're not, we risk our lives and it doesn't even matter Tom! You're much better off on my side." Ryland is angrier than Brendon's ever seen. He's suddenly worried that the cop might just kill the whole lot of them.

Ryland turns away from Tom, thinking that the other cop had finally agreed with his view.

"No, Ryland...I can't." They hear Tom say and Ryland turns back to look at him. He's slipped lower against the frame of the police car. His pant leg is torn and stained dark with blood. He's sweating and grimacing but he's looking at Ryland, at his partner with determined eyes.

"I won't help you."

"You sure?" Ryland says, his voice is so dark and frightening, Brendon can't believe that Tom is going against it. Tom doesn't say anything but he nods.

"My dream was to be a cop Ryland...not a dirty one either. I'm a straight cop." he replies, his voice is smaller and weaker and Brendon thinks that the man is in desperate need of hospitalization.

"That's really too bad." Ryland says quietly. Brendon doesn't know how he the cop manages to have such a fluid movement. He has his gun in his hand and he fires at Tom. It hits him in the chest this time.

Brendon has a theory, one that he see's death in slow motion. It all runs so slow to him, and it's the most horrible thing he's ever seen. Tom is slumped and still against the car, deep crimson is staining through his shirt and there is no denying that the cop is dead...or dying.

"Why'd you do that?" Brendon half screams, Gabe's hand is on his arm like he's afraid that the younger boy will run. Sure, he didn't like Tom that much and he didn't want to go to jail but he also didn't want the cop to die.

Ryland turns back slowly to face Brendon and Gabe. His long face is grim as he tucks his gun back into the holster at his hip.

"I had to. He wouldn't have went along with it. He would've turned us all in." Ryland says quietly. Brendon can't tell if he's upset, he doesn't know the man enough to know his emotions. Gabe runs a hand over his face but he nods.

"He did the right thing." Gabe responds and Brendon shivers. Gabe releases Brendon and moves forward to Ryland, his hand coming up to rest on the cops shoulder. Ryland tilts his head in Gabe's direction and the two stare at each other for a moment. "Shall we get down to business?" he asks and Ryland is silent for a beat before he nods.

Ryland takes his gun out of the holster on his side before both he and Gabe turn, training their glances on Tyga.

"Yeah." he says so low that it sounds more like a mumble than anything else. "lets do this."


chapter thirty two: False Redemption

Gabe runs his hand over Brendon's shoulder before he and Ryland move over to Tyga. The dark skinned young man moves up onto his knees at the sight of the two intimidating men before him. Tyga stares up at the two men, defiance in his dark brown eyes. "If you think I'm taking the rap for that fag. You're dead wrong." Tyga spats out, his eyes trained on Brendon.

"Well, you got one thing right." Gabe begins, he looks down at the boy, grinning. "If you don't take the rap, someone will wind up dead." He states.

"But it won't be Brendon." Ryland adds, the cop has moved over to his police car, where Tom's body is still laying broken nearby. The cop digs around in the front seat of the car for a moment before he turns, a small black tape recorder in his hand. Ryland returns back to his spot next to Gabe.

"Now listen Tyga. All you have to do is admit that you killed Brent Wilson and Tom Higgenson." Ryland says, his voice is tinged dark. Tyga's jaw is set and he's still staring up at Ryland.

"Fuck you." He spits out, glaring at Ryland. Gabe laughs from his spot next to Ryland.

"That was the plan." Gabe says, Brendon notes that his voice is also dark. Confusion washes over Tyga's face but not Brendon's. For Brendon it all suddenly clicks, every piece falls into place and he gets what Gabe and Ryland are going to do. They're getting revenge for Ryan.

"We tried to play nice." Gabe starts, his large hand runs down his stomach, crinkling the material of his white dress shirt. "We tried to make it easy." He adds, his hand slips lower, running along the black leather of his belt. "But you cousin had to go and make things dirty." As he finishes he unzips his white pants and slides them down a bit, his slim hips just barely showing.

Ryland is watching Gabe, his eyes dark and a small smirk playing across his face. He too unzips his dark blue pants. Tyga makes a disgusted face and It's in that moment that realization washes over him. He knows what they intend to do. "I ain't no fag! So don't try shit!" Tyga yells, attempting to stop the two men before they even get started.

"Ryan didn't want it to happen either! But it still did!" Brendon finds himself shouting. It seems the situation has brought the memories of the night Ryan was raped to the forefront of Brendon's mind. He remembers the way Travis looked, the way he didn't care that he was hurting Ryan. The way Ryan still woke up screaming sometimes and Spencer asks why, but Brendon can bring himself to tell him.

Gabe looks back at him, surprised, Brendon's kind of surprised at himself. Ryland ignores the boy though and he dips his hands into his pants, pushing his pants and boxers down to his lower thighs. That leaves his half hard cock hanging out in the dry evening air.

Ryland looks over at Gabe, he smiles and the white clad boy returns that smile before he leans in and kisses the cop, dry and rough. So maybe it's not just William and Brendon that Gabe's taken to kissing. Gabe slides his hand down to Ryland's hip and he presses his thumb into it. Ryland bucks a bit and makes a noise into the kiss. Gabe smiles against the kiss before his large hand sinks lower, gripping Ryland's cock.

The cop makes a gasping noise against Gabe's mouth. Tyga stares on looking utterly disgusted by the act before him. Gabe tugs Ryland, smooth pulls that leave the cop gasping and maybe Brendon would be hard if this whole situation weren't so fucking strange. Ryland grows hard in Gabe's hand and the older boy releases his cock.

apparently the whole kissing and jacking off event was just to get Ryland hard. He was hard now, his long dick flushed and shiny. Ryland steps up to Tyga, his dick tight in his hand. Tyga's watching his body scrunched down, almost like a cat ready to pounce. Brendon isn't sure what the dark skinned boy can actually do in his position but he doesn't think it's going to be enough to stop Gabe and Ryland.

Ryland reaches down, lightning fast and grabs the dark skinned boy by the neck, forcing his head up. Tyga's eyes meet Ryland's and the cop grins, dark and twisted. "If you even think about biting, Gabe here'll shoot you right between the eyes." The cops snaps. Tyga lets his eyes drift over to Gabe, the tall white clad man held a gun level with Tyga's head, grinning.

Ryland releases his hand from Tyga's throat but he moves his fingers into The boy's mouth, forcing his mouth open. The cop moves forward and Tyga wiggles back, trying to escape from Ryland's touch. "Gabe, little help?" The cop requests. Gabe laughs before he moves up behind Tyga, his hand coming to rest on the back of the boy's head, pressing him forward.

The cops fingers are back in Tyga's mouth, holding it open. His other hand is still wrapped around his cock and he moves forward, pushing the head of his cock against Tyga's full lips. The boy on his knees makes a sharp noise of anger, he's still trying in vain to get away from the two men but Gabe's hands hold him steady.

Brendon's watching the scene unfold, he's still leaning back against Gabe's car, the sky dark around them, cloaking the act. Brendon watches with a blank face as Ryland pushes his cock into Tyga's mouth, his fingers still in the boys mouth. He quickly withdrawls his fingers, leaving just his dick in the dark skinned boys mouth.

He pushes in, not far, Tyga can't handle much of it, especially since Brendon's betting that he's never sucked dick in his entire life. Gabe's hand is still on Tyga's head, holding him forward. Ryland pulls out and his dick is wet and shiny. He pushes forward again, his cock sliding back into Tyga's mouth. Ryland apparently doesn't care about the fact that the boy can't properly deepthroat and Gabe doesn't seem to mind either.

Ryland pushes his length down Tyga's throat, making the boy gag and buck, trying to get away from the offending cock. Brendon keep's watching as Gabe hold's Tyga's head flat against the base of the cops cock, Ryland basically mouth fucking the dark skinned teen. Tyga's face is wet, tears slipping out and down his cheeks despite himself as Ryland fucks his throat.

The cops head is tipped back, exposing his neck and he's groaning, his cries sharp along the abandoned roads. Ryland's hips buck, slamming against Tyga's chest, the boy's nose burried in the cops dark curls. He thrusts wild and frantic, he's not trying to make it last too long, he's mostly just trying to make him take it all down, to force it upon him.

Tyga is basically choking on Ryland's dick, gagging and sputtering around the thick cock in his mouth.

Ryland is making loud groans but the slapping of his skin against Tyga's face is louder. He thrusts quick and hard a few more times, Tyga still trying to get away from Ryland. It doesn't take long for the cop to come, the roughness of the act getting him off. He comes hard, right down Tyga's throat. Ryland pulls away and the boys spitting out the come that didn't travel down his troath, he's coughing and sputtering, gagging on the thick white substance.

Brendon wants to believe that it's all over, that their done but he knows that their not. Gabe didn't get a turn. Gabe releases Tyga's head and palms his cock while he moves around to the front of the boy, where Ryland had been previously standing. Ryland is tucking himself back into his pants, zipping up before he takes Gabe's previous spot, his hand resting on Tyga's shoulder.

Tyga is looking at Brendon, looking at him with wet eyes and swollen lips and a face that's asking for help. Brendon might consider helping him if he couldn't remember what Ryan's cries sounded like. What his 'Please, help me.' face looked like. Brendon flicks his eyes away from Tyga's face and he looks at Gabe instead.

The tall man has his cock out, it's long and thicker than Ryland's. Gabe also doesn't wait around, he knows that the boy knows the rules, that if he hurts Gabe than he's dead meat. He very ungracefully shoves his thick length into Tyga's mouth. Gabe makes a loud noise and his own hand instantly comes up to cup the teen's head, hold him close, maybe not as close as Ryland had done but still too close.

Tyga's having more trouble with Gabe's cock. He's seems spent, his mouth used and his once firey will broken. He's given up on fighting, allowing the man to use his mouth. Gabe thrusts hard and deep into Tyga. He's muttering things in broken spanish, things only Gabe can understand. Brendon feels the slightest of twitches in his dick, but he wills himself not to get hard in this situation.

Gabe grunts and rolls his hips, it seems like he's not going to last much longer either. He's still swearing and mumbling in spanish, large hand holding on to Tyga's scalp. Gabe pulls back sooner than Brendon or Tyga expected. His cock is still hard and leaking. Brendon watches as Gabe runs his hand over his own cock, tugging and pulling, jerking himself off.

Tyga watches, confusion lit in his eyes. Brendon knows what he's going to do though, he knows. Gabe swears loud and freezes, he's coming in thick spurts of pearly white all over Tyga's dark skin. In the back of Brendon's mind he thinks that they'll probably have to clean Tyga up before he gets taken to jail.

Gabe laughs, breathless as he tucks himself back in, zipping up his pants the way Ryland had done. Tyga is slumped on his knees, his head dropped down and come still sticky on his cheeks, lips, and chin. "Tell Travis I said hello." Gabe says to Tyga before he moves back gracefully over to where Brendon is standing, his eyes warm when he's looking at Brendon.

"That was for you." He whispers against Brendon's ear. The younger boy shudders, he just wants this night to be over.

Ryland is still behind Tyga but he circles around the boy until he's standing in front of him. He reaches out and tips Tyga's head up, for a brief moment Brendon is afraid that they're going to repeat the process but Ryland's hand leaves Tyga's face as soon as his head is tipped up. So their eyes meet.

"lets try this whole thing again, shall we?" Ryland asks, he's holding the black tape recorder from earlier. "All you have to do is admit that you murdered Brent Wilson and officer Tom over there." Ryland states with a flick of his head, motioning back to where Tom's body still lies.

Tyga is silent and when he does speak his voice is raw and broken. "If...if I don't...You'll kill me?" Tyga asks. Brendon's sure that the boy knows the anwser, he knows but he's asking anyway. The cop nods, he's grinning and yeah, he's far gone on the wrong side of the law. Brendon can hardly believe that he's on that same side too.

"We're also not opposed to fucking the information out of you. I bet you're tight as fuck." Ryland says quietly and Tyga frowns and drops his head. There's silence, a lose, lose situation. The kid can't win and Brendon suddenly wants it all to stop. This is revenge for what Travis did to Ryan but the fucked up part is that it's not Travis who's suffering, it's a kid whose worst crime was being in the wrong place at the wrong time, and knowing the wrong people.

"Okay..." Tyga mutters out, his voice is still raw and broken. Brendon wants to call it off but he can't. It's his opportunity for a second chance, for a way to make his life better. He has Nate and he has Ryan and Spencer, he's trying to stop the drugs and he can be good again, if he really tries.

Hell, he's sinned so much, what's one more thing to add to the list?

"Okay." Ryland echoes. "When I nod just say exactly what I told you to and hey, maybe we'll make them go easy on you." The cop says with a grim bark of a laugh. Tyga nods, he sits there a broken man, he broke a little quicker than Brendon thought, compared to the way he was fighting earlier, he thought he'd put up more of a fight.

Ryland presses a button on the recorder, a small red light shining off of it. He wait's a moment, silence that will most likely wind up as static on the tape. Tyga is watching him and after a few beats Ryland nods and Tyga starts talking.

"I shot and killed Brent Wilson, it was me." His voice is weak, stripped of all confidence and pride. Ryland and Gabe had ultimately won. Ryland nods at him and Tyga continues. "I also killed officer Tom Higgenson." He adds, his eyes flickering to the dead body.

Brendon listens as Tyga speaks the lines that were meant for him. Not the Tom part but the Brent part, that was meant for him. He was supposed to be saying that but he's not, he can't bring himself to do it.

"It was me." Tyga finishes weakly. Ryland nods and presses another button, the red light dying away. Ryland leans down and grabs a hold of Tyga's shoulder, pulling him up to his feet. The dark skinned boy wobbles slightly but stays standing. White stains still on his face. The cop drags Tyga's shirt up, high enough for him to be able to wipe the come off Tyga's face with the bottom of the oversized shirt.

Brendon thinks that Tyga's wrists must be killing him by now, the metal cuffs still pressed into the soft skin there. Ryland leads him back to the cop car, the back door still propped open. Tyga allows himself to be pushed into the backseat, Ryland pushing the back door closed with his hip.

Gabe links his arm with Brendon and pulls the boy around to the passenger side of his white sports car. "Come on Bren, time to go home." Gabe says softly, he opens the door for Brendon and the younger boy slides into the fancy car. From his postion he can see Tyga slumped in the backseat, head against the metal grate that seperated the front seat from the back. Gabe's windows are tinted, Tyga won't be able to see him.

Ryland and Gabe talk, far away enough for Brendon not to be able to hear. They shake hands after a moment before they part, Gabe heading back to his car and Ryland is hovering around the drivers side of the car, staring down at the ground.

It takes Brendon a moment to realize that he's staring at Tom's body strewn on the ground. Brendon raises in his seat a bit as Gabe climbs in the car. Brendon see's Ryland bend and move Tom's body lightly, settling him on to the ground. Crimson blood leaked out around the dusted earth.

Ryland settles into the cop car, throwing a glance to the empty seat next to him. Brendon can see him handling the radio in the cop car, probably reporting that officer Higgenson was shot down. Gabe starts his car up and pulls away fast, dust kicking up around them. He's driving on the long stretch of road.

Brendon stares back in his rearview mirror, watching as Ryland too starts up and pulls away, follows Gabe until they'll probably split somewhere along the city limits. Brendon stares back, past the police car and to the lonely body they left in the desert.

The dark night enveloping them all.


chapter thirty three: Make Up And Make Out

Gabe drops him off outside his house, telling the younger boy that he owes him, bigger than any other favor he's ever done before. Brendon nods and climb's out of the car, he doesn't know what he'll one day have to do for Gabe and he doesn't really want to know.

Brendon's car is back in the driveway and the lights are on in the house. As soon as Gabe's car squeals away the front door is pulled open and a figure is rushing out on to the porch. It's too tall to be Nate and too short to be Ryan so Brendon hurries up to the door because fuck, Spencer is standing on the porch.

"Brendon...where were you?" Spencer half shouts and Brendon's eyes widen before he moves up and shoves Spencer back into the house, his eyes scanning the driveway. Spencer looks half shocked and maybe a little scared. Brendon probably shouldn't have shoved him.

"Spencer! Why would you come outside? Jon could see." Brendon tells him in a quick hushed breath. Spencer recovers quickly as Brendon shut's the door.

"He's sleeping I think." The younger boy replies. "But anwser me...where were you?" He says, he steps forward as Brendon scrub's a hand across his face. Brendon's sure his knee's are dirty, his wrist's have bruises from when he was handcuffed. Brendon guesses that Spencer caught sight of his bruised wrist's because now he's touching the underside, gently tipping the older boy's hand palm up, finger's running over bruises. "And how'd you get these?"

Brendon looks up at Spencer's expectant face, at how intently the younger boy is staring at him. Brendon jerk's his wrist away and takes a few casual steps back. "Where's Nate?" He's asking and Spencer looks towards the window.

"He's out looking for you." Spencer replies and he moves forward again, his hand on Brendon's shoulder. "What happened tonight?"

"Why do you care Spencer?" Brendon snap's, he doesn't mean to, he knows that Spencer is skiddish. Spencer doesn't shy away though, his eyes grow hard and he glares at Brendon.

"Because I was worried about you!" He says suddenly and their close, closer than they've ever been before, closer than they should be. Their staring at each other and it's just as sudden when Spencer kisses him. It's all soft and light and Spencer smell's really, really good.

Brendon pulls away though because Nate, Nate his boyfriend whose worried about him, his boyfriend that he should probably call. The two boy's pull away and Spencer is looking at him with wide eyes. "I-Uh-I'm going to call Nate." Brendon tells the younger boy before he moves to the table and grab's up his cell phone, dialing his boyfriend.

It takes Brendon five minutes to convince Nate that yes, he really is alright and to come up with the story that William had come and picked him up to hang out. Nate still sound's pissed but also relieved that Brendon is actually okay so he tells him he's coming over.

When Brendon's off the phone Spencer is still standing in the living room, watching Brendon with scared eyes, his arms wrapped around himself in his typical kicked puppy fashion. The older boy just wants to ignore that the kiss every happened, call it a momentary laspe of judgement on Spencer's part and forget all about it. "I'm sorry." Spencer says moments later and Brendon sighs, apparently this is one subject that won't be dropped so easily.

"It's fine." Brendon tells him and he has to keep in mind that Spencer is used to a relationship, is used to the notion that even looking at another guy is enough to get a few slap's, that he has to be a one guy-man. Brendon's used to getting kissed by people who aren't Nate, Gabe for example. It doesn't bother him and he's not going to tell Nate so why bother with this conversation at all?

Spencer perches himself on the arm of the chair and slip's his hands into his hoodie pocket's. "It's not okay. I shouldn't have done it." He says and Brendon sighs.

"I told you it's not a big deal." Brendon is hoping that that will end the discussion.

"It's just that you've been so nice to me..Nate too and you let me stay here. You basically saved my life Brendon. And I don't want to ruin that, I just got carried away." Spencer is looking at him and Brendon looks back. There's a small silence between the two of them before Brendon speaks.

"Look, I'm not going to kick you out or anything. You're allowed to stay here for as long as you like Spencer." The younger boy smiles at that, light and easy and maybe finally, finally he's breaking away from Jon's spell over him.

"Oh! Brendon!" Spencer starts suddenly and Brendon looks up surprised. "It's Ryan. He did something great today." The boy continues.

"What'd he do?" The older of the two says. He's generally interested in what Ryan did because it's Ryan, his Ryan.

"He talked today without his stutter." Spencer informs him and Brendon grins, a ridiculously big grin, the kind that Ryan used to make fun of. "It wasn't too much, just a few simple sentences you know? But he did it and I think he knew he did...he was really happy." The younger boy tells him and it reminds Brendon of a overly proud parent.

"So I guess he really is getting better." Brendon states and it only serves to make him feel guilty, like he should've done what Spencer did. Spencer nods and before much else can be said the front door open's and Nate is striding in, his gaze locked on Brendon's.

"Am I in trouble baby?" Brendon asks, flashing a grin at his boyfriend. Nate frowns for a split second before he grins and moves over behind the couch. Brendon drops his head back against the couch, staring up at his boyfriend.

"You're lucky you're so cute or I'd be pissed." Nate teases before he leans down and kisses Brendon, hot and wet, Spencer watching with interested eyes.

"Bed?" Brendon asks.

"Bed." Nate anwsers and Brendon stands and snuggles himself against Nate, willing himself to forget all about tonight event's. "Night Spencer." Nate says with a wave and Brendon echoes the statement, allowing Nate to lead him to the bed.

Spencer replies a good night and sits in the living room alone. Ryan is asleep and those two will be fucking like bunnies in no time, something that Spencer doesn't really need to hear. He's been feeling kind of alone as of late, not that he isn't glad that he got away from Jon, it's just that now he has no one. Maybe that's the reason he kissed Brendon tonight, because he's been feeling so alone. It certainly doesn't help that he can hear Brendon and Nate fucking occasionally and that he found Nate's porn dvd. It's all leaving him horribly sexually frustrated as of late.

He goes to bed, or at least tries to moment's later, laying in the dark and trying hard not to listen to the sound's floating around from the backroom or how his dick is twitching. Spencer fall's asleep not long after that but he's woken up what feels like moments later but could've been hours by a body warm on top of his.

Spencer's first thought is 'Fuck, Jon!' and he's afraid that his older boyfriend finally found him. But the body is too small to be Jon so he thinks Brendon? But his eyes flicker open and he's staring at the soft face of Ryan above him. "Ry? Ryan, what are you doing?" Spencer is asking, trying his best to ignore the way Ryan's body feels so warm pressed tight against him.

"Brendon and Nate love each other?" Ryan asks curiously, or maybe he's stating, Spencer still isn't sure.

"Yeah, Ryan, Brendon and Nate are in love." Spencer is mortified by the fact that he's still hard, straining against his jean's. Ryan smiles.

"Ryan and Spencer are in love." Ryan tells him with a smile and Spencer can only look confused before Ryan leans down and kisses him, light and awkward like he doesn't know what he's doing but he can remember it, remember it from before the brain damage. Spencer's been wondering if Ryan and Brendon ever fooled around when Ryan was normal, he just hasn't been brave enough to ask.

This is all a little wrong, Ryan is like a child, innocent and isn't it fucking wrong if he lets this happen? Ryan doesn't really know what he's doing does he? Spencer might be lonely but can he really take advantage of someone like Ryan? Ryan slides his tongue along Spencer's bottom lip and the younger boy can't, he can't do this.

"Ry, Ryan, stop." Spencer tells him, his hands finding Ryan's chest and pushing him back lightly. Ryan moves back and looks at the older boy confused.

"Spencer, no love Ryan?" Ryan asks, his eyes wide and slightly watery. Spencer pushes up, reaches up and lays his hand on the older boy's shoulder.

"Spencer loves Ryan but in a different way." Spencer tells him and he doesn't expect Ryan to understand, knows the boy won't get it but hopefully his feelings won't get hurt. Ryan seems to understand and he smiles and nods.

"Can Ryan sleep out here with you?" Ryan asks quietly and Spencer smiles and nods. Lay's back on the couch as Ryan curls up around him to sleep, Spencer's hands wrapping around the small of Ryan's back protectively.

Brendon was still awake after he and Nate fucked. It looked like sex wasn't going to be enough to ease his thought heavy mind into sleep. He laid awake thinking about Tyga and Ryland, Tom and Gabe, and Ryan. What if Ryan did get better? What if he could be okay again? Things would change and maybe Brendon could apologize for fighting with him the night of his accident.

Thinking of Ryan leads Brendon to other things, to about how he and Ryan used to fool around. About when he used to hold Ryan down and fuck him into the mattress, hard, until the older boy would scream. About how Ryan used to like to wake Brendon up with blowjob's in the middle of the night and Ryan would smell and taste like other guys' but Brendon wouldn't care.

Brendon won't lie, sometimes he misses those things, kissing Ryan and them fucking but he has Nate now and he love's Nate and he doesn't think that the older boy becoming right again can change that.


chapter thirty four: We Tend To Die Young

Brendon hears the loud air shattering snap late into the night. Maybe if he wasn't so used to the sound it wouldn't have woke him up. It's the same sound he heard that night, the same sound that play's in his head when he thinks about the day Brent died. It's a gunshot.

It sound's close to the house and Brendon's first thought is that Travis or someone figured out what happened and they're taking their revenge by performing a drive by on Brendon's house. The boy sat up in bed, sweating hard and he looked over at Nate who didn't seem to be at all disturbed by the noise. Brendon eases himself out of bed and moves silently down the hall, making sure everything in the house is alright.

It's dark in the living room but the light from the kitchen keeps it lit enough for Brendon to see. The boy moves behind the couch, toward's the window when a light voice makes him jump. "Brendon? Is that you?" It's Spencer and Brendon can see him sitting up and peering at him from the couch.

"Yeah, Spence, did you hear that too?" Brendon question's and he see's Spencer nod.

"It sounded like it came from outside." Spencer tells him and it's Brendon's turn to nod.

"I was just about to check." Brendon replies, Spencer crawls over what looks to be Ryan and Brendon will have to remember to ask about that later. Spencer follows Brendon to the door, the older of the two pulling it open and peering outside. This might not be the smartest move but Brendon moves out on the small cement porch, followed by Spencer.

There's nothing to be found outside, no car's, no people, nothing. Maybe the gun shot was from somewhere else and just echoed around here. "I wonder where it came from." Spencer breathes out quietly. "It sounded so close." He adds. Brendon nods.

"I know..it sounded like it came from right next door." The older boy states. He's not thinking about the words and they hang heavy in the air when suddenly Spencer gasps and Brendon looks back at him alarmed. Spencer is looking at him with big wide blue eyes. "What's wrong Spence?" He asks.

"Jon...Jon's house." Spencer states and he's off the porch and running across the damp yard before Brendon can get a hand on him. He too hop's off the porch and he's chasing after the younger boy. The gun shot did sound close but come on, it seems too unlikely that it came from Jon's house and if Spencer is wrong and Jon see's them together..there's sure to be hell to pay.

Brendon catches up with Spencer when he's on Jon's porch, his hand tight on the boy's shoulder. "What are you doing Spence?" He rushes out in a hushed tone. Spencer ignores him and his hand is on the doorknob, turning and finding it unlocked. "If Jon see's us together, we're fucked!" Brendon tries to convince the younger boy but Spencer pushes the door open and just as quick slips inside.

"Jon? Jon?" He call's out apparently uncaring if either of them get caught. The front rooms of the house are pitch dark and Brendon trip's over garbage as he tries to catch up with Spencer. The house isn't all dark though, the barest hint of buttery light is pouring out onto the long wooden hallway, persumably coming from the bedroom door.

"Spencer...I think we should get out of here!" Brendon whispers as he keep's his eyes peeled for the lumbering mass of anger that is Jon Walker. Again Spencer blows him off and continues down the narrow hallway, heading toward's the light. Brendon knows this whole thing is a bad idea, that Jon is sleeping and when he wake's up Brendon and Spencer are going to be nothing but broken piles.

Spencer gets to the his old bedroom door and pulls it open. "Jon?" He tries softly and Spencer stands there at the end of the hall, bathed in golden light and he screams. It's the kind of scream you hear in horror movies or in dramas, those truly heart wrenching screams that make your soul ache.

Spencer screams and rushes into the room and Brendon follows.

What he finds there is something he never expected. Jon's on the bed, laying back, eyes closed and a black framed photo slack in one hand, a gun in the other, a bullet wound marring his head.

Spencer too is on the bed, bent over Jon and still screaming. He's crying, his icy blue eyes filled with anguish. His hands are on his ex-boyfriend, on his face tilting it and talking to him. "Jon? Jon? No, no, please...Jon please." Spencer shakes him but the older boy is limp, is already dead.

Brendon stands there with his heart dropped to his feet. He doesn't know what to do, he doesn't feel like he belongs here, he shouldn't be seeing this moment. Spencer's dropped down, his head on Jon's shoulder, red blood staining the grey sheets and white pillows. It's a random thing to notice but it's then that Brendon notices that Jon is still wearing the same thing he had earlier that day, before Brendon had called Tyga.

Brendon also recalls the words that Jon had said. How he had claimed that he knew Spencer would never come back to him, that he wasn't someone worth coming back to. How Brendon had said to see him later and all Jon had done was say goodbye. Maybe Brendon should've seen this coming.

"Why did you do this Jon? You...you could've gotten better, we...we could've been together again." Spencer's hands are on Jon's cheeks, their faces pressed close together.

"Spencer..." Brendon starts but he stops just as quickly, he doesn't know what to say, what he can say. Spencer pulls up and away from Jon. He's kneeling on the bed and his eyes are trained to the photo in Jon's hand. Spencer takes it and studies it for a brief moment. Brendon doesn't know what it is, but he's guessing that it's one of Spencer. The younger boy pulls a face and throws the frame against the wall, the frame hitting and promptly shattering, the frame sliding down the wall and turning face up to Brendon.

He was right, the photo was one of Spencer and Jon together. They look like their on the beach or something, Jon's arms wrapped around Spencer and his face pressed into Spencer's neck, while the younger boy was smiling and actually looking at the camera.

"I didn't think...I didn't think he would do this!" Spencer cries out and now he's looking at Brendon, staring at him with frantic eyes. Brendon knows that no matter what the boy said and no matter how glad he was to get away from Jon, it's more than obvious that Spencer still loved him. Spencer was still in love with Jon. That he still had faith that the two of them would get back together someday.

"Spencer...before I left with William last night..I ran into Jon and he told me that he knew you'd never come back to him, that he wasn't something worth coming back to." Brendon spills and he feels like he can't catch his breath. He's constantly wondering why death decides to slide so close to him, to make it's home right beside him, Brendon and death meeting on an all too frequent basis.

Spencer looks up at Brendon, tear stained blue eyes. "What?" Brendon thinks that maybe Spencer isn't really contemplating anything, can only focus on Jon's body laid out before them. Brendon repeats what he said, quieter, Spencer probably straining to hear, but Brendon knows that he does hear. The younger boy blinks away the fresh tears forming in his eyes.

"So, it's my fault..." He says just as quietly, body bowed forward and his eyes on Jon's limp hand. Brendon feels his heart clench.

"No, that's not what I meant." He doesn't want Spencer to think that, even if the boy isn't implying that Brendon is placing the blame squarely on Spencer. The younger boy sniffs and takes Jon's hand in both of his, bringing it up and resting it against his chest.

"I shouldn't have left...I shouldn't have left him and this wouldn't have happened..." Spencer's tears slip down his rounded cheek's, the tears slipping down on to Jon's quickly paling skin.

"Spence, Jon was in a bad way...he was fucked up." Brendon's trying to reason, to make Spencer see that it's not his fault that Jon killed himself. Spencer shakes his head.

"No, he wasn't when I met him..he was happy and he had a good life." The boy croak's out, his voice is breaking and his eyes are anywhere but on Brendon and Jon. "I ruined his life. I made him miserable, it was all my fault...it should be me..." Spencer's voice is growing more and more hysteric and it's killing Brendon to hear Spencer talk like this, to hear him wish that he were dead instead of his boyfriend.

"Spencer, I think we should call someone...police or something..." Brendon suggests, the cops are really the last people he want to see tonight, they shouldn't even really be here. How can they explain why they're here? Why Spencer was staying with Brendon? Fuck, cops also seemed to be a permanent fixture in his life.

Spencer whip's his head up, eye's burning into Brendon's. "Tell me it's all a dream Brendon..." He says and Brendon takes another step forward. "Please, tell me it's all a dream..that I'm sleeping and when I wake up I'll still be in high school and he'll still be with me." Spencer is pleading with Brendon, like the older boy can actually make it all happen, like he can take it all away and allow the younger boy to do it all again.

"Spencer..." Brendon starts but the boy shakes his head, drops down next to Jon, laying in Jon's blood, his face pressed against the dead boy's neck. He's shaking, desperate eyes closed and he's crying again, pleading.

"Please, give me him back...please...someone tell me this isn't happening." His voice is rising steadily with each step Brendon takes. "Jon, please! Wake up...please, don't leave me all alone..." Spencer's hands clench in the fabric of Jon's longsleeved shirt. "You promised!" He's yelling now, pouring out everything he's ever wanted to say to his boyfriend, every word he wishes he could still say.

"You promised you'd love me no matter what! You promised we'd be together forever! So, how? How can you leave me Jon?" Spencer's cries are filled with anguish, his finger's tangled in Jon's shirt, begging anwsers from the boy, anwsers Jon can never give.

Brendon reaches out for Spencer, hand sliding on the younger boy's shoulder. Spencer doesn't shrug him off, doesn't look at him or say anything at all. "Come on, Spencer. Lets go home." Brendon insists, hand wrapping around the younger boy's arm, pulling at him lightly.

"This is my home...this is where I belong. With him." Spencer chokes out soft and he's still clutching Jon. Brendon shakes his head despite the fact that Spencer isn't looking at him.

"You belong with me..and with Ryan. That's your home." Brendon insists and he tug's just a little bit firmer. Spencer's hands slack in the material of Jon's shirt but he doesn't get up, he's still crying but Brendon really can't blame him. Jon was more or less the love of Spencer's life despite all his flaws and now, now that was all gone from the boy. Jon was gone.

Brendon pulls again and this time, this time Spencer lifts up a bit. He doesn't get off the bed, leaning over Jon instead. Brendon can see the dark crimson of Jon's blood staining Spencer's shoulders. Spencer leans in close to Jon's face, so close that normally their breaths would be mingling together.

"Jon, you hurt me so much. I loved you and you hurt me. And...and it pisses me off that I'll never get to hear you apologize for that. I don't understand your motives, your thoughts and now I never will. I just wanted to be with you, I just wanted to be your everything, all that mattered but I never was. Jon, god, I wish I was. I wish you didn't do this...I wish we had more time." Spencer runs his hand along Jon's cheek.

"God, your still warm.." He tears up but continues. "I wish I would've said this before...I wish we could've worked this out. I wish a lot of fucking things...but...but mostly I just wish that you loved me like you used to. You were horrible to me in the end but I still loved you." He removes his hand.

"I still do." Spencer finishes and he leans in, crying silent tears and he kisses Jon's still warm lips. He lingers there for a few beat's before he's turning, facing Brendon but not looking at him and slipping off the bed. As soon as Spencer's feet hit the floor he's clinging to Brendon, burrying his face in the older boy's neck. He's crying once again.

All Brendon can do is hold him close, sooth him, it's all he can do. He walks them backwards before Spencer pulls away, head bowed, he's going out of the room with no final glance. Brendon's sure that this isn't the way Spencer wants to remember Jon, that the boy wants to remember him from when they first met, maybe from that photo at the beach.

Brendon does look back at Jon's corpse though and he can't help but think that Jon finally looks at peace.


chapter thirty five: Accepting Calls From Strangers

Brendon was the one who ended up calling the police. Only after he had taken Spencer back to the house, the boy collasping on the end of the couch that Ryan's small form wasn't currently occupying. Nate had awoken from the sound's of them returning, from Spencer's broken sob's and sniffles.

He padded out softly and peered at the two now awake boys. "Why are we all awake?" He asks, voice weak and his eyes bleary, hair rumpled from sex and sleep. Spencer isn't anwsering, isn't even looking at Nate, he's just sitting there blank and silent, blue eyes rimmed red.

Brendon moves forward and places his hand on his shorter boyfriends shoulder, leading him into the kitchen, away from Spencer. He explains to Nate what happened, what the two of them saw at Jon's place. Nate looks shocked and then his face softens, shows pain for Spencer and he's leaning against Brendon, whispering. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Just watch him for me." Brendon whispers back before he places a quick kiss on Nate's temple, heading away to grab his cell phone.

The ambulance and police showed up almost twenty minutes later. Brendon was outside talking to them, standing on his front lawn in boxers and a t-shirt. He didn't know why he was expecting Ryland to show up here, he didn't of course but Brendon was half expecting him to. Instead it was a small group of cops and an ambulance, it's blue and red lights flashing in the early hours of twilight.

They bring Spencer out too since his name was on the lease to the house or something like that. A police officer is talking to him, Spencer once again small and wrapped around himself. Brendon feels like any and all progress that the boy had made is now gone, reverted back to the boy he had been when Brendon first met him.

Ryan is awake now too but Nate's keeping him busy in the house so he won't run out and bother them.

Brendon tells the cops the little information that he actually knows, how long he's known Spencer and Jon, why the younger boy was staying with him, when they found Jon's body and if they had moved anything. He doesn't actually seem to help all that much but the cop still claps him on the shoulder and thanks him for his cooperation.

They wheel out Jon's body at five in the morning. Spencer watches as they put him in the back of the ambulance, intent on taking him to the morgue or whever they take bodies. Spencer comes over to Brendon and the older boy wraps his arms around Spencer, holding him close. They ask Spencer about the house, about what he wants to do with it and about people in Jon's family they can contact, funeral arrangments. Brendon doesn't think Spencer can handle this right now but the younger boy tells them about Jon's parents, rattles off their phone number and tells him to tell them to make the funeral arrangments.

The police don't leave till six-thirty in the morning but they're done with Brendon and Spencer around five-fifteen. Brendon leads Spencer inside, tells him not to worry because the cops will take care of everything. That Spencer doesn't have to think about things tonight, all he has to do is go to sleep.

Spencer does fall asleep twenty minutes later, Ryan too but back in his own room instead of on the couch. Nate takes Brendon's hand and leads him back to the bedroom, whispers that Spencer will be okay for the night. Nate fall's asleep quickly, his body wrapped around Brendon but sleep won't come to Brendon. He's awake, laying in the semi-darkness and trying not to picture Jon.

Spencer wakes up late in the afternoon, he's awake but he's not getting up, laying facing the beaten up couch and trying so hard not to think about Jon. It doesn't matter how long he tries not to think about it, the memories of last night haunt his mind constantly, replaying again and again like a hellish movie. He feels so numb, like none of it is real but he knows all of it is. The horrible pain that Jon is never coming back, that the two of them are never going to be together again. It's enough to make fresh tears come to Spencer's eyes.

The boy is so wrapped up in his thoughts, in his pain and misery that he doesn't hear the soft footsteps or see Ryan standing at the end of the couch, peering at him. Spencer makes a choking sobbing noise that Ryan must take as a sign that he's awake because he's leaning over Spencer, his innocent face upside down and looking down at Spencer.

"Spencer awake?" He asks, his voice soft and curious. Spencer turns just a bit, not feeling up to even pretending to be happy for Ryan's sake. He's looking up at Ryan's smiling face and warm childlike eyes.

"Yeah, Ry. I'm awake." The younger of the two boys replies as he sits up, Ryan backing away so they don't whack their foreheads. Spencer's body hurts, everything on him hurts, a deep aching pain that won't go away, ripping it's way through Spencer's body and settling itself in the boy's chest.

Spencer finds it so damn ironic that even in the final act of his life, Jon could manage to hurt him so deep. Maybe that's why he did it, because he knew how badly it would hurt Spencer. Ryan moves and sits on the opposite end of the couch folding his long leg's up to match Spencer.

Ryan is just watching him, brown eyes deep and searching and Spencer isn't looking away.

"Spencer sad?" Ryan question's, long thin fingers playing with the ends of his brown bangs. Spencer almost wants to laugh, he's so far beyond sad that he's sure that there need's to be a new word to describe what he's feeling. Spencer just nods though, tries to keep it all simple for Ryan.

"Yeah, Spencer sad."

"Why?" Ryan asks again, his stutter all but gone. This one is harder to explain, he doesn't know what to say. How to explain death to someone like Ryan. He thinks that maybe he should just go and get Brendon, let him handle this but he doesn't really want to do that to the older boy, not after the way Brendon handled last night so well.

"Someone...someone that Spencer loved very much died last night." Spencer finally settles on that, hoping that at least Ryan can comprehend the concept of death. Ryan's soft face pulls into a frown and he wrinkles his forehead before looking at Spencer.

"Died?" He asks and Spencer just nods.

"Yeah, like, went to heaven." He explains and Ryan's eyes lighten a bit, like, he finally gets what Spencer is telling him.

"Who?" Ryan starts and Spencer wonders if the boy has always been this curious or if this is a new development. Spencer doesn't say anything so Ryan takes that as a sign to continue talking. "Who went to heaven Spencer?" He asks again, voice small and wondering.

Spencer sighs and runs a hand through his hair. He doesn't want to do this, doesn't want to have this conversation. At the same time he knows that Ryan deserves an anwser to his question.

"My friend...my friend Jon." It nearly kill's Spencer to say his name, to think about it all over again. Every memory and moment fresh in his mind and he can feel that aching pain in his chest start it's havoc all over again. Ryan looks like he's thinking, maybe wondering if he knows anyone named Jon. He doesn't, Spencer doesn't think Ryan ever met Jon when he was normal.

Ryan gets up off the couch suddenly, padding across the hardwood floor and moving to his room, the door open. Spencer doesn't question him, just lets him do what he wants. Ryan returns moments later, a beaten up looking picture book clasped tightly in his hands. He doesn't go back to the couch, instead he sinks to his knees on the floor beside Spencer, sitting back on his heel's and eyeing the younger boy with those big brown eyes.

He holds the book up and open, two pages revealing a scene for Spencer. It's obviously a child's book, something that Brendon probably had or picked up for Ryan. The picture is that of a depiction of heaven. All white clouds and chubby little angels with long white wings and golden horns.

"See, Spencer?" Ryan asks, his nimble fingers tapping against the page. "See heaven?" He asks and Spencer nods not quite following Ryan's train of thought, maybe he's just trying to make the boy feel better. "Angels, Spencer." Ryan points one out, a blonde one that looks like it's laughing. "See, like Jon." He adds and Spencer's heart clenches tight in his chest.

Ryan is trying to make Spencer feel better, trying to show him that Jon is an angel, like the ones in his book. Spencer smiles sadly thankful that Ryan can't tell the difference. "That's nice Ry." Spencer tells him, hands slipping to Ryan's arms and tugging on the older boy, pulling him up and in for a hug. 'Thank you." He adds, hands patting Ryan's back.

Ryan slips away and is grinning and Spencer stands prepares to make breakfast. He really, really wishes that he could be as naiive as Ryan, he wishes that he could believe that Jon was actually an angel.

Brendon wakes up after everyone else has. Nate gone from the bed and the smells of food wafting through the house. He doesn't feel any better now then he did when he went to sleep last night. He wanders out of bed heading into the living room to check on Spencer, he's only half surprised to find the younger boy in the kitchen.

Nate and Ryan are at the table. Ryan flipping through a book and pointing things out to Nate, who is paying a reasonable amount of attention to the boy. Spencer turns and sees Brendon standing on the outskirts of the kitchen, bleary eyed and rumpled.

"You didn't have to cook breakfast." Brendon says as a good morning, going and getting himself coffee.

"It takes my mind off things." Spencer replies flipping what looks to be pancakes. Brendon can't argue with that, whatever Spencer need's to do it's fine with him.

Brendon is three quarters into the way of eating his second pancake when his cell phone starts to go off. He's been carrying it on him all day because he gave his number to the cops incase they wanted to contact Spencer. He anwsers it with the younger boy watching him, Nate too but he looks more worried than anything else. On the phone is a man's voice, one that sounds slightly familar but at the same time Brendon's sure he's never heard it and the number is just as unfamilar.

"I'm..I'm looking for Spencer Smith...is this him?" The man asks, Brendon shakes his head despite the fact that the person on the phone cannot see him.

"No, I'm Brendon...but um, hang on and I'll get him for you." Brendon tells the man who makes a noise of slight annoyance and agreement. Brendon pulls the phone away and hands it out for Spencer whose been watching him since he anwsered the phone. "It's for you." He says, Spencer mouths the word 'Who?' Brendon shrugs, he knows he's being unhelpful but Spencer takes the phone anyway.

Brendon can only hear one side of the conversation but it doesn't matter because it's not any of his business anyway. Nate is watching the boy too and Ryan is alternating his gaze between Spencer and the book he has propped open on the table. Spencer is looking worried, leaning against the kitchen counter, his one hand resting on the counter.

"Is this Spencer Smith?" The man asks.

"Um, yeah, it is." Spencer says, phone pressed tight to his ear.

"This is Mr.Walker, Spencer." The man says Spencer's eyes widen drastically.

"I-I..how'd you get this number?" He asks.

"The police gave it to me Mr.Smith." Spencer notices that Jon's father's voice is tight like he'd rather not talk to him at all. "But I would like to know if you were with Jonathan when it happened?" His father asks.

"I...no, I wasn't with him." He says quietly. Spencer is worried that Jon's father is planning on trying to blame Jon's death on Spencer, as if it were Spencer that had murdered him. He opens his mouth to say something but he doesn't get the chance because Jon's dad speaks first.

"Listen Spencer, we want you to handle Jonathan's funeral." He states and it's too calm, too damn calm for a man who just lost his son.

"What? Mr.Walker..no, no, I don't want to do it. I told the police that you can handle all that stuff." Spencer tries to stop Mr.Walker but Jon's dad pushes on.

"We don't want to be a part of it. Jonathan went down a dark path and we lost him. He wasn't our son, we want nothing to do with his funeral." Jon's dad says firmly and Spencer cannot believe it.

Nate looks at Brendon with worried brown eyes. Brendon is beginning to worry too. Spencer is quiet for a few moments before his face falls, his eyes showing outrage.

"He-He was your son! He loved you all so much and you turned your back on him! It's your fault that this happened to him! Losing your support was what made him so miserable! Do you even have any idea what he resorted to?" Spencer yells into the phone. Jon's dad makes a noise but doesn't say anything.

"He beat me! Jon beat the shit out of me on a daily basis because of you! He would've been okay if you could've just accepted him! He'd still be here and he'd be okay! You...your family are monsters! And I honestly can't believe someone as amazing as Jon had even come from your family!" Spencer is breaking down into tears, screaming and Ryan is looking at him with big scared brown eyes. Brendon and Nate watching too.

"We don't want anything to do with his funeral. He is not our son anymore, this is your problem now Mr.Smith, Not our's, not anymore." Jon's dad says firm and with an air of finality before he hangs up on Spencer. The boy can't believe this, cannot believe the way Jon's family is acting, they don't even want to say goodbye? Don't want to see him one last time?

With shaking hands Spencer hangs up the phone and it takes everything the boy has to not throw the phone across the room. He probably would if it weren't Brendon's cell phone. He sets the cell down on the counter and strides back through the kitchen, eyes watering. He ignores Brendon and Nate and even Ryan, choosing instead to move into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

Spencer allows himself a glance in the mirror, his eyes are red rimmed and his soft face is pulled down into an exaggerated frown. The boy leans against the bathroom door and sinks down slowly, slow until he lands on the floor, knees to his chest, and head cradled in his arms.

He can't believe this is happening to him, it's so unfair and he can't even begin to believe what Jon's father told him. Jon loved his family so much and he was heartbroken when they abandoned him. They were what made Jon bad, attributed to him losing himself and falling into the broken man he was at the end and now..now they want to pretend that Jon never existed? Turn him into a family secret, it was infuriating.

What's worse is that Spencer was prepared to let go, to let Jon's family take his body, take everything and Spencer could at least start to move on, to start all over again. But now it all falls on Spencer, he's the one who has to plan the funeral, bury Jon in the ground and he can't, he can't do it but he knows that he has to because no one else will.



chapter thirty-six: Revenge For Ryan [part one]

Brendon's never been to a funeral before. He's never had to go to one, he remember's when his grandmother died, he was eight year's old but he didn't go. He didn't go because his father said no, that no one would be going so, Brendon's never been to a funeral but that's still where he is now.

He's at Jon's funeral, standing with his hands clasped together, wearing a stuffy suit that Nate rented for him because Brendon doesn't actually own any suits. Nate's standing next to him, a solid picture of strength. He didn't know Jon but that doesn't stop him from mourning the fact that he died in such a sad way.

Ryan's there too but he doesn't really get it, his concept of death is skewed by his situation, by his little picture book with the angels and those Disney movies. Nate found Ryan a suit as well, secondhand but it still looks nice on the boy. Brendon hasn't seen Ryan in a suit since Ryan's dad's death, another funeral he didn't go to.

Of course Spencer is here, slightly shabby suit, Nate offered to get him a new one but the younger boy declined. Brendon might've overheard Spencer telling Nate that the suit he was wearing was the same one he had worn to his senior prom, the same prom where Jon had been his date, showing up wearing flip-flops and a dress shirt unbuttoned over a t-shirt. Nate says that Spencer smiled when he talked about it.

The boy isn't smiling now. Jon's dad wound up wiring Spencer some money. It was his last act as Jon's father, his last attempt at being a good father. That's how they paid for the thing, the casket, the spot where he was burried. At least Spencer had managed to find a preist who would perform the funeral for free. To Brendon's surprise the priest was that one guy..brother Gillespie, or Aaron, the priest that Brendon had met at the church after Pete's suicide attempt.

The boy wasn't sure if Aaron remembered him but he smiled and asked god to take good care of Jon, to keep him at peace. Spencer didn't cry at the funeral, just stood there with his jaw set tight, staring at the closed casket, it's black top shiny in the daylight.

Besides the four of them, five if you count brother Aaron, no one else came to the funeral. None of Jon's family, not his parents or his brothers, not his sister, not friends, absolutely no one else. Brendon expected this to happen but it didn't stop it from being sad.

He wonders about his own death one day, who will come to his funeral? Will Nate be standing there in a rented suit? Ryan will probably be there, maybe Spencer, William might show up, he'd probably drag Gabe along with him. Pete would probably stand in the back, not make his presence known to anyone. Travis would probably come back later and piss on Brendon's grave.

Spencer is ready to leave before they even lower Jon's casket into the ground. No one argues with him and they go home, brother Aaron the only one still at the burrial site, his ginger head bowed in prayer.

They're back home again, Spencer shedding out of his suit the second they hit the doorway. There's a for sale sign already in the yard of the house Spencer and Jon used to share. Brendon and Spencer had spent a good amount of the day before picking out things that Spencer wanted. He didn't want much, some clothes, a couple of pictures, a stash of money that he had hidden under one of the floorboards.

That was it, everything else was getting left behind. Taken by the company that owned the house, shipped somewhere that Spencer didn't want to know about. All of Spencer's posession's now rest in a box at the end of the sofa in Brendon's house.

Nate helps get Ryan changed and Brendon changes as well. Spencer asks for coffee but they don't actually have any left. Spencer offers to go pick some up but Brendon tells him that he'll go and get it instead, Spencer tells Brendon that he's going to the store with him.

That's where they are now, Brendon driving to the store with Spencer tucked safely in the passenger seat. The two of them are riding in silence, Spencer staring out the window. Brendon isn't saying anything, he's not sure what he should say to the boy, what is even okay to talk about on the day of your abusive ex-boyfriends funeral?

"I think I need to find a place of my own." Spencer says moments later. He turns away from the window to look at Brendon.

"You know you don't have to right? I have no problem with you staying at my place." Brendon hopes he hadn't been giving Spencer the impression that he wants him gone, nothing could be further from the truth. Spencer nods.

"I know that. It's just-" He fall's silent again, looking down at his knee's before he looks back at Brendon. "Living next to it...it's too hard." The younger boy finishes. Brendon knows what he means, the house, the memories, it must be driving Spencer crazy.

"Well," Brendon starts, changing lanes and heading down to the local market. "Just don't do anything rash okay? I don't really want you rushing into anything." Brendon doesn't think he should be trying to tell Spencer what to do, that's what Jon did.

Spencer smiles just a bit. "It's not like I would be out turning trick's on street corners Bren. If anything, I would go back to my mom's, she doesn't live too far from here." The blue eyed boy explains, Brendon's glad because maybe his mind would get away from him if Spencer just left and he'd surely be thinking the worse.

Brendon pulls into the parking lot of the market, trying to find a space in the crowded lot. Spencer is still smiling, little and warm. Brendon likes when Spencer smiles but now, now he's got this weird little feeling in his stomach when Spencer smiles, a feeling that's usually reserved purely for Nate. Despite everything that's happened Brendon's mind slip's back to the night Spencer kissed him.

He's not going to lie, Spencer's attractive, Brendon's always thought so. Even back before there was Nate, back when he and Ryan first moved into the house. When Spencer introduced himself from across their yards. Nothing ever happened back then because there was Jon and then there was Pete and now there was Nate so nothing could happen. Brendon wouldn't let it happen.

Brendon would not become Pete.

The boy finds a spot and promptly pulls into it, he and Spencer going into the store in silence. Brendon has a bad habit of getting bored in stores and wandering away, he does it this time, leaving Spencer alone in the coffee aisle, the older boy going instead to check out the magazines.

He's still wandering around when he see's a familar figure standing in the cereal aisle. It's someone that Brendon hoped he'd never see again, someone who makes an instant fire spark up in his belly.

It's Travis.

He's standing there in sweat pants and a baggy hoodie, debating between two different kinds of cereal. He looks a hell of a lot skinnier since the last time Brendon's seen him, that mean's he's probably still on drugs, the hardcore kind, the kind that made Ryan into what he is today. Travis' usual companion Alex isn't around, or at least not somewhere that Brendon can see. Brendon wonders if the same thing that happened to Ryan has happened to Alex.

Brendon is sort of frozen on the spot, he doesn't know what to do. He really feels like running over and tackling Travis to the ground and beating the shit out of him. At the same time he feels like turning around and leaving, never speaking to the monster that's hanging around a cereal aisle.

Brendon decides on the latter and is about to turn around and go when he knock's into one of those displays, a can from said display falling and clattering loud against the floor. Brendon doesn't even have to turn around to know that Travis is looking at him. He bends quickly to get the can and as he straightens up, a cocky voice settles over him.

"Brendon Urie..." Travis' voice says, Brendon turns around slowly, looking back at Travis as he stands and has the nerve to smile, fucking smile at Brendon.

"Travis." Brendon sort of grits out. Travis' eyes drink in the younger boy's body and Brendon is already uncomfortable.

"If you wanted me to look at your fine lil' ass you could've just asked." Travis says and Brendon's teeth clench. He doesn't know if Travis is serious or not, maybe he's trying to get Brendon all wound up.

"I'll never be that desperate Travis." Brendon replies, Travis laughs.

"Ryan was that desperate if I recall."

Brendon's fist tighten into balls at his side. He's not going to get into a fight here at a grocery store and he's not going to show Travis that he's pissing him off, that's all the older boy wants, to work Brendon up.

"Brendon, there you are." Spencer says from somewhere behind Brendon. The boy turns and Spencer is looking at him expectantly, two containers of coffee in his hands. Spencer see's the look on Brendon's face, see's Travis staring at Brendon with a knowing sort of smirk. Brendon knows he must be confused. "I was..looking for you." He adds weakly. Travis chuckles.

"I had heard that you and Pete broke it off. So, this is the new ass your tapping?" Travis asks, his eyes raking over Spencer's form and he not so subtley licks his lips. "Good choice." He adds, his voice darker than it had been moments before.

"Come on, Spence, we're leaving." Brendon tells the younger boy, he's not giving Travis that smug sense of accomplishment, he's not even going to justify him with an anwser. Spencer nods and turns away, glancing at Travis with worried eyes, Brendon following the younger boy, leading him to the front of the store.

"I wonder if he's tighter than Ryan..." Travis says a little too loud, making sure that Brendon hears. Both boy's freeze now, Brendon whirling around and Spencer standing there with his jaw dropped. "I wonder if he'd cry for help like Ryan did? What do you think Bren?" Travis breathes out, his voice low and dark, he's smirking again. Brendon wants to pounce on him and beat that smirk off of his idiotic face.

He's still trying to just let it all go. He's just trying to get out of it all, get away from Travis and go on living. But it's too hard, all the memories the day Travis hurt Ryan so bad, how he pointed the gun at Brendon and all the boy could do was let him get away...the burning anger was too much.

Brendon was gone before Spencer could grab him, if the younger boy would even try to stop him. The black haired boy was propelling himself at Travis, tackling him to the hard floor, holding him down and slamming his fist into the dark skinned boy's face repeatedly.

"Brendon!" Spencer gasps out but he doesn't make a move, not yet. Travis is grunting and throwing his own punches, his arms longer than Brendon's and he land's a few strong punches to Brendon's jaw, to his eye. The boy doesn't care though, the pain isn't even registering, all that's getting through to him is the anger. The way Travis had Brendon watch, the way Ryan was so desperate for help and the fact that Travis was getting off on it, it was too much for Brendon.

Eventually some store workers show up to stop the fight, attempting to pull Brendon off of Travis. The younger boy slamming his fist against any part of Travis that he could. A paticularly beefy worker is holding on to Brendon, the boy's leg's kicking out desperately trying to connect with any part of Travis' body. A tall worker has Travis in a vice like grip, holding on to him as the dark skinned boy cusses and tries to break free.

"You two have to leave the premises now." The worker holding Brendon says. They start to drag the two boy's away in seperate directions.

"Send my regards to Ryan!" Travis yells with a laugh. Brendon tries to break free a little harder and when he can't his brain spits out the thing it thinks will hurt Travis the most.

"Tell Tyga I said hi next time you visit him in jail!" Brendon yells back and his words take a split second to register on Travis. His face goes blank for a split second before he growls and jerks trying to break free and pummel the shit out of Brendon.

They both wind up outside, Spencer too, the workers having taken the coffee from the boy. The workers escort Travis to his car and he speeds off, squealing rubber against the pavement. They also escort Brendon and Spencer out to their car, Spencer drives this time.

The two of them are driving to a different store, one where they can actually find coffee.

"Wanna tell me what that was about?" Spencer asks after a few silent moments. Brendon looks at him with a rapidly blackening eye. He doesn't, really he doesn't. Spencer doesn't need to know about how Ryan was hurt by Travis, he doesn't need to know but he does deserve to.

"That guy, that guy is a horrible person. He's done horrible things." Brendon says, flipping down the vanity mirror so he could check out his swelling eye. Nate would not be pleased by this encounter.

"Like what?" Spencer presses, looks at Brendon from across the seat. The older boy sighs raggedly, taps his fingers against his jeaned leg, it's now or never, time to bite the bullet.

"He got Ryan into hardcore drugs, he was the one who helped Ryan become mentally challenged." Brendon pauses, wait's to hear what Spencer's reaction is. The younger boy's blue eyes widen and he shakes his head a bit, makes his hair flick to the side. "That's not all though." Brendon adds and Spencer glances at him, worry in those blue eyes.

"What else Bren?" He asks, he stop's at a red light and Brendon's got his full attention now. Brendon sets his jaw tight, just saying it makes him angry, makes him wish he had done so much worse to Travis than repeatedly punch his smug face. "It's bad isn't it?" Spencer asks and Brendon nods. No one knows about what happened to Ryan except for Gabe and Nate, that's it, but Spencer is so close to the older boy, he deserves to know, that's what Brendon tells himself.

"That guy...Travis, he raped Ryan."

Spencer makes a choking sort of noise and grip's the steering wheel, his knuckles turning white.

"Before?...or after?" He asks, his voice low and more dangerous than Brendon's ever heard.

"After Ryan's accident...that's when he did it." Brendon notices his knuckles are this strange purple color, he's oddly sastisfied with this, he hopes that Travis goes home and examins all the marking's Brendon left on his face and chest, see's them like Brendon had to see the mark's the older boy left on Ryan.

Spencer looks pissed, looks angrier than Brendon's seen him in awhile. It's a good thing they're not too far away from the next store, Spencer might accidently kill them in rage.

"How could he?...how could he hurt Ryan like that? He's so..he's like a child!" Spencer is crying out, his eyes are hard and his knuckles still white as he turns into the second store's parking lot. The younger boy park's the car, hands gripping the wheel and he's silent.

"I know." Brendon says, he does because he's thought of the same thing a million or so time's. A fresh surge of guilt washes through Brendon, he knows that ultimately what happened to Ryan is his fault. If he hadn't taken Ryan into that atmosphere, if he didn't fuck himself up and then leave the older boy alone and vulnerable that Travis would've never gotten his slimey hands on him. It's Brendon's fault, it is but he won't admit to that part, can't confess to anyone but himself that his own stupid choices led to what happened to his best friend.

The duo go into the store in silence, moving quietly and quickly, wanting to get the searched after coffee and get out. There's nothing much else for the two of them to say to each other, their thoughts centered around Ryan. They get the coffee and get back in the car, Spencer driving once again.

"Brendon, how did that happen to Ryan?" The younger boy asks, Brendon won't lie, he was expecting this question, expecting Spencer to want the details about the situation. Brendon is afraid to anwser, doesn't want to see the look that Spencer will give him, he doesn't want to see the hate that would reside there. "I mean..did that guy get into the house? Maybe you could press charges or something?" The boy suggests.

Brendon shake's his head. "I can't press charges against him."

"Why not?" Spencer's watching him with intense blue eyes, sidelong glances between driving.

"Because I was getting high when it happened...I took Ryan with me to this guys' house, I passed out and Travis got a hold of Ryan." So, now Brendon admitted it and it actually feels good for the briefest of second's before the fear takes hold. Telling Spencer was right though, all the things that boy has confessed, Brendon feels like he owes it to him, he feels like he always has to tell Spencer the truth.

Spencer is silent, his blue eyes flickering with thought. Brendon is expecting the cold shoulder but he isn't expecting Spencer to pull suddenly to the right, jutting the car across the lane's, earning them honk's before he settles at the side of the road. He's staring at Brendon now, his hands off the steering wheel and pressed into his lap.

"Ryan got raped because you were getting high and not watching him?" He asks, his voice cold.

Brendon nods. "I was a different person before...I was fucked up...I was shit...I still am."

"Why would you take him?"

"It was a stupid choice I know that! I love Ryan, I don't ever want anything to hurt him!" Brendon finds himself shouting, Spencer wasn't questioning Brendon's love for Ryan though, they all know he loves the older boy.

"If you love him so damn much why do you take such shitty care of him?" Spencer isn't raising his voice, he's barely remaining calm but he is.

"You don't know how hard it is Spencer. To know someone and then suddenly they're not the same...they can't even understand you."

"Brendon...I watched Jon change right before my eyes...I do know." Spencer's voice is cold, a kind of cold that chill's Brendon to his bone's. It's strange to hear them arguing because they've always been so considerate of one another, always so careful that maybe it was only natural that the two of them break down at some point. "He depend's on you...you're all he has." Spencer whispers.

"I never asked to take care of him! I never wanted that responsibility! I had to do it because they wanted to put him in a home! He was afraid and I took him in because there was no other choice Spencer!" Brendon's still yelling, his voice echoing in the confined space of the car.

"So, you think of him as a burden?"

"He was my best friend." Brendon's voice is faltering.

"He still is! He's not some hopeless case Brendon! He's getting better!" Now Spencer's voice is loud, it seems the two of them have swapped volumes, Ryan being a strong arguing point for both of them.

"I know...only because of you though...you did that." Brendon is losing this argument, he knows Ryan may need him but he deserves better than him. Spencer sighs.

"He thinks the world of you Brendon, every time he learn's something new, everytime I teach him something. He can't wait to show you, to tell you about it, he love's you." Spencer's voice drops again. Brendon's not sure if this is a guilt trip or not, it doesn't matter because he does feel guilty. With so many things going on in his life, Ryan has slowly dropped rung's on his importance list.

"I don't want to talk about it anymore." Brendon says definitly, he's sort of desperate to end this conversation. Spencer stares at him for a long moment before the younger boy nods, starts up the car and pulls out of the lot.



chapter thirty seven: The Same Old Mistakes


Things return to the relative normality that they had before Jon committed suicide. Spencer and Brendon don't talk about their arguement in the car, Brendon doesn't even talk to Nate about it. They bury it, hide away what happened and go about as best they can.

Things are harder for Spencer, a far too chipper woman has become the sales repersentative for Jon and Spencer's old place. She smiles too much as she bustles people around the house, selling lies, saying that a happily married older couple had lived in the house and simply decided to move to a better neighborhood. There are couples that file in and out of the house, holding hands and moving around through Spencer's memories. They survey and they never find out that someone died in the backroom, of the horrible event's that took place in that house.

Six days since Jon's funeral, it's been six days. Today Nate is working his shift at the strip club, Spencer seems to be continually spending his days in the kitchen, cooking near constantly. Ryan is on the couch next to Brendon, reading a book about puppies and asking Brendon to look at the pictures.

"See, Brendon? This puppy is white and it's best friends with the brown puppy." Ryan informs Brendon, tugging on the younger boy's shirt sleeve to show him the illustrations in the book. Brendon was impressed with Ryan, the boy's verbal skill's had improved so much, he was still talking like a litttle kid but that stutter was gone.

"I do see Ryan, good job." He ruffles Ryan's messy brown hair, the older boy leaning into the touch, craving more of Brendon's affection. The black haired boy tries not to touch Ryan too much, it tend's to bring back memories, time's when he was more than willing to touch the brown haired boy and Ryan was more than willing to be touched.

"Love you, Ry." Brendon says softly, it isn't the first time he's said it, not by a long shot and it won't be the last. Ryan break's into a huge grin and pushes himself at Brendon, clutching at the black haired boy's body.

"Love you, Brendon." He chrips back, burries his adorable little face into Brendon's chest, the younger boy smiling and Spencer watching from the kitchen with his own small smile. They only break apart when Spencer call's them into the kitchen to be his test subject's for the latest batch of cookies that he's made, it's more than apparent that Spencer turns into Betty Crocker when he's depressed.

Brendon's midway through his third cookie when his cell phone ring's. He's expecting Nate, expecting him to say that he's picked up a second shift and he'll be home later than usual, that's what's been happening all this week. Brendon doesn't complain though because it had been his fault that Nate lost that lucrative porno money.

He's expecting Nate but he gets Gabe.

Brendon takes the call back in his bedroom, away from Spencer and Ryan. The boy's actually nervous, he hasn't talked to Gabe since the night Tom died, the night Tyga took the fall for Brendon.

"Hey Gabe."

"Did you run into Travis?" comes the harsh voice of Gabe on the other line.

"I-What?" It's more out of surprise than a lack of understanding.

"Did you or did you not run into fucking, Travis McCoy, Brendon?" Gabe's pissed, Brendon knows that tone from anywhere and it scares him shitless.

"Yeah, I did...I ran into him at the store a few days ago..." He's about to ask what's wrong, he's about to ask why it matters but he can't because Gabe starts talking again.

"And did you by chance get in a fight with him and make mention of his cousin being in jail?"

"Gabe, what's-"

"Anwser me right fucking now Urie!" Gabe bellows, Brendon flinches and clears his throat, his heart beating wildly in his chest.

"Yeah, I did that too."

Gabe sighs deeply, Brendon can hear him mumbling, can hear the rustle of fabric.

"That was fucking stupid Brendon." Gabe says, his voice coming out distorted and Brendon knows he must have a cigarette between his lips.

"Why Gabe? What happened?" Brendon is worried, is damn worried because he's afraid that he screwed up massively somewhere, that everything they've worked for is going to fall apart.

"Travis called me, claims that Tyga is spouting off some paranoia shit about the cops being against him, the cops framing him. Of course no one believes him. Travis didn't even believe him until you went and ran your stupid little mouth." Gabe nearly growls out, a scary thing considering that Brendon's never really been on the recieving end of his anger.

"I'm sorry." Brendon whispers, he sits on his bed and rests his head in his free hand. "I'm so fucking sorry Gabe."

Gabe takes a long drag off his cigarette before he speaks again, Brendon picturing the older man, white suit and silver smoke spilling from his mouth.

"You're unravling all those huge favors I pulled off for you." Gabe says lowly, fear spikes in Brendon's stomach. He's afraid that he's going to get caught, that he's going to be charged with killing Brent.

"Am I in trouble?" That's an understatement because everyday seems to be trouble for Brendon. Gabe just gives a dark laugh.

"No, you're damn lucky that Ryland pulls a huge amount of weight with the police."

Brendon sighs in relief, at least for right now he gets to live as a free man for another day.

"You're not in trouble with the cops but...you are in trouble with me." Gabe adds, his voice smooth and dark as night, it makes Brendon shiver.

"You're not going to kill me are you?" The black haired boy asks, Gabe laughs.

"You've become fucking paranoid to the max since you've quit the drugs." The older boy says, his voice lighter than it had been moments before. "No, I'm not going to hurt you but lets both be honest here, you owe me big right?"

Brendon hesitates, every favor Gabe's ever done for him cycling through his head. Even Gabe's words from the night they framed Tyga; 'You'll owe me Brendon, bigger than you ever have before.' Brendon shudders at the words.

"I know Gabe, I know I owe you so damn much." Brendon's heart is thumping loudly in his ears, he just wants to know, wants to know what Gabe has in store for him.

"Right, so, I just want to call in that massive favor you owe me." The older boy says, Brendon can hear him taking more drag's off the cigarette.

"What-What do you want me to do?" His voice comes out weak, really with Gabe this favor could literally be anything in the world.

"Do you remember Hayley?" Gabe starts, Brendon tilts his head, mentally scanning for any girl he knows by that name. Gabe must take Brendon's silence as a 'no', because he fill's the younger boy in.

"That fire haired stripper at that strip club I took you to, remember?" He asks again, sounding just the slightest bit annoyed. Now Brendon does remember, back from the first night he had met Nate, that thin pale, red headed stripper that Gabe had fucked.

"Yeah, yeah, but back to the favor?" Brendon asks, he doesn't need Gabe dragging it out, if he has to do something terrible than he wants to know about it.

"She's pregnant." Gabe adds, his voice void of all possible emotion.

"Oh, well, good for her." Brendon's growing confused but he's not going to say anything until Gabe's explained.

"No, not good because I'm the father." The older boy tells the younger. Brendon doesn't mean to gasp, doesn't mean to but he does because wow, that's kind of surprising.

"Not good?" Brendon tries, hand scrubbing over his face, his cell phone growing hot against his ear.

"No, see, I don't want to be a father Brendon. I don't want kids, not to mention that Vicky would have a fucking meltdown if she found out." Gabe's voice grows dark once again, and a sudden ball of dred drops into Brendon's stomach.

"Gabe...is she the favor?"

"You catch on quick Bren."

Shit, that ball of dred in Brendon's stomach proceeds to explode into a million tiny pieces, slicing up his innard's and making him want to puke up all his insides. Brendon's mind is traveling horrible places, places you only see or read about in crime dramas or see on the news.

"What..." Brendon can barely continue. "What do you want me to do to her?"

That same dark laugh of Gabe's.

"Take her out Brendon...kill her for me." Gabe says it again with that lack of emotion. It was just as bad as Brendon had feared, maybe even worse, definitly worse. He can't he cannot kill that girl.

"Gabe, I-"

"Don't even act like you're not capable of doing it Brendon." Gabe starts, his voice growing defensive. "Remember Brent? You're perfectly capable of killing."

Brendon shakes his head hard, despite the fact that Gabe can't see him. "No, no, I'm not a murderer, I'm not. Brent was an accident." The reasoning is weak even to Brendon but damn it! It's the truth. Brent's murder was a result of the drugs, of the heat and the frustration all mixed into one, it was an impulse, one that Brendon never wants to have again, one that he hasn't had since that night.

"Anyway you try to play it off Brendon, you still killed someone. Once is the hard part, so, what's just one more?"

"This...this is someone's life...and not just her's but a baby...I can't Gabe."

"Brendon, you owe me remember?"

He does remember, he knows that but at the same time he knows that he's not going to do it, he can't. No matter what Gabe end's up doing to him he cannot kill that stripper.

"I know Gabe and I'll do anything else, anything but I won't kill anyone else...I won't." Brendon's trying to be sure about this, trying to hold steady and be firm with the older boy. No matter how much Gabe scares him. There's a deep sigh on the other line.

"I'm incredibly disappointed in you Brendon." Gabe says, he sound's pissed once again. "But I'll call you again when I want to call in that favor...and Brendon?"

"Yeah Gabe?" Brendon's voice comes out weak, obviously scared.

"Next time you won't say no." Gabe says with an air of finality as he hangs up the phone.

Brendon collapses back on his bed, phone loose in his hand. He closes his eyes as he realizes that he's gotten himself in too deep and no matter how good he wants to believe he is now, he'll still have to make up for his past mistakes.

Five minutes later Brendon's cell phone rings once again, the boy is sure that it's Gabe, that he's thought of a new way for Brendon to fufil his favor. It's not Gabe though and Brendon's heart unclenches, it's Nate.

"Hey, babe."

"Hi, Bren." Brendon can barely hear his boyfriend over the constant thumping of the music over the loudspeakers, the club must be busy tonight.

"What's up?" Brendon asks, he wants Nate to say that he's coming home, wants to be comforted by his beautiful boyfriend. Again the steady thump, thump, thump, over the line.

"Nothing, I just, I wanted to tell you that I picked up another shift." comes Nate's tinny voice through the phone line. Brendon can't stop the sigh that slips through his lips.

"Again? That's the third time this week." Brendon half whines, Nate sighs as well.

"I know, I'm sorry baby, I just...the money's good you know?" He says and Brendon does know.

"Yeah, I know."

"Don't worry Brendon, I'll be home as soon as I can."

"Alright," Brendon hopes that he doesn't sound as crushingly disappointed as he feels. "I love you." Brendon adds and again he's treated to the thumping of the techno music.

"I feel the same, you know that." Brendon frowns, that's how Nate's taken to saying 'I love you' while he's at work. It wasn't annoying at first but now...well, now it was.

"Yeah, bye Nate."

"Bye, babe." Nate says as he hangs up, leaving Brendon with a dead line.

If he were a more suspicious person he'd think that Nate was cheating on him, the warning signs were all there. Working late, the lack of affection over the phone line. Maybe Nate found someone new at the club? Someone who didn't have such outstanding problems.

Brendon leaves his room, hampered by his own depressing thoughts. Spencer and Ryan are still in the kitchen, taste testing the cookies.

"Nate's working late again." Brendon informs the youngest boy as he sets his cell phone down on the kitchen table. Spencer pulls a face.

"Think I should make him something? He'll probably be hungry." Spencer states and Brendon's eyes light up, those simple words, they spark something inside Brendon, an idea.

"We should take him food." Brendon finds himself saying, it's a haphazard plan but Brendon's going along with it. Telling himself that he only wants to make sure that Nate's eating something but really, really he wants to go and make sure that the other boy isn't fucking around on him.

So, that's how Brendon, Spencer, and Ryan end up piled in Brendon's car. Brendon and Spencer in the front seat and Ryan laying sprawled out in the back. Brendon drives the long drive to the desert street, past the dusty path of land where Tom was killed, out to the nothingness of the desert like land, all the way to the glowing sign that read's 'Pinky's'.

Nate's car is parked in the tiny, dusty, parking lot. At least he wasn't lying about that. The tiny, dusty square is full of cars, they were busy tonight. Brendon park's the car, looking over at Spencer and taking the small lunch that Spencer had made for Nate.

"I'm just going to run in and give it to him." Brendon tells the other boy, Spencer nods while Ryan has taken to bouncing around calling Nate's name over and over again. If they break up it will undoubtedly be hard for Ryan.

Brendon leaves the car and heads inside the smoke filled club. The black haired boy surpasses all the stages, lit neon with their young dancers in various stages of undress. He heads straight to the black countered bar, the spot where he first met Nate. He doesn't realize that he's chanting a mantra in his head. A mantra of 'Please let Nate be here, Please let him be here, Please.' He stop's infront of the bar, not his young short boyfriend standing there before him but a guy with curly, sandy blond hair and some tattoos on his arm. His nametag read's the name 'Sisky', Brendon hopes for this guys' sake that it's a nickname.

"What can I get for you?" He asks, elbows coming up on the counter and he's grinning.

"No, nothing for me...I'm-I'm looking for Nate." Brendon hollers out, straining to be heard over the music. Sisky eyes Brendon.

"Are you Brendon?" He asks, the other boy nods.

"Do you know where he's at?" By now Brendon's insides are on fire, Nate lied, that's all he can think about. How Nate lied. The guy named Sisky nods, jerk's his thumb back toward's where Gabe had taken them before, back to where the girl's change.

Brendon's gone before Sisky can say another word. He's pushing past people who are watching the dances, none of it matters, all that matters is what the hell Nate's doing back in this room. Brendon makes it to the door, pulls it open and thanks whoever was stupid enough to leave it unlocked.

Inside the room there are girl's changing, he ignores them, his brown eyes scanning for any sign of a guy among the girl's. Nate's no where to be found in the backroom, there's only two other way's out of here, the door that leads back out into the parking lot, the door that William and Brendon had taken the night Brendon met Nate and the set of stairs that lead to an upper floor. The floor where Gabe goes to have fun. Brendon prays that Nate isn't up in that room.

He pushes under the velvet rope that blocks off the stairs. He's dashing up them, taking two at a time and threatening to slip and slam his knees against the hard, shiny black material. Brendon stops at the top of the stairs, the upstairs floor of the room spread out for him. It's dark up here and there are numerous bed's lining the walls, bed's where no doubt the strippers entertain their guests.

Brendon doesn't have to look for Nate because he's right there, sitting on the bed closest to the stairs, the pale body of a girl in his arms. Again time is running in slow motion for Brendon. Nate has his arms wrapped around the girl, holding her close to him, his hands, hands that Brendon are so familar with, are pressed on her back. The girl's face is pressed into the crook of Nate's neck.

He figures that it could be worse, they could be kissing or fucking, it could be worse.

"Nate..." Brendon's voice slips out softly but Nate must hear it. He pulls away from the girl, soft brown eyes confused and then slipping to terrified. "Looks like you're working really fucking hard Nate!" Brendon spits out, he throws the box of food down, it hits hard against the floor and spills out, Spencer's hard work going to waste but fuck it, Brendon doesn't care.

Brendon doesn't wait for Nate to say anything, just turns and flees down the stairs, away from his cheating boyfriend. Nate is running after him, calling out for him but Brendon won't stop. He pushes through the crowds of people in the club, through the hot crush of aroused men, the thumping music, pushes until he can't hear Nate, until he's out in the cool air of the parking lot.

The black haired boy rushes to the car, hops in and puts the vechical in reverse. Nate's only just made his way out of the clubs door, is standing stock still under the lights, watching as Brendon pulls away. He drives quick and in silence, can't quite bring himself to tell Spencer what happened, can't quite bring himself to look at Nate's disappearing form in the rearview mirror.

He's pissed at himself because he thought he had picked a good guy, he had thought he had done better than Pete but it turned out that he hadn't, that Nate was the same. Tears pricked sharp at Brendon's eyes but he refused to cry, no, Nate didn't deserve to know that he had reduced Brendon to crying.

Brendon speeds through a stop sign and that's when Spencer decides to speak.

"Bren, Brendon, are you alright?" The younger boy asks. Brendon glances over at Spencer, brown eyes hard. He still doesn't think he can voice what happened, if he tells someone then it makes it real, it means that it really happened and that means that Brendon has lost that comfort, that comfort he so badly needs in his life. The boy turns away from Spencer, staring back at the road.

"What happened Bren? Nate was.." Spencer trails off because Brendon turns his hard gaze back to the younger boy.

"He was upstairs...with a stripper." Brendon leaves it at that, lets Spencer put it all together for himself. The blue eyed boy looks away from Brendon, realiziation striking him and he glances back up, face and eyes so soft. Maybe he's just as upset about this because Nate and Brendon had been something like a family to the previously broken boy.

"I'm sorry Brendon...I-I can't believe he did that to you."

"Yeah." Brendon doesn't know what else to say, his brain is fried and he's pissed, he's so pissed because he loves Nate more than he's ever loved anyone. He chose Nate over Pete, he chose Nate over drugs for god sakes and this is what the other boy does? Lies about working extra shifts so he can fuck a stripper.

"Brendon, where's Nate?" Comes Ryan's voice from the backseat. Brendon can see Ryan peering at him with big owlish eyes through the rearview mirror. He has no idea what to say. Luckily, he gets a few moments to think about it because his cell phone starts ringing, blaring out a song that Brendon's long since stopped liking.

He fishes it out of his pocket and is not surprised to find that it's Nate. He briefly contemplates anwsering but the images of Nate holding that girl so close, so intimate and loving that it makes his stomach ache...maybe that's just his heart breaking, he can't be sure. Brendon drops the phone like it's burning him. It continues to ring on and off for the next ten minutes, flashing from it's spot on the floorboard of the car.

"Spence, will you turn it off for me?" Brendon asks during the phones twelfth ringing session. Spencer just nods and slips down, grabbing up the phone and turning it off. They're almost home now and Brendon wonders if Nate will come to the house tonight? Or if the boy will just go back to his own place? Brendon honestly doesn't know which outcome he would perfer.

They get back to the house, Brendon instantly going to his room, leaving Spencer and Ryan alone. He collaspes on his bed and thinks about Nate, he listens to Spencer cook some more, he listens to Ryan's cartoons and to the empty sound of his own beating heart, how it sounds all wrong without Nate's heart there to accompany it.

A few hours pass and Brendon knows that Nate's second shift is ending in ten minutes, he knows because he hasn't been able to tear himself away from the clock. He hasn't turned his cell back on since Spencer turned it off, hasn't checked any of the messages, doesn't want to hear the sound of Nate's voice.

There's footsteps and he looks away from the clock to find Spencer standing in his doorway, big blue heavy eyes focused on Brendon.

"Are you alright Bren?" His voice is just as heavy as his eyes.

"Don't know." Brendon sits up and shrugs, looking at Spencer's socked feet. There's a soft sigh and Brendon looks up at Spencer, see's the confliction etched there. He looks like he wants to help Brendon but doesn't know how, doesn't think he can.

"I'll just leave you alone." Spencer says softly, reverting back to what must've worked with Jon. He turns and starts to head out of the room.

"No, Spencer." Brendon says, his voice coming out with a hint of urgency. His hand is stretched out like, he's trying to reach out for the other boy. Spencer stops and glances back at the black haired boy. Brendon allows his hand to drop into his lap as he looks at Spencer. "I don't want to be alone."

Spencer doesn't say anything but he does venture a seat on the end of Brendon's bed. There's a sort of comfortable silence between them, one where Brendon doesn't want to admit that he's really quite terrified of being alone right now. He doesn't want to go back to just him and Ryan, he need's someone, need's Spencer with him.

"Thanks for staying Spence." Brendon whispers, looks at the other boy through his lashes. Spencer shrugs, folds his hands in his lap like, he doesn't know what to do with them.

"You always helped me Bren, it's time I do the same right?"

Brendon nods, ducks his head and won't admit to the sparking of tears in the corners of his brown eyes.

"Wanna talk about it?" Spencer is asking. Brendon wants to shake his head and nod at the same time. He wants to keep quiet and spill everything to Spencer. He doesn't even know where to begin, to fathom that he lost Nate, he can't imagine it.

"It's just that...I thought he was a good guy. Not like the others.." Others, the others like Pete and Ryan, people who couldn't stick with one person. "Maybe it's my own fault...for making him quit his job...for having so many problems."

"No, Bren, no." Spencer's soft voice drifts around Brendon, his warm hand finds Brendon's shoulder. "You shouldn't blame yourself. People cheat because of their own problems, not because their partners." This conversation sort of sounds like it should be the other way around.

Brendon meets Spencer's eyes, he can't hold it back anymore. He's crying.

"I loved him. I love him." Brendon doesn't know which one to use, which one he wants to use. Sure, he's made mistakes too but god, he gave up so much for the boy that Nate just couldn't resist sleeping with someone who wasn't Brendon?

Now Spencer's hand is on Brendon's face.

"I know and if he can't realize how damn lucky he is to have that...well, then he's an idiot."

Brendon doesn't know when he and Spencer had moved so close to one another. They're mere inches apart. Spencer smells sweet, like cookie dough and his hand is so, so warm. He's smiling too, soft and concerned and Brendon's only human. He's hurt and he's human and Spencer is so, warm and soft and loving.

Brendon cannot stop himself from kissing Spencer.



chapter thirty-eight: Those Sweet Baby Blues

Spencer allows the kiss for a few long seconds before his mind seems to meet up with his lips and he moves away from Brendon.

"Brendon.." He whispers out, his voice so low. "We can't do this."

Brendon's still leaning forward, eyes heavy. No, no, they can do this. Spencer's lips were so soft and warm and Brendon needs it dammit! "No, we can. It's okay." Brendon whispers out, his hand sliding to cup Spencer's cheek. "It's okay." He repeats, the hand on Spencer's cheek sliding down to wrap gingerly around the boy's neck, tugging the younger boy's lips back to his.

Brendon revels in the soft press of their lips but that's not enough, it's not so, he opens his mouth, runs his tongue along Spencer's bottom lip. He can feel Spencer shiver but once again the younger boy is pulling away.

"Brendon...what about Nate?" Spencer had pulled away but he wasn't moving away, he wasn't asking Brendon to take his hands off of him.

"Fuck Nate." The older boy mutters before he leans forward and fits his mouth back over Spencer's. Brendon's not going to think about Nate, not right now because if Nate can cheat then so can Brendon. Spencer's mouth slides open and Brendon takes his opportunity, pushing his tongue into the youngers boy's mouth so their tongues would meet.

He feel's Spencer shudder again and he runs his hands up, pushing through the boy's soft brown hair. He wants this to be good for the boy, after the roughness of Jon all Brendon wants to do is show Spencer the gentle side of sex.

Spencer tastes good, sweet, like the cookies that he was making all day. Brendon's glad that Ryan's asleep right now, there's no interruptions, nothing to stop them. Spencer pushes his tongue against Brendon's and his hands finally dare to move, settling on Brendon's sides.

They squeeze soft, rub small and push up the hem of his t-shirt, warm fingers brushing pale stomach. Brendon's pretty sure he groans into the younger boys mouth. Brendon wants to feel Spencer's skin beyond his hands and face, he wants pale stretches of stomach and neck. He moves his own hands to the bottom of Spencer's shirt, slides them up and gets exactly what he wants.

Spencer's soft hands are playing at Brendon's side and Brendon pushes his own up to brush over the boys skin, tweaking his nipples lightly. Now Spencer is the one groaning and yeah, Brendon could definitly get used to hearing that sound.

They break apart to catch their breaths, Spencer's lips perfect and wet, how Jon could ever hurt something as beautiful as Spencer, Brendon would never figure out. "Are you ok Spence?" Brendon pants out, his eyes are staring holes into Spencer but he wants the younger boy to be okay with this, to let this happen, he needs this.

Spencer is staring with his own intense eyes, there's something lurking behind Spencer's blue eyes, a want more desperate than Brendon's. "I'm fine." The younger boy half whispers, he licks his lips and eyes Brendon's mouth. The black haired boy grins and pushes closer to Spencer, hands attacking the hem of his shirt, tugging it up and off the boy. The marks that Jon had left on Spencer had all but faded, faint greenish, yellowish spots remained along the soft part of his stomach and sides, some on his back too.

Brendon attaches his mouth to Spencer's neck and kisses, sucks lightly, no harsh movement, no biting. Spencer sucks in a deep breath and that only encourages the older boy. He licks across heated skin, gets Spencer moved to the other end of the bed, gets him on his back. He undoes Spencer's jeans, hand snaking down and rubbing at the bulge there.

"Fuck." Spencer pants out, Brendon knows that he wants this too, this isn't just some pity fuck. Brendon's mouth reconnects with Spencer's, tongues meeting wet and hot. The older boys hands travel down to Spencer hips, tugging jeans and underwear down, Spencer helping by raising his hips. Brendon drops his mouth to Spencer's neck, licking paths across the skin, down to his chest. He's claiming Spencer as his own, taking away the memories of everytime Jon did this, making new ones for the younger boy. Brendon's treating Spencer the way he deserved it all along.

"Mmm. Brendon, you have way too many clothes on." Spencer pants out. Brendon grins against the pale skin of Spencer's stomach.

"Right." He agrees, sitting back on his heels and tugging his t-shirt off, he goes for his jeans next but Spencer leans forward, bat's his hands away and undoes Brendon's jeans himself. His hands copy Brendon's, sneaking into the boys jeans, rubbing at Brendon's cock.

"Fuck, Spencer...I've got to have you right now." Brendon moans out, a small smile and blush spreads across the younger boys face.

Four minutes later they two of them are completely naked, making out and rubbing freshly exposed expanses of skin.

Three minutes later Brendon is whispering permission to fuck Spencer in the brown haired boys ear.

Two minutes later Brendon is perparing Spencer, fingers pressed inside the younger boy. He's got Spencer writhing and whining and practically begging to be fucked six ways to Sunday.

One minute later Brendon has a condom on and he's pushing in slow, as slow as he can, into Spencer.

Brendon fucks Spencer as gently as he can. Soft, slow thrusts that rock their hips together. Their lips are attached, open mouthed and Spencer's panting wetly, little cries that send sparks down Brendon's body. The younger boys hands are holding Brendon's sides, pressing and scratching lightly.

"Fuck, Spencer." Brendon groans out, presses his hips just a bit harder and that makes Spencer moan out a little louder than before. "Spence-Spencer, is it okay if I grab your hips?" Brendon pants out, he doesn't want to do anything that would scare the other boy, all he wants is pleasure, pleasure and permission. Spencer stretches out long and nods, his head back against the pillow and his dark bangs flopping into his eyes.

"Yes, yes, please...anything." Spencer is babbling out, pink tongue licking at his lips and his hips rolling up towards Brendon. Spencer's slick cock was rubbing against the older boys stomach, Brendon reaching down and fisting it, letting Spencer fuck up into the tight ring of Brendon's fist.

Spencer was whimpering and writhing under Brendon, making beautiful sounds that only ever existed in Brendon's imagination. Brendon's hands slide away from Spencer's cock, the younger boy groaning in protest. Brendon kisses him and juts his hips up lightly, forever searching for that special spot inside the younger boy. His hands hold Spencer's hips firmly, not hard, not to hurt.

"You can go harder Bren..it's ok." Spencer gives Brendon permission and Brendon listens, lets his hips stutter forward, pressing his hard length deeper into the boy. Now that he can go harder it's easier for Brendon to find that beautiful spot inside of Spencer, the one that will make him shake and groan. He does find it and Spencer tosses his head back, crying out Brendon's name and his own hand travels to his cock, pushing up into it.

Spencer wraps his legs around Brendon's slim waist, pulling the younger boy deeper into him. "God, Brendon, please don't stop." Spencer was begging, biting his lip and his eyes were closed, face a perfect vision of pleasure.

"Fuck, Spencer, you're so beautiful."

Brendon moves his lips to Spencer's but they don't really kiss, more like pant into each others mouths, sharing breaths. They maintain a steady speed, bodies melded together in absolute pleasure. Brendon knows that this is a good idea, they both need this. Spencer needs to forget all about Jon, to feel nothing but pleasure because he deserves it and Brendon needs it too, he doesn't want to forget about Nate but still, he needs this.

"Spencer, are you close?" Brendon asks because Spencer's cries are increasing in volume, blue eyes turning into small slits. The younger boy nods desperately and jacks himself off, Brendon knocking Spencer's hand away to take over the task. "Come for me Spencer, please." The younger boy freezes in Brendon's hand, coming and shooting his load over Brendon's hand, crying out the older boy's name.

"So, beautiful Spence." Brendon whispers, kisses Spencer lightly as he fucks the boy, working to get to his own orgasm. He does, freezing inside of Spencer and emptying into the condom. His face is pressed into the crook of Spencer's neck, panting as his hips push forward slowly.

After a few long moments Brendon pulls out of Spencer, laying down beside him. They're laying in silence and Brendon is close to sleep when Spencer suddenly sits up, looks like he's getting off the bed.

"Spencer? What are you doing?"

"I was just gonna go.." Spencer says, his voice is heavy and he won't look at Brendon.

"No, no, you don't have to go anywhere. Don't go anywhere." Brendon tells the younger boy, his hand slipping around Spencer's wrist and tugging him gently back down to the bed. Brendon pulls Spencer up next to him. "It's ok, Spence." Brendon whispers, "Don't worry about it." He wants to soothe Spencer's mind, his hand running lovingly down the blue eyed boys back.

"Ok." Spencer whispers against the skin of Brendon's chest, his head pressed under Brendon's jaw.




chapter thirty-nine: i love the mayhem more than the love


Nate didn't come to Brendon's place last night. He didn't come by in the morning either. Which, really, Brendon is sort of thankful for because he and Spencer don't wake up until almost ten in the morning, naked and wrapped around one another. Nothing feels different in the morning, Brendon's still pissed about Nate and what the boy did, he's still glad that he did what he did last night.

Brendon lets Spencer sleep and he takes a shower, coming out to find the younger boy asleep still. He pads down the wooden hallway intent on checking on Ryan. The door to Ryan's room is cracked open, the lithe boy snuggled down in his bed, holding the stupid, obnoxiously pink, stuffed monkey that Brendon once won at a carnival for Ryan. Ryan's smiling in his sleep, dreaming of god knows what and Brendon smiles too.

The smile quickly fades as he thinks of Nate, a faint burn of anger sliding around his stomach. He doesn't understand how Nate could do it and with a girl no less. He sighs and presses a hand through his damp black hair. He doesn't want to confront the problem but he still thinks he should find and check his cell phone.

He finds it on the kitchen table, resting his hip against the wooden table as he turns it on. His voicemail is full and he has about a bizillion text messages, all from Nate.

Brendon can faintly hear water running from the back of the house, Spencer must be taking a shower. Brendon frowns at his phone and hits a button to play the first of the thirty something messages. The black haired boy never does hear any of the messages because there's a sudden knocking on the front door. Brendon snaps his phone shut and narrows his deep brown eyes, there can only be one person here.

It's probably him, Nate's probably here to apologize to Brendon. Sure enough, he can see Nate's red and black sports car out infront of the house. Brendon scratches a hand across his pale stomach, leaving little white marks in their wake. He contemplates not anwsering the door but Nate's pounding is persistent and Brendon doesn't want Ryan to wake up so, he does anwser.

Nate is standing out on the porch, wearing the same clothes as last night. His dark hair is deshevled and he has heavy bags under his eyes, his usually handsome face is pulled down into a deep frown. His eyes are what bother Brendon the most, those brown eyes are holding such intense pain in them. Nate lowers his hand that he was knocking on the door with and stares at Brendon.

"Nate, what the fuck are you doing here?" Brendon spits out, venom lacing his voice. The boy looks so taken aback by the anger in Brendon's voice, he doesn't think that he should because hello, Nate fucking cheated on him.

"Didn't you listen to my messages?" Nate asks, Brendon shakes his head.

"Had my phone off all night." It takes every ounce of Brendon's willpower to not add 'Just like I fucked Spencer all night.'

"Oh," Is all Nate says, his back is hunched and his head is drooped. Brendon will not be suckered by this act, he's seen Pete's guilty kid routine one too many times to not notice it now. "Do you think I can come in Brendon?" Nate asks, lifts his head and peers at Brendon with those fucking puppy dog eyes.

"Why, so you can make excuses for why you fucked that girl last night?" Brendon seethes out, Nate's face slackens and he shakes his head.

"Please, just let me come in and I'll tell you what happened. I won't give you an excuse, I'll tell you the truth." He's pleading and even though Brendon knows he should just slam the door in Nate's face, should just turn away and not even give him the grace of listening to the boy, his mind is replaying when Brendon told Nate about the drugs and how Nate just stuck with him.

He lets Nate in.

Brendon closes the door behind his boyfriend..ex-boyfriend..he isn't sure which one to classifie Nate as. He rests his hands on his hips as he waits to hear this so called explanation. "So, what happened Nate?" Brendon asks, his voice has lost some of it's snark but it's still dark, still colored angry.

Nate runs his hand up and down his arm, a nervous habit. He's drinking in Brendon's form or maybe he's just thinking of something to say.

"I didn't sleep with her." The shorter boy says. Brendon rolls his warm brown eyes.

"Sure."

"I didn't Brendon! I was comforting her!"

"What with your penis?" Brendon spits out. Nate is looking desperate, desperate for Brendon to believe.

"No, Brendon. Look-" Nate starts but Brendon shakes his head, cuts him off.

"Was it my fault Nate? Was it something I did? Was it because of all my problems..or because I made you quit your porn job? Is that why?" Brendon's just desperate for anwsers and not excuses, he wants to know, even if it is his fault.

"What? No, no, look, a few days ago one of the girls came up to me and she was crying. I asked her what was wrong and she told me she was pregnant." Nate's saying, eyes wide and staring holes into Brendon. Brendon's heart sinks to his feet, cracking instantly. Nate looks like he's expecting Brendon to interrupt again but he doesn't so Nate continues.

"She told me that she's scared..that she's in trouble and she needed help. She didn't have anyone else to go to Brendon! That's the reason I've been staying late at work...I've been trying to help her. So, when you found me last night I had just given her a bus ticket...so, she could leave this place and start over again. She was just hugging me because she was grateful Brendon, that's all."

Nate is staring at Brendon again, those big brown eyes and again he's so damn desperate, silently pleading for Brendon to believe him.

Shit, that's all Brendon can think. Shit, this is all turning to shit right infront of him. Nate's story makes sense and Brendon might not be tempted to believe his boyfriend if it weren't for that phone call he had gotten from Gabe.

"What was her name?" Brendon whispers, his voice is so low and his heart is frozen.

"What?" Nate sounds confused, Brendon doesn't blame him.

"The pregnant girl...what's her name?"

"Hayley, her name is Hayley, Brendon. But I swear, nothing happened. Please, you have to believe me."

Nate's talking but Brendon can't focus on the words. He was right, it was Hayley. Hayley, the fire haired stripper that Gabe occasionally slept with, the stripper who was having Gabe's child, the girl that Gabe asked Brendon to kill. Nate was telling the truth, he had to b because it all added up. Brendon had made a mistake, jumped to a conclusion and had done something so fucked up.

"Brendon? Are you alright? You believe me right? You know I love you. I would never do anything to hurt you, I would never do that Brendon." Nate has slid closer to Brendon, the shorter boy reaches out with nervous hands and places one on Brendon's shoulder. Maybe he's afraid that Brendon will shake off his touch but Brendon can't. He's rooted to the floor, looking dazed.

"I love you Brendon." He says softly, his voice sounds so hurt and it kind of kills Brendon. He fucked up, it wasn't Nate, Nate wasn't the one who had made the terrible mistake...it wasn't Nate, it was Brendon.

The taller boy comes back to his senses and he looks down at his significantly shorter boyfriend. His mind is racing, high speed thoughts about last night.

"I..I love you too." Brendon replies, brings his hand up to rest on Nate's shoulder, squeezing lightly. Nate's own hands come up to rest on Brendon's bare back, fingers skritching on the pale skin. Nate's got the top of his head pressed up under Brendon's jaw, just like Spencer had been last night and despite them being fine, despite Brendon and Nate seemingly being alright again, Brendon knows that they're not, they're not because of what he had done with Spencer.

The sound of wet footsteps against the hardwood floors echoes around the hallway. Brendon freezes under Nate's touch because fuck, fuck, it's Spencer.

"Brendon?" Spencer's light voice issues from behind the two boys. Brendon manages to slide away from Nate, turns though his hand is still lingering on Nate's shoulder. Spencer must've just gotten out of the shower, he's naked except for a white towel wrapped low on his waist. The blue eyed boy's hair is dripping and falling in his face, his eye searching for some kind of explanation.

"Spencer, Brendon and I made up. Isn't that great?" Nate asks, smiling up at Brendon. The dripping boy nods, slow, his eyes slinking from Nate to Brendon and it's almost like Brendon can read his mind. He knows that Spencer is wondering why in god's name Brendon would take the cheating Nate back, Spencer doesn't know about Hayley, doesn't know about Gabe or his proposition.

"I-um...yeah." Spencer stammers out, he turns but not before Brendon can plainly see the pain etched on to his face. Pain caused by Brendon because Spencer gave Brendon a part of him that people just don't get to see, a part that Spencer trusted him with and he probably had thoughts, thoughts that he and Brendon could be a couple just like Nate and Brendon had been, better even and now that was all dashed. "I'm gonna go change now." He says quickly, rushes back to the bathroom to put some clothes on.

"So, we're okay right?" Brendon hears Nate ask, he doesn't seem to notice Spencer's pain or if he did then he probably chalked it up to the boy missing Jon. The smaller boy's hand slides up to cup Brendon's jaw, the bigger boy looking down at his small boyfriend. Nate didn't do anything wrong, there was no reason for them not to be okay but despite that, Brendon had a deep nagging feeling snaking through is skin.

"Yeah, we're fine baby." Brendon says, he's distracted but Nate doesn't seem to notice, moving up and planting a kiss on Brendon's unresponsive lips. "I'm just gonna..go check on Spencer alright?" He says, his eyes leaving the spot where Spencer had been moments before and drifting to Nate's face. The other boy just smiles small and nods and Brendon can see him glancing towards Ryan's bedroom.

Brendon leaves Nate and tries not to look like he's racing to Spencer, to fix things before they have the chance to break again. "Spencer?" Brendon knocks lightly on the bathroom door, not waiting for a response before he pushes it open. Spencer's standing there with his jeans on and his t-shirt in his hands. He stares up at Brendon with slightly hard eyes, eyes that Brendon hasn't seen since their argument about Ryan.

"Can I talk to you?" Brendon asks, Spencer searches Brendon's face before he sighs and nods, tugging th t-shirt over his head and covering all that beautiful marred skin. Brendon enters the bathroom and pushes the door closed behind him. "Look, Spence-"

"What? You're just going to take him back after he hurt you like that?" Spencer hisses out, apparently his mind had been working on the chain of events that led to this moment.

"No, I'm an idiot. Nate didn't do anything wrong...it was a misunderstanding." Brendon tries to word it so that Spencer understands, juding by the look on his face, Brendon knows that he doesn't.

"What kind of misunderstanding?"

"He was helping one of the strippers get away. She's pregnant and he was helping her start over."

Spencer rolls his eyes. "How do you know that? How do you know he's not lying?" Spencer is acting overly defensive and Brendon can't help but wonder if Spencer's projecting Jon's shortcomings on to Brendon and Nate's relationship.

"Because I know her..and I know the guy who got her pregnant." Spencer doesn't seem to have a response to this, he just stands there staring at the floor, pointedly avoiding Brendon's searching gaze.

"So, he didn't cheat on you?" The other boys voice was so light and soft, wounded and echoing, just how it sounded last night. Brendon is frowning, hating himself.

"No, like I said, I'm an idiot."

Spencer does look up now, he meets Brendon's gaze, eyes masking pain. "What about last night? With me?"

Honestly, this is what Brendon was waiting for, this part of the conversation. The only problem was that now that it was here he had no idea what to say. Nothing is good enough, nothing he could say would be what Spencer would want to hear. Spencer is amazing, cute, sweet and strong, he's a million times better than Brendon is, a million times more than Brendon deserves but Brendon loves Nate.

"I knew it...I knew you would think it was a mistake." Spencer is saying, he's shaking his head, chin tilted down, eyes locked on the wet towel on the floor.

"Spencer."

"You were hurt Brendon! You were hurting and you used me to ease that pain." Spencer spits out, his voice raises but not enough for anyone outside of this room to be able to hear. "You fucking used me."

"I never said it was a mistake." Brendon counters, he doesn't. It's regretable, that's what it is. It's regretable that he and Spencer had this amazing night together but can't actually be together. It's not Spencer's fault, it's all on Brendon, Brendon was the one who talked him into it, who asked him to stay.

"But you don't want to be with me." Spencer speaks softly and Brendon doesn't know if that's a question or a statement, it comes out sounding a little like both.

"Spencer," Brendon starts and Spencer sighs, like, he's heard this speech before. "You're amazing. You are and you don't deserve someone like me, you deserve so much better than that." Spencer crosses his arms and kind of glares at Brendon. "I'm serious, I'm shit and you need someone whose just as amazing as you."

"You don't get to tell me that." Spencer says, Brendon cocks an eyebrow. "You don't get to compliment me like that, you don't get to make love to me and then tell me that I need someone better." The blue eyed boy hisses out. Brendon doesn't know what to say, what he can say.

"I'm sorry." That's all he can think of and he already knows that it isn't enough.

"Are you going to tell Nate?" Spencer asks, ignoring Brendon's apology.

"I-" Brendon closes his mouth, doesn't know how to anwser that. Nate deserves to know, that's for sure. He deserves to know and Brendon needs to tell him. If he doesn't tell, he'll be just like he thought Nate was, he'll be just like Pete. "Yes. I'm going to tell him." It's not the greatest idea, not by a long shot but it seems that Brendon's mind made itself up.

Spencer too seems surprised by this outcome. But Brendon's sure that yeah, he's going to tell Nate about last night. He's not sure when he's going to tell Nate, every second he hides that truth his body is wracked with guilt. He wonders when he started needing to tell the truth, he guesses that when your life is ruled by lies, the truth eventually becomes special.

"I don't think you should." Spencer says, Brendon's eyes shoot to Spencer's face but the other boy is staring at the floor.

"Why?"

Now Spencer does look up at Brendon, eyes soft and obviously scared. "He'll hate me if you do. He'll never talk to me again." Spencer's voice is spilling out injured and scared and Brendon still hates himself. It's only natural for Spencer to feel this way, he's been hurt and hated so many times that it's only normal that he wouldn't want Nate to feel that way.

"I have to tell him Spence, he deserves to know." Brendon keeps his own voice low, calm, trying to clean up the mess he made. "And I take the entire blame, he won't hate you. I promise." Yeah, Nate might not hate Spencer but Brendon would probably be a different story.

Spencer doesn't seem convinced, he's biting his lip as he wraps his arms around himself. "Spencer," Brendon starts, sliding up close to the younger boy, his hand coming to gently take hold of Spencer's chin, tilting his head up so their eyes meet. Spencer's eyes go heavy and he backs away from The older boys hands, not wanting to be touched, Brendon ignores the movement, already knows that he's probably ruined everything with the other boy. "No matter what happens it isn't your fault." Brendon says, the blue eyed boy nods his head but he won't look at the older boy.

Brendon's left standing there in an awkward silence, he can practically hear his friendship with Spencer crumbling and he'll have to work so much harder now to rebuild what they had. "I think you should go..." Spencer mutters, eyes glued to the floor. "He's waiting for you."

"Right." Brendon's shit, he's complete shit. He still feels like shit when he leaves the bathroom, going back to find Nate sitting in the kitchen, his familar coffee mug sitting infront of him. His eyes light up as he spots Brendon, a slightly tired smile slipping on to his face.

"Is Spencer alright?" He asks, Brendon nods automatically, even though Spencer isn't okay, none of them will be.

"Yeah, are you okay? You look tired." Brendon tells his boyfriend as he leans against the table. Nate nods, smile fading.

"I didn't sleep much, was too worried about calling you all night."

Now he feels worse, last night while Brendon was cheating on Nate, Nate was keeping himself awake and leaving multiple messages on Brendon's phone, Brendon's thinking that he really is the worse kind of person. "I'm sorry." The taller of the two boys says, he moves up behind his sitting boyfriend, his hand finding Nate's shoulder.

Nate leans back into the touch, his head tilting backwards so he can peer up at Brendon with those beautiful brown eyes, eyes that will most likely hate him by the end of this day. Brendon cups Nate's cheek, rough fingers pressing against soft cheeks. "I love you more than I've ever loved anyone else." The taller boy says, Nate smiles against Brendon's fingers.

"I love you too." Brendon really wants that to last, he doesn't want that love to fade, he doesn't want Nate to hate him but he has to tell, he owes it to both Spencer and Nate. "Do you wanna take a nap with me?" Nate asks, yawning, Brendon feeling every word spoken. He wishes he could, he wishes he could be the type of person who wouldn't feel guilty and could just take a nap with his boyfriend but he isn't so he can't.

"Will you come out to your car with me?" Brendon asks, Nate holds a confused stare but shrugs.

"Sure Bren, why?"

"Just so we can talk." Brendon's avoiding his boyfriend's gaze, doesn't want to reveal his feelings prematurely, doesn't want Nate to see his guilt ridden eyes quite yet. They go out to Nate's car, Brendon catching a glimpse of Spencer standing in the hallway on his way out the door.

"So, what do you wanna talk about?" Nate asks, he turns in his seat and leans back against the window. Brendon's eyes are locked on his jean clad legs, scratches at the rough fabric. "Brendon?" Nate tries to gain his attention when Brendon's been silent for far too long, he must know that somethings up by now.

"I want to tell you something." Brendon half whispers, he raises his gaze to meet Nate's. The smaller boy's face is a blank slate.

"What?" Now he sounds nervous, worried because these conversations always start the same way. Brendon doesn't know how to start, how do you tell the person you love the most that you've done something so terrible? He knows that there's no easy way to do it so he just bites the bullet.

"I did something I shouldn't have." Silence and Brendon knows he has to look up at his boyfriend. Nate's face is still blank but his eyes are full of worry, maybe just as much as Brendon's are of guilt.

"I thought you had cheated on me..I thought you did." Brendon's trying to justify his cheating before he even confesses to it. Nate's having none of it though.

"What'd you do Brendon?" Nate's voice is low, his mind probably going through the possibilites of what his boyfriend could've done. Brendon takes a moment to look at Nate, this would most likely be the last time he saw the smaller boy. This would be the thing to break them.

"I slept with Spencer last night."

Nate's face is blank but Brendon can barely bring himself to look at Nate. The smaller boy moves again, shifts so he's sitting normally in the drivers seat, staring out through the windshield. He's not saying anything but his hands are gripping the steering wheel, knuckles stark white.

"Nate..I'm sorry..I-I was hurting last night."

"So, instead of talking to me like an adult, you go and fuck someone else!" Nate's sharp voice echoes loudly in the confined space of the car. He still won't look at Brendon.

"Well, why didn't you tell me? If you were just helping her..why didn't you tell me that?"

Now Nate has turned his piercing gaze on Brendon and the bigger boy sort of wishes that Nate wouldn't look at him, he doesn't want it if it's like that.

"Don't you fucking dare try to blame this on me! I didn't do anything wrong, you did so, don't try to play it off on me Brendon!" Again, his voice pounds in Brendon's ears but he can't fight back. Everything Nate's saying is the truth.

"I know." He tangles his fingers into the fabric of his jeans, dropping his gaze to the clean floorboards. "It is all my fault. Everything that happened is on me. Not you and not Spencer, so, please don't blame him."

There's a silence where all that can be heard is their breathing, maybe Brendon's heart as it beats wildly out of control. The silence remains until Nate speaks, voice soft and broken.

"Was this the first time?"

"First time for what?"

"That you fucked Spencer!" Nate's yelling again, Brendon's sure he deserves it.

"Yes, it's the first and only time I ever cheated on you..the only time I ever will." Brendon can't believe that he had managed to resist Pete, the one who had such a power over him but he caved to Spencer, Spencer who never really thought it was a good idea in the first place.

Nate is silent again, Brendon can feel him staring at him out of the corner of his deep brown eyes.

"Dammit Brendon!" Nate cries out suddenly, slamming his hands against the hard plastic of the steering wheel. "Why'd you do it? I try so hard..." Nate trails off but he's looking over at Brendon, eyes sparking with tears that are threathing to spill out. "I try so hard to keep us together but it's so hard...I love you and you go and do something like this." A tear does manage to escape, sliding slowly down pale white cheek. Brendon wants to reach out and wipe that tear away.

"I know, I know. I don't deserve someone like you, I never did. I won some kind of cosmic lottery and got you and it was just a matter of time before someone realized that they made a mistake and took you away from me." Brendon's saying, he's looking at Nate and his heart is breaking. He blinks away the tears but it doesn't work. "But I do love you Nate. When I said it earlier, I meant it. You are the greatest thing to ever happen to me."

"It's hard to believe that when you were so quick to fuck someone else." Nate sounds broken, Brendon hates himself because he's the one who did it.

"Nate.." Brendon wants to say something that will make it all go away, something that will make it all perfect but there's nothing, there's nothing he can say that will fix this.

"I think you should get out of the car." Nate whispers, Brendon's heart drops a few thousand feet.

"Are...are you breaking up with me?"

"I..I don't know Brendon." Nate is avoiding his gaze but Brendon doesn't even need to see him to know how badly he's hurting, to know that he's feeling the same pain.

"Nate-"

"Go, Brendon!...Please." It's the only thing Brendon can do, he can listen and go just like Nate wants him to. He can go back into the house and have Spencer hate him, he can try not to think about how Nate hates him. He can try to go back to sleep but he knows that it will never come.

He gets out of the car.

Nate's started it up before Brendon even has the door open all the way and he's pulling away as soon as Brendon closes it. Leaving Brendon standing out on the sidewalk, hands clenched tight at his sides, Spencer at his back and his heart taking a nosedive, crashing straight into the pavement.


chapter fourty: Alone

Brendon thinks he must stand outside for at least five minutes. He doesn't know what else to do, he's watching the spot just over the horizon, the place where he saw Nate's car dip down and disappear. His body feels hopeless, lost, the last time he felt like this had been when Pete left, left in almost the same way as Nate had.

Brendon only comes back to his senses when he hears his cell phone ringing out from his pocket. He hadn't even realized that he had brought it out to the car with him. For a brief moment, Brendon allows himself to think that it's Nate calling but he knows better and hell, if he didn't feel like shit before, he does now because it's Gabe calling him.

God, Gabe is just about the last person that Brendon wants to talk to right now and if he weren't just on this side of afraid of Gabe, he wouldn't answer. But he does.

"Hey, Gabe." His voice can't even come out pretending to sound happy, or even normal.

"Brendon, good news." Gabe sounds like he doesn't have a care in the damn world, he probably doesn't.

"What would that be?"

Brendon can pratically hear the smile in Gabe's voice.

"I figured out a brand new favor that you can do for me." The older boy says, Brendon opens his mouth to speak but Gabe cuts him off. "And don't worry, you won't have to kill anyone." Gabe sounds like he's in a much better mood than he was the last time they spoke, Brendon's relieved.

"Alright, what is it this time?" Brendon forces his voice to leave his throat, it's hard with the tightness, the unbelieveable need to scream at the top of his lungs.

"Just let me come pick you up and we'll discuss it then." Gabe tells Brendon, the younger boy finds himself nodding even though Gabe can't actually see him.

"Yeah, I'll be waiting outside." Brendon says before he and Gabe hang up. It could be a bad idea to even leave with Gabe, the older man tended to get Brendon in trouble but going back inside, back to Spencer and being alone with his thoughts didn't sound too appealing, at least Gabe would serve as a distraction.

Brendon doesn't turn around the entire time he waits for Gabe. He stands there on the sidewalk, right where Nate left him. He doesn't turn to see if Spencer's watching, or if Ryan's awake yet. In about five minutes time Brendon spots Gabe's car speeding down the street, slightly screeching to a stop infront of Brendon.

Gabe's wearing a huge grin, which Brendon doesn't really know if that's a good thing or not. Gabe leans over and opens Brendon's door from the inside, pushing it open for the younger boy.

"Eager or what?" The older man asks, Brendon slides into the car, holding himself coiled tight, he can't bring himself to relax.

"Or what." Brendon replies, voice soft. Gabe makes a small noise of amusement.

"Why do you look like someone kicked your puppy, kid?" Gabe asks Brendon as he pulls away from the younger boy's house, skimming smoothly along the streets.

"I-" Brendon pushes his calloused fingers through his dark hair. "I'm pretty sure my boyfriend broke up with me today." Gabe throws a pout on his face before he leans over and rufffles Brendon's hair.

"Was that why he was watching you leave with me?" Gabe presses, hand leaving Brendon's head.

"What?" Brendon asks, dares himself to believe that Nate had returned.

"The guy who was standing in your doorway."

Brendon's hopes are dashed because that's not Nate, it's Spencer. He shakes his head, avoids Gabe's face. "Not him..he's sorta the reason for the break-up." Brendon explains, he doesn't want to go through the entire ordeal all over again, once was already too much.

Gabe eyes Brendon but doesn't say anything. They drive in semi-silence for the next three minutes, taking the winding roads that lead back to his place.

"On the phone you said that we'd be discussing the new favor?" Brendon starts, removing his gaze from the window and looking over at the older boy. Gabe looks at him, lips twitching up into a smile.

"Right, of course, if you're so eager to get down to business."

Brendon is, because business means not thinking about Nate. The younger boy nods and looks at Gabe expectantly. Gabe smiles again, a raise of his lips and it's just this side of creepy.

"Okay, my dear Victoria happens to be out of town for a few weeks, visiting her parents or something. And of course we both know that Hayley happens to be unfuckable these days." Gabe throws a mock stern look at Brendon, the younger boy keeps his face carefully blank, it seems that Gabe doesn't know that Hayley left town.

"I'm not really understanding where I come into all this." Brendon supplies, Gabe is a mystery to him. The man's grin widens as he makes a turn, they're close to his house now.

"See, this whole thing has left me very frustrated, sexually of course." Gabe's not watching Brendon, he's paying his attention to the road, or at least he looks like he is.

"So, you want me to find you a new girl to fuck?" Brendon doesn't think that that's such a great idea, he's never been good at picking up girls. They arrive at Gabe's place, pulling into the driveway, Gabe killing the engine but neither of them get out.

"No, I want to fuck you." Gabe's voice is low but Brendon catches every word and they're heavy, like a weight on his shoulders.

"What? But I thought you were-"

"Desperate times call for desperate measures. Besides, it's not like you're horrible looking Brendon."

Brendon's mouth just sort of hangs open, no words will come to mind. He never thought Gabe was interested in guys that way, gay above the waist or whatever.

"What about William? I mean wouldn't you rather-"

Gabe seems to predict what Brendon was going to say, he shakes his head.

"Not William, he gets too attached. I need someone who can fuck and not get attached to me. You're perfect."

They're silent, just staring at each other in the confined space of the car. Brendon can't believe that this is the new offer, it's come down to murder or sex. He's not turned on, not at all and fucking is just about the last thing he feels like doing on the day he got dumped. Gabe's still watching him, dark eyes and slight smile. It seems like he's plotted this all out, for every question, every suggestion that Brendon makes, Gabe has an anwser perpaired.

"I-Are you giving me a choice here?" Brendon asks, the air between them is heavy and awkward. Gabe laughs just a little.

"Of course, this isn't rape. But if you don't want to do this, I'll have to think of something new for you to do and I can't promise that it will be any better."

Brendon bites his lip, his mind racing between a million or so ways that this could go. He's feeling uncomfortable with this arrangment but he's more terrified at what else Gabe could come up with.

"I-" There's really nothing stopping him, Nate broke up with him. He has no one to anwser to anymore, no reason to say no.."Throw in some coke and we have a deal." Brendon breathes out, feels his body relax a bit. Gabe grins and nods before opening his car door and practically skipping to his front door.

Brendon sighs and pushes his own heavy door open, follows Gabe's path to the door, the older boy holding the door open for Brendon.

It's no less awkward once they're inside than it was out in the car. Brendon stands, folded in on himself in the living room while Gabe shucks off his black jacket, for once he's wearing something other than white. The older man disappears from Brendon's line of sight, heading into the backrooms, probably to grab the drug that Brendon had requested.

He returns and sure enough, he has the cocaine in hand. Gabe takes a seat on the bright red sofa, pats the spot next to him, motioning for Brendon to sit down. He goes, legs moving slow until he's there and he's sitting and Gabe is passing him the drug.

Brendon snorts it up quickly, eager for the drug to numb everything he's been feeling. Once they've both snorted their drugs, that's when Gabe gets down to business. He's looking at Brendon, a strange gleam in his dark eyes. On Brendon's part, he doesn't really know what to do, he's never had to force it before. Everytime he's kissed someone, he's wanted to do it.

Gabe's the one who starts it. He slides forward quickly, large hands on Brendon's face, wrapping around his neck and pulling the younger boy close. Their lips meet warm and hard, Gabe's tongue sliding out to press at Brendon's bottom lip. He opens his mouth even though he still isn't comfortable with this, he's not enjoying this, even with the drug's help.

Gabe pushes him down on his back on the couch, slides a hand up his shirt, fingers playing over taut creamy skin. Brendon's letting Gabe do all the work, whatever the older man wants. Their kissing increases, Gabe's tongue tangling with Brendon's and it's not like last night, not like when Brendon had kissed Spencer, there's no spark, no passion here.

Gabe tugs on Brendon's shirt until the boy is leaning up, tugging until the shirt is off of him. The older man takes a moment to drink Brendon in, eyes scanning all along the pale frame of his body. Gabe drops his mouth to Brendon's neck, kissing downward. The dark haired man pulls away again, so he can get his own shirt off, press their chests together.

Brendon is trying to enjoy it, focusing on the feel of Gabe's mouth sweeping over his collarbones, down his chest, tounge gliding down his stomach. And maybe he can enjoy it if he doesn't think, doesn't allow himself to think about whose mouth it is, or rather, whose it isn't.

Gabe's hands find the top of Brendon's jeans and he's undoing them. Brendon isn't hard, barely even half and he's not sure how to explain it away, he's not even sure if Gabe will care. The man gets his pants open and snakes a hand inside, rubs at Brendon who still can't get hard. Gabe doesn't say anything, brings his hand out and tugs at Brendon's jeans, gets them down to his knees along with his underwear.

The older man flashes a grin at Brendon before he drops his mouth fluidly over the younger boy's cock. Brendon arches into Gabe, hips pushing up and Gabe just takes him deeper. No matter if Brendon's comfortable with this or not, a blowjob is a blowjob. Brendon grows hard in Gabe's mouth, the dark haired man making pleased noises as he sucks at Brendon, his hands gripping Brendon's thighs.

Gabe pulls off once he's determined that Brendon's hard enough. He's staring at the younger boy's body, a deep hungry look in his eyes.

"I can't believe you've been hiding this away from me." He says, pushing warm rough hands up over Brendon's hard stomach. Brendon doesn't know what to say, he's never really been attracted to Gabe, maybe once a long time ago but not now. Gabe slides back up the length of Brendon's body, the younger boy's cock sliding wet against Gabe's clothed stomach.

They kiss again and Brendon takes some initative, sliding hands down and pulling Gabe's shirt up, they break apart so he can get it off the rest of the way, revealing Gabe's flat tanned stomach. Brendon let's his hands wander against taut muscle, pressing against slightly darkened nipples. The coke must be spreading through his body because that uncomfortable feeling is easing away, being replaced not by a huge want but an okay sort of feeling, just enough to make him okay with this happening.

Their kissing continues, hot and wet and Gabe is really, really good with his tongue. Gabe is undoing his black dress pants, letting them slide down his hips. He breaks away from Brendon, kneeling back, eyes dark with lust.

"I want you to blow me." Gabe commands and Brendon's reminded of the last time he saw Gabe's cock, how it was being shoved down Tyga's throat. But it's part of the favor and if Brendon wants out from owing Gabe, well, then he has to do it. Brendon leans up as Gabe falls back on the couch, he's letting Brendon do the work now. The young dark haired boy, kneeling infront of Gabe, hands sliding into his pants and pulling down, down, down, until Gabe's pants are around his knees.

Brendon pulls Gabe's cock out, rock hard in his warm hand. He closes his brown eyes before he leans forward and flickers his tongue over the hard flesh. He's never been a big fan of giving blowjobs, Pete liked them, Nate liked giving them as did Ryan. Brendon mostly just performs the same things that Pete had liked. Licking around the head, the shaft, closing his mouth around the tip and hollowing his cheeks.

Gabe's groaning under him, hands finding his hair and pushing nimble fingers through the soft strands.

"God, you're good at this Bren...better than Vicky at least." Gabe mutters out, his voice cutting like a knife through Brendon's body. He doesn't want to hear him just like he doesn't want to see him. That makes it real, that means that he really is in this situation.

Brendon bobs along Gabe's thick cock, he's big and Brendon can't take him down all that far but the older boy doesn't seem to mind.

"Bren, Bren, look at me." Gabe tells him, voice low and about a thousand times sexier than ususal. Brendon reluctantly does what Gabe asks, opening his eyes and meeting Gabe's gaze. This makes Gabe groan out loud, his turn on's becoming more than apparent for Brendon.

The younger boy sucked Gabe off for a few moments longer, Gabe's hand on the back of his head like a steady guide until the man's hand tightened in Brendon's hair and he lifted the boy off of his cock.

"I don't want to come yet." He explains, gazing at Brendon's undoubtedly swollen mouth. Brendon licks at his lips and Gabe's breath stutters. His hand slides down to Brendon's wrist, tugging him up the length of his body so that their lips would meet in a wet, wet kiss. "Can I fuck you now?" Gabe whispers against Brendon's lips. The boy is silent for a few beats, what could it hurt now? It's what Gabe wanted all along, it wasn't like he was going to say no.

He can't bring himself to say yes so, he just nods instead. Gabe lets a small smirk play on his lips before he's scrambling all long limbs off the couch, gently pulling Brendon up with him. Brendon toes off his sneakers and gets his jeans off the rest of the way, Gabe doing the same on his part.

They're once again standing in an slight awkward silence, each one waiting for the other to make the first move. Gabe is the one who does it, he's standing by the end of the couch and he motions for Brendon to come to him, Brendon does. He's expecting to be led back to the bedroom, a sickening thought hitting him because that's the same room where Travis raped Ryan, no matter what they cannot fuck in that room.

"I-I don't want to fuck in your bedroom." Brendon says as Gabe's hand finds his wrist. The taller boy smiles down at Brendon.

"I know, I already have a solution." Gabe informs the other boy as he leans down and gives him a quick, almost posessive kiss. Gabe breaks the kiss and the next thing Brendon knows is that he's being turned around, back to Gabe so that he's facing the couch. Brendon feels hands on his back, gently pushing him forward. "Over the couch ok?" He asks, mouth pressing hot against the back of Brendon's neck.

"I-yeah." Brendon finds himself saying, his cock twitching despite himself. Gabe laughs softly from behind Brendon, hands on the other boy's body, helping him get situated.

Brendon ends up bent over the arm of the bright red couch, exposed and open for Gabe. In the back of his mind Brendon is reminded of his brief time as a pornstar, how this seems like a scene out of one of those movies. Gabe's hands palm at his ass, spreading him open wider than he already is. Gabe must've been prepared beforehand because he already has a bottle of lube in his hands and he's already sliding slicked fingers inside of Brendon.

Brendon burries his face in his folded arms, muffling the wet sounds that are being pulled from him. This doesn't feel right, not like Brendon's used to. He's used to Nate. Gabe places feather soft kisses along the base of Brendon's spine as his fingers work the younger boy open.

"Are you ready, Brenny?" Gabe asks and Brendon lifts his head, nods. In moments he's feeling the slick head of Gabe's cock pressing at his enterance.

"Wait, wait, condom Gabe." Brendon reminds him.

"Don't wanna wear one." He replies, and it's too late because he's already pressed himself inside of Brendon. The younger boy makes a sort of choked off sound, he's never really been with anyone as big as Gabe, it's interesting. His mind is still trying to get over the lack of a condom, Gabe's situation with Hayley should've been proof enough that condoms weren't a big thing for him.

Gabe is burried to the hilt inside of Brendon, the younger boy squirming only a little at the slightly uncomfortable position he's in. Gabe's hands find Brendon's hips and hold firmly, tilting and pushing and Brendon finds himself being pushed down the couch, his hips resting against the arm of the couch and his ass high in the air.

The older boy starts moving now, still gripping Brendon's hips as he slides out nearly all the way before pushing quickly back inside. The new angle apparently allows Gabe to get as deep into Brendon as he can, finding that spot inside the younger boy, the spot that makes him twitch and makes his hips stutter against the material of the couch.

"God, you're way tighter than you should reasonably be." Gabe grunts out as he starts a steady rythymn inside of Brendon, hitting that spot early and consistantly enough to make Brendon moan out, muffled once again by his arms. Gabe's thruts were vicious, hard enough to make Brenon slide against the couch but Gabe didn't let him slip down all the way, holding him steady by his hips as he slammed himself into Brendon's ass.

Brendon was biting at the skin of his forearm. It felt good and he was just a tiny bit disgusted at himself for enjoying this, he shouldn't be able to get off today, not when things had been so shitty for him. But Gabe, god, Gabe was good at this and if he wasn't screwing William all along then Brendon wonders just who he's been practicing on.

Gabe's moaning out, letting some broken pieces of spanish slip into his grunts and moans. The sound of their skin hitting fills Brendon's ears but the coke and the pleasure is too high for him to worry about much of anything besides fufilling his favor to Gabe.

Brendon feels a rough hand sweep up his back, fingers pressing against his neck, moving higher until Gabe's fingers are tangled in Brendon's jet black hair. Gabe tightens his grip and tugs back, brings Brendon's head up and away from his arms, exposing the moans that Brendon wanted to hide, he didn't want to hear himself moaning like the whore that he was.

And he was a whore, sitting here and letting Gabe use his ass, fuck him because he has no one else. Getting off on being used by the much older man...maybe so he wouldn't feel so damn alone.

"Fuck, tell me you love it Bren, tell me." Gabe was muttering, thrusting hard with each word. Brendon whimpered and tried to angle himself so he could get a hand on his cock but Gabe tugged his head back harder.

"I love it...Gabe." Brendon moans out raggedly, it's hard to say anything with the way Gabe has his head tilted back, throat exposed and tight. Gabe growls and rams himself into Brendon, hitting that spot again and Brendon can't stop the loud moan that escapes him. He wants to come, he does and he wants Gabe to come too, he wants this to be over so he can just go home and not owe anyone anything.

"You're a fucking slut but you're so damn good at it." This just might be a compliment coming from Gabe. His fingers drop from Brendon's head and move back to his hips, fingers digging into skin and Brendon wouldn't be all that surprised if he ended up having bruises.

Brendon's head drops forward without Gabe pulling it back and he digs his elbows into the couch, trying to find some purchase as Gabe tilts his hips, getting at his ass once again. Brendon tightens around Gabe, feeling the hot drag of his cock pushing deep inside. Gabe's groaning and his hips work in a frenzy, slamming against Brendon's ass, making an array of obscene sounds.

"Fuck, Bren, fuck." Gabes growling out, he leans down so that his body is curled over Brendon's, so that he's positively suffocating the younger boy between him and the couch. Gabe's biting at Brendon's neck, panting and whispering again in that broken spanish, fragments of words that Brendon doesn't know. Gabe's obviously close and he grunts a few more times before he freezes inside of Brendon and comes.

Brendon's slightly grossed out, no condom and Gabe's come is pooling around inside him. But he's still hard, his cock throbbing almost painfully against his stomach and a couch cushion. Gabe, who had been catching his breath seems to remember Brendon's predicament and moves away from Brendon, goes to the couch and sits down at the end opposite of Brendon.

The younger boy is panting, staring at Gabe and he doesn't know what to do. God, he wants to touch himself but he doesn't know if that's what Gabe wants. The older boy motions for Brendon to come over to him, Brendon gets himself off the arm of the couch and makes his way to Gabe, ignoring the feeling of the older man's come leaking out of inside of him.

Gabe grabs Brendon's wrist once he's close enough and pulls him down to the couch. He's on his back now, legs almost on Gabe's lap. The older man moves up Brendon's body until his face is level with Brendon's cock. Much like he did early, Gabe drops down the length of the younger boys cock, Brendon moaning out instantly at the intense heat his previously neglected cock is getting.

Gabe ends up taking the entire length of Brendon's cock down and okay, so maybe Gabe's not as strictly straight as Brendon had thought because no straight man should be able to deepthroat like that. He does all these moves, things that seem to be designed purely to make Brendon come and it's working. He's arching up off the couch, Gabe's hands pressing on his hips, holding him down.

Brendon's fingers tangle in Gabe's hair, holding tight as the older boy works his mouth over the hard flesh. It doesn't take much longer, Brendon coming with Gabe's mouth still on him. The older boy pulls back and moves up, kissing Brendon, a warm wetness filling the younger boy's mouth. Gabe was sharing Brendon's come, pushing it around both of their mouths.

It's something Brendon's never done before, not something he does enjoy doing but he's playing by Gabe's rules now. They break apart and Gabe is grinning broadly, lips wet and shining.

"Did you like that Brendon?" Gabe presses, hands pushing through Brendon's sweat slicked hair. All Brendon can do is nod, it's not like he hated it. "Good." Gabe says, kisses Brendon, just a quick peck on the lips. "You did your favor spectacularly. You're such a good boy, Brenny." Gabe's showering a multitude of compliments and affection on to Brendon, maybe to ward off the truly perverted nature of the favor. "Get dressed and I'll take you home."

Brendon dresses in silence, the cocaine and the post sex high wearing down. It's leaving him feeling empty, a sort of hollow that nothing can fill..nothing but having Nate back. Afterwards he feels cheap, basically he got fucked for some coke. Gabe returns re-dressed and he ushers Brendon out to the car, there's only a slight burn when Brendon walks, earned from Gabe being bigger than Brendon's used to.

They're back in the car and Brendon's staring out the window, mind empty and heart conflicted. "Bren," Gabe starts, Brendon looks over at him, assumes that he'll say something comforting. "You get that we're not going to talk about this right?" Gabe says, pulling his eyes off the road to look at Brendon.

"Yeah," Brendon doesn't think that Vicky would be too pleased about this. Gabe nods and goes back to driving, Brendon checks his cell phone in vain, hoping that there will be a call from Nate, there isn't.

"Good, so, you and I are back to square one." Gabe smiles, glancing back at Brendon. How he can so easily slip from frightening to jolly, it's a Gabe Saporta skill. Brendon tries to force a smile on his face but he doesn't think it's working, he never feels like smiling again.

"What ever happened about Hayley?" Brendon finds himself asking, he'd really fucking hate if all Nate's work had been in vain and Gabe had gotten his hands on her anyway. Gabe makes a choked off noise before he sighs deeply.

"That bitch slipped out of my hands, took off out of town but I suppose if she isn't here than Vicky will never find out about it and I won't have to take care of some brat."

Brendon makes a silent 'oh' with his lips, looks back out the window. So, it was all really worth it in the end.

The two of them are silent for the rest of the car ride. Brendon's too busy trying to untangle his feelings, unravel what each emotion is. Regret, pain, fear, lonliness, he classifies each one and tucks them away, wants them to stop but they won't and he can't really bring himself to look Gabe in the face.

Gabe rolls up slowly to Brendon's house, the lights are off which is strange, what's stranger is that Brendon's car isn't in the driveway. Gabe doesn't seem to think this is at all odd as he talks to Brendon.

"So, if you need me call me. I promise I won't call in another favor for a good long while." Gabe says, hand squeezing Brendon's shoulder. The boy nods but Gabe's words aren't really registering to him, in one ear and out the other. Maybe Spencer went to the store as he sometimes did? Brendon really didn't feel like being alone but maybe Spencer really didn't feel like being around Brendon.

He props his door open and gives Gabe one last glance back before he leaves the car. He's not sure why but an unsettling feeling is sinking into him, like when you walk into your room and you know that something's different but you really can't pinpoint what that something is.

The front door is unlocked, it always is but still. He flicks on the living room light as Gabe drives away, his sports car speeding down the lonely road. Inside the house there is something different, it feels empty for some reason, Spencer and Ryan definitly aren't home.

Brendon sighs and mourns the fact that he's alone. He wants someone here with him, wants Ryan to smile at him and wants Spencer to not hate him. He slides past the kitchen table, intent on heading to his room and laying down for awhile, until Spencer and Ryan return. Something catches his eye on the kitchen table though, a piece of stark white notebook paper.

He picks it up and scans the small neat handwriting that had to belong to Spencer.

'Brendon,

I know that you said that Nate wouldn't hate me, that you wouldn't blame me...but I can't help but feeling that all these horrible things that keep happening to you are my fault. I know that if you want to have any chance at all of getting back together with Nate...that..that I can't be here, I can't live here. So, I'm leaving.'

Brendon's eyes widen at the note, his hand trembling but the note isn't finished.

'I'm sorry...I know you've done so much for me, saved me in so many ways but I can't be here anymore. I have to take your car..again, I'm sorry. I promise I'll find a way to get it back to you.'

There's still more to the note but a horrible thought seizes Brendon's mind, snakes it's way freezing cold into his chest. Where the fuck is Ryan? Forgetting the note for the moment Brendon races to Ryan's room, throwing open the closed door and please, please, he just wants Ryan to be sleeping in here.

He's not.

The room is still mostly full, Ryan's stupid obnoxiously pink stuffed monkey that he sleeps with still sitting on the bed. But there are somethings missing, clothes, books, the video game that Nate had bought for Ryan. Brendon almost can't stand, he wobbles and leans against the wooden frame of Ryan's room. With shaking hands he finishes the note from Spencer.

'This is the hardest part...Ryan..Ryan's with me Brendon. I wasn't going to take him but he saw me getting ready to leave, he begged me to not leave him alone....god, I'm sorry. I-I know that you love him, I do but-but maybe he's better off with me? Maybe he'll have a better chance at becoming semi-normal once again...I'll take good care of him..I promise.

I'm sorry Brendon, I hope that this decision winds up being the best choice for all of us.

Love, Spencer.'

Brendon doesn't know when he slid to the floor, doesn't know at what point he started to cry and shake. He can't believe it...he can't...Spencer left? Ryan's gone...he took Ryan. Brendon swears and crumples the paper into a ball, throwing it against the floor. How dare he, how fucking dare Spencer decide what's best for Ryan, how dare he just steal the older boy away.

Brendon crumples to the floor and he pounds his fists against the dirty wood. He can't believe this...his best friend is gone...but what's worse is that he's all alone. He has no one, no Ryan, no Spencer, no Nate...not even Pete, no one and there's no drug, no pill, nothing that can take away that deep searing pain.



chapter fourty-one: rescue me from everything

Brendon doesn't know how long he lays on the floor like that. His mind is foggy, slow, like, he's trudging through molasses. He honestly can't bring himself to believe it, to believe that Spencer could just up and go just like that. Steal Brendon's car and his best friend. Sure, he didn't always take the best care of Ryan but he made a promise, he promised that he'd always be there but now...now Spencer and Ryan could be anywhere.

Brendon doesn't know who to call, who can help in this situation. There doesn't seem to be anyone. Gabe, but knowing him he'd end up getting Spencer into trouble and Brendon was none too eager to start owing the older boy once again. Nate? Nate loves Ryan but will he even want to help Brendon? Maybe he, much like Spencer, thinks that Ryan is better off without Brendon in his life.

Brendon manages to fish out his cell phone, cycling through all the numbers. His tears have dried up but his breathing is uneven and a sharp pain is pressing all through his body. He sits up, knees pulled to his chest on Ryan's bedroom floor. He goes through lists of names, anyone, anyone who can help.

Only one name jumps out at him...Pete.

Normally he wouldn't, he already knows that he shouldn't but god, this is an emergency. Brendon decides to call Nate first, to just try because the worst case scenario is that he won't help and Brendon is already expecting that. He can't say that he isn't nervous as he dials Nate, it rings and rings but Nate doesn't anwser, must know that it's him. Brendon winds up leaving a message, his voice sounding oddly wrecked. He explains the situation to Nate, asks the older boy to call him back.

Brendon waits a good three minutes before he decides to call Pete. He finds the new number that the much older boy had called from the last time the two had spoken. Pete's words ring around in Brendon's head; 'If you decide you want to see me...just call.' So, that's what Brendon does, dialing up the new number and Brendon can only hope that wherever Pete is, he isn't with Patrick.

It rings three times before someone picks up. The sharp voice of Pete filling Brendon's ears.

"Brendon?" He sounds astonished that Brendon's actually called him. It's been weeks since they spoke that last time.

"Yeah," Brendon sounds like hell and he wonders if Pete will notice.

"What's wrong? You sound like shit."

"I-I need some help.."

"God, oh god, you're not like, ODing are you? Or comitting suicide or something?" Pete stammers out, voice filled with concern, a concern that honestly makes Brendon feel warm for the first time since he got home.

"No, nothing like that...I guess you could say I've been robbed. Can you-" He doesn't want to ask this of Pete, Pete sounds good...sounds like he's doing great in his life. "Can you come over?"

There's a silence over the line and Brendon's expecting a no. There's a slight sigh before Pete's soft voice issues over Brendon.

"Patrick is working so, I only have a couple hours but yeah...I'll be right over."

"Thanks Pete."

"Anything for you Bren."

They hang up and Brendon sits in the silence, feeling oddly comforted by talking to Pete. Pete meant that he wasn't all alone, that he wouldn't have to be here by himself, even if only for a couple of hours.

Brendon forces himself to move out to the couch, his mind still isn't working properly. He's not even sure what Pete could do to help. Pete doesn't know Spencer, couldn't handle post accident Ryan. And Spencer, Spencer is practically untraceable. Sure, he has Brendon's car but how much help could that be if Brendon didn't want to call the cops? The boy has no clue as to where Spencer might go, digging through his memories, of everything that Spencer ever told him. Only one thing comes to mind, the time when they were in the car together, when Spencer told Brendon that his mother lived in the area.

The black haired boy swears and tosses his cell phone down on the couch. He doesn't even know Spencer's mom's name and Smith is just about the most common last name in the world so finding it in a phonebook seems practically impossible. He's at a dead end and every second that he can't think of something to do is another second that Ryan and Spencer get farther away from him.

There's the sound of squealing tires outside of his house, it must be Pete. He doesn't bother looking, doesn't bother getting up because Pete already knows that the door is never locked, already knows that he's allowed to come right in. Pete is already familar with Brendon's life.

He can hear the scrape of rubber soles against the cement path leading up to his house and the door is being pushed open.

"Bren?" Pete's voice is soft, maybe like he wasn't sure what he was going to see once he came in.

"Couch." Brendon replies, shifting slightly so he could see Pete. The older man's face is just as soft as his voice.

"Hey." Pete looks around, scanning Brendon's house. "You said you were robbed? What got taken?" Pete asks, the rough scratch of Pete's shoes against the floor fills Brendon's ears. The older boy is standing beside him, peering down.

God, Pete does look good. Healthier than Brendon's seen in a long, long time. This Pete is almost a mirror version of the Pete that Brendon first met, world champion soccer player. Pete tucks his car keys into the pocket of his tight jeans, waits for Brendon to anwser.

"Ryan..."

Pete's eyes widen. "What? Brendon, what the fuck?" Pete plops down next to Brendon, worried eyes. Brendon's starting to get the impression that Pete thinks he's just tripping on some bad shit.

"Ryan, Ryan was what was taken." Brendon sounds pitiful and Pete, well, he's just silent. "Spencer took him." Brendon adds, giving Pete as much of the story as he'll understand. The older man cocks his head to the side.

"The kid that lived next door to you?" Brendon nods, not fully aware that Pete even knew Spencer. Though he should've been because Pete knows everyone, everyone but himself.

"He was living here and I came home and they were just...gone. He left me a goddamn note telling me that Ryan was better off without me!" Brendon holds back the tears, or at least he does until Pete's hand is resting warm and safe and comforting on his shoulder. "And he took my fucking car."

"It'll be alright." Pete's words are empty because no, nothing will ever be alright again. He's lost everything, everyone that matters. Brendon slumps down into Pete's touch, against Pete's body and the older boy is so safe and warm and Brendon just wants to be like this forever. He needs something consistant, can't keep getting passed around, he just can't.

Brendon does cry now, against Pete's shoulder, his neck. He's crying because the last two people who gave a shit about him are gone and he has no one to blame but himself. And even Pete, even Pete is temporary because he belongs to Patrick.

"Look," Pete starts, he tips Brendon's head up. "Look, we'll drive around okay? We'll look for your car and maybe we'll find them and you can talk Spencer into coming back here. Alright?" Brendon nods but he's not so sure that he likes that Pete's turned into mr. hopeful.

They leave in Pete's car...well, technically Andy's car but whatever. Pete's rambling, saying anything he can to keep the silence away, to keep Brendon's mind off the two missing pieces of his house, of his life. Pete talks about how he's managed to stay clean, he apologizes for the slip up he had when he called Brendon. He talks about how he works at a clothing store in the mall folding shirts for five bucks an hour and how Patrick is proud of him.

Brendon doesn't know what to think about this Pete Wentz.

Pete asks about Brendon's life, what's been happening besides this unfortunate situation. Brendon is surprised to find that he spills his guts. He tells Pete about Nate, about the porn and the suspected cheating, about the break up. He tells him about Spencer and the abuse and the sex and the way he's so good with Ryan. He talks about Ryan and how he speaks normally now, how he's getting better everyday. Jon and the suicide, Travis and the fight at the grocery store. Gabe and the sex, the favors, the framing, dirty cops and every other event that led up to this moment.

Pete sits in silence for a few long moments before he starts talking about folding t-shirts again.

The two of them are parked at a stop light when Brendon looks over at Pete. He just looks, tanned skin and jagged bangs, wide smile, bright eyes. Pete looks good. Brendon always thought that Pete was the worse out of the two of them, was always the one who would never be able to break away from the life of drugs and abuse. But now, now Pete had done it and Brendon hasn't, Brendon's now the worse, the one who can't break away from the gutter life that he's grown so fond of.

It seems like a lifetime ago that Brendon used to be so desperately in love with Pete. He won't lie and say that there isn't something still there, some deep caring that will never really fade away. Pete was his first after Ryan, after the one girl that Brendon had ever been with. But that love, the intense need to be with the older man, that has faded. That need belongs to Nate now. Somewhere along the line the two of them have shifted, changed, almost switched positions.

"I'm glad you called me." Pete starts, turns his head and promptly catches Brendon staring at him. "I mean, you know, after we broke up or whatever and I got clean...I thought we wouldn't be able to see each other anymore." The older man says.

"But Patrick still doesn't approve." Brendon points out, he could be wrong but he highly doubts that Patrick changed his opinion in the last few months. Pete shakes his head. "But I don't blame him. I mean, you were screwing me behind his back."

Pete's jaw tightens and the light changes but he nods, foot stepping on the gas. "Yeah, but he's forgiven me for that. We're working it out, we're going to be alright." Pete sounds desperate, desperate to believe that.

"You should tell Patrick that he doesn't have to worry." Pete tilts his head in Brendon's direction, questioning brown eyes. "I found someone whose worth being faithful to. I found my own Patrick."

Sure, okay, so maybe Brendon fucked up a couple of times with Nate but he still loves him more than anyone else he's ever been with.

"And your own Brendon." Pete adds, Brendon must look confused because Pete elaborates. "Spencer." He clarifies. Pete grins while Brendon holds a blank stare. He and Pete are sort of locked in the middle ground and it's hard to know where the two of them stand.

Brendon opens his mouth to say something back but the words get cut off by Pete.

"Bren, isn't that your car?" Pete asks and he's pointing, Brendon's head whipping around catching just the slightest of glimpses of his own car, parked alone in the parking lot of the supermarket. The same place that Brendon and Spencer had run into Travis. Pete can't stop in the middle of traffic but god, it is his car! Maybe, maybe Spencer went to the supermarket, stopped by there.

"Pete! We gotta go back!" Brendon urges, Pete nods and they speed through a yellow light, Pete turning swiftly and pulling a full 360 degree turnaround. Pete skidded over to the other side of the street, horns blaring and middle fingers waving around them. They get back to the supermarket, sliding into the lot and Pete claming a spot right next to Brendon's car.

Brendon's out of Pete's car before it's even fully stopped and he isn't sure which to go to first, the car or inside to see if the two boys were there. He picks the car first, a stark white note attached under the windshield wiper. It's from Spencer, simple and not at all helpful.

"What's it say?" Pete asks, leaning against the side of his own car, keys in hand. Brendon meets his eyes.

"I promised I would return your car..." Brendon swears and crumples up the paper, tossing it over his shoulder. The keys are in the ignition of the car, the doors unlocked and Brendon already knows that Spencer and Ryan won't be in the store. But he checks anyway.

Five minutes later he and Pete are back in the parking lot. Brendon's hands balled into fists.

"Do you want me to follow you home?" Pete asks, Brendon nods more automatically then of choice. It's getting darker and Brendon, well, he kind of doesn't want to be alone quite yet. They leave and Brendon has no idea what to do next. He found his car but in all honesty, that wasn't what he was looking for.

If he knew anything at all about Spencer, it's that he's good at hiding, keeping himself quiet and away from those he wants to stay away from. He was quickly realizing that chances were good that he'd never find them not unless Spencer wanted to be found.

Brendon drives and tries to keep a look out for anything, like maybe he'll just randomly spot the two boys somewhere. Brendon wouldn't be surprised if Spencer decided to leave this city, what did he really have to stick around for anyway? A fresh start for him and Ryan, a way for Brendon to not find them.

The boy arrives back to his place, Pete pulling up in the driveway behind him. Pete had probably been with him for about an hour and a half now. Patrick was getting out of work soon and even Pete would have to leave him. Pete gets out though and walks up behind Brendon, tossing an arm around his shoulder.

"You got anything to drink?" Pete asks, Brendon wants to believe that he means something like water, soda pop, but the way he said it, the way he's staring at Brendon. He knows that he means of the alcoholic variety.

"Thought you were clean?" Brendon questions, pushes his door open and slips away from Pete so he can enter the house.

"Helps take the edge off." Pete says, Brendon throws a supicious look at him. "And Patrick approves." He adds. Brendon digs out a beer for Pete, it's been a long while since anyone in the house had drank. Brendon finding other vices to fill his time.

"What are you going to do now Bren?" Pete asks, twists the top off the bottle and tosses it back on to the table top. Brendon gives a slight shrug. He tries to reverse his life in his mind, go back to exactly what he was doing with his life before Spencer, before Nate. But he's hard pressed to find a time in his life without Ryan there.

"Try to win my Patrick back?" It comes off sounding like a question. Brendon's fingers twitch and he wants to check his cell but it never rang once in his pocket. Pete smiles and tilts his beer in Brendon's direction. Almost like he's toasting. The younger boy sighs out raggedly as his thoughts refocus on Nate, more like the lack of Nate.

The next thing he knows Pete's arms are wrapped around him and he's being pulled into a bonecrushing hug. It's nice and simple, warm. It's just what Brendon needs and it's just like Pete to know that. They stay that way, Brendon lined up tight against Pete, the younger boy's chin almost able to rest atop Pete's head.

"Isn't Patrick getting out of work soon?" He doesn't want Pete to go, just doesn't want the older boy to get in trouble. Pete pulls back, stares into Brendon's eyes and the taller boy can feel the beer bottle pressing cold against his back as Pete hooks his hands over Brendon's shoulders.

"Patrick is patient." Pete points out and maybe the two of them are too close, closer than two people who aren't fucking anymore should be. Pete's kinda leaning in and a part of Brendon wants to let him, let them kiss if that's what Pete's intending. But he doesn't, turning his head at the very last second, Pete's warm lips connecting with his cheek.

Brendon can feel Pete's smile against his face. "I guess you really have moved on." The older man states and he slips away from Brendon, ruffling the boy's dark hair. Pete's grinning as he leans against the table and take a swig of beer.

Brendon nods, hands fidgiting with nothing for them to do. That's true. He and Pete can't go back and be those people again, they just can't. They've evolved, grown, and changed and it's like they've put everything else aside leaving only their friendship behind. They will always be something, always important, but never lovers, not again.

Pete finishes his beer, the two of them staring at each other the whole way through. Maybe seeing their past selves one last time. The way they had both been so young, the way their bodies felt together, the way that they always drug each other down one more notch on the shitty life ladder.

Pete grins and sets the empty beer down on the table. He glances at his watch and is still smiling when he looks back up. "Well," He starts, moving towards Brendon. "I'd better go get 'Trick." He states, pulling the younger boy in for another semi-long hug. Brendon hugs back, tight, wants to push all his feelings inside Pete and get the good back in return.

They break apart and Pete ruffles Brendon's hair again, lets his tanned hand skim down his cheek, cupping briefly, dropping down to his shoulder and giving a squeeze.

"I'm sorry I ever got you into this kind of life." He whispers, sad smile playing across his face. It wasn't really Pete, it was moreso Ryan, Joe, even Brendon himself. No one forced him to do anything and he tells Pete as much. The older boy nods and smiles. "Right, listen, if you need me. Anything at all, just wanna talk, whatever. Just call me alright?" Pete asks, slowly easing away from Brendon and their past.

Brendon nods, makes himself smile and watches Pete go.

He stands in the kitchen until he hears Andy's car rattle away.

Now that he's alone he doesn't know what to do with himself. If he goes back to the way he used to live it was all drugs and sex with Pete, ignoring Ryan, and more drugs. That just might have been his downfall.

Brendon sprawls out on the couch but not before slowly shutting the door to Ryan's room, closing off the memories. The couch smells like Spencer, just like it used to smell like Pete and before Pete...well, that smell wasn't so great.

His eyes slide close and his mind just feels much too tired to bother doing anything besides laying here.

Maybe Brendon thinks about when he was a little kid, maybe he thinks about his mother and how she was before her breakdown. His father and the stern, angry look the man always wore. Maybe he thinks about the times his mother took him to church and how she used to tell him to pray for the things he wanted. He never really did pray back then, it was more like wishes, selfish little things that he seriously doubted any higher power would ever bother to listen to.

None of his prayers/wishes ever came true back then.

So why start now?



chapter fourty-two:

Brendon can't have been sleeping for more than four hours before his cell ringing woke him up. He was disoriented, confused and for one brief moment he wanted to believe that everything that had happened that day was nothing but a bad dream.

But it couldn't be a dream because there was no Spencer cooking in the kitchen, no Ryan reading a book or playing a game, no Nate snuggled up next to him while they sleep. But there is his phone and he shoves his hand into his tight jean pocket to anwser it.

"Hello?"

There's a small silence and Brendon regrets not checking the number before he anwsered the phone.

"Brendon, it's me." A familar voice washing over Brendon's body.

"Nate." It's Nate and suddenly the boy doesn't care that he's just got woken up at a little after four in the morning because it's him, it's Nate. "I'm sorry to call so late. I was sleeping when you called and I just got up to get ready for work when I checked your message." His voice is so soft that Brendon almost believes that it's all his imagination, that if he breathes too loud the boy on the line will disappear. But he is real and the boy just wants to let him talk forever, get wrapped up in it for eternity.

"It's okay."

"Was...was what you said about Ryan and Spencer true?" Nate asks, voice low and filled with concern.

"Yeah, I went out for awhile and when I came back...he and Ryan were gone."

Again silence. A fresh wave of pain washes over Brendon. He bites his lip and listens to Nate's breathing.

"I know," He starts. "I know we're fighting and everything...but please, please, I need you tonight." Brendon whispers across the phone line. His heart is beating rapidly, afraid of the anwser he might get. He doesn't exactly trust himself to be on his own, doesn't think he can handle the silence.

"Okay," Nate sounds breathless. "I'll call in at work and I'll be there in twenty." The slightly older boy says. Brendon's smiling despite the situation. The two of them hang up and Brendon can't go back to sleep now. He does lay stretched out on the couch though, long leg hanging over the arm of the worn out furniture.

Nate shows up fifteen minutes later, he doesn't knock, as familar as Pete was at this point. Some back part of his mind wonders if someday he'll look at Nate, look at him as he thinks about his new lover and know that the two of them will never be like that again. Who the fuck knows, that day could arrive at any time.

Brendon's staring at the spot where Nate should be any second. Three, two, one. Then there he is, Nate's face coming into view as he stands back behind the couch. "Hi," Brendon says weakly, giving them a small smile. Nate returns the tentative smile and leans over the couch.

"Hi." The other boy says, his face falls blank and he wrings his hands together, almost nervously. "Brendon, I'm-"

"No," Brendon cuts his boyfriend off. "Not tonight. I just-I just need you tonight alright?" No fighting, no words, just them. Brendon drops his leg off the arm of the couch, reaches up and gets his fingers wrapped securly around Nate's wrist. He's tugging, pulling Nate down over the back of the couch. The other boy going willingly, sliding down on top of Brendon. His head resting on the other boy's chest.

Brendon's other arm comes up around Nate's back, his hand still holding on to Nate's wrist.

They must fall asleep like that because the next time Brendon opens his eyes, it's light out. Nate's still on his chest and it's a relief to just not be alone. But at the same time it's not enough. One out of three isn't enough to make the pain in his chest fade away. He needs all of them.

Brendon stretches and Nate stirrs, waking up and propping himself up a bit to look at the younger boy's face. "Are we still not using words?"

"Words are complicated." Brendon replies, "But I know we need to talk, I get that. Last night was just-" Nate nods.

"I get it."

They break apart and sit side by side on the couch.

"Did he," Nate starts, looks apprehensivly over at Brendon. The younger boy slides his hand into his boyfriend's. "Did he leave because of me? Because of what happened?"













































he knew that the cops would come soon too. he knew because when he wanted to call for Jon he stopped but he didn't stop when he wanted to call for himself. he had just under ten minutes ago called the police and told them what he had done. they were probably going to go and get Brent's body first, then come and get him.

Brendon wondered if his story would become one of those famous murder story things? it could, he thought. he was pretty young and Brent had been a friend, and he took care of his mentally challenged bestfriend while living next to a abuser and having sex with junkies. yeah, Brendon could see that being turned into a movie, hell he'd even watch it if it was.

the only thing was that Brendon didn't really want to go to jail but he knew he wouldn't have to worry about that either. when he went and got his second beer he had also popped a few hardcore painkillers and then as he waited on the couch he had injected himself with one more vial of smack. he knew he was going to overdose but he wasn't really afraid, not really at least he wouldn't grow old to be junkie, wino, creep.

it was a way he'd like to go out, just like the way he lived. Brendon did feel bad for Ryan but then again maybe Ryan was dead too like him, and William he would get picked up as a dealer but William would find a way to work that out, Pete, Pete would have to get his fix from someone else now, or he could clean up and have a real relationship with Patrick. Brendon hoped it was the second one.

Brendon felt his eyes getting heavy and his life kinda flashed before his eyes, like slow motion and they'd all see him let go.


760



panic manga


Ryan and Brendon manga


jwalk


Patrick manga


sixteen candles William

http://i15.photobucket.com/albums/a398/Kitabug69/ECards/Christmas%20Cards/2008/2008ChristmasTheO.jpg






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