Saturday, February 7, 2009

poetry
"poison love"

he's bad for me in everyway possible
but i just can't get enough
there are a million reasons why not
but i'm still waiting for the one why
it seems i can't get you out of my system
i know what all those dark romance spewing singers mean
your in me without either of us realizing that it was happening
now it's too late...
too late to struggle against myself
too late to bother denying it
yet i can't bring myself to accept it either
my heart's stuck in limbo and it's all your fault
your bad for me
like a legal drug of mine
too much for me to handle
we pick our own poisons and i guess your mine
so i'll overdose on you
after all theres no other way that i'd rather die

"history"

i use to know him
too long ago
words spoken so ancient only history knows them now
fragments of the people we used to be splayed across my computer screen
promises made in high school days broken by the flow of time
i use to know him
back when things made sense and his face wasn't splashed over every magazine cover
telephone messages kept for years sit in the tape player because it's the only way i hear him talk anymore
his CD sits in the player because i can't get enough
i saw him on TV and was sad that he looked happy
i called him once in the dead of the night
i was surprised that he had the same number as all those years ago
we never spoke, i never called back
i use to know him
words of "don't ever change" whispered once were now dead on tounges
returned words of "i would never" whispered back but blew away with the wind
letters and postcards from far away places tell me words i used to believe were true
i read the procolamtions of love by teenagers and remember when i did the same thing
i'm tempted to tell them all that he was mine first, that i knew him way back when
it's my only way to lay claim to him anymore and i wonder why i feel i have to do it
i still own a piece of him
i listen and read the lyrics of the latest song and the lines sound all too familar
a yearbook surfaces from the ruins of childhood
pictures of youth made public for all to see
soon reporters all ask me "did you know him?"
and i'll think for just a moment before i say
"i used to know him"

"love so fucked up it should be a song"

lies spread in their lives like ivy across an old stone wall
lies told to keep each other always guessing
the truth was always considered a lie and the lie was held as an absolute truth
they kept each other in rapture under lock and key
her being the lock him being the key
it was a war of words each one spilled leaving scars and marks on the skin of the fighters
these battle scars only visible to those so astute
they used tears to drown all the mistakes because they believed that water cleaned it all
after the tears were spilt and the wounds were healed they always chose each other
because together vs alone together always won
just like bed always won over breakfast and body to body won over fist to face
they hurt each other over and over but neither ever left
they were too fucked up for anyone else
'damaged goods' one might say or at least that's what they thought
neither one ever left because they felt they deserved every word spoken
and the ever present fear that no one else in the world could put up with them
they hurt each other to feel alive because pain is the only thing that's real
these two people who can barely qualify as a couple
are in the closest thing to love either of them have felt
because the way they see it is
two halves of a broken heart make a whole


dear, you

i love you. i know that may not be shocking and that you claimed to know all along but i feel i must confess everything to you. because that's just the kind of person you make me want to be. i want to be with you in the worst way and it drives me crazy. i need to realize that it can never be between us, mostly because of you of course. i'm just not the type of girl you go for and the faster i get that the better. i hate that you linger in my heart and in my head. sitting there not moving and making me want to breath you in. nothing you say or do helps because as much as you hurt me i still run back to you. this is never going to end. your so completely clueless because i can pull it off, because you never thought of me that way and i wish with all my self that i didn't think of you like that. your too wrong, i'm too right. this would never work anyway and hey your too emotionlly crippled to pull off a relationship with me. i'm jealous of you, of the way those girls hang on your every word and how they all love you. because i want to love you like that and i want to tell you so badly. i want you to want me and i know my heart would break if you ever told me otherwise. that's why i'm keeping silent because a secret isn't as bad as the world ending and that's what would happen if i told you. we'd never be the same, i know that now and i know i'll miss you when your gone and i want to think that maybe i'm a little special to you but at the same time i think the anwser is no, that i'm just another girl with another crush something they all have on you. so i'll take the friendship over the realtionship because then i won't be hurt not ever by your rejection. i like you nearly everything about you and hell i am so fucking addicted to you that it hurts my heart. i get a little sad that you'll never know but with each word that passes between us i know it's the right decision. it feels good to write this now and i want to confess and tell you but i know i'll chicken out and not do anything. you wanted to know who those oh so mushy lines were about? they were about you and you had no idea. really is it so interesting now? i feel so stupid admitting this because it's only one-sided and it will forever remain that way because once your gone i'll never see you again and i swear i could burst into tears at the thought of it all. i'm afraid to slip away from your memories and your thoughts and your life. i want to be a part of it all. because really i don't know how it happenend but i love you.


"emotionless"

i want something more then just a broken stanza
i want your broken heart
i might as well keep it for you anyway
if i let you keep it you'd just break it again
your better that way
without a heart
because then you can't feel the pain that you hide from
i'm helping you
to become the hollow person your so desperate to be
now you don't need an excuse to break peoples hearts
because you don't have one to begin with
love was never your strong suite
lying always was
so lie to yourself and say you have some emotion
we all know you don't
because i own those too
you traded your tears for something better
and your fears for something worse
your a jaded mess
and your reflection shows it
your just a shell of your former self
but that's what you always wanted
so i'll take your heart so you can be
just as empty as me

"gray"

words whispered after midnight
feel different in the morning light
i don't think i can do this anymore
i can't be just your bestfriend till the end
i need you in a different way
but i can't say it because i know you don't feel the same
what am i suppose to do?
watch you fall in love with someone new?
i can't lose you
but i can't stand to watch
you have me in tears you know
and i'm afraid to let my true feelings show
i'll stay silent because were good that way
and i swear that i will tell you someday


danny's poem
You say you love me, but those are just words,
Are words of hate floating somewhere in between? <---- lexi's line.
I wanna fly above the landscape with doves and birds.
You contradict knowing the definition of what love means.

I'm on the edge of this distengrating cliff,
If I shall fall, will you be there by my side? <---- cassie's line
Laying next to your body, all cold and stiff,
These are the rules in which I confide.

Were these good intentions good enough for you? <---- jake's line
You're always asking for more, never satisfied.
I don't know why we all exist, we just do.
Sometimes, I lay in wonder. Lifeless and mortified.

Will the end of the world come soon?
I'm ready to just leave this all behind, <---- josiah's line
Staring at the fading stars and full moon,
This knife has never been so kind.

know more about me
Name: cassandra
DOB: december 19,1988
birthplace: michigan
current location: michigan
heritage: white
tattoos or piercings: none of either
Disney Movie: the little mermaid
TV show: grey's anatomy
Sport: raquet ball
Drink (alcoholic): yes, please and make it a double
soda:squirt or vault
Store:whever i find something i like

Clothing Brand: i'm not a brand name type of girl but i like clandestine

Shoe Brand: converse
season: spring or fall
Holiday: christmas/birthday

Night or Day: moonlit night
Love or money: love
goal this year: lose some weight
Most missed memory: when we were all together
Best physical feature: i like my eyes or my teeth
Status: single
Greatest Fear: losing those i care about
Worst habit: wear my heart on my sleeve
WHAT DO U WANT 2 B FAMOUS FOR : my words
Name three things you can't live without: family, friends, myotaku
If you could meet a celebrity for a day, who would it be, and what would your plans be? can i pick a band? i choose fall out boy and we could do anything
would u ever jump in front of a bullet for someone? yes
Would you ever run from the police? no
DO YOU HAVE MORE GUY OR GIRL FRIENDS ? guys
Are you in love? yes, but i wish i wasn't
Do you believe that a man who had cheated before can change? no
How old were you ten years ago? 8
where did you see yourself then? i can barely remember then
Where are you now? in stupid high school surround by drama kings
If attached how did you meet your significant other? not attached
Do you want any children? Do you have any already? yes. no
Would you flip out on your teacher or boss? yes (i think i did on friday)
If you didn't get any presents at Christmas would you cry? probably
Should you hurt someone you hate? i'd want to

FAVORITE THING TO DO WHEN ALONE : write
Best friend: girl: sydney, boy: danny, Nate wood
Speak another language: some spanish and japanese
What is your middle name? sarah
Do you have any pets? four cats: yuki, nana, mr.hughes, lola
Do you have any siblings? one little brother


Why did you take this survey? i was bored and thought this was interesting







people like magnets are drawn to each other. in this life we come into contact with so many people. some people you forget over time but some you remember for the rest of your life. wether you want to or not.

week one: saturday night in the park

the two people seated next to each other on the park bench well after midnight were good examples of this. both of them felt that way about each other in different ways. the duo, friends for a while were seated in a park whose name wasn't important enough for either to pay attention to. what they were doing at a park so late at night was anyone's guess but no one cared enough to fully pay attention to them.

he sat next to her and she next to him, neither looking at each other instead opting to stare out at the expanse of green grass lit only by the moonlight. he turned to look at her his dark hair covering his matching eyes. even though he was looking at her she refused to look back at him, she didn't want the soul peircing gaze to kill her. he continued his stare until she gave up and turned her entire body to face him.

"what?" she asked his slightly smirking face.

"nothing" was all he said the slight smirk still visible.

he pulled a cigarette from his pocket and stuck it in between his lips before lighting it up.

"you know i don't like when you smoke" she told him a small frown on her face. he looked at her as he took a long drag of the cigarette.

"maybe that's why i do it" he said as he took the cigarette from his lips and held it far away from her face. she ran a hand through her reddish brown hair and let a small sigh escape her lips. she pulled her fingers through her hair, something she did when she was nervous or just not thinking.

"what are we doing here?" she asked and he looked at her but remained silent.

"we're sitting." he said. she scoffed at his bluntness.

"just sitting?" she asked and he nodded.

"sometimes it's good for friends to just sit." he told her as he took another drag of the ever deminishing cigarrette. the girl pulled her legs up onto the bench and folded them proceeding to sit indian style; while the boy remained almost sprawled on the bench his body slumped and long on the bench.

"i was thinking of writing some new stuff." the boy said, the smoke leaving his mouth with each word and twisting up silvery against the ink black sky.

"oh?" the girl asked as she tilted her head up to watch as the smoke twirled in nearly invisible intricate patterns. she wasn't surprised, he was a song writer, a good song writer. it only made sense that he would want to write some stuff.

"yeah, it's perfect really that you and i are sitting here like this." he said and she turned to look at him curiously. she would've said something but he spoke again. "i mean i want to right something and here i am with the best writer around....it must be fate." he said as he let his left hand slip and fall onto her shoulder where he gave a light squeeze.

the two of them looked at each other and the girl felt her heart sort of skip between too fast and too slow and suddenly she was up and off the bench and away from his small smile and his warm hand on her shoulder.

"i kinda gotta go you know? it's getting late." she said as she looked down at him. the boy looked at his hand that had previously rested on her shoulder before he looked up to her. he took the last drag of his cigarette before stubbing it out on the bench and standing with a small strech.

"you're right i need my beauty sleep after all." he said with a grin and she smiled at him and he moved and pulled her into a tight hug with her head coming to rest on his shoulder and she felt like she wanted to stay like that, forever if she could but the warning signs flashed overly bright in her mind and she pulled herself away from him.

"goodnight." she said as she waved at him and began her walk home.

"night." he replied as he turned away from her to head home in the opposite direction. her face pulled down into a frown as she walked home tucking her hands into her jacket pockets. she had to reassure herself that it was good that she left that way. she had to leave before things got too heavy between them and with the two of them things got heavy very easily.

"we're just friends..." she told herself as she walked home and felt her heart tingle "please god we're just friends."

week two: sunday afternoon in a coffee shop

the boy and girl met again the next week, this time at a low key coffee shop where all the indie kid's hung out. the inside was cramped and the two of them sat by the window at a table in the corner. there were people sitting everywhere and no one paid the two of them much mind. most people were focused on the medium sized stage in the front of the coffee place where struggling indie artists would play their non-conformist music.

"you still feel the need to write some new stuff?" she asked him as they watched a kid younger then themselves pour his soul out in his song. the boy turned away from the stage and nodded.

"yeah, i did write some stuff after i got home the other night but i can't seem to nail an ending...got any suggestions?" he asked looking at her hopefully. she took a sip of her coffee before letting her blue eyes flicker over him and resting her hands under her chin.

"i don't know i'd have to see what you had first." she told him and he nodded.

"of course." he told her, before he could say more the crowd around them burst into applause and they looked to see that the teen who had been performing was done and the stage was now empty awaitng it's next performer.

"here." he told her as he flashed a smart ass grin at her and fished a piece of crumpled notebook paper out of his hoodie pocket. this was nothing new; she had seen his lyrics before but it never really got old for her, it was always slightly breath taking to see him sharing his words with her. almost like she were collecting his thoughts. she read the words eagerly as he watched her face intently, waiting for her reaction.

she read his words, they were good. filled with poetic lines and images like sunsets, bullets, and flying. he could write a good tragidy but he was right, the end was lacking. she set the paper down on the marred table and stared at the paper, trying his best to visualize an ending for him.

"how about: overdosing on you, there's no other way i'd rather die." she thought it was good, it fit the style of the song and now she was raising her head to look at him, to judge his reaction. she saw his brown eyes widen a bit and he nodded his head as he seemed to combined all the words in his head.

"yeah, yeah i love it." he said and he grabbed a pen from his pocket and scribbled the given line down on to the crumpled paper.

"fucking poetic genius." he said as he grinned at her, the shining peircing in his bottom lip gleamed in the light of the shop.

"are you talking about the song? me? or you?" she asked and he took a sip of his energy drink, she didn't know why he bought an energy drink before coming to a coffee shop.

"talking about all three." he said as he set the can back down on the table. there was a comfortable silence between them as the ending notes of the performer on stage filled the room. "well, i'm really inspired to put this to music so i'm gonna take off." he told her as he stood. she nodded and mimiced him. "i'll call you when i've finished" he told her as he pulled on a black coat over his hoodie.

"alright, i can't wait to hear it." she said as she moved over to the coffee shop's door. he followed close behind her and the duo exited the shop and again they seperated, heading in seperate directions, waving goodbye's and she smiled to herself as the words "poetic genius" floated into her head.


week three: friday at the show

in the week since the coffee shop visit she had heard the song three times. each time it was slightly different and he'd call her each time, trying to get her opinion on which version sounded the best. sometimes she wondered why he called her, why he wanted her opinion so much. she figured they had known each other so long that he had come to trust her opinion greatly.

"man, with all the work i'm putting into this song i should get credit for it." she teased earlier that day, the phone pressed tight between her shoulder and ear. he laughed.

"tell you what, if this song ever becomes a hit. i'll dedicate it to you alright?" he asked and she laughed and agreed and her heart warmed a bit because a song dedicated to her? that's what she always wanted. "listen, i'm playing a small show tonight at that little music store downtown. just a couple songs but you'll be there right?" he asked and she was surprised.

he was playing in public? he was perpaired to bare his soul and share his music? that was something she'd never dream of missing. "of course i'll be there. first row." she said showing her support, she knew sometimes he could get nervous though it was rarer nowadays but it was always good to have a familar face in the crowd.

later on that night she stood infront of the music stores small beat up stage. he was up there already, guitar slung over his shoulder and a nervous yet excited look on his face. it was a few moments before the boy's set would start and other people had come to stand near the stage as well.

a few people stood in the front row among the girl. they were obviously music store regulars and they looked more bored then anything, maybe just there because they wanted something to do, or perhaps they wanted to see him because they believed in him, like she did. they wanted to see someone in the hopes that they get famous and you can say i saw them back when.

someone who stuck out in her mind was a girl, around there age. she stood there staring up at him dressed in a blue dress, her hair a black shag, she looked like someone he'd like and she felt a stab of jealousy deep inside of her.

she brushed the jealousy aside as the music started and she looked to him, seeing him strumming on his guitar. he looked amazing up there and every part of her believed that he belonged on the stage. he was charasmatic enough, talented enough, good looking enough to make it, she knew that all along.

"hey, i'm gonna play a few songs for you tonight. hopefully you'll enjoy them." he said with a little smile and suddenly the tune he was playing was one she recongized. it had been the song she was helping him with for the last week and a half. it was 'her' song.

"this first song doesn't really have a title yet but it's dedicated to someone very special. my bestfriend and without her this song wouldn't be completed." he said and he was smiling and pointing at her. her heart had dropped and she looked at him with a sly grin as the other people in the audience (and the other girl) turned to look at her.












"questions"

remember that question you asked me on the second day i knew you?
"if you could eradicate one day from history what would it be?"
i have an anwser for you now my friend
i can say that to you with a broken smile on my face
and you say nothing but i expected that
first tears fall
and you still say nothing
but it's alright because i'm used to being broken by your silent words
i turn away because i don't want to see you
"don't you wish you were dead inside like me?"
that's all you say
"every day of my life" i say as i turn to give you one more look before i go
i'm near the door when you speak to me again
"if you could eradicate one day from history what would it be?"
you ask me that and i swear i can feel your voice break
it's so like you to bring up the past in a moment like this
i smile again but you can't see
and i give you my anwser
"the day you met me"


i don't get it.
you call me your close friend
but you treat me like shit
you say and do all these things and expect me to forget.
do you not even realize how much you mean to me?
or your too busy wrapped up in loving all the pain and misery
that you cause me
your my best guy friend
i thought i could at least trust you
that you be there for me to help me through
but i guess friendship doesn't mean so much to you
because if you have no emotions then you can't feel pain
you've lost your emotions but there's nothing you have gained
you said i was being a bitch
that just isn't true you were attacking me
and i never thought it would come from you
i'm just another of those annoying girls now aren't i?
well excuse me while i extract myself from that catergory
i don't want to be your lover you moron
i just want to be your friend.
do you even want that?
it doesn't feel like it to me.
i guess i was right all those times when i said that i wasn't important to you
you could have at least told me then that it was true
when did you change? when did you become cruel?
you weren't like this and it hurts when you say i killed the kind side of you
i never did it. how could i?
you say i can't take a joke
newsflash not a joke if your the only one laughing
and why would you laugh at my misery?
that's what hurts most of all
that you saw my tears , the ones you caused
then laughed in my face
i always stood up for you every single time someone talked about you
i said you were a good person
why are you trying to prove me wrong?
are you trying to make me hate you?
that's not what i fucking want so why are you doing this?
i guess that boy i talked to on the phone is dead
that's too bad i wish i was invited to the funeral
you said that i only have you as a friend because your in the same place as me
but really it couldn't be farther from the truth
but that's how you feel about me isn't it?
only my friend out of conveinence
you make me feel like you wouldn't give a damn if you never saw me again
that hurts
i don't get why your doing this to me
why your oh so desperate to hurt me
when all i want is to be your friend
when did that change? when did i not become your friend?
what you do is fucking killing me but i bet you couldn't care less
you probably don't care how much it hurts
because your used to hurting girls
but i'm not used to being hurt by you
or being one of those girls you abuse
i'm not in fucking love with you
i don't know how anyone could be
if you treat them the same way you treat me
i'm not in love with you
so no worries alright?
all i want is to be like we used to
to be your friend again.
you know who you are
i'm sure everyone does
i wonder if these words hurt you?
maybe part of me wishes that they do
because you always have to pretend to be dead inside
but i know your not
i don't hide my emotions like you do
so go ahead keeping beating me down and hurting me
just like every other guy in my life
i thought you were different
i guess i was wrong

a million words of happiness echo against the naked walls
their nearly nonexistant by the time they reach me
you're bi-polar at best and i'm paranoid at worst
a decaydence of heartfelt moments watched by all
under the microscope of our lives
silver smoke settles between us and i look at you and i'll never be the same
gentle touches at midnight seep into my skin soaking me and burning you
we're in love but not really
we're talking but not speaking
we're touching but between sheets of oversoft fabrics
you're overexposed and i'm underdressed
this relationship is far from the best
haunted hallways make me hallucienate that we live a better life
broken locks fall into the distance between you and i
you are my muse but then what am i?
sometimes i feel like your only one but then i feel like everyone is before me
you're changing me, making me more like you
i hate you for it but it also makes me love you more
i'm a reflection of you and your losing your identidy
i'll pick up your broken pieces and put you on the shelf
because you deserve to break and i deserve to see you in pieces

chipped nail polish coated fingers trail down your back
leaving red marks to go along with our rythm
a wet kiss to the lips to match the wetness on my cheeks
can you taste the alcohol in the air?
it tastes the same as you
sharp teeth bite down on the crook of my neck
our hips crash but i couldn't care less
you're eyes are anywhere but on mine
i don't mind because i don't really want to see the words reflected in them
a groan breaks the silence and i match it
you fall down beside me and i push myself to you
heavy breathing is all i hear
i can feel the awkwardness already
and it feels just like you.

she pulls a goodbye out of all the lines.
screaming for attention in a crowd, yet he just can't hear.
everything she does is an desperate act for attention.
and she hates herself for it.
she holding on by a thread waiting for his world to end.
it just wouldn't be the same if she never knew his name.
lay on the grass and pretend she meant something.
pretend he doesn't use all the same lines, the same goodbyes.
fingers pressed to window paines.
she would give anything to forget everything,
at the same time she keeps it all because it's all she has left.
he makes excuses and so does she, she makes excuses for why she should wait.
it's all too pointless now she thinks as the days slip by.
it's been too long to go back, to long to keep in contact.
she wants to go back and redo things but she doesn't think that will help.
he's not good enough for this kind of devotion.
but all she wants is to know he cares.

hallowed out footsteps in places you haven't been.
it's amazing how much i put up with when it comes to you.
how many times have i forgiven you?
probably more then you deserve.
so spare me some of your patentent sympathy
and make believe that you miss me
just so i'll feel alright...
just for this moment...
just for this time...
just for tonight.

write me a story to sing me to sleep.
i'll tell you all my secrets even the one's you can't keep.
you and i, we'll make history.
in the end everyone will know what you meant to me.
spill my idea's into that black hole.
and remember to smile kid, because we're giving them a show.
i'm the girl who can't let go.
and you're the boy who never holds on.
tell me i'm right when you've been wrong all along.
write me a story and sing me to sleep.
it is your words that i will keep.

he said, she said.

he said "you're my bestfriend." she said "you're mine too."

he said "you mean something to me." she said "prove it."

he said "i can say i love you in a friendly way, i love you." she said "please, don't ever say that to me."

he said "i have emotional problems." she said "i want to fix you."

he said "you're pretty." she said "i don't believe you."

he said "i miss you." she said "i miss you too."

he said "i'm not a good guy." she said "i believe that you are."

he said "i'm not coming back." she said "please don't leave me."

he said "goodbye." she said "i love you."


girl, give up you're reaching for a love affair that never existed.
that happy ending that's oh so twisted.
maybe he was special to you but believe me baby, those feelings weren't returned.
how many times are you gonna touch the fire before you feel the burn?
it's all an act of kindness
to him you'll never be the best
please let him go for the sake of your mind
do whatever it takes to leave him behind

remember his name when it's pressed to your lips

remember the last person you wanted to kiss?

remember the last time we said goodbye?

remember the last time you saw me cry?

can you still feel the touches that we used to share?

and remember how the sunlight looked caught in her hair

remember the promises that we once made

remember that time we made out in the rain?

well i'll tell you one thing that i won't forget.

the weight of this gun and the pressure from your lips.

the hurt is invevitable
but i'm already so numb that it doesn't seem to faze me
maybe, somewhere it does.
like wind whistiling through the cracks
but it's okay
jealousy is in my nature
but he was never mine and we never were
so what's to be jealous of?
easy, that he was never mine and we never were
back to secrets told on cold fall nights
my feet are frozen but don't get cocky it has nothing to do with you
heart half cracked and full of spite
baby, you just attempted murder on my heart tonight.

now it's really done for real.
we're totally finished and it's time to admit it.
and wouldn't you know when it all comes down to the ending
i have nothing left to say
i guess i never really thought about having to say goodbye
because if you recall, we never did
we just existed in our silent friendship
but now goodbye is here
i find so very ironic that if i see you one more time it will be the day i say hello and goodbye
after seven months can i do either one?
i don't know but i'll sure as hell try
and then i'll take it all.
everything we had and did and i'll lock it all away
and hopefully i'll never think of it again


quiet down baby, i'm not done
calm down darling, close your mouth and remove the barrel of the gun.
my heart is frozen but don't get cocky, it isn't because of you
bow your head and pretend this feeling is new
watch me watching you from across the room
dark clouds drift overhead, embodining our gloom
hands brushing in an awkward shake
i'm gonna pretend that our tear's are fake
i'm grabbing my coat and heading towards the front door
resume your postition crying in the corner on the floor
okay baby, now i'm done
so open back up your mouth and insert that gun

i can only capture my emotions in the form of a song
and sing it to you all night long
opposed to feeling exposed
i'll let someone else say it for me
my thoughts come pre-packaged in minutes of three
can you read between my lines?
see the intricate plans that i designed
my truth's carried over soft riff's and tunes
please figure out my not so original love song soon.


i guess you will always be the thing that catches me off guard. the underlying heart break that lurks layers just below the surface. you'll always be great in my eyes, deferring back to those sophmore days when i held you above everyone else. i'm like a kid whose enchanted by the candle's flame, i touch and get burned but i can't look away. you were good for something you know? you were a muse, igniting my creative streak. allowing me to crash through all my gates that i didn't know were closed. i absorbed all your music genius too and you set me up with a type, what i think is pretty, scene kids, but maybe only because they remind me of you?

i can't manage to forget, all the things you said to me. my favorite being "i will never forget about you." ironic that you send that to me since i feel like it should be the other way around. i can never forget you, i can try but i can't. i hope your face doesn't haunt me. gonna take those pictures down eventually, can't see how great we looked together, with your arm slung around me.

my memories flash with the touches days locked in my mind. when i came back and all it took was one look and i was in your arms and people were watching but you didn't care.

i'm still trying you know? to keep in touch, to keep a contact going strong.


glad to see you're still bi-polar
glad to see you haven't changed
oh so happy to see you still remember the lines we used to say
i still scowl when i realize that i'm still happy you come to play
i still smile when you smile
my eyes still light up when i hear your name
can still decephier the way your mind works
and i'm so glad you haven't changed.

i feel like someday i will be okay with us just being friends. i'm not there yet, but i'm trying because deluding myself feels old and i miss the way we used to be. the memory sticks to me like glue, forever hiding in the back of my mind. the time when you really did need me. when you could've picked a multitude of people but it was me. i can remember what you said "please, call me. i need to talk to you." and i did and we talked and i smiled all through it. and it felt real and i felt so close to you. you sung too and i wish to anyone who will listen that i can remember just what that sounded like.

i believe i'm halfway there, i'm stuck between "best friends forever" and "until death do us part." i think it gets easier as time goes on, memories fade but feelings last. it's harder to remember just how special it all felt and all i can remember is specific scenes, feelings and touches but maybe that's enough.

i think i earned some points in this game though. you know how many girls i've seen come and go? i'm still here, i'm still involved and that could be considered a victory. i've earned a spot, dug a niche but is it only me? if i spoke not one word to you would you bother saying anything at all or would i only occure to you when you saw my name or heard the music that reminds you of me?

is it sad that i re-read what you said about me? how you used to feel, how you know just how to strike me but i feel i know your spots too. you can claim a change but saying is easier then doing and i feel like i still know who you are. you're him and you're mine in a way and despite that friends forever mentality that i've got going i still get jealous at the drop of a hat but then again back then, you always knew that.

flash me a grin and baby just maybe i'll smile back


The truth finally comes out.
Let's see, I have some things I want to say.

Don't for one second think I'm looking for attention or any fucking bullshit like that because this is coming straight out.

I know I haven't been myself lately... People have been criticizing me and making fun of me for quite awhile now. I'm fucking sick of it, what have I done to deserve this? I know I'm not a great fucking person and you don't need to rub it in. I've had so much go on in my lifetime I'd love to see you go through what I have. My life at home is so empty... I come home to my guitar, my computer, and my Xbox. The only sound I hear is guns shooting and notes being played. Ever since I switched schools I've only had a couple friends... I feel so lonely and even though some people try to get closer I push them away because I'm so used to being lonely that I just can't adjust. I've had so much shit go on in my past it's hard to trust people now. I'm really sorry if I have ever hurt anyone, I really truly am. I've hurt myself through this all too. It's hard to sit here and admit how much of a bad person I am because I've always wanted to be the good person that everyone can come to for everything, but it's the complete opposite. People judge me and criticize me for anything they can. It's so hard to sit here and pretend everything is okay, because it's not. -Sighs- I don't even know what to say because nothing I can think of will come out right. I wanna be myself, but I'm too afraid to because people will only make fun of me and criticize me more. I have been myself around some people and they love me for it, but for the most part people hate it. So now, all I can do is make mean remarks towards people and it's driving everyone away, and I don't want that. I just want people to actually care for me and be there for me when I need them. LIKE NOW! I don't really know what else to say, even though I have a million things I wanna say. Maybe

You make me touch your hands for stupid reasons.
The subject line is from a real break-up letter
that I read online, it's the single most funny letter I've ever read in my whole life, due to the bad grammar and the way that the guy reads it.

I'm sitting in the computer lab at school right now, it's empty. Very empty. It's kinda quiet and I can hear the clickity clack of the keyboard that Mr.Fernald is using. I'm very bored, otherwise I wouldn't of even said all of that. :P

I didn't feel like going to school yesterday, mainly because I knew that Cassie wasn't going to be there. So I just stayed home and played my Xbox 360 all day. I probably got my rank on Gears of War up quite a bit. I played about 15 matches and got at least 500 points each match due to curb stomping, boom shots, long shots, and smashing faces. Hehe <3

After my intense Xbox playing I took a shower and check my MyO one more time before bed. I had PM from Cassie asking if I was still up, so I just told her to call me. Which she did, about 5 minutes later. We talking for about half an hour or so. I was singing a lot and I didn't mean to. =[

We talked about things like who I liked and who she liked. She still won't tell me who this guy is that she basically dreams about, it's not like I'd make fun of her or anything. She's like one of my best friends. -shrugs- Oh well, she'll tell me eventually... I hope.

-moves hair out of face- Hm... What else is there to talk about? My mom is going out of town this weekend so I have to stay at my friend Chris's, which is okay, but it gets kinda boring after awhile.

I'm super thirsty right now, I think I might get a Mountain Dew or a Dr. Pepper from the vending machines downstairs. -sighs- I feel lonely at this school, mainly because everyone here hates me. =\ I guess that's my fault though for wanting to be myself and not conform.

Lalalalala, I'm in the mood to write some music, but alas there is no guitar by me. DAMN YOU SCHOOL! I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THIS DAMN WORLDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD.
^(I got that I hate you part from some sweet break up letter that I mentioned earlier, it's so funny.)

I know this may sound weird and all, but you know how I dated a model awhile back? Well anyways, we broke up because I was just physically attracted to her. Anyways, I feel lonely already, but I don't wanna go searching for another girl because either me or her always gets hurt. I just want a girl to be there for me, lay with me, hold my hand when we're walking together, hold me when I'm sad, kiss me when no ones looking or when everyone's looking. I just want love, which I don't know exists.

-sighs- I don't mean to whine or anything so I'll just go now.

Oh yeah, and here's a couple shoutouts.

Cassie, October, Shadow, and Danielle. <333

Peace and God Bless,
Daniel

... School sucks
I'm not sure, but I think I was being picked on about my tight jeans today. There's this girl named Paige at my school and she tends to think she's hot shit. Well anyways, she was asking me a bunch of questions about them and about me, for example. Do you skate? What if you got a boner in those? and shit like that. It's so stupid... I swear to god nobody likes me in that school. (Besides Cassie, who of course I care about dearly and wouldn't care if she's the only friend I have there because she's so amazing it makes up for 1,000,000 people or so.)

Well, I typed that all in a minute. *No joke*

That's amazing... I guess I've had it on my mind.

Bed time now!

Unless Cassie calls... :P

Nighty night all,
Daniel


he's become the kid we don't talk about
the ghost whose made himself far too visible
i'm living through the empathy
and i don't need to imagine what it feels like
i just look in the mirror at the scars i thought were healed
guess he's not so unique afterall, neither am i.
the person he was isn't real, maybe he never existed
i wish my pain was a figment of an overactive imagination
one that's fueled on heartbreak and fed with drama to keep it all alive
your face is a siren song, does that mean i have to be deaf and blind to survive?
slowly everyone see's just who you really are
without the jagged bangs and tight clothes what are you?
do you even know?
or are you too wrapped up in the image to even remember what your eyes used to look like.
we'll keep on pretending that it's not an issue but for now
i'm carrying that weight
and i'll pretend that it doesn't feel like your name
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