Saturday, February 7, 2009

doldrums
he woke up groggy that sunday afternoon. he lifted his head from the overly soft pillow on his bed; his dark brown medium length hair slipping into his eyes. the first thing he noticed was that he had a horrible head ache. he turned his head slowly to his right and saw that his bed was empty and he was alone. the other thing he noticed was the ruby red writing on the forearm of his left arm.

for a moment he thought he imagined it like a slip of the mind but as he leaned up on one elbow and brushed his hair out of his eyes he saw it there. the words "this is goodbye." were written on his arm in what could only be lipstick. a small sigh escaped his lips as he sat up the crisp white sheet that was over him fell to his waist.

an hour later he was dressed and freshly showered and in his car. he was driving to a place located ten minutes from his own place, to the girl who had left the note on his skin.

a girl laid on her soft couch in her living room nursing a slight hangover. her pale hand rested on her forehead and her loose dark curls fanned around her chest. she would've been more then happy to stay in this position watching whatever mind numbing show was on the tv at the time; but she found it rather hard to do so when she heard a car pull into her driveway and then moments later a chorus of knocking on front door.

she rolled her eyes and shifted herself to look at the door. she knew who it was already, she was expecting him to come around. she begrudingly rolled off the couch and padded over to the door pulling it open to reveal the boy.

"hey parker." she said somewhat wearily as she move aside to let the boy named parker come in. parker wore a slight smile as he stepped into the small home. "what brings you here?" the girl asked as she closed the door behind him, she asked but her eyes looked like she already knew.

"i got your note." he said as he flashed his arm at her where the fading pink remains of the word goodbye could be seen. "mind telling me what i did to deserve that marley?" parker asked as he let himself into her living room and plopped down on the couch with marley following behind him.

"why didn't you just call instead of coming over here?" she asked ignoring his question as she sat in the chair opposite of the couch. in truth he could've called. it would've been a hell of a lot easier and she probably would've perfered it that way but...he couldn't bring himself to call. the duo sat in silence staring at one another, almost as if willing each other to speak first.

it wasn't always like this. there wasn't always awkward silences and notes written with cosmetic products. they were friends, technically they could still be considered friends but rarely did that title fit anymore. they were best friends since high school and had maintained that into their early twenties.

their relationship changed two years ago. they went too far one night and crossed the line that friends just shouldn't cross. they began dating and it went well for about a year and they were happy and it was good for both of them. at least for awhile. when things went bad they broke up and tried their best to remain friends but they found that they couldn't. the just friends versions of them couldn't exist anymore. not with the memories of the love they had shared playing at their minds every waking second.

so it happened after that, that the two of them became a semi couple. going between being off and being on. right now they were on; that's why she had been at his house last night. but she was growing tired of the same old moves, of always coming back to him time after time without any hope of it going anywhere, that's why she left the note on his arm after he passed out.

"you going to anwser my question marley?" parker asked as he folded his legs and broke their silence. marley sighed and leaned back into the chair.

"i thought the note was pretty self explanitory." she said. he frowned as that was obviously not the anwser he wanted to hear.

"why goodbye? i thought we were doing good?" he asked marley fidgeted in her seat before anwsering parker.

"that's just the thing parker, we're good now but what about later? when we're not good? i can't go through that again." marley said as she stood her voice louder then it had been before. parker's frown grew deeper as his eyes flickered from marley to the faded words on his arm.

"so you're giving up because you're afraid?" he asked, his frustration coming through in his voice. marley shot him a dirty look and crossed her arms.

"no parker! i'm giving up because you can't commit to this relationship! you can't commit to a thing!" she said now sounding frustrated. "it's always on and off with us, hot or cold. it's not a relationship! this isn't a relationship...it was just two people who couldn't let go of each other because it was so familar....but now i'm letting go." she told him and parker hadn't noticed that he had stood while she was talking.

"but we're happy! why does it have to be something more? why can't we just be happy and together right now?" he asked and he knew he had said something she didn't want to hear. marley's hands went to her hair tangling up in it, she did this move out of frustration.

"we can just be friends." she said after a minute of silence, her hands falling to her side. she was looking at him, a look that was made up of desperation and hopefulness. he knew if he objected to being friends then their relationship..or whatever this was, was surely doomed. but he supposed that it was over either way he sliced it. parker remained silent and marley took it as an anwser.

"we're best friends parker..." she began before he cut her off.

"no we're ex-friends to the end...face it marley." he began as he leaned against the arm of the sofa "we're better off as lovers not friends." he told her and his voice was flat because he was defeated. they both were because inside he really did love her, you can't spend seven years knowing someone without loving them; and now he was losing it all right before his very eyes.

"so....you're giving up on our friendship? you're throwing it all away?" marley asked as she tilted her head up to look at him. parker looked back at her; his brown eyes locked on her blues. he didn't know exactly what to say to her. no, he didn't want to lose this friendship hell he didn't want to lose the relationship they had. why was she blaming him when it's her that's making things so difficult?

a small angry fire burnt inside of parker's stomach. this was stupid, this whole thing was ridiculous. he wanted to be with her but he couldn't because they couldn't make a relationship work and they couldn't be friends because all the past got in the way. he guessed that either way he looked at it he...no, they were screwed.

"yeah, marley...i guess i'm calling it quits on everything." he said as he pushed himself off the arm of the sofa and stood erect in her living room. marley's face twisted up and he knew she was on the very verge of tears. parker wanted to say something anything but the fire in his belly and the pain in his heart over rode any chance of coherent words getting to his mind. instead he turned because he couldn't look at her and he slipped his hand into his coat pocket to slide his hand around his car keys.

he was going to leave without saying anything because that seemed the best choice at the moment but marley seemed to think otherwise.

"i guess you're right park...." she began and he felt a twinge of pain at her using his nickname. "i guess this friendship was dead the day we hooked up." she told him "sorta like a half engraved tombstone it was just waiting for a date." she finished and he found himself almost laughing because marley always had such a way with words that even now she could use that skill when she was hurting.

parker said nothing but left marley's house and got into his car. he didn't really want to go home but his head was thumping harder then it had when he had woken up. so he headed home; the imagry of what she had just said playing through his mind. he imagined a grave yard filled with tombstones of dead relationships and he could see their's: dark and gray and cold with their two names engraved on it.

parker went home and slept until night fell.

later that night marley was out on the town, attempting to forget all about parker. she was in the backseat of a yellow checkered cab the window rolled down and the warm night air blew against her skin making her brown curls blow into her face. she had just left one of the city's most popular clubs after only one drink. the busy crowd scene she realized that wasn't where she wanted to be.

she didn't know where she was going but it didn't matter she didn't care where she went because no matter where she travled it wasn't far enough to escape the pain. marley remembered the many times that she and parker would just race down the city streets windows down in the back of those same checkered cars. it was in those moments that the two of them felt the most alive.

the cab pulled to a stop at the light, the soft red glow washing over the front of the car. marley looked out at the nearly empty city streets and she thought of parker. he never left her mind much anyway but now was paticularly strong. suddenly marley was pulled from her thoughts by the loud ringing of her cell phone emitting from her purse. she pulled out her cell and ran her fingers over the name 'parker' that was illuminated there.

marley sighed a bit as she looked down at her phone. she thought about not anwsering it. she didn't know if she could handle talking to him, after what had happened she was surprised he was calling her at all. in the end she did anwser because she could never resist him for too long.

"hello parker." she said into the phone, there was a silence on the other end and she thought that maybe parker had hung up.

"hey marley." parker said overly simply and marley felt the cab pull away from the stoplight and drive down the nearly empty street. "what are you doing?" he asked, his voice slightly stiff.

"i'm in the city trying to forget all about you." she said softly as she stared out the window at the quickly passing buildings.

"hmmm is it working?" he asked and she found herself grinning despite the seriousness of the conversation.

"i'm talking to you aren't i?" she told him giving him all the anwser he needed. parker laughed a bit, a small quick laugh that you would miss if you weren't really listening.

"it's because i casted a spell over the city to make you think of me in the same way i think of you." he told her and now she was mimicing that same quick laugh because she could believe that he would try to do something like that. "i miss hearing you laugh marley..." he said suddenly and she stopped and there was that same slightly awkward silence between them.

"why are you calling me parker?" marley finally asked because she hadn't forgotten the conversation they had, had that afternoon. she couldn't forget the words that had passed between the two of them. how they decided to end everything, friendship and relationship. they couldn't go back on it now, she couldn't do that.

"because i love you marley." he said and again she was quiet. this wasn't the first time she had heard him say that, he had told her before many times but it never felt quite like this before. there was something like a quiet desperation in the way he had said it and it made her heart thump for him.

she was still quiet for lack of anything to say to him. "you still there marley?" she heard parker ask and she said a simple "yeah."

"you gonna say anything back?" he asked and she was torn, she loved him she did but if she said it then it threw them back into that same vicious cycle of 'let's be on now and off later'

"i love you too parker but did you forget the conversation we had earlier?" she asked and again parker gave that small laugh.

"i know but this is me committing to you. this phone call is a love note in my own way and i want to have happily ever after with you." marley stopped because what he had said had thrown her off guard, parker mister i can't commit to a thing was committing to her and in a kinda cheesy way.

"our happily ever after is only real if it's below the waist." she said sounding bitchier then she meant to. it was just that it always happened this way, she was used to this by now. parker saying one thing then doing another then their relationship always ended up being about sex.

"it can be different this time marley. i know this time we can be happy." he told her and she noticed that his voice had taken on that same serious tone as before. marley looked out the window of the cab as she noticed it turning on a familar street...parker's street. she panicked for a moment. she didn't remember telling the driver his adress but she figured she had while not thinking about it and now she was slowly heading towards parker's house.

marley thought about what parker had said. she thought that maybe they could do it. maybe they could be happy together and have a working relationship and a normal life. she could almost see it; living together and waking up together happy and warm, eating breakfast while reading the paper and watching those morning talk shows, dancing in the moonlight and getting engaged somewhere romantic, getting married in a big church full of people and having kids together, growing old with him and holding hands and sneaking kisses.

she could see them and it would be easy to go to parker's house and start that relationship again. the cab idled out infront of parkers house and she knew all she had to do was get out and go inside and they could be together. but the doubts held too strong and her knowledge of parker seeped into her mind and no matter how much she wanted it she knew it could never be that way. she and parker had their run and she was sure that someday other people would make them both happier then they could be together.

"we will always be best friends, ex-friends to the end parker." she told him as tears pricked at her eyes. she hung up the phone cutting off whatever he was going to say and as the cab pulled away from his house she could see him standing in his window with the curtains pulled back watching her.

she knew it would hurt for awhile but he would be better and so would she. that's the lie she told herself as she headed home. a single tear glistening on her cheek in the moonlight.
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