Thursday, June 9, 2005

Song of the day
Him - Join Me Lyrics

HIM
"Join Me"

We are so young
our lives have just begun
But already we are considering
ercape from this world

And we've waited
for so long
for this moment to come
We're anxious to be together
together in death

Chorus:
Won't you die tonight for love
(Baby join me in death)
So will you die
(Baby join me in death)
Won't you die tonight for love
(Baby join me in death)
So will you die
(Baby join me in death)

This world is so cruel place
and we're here only to lose
So before light taers us apart
let death bless me with you

(Chorus)

This life ain't worth living ...
(Join me, Join me, Join me, Join me, Join me)

(Chorus)

You can join me in death...


Its song of the day. And its right. It aint worth living. Yes, Im depressed, which is because no-one really cares anymore. Everytime I fall inlove - the guy couldnt care less. I dont wanna fight anymore. I cant. I wont. Im not strong enough.

Take care....



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Monday, June 6, 2005

*sigh*
SO.....

Peoples. You know I havent really put any fanart up. Thats because I just took over my friends charater and the all fanart is there. So. if ya mind ti see my fanart, check xSakurax tho few of you know the carater allready *smile*
Nice to see you again. If you mind to know how Im doing you can read the last post thats up in xSakurax.
So.
Got nothing to say.
See ya.




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Thursday, June 2, 2005

Fuck....
So....

We have two days left for school. I were gonna go and buy some new stuff with my best friend, but gess what happened: She got sick. How lame is that..... Now Im not getting to the city, because I would have to go with my boyfriend just two of us. And thats one thing I DONT want. Second thing is: Now he may come to our place. And I dont want that either. So.... Im in trouble. I want to ask what do you think? How the heck I am gonna dumb that asshole without him making a suicide. Besides, I hate it when he doesent care a heck of my depression but Im always trying to make him feel happier. Thats not gonna work anymore. I need attention too.
Now....
Have a nice day.




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Saturday, May 28, 2005

Damn it......
*sigh* I cant dumb him. You know why? I will excplaine it to you.

I have told you many times how we are so alike. Well. You know I have tried suicide secerval times too. So has he.
Once, I was bored and started textmessaging him. We talked a while, then I asked what he was doing. Hes answer was 'Im standing in a field a gun in my hand'.
It was clear what he was trying. He told it to me too.
We're much alike. We both live for only one person. Without that person, I wouldnt be alive anymore. Same thing with him. As my guardian angel, its not your business who it is. But for him..... its me. Im the reason hes alive. He said it himself. Hes friends have said so. So if I leave him, I will kill him. In hes msn reads 'Johanna is my life, if I lose her you will lose me because we will go different places after life'. Isnt it clear? I would leave him if he wouldnt be so close to kill himself.... And this feels desperate. I want to help everyone, tho I know I CANT help everyone..... I just want to be there for everyone. As for now, I gotta hide my feelings from him, and now matter how much I hate it, I gotta pretend to be inlove. Life is just a game. When he feels better, I will leave him. Or waite he leaves me. Life is hard. But we gotta handle it.

As my life out here.... I hate it. And he doesent make it any better. I have my reasons why I cant make a suicide, if I told you you would laugh, think Im crazy or just not understood, but I cant. I hate this. I.... hate this. Because everyone here calls me bat. Because everyone here hates goths. Because everyone thinks that goth and satanist are the same thing. Because everyone keeps telling me Im ugly. Because everyone keeps pissing me off. Because everyone out here hates me. Because I hate everyone out here.

I dont feel depressed. I feel.... Angry. Desperate.... I feel Milessannes feelings. Tho I dont mind. Milessanne and Angelica.... make me understand life better. They make me understand my feelings. And as they do, Im sorry to say but I cant love anymore. Not the way I used to. I do love but.... I never know if its real or not. I never know if theyre mine or someone others feelings. And I gotta live in this unknownledge.... Is it right? Maybe not. But its my way to live. At least Im alive. I only know one thing.... I love one person in this life. And its enough.... I want Milessanne and Angelica out of me. Because they have their beloved ones too..... and I know both of them. And as they love them, I love them too. Its not right..... Its not me....

I dont think even half of you understoods what Im talking aboute. But you dont have to. Its just the dark, sad, hiding, real me. Not the happy one who uses to hide the real me. Finally.... I really am me. Im not hiding anymore. And you gotta used to my depression. Tho you shouldnt mind it. It will soon turn into anger..... And anger will fade away.

As for my schoolmates who call me bat....
"Go on, call me a bat. But remember one thing..... Some bats can transform into a vampire"

Have a nice day.






What FF7: Advent Children Character Are You?


Hosted by theOtaku.com: Anime. Done right.





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Friday, May 27, 2005

So...
So on. Everything that has been up since I left:

One: I have a boyfriend. Yes, we look, act and think the same way, everyone thinks we are twins, but we are not. We're just very alike. And, I just found out hes total ass who just wants one thing: sex. And I hate him. I hate him when he kisses me. I hate hes tongue I.... Ewww I just hate him. I should dumb him.....
Two: My possibility to live has raisen again: 50%. With that, the possibility to have panic attacks has returned. Well. At least Im alive, huh?

Gess thats all. Tho Im starting to feel very..... VERY negative.... I feel no love, no happiness, nothing positive anymore.... I can only feel greate..... anger..... Guys have played with me too many times..... and it has to stop. No more love in my life..... for now.... I will only look for friendship and freedom from all these chains..... Huh.

Now: WOuld you mind to visit poor soul: Grinner has just joined MyO. Shes my good friend from our school, nearly my best friend. So if you dont mind.... visit her.

Have a FUN weekend guys.

Rain is freedom....





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Sunday, May 22, 2005

Im back.....
Peoples, I got a looot of excplaining to you now. First of all, why were I gone? The reson number one is.... Theres few guys who just keep fucking up with me, or then just playing with me, which stresses me the hell out. So, I have been trying to control my stress, for my own good. Now, as I told you, my living prosents were only 20%. As I have been gone, they have raised to 40. 20 to 40. So, it was worth it.

Welcome me back, will you? First child returns. Better than ever.

For first move I would change my sites looks.... Maybe change to bg, etc..... Tho I try to keep black and blue as the main colours.

Well. Im going to get some rest. You still want me alive, dont ya? *grin* As I thought.
So. This means you will see me in the future again. *bows*

Meet you soon.



Cruel Angels Thesis: Neon Genesis Evangelion's Opening Theme



zankoku na tenshi no you ni
shounen yo shinwa ni nare

aoi kaze ga ima
mune no DOA wo tataite mo
watashi dake wo tada mitsumete
hohoende'ru anata

sotto fureru mono
motomeru koto ni muchuu de
unmei sae mada shiranai
itaike na hitomi

dakedo itsuka kidzuku deshou
sono senaka ni wa
haruka mirai mezasu tame no
hane ga aru koto

zankoku na tenshi no TE-ZE
madobe kara yagate tobitatsu
hotobashiru atsui PATOSU de [3]
omoide wo uragiru nara
kono sora wo daite kagayaku [4]
shounen yo shinwa ni nare

zutto nemutte'ru
watashi no ai no yurikago
anata dake ga yume no shisha ni
yobareru asa ga kuru


hosoi kubisuji wo
tsukiakari ga utsushite'ru
sekai-juu no toki wo tomete
tojikometai kedo

moshimo futari aeta koto ni
imi ga aru nara
watashi wa sou jiyuu wo shiru
tame no BAIBURU

zankoku na tenshi no TE-ZE
kanashimi ga soshite hajimaru
dakishimeta inochi no katachi
sono yume ni mezameta toki
dare yori mo hikari wo hanatsu
shounen yo shinwa ni nare

hito wa ai wo tsumugi nagara
rekishi wo tsukuru
megami nante narenai mama
watashi wa ikiru

zankoku na tenshi no TE-ZE
madobe kara yagate tobitatsu
hotobashiru atsui PATOSU de
omoide wo uragiru nara
kono sora wo daite kagayaku
shounen yo shinwa ni nare


Actually, I gotta tell you something..... Im sorry Im back. Soon the same idiots will start bothering me. Humph.

Good night....




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Saturday, May 14, 2005

   One last thing
Huh peoples listen

Rei has one thing to say: You care aboute me, you tell it to me, PM me if you wanna stay in contact and I tell you something.

Farewell.

Oh yeah. My third panic attack came. I have 20% to stay alive. 80% to die. So maybe this is last words you will ever hear from me. I love you all.

End of first child.




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Sunday, May 1, 2005

Gone
Okay, no one cares, so I will be gone for a while. I wont be on for a long time, and dont except me to answer PMs. Just have fun without me. Im bored to worrie of all my friends and everyone who doesent care. So see you laters. Goodbye.

Let me make you clear why Im leaving:
1. No-one cares
2. Im totally forgotted
3. Im sick and tired with guys playing my fucking heart. Hey, you love me, you show it to me, and just fuck those other girls off!! Im tired of guys around here just playing with me, thats IT! I wanna be the number one, not second or third choise, the ONE, but as it seems Im forever loser: Bye-bye go-go, GOODBYE!





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Saturday, April 30, 2005

What and Why....
Why does it go like this?

One day your happy, and next you would like to die. I have damn big fights with everyone I love, except very few of them, everyone around me hurts me with their words, like it was meant to hurt me, and everything keeps fucking up. My guyfriend seems like he doesent even want to be searious with me, my mom told to her friend that 'Juho isnt coming to our place, I will keep that sure thing' and I know because Juulia told me. she heard when they talked like that. C'mon Its unfair.... Why my life keeps fucking things up? Why all my friends either hate me or then just forget aboute me? Why am I so horrible and vulnerable person? What have I done to deserve this...? What? Why?

I cant take this.... I just want to forget aboute this world.... I want to be better person and be like Shinji-kun, quiet aboute my own thoughts so I wont hurt anyone....




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Friday, April 29, 2005

Hello American
^__^ Soooo This friend of mine, Juulia, cam by (the war is won!! ^_____^)
So. my cousin is coming by at 8 o'clock at night, so we dont have hurry. Mwahaha I hate that kid. There isnt any more annoying person than he is, and I mean it. Hes just..... a fucker. So. krhm. Hows everyone doing around here? I gave few drawings to my friend that she has to scan for me. Theres few for Telk27, one for Narutoman and etc so waite for them. *nods* thats right.
Juho had birthday at 28.4 ^^;; Yay. I didnt have any gift to him so I just gave 5 euros (my friend gave 1,5 ^^) Hes 16 now (you know what it means right? *wide grin*)
Hmm hmm. I want to travel into american.... Where do ya guys live? I could stop by ya know (I WILL someday) Uh so. Im going, we're gonna do something.... FUN! ^_____^ Njah njah you wanna join us? Then c'mon buy the tickets and COME already!! Uh well. You guys have fun. See ya laters, peoples.




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