Monday, March 28, 2005

Hello peoples....
Uh, I have a headache.... It really hurts....
Well congrats: I had the second panic attack. When I have the third, I have 70% possibility.... to die. On ulcer. Dammit Im gonna take this so slow that even slug is quicker than me. *nod* I do NOT wanna die. And I dont belive anyone wants me dead. Except my dear enemies.
Okay in this minute, Im listening Nightwish - End Of All Hope. 'It is the end of all hope, to lose the child the faith..' and things. Oh yeah. Now started 'Dead to the world'. correct, the CD is Century Child. Aplodes.... ..... Okay you just have to imagine them.
So peoples. I give you few good advices: Never stress too much. It will cause panic attack, and it may cause ulcer. Panic attacks really are scary. It feels like you were dying and you start to panic and you cant breath and hrrr. Even thinking of it makes me afraid.
Okay, the second advice: Dont stress aboute world. I mean, what can you do if you just think that 'oh my god, its so horrible that theres wars in world' I mean, you dont help it by thinking, do you?
If you wanna help, work! Give money to the collection if you want to help. This world gives me stress, but Im starting to think 'hey, its not my problem, I never wanted to be born on this world anyways'. And its true. I hate this body, this family, this world. Well, soon dear Mother Earth will revenge. It has already started. Remember the christmas days tsunami? And all other catastrophes? Thats what I thought. Hmm. When this world is going down, I will go with it. *Sigh* If its my destiny... Then be it. How can I be so calm? Well. Its good to my health anyways.
Well it was pretty funny yesterday when I had the panic attack (okay its never funny but yesterday it was pretty funny) I was on the comp, in MyO actually and PMing to a.... friend. *krhm* Anyways first it was hard to breath and I thought it was just asthma (I have asthma) so I first didnt care aboute it. Well then I totally couldnt breath, my lungs were like locked and no matter how I tried, I just couldn breath. Well I started to panic and I was pretty scared and then I crushed on the floor. SOme drunk woman came look if I was okay. The attack were on for a minute, I dont honestly remember all of it, but when I could breath again I was angry and tried to make all the peoples disappear. They looked dum when I just yelled at them like 'Im fine Im fine leave me fucking alone' and things. I dragged myself on this comp again and tried to breath. They just kept asking if I was okay. And they thought they would have to call ambulance. I just kept yelling at them. It really was funny when I think it now. I never wanna get another panic attack again... I have 40% possibility to die now. 60% to stay alive. So its pretty cool. Hmm. Im gonna be cool with it when its my time to die, an I sure its not now. I have already been threw hell and darkness, so this is nothing for me. *sigh* I hope Christian would still be with me. Okay peoples. I have spoke too many times of Chirstian and you still dont know who he is. Maybe its time to clear this thing for you...

Chirstian was a guy. I loved him, he loved me, and we were happier than ever. We didnt care aboute this whole shit going on in world as long as we had eachother. Then. One day.... He was dead. Only people I loved in this planet was dead.... That was the time I started to hate this world. My family, my friends, even my own brothers. I dyed my hair black, which normally is lightbrown, and became gothic. I know whats in with all goths in this world. If their faivorite colour just isnt blcak, then their suffering inside. Trying to express theirselves with black.
Only on I loved was taken away from me. I hated even god, I still do, and Im inlove with this hatred. I cant trust, I can love, because Im afraid of what might happen if I do. Four guys who I loved are gone now. Christian, Steven, Cedric, Michael. Im afraid only one thing in this world: Myself. If everyone I love dies - Im gonna be alone in the end. Im even afraid of what might happen to my best friend.... If somehting happens to her.... C'mon god, you took Christian from me, what do you want from me anymore!? I have nothing anymore!! And if you dare to take three peoples from my life anymore.....
There it was. My secret. Now when you guys know this, I feel more free. I havent told this to anyone, really. Now everyone know WHY I hate this world and its god. You christ guys, dont try to defend your god. My beloved has been taken away. The trust is gone. I tell you somehting: Before Christian was taken away from me, I prayed every night, and I was amused if someone didnt belive in god. But then - emptyness. I almost cried my eyes off when I heard. Now, all this time in anger, hatred, sadness, aloniless. End Of All Hope. Now I have excplained why my faith is gone. So dont try to bring it back.
Im going now. Have a nice week.


Oh yes: If someone wants to see my fanart in DeviantArt, write the adress www.DeviantArt.com and find name ReiNGE and you will find my art. *bows* Thank you. NOW have nice week.




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