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Gender
•
Female
Location
• Finland
Member Since
• 2005-01-07
Occupation
• Gothic. NOT Satanist. I just like to wear black, which is my faivorite colour. Thats it.
Real Name
• Johanna
Personal
Achievements
• Uh, dont have any.
Anime Fan Since
• ....When DBZ came up....?
Favorite Anime
• Neon Genesis Evangelion, Naruto, Dragonball Z, Sailor Moon, Inuyasha, Ranma ½, Saiyuki, Gundam Wing, Vampire Princess Miyu, etc.
Goals
• To have a life...
Hobbies
• Anime, Drawing, writing, music, dreaming, making peoples mad...
Talents
• Non.....
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Saturday, May 28, 2005
Damn it......
*sigh* I cant dumb him. You know why? I will excplaine it to you.
I have told you many times how we are so alike. Well. You know I have tried suicide secerval times too. So has he.
Once, I was bored and started textmessaging him. We talked a while, then I asked what he was doing. Hes answer was 'Im standing in a field a gun in my hand'.
It was clear what he was trying. He told it to me too.
We're much alike. We both live for only one person. Without that person, I wouldnt be alive anymore. Same thing with him. As my guardian angel, its not your business who it is. But for him..... its me. Im the reason hes alive. He said it himself. Hes friends have said so. So if I leave him, I will kill him. In hes msn reads 'Johanna is my life, if I lose her you will lose me because we will go different places after life'. Isnt it clear? I would leave him if he wouldnt be so close to kill himself.... And this feels desperate. I want to help everyone, tho I know I CANT help everyone..... I just want to be there for everyone. As for now, I gotta hide my feelings from him, and now matter how much I hate it, I gotta pretend to be inlove. Life is just a game. When he feels better, I will leave him. Or waite he leaves me. Life is hard. But we gotta handle it.
As my life out here.... I hate it. And he doesent make it any better. I have my reasons why I cant make a suicide, if I told you you would laugh, think Im crazy or just not understood, but I cant. I hate this. I.... hate this. Because everyone here calls me bat. Because everyone here hates goths. Because everyone thinks that goth and satanist are the same thing. Because everyone keeps telling me Im ugly. Because everyone keeps pissing me off. Because everyone out here hates me. Because I hate everyone out here.
I dont feel depressed. I feel.... Angry. Desperate.... I feel Milessannes feelings. Tho I dont mind. Milessanne and Angelica.... make me understand life better. They make me understand my feelings. And as they do, Im sorry to say but I cant love anymore. Not the way I used to. I do love but.... I never know if its real or not. I never know if theyre mine or someone others feelings. And I gotta live in this unknownledge.... Is it right? Maybe not. But its my way to live. At least Im alive. I only know one thing.... I love one person in this life. And its enough.... I want Milessanne and Angelica out of me. Because they have their beloved ones too..... and I know both of them. And as they love them, I love them too. Its not right..... Its not me....
I dont think even half of you understoods what Im talking aboute. But you dont have to. Its just the dark, sad, hiding, real me. Not the happy one who uses to hide the real me. Finally.... I really am me. Im not hiding anymore. And you gotta used to my depression. Tho you shouldnt mind it. It will soon turn into anger..... And anger will fade away.
As for my schoolmates who call me bat....
"Go on, call me a bat. But remember one thing..... Some bats can transform into a vampire"
Have a nice day.
What FF7: Advent Children Character Are You?
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