Saturday, January 19, 2008

Im tired-not finished
I'm tired.Physically and metally.Im so tired that I want to give up.I'm so lonely here,I feel so cold alone.I wait to here any sound at all but it is dead silent.This silence is engulfing me its driving me insane.Being so lonely and cold has gotten to me before.I'm such a fragile soul into which the world is tearing apart.Piece by peice without knowledge of it I am being torn apart. This process has lasted since my real first memories-4th grade.Even though those times were the greatest because I had my two only best friends with me.They took a peice of me with them when they left to different schools.As time changes I feel departed,detached,not real.Everywhere around me is unknown.I need knowledge but I can't have the one I want.I wish for knowledge because it dawned to me even before I started aruing with my parents.The arguements for my dad are long gone.I forgive him,I am glad he is happy now.I can't say the same for the meek happy great mother I thought she was. "To children,The mother is the God of their world"-Silent Hill.Even though I saw this part way long ago and on accident I can remember it.For me it is true.I took this to heart.Call me stupid but I really did.Now what happens when they question their God?It was what I had done.Because of the arguements my father (actually my siblings father) and of my mother I had learn things.I need to know things so I wont be in the dark all the time,so my mother will stop saying I dont understand and comprehend because I am just a mere child.I agree with that even though I'm not so happy about it.When they argued with me what they both had the very most common was that one said 'How can you understand whats going on,you dont know anything so dont you be talking like that to me' and my resonse being the truth 'How can I understand whats going on when you yourself will not tell me what I need to know.I ask the questions but you will not anwser me.Because of this you are now telling me i dont understand this and whats going on." and the other parent had said at a separate time 'You are just a child.You don't understand much.You may think you do but you don't.You don't know everything that happens because your just a young child and you have no knowledge of this' and what I had said 'I know that I dont know everything.I had never said I have.It is why I separate Know with Understanding.I understand that I am a child and I havent experienced as much as you have.This is why I ask questions.You as a parent have the right to tell me or not.*mind*which you decide not to.I ask questions so I wont be stuck like this.So you wont be saying that same thing over and over.It is not my fault that you just dont explain to me'.......And this is part of why I'm tired.Im separated from the two people that tie me down to this world.Without them I wouldnt care much for my life.I'd probably find a way to kill myself.But I cant do that because if I do I'll be bringing my best friends life.She had told me if i killed myself she would kill herself afterwards because erica and I were the only reasons she is trying.
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