Saturday, January 19, 2008

Essay 1 for school
Rosa Reyes
Coach T
10/2/07


Cries Of A Mortal Girl


Everything was blurred, out of focus, and has no meaning to me. I went back and forth in the depressing part of my mind. Something wet trailed, like someone's slight touch, down my warmed cheeks. My breath came sharp and I was holding myself for support. I catch a glimpse of something in my eye and turn. Someone way to familiar for my own comfort was being reflected from the depths of my sorrow.
It is like black fire in which grew in inside of you and engulfed you until you were no more. I fell into it's hands becoming a victim of my own depression. I do not know when this happened or how it came to be but I know one thing of it. This gives you the feeling of being alone. As I sit in the darkness of my room listening to the silence, I bring up thoughts that swarm around my mind. It is not a bright idea to leave me this way, to figure things out by myself in these matters. It causes abruption and confusion to my mind causing headaches that eventually lead to migraines. I grasp the feelings in my head and they turn against me, like a grudge holding you into it's cold spiked hands. I begin to imagine many fantasies in which crush me in reality.
As I sit in bed waiting for sleep to overcome me, I feel the same emotion stir inside me that burn coldness through its path. My mind exploded. The word alone and worthless was whispered around me. It drowned me,-suffocating. I stare blankly at the light illuminating off my lamp a few feet away from me, just waiting until the feeling passes. The silence of the night is stabbed through by my tears, my screams, and my whispers. I begin to feel panic. Why is it not leaving? What have I done? I sway back and forth on my bed, holding down tears that could turn into a lake. I hold my head waiting but it would not go away. A voice from nowhere but my head turns its whispers into an audible sound. I searched the room for something with my eyes but I do not know what. The door closed makes my room look like it was closing in on me. The familiar four white walls begin to mock me. "Alone. Everyone left you. Wait. You never had anyone. Your worthless, unusable. Why do you not just die so no one else will keep on suffering." The voice called out. I realized this voice was my own. There were tears coming out that I could not stop. "I can not do anything right. I am worthless to everyone around me. I am falling. This time no one is going to catch me." At some point I was on the ground, sitting, and holding myself. "Why can I do anything right? Why do I feel so empty- so alone? Was my life meant to be like this?" I look up as if someone was there to answer me. "Please answer me. What am I supposed to do? Answer my questions." I was whispering the whole time I spoke. "Is there anyone who could help me?-To love and care for me? Is it too much to ask?
Too many questions were swimming in chaos. I knew by then I could not stop it. The feeling of being alone overtook me. I could not tell what I was saying or thinking. On the floor, a soaked face from tears, was a girl who has lost herself. "Stop this, I do not want this to happen to me anymore. I do not want to be alone." I kept trying to stop myself from crying. With no avail, I kept crying. Sniffles, moans of pain, and whispers echoed out the door. My mom was at work and my siblings were asleep. Even though I loved the night, it made feel so alone. What do I want? No one knows. I rested my head on the edge of the bed crying and continuously arguing with myself. At some point I look at the mirror that rested on the floor. I sat in front of it and looked beyond. The girl in it seemed to be mocking her. First it shows her a beautiful happy girl and then it shows a crying helpless one. I spoke to my own reflection. Call me crazy but it lasted about 15 minutes. I had gotten angry at my reflection. A girl with a smile on her face kept showing up then there was one I was starring at with blurred eyes. "Why do you not ever show what I want to see? Why do you not show the real me but not like this?" I took hold of the edges of the mirror. "Why?" Not one point did I stop crying. "I am such a crybaby. Why do I not just leave forever?" My face turned to anger. "Because I can not do it. I could not kill myself."
Looking at myself in the mirror and speaking to the girl beyond made me realize something. I told myself I would not go insane with this depression. If I wanted to see what I wanted in the mirror I would have to make it happen-not try- make it happen. I told myself I could do it. If I set my mind to it, I can if I try. Except even if I made myself believe that, I could not stop crying. A hour or so had passed by during this event. At some point in looking in the mirror I stopped crying, I had found many solutions. So I tried. I had washed my face, pulled myself together, and grew more confidence since I never had any. I grew tired. I was in my room all fixed up. This was the first time I had realized my hidden feelings. I learned now that I should not keep this so bottled up but open it when your alone at night or to a friend. In the upcoming days after this I will feel at peace and not yearning to cry anymore. I still am. It feels like satisfaction or contentment. My mom came and I hurryingly turned off the lights and pretended I was asleep. I walked out of the room and saw my mom. "May I go to tutoring this morning?" She nodded and went off to her own responsibilities. Just like that. She never noticed that I had cried and she probably never will. I went off as if nothing happened. The world will never know what happened that night. It still kept going and never went to a halt.


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