Saturday, January 19, 2008

Essay 2 for school
Rosa Reyes
11/19/07
Reflective Essay
English-7

Out of control

Everyone in this world regrets something in this world whether it is crucial or unimportant. I, myself, searched the depths of my life in order to find this. The things I do are mostly things that I would not regret but what I have found is regretful. You could say I let down my best friend because she saw me as good soul in which she did not want to be cut down as a fragile piece of art in this world, that we all take for granted. I am ashamed of what I have done. It is my biggest regret and that is a fact.
At this point of life I had fallen into shadows close to darkness, yet I myself have not realized it. My mind has been confused by the thoughts I have brought in. Therefore this started my cycle of trying to find something. I need but I do not acknowledge the fact of what it is. Searching for an untouchable, lonesome, and deceitful object to the minds eyes is hard to find in the world. I searched and researched this hidden object secretly. Time passes and I began to wonder when this all began but with no avail I stopped. Thinking back at it, I see myself lost and detached with my body giving a show for people under a mask of confusion.
As I am having this battle not knowing for what, I find pieces to the puzzle I am creating. This puzzle is not an ordinary puzzle for it is blank. There are thousands of pieces scattered but they are all painted white and changes its form. In order for something to come up, you need to find what is supposed to go on each piece separately. It is a long process when you have to go by from time, actions, and facts. Even though it could take years, I am a patient person willing to find out so I have to keep on going.
Apparently my body physically and mentally could not withstand this. I was confused and had a hidden hatred and anger to the world that I did not acknowledge. At those moments I was struggling within myself. As I had said before in my life do not leave me in these matters. Throughout my complications, I had gotten lost. Taking the advantage of a moment, the time comes to where my physical self took over my mind completely. Mind swirls into water where I am 'drowning', thoughts escape swimming in the dark water that obscure my vision of the surface. I command my hands to reach up in hopes of holding on to something from the surface to arise hence saving myself. Unfortunately my body did not respond. Consequently I went down except for the fact that my mind let go and slightly floated to the surface leaving me there, I panicked, screamed, and yearned for air.
In reality my mind drowned and only my physical self survived it will go out of control. My body yearned for the feeling of life instead of feeling numb. Accordingly to my body's feelings and mind's powerful yearning from under, I had begun a trail of thoughts that will lead to my regret. For anyone thinking I drown, I have not or was in water for that matter.
My mind tricked me but really was not my mind if that makes any sense. I was reaching difficulties and listening to brainwashing music was making it even more difficult. It hurts me to say that I broke my promise with my old best friend. Walking absentmindly to my body's designation, I wanted to know what I wanted in order to stop feeling so numb. Smooth wooden surface glistening in the artificial light has a crooked finger sliding freely on its surface. One specific drawer shines brightly of its plain color. As swift as a blade piercing air but a clumsily as a baby's first time walking, the moment is over. Feeling a rush of adrenaline, I thrust and let go of the item in which almost cut completely on the Tannest pale part of my innocent skin.
The moment is over by then and I feel emotions arouse from inside of me. At first I feel joy, happiness then full of panic and fright. Think over why I have done it but do not have accurate results. Rub and rinse small trails of swollen pink spot, I get another idea. As before, the moment passes quickly and I am in the same spot rinsing except now trails of crimson liquid run on newly open flesh. Barely noticeable by simple-hearted eyes I leave it as is when it stops. Tucked under warm soft blankets, I fall into a deep, tiring sleep. Until the next days to which I keep this a secret from the hawk human eyes. Weeks or months will go by until I confront my friend. A striking pain and rush of sadness will obscure my vision and mind when I come to speak to her. Friends are here to stop the people that I could become from these actions. It is why I told my best friend about this incident.

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