Thursday, February 3, 2005

Warning, horrific amounts of angst ahead
I don't know who I am or what I want any more, and I'm sick of it. I am far too weak for my liking and I feel like I can't do a damn thing about it. It's sickening and humiliating and I can't make myself change.

I'm fat, I'm ugly, and I'm completely unmotivated. I see what I should be doing but I can't bring myself to do it. I have no presence and cannot seem to speak up. I can't say things without bungling the words and I'm unintelligent.

I'm lonely.

One outlet at a time. I eat far too much. I was doing good a few months ago, when I was at home. I wasn't eating nearly as much and I had cut down on my soda intake significantly. All it takes is a month at school and blam, I'm stuffing my face at every oppurtunity again. I need to stop buying sweets and stop eating them. Carbs I can trim easily enough, I don't eat much bread-product when I'm at school, but noodles and rice are impossible for me to give up, so moderation. I suddenly had a cereal sweet-tooth that will be hard to kill, but I will beat this thing.

I barely exercise, and I need to fix that. If only the gym wasn't so far away! That's no excuse and I know it, but when it's below freezing out I can't motivate myself to walk over there. I'll probably feel the same way about it when it's warm outside. I need ... I don't know what I need anymore.

I don't know what I'm doing here. I can't find a purpose, and as much as I seem enthuastic about my classes, I just don't care about them. I don't see what they can give me that I wouldn't learn on my own.

I don't feel like I belong anywhere. I've long since severed my ties with the anime club people, it was harsh and cruel the way I did it and people say that I was too easy on them! I just can't figure it out. I feel like I'm using people and I know that's not right, and I know I'm not using them. I'm just so unused to being a part of a group and actually having friends that... I'm not sure how to act. And I've been hanging around this group for going on four years. I always feel like I'm interupting or barging in or keeping people from their fun.

Then there's my monetary issues. Goddammit, I need to stop spending money on useless and trivial things, and I need to stop TALKING about spending the money I don't have anyway. I want to make this costume, but it's stupid to. I'm not going to get to go to that convention, and I know it, so why bother? Why cling to that stupid hope? God, I'm a fool. I owe so many people so much money.

I can't shake my feeling of loneliness. I have this burning in my chest and the corners of my eyes like I want to cry, like I want to sob it all out but I just can't. Why am I crying? There's no reason and it's foolish and wasteful to be like that. It's not like I have anybody to cry to, all of my friends have their own problems and I'm not going to burden them with my stupid and petty woes.

I can't cope and I can't readjust. For the first time I'm feeling homesick. I can't justify going home this weekend, I can't. I need a job and I've spent what little money I have. But I can't bear to spend another weekend alone.

I can't take any of this any more. I don't know what to do. I keep thinking that no one would notice if I just vanished, and while I know that's not true I don't feel like it's not. Who would come chasing after me? They'd have to notice I was gone, first, and chances are by the time anyone realized it, it would be too late. Some gnawing little voice tells me that's good, that's fine, that's the way it should be. I'm not significant enough for people to worry about or notice, and that's the way things should be. I just want to shrivel up into a hole and let the world pass along without me. I'm so worthless it doesn't even bear thinking about.

I know it's not true, but I just can't seem to tell myself that. I spent an hour just lying on the track and staring at the stars. It's abnormally clear tonight, I could see constellations for the first time in I don't know how long. There's nothing like the vastness of the cosmos to make you feel small and insignificant.

Even walking over here, I was siezed with this strong wanderlust. I want to go. Where, I don't know, I just want to go. I want to go out and live and see this world that so many people talk about. My vision never seems to extend further than these few hundred miles I've spent 21 years of my life in. I want to travel the world on foot, exploring deep stretches of woods where faeries dwell and visiting long-forgotten villages buried in a European countryside.

The most maddening thing in the world is I can't. It would be irresponsible. It would be illegal. I don't have the money to do it. I don't have the guts to do it. So often I get the urge to take my car and go. Just drive until the engine runs out of gas, to see where it takes me.

Somehow, I don't think I'll ever find what I'm looking for. Mostly because I'm not sure what that is.
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