Tuesday, October 4, 2005

0016: I give up.
I haven't been on here in over a week. I'm sorry. I've actually been online... but one hour at a time. I've been doing homework on top of homework on top of homework. I am able to type this simply because I give up.

I fucking give up.

I don't understand my chemistry. Mrs. Bergman isn't a teacher, she is a person who tells you one forgettable thing about an atom, then continues to order Chinese food for the teachers and talk about reality shows, dramas, prime times, and anything else you can think of that doesn't relate in any way to atoms or the periodic table of elements. We get reading, essays, and impossible amounts of work every night, based on a book that might as well be written in German and containing nothing that we talked about in class. Dr. House is not a chemist. Chinese isn't Chemistry either, unless you're not wearing your glasses right now, then you probably can't tell the difference. Mrs. Bergman rarely uses her glasses.

Geometry is easy. Cool teacher, stupid classmates, CP grading scale. I'm the textbook of the class and everyone copies the people that copy off of me. Too much homework.

English is a fun class. It's the last period of the day, so the reading, the essays, and the homework that I get out of that class gets spread throughout the day, and the next day, and sometimes in the five minutes before the bell rings. Sometimes it's just enough time to add the sentence that means the difference between a C and a B. I wish English ended the day, and that's it.

I haven't talked about first period yet. First period is Art. Art is a great class, we all know eachother, Mrs. Coggins is a second mom to us and all that fun stuff. Mrs. Coggins started assigning homework.

I'm fucking failing art now.

I can't find the time to create a fucking sculupture, let alone a simple drawing between two essays and 40-50 pages of reading.

Every fucking night.

I give up.

I'm sick of work, I'm sick of the nausea induced by a blank piece of notbook paper. I'm sick of teachers, sick of people in general.

I've lost interest in my friends as they have lost interest in me. I'm starting over, I want people to forget me so they can be able to remember me. This will be the third time I've reset my life.

This change was brought on by someone who was very close to me until this year. She started with cigs last year, I was disappointed with her, but it wasn't that bad. She moved on to alcohol and cocaine and acid. I don't know how to handle it. She has ignored me for half a year, so now it's my turn, I did my part. I told her no, over and over.

I learned what I listed above, cried for a bit. Woke up, school, homework, drama, nausea, pain, depression, telephone. I had to call her. I ended up leaving a message on her machine basically telling her to go fuck herself and that I don't ever want to hear from her again until she fucking fixes herself.

She called me back, telling me that she doesn't need me anymore. She did fix herself, she found something that made her happy.

Good for her.

I'm re-evaluating my friends, already I have changed. I see what it has done to one of my friends who is trying to fix herself and it's doing nothing but hurting her even more.

So I quit.

I fucking give up.

I don't know what I'm quitting from but I'll figure it out. Tonight, I'm not doing my homework and hoping to fail. I don't fucking care anymore.

I'm sorry for this. This isn't normally me, but I haven't felt like myself since school began. I'm sorry.
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