the new theme is a pic of my doggie that i took. *pets him*hm...my mom's fiance was talking to me today about himself and the whole about-to-be-married issue. oy yoy yoy yoy...my mom has only talked about it to me when i demmanded that she tell me. and since then, she's said nothing about it.
so basically he was talking about his childhood...and the results of his experiences and how i can deal with him when he gets into his anger tantrums. apparently he was adopted by his dad who married 5 times. O________O oh me oh my...and he said that he was molested too....again, oh me oh my. but he's turned out to be a pretty decent guy in spite of that (from what i've seen). he says he's always been reluctant to marry unless it was JUST the right person for him cuz he didn't want to repeat what his dad did...so he considers my mom the "right person?"
all this is going too fast. it's going way too fast. he even admitted that it was going fast. but he didn't have an excuse for it. they plan to marry on the weekend after my bday this year. by then, they wouldn't even have known each other for a full year. and that scares me. from what i've seen, he's a good guy....he's nice, open, and considerate...he says he loves my mom a lot. he sounded pretty genuine. i guess i'm just over-suspicious...i don't want what happened between my dad and my mom to happen again. i'm worried (but then again, when am i NOT worried?). not only for me and my brother, but for my mom also...i've only heard like a half of what happened between her and my dad (i was only like...6 by the time they divorced, so i didn't really pay attention or understand anything..all that mattered to me at the time was if i was gonna stay with my brother. and i was already assured that i was). and i've seen her cry about it so many times. so many times. but every time i offer her comfort, she tells me to go away. :( i know i'm immature and stupid next to her...i know i won't be able to understand everything that went on...but why can't she just let me listen? why can't i at least know? i want to be her friend. i want to listen to her...maybe even to prove that i'm not some stupid, dim-witted little girl. to prove that i understand. which i know i don't...i dunno. but she's shared everything with her fiance in the like, what...seven months they've known each other? and out of the fourteen, almost fifteen, damn years that i've known her and that she's known me...i still don't even know her. she keeps talking to him about hobbies that she wish she could do when her work allowed her to...hobbies that i didn't even know existed in her.
i think my main reason for bearing a grudge against him (yes, i admit it. i was bearing a grudge and tried to convince myself that i was just careful...) is that i feel like he's taking my mother away from me and my brother. maybe that's just cuz we've always been her only attention and now there's just someone else to attend to. and i'm just not used to that so i take it as if she values him over me. stupid immature thinking...i know it's stupid. i know it's not true. i know it, but i don't feel it.
i'm getting off topic...i wanted to talk about his little "talk" with me. i'm not sure how i feel about it. i'm grateful that he talked to me about it...really i am. i needed the reassurance that he truly loved my mom and would do nothing to harm her. and i needed to know more about him, cuz i barely know him at all. and to think he's gonna be my stepfather. i pretty much nodded the whole time through. i didn't really say anything. damn my timidity. he probably took that as if i wasn't really listening, as if i didn't care....but i did, i just didn't know what to say...and even if i did know, i wouldn't say it because...well just because. i dunno. i should have said something...should have thanked him for talking to me about it....he asked me to talk to him about me, but i just said, "i dunno..." i should have told him about his and my mom's absolutely agitating, irksome, annoying over-use of pda. i should have told him that i always seem aloof, selfish, not caring....but that's not it. it's just hard for me to trust others. i dunno why. just is. always had been. not like my brother. my oh-so-perfect little brother who acts so much like my mom. damn, why couldn't i have inherited my mom's personality and not my good-for-nothing-pathetic-excuse-of-a dad's? but in any case, i said nothing.
i dunno what to make of this. i dunno how i feel right now. i feel like i need to express myself...but how, when i don't even know what to express? should i draw a picture of hope? i know the best i can do now is hope that everything will work out. or should i draw a picture of confusion? of i-have-no-idea-what's-going-on-or-will-happen-ness? what can i do? i want so many things...damn my selfishness. i want my mom to come to trust me, i want the relationship to slow down, i want her fiance to just leave me alone (do i?), i want to have the immense kind of emotional strength my mom has...she's fallen into SO many (metaphorical) ditches in her life, and she's pulled herself out of every one. by herself. without others' help. and yet here i am giving in to my whore-mones and sinking into a different ditch in life. a minor ditch compared to hers. and i KNOW i need someone to help me out. how pathetic.
damn, i get distracted easily...i don't know what to make of this. i don't know how i feel. i know that i'll know how i feel tomorrow, that's what always happens...
i guess...i guess that i just feel as if he's intruding into my life. but i also guess that...well, if it's going this quickly, maybe they both have truly found love. real love. real love that my mom has almost given up on, about to throw the idea away in disbelief. and in a sense, i am happy for her. but i'm not happy for me. my brother seems to welcome him most affectionately into our family. there's my brother for you, always trusting, always open, never sulky and quiet like me. like my dad. like my selfish, lazy, arrogant dad. the more i think of him, the more i hate him. and the more i hate him, the more i hate myself, cuz i know that i mirror his personality in almost every way. damn. damn, damn, damn.
i think i want my mom's fiance to just go away. that's what i want, but not my mom, obviously...and as long as mom wants it, it's ok, right? as long as mom's happy, it doesn't matter that rikuheart isn't happy. that's what i keep telling myself, but my damned selfish thoughts keep coming back. i do love my mom. i love her to bits...i would readily die for her at any moment (though i know that me dying would kill her more than me). i know that she loves me. i know that she does not value her fiance over me. i know it, but i don't feel it. i know it, but i don't feel it. what is wrong with me?
i guess i just want attention. damned whore-mones. though it's easy just to blame everything on them...i know part of it is just cuz of me, with or without hormones. me and my selfishness. do i really want him to just back out of my life? i know i do, i'm just not willing to accept it.
whatever will happen will happen. there's nothing left that i can do but hope. hope that everything will be okay and that he won't betray my mom or my brother or me. hope that he'll understand that it's just my personality to be quiet, whether i'm thankful that he's there or not. hope that with his addition to the family (and his cat, mocha :), everything will only get better. i'll have a father, for once. i still don't consider him a father, but maybe some day i will. and maybe i'll have a daddy to run to when i have an issue that mommy won't help in (which is practically always, since she's usually the one i have an issue with).
hope, rikuheart, hope. hope for the best, and whatever the consequences that may follow, you can overcome them. stay strong. keep fighting. keep fighting to get out of that little ditch in your life. whatever happens, you'll live through all this and help the rest of your family cope as well, cuz you can.
i can. i will.
edit: sorry about all the swearing and complaining and the long post. i just needed to let my feelings out and get things straight. :)
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sweefundunger?