Monday, March 19, 2007

*Sigh*
engagement rings:

discussions
petty arguments,
but debates more like

Trying to agree,
but we both want something different
We're both stubborn

"maybe next year"
Then why speak now?
Another dissappointment

I'd be happy with something
Only $6
Size 5

It must be silver
And shiny too
No rocks

"Maybe next year"
sigh
Maybe next year...

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Saturday, March 17, 2007

Is this us? Probably not. It's just a slideshow, but I like the lyrics. One of my favourite songs they've ever done.



The only time you tell me anything is here. And that's just not good enough. It's so easy to say words when you're not looking at the person. But..It just means so much more when you tell someone to their face. Can't you ever do that?

Can't you ever just leave me alone? Just...me, let me be me. Stop saying I need to change this or that. You always do that. You bring up things I don't want to talk about. Things that hurt me very badly and you don't understand. Then you treat it like a joke. That's the problem, Squall, you dont' understand.

You say a lot of things at the wrong time.is it unease? What? Why do we always have to talk with typed letters? Everything gets lost in typed letters. The real pain,the real love, just the reality of it all. We pretend like everything is okay, but I think some how, we're dying on the inside. Just little by little.

"The price you pay for taking sides,

In only one dimension
And how the tension breaks"
~"For All the Marbles", Amanderine

It seems the situation has exhausted itself.

Don't you really love me? Why won't you show it? Sometimes, why won't it feel like it. Saying "goodbye" at night, always hurts the most.
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Thursday, March 15, 2007

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Tuesday, March 13, 2007

I've got this theory...
Yeah, I'm solidly convinced the world is dead set against me. Particularly Caraway and my house phone.

So I overslept by about an hour, getting up at the time I'm supposed to be leaving the house. I hurry and get dressed, after asking if Caraway would be kind enough to take me to the Garden. After agreeing, I finish getting dressed, then get told to stay home. So I stay home and go back to sleep.

I finally get up around 11 am, and I start telling Caraway that I made a phone call and stuff, then the General starts demanding the stupid trivial details of the phone call. That starts an arugment.

I go to my room. I come out two minutes later to get something to eat since I'm starving, and I get yelled at about the stupid computer! Caraway starts blaming the computer as to why I overslept and starts telling me that I can only be on it until 9 pm every evening. ajkasd ofijuawel;ijasdfn l Not only was that random, it is completely uncalled for! I fix the computer when it breaks, I repair damage viruses do to it when the general opens a file that is not safe!! I present valid arguement after valid arguement as to why that rule is unreasonable and all the General can say is "I'm the adult and I said so. You need to learn your place." ajl;kdfi;aw er;awbnajsdf "You need to walk away now because I'm getting angry, and if I'm angry we won't work anything out, will we?" klafdjfa;ifu awenasldfjk alkfnjawo' rueq'owenf'afjo wl9ufja'obfd

If it weren't for me, the computer would have died a long time ago.

So then I get on the computer later in the day and I'm on for maybe 15 minutes trying to check my email, myotaku, etc, and every few minutes Caraway wants something. "Open the door, do this" What the bloody hell? Then I get told that I get 30 minutes left, then I need to do some stuff. alsdfj a;wljiero;wjke ;faklsfnm; lasfahsfdl;

So I get off the damn computer and do what I need to do, then while I'm doing some chores,I get told off that I don't know my place and some other not good things. I get yelled at for staying home. If I had gone, and come home complaining about long my day was the response would have been thus: "Go to bed earlier. I said you could stay home."

I'm so frustrated. Then that stupid phone keeps ringing non stop. I want 10 minutes without Caraway doing something or saying something. I just want to be left alone. Carawy tells me to go to bed at 9:30 at night. "You're tired." "But I'm not sleepy." "Get off the computer."

Everything is about taht stupid computer. I want to break it so badly. Just hack it into a bunch of pieces.


papers are constantly being rustled and moved about. I hate the sound. I want quiet so I can listen to music. It's so agitating to have that going in the background when you're trying to watch an AMV or the questions "who's blah blah blah?"

No one ever listens to me. Squall doesn't. Caraway doesn't. It's like they all tune me out or something. I try talking about something, I mention something, and 2 seconds later, they're asking me about information I already said to them. I swear Squall's going deaf. It's just sucks. It all just sucks.

I wish I had gone to school today. I'm actually looking forward to going tomorrow.


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Monday, March 12, 2007

So the time changed decided to mess with my sleeping pattern. ...Joy.

I didn't go to bed until 12 am. I didn't fall asleep until 1. I got up at 4 to write an essay that...4 people total wrote...I was irritated to say the least....

So...whatever. I'm not tired though.

I woke up and just wanted to be with Squall. Does that seems silly? Then I started crying when I read his post right now. Am I silly? Am i being overly emotional? I dunno..It felt..good to read those things....

He's so stupid..It took him so long...

I'm crying again...
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Saturday, March 10, 2007

First Question of the Day:
What are you thinking about?


Edit:
So I pretty much did nothing all day. I talked IM for about 6 hours. Caught up with a friend I hadn't heard from since last June, and like every saturday, rp'd Chobits with my friend from Finland. Around 2 pm, I started playing FFXI, and checked on my baby chocobo..It is sick..and it loves me. "BeautyArdent considers you to be its parent." I named it BeautyArdent after a song by Within Tempation.

So then around 5 pm, I get a call from Tina-chan and we go out to dinner. She wanted to take me to this panini place, but it was closed, so then I suggested that we try this place called "Pickle Nickle Pizza". But it was closed too. So we settled on this Italian restuant she liked. It was sort of random. It had the classic, classy atmosphere, at least it was trying too, but then it had all these St. Patrick's day decoration and a ghost that went back and forth on a string. Weird. She got this pumpkin raviolies with pine nuts in them. I tried one and really liked it because of the pine nuts. ^_^

So then we just sort of drove around. We wanted to go up and down this one hill, but it was closed as it led to the beach, so then we decided to go windowshop near a old enemy/friend's house. While we were parking, I put a quarter in the slot next to ours, the people had run out of time on their meter. I didn't want them to get a ticket. so anyways, I wanted to leave a note for my enemy/friend, since she wasn't home, so we asked a person sitting on their porch next door for a pen. The girl gave me a piece of paper too, so I jotted down a quick note and left it in her mail box. She probably won't get it until Monday.

But before that, we went to the firestation to see if they would give us a tour. No luck, since it was after "business hours". I didn't firestations had business hours..interesting...

On our way back to the main street, I got a stem of cherry blossom.

Tina-chan bought herself a pair of chopsticks for her hair, and I put her hair up for her.

We walked for a little while longer, then I wanted to go look at something and dragged her across the street. I saw a girl I hadn't seen in forever! I knew her when she was only in kindergarten, and now she's in 8th grade! So I finished dragging Tina-chan to the place I wanted to be and I stood where I hadn't stood in about 10 years purely because the gate was open and I could stand there.

Someone else lives there now. With no idea about who lived there before. With no idea of the little things a little girl did because she didn't know better and they taught her to believe in things other people didn't necessarily belive in at all. Apartment #2.

So then we headed back to her car, stopping to get some gilati. I got blood orange (which is really good, by the way) and after asking the clerk which was his favourite kind, she settled on Fig (even though the clerk didn't even mention it).

She drove me home and we talked. we talked some more when she pulled up to my home and I was 20 minutes late getting inside. I gave her my cherry blossoms. Caraway was peeved i was late, but i didn't care.

Squall was supposed to come over after work, but he worked very late this evening. I understood. It was work. It's important. I wanted to see him though. He wanted to see me. He told me so. But I'm seeing him tomorrow, so it's all good.

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Thursday, March 8, 2007

Where is the moment we needed the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to gray
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee you go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces every time
And I don't need no carryin' on

Because you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Will you need a blue sky holiday?
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carryin' on

You had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day

(Oooh.. a holiday..)

Sometimes the system goes on the blink
And the whole thing turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well oh that strong
And I'm not wrong

(yeah...)

So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
You've seen what you like
And how does it feel for one more time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

So..Yeah...I had a bad day. Got up at 4 to finish a paper for a poor instructor. I got yelled at...And the day seemed to be going way too slow.

I think i have two tests tomorrow. Damn.

I'm exhausted.

At least Squall had a good day.

It was really hot taking city transportation...some lady asked me to shut the window because it was really cold...Funny thing though...it was sweltering both inside the automobile and out...And I was wearing long sleeves because I'm insane. Not to mention caring a whole bunch of stuff that I didn't even use...

lakjfdaiwe j'oalndfaiod

I had a bad day.
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Monday, March 5, 2007

So Sunday...
So on Sunday I get up and get dressed and squall takes me to church with him. After that, we have a slight detour as we look up a map and all that jazz, but then we finally headed to the Huntington!!! It was soo awesome when we got there, a little hot, but really incredible. I love the Japanese Garden!! I wanted to take some cherry blossoms home with me, but I didn't. I would love a cherry tree in my backyard. Just imagine the cosplay photos!!! ^_^;;

We were sitting by the lillypad ponds, when we saw a girl all dressed in black just like me. similar shirt similar pants, and boots up to her knees.

"There goes your indiviuality," Squall said. Or something like it. I told him I really didn't care. I wanted a picture with her, just for the novelty.

I am me. I go out of my way a lot to be different, but I like wearing black. A lot of other people wear all black too, but that doesn't change the fact that I won't stop.

We left the Library around 2 and drove home. I fell asleep on the way back and he woke me up with a kiss. We got something to eat before he dropped me off at home. While he was leaving, one of my instructor's drove by...He seemed shocked to find out where I lived..."You live here?"

"Yeah..."

"Then how come I've never seen you here before...?"

"I dunno..."

It was strange...So then I went and spent time with Tina-chan. We went to Chipotle for some burritos then headed out to the beach for the evening. We just talked and got angry and laughed and just talked. I kissed her. She kissed me back.

and drama started and it's still going on. And Squall said he might pick me up with he got off, and he didn't, so she had to take me home. and he kept saying sorry because he dissappointed me again, but I understood!!! Doesn't he get that!?!?! I understood!! He had work! That's important.

I'm not that selfish am I?

So we spent the rest of the evening texting each other. It's almost like he wants me to choose her...Like it wasn't hard enough....

And now it's carried into today (Monday). I stayed home from school.

I picked.



I picked Squall.

Edit:
I told Tina-chan who I picked. She only said "I figured." It hurts. All this hurts. I called Squall and we talked for a while, then I went and started playing FFXI, where he once again tried to convince me that I would be better off with her. He spent 3 hours trying to argue his point. It hurt so much; like my heart was being torn apart. I cried. Again. I didn't tell him, but once he reads this, he'll know. But I'm trying to be truthful.

They both said "I want you to be happy." They both said to pick the other person. They both love me. But it seems like it's just so much easier to say "Go with that other person" than to say "Stay with me! You're better with me!!" They wouldn't even fight for it. Is it selfish of me to want them to say they want to be with me? I know they care, but..I dunno..I'm being selfish. It's hard to let someone go.

Squall said that...that he was so ready for me to walk away...How could he say that? I love him. I love him so much it hurts. I dunno...

This is going to hurt for a while, isn't it?

Caraway decided to lecture me on all this. Decided to lecture me about staying home from my classes, like I do this all the time. "This isn't how it is the workplace." and all that. I'm not five. I'm almost all grown up. I'm not stupid. I know. I don't ask for random days off all the time. Why does the General treat me like a child?

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Saturday, March 3, 2007

Yeah, so I figure I'm just going to put the titles of songs or whatever. It may have nothing to do with my mood, but I dunno. I might add the lyrics or a video. I dunno.

Yeah, so anyways, Garden released students from classes early yesterday so that was nice. Squall came and got me, but I had to stick around for some auditions...Is selphie doing something again...? She's cute, but...she makes me wonder, ya know?

We did our friday night ritual of Burger King and a Movie. I finally saw Fearless. It's such a great movie!! Just the over all message of it, the music (I need the soundtrack), the stunts, the composition of the shots, just everything about it was often. I love kung fu films. Jet Li is an amazing martial Artist. It's just a shame I probably will never be able to see how fast he really is because films suck...The martial artists have to slow down for people to be able to see their movements. It is a great shame that Jet Li won't be doing any more Kung Fu movies. I'm just starting to become a fan.

So Squall's been having trouble with sleeping. That stupid Insomnia of his. He won't sleep. So I wanted to tuck him in. There's a certain amount of comfort in being tucked in and having someone kiss you good night. It hurts though, when they leave, becuase you don't want them too. So i tried tucking him in, and I tried calling Caraway so Squall wouldn't have to drive me home. But the General was out galavanting so after lots of crying on my part becuase this...this thing (Squall and probably no one else will know what i'm talking about) is really getting to me. It had only been 10 days.

But I don't like small kisses. They feel real enough, but it's hard to feel anything with them. It sounds confusing, but it follows my current trend of thinking everything is fake. Everything feels fake. Like a bad dream. So I made him give me a real kiss. The kind where you feel everything. I missed it. It felt warm. Not that the small kisses he gives me aren't, but I always get mad when he gives me those. Like I'm being cheated out of something. I don't really have a right to feel that way, but I missed that kiss that he gave me last night. It just felt good. Not in a naughty way, but it just felt good. Like I could really tell he loved me.

This hurts. I'm crying.

He ended up taking me home. He got out of bed. I wanted him to sleep. He was sick. He was tired. I was able to check my cell messages finally. There was something Caraway said on the message that sent me into a rage, something that made everything I was feeling sort of erupt. I'm angry all the time and I take it out on Squall and I dont' mean to. I see what I'm doing. I hear the tone in my voice. But it's like it's someone else.

She's not dead. She never was. Is she waking up out of that coma? She didn't come up last night. I thought she was. I feel horrible.

I spent a good 10-15 minutes out in Caraway's car yelling and screaming and crying. I hit my knee with my fist really hard repeatedly. I dunno. Everything just hurt. And I was mad. aoidfja[p0 w49qhabjfdae'

So this morning, I get up and get dressed. Take a shower. I need to still trim my fringe. Squall calls up and we decide not to go to the Huntington Library. Money factors. No gil. We're broke. Where does the money from SeeD go? So afterwards I start crying.

Then he calls up and we decide to go again. he could tell I had been crying, or was about to cry.I wanted to cry.

asdlfja weha;lsbndfao;w94taoasho; fai8ow hha oiwhas;d

So now I still need to go trim my fringe.

I need to check on my chocobo in FFXI.

I'm making up my mind what I want to do this evening. I want to spend it with him. But I don't want to tell him that. There's a lunar eclipse. I might spend it at the beach with a friend. I owe her a walk on the beach with a full moon.



Edit:
So Squall actually picked me up on time. Then broke the news to me that he still had to go pick up a cable for his computer, which was on the fritz. So we go to a store and buy the cable, but by now I'm already in a bad mood, because Caraway decides to lecturee me about fighting with Squall and some other stupid stuff. And I start figuring that we'll get 5 minutes in the gardens becuase of how long it takes to get to the Library. In the store he starts telling me a story about what, I can't remember, but I'm listening, but I apparently don't seem like it. THen sort of out of no where, I comment that he gesticulates a lot. "Is that bad?" he asks.

"No. I was just saying."

"I'll stop if you want me to."

"I was just commenting."

"I'll stop."

So we get the stupid cable, then in the car I start crying really badly. I say how he dissapoints me a lot and how everything just hurts. And how i might like someone else, and how they like me too. It just got out of control.

We spent the afternoon with him trying to figure out what was wrong with his comp. We went for a walk in the park, which was nice, but I was still antsy (sp?), so after dinner I had him take us to Downtown Disney.

They actually let us park for free, which was pretty cool. I found out because the grips on my boots are shot that i can slide really well on some of the tile in the Disney parking garage. But it was really nice. We walked in and out of shops, listened to some performers that were out there, talked and get this...WE HELD HANDS!!!! It's something we don't do often, so i was excited.

I was happy when I went to bed, though slightly dissappointed that I didn't get to see the Lunar eclipse because it took place in mostly europe and stuff...)

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Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Sleep
He won't sleep. Squall won't sleep. He can't. I'm worried. I'm so worried about him...

Sleep squall just sleep!! please!! just sleep!! Just please go to sleep...
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