Wednesday, February 28, 2007

This is where our hearts collide
And I always make you cry
The price you pay for taking sides

In only one dimension
And how the tension breaks

Their words are only make believe


'Cause even perfection bleeds
Through crackled imagery
The terrifying feeling
When good intentions fail

This is it
For all the marbles
Where are you?
Where are you?

This is it
For all the marbles
Where are you?
Where are you?
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Monday, February 26, 2007

CANTATE TIBI ITAM (Sing to you away)
I just like the phrase. It's from Victoriam Speramus, by Krypteria. It's a really cool sounding song. I suggest it to anyone interested in people singing in Latin.

So anyways, I'm back from the Garden's Retreat. I tried becoming less crazy, and working on all of my flaws, and just being better, but I might have ruined one of my best friendships. But if it's any consolation everything didnt' start to fall apart until thursday night. Wednesday night, I was just angry, then I started to let stuff go.

But there was snow. And that's good. I spent 20 minutes ranting in it. That was nice, so when I went back inside I was covered in white, instead of my black. I bet it was interesting to look at. I also bet no one took a picture. The only pictures I took were the pictures they made me take on the last day, and I think I'm about ready to cry in all of them.

It wasn't until we were heading back to the garden on friday and I was in the bus that I just let EVERYTHING go. I was looking at all that snow cast in the mountains' shadows and I thought about how clean and pure it looked, not to mention dark and creepy in a sense, and I just let it go. We pieced, rather scotch taped everything back together when we got back, but I'm afraid it may fall apart again. I haven't talked to her today hardly. I miss her.

Saturday night I watched the movie "Click" with Squall. It was a cute movie with a really good message to it. I wanted to cry. (But don't tell squall that, he'll never let it go) I actually did cry after the movie was over, though it was for something completely different. We got into a long discussion after he dropped me off at home, and Caraway really wanted him to leave, but he didn't. Not until long after the General went to bed.

Oh, and my friend in Finland said my life was a Shoujo Anime. Squall agreed. Too much drama though. I would have liked Seinen, which is sort of like Cowboy Bebop, but I guess those days are over, huh? Lol ^_^;;

Sunday night, last night, we got into a fight. I cried some more. I seem to cry a lot, don't I? It's good, you know. To cry, I mean. That way you don't hold anything inside and you don't become angry or resentful or anything. and you definitely can't become numb because you're constantly feeling it. He and I, Squall and I, we always fight over the same things. It's stupid. Why do we do that?

"Instead of trying to fix the problem
They never solve them
It makes no sense at all...

"If this is what he wants
And this is what she wants
Then why's there so much pain?"
~"Stay Together for the Kids", Blink 182

Today, we didn't fight. I was being tickled by one of my friends today, or at least he tried to tickle me, and my nose slammed into his shoulder. I felt the cartildge go cruch, sort of. Then the next thing I knew, my friend was telling me my nose was bleeding. So i ran to the bathroom, leaking blood every where. On the Garden and on my friend's pants. So I've had a head ache ever since. I wanted to go home, but I couldn't get a hold of caraway and I couldn't call anyone else, so I couldn't. Even one of the most oblivious instructors noticed I wasn't acting like myself. I was acting how I act when I'm really tired: drunk. So it must have been pretty bad. I want to stay home tomorrow, but I can't. I wonder if I have a minor concussion. I'm scare to go to sleep. I'm scare I may not wake up in the morning.

My head still hurts. A lot. And I mean a lot. I want advil or something. I can't believe I'm forming coherent sentences.

So, Squall, if you're reading this and it's past midnight, go to bed. You need your rest. I love you.
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Monday, February 19, 2007

Maybe...
Maybe I have finally lost my mind? Maybe I've gone so far and haven't even realised it? Did I leave my notebook in his car? No, I didn't. I just couldn't remember if I had brought it in with me when he dropped me off, after we spent an hour sitting there, talking.

I said "fuck" a lot last night. And acted drunk. I can't distinguish a line that really needs to be distinguished. It's so thin that I don't know where to draw it, but it needs to be drawn. I'm scared to do this on my own, but I have to. Why doesn't he ever check my site? I comment on his blog thingy, why doesn't he ever comment on mine? I wish he would. It would give me something to read.

I have to draw that line in the next four days, so when I come back, I'll be better and she won't be there any more.

"Twisted every way?
What answer can I give?
Am I to risk my life to win the chance to live?
Can I betray the girl who once inspired my voice?
Do I become her prey?
Do I have any choice?

"She kills without a thought
She murders all that's good
I know I can't refuse
And yet, I wish I could
Oh god if I agree,
What horrors wait for me?
In this, the phantom's opera?"



"She's nothing without her dark side."

Will that be me? Will I be nothing?I'm on the verge of a break down. I can feel it. But I have to rebuild myself. I have to pick up the piece when I'm broken, so I'm stronger.


I have to be Squall's key. So I must become the strongest substance. I will be.

I want to be a lion, too.
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Sunday, February 18, 2007

Free Free Free
It's really windy right now.

I want to go fly a kite.

But I can't. There are storm clouds. It's very dark outside. Squall is going to come pick me up in a few moments.

I want to be free, you know?

Just free.
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Catching up
I think I should up date this thing a lot more? Lol, it's not like anyone reads it anyways, but I guess it's a way to vent.*shrug*

First thing:
On tuesday I started a bit of a revolution in my Cinema Production Class (the Garden requires you be trained in all areas). I just talked at the instructor for about half an hour about how the class was horrible and what needed to be changed. So now...I'm pretty much in charge of the class! Pretty cool, huh? I could probably explain that better, but I've got a lot of things to catch up on.

Valentine's Day:
I wish I could say that Squall came and whisked me away and I didn't have to go to classes and that we spent the whole day together. Caraway would have had his head on a silver platter if he had done that. So after my classes, he picked me up (I was in a really bad mood, btw. I had only gotten 4 1/2 hours of sleep because I thought a project was due for one of my classes, but it's not due until Tuesday), I changed and we sort of had a hard time deciding what to do. He took me to a bookstore and told me to get anything I wanted since he didn't know what to get me for a gift (I had gotten him a key to my home). I might have dozed off in the bookstore. We went to go see Music and Lyrics, which such an adorable movie!! I loved it! I love a lot of things, if they have good music. I really want the soundtrack now. We spent about an hour sitting outside my house just talking. I won't say about what. I cried, I'll say that, but it wasn't really his fault, just what he said. But it's not like he was the only that ever said anything pertaining to the subject. I said stuff too, that made him feel as bad as I do. Why didn't he say anything...? Right...it's Squall...you've really got to work to get any emotion out of him..I made it inside, right before Caraway was going to call my cell..So close...lol, anyways, we ended on a good note. No pun intended...maybe it's just in my head?

Friday:
I was in a bad mood again and went to where Squall was staying. I took a 3 hour nap, and was still exhausted after I got home at 12 am.

Yesterday:
Last night was the winter formal, so I spent a good deal of time doing laundry and playing video games. We went, and it wasn't nearly as mad as last year. Oh sure, the music was mad, it only went until 11, and the theme was maquerade so of course, only a few people wore masks, but it was really good. I'm not being sarcastic. Apparantly, the vegetarian food was a lot better than the regular food, and Squall wished, for the evening at least, he had been a vegetarian. It was cute.

When he showed up though, he had his hair slicked back so he looked a lot like Erik from the 2004 version of The Phantom of the Opera. It makes me sort of sad that his hair didn't stay that way, especially with the mask he wore. he would have looked like Don Juan. Lol. I'm being stupid.

The centre pieces had fish in them, so we took one home. It's sitting in the middle of my living room.

Some of my friends literally pulled Squall out of his chair and out onto the dance floor, me too. I didn't want to dance, it was bad music. I don't dance to bad music.

Afterwards, we made an attempt to visit one of my friends, who actually stopped by my place, instead of going home to her house, so there was a mix up.

I'll rewrite this later, i'm distracted.
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Saturday, February 17, 2007

Frustration
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Tuesday, February 6, 2007

I'm over smiley today
Squall came and got me from Balamb! He needed something from the Garden and I practically tackled him when I saw him in the hall. I wouldn't stop hugging him. I was so happy to see him!!

Caraway hates it when he comes inside, so...we stayed out in the car and just talked for a while. It was nice. I missed him so much, but it had only been a couple of days since I've seen him last.

I'm glad he stopped by. I'm glad I got to see him. I'm just really happy!
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Monday, February 5, 2007

Love
Hmm...first time I used a smiley thing...

The title sounds so stupid, but I didn't know what else to put. It just seemed right, you know?

Sometimes, I just wake up, or I'm not really thinking about much of anything, and it just hits me that I really love Squall. I just really feel how much he means to me and I don't know what to do. It's insane. And I cry because he's not there and I miss him. I did that this morning while I was doing my hair. I just started crying because I missed him so much; because I love him so much and sometimes I don't think he even realises it.

god I love him. I love him so much I don't know what to do sometimes. I don't know what to think I just want to be where he his all the time. I just want to make him the happiest person in the whole world. I miss him right now.
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Monday, January 15, 2007

*cough*
I'm sick again. I've been sick. I feel icky. Squall kept me company last night. He would have been here sooner, but his schedule and my sickness just didn't allow for it. He came anyways though. It made me feel happy, even when I did fall asleep.
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Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Whoo!!
I just finished my mid-terms!! I'm on break now!! Only..I'm really sick...What a bummer. I need to get better by Friday so I can go with Squall some where, other wise, Caraway definitely won't let me leave....Mind you, I don't really listen anyways, but I really want to be with Squall for Christmas!

Because, if I don't go, I'm going to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas alone in my room...I dont' want that to happen, I wanna be with Squall!
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