Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Valentine's Day
Well, it didn't go as horribly as I had expected. Though it didn't go quite as well as I hoped, either. But then again, I should know by now not to hope for the best, because all I can really expect is the worse.

I somehow knew things would sort of turn sour towards the evening. Gladly, the akwardness of it only lasted through dinner. We were mostly quiet, Squall and I; and I didn't touch my food at all. I wasn't hungry and the smell of it made me sick, which only furthered my dislike of the food.

I don't think I will go into details, and I dont' think I will promise to be better. Most of these posts have been promising to be better. To change.

Obviously, they don't work and I don't keep my word. I try at first, but then I forget or something pushes me over the edge.

I don't feel much like Xena anymore, though. I think that's just because I'm either very tired or very jaded. I'm betting on both. After all, I didn't attend any my classes at Balamb today because I was much too tired. Squall isn't bring by my books because he hurt his back while training. Again. He really needs to be more careful. He says that if it doesn't get better by tomorrow, he's going to go see to Dr. Kadowaki.

I know it's selfish of me, but I wish he would come to see me and drop off my stuff anyways. I miss him.
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Thursday, February 2, 2006

Sigh
It's been a while since I've posted anything. Ironically, I'm not angry at all. I'm actually quite calm, a little annoyed at one of my friends at Balamb because he's being manic depressive. Again. It's hard to deal with sometimes.

Balamb recently forced me to go on a retreat in the middle of nowhere..It was only two days, but I was kinda bored, there wasn't much to do except listen to people talk about gibberish. I tried not to pay too much attention to it, particularly during the evening. I wanted to sneak away and look at the stars because I hardly get to see them anymore! Everyone said it was going to be really really really really really really really really cold. It was. Outside. Inside the dorm, it was actually pretty room, but I think that might have had something to do with the fact that I stole Squall's pyjama bottoms...

Okay, maybe steal isn't the right word. I asked him and he let me borrow them. I still have them. I'm wearing them right now. They're quite comfy. ^_^ I don't think I'll give them back for a long while...

Oh, and I'm doing okay with my reform, which I started again for like the billionth time this year. That's saying something because it's only February.I think I made some real progress yesterday without being aware of it! It felt so natural, and I tried to be that way again today, but it didn't feel right. Ah well, One day is better than none, right?
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Monday, January 16, 2006

post- Xena con
IT WAS SO MUCH FUN!! I actually got to see Lucy Lawless (Xena) and Hudson Leik (Callisto), 'twas so cool. Unfortunately, I didn't get to meet them in person or get their autographs. 1) because Lucy wasn't taking pics or signing anything and 2) because I didn't have enough money to pay for Hudson's picture or autograph. It was all so cool though!

The convention itself was kinda small. There weren't a lot of tables, ie. not a lot of people selling merchandise. Not to mention there weren't a lot of people at the convention in general.

I think only three people dressed up, almost everyone else wore some sort of Xena shirt, myself included. Maybe it's a good thing I didn't get a costume done in time? *shrug* I'm still getting a costume made though. I want a Xena costume.

But this time, we're ordering the pattern on-line, from this guy that gets it down exactly. It's so cool! I'm a little envious of the costumes and the people that buy them, actually, because the costumes are so accurate. Maybe I should just buy one from him instead? The only problem is that the costumes are rather expensive. It's about $899 for just the dress, not to mention the breast plates, the arm guards, the knee guards, the back plate, and the shoulder guards. Am I fogetting anthing...? Probably, but I don't think so.

I bought myself this huge cardboard cut out of Xena for about $25, which is actually pretty good, seeing as how these cut-outs are pretty rare, and therefore very expensive. The only reason why I got it so cheap was because the woman didn't know how much it was worth and had little post it notes all over the cut-out that said "make me an offer", so i did. I thought $20 was not enough, other wise, I would have gone for that.

During the auction, Squall actually bid on something. Here's the catch, with my money...So we were standing in the back of the room, watching everyone bid on something, occasionally bidding ourselves on an item, something I really wanted. Then the auctioneer brought out a Hercules product. Now you see, most of the items were started with the bid of $50, so what did Squall yell out the instant the item was up for bids? "FIFTY!!" It made me so mad. I don't mind if he bids with my money, I would prefer if he asks first. But he promised to repay me and buy much in the way of Xena goodness. Later, during Hudson Leik's time on stage, he decided that he didn't want the item so he wouldn't have to get me the Xena goodness and we didn't go pick up the Hercules stuff. It was funny though, the people that were sitting in front of us told us that Squall better buy me something good for bidding with my money. ^_^;

We left about an hour early because there really wasn't anything else to do and I was partaking in the Xena trivia contest, though Squall kept telling me I should, saying that I knew everything about Xena. I know a lot about Xena, but I don't think I know everything. Not yet. I will one day though.
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Sunday, January 15, 2006

pre-Xena Convention
okay, so the costume didn't get finished. go bloody figure. the pattern was all wrong and there was absolutely no way i could modify it in time. All that effort, all that screaming, all that anger for absolutely nothing.

I didn't cry last night when it dawned on me that I wouldn't get to have a costume. Okay, i cried a little because of that, because i'm a spoiled little brat. But I mostly cried because of everything that had been wasted. Everything for absolutely nothing. All that time and I have absolutely nothing to show for it. That's what makes me upset the most.

Squall-sama helped me though, a little bit. He cut out some of the vynal for the skirt part of the costume, that saved me a lot of time, because i was sewing some stuff and eating while he was doing that. ^_^;

Caraway actually helped me too, actually doing a great deal of the work. It actually just makes it worse, when they both put so much effort into trying to help me and it's all for absolutely nothing!!

...whatever...no use in whining about it, right? it's not like it's going to change anything, or make anything better...

it still sucks so badly though!! it's not fair!! At least i'm going, but it's not going to be the same without a costume.
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Saturday, January 14, 2006

Why do I always do this!? Why?! I never mean to but I always do!! I always hurt him and I don't mean to! I never mean to hurt him and I do!! Whether it's physically or emotionally, I always some how find some bloody way to make him hurt somehow!!

I don't understand why!!! For the love of God, Why?!!?

I'm crying so hard right now and I can't possibly explain how much everything hurts right now and how much I bring it on myself!! Why can't I just stop the hurting!? Not mine, his!! Just his!! Why do I make things so impossibly hard?! Why for the love of god?!!?!

Why can't i just stop hitting? stop being so bad? what the hell did i do to deserve being like this? what did he deserve to get someone like this?

maybe there is evil? maybe i'm evil? i don't know, but my heart is broke and i don't know if squall can fix it!!

Why dammit!!?!?! Why!?!!?

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Wednesday, January 11, 2006

This week
This week has gone by much too quickly!! I haven't even begun working on my costume yet!! I have all the stuff I need for it, but I haven't actually started it and the convention is on Sunday!! I'm scared I'm not going to be able to finish it in time!!

And to make things worse, I still don't have a present for Squall-sama's birthday yet!! I only have a vague idea of what I'm going to get him! And normally I know way ahead of time!! And then, after his birthday, I have to worry about what to get him for Valentine's Day! And what I'm going to wear for the Winter Formal! This is so unfair...!

I'm off to work on the costume. I hope it gets done! It's just got to!!
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Friday, January 6, 2006

Off-kilter
I'm not how I used to be. I've gotten softer. Weaker, I'm sure. It's not right. I don't like this me, not at all.

Well, that's not entirely the truth. I do enjoy being like this, just a little. That means Sakti is gone for the most part. That, she's practically gone. But, it doesn't feel right.

I used to be able to pull up my moral when I was beaten down. Able to pull myself together when I was staring defeat in the face. But when I was playing Risk with Squall-sama last evening and I made a fatal flaw very early in the game, I couldn't bring myself to play any more. I just couldn't. I actually wanted to cry and I'm not quite sure of the reason. Disgust at myself? The lack of hope? The thought that I, the supposed Warrior Princess, made a fatal flaw?

But then again, I gave up being the Warrior Princess a while ago. Something that seems lifetimes away.

This isn't me. This can't be me. It just can't! Everything I had orginally strived for in the beginning gone in less than a year?! And yet..some of that fury must still be there, burning, if I can want it. But innocent people can think they want something, but, deep down, they really don't want it at all. Is this one of those things? Do I think I want to follow the way of the sword again, when in fact, i really don't?

No..No, I won't let this happen. I've gotten too soft and I can't let it continue. I won't be as horrible as Sakti, but I can't kill her. She made who I was, and Squall made me who I am, but neither really did it without my consent...

But now...I have to forge for myself a new me.

Borne of Darkness. But still good. Fighting evil. Making up for what I did in the past. Learning.

I'm scared I can't do it though. I can't stand what I've become, but part of me actually likes this! There has to be a medium some where. There has to be!

But what if there isn't?
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Sunday, January 1, 2006

New Year's
Looks like I made it though another year! One entirely with Squall-sama by my side, or rather, one entirely with me by his side. He's the one that said that a few minutes after the clock struck midnight.

He and I left the old year and entered the new year in the best way possible: with a kiss. It was so sweet, and very much so the best event of the entire evening.

I won't go into details of the evening, no matter how annoyed I am at the turn of events. And believe me, I am very, very, very much annoyed at the way things went.

As for any resolutions I have for the coming year, I've been telling everyone that I don't have any, which is a lie. I have two:
1) To stop getting into huge fights with Squall-sama. The fights have just got to end.
2) To be a better girlfriend in general for Squall-sama. After all, he's so good to me, he deserves it.

I'll spending the next week or two in between making two costumes for the Xena Convention, trying to find a dress for the Winter Formal at Balamb, and finding a present for Squall-sama's birthday...I already got him two tickets to a hockey game for christmas, and I don't know how to get him something better!!

The costumes won't be too difficult, I think. I just need to find patterns for Xena's costume and Ares' vest, then sew them.

The dress for the formal, however...I don't wanna go shopping!! I don't like the mall people!! They get in my way!! And they don't have enough black dresses that make allowances for my busty appearance...Curse them!!

Sometimes, it's really hard to be a girl..


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Monday, December 26, 2005

They're over!!
Christmas is over! It is gone and done and I can focus on bigger things!! Like reading the massive amount of books I received! Lol..

Well, what can I say about this weekend? Oh, I know, it took too long. Christmas Eve wasn't a disaster. Probably because I wasn't with my family, who hates me so.

Christmas, I was sick. Go figure. And yet...I was still forced to go and visit people who manipulate me and try to make me feel guilty all the time. I actually threw up my breakfast... Then, when I returned home a few hours later, I was forced to clean...! So I spent the day in between nausea and headaches, and dealing with more family, of which never ceases in teasing me about one thing or another.

So I spent the latter bit of the evening, approximately an hour and half, playing Xena: Warrior Princess...The number of times I've beaten that game is incalculable, and I've never gotten sick of it..That's because I love Xena. Xena is sooo cool...

Squall-sama got the complete second season of Xena for Christmas!! Sadly, however, I haven't been able to watch any of it due to the fact that I have been sick and had to deal with family.

Tomorrow I will have a Xena-thon!! And some where in there, I will go to shopping for a trench coat, which I will make like Arisa Uotani's from Fruit's Basket...and keychains...but the keychains just won't be the same..

It's a boring dull story which I shall not go into detail about because it is exactly that. Boring and dull.

And I'm going to bed now because I'm ill and tired and extremely cold.

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Friday, December 23, 2005

The Holidays
Okay..the red duster and arm warmers aren't going as I planned...The duster came out all wrong and looks horrible, and the arm warmers are giving me a mass amount of difficulty.

I practically gave up last night, shrieking about how i wanted to burn the duster...stupid duster...

As it turns out, I was only very tired, so I tried it again this morning. I'm still irritated because the paint job on the wings came out very sloppy. That is probably because my hands were pretty shaky, and I was talking to Squall-sama while I was doing it...

As for the arm warmers...quite currently, they can go to a far off place I like to call Hell...as one may probably tell..I'm annoyed to say the least.

I'm starting to remember why I dislike the holidays so much. The commercialism, the people, the over-whelmingness of it all, the fact that I really don't like seeing everyone that happy...I don't know why I don't, I just don't.

I prefer to keep my distance from anything holiday related, but like always I'm bound to get dragged into it. C'mon sickness!! You can kick in now!!

I'm spending Christmas Eve with Squall-sama and one of his friends, and his friend's family. Joy...I wonder what the expect me to be like? His friend's family wants to meet me, that's the only reason I'm going..and to be with Squall-sama...

I'd rather be alone this weekend. Just me, my game systems, my books, some music, and some type of food high in sugar. That's the way the holidays should be. But no. I must spend time with family. So they can mock me and throw bread at me.

I just need to make it through the weekend..

Weekend, why can't you be over so I can get on with the rest of the year...?
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