Monday, December 19, 2005

Last night
One would hardly call last evening a pleasurable event. The play itself was absolutely lovely. It was really funny and I would totally see it again. Unfortunately, it was the last performance. I'll have to find another play house performing the play.

It was the events preceeding the play and following it that leave much to be desired. The group itself was pretty big, more than ten people. The only persons under the age of 18 was myself, Squall-sama, the underclassman, and the underclcassman's younger sister, who, by the way, doesn't attend Balamb. But that's not important.

Anyways, before we went to go see the play, we all had dinner at a restraunt, and the subject of schools came up. I believe one of the adults asked if squall-sama and I attended Balamb garden with said underclassman. Then the subject of religion came up, and it was soon discovered I was the only non-catholic at the table. I'll be blunt, I'm atheist. I'll get into why another time.

Somewhere in there, I made a comment or two about how I was particularly intelligent and some of the other schools I've attended were too easy, and I just wasn't challenged enough. He then began asking me all these questions, pertaining to philosophy and the greek classics. I said I hadn't read any of the greek classics except for The Illiad and The Oddessy by Homer, when I was twelve, and that I was more interested in Oscar Wilde. Then up popped the debate about whether or not Wilde was tried at a gay person and whether that was right or wrong. I defended my point, not particularly well, though. I'm not very good at debates. Not very good at all.

Originally, I thought he was only talking to me because he saw my intellect. Because I seemed worthy talking to. And I thought I handled myself very well. Then Squall-sama told me he was actually picking on me because I wasn't Catholic. I wanted to cry right then and there!

Oh, wow. Picking on a 16 year old girl. Asking her questions about things she hasn't even read yet. Very good. You're so intelligent.

Once again, the last paragraph was chalk full of sarcasm. I'm more well read and more intelligent than many of the adults I know! I think about things most people don't even give thought to! I'm only 16 and I've read books most people don't bother to read unless they have a deep interest in literature! And of all the things he wanted to make a blow to my ego, just because I wasn't Catholic.

It makes me so sick. It makes me hurt. But I should know better than to expect anything different. I'm used to people trying to make me feel bad, but last night was just uncalled for. I held my own for what it was worth. It makes me so mad!! I hate him! I hate him! I hate him!!

Things just sort of got worse from there. The play was fine, but things started to go particularly bad during the intermission. I won't go into detail, Squall-sama probably wouldn't want me to tell everything, despite what he might say. But it all escalated, everything was at the breaking point, and everything hurt so much, I thought I could feel my soul and heart shattering...but we fixed it.. Squall-sama and I..we fixed it and made everything all better..

Well, not all better. We still need to heal.

"My heart is broke, but I have so glue, help me inhale, maybe mend it with you. We'll float around, hang out on clouds, then we'll come down..I have a hang over.."
~ Nirvana

I miss him. I haven't seen him today, so I can't wait until tomorrow. But I think things are getting better now..I hope they are.

More than I relate to Xena, more than I relate to Rinoa, more than I relate to anyone, I relate to the Opera Ghost. It sounds so corny and so horrible, but I really am the Phantom of the Opera..It's hard to explain why I orginally loved the musical and now the book and everything that has to do with it, but...I understand the character truly and deeply. I'm sure that a lot of people have said that, and I'm sure I won't be the last. But, I know what's it like to have amazing talent, to be shunned by absolutely everyone for one reason or another, to love someone, but to have that someone love someone else...

Hounded out by everyone
Led with hatred everywhere
No kind words from anyone
No commpassion anywhere..
~The Phantom of the Opera

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Saturday, December 17, 2005

Balamb
There's nothing too major to discuss. So this is going to be a rather short entry.

Um..The issue concerning the rumour has been resolved to say the least! Go me! Without any violence, I might add!

I still don't like the people at Balamb...I don't have to like them, I just have to be civil, so they can't tell I don't like them...

Lol.

I'm going to go see a play, today, but I can't remember what it's called. Squall-sama, myself, an underclassman from Balamb, and some of the underclassman's friends are going. I think there is going to be twenty of us. wow..that's a lot of people, no?

I can't wait, I just need to find something to wear. It's not that I'm particulary nervous about my appearance, I just don't want to look over or underdressed. Going to a playhouse in jeans and a t-shirt is simply unacceptable, as would be a ball gown. I must go raid my closet...

Speaking of stuff to wear, I'm making a red duster and arm warmers for christmas. I've got the fabric and everything, I just need to find a pattern. That's going to take a while...Then I have to hand sew the entire thing..and I only have a week...great..just great...

And I have my finals to study for too...peachy..

Eh..I'll manage.
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Thursday, December 15, 2005

I'm scared
I'm scared and it's hard to explain why. Actually, it's quite easy, I'm just afraid to do it and I feel awful. Both physically and emotionally and mentally.

I stayed in bed on Wednesday, after feeling absolutely miserable on Tuesday. Why I couldn't spend Tuesday sleeping is beyond me. I'm still at home today, today being Thursday. I'm always sick because my immunce system is quite poor. IT doesn't help the fact that I'm anemic, either. The anemia comes from my vegetarianism. Seriously, I get a little cut on my finger, deep enough so it bleeds, then I bleed for about five minutes. It's not right and quite messy.

But being sick is not what I'm hurt about or scared about. I'm sick enough that it doesn't phase me enough to care. I'm hurt because of what Squall-sama told me people were asking him at Balamb.

Some people asked if I was still going out with Squall-sama.

Of all the absurdities!! And the person they suspect I'm going out with is nothing more than a good friend, a brother at most. It would be like going out with Zell. No!!!

I love Squall-sama!! Don't they get that!? Don't they understand?! It's not fair!! Since this friend is a boy, it can't be at all platonic, there has to be SOMETHING going on!!

I hope everyone caught the sarcasm in the last sentence.

Does this mean I can't have any male friends that I'm particularly close with? Less it is thought that I'm dating them?

*sarcastically* There's no such thing as a platonic relationship between a boy and a girl if they are very good friends. There always has to be "something beneath the surface."

It's ridiculous!! Now I remember why I thought people were such ignorant little thorns cutting into my side...

Oh how will the rue the day they crossed me like this!! I thought I could like the people at Balamb! I really thought I could get through the year without one homicidal thought towards them. I guess I was sorely mistaken.


This hour shall see
Your darkest fears
The angel knows
The angel hears
~ Madame Giry
The Phantom of the Opera
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Sunday, December 11, 2005

It hurts so much
I don't know whether the hell I'm angry or hurt. I don't know and that's just making me feel worse. It's like it's all going to explode and people are going to get hurt in the process.

I think it just all hurts. Squall-sama and I had some pretty disturbing conversations last night, just thinking about them makes me cry, or at the very least want to. He got irritated at something, at we both got cross with each other. Either way, when it was starting to calm down, I said I was going to hit him right in the kisser.

"Do it."

I don't want to hit him! I say I do, but I never really mean it. I don't ever want to hurt him.

"Then why do you say it?" He asked.

I don't know. It's just left over, remnants from when I said it and meant it, and delivered an mulitude of blows to any person that messed with me. I don't ever want to hurt him.

"I'm your rag doll."

You know what I said, instead of something comforting, instead of assuring him that I didn't want to hurt him an any way shape or form?

"I stopped playing with dolls a long time ago."

That's what I said. I feel horrible! Why do I say such mean things..?! I act cold and uncaring to him in instances like this and I don't even mean it. I don't want to do it, but I do anyways..!

It's like a pathological liar. Except instead of lying uncontrollably, I say things I don't mean. Bad things.

I think I do it because I don't want to lose face. I dont' want to be seen as weak, and unable to take care of myself. It's horribly violent, and I can't stop saying it.

"I won't do anything to stop you."

Doesn't he get I don't want to hurt him!? He's so willing to let me hurt him because he cares about me. he said he deserves everything i threaten him with. He's so selfless and I'm so selfish...He's told me straight out that he's mine: mind, body, and soul, and what do I do in return? I'm so cruel to him. I always give him a hard time about everything.

I hate myself. I'm sure he hates me too. I haven't changed at all. I'm just as bad as I was three years ago. I'm just as bad as I've always been.

But how bad am I, if I realise how bad I am? Or am I ever more horrible for noticing and not being able to do anything? Or am I less evil, for being evil, yet trying not to be evil...? Have I even attempted to not be evil..?

I've tried, I think. I hope. But they've only been attempts. And I don't think I've tried hard enough. Squall-sama tells me not to try it, just to do it. I don't think I've ever just done it. They've only been attempts.

But I feel so much like just quitting. It's so hard, and it hurts so much. It's like everything is weighing down on me and there's no escape. I just want to break down and give up. But i won't. I never get what I want, why should this be any different?

The only thing I can do is keep on fighting, only if it's to die another day. The only thing I can do is make feeble attempt after feeble attempt to become better. Why does no one help me?

Squall-sama says he's there when I need him. But it seems like I'm more angry at him, than not. But I know that's not true. It can't be true.

I know it sounds like I'm swimming around in my own little pool of self pity, but this is how I really feel. I'm not the only one in the world that feels like it, I know that. It just seems like it. "Nothing is as it seems." I just wish all the pain would go away though.

"So I'm breaking the habit tonight" ~ Linkin Park

My new reform begins tonight. Tomorrow will be the dawn of what I hope will be the better me. Better than Sakti. Better than the me now. I have to reform. Otherwise...I don't think I'm going to be able to last. Because I can't stand being this way. I can't stand always doing these bad things.

Mind, Body, and Soul. The way Squall-sama belongs to me, I will belong to him.

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Saturday, December 10, 2005

meh
I should be reading a freakishly large book at the moment, instead, I'm here...adding a freakishly long post...oh well.

Um...nothing really note worthy has happened, except for a bit of very long conversation with Squall-sama, in which we made very important break throughs! I won't go into any detail because it's very very personal and I don't know if he would want me talking about them. Though he would probably say he didn't care and I could post whatever I wanted to because it was my journal.

But out of respect, I will not say.

wow...this isn't really as long as I thought it was going to be. but now I must be off to go read books for my classes at Balamb! I really don't want to read them, I've better things to read.

Later:
Okay..um..how do I explain this without sounding like I'm absolutely crazy? Um..I think I'll sound crazy any way I say it, so I'm just going to say it and explain things to the best of my ability.

The Old Me was cynical (I'm still a bit cynical, though not as much), cruel, horrifically morbid, and all around, not a nice person. Squall-sama and I call this old me, Sakti, after a character I created, that was just like the old me. I'm much nicer now! Or rather, I hope I'm nicer! But, it's like she's another person all together.

Something of Sakti's finally got deleted, and I can't quite tell how I feel about this...I'm relieved, yet, it kind of hurts because I know part of me has died.

Sakti is me, but I talk about her as though she is someone else. All of this gives rise to many questions: Is she someone else? Will she be gone for good? Is she dead? What if I need her for something? Will I need her for something? Do I want her to be good and gone?

I don't think she can really die. I think she'll always be there, inside of me, fighting the good in me. It's a scary scary thought.

And what is evil anyways? Just another side to things? Good and evil can't really exist unless you base it off of your own standards and define them for yourself. Society can only get in the way.

This all greatly reminds me of a scene from a XENA episode form the first season. Xena has been sent through a dream passage, where she has had to confront all the people that she has killed from her days as a warlord, and now she's finally facing her old self.

X stands for Xena, by the way.

Doppel: “You can’t go through that door until you have the key.
And you can’t go through life trying to deny that I’m the real
you. We were so happy all those years. Don’t you remember?
Putting fear into all. Pushing aside those who stood in our way.
Taking what we wanted. Ah, those were the days.”

X: “That wasn’t me. That was never who I really was.”

Doppel: “Oh. Well, let me ask you this. Back then, didn’t it
feel right? Everything we did felt right. If felt-- good”

X: “But it wasn’t.”

Doppel: “Oh, how would you know? You think this goody-goody act
of yours is going to last? There’s no glory in being a hero--
ask around. You’re weak without me, Xena. But the fire is still
there. Join me.”

X: “All through this Dreamscape Passage, I’ve had to fight
people I’ve killed before. And I couldn’t bring myself to kill
‘em again. But as I face you-- I realize it can mean only one
thing.”

Doppel: “Yes-- it means what? Tell me.”

X: “It means I finally get to kill you.”

There is more to the scene, but I think that little dialogue sums it up quite well.

I, well..I guess I'm done for now..unless I decide to come back and add something else..

So much for a short post today, right?

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Wednesday, December 7, 2005

Content
Well, I think I'm content anyways..Maybe I'm happy...I dunno..!

Last night Squall-sama made me cry. But it wasn't the bad kind of crying! He didn't upset me, even though my heart hurt a lot. He said the most beautiful things to me..And I cried because of their beauty, because I couldn't be near him and touch him.

It sounds silly, I know, but it's true..

He is just like Cyrano De Bergerac to me, what with his eloquence of words! He should be the poet! Not I! For you see, I'm a writer outside of normal stuff. I'll post some of my poetry and maybe peices of my novels. I'll have to think about it.

And he's completely taken over me just like the Opera Ghost. Seduced me with his voice...He's my angel of music..The first two verses of THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA from the musical, i think kind of describes us...Kind of...

Then..then he goes and inspires me! He's my muse! My very own Dorian Grey. He's beautiful, intelligent..soft to the touch..I miss him...

But I know he is not any of those people. He is not Cyrano. He is not the Opera Ghost. He is not Dorian. He is Squall-sama.

"The words I speak come not from the bottom of a book, but from the bottom of my heart"

He said that. Or something similar to it. It's pretty...so delightfully pretty that I wish I could just reach out and touch them..At the same time, I couldn't believe how gloriously fake the words sounded. Not from his tone, just the words..

I love the words and him all the same.

Though today...we talked about how we would die...He said that he would want to die the way we were lying, because we were lying down together. We weren't do anything!! So don't get the wrong idea!! I said I would like to die with a kiss.

I told one of my friends, Will, and he said it was kind of morbid..yet romantic. Not his exact words, because I paraphrase.

"No artist is ever morbid. The artist can express everything."
~ Oscar Wilde

Wilde is one of my favourite playwrites. He may have been gay, but he sure knew how to weave a story together. He wrote THE PICTURE OF DORIAN GREY. I suggest you pick up a copy and read it. It's an absolutely fabulous story.

Anyways, I can't wonder if Will had a point. Was what we said horribly romantic, or romantically horrible?
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Sunday, December 4, 2005

Calming down
I feel better than I did last night...but I still feel horrible...I need to vent..I need to explain, at least to myself what happened. Not say why, but just say what happened.

It was last night at the movie theatre, that everything just sort of exploded and/or shattered. Squall-sama and I got out of Pride and Prejudice and he wanted me to pick another movie to see. I told him I didn't care which movie we saw next. This is where it all began.

He said he wanted me to have opinions. I do have an opinions, I just don't share them about food or going out and doing stuff, or movies, because I want Squall-sama to be happy. I know if I tell him, then he's going to do what I want to do. I dont' want him to do that, because he'd most likely to be bored and miserable. The way I see it, I should keep my mouth shut, it gets me into too much trouble.

It escalated into it being about more than the movies, as I've mentioned. It escalated into being about trust, into so much..into depths about who I am, into a lot of things...It hurt so badly..

I used to know exactly who I was. Now, I have no bloody idea. I've had to please so many people, live up to their expectations of what or who I should be, that I don't know or care any more. I can try all I want, but is it ever going to get better?

Anyways, I calmed down, both of us promising to try to open up to each other a little bit more, to answer each other's questions as honestly as possible, with no more "I don't cares".

Happy Ending, with everyone livign happily ever after? I don't think so. Not even remotely. I don't get Happy Endings. I would like one, but they just don't happen.

So I get home, and maybe five minutes later my uncle calls. It's hardly worth mentioning his name, so I won't. Anyways, he called and started yelling at me to call my mom, or to call eddie to relay a message to my mom. I was getting cross, he was getting cross, and long story short, he hung up on me. I burst into tears. Again, for what had to be the billionth time that night. And then my mother called and got on me about something and...ARGH!! Too much to talk about!! Just too much!!

Then sometime this morning, she lectures me about what happened last night, about not calling. She expects me to "be responsible", even when I feel like my soul is going to shatter into a million peices. Why? It's not fair!

I'm supposed to be considerate when I feel like my word is breaking into a million peices!! NO!! I won't take it!! It's not fair! I'm supposed to be considerate of other people...always..that's why I don't give my opinion. I dont' want to be rude and make them do something they dislike or plain out just don't want to do...
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