Monday, November 26, 2007

Ava Maria
My grandpa's memorial service was today. A lot of people showed up and I still find it hard to believe he's gone. Everytime I think about it I want to cry, but time to face the facts, right?

To make matters worse, i pratically flunked a test i took about two minutes ago. I'm distracted. but that's no excuse it was an easy test, too. All about economics. I feel like a moron.

I just want to sleep.
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Saturday, November 24, 2007

I think, that for whatever reason, I'm developing insomnia. I hardly sleep anymore. There's no sound sleeping. I wake up every hour on the hour starting from around 6 am. I heard warning sirens this morning at about then, then felt wide awake. i doubt going to bed earlier would help. I would just lie awake.

I think I have Acute or Transient insomnia(though the latter is mostly related to jet lag, so I doubt it). I really doubt it's chronic. it could be from so many sources contribuiting to everything. Stress from not being able to find a job, from knowing i need one and i want one so badly, from school (I had a dream I flunked one of my classes and couldn't take the continuation course, but i couldn't remember if i did everything for the class..). Then there's the depression that goes along with death no matter how well I've accepted it or not, and i'm worried about my grandmother. I forgot about the hormone fluxes that come with being a girl >_<

all of these are symptoms of Transient and Acute insomnia. And this lack of sleep thing has been going on for a long time. I mean, I just lie in bed for up to hours trying to fall asleep. And when I finally do get some sleep, i have to wake up at the crack of dawn to get to a class.

Maybe i've just been programming my body to run off of little sleep so it thinks that the little bit of sleep it gets is enough...why does my body have to be so stupid?
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Tuesday, November 20, 2007

On a totally unrelated note to anything that's been going on, I recently found out that a 4 day pass to San Diego ComicCon is now $75! This is not good, not good at all. As I don't have a job (I'll go into this later, it's mostly my fault, but didn't you know that some employers hire you based on the type of money you used to make at an old job? ..some of my old jobs paid really well...), getting the money for the tickets will be difficult indeed. Not to mention cosplays and stuff to take home.

SDCC isn't even the only con i'm going to this year! Nope, I've got AX in late June/early July, and a Star Trek Con (one of my friends is getting married at it, please don't ask me why...I didn't want to have trekkies for friends, it just sort of happened)in late August. I hope my new professors for that semester won't mind skivving off for a friend's wedding...

Luckily, I've only got 4 costumes planned for this year. Two for me and two for Squall. I'm so making him pay for all the stuff for his costumes though, as I'm hand sewing everything...I dont' mind, it's just my fingers suffer so much from poking myself with the needle.

So let's hope that my family finds it in the goodness of their heart to bestow upon me money and 4 day passes to AX and comiccon. I can deal with the Trekkie display on me own.
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Friday, November 16, 2007

Perhaps an elaboration is required for yesterday's post. while I liked how it was cryptic and mysterious to all but those who know the most intimate details of my life, I thought it was a bit unfair not to share. Especially since I havne't posted anything decent in a very long time.

My grandfather passed away on Tuesday night, about 10-15 minutes after Squall and I left, from visiting him. I skivved off class that evening because he was receiving Last Rites and a few hours later he was gone. I didn't find out until wednesday though. When I went to visit and his bed was gone from the small living room and he wasn't there. I thought, that at first, maybe they moved him to another room, but no. I didn't want to cry, I didn't feel like it. I had done so much crying while my grandfather was just lying helpless in bed, that now that he was free from all that pain and suffering, I didn't feel terribly upset. Of course, much later, thinking about how much I'd miss him and how much my grandmother would miss him, I started crying. I miss him, but I'm glad he died. He's not in pain any more. I've always said that Death is a release. He is released.

I wanted to whisper to him "..Let go, it's all right, 'cause there's beauty in the break down..." but I didn't. I'm not sure if I regret it though. The last thing I said to him was that I'd see him the next day, but I guess I sort of knew as Squall drove me away that I never was going to see him again. I narrated it to myself, then I remember thinking that I shouldn't think things like that.

It's hard to believe that I'm not going to talk to him any more, about harry potter or japan. Or that I can't ask him to make me hashbrowns. No body could make them taste as good as when he made them for me. I miss him. "And already the world seems a bit less bright."
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Thursday, November 15, 2007

See you later, Space Cowboy.
And Life goes on.


Sayonara, Dija.
13 Nov. 2007
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Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Boys and Ghouls of every age, wouldn't you like to see something strange..?
Halloween: the only time of year where it's socially acceptable for men to dress as women, and for women to dress as hookers. That being said, Halloween is for ameteurs.

http://forums.cosplay.com/member.php?u=38629
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Monday, August 27, 2007

Tiny Vessels
She was beautiful, but she didn't mean a thing to me.

Yeah, she was beautiful, but she didn't mean a thing to me.
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Wednesday, August 1, 2007

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=upB8gsIcnN0
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Wednesday, June 20, 2007

You know what...Fine.
i was gonna ask squall a question, but it wasn't a fair question, so i decided at the last minute not to ask him, he then was all "you always do this! you're never going to tell me! when i ask you later, you're going to say you forgot." but i didn't wanna ask him anymore, because i was trying to spare his feelings. is that so bad?

I didn't do anything wrong, Squall. Not a thing. You're always telling me to stick to what I say except when it comes to you. You want me to cave and tell you everything. "What else are you keeping from me?" Nothing. Not a thing.

I don't want to tell you to spare your feelings. To spare myself a fight and retaliation. Is that so bad? Squall, I love you. You know that. How can we be so sweet to each other one moment, then ready to kill each other the next?

You're hurt I didn't ask you. I didn't tell you, that I didn't open up. Love of mine, neither do you. I'm trying here, i'm trying so much.

so you know what, here. Here's the question, and I already now what you're going to say in response.

"Have you really let go of all of your ex-girlfriends?"

your reply: "have you really let go of tina?"

So now I have another for you: why do you always make me cry?
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Friday, June 15, 2007

Trees....
Remember that tree I got for my birthday? Way back in May? Well, I finally planted it in my backyard. haha finally, right? Finally. My arms are sore and my hands are cramped from digging the hole (which turned out to be too big in the end, but that was okay) and I'm dirty and sweaty and gross. But I loved it! It was so much fun!!! I can't wait until it gets bigger and prettier and starts blossoming. Just think, white cherry blossoms!! It'll be beautiful!! But for now..I need to go finish watching cut-throat island and take a shower.

Oh yuck, my hands are really dry.
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