Saturday, March 3, 2007

Yeah, so I figure I'm just going to put the titles of songs or whatever. It may have nothing to do with my mood, but I dunno. I might add the lyrics or a video. I dunno.

Yeah, so anyways, Garden released students from classes early yesterday so that was nice. Squall came and got me, but I had to stick around for some auditions...Is selphie doing something again...? She's cute, but...she makes me wonder, ya know?

We did our friday night ritual of Burger King and a Movie. I finally saw Fearless. It's such a great movie!! Just the over all message of it, the music (I need the soundtrack), the stunts, the composition of the shots, just everything about it was often. I love kung fu films. Jet Li is an amazing martial Artist. It's just a shame I probably will never be able to see how fast he really is because films suck...The martial artists have to slow down for people to be able to see their movements. It is a great shame that Jet Li won't be doing any more Kung Fu movies. I'm just starting to become a fan.

So Squall's been having trouble with sleeping. That stupid Insomnia of his. He won't sleep. So I wanted to tuck him in. There's a certain amount of comfort in being tucked in and having someone kiss you good night. It hurts though, when they leave, becuase you don't want them too. So i tried tucking him in, and I tried calling Caraway so Squall wouldn't have to drive me home. But the General was out galavanting so after lots of crying on my part becuase this...this thing (Squall and probably no one else will know what i'm talking about) is really getting to me. It had only been 10 days.

But I don't like small kisses. They feel real enough, but it's hard to feel anything with them. It sounds confusing, but it follows my current trend of thinking everything is fake. Everything feels fake. Like a bad dream. So I made him give me a real kiss. The kind where you feel everything. I missed it. It felt warm. Not that the small kisses he gives me aren't, but I always get mad when he gives me those. Like I'm being cheated out of something. I don't really have a right to feel that way, but I missed that kiss that he gave me last night. It just felt good. Not in a naughty way, but it just felt good. Like I could really tell he loved me.

This hurts. I'm crying.

He ended up taking me home. He got out of bed. I wanted him to sleep. He was sick. He was tired. I was able to check my cell messages finally. There was something Caraway said on the message that sent me into a rage, something that made everything I was feeling sort of erupt. I'm angry all the time and I take it out on Squall and I dont' mean to. I see what I'm doing. I hear the tone in my voice. But it's like it's someone else.

She's not dead. She never was. Is she waking up out of that coma? She didn't come up last night. I thought she was. I feel horrible.

I spent a good 10-15 minutes out in Caraway's car yelling and screaming and crying. I hit my knee with my fist really hard repeatedly. I dunno. Everything just hurt. And I was mad. aoidfja[p0 w49qhabjfdae'

So this morning, I get up and get dressed. Take a shower. I need to still trim my fringe. Squall calls up and we decide not to go to the Huntington Library. Money factors. No gil. We're broke. Where does the money from SeeD go? So afterwards I start crying.

Then he calls up and we decide to go again. he could tell I had been crying, or was about to cry.I wanted to cry.

asdlfja weha;lsbndfao;w94taoasho; fai8ow hha oiwhas;d

So now I still need to go trim my fringe.

I need to check on my chocobo in FFXI.

I'm making up my mind what I want to do this evening. I want to spend it with him. But I don't want to tell him that. There's a lunar eclipse. I might spend it at the beach with a friend. I owe her a walk on the beach with a full moon.



Edit:
So Squall actually picked me up on time. Then broke the news to me that he still had to go pick up a cable for his computer, which was on the fritz. So we go to a store and buy the cable, but by now I'm already in a bad mood, because Caraway decides to lecturee me about fighting with Squall and some other stupid stuff. And I start figuring that we'll get 5 minutes in the gardens becuase of how long it takes to get to the Library. In the store he starts telling me a story about what, I can't remember, but I'm listening, but I apparently don't seem like it. THen sort of out of no where, I comment that he gesticulates a lot. "Is that bad?" he asks.

"No. I was just saying."

"I'll stop if you want me to."

"I was just commenting."

"I'll stop."

So we get the stupid cable, then in the car I start crying really badly. I say how he dissapoints me a lot and how everything just hurts. And how i might like someone else, and how they like me too. It just got out of control.

We spent the afternoon with him trying to figure out what was wrong with his comp. We went for a walk in the park, which was nice, but I was still antsy (sp?), so after dinner I had him take us to Downtown Disney.

They actually let us park for free, which was pretty cool. I found out because the grips on my boots are shot that i can slide really well on some of the tile in the Disney parking garage. But it was really nice. We walked in and out of shops, listened to some performers that were out there, talked and get this...WE HELD HANDS!!!! It's something we don't do often, so i was excited.

I was happy when I went to bed, though slightly dissappointed that I didn't get to see the Lunar eclipse because it took place in mostly europe and stuff...)

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