Sunday, December 4, 2005

Calming down
I feel better than I did last night...but I still feel horrible...I need to vent..I need to explain, at least to myself what happened. Not say why, but just say what happened.

It was last night at the movie theatre, that everything just sort of exploded and/or shattered. Squall-sama and I got out of Pride and Prejudice and he wanted me to pick another movie to see. I told him I didn't care which movie we saw next. This is where it all began.

He said he wanted me to have opinions. I do have an opinions, I just don't share them about food or going out and doing stuff, or movies, because I want Squall-sama to be happy. I know if I tell him, then he's going to do what I want to do. I dont' want him to do that, because he'd most likely to be bored and miserable. The way I see it, I should keep my mouth shut, it gets me into too much trouble.

It escalated into it being about more than the movies, as I've mentioned. It escalated into being about trust, into so much..into depths about who I am, into a lot of things...It hurt so badly..

I used to know exactly who I was. Now, I have no bloody idea. I've had to please so many people, live up to their expectations of what or who I should be, that I don't know or care any more. I can try all I want, but is it ever going to get better?

Anyways, I calmed down, both of us promising to try to open up to each other a little bit more, to answer each other's questions as honestly as possible, with no more "I don't cares".

Happy Ending, with everyone livign happily ever after? I don't think so. Not even remotely. I don't get Happy Endings. I would like one, but they just don't happen.

So I get home, and maybe five minutes later my uncle calls. It's hardly worth mentioning his name, so I won't. Anyways, he called and started yelling at me to call my mom, or to call eddie to relay a message to my mom. I was getting cross, he was getting cross, and long story short, he hung up on me. I burst into tears. Again, for what had to be the billionth time that night. And then my mother called and got on me about something and...ARGH!! Too much to talk about!! Just too much!!

Then sometime this morning, she lectures me about what happened last night, about not calling. She expects me to "be responsible", even when I feel like my soul is going to shatter into a million peices. Why? It's not fair!

I'm supposed to be considerate when I feel like my word is breaking into a million peices!! NO!! I won't take it!! It's not fair! I'm supposed to be considerate of other people...always..that's why I don't give my opinion. I dont' want to be rude and make them do something they dislike or plain out just don't want to do...
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