Saturday, December 10, 2005

meh
I should be reading a freakishly large book at the moment, instead, I'm here...adding a freakishly long post...oh well.

Um...nothing really note worthy has happened, except for a bit of very long conversation with Squall-sama, in which we made very important break throughs! I won't go into any detail because it's very very personal and I don't know if he would want me talking about them. Though he would probably say he didn't care and I could post whatever I wanted to because it was my journal.

But out of respect, I will not say.

wow...this isn't really as long as I thought it was going to be. but now I must be off to go read books for my classes at Balamb! I really don't want to read them, I've better things to read.

Later:
Okay..um..how do I explain this without sounding like I'm absolutely crazy? Um..I think I'll sound crazy any way I say it, so I'm just going to say it and explain things to the best of my ability.

The Old Me was cynical (I'm still a bit cynical, though not as much), cruel, horrifically morbid, and all around, not a nice person. Squall-sama and I call this old me, Sakti, after a character I created, that was just like the old me. I'm much nicer now! Or rather, I hope I'm nicer! But, it's like she's another person all together.

Something of Sakti's finally got deleted, and I can't quite tell how I feel about this...I'm relieved, yet, it kind of hurts because I know part of me has died.

Sakti is me, but I talk about her as though she is someone else. All of this gives rise to many questions: Is she someone else? Will she be gone for good? Is she dead? What if I need her for something? Will I need her for something? Do I want her to be good and gone?

I don't think she can really die. I think she'll always be there, inside of me, fighting the good in me. It's a scary scary thought.

And what is evil anyways? Just another side to things? Good and evil can't really exist unless you base it off of your own standards and define them for yourself. Society can only get in the way.

This all greatly reminds me of a scene from a XENA episode form the first season. Xena has been sent through a dream passage, where she has had to confront all the people that she has killed from her days as a warlord, and now she's finally facing her old self.

X stands for Xena, by the way.

Doppel: “You can’t go through that door until you have the key.
And you can’t go through life trying to deny that I’m the real
you. We were so happy all those years. Don’t you remember?
Putting fear into all. Pushing aside those who stood in our way.
Taking what we wanted. Ah, those were the days.”

X: “That wasn’t me. That was never who I really was.”

Doppel: “Oh. Well, let me ask you this. Back then, didn’t it
feel right? Everything we did felt right. If felt-- good”

X: “But it wasn’t.”

Doppel: “Oh, how would you know? You think this goody-goody act
of yours is going to last? There’s no glory in being a hero--
ask around. You’re weak without me, Xena. But the fire is still
there. Join me.”

X: “All through this Dreamscape Passage, I’ve had to fight
people I’ve killed before. And I couldn’t bring myself to kill
‘em again. But as I face you-- I realize it can mean only one
thing.”

Doppel: “Yes-- it means what? Tell me.”

X: “It means I finally get to kill you.”

There is more to the scene, but I think that little dialogue sums it up quite well.

I, well..I guess I'm done for now..unless I decide to come back and add something else..

So much for a short post today, right?

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