Sunday, December 11, 2005

It hurts so much
I don't know whether the hell I'm angry or hurt. I don't know and that's just making me feel worse. It's like it's all going to explode and people are going to get hurt in the process.

I think it just all hurts. Squall-sama and I had some pretty disturbing conversations last night, just thinking about them makes me cry, or at the very least want to. He got irritated at something, at we both got cross with each other. Either way, when it was starting to calm down, I said I was going to hit him right in the kisser.

"Do it."

I don't want to hit him! I say I do, but I never really mean it. I don't ever want to hurt him.

"Then why do you say it?" He asked.

I don't know. It's just left over, remnants from when I said it and meant it, and delivered an mulitude of blows to any person that messed with me. I don't ever want to hurt him.

"I'm your rag doll."

You know what I said, instead of something comforting, instead of assuring him that I didn't want to hurt him an any way shape or form?

"I stopped playing with dolls a long time ago."

That's what I said. I feel horrible! Why do I say such mean things..?! I act cold and uncaring to him in instances like this and I don't even mean it. I don't want to do it, but I do anyways..!

It's like a pathological liar. Except instead of lying uncontrollably, I say things I don't mean. Bad things.

I think I do it because I don't want to lose face. I dont' want to be seen as weak, and unable to take care of myself. It's horribly violent, and I can't stop saying it.

"I won't do anything to stop you."

Doesn't he get I don't want to hurt him!? He's so willing to let me hurt him because he cares about me. he said he deserves everything i threaten him with. He's so selfless and I'm so selfish...He's told me straight out that he's mine: mind, body, and soul, and what do I do in return? I'm so cruel to him. I always give him a hard time about everything.

I hate myself. I'm sure he hates me too. I haven't changed at all. I'm just as bad as I was three years ago. I'm just as bad as I've always been.

But how bad am I, if I realise how bad I am? Or am I ever more horrible for noticing and not being able to do anything? Or am I less evil, for being evil, yet trying not to be evil...? Have I even attempted to not be evil..?

I've tried, I think. I hope. But they've only been attempts. And I don't think I've tried hard enough. Squall-sama tells me not to try it, just to do it. I don't think I've ever just done it. They've only been attempts.

But I feel so much like just quitting. It's so hard, and it hurts so much. It's like everything is weighing down on me and there's no escape. I just want to break down and give up. But i won't. I never get what I want, why should this be any different?

The only thing I can do is keep on fighting, only if it's to die another day. The only thing I can do is make feeble attempt after feeble attempt to become better. Why does no one help me?

Squall-sama says he's there when I need him. But it seems like I'm more angry at him, than not. But I know that's not true. It can't be true.

I know it sounds like I'm swimming around in my own little pool of self pity, but this is how I really feel. I'm not the only one in the world that feels like it, I know that. It just seems like it. "Nothing is as it seems." I just wish all the pain would go away though.

"So I'm breaking the habit tonight" ~ Linkin Park

My new reform begins tonight. Tomorrow will be the dawn of what I hope will be the better me. Better than Sakti. Better than the me now. I have to reform. Otherwise...I don't think I'm going to be able to last. Because I can't stand being this way. I can't stand always doing these bad things.

Mind, Body, and Soul. The way Squall-sama belongs to me, I will belong to him.

Comments (1)